EVERYONE: Karaoke date (ish) night I a Kalos boutiqueshipping oneshot

[mastermind lissi]

Hi! I decided to get this scene in my head out into a cozy oneshot! Enjoy some boutiqueshipping!

warning: these are my pokeverse versions of these characters, so they’re probably gonna be really far from canon.

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“Who’s up for some karaoke?” Shauna asked, digging up a mic and some cords. The group was having a sleepover at Shaunas house, and she was trying to keep everyone entertained. Calem smiled.
“I’d love to go a song, but I think you and Serena should do something together.” Serena looked up, blushing heavily. Shauna blinked, and blushed too.
“Um. Well, I guess that would be nice.” Shauna said, glancing over at Serena, who was trying to disappear into a pillow. Calem walked over to the laptop plugged into the mic set.

“Can I choose a song?“ he asked, opening a YouTube tab. Shauna grabbed the laptop.

“Yea, it’s my sisters though, so you’ve gotta sign into my account. There. Here. Take it. Choose a song.” Shauna handed it back blushing and looking over at Serena again, who had now grabbed her phone and was typing something.

Calem finally clicked play. Shauna dragged Serena off the couch and handed her a mic. “Roll with it.” Shauna told a blushing Serena. It was one of those songs that you know the lyrics to, but you’re not sure from where. As they sang, Trevor looked up from his holo caster and looked at them judgmentally, as they were singing off key and out of pitch. But, he can’t judge, cause they’re his friends.

As the song ended, another one started, and it was another, newer song, that thankfully they both knew. Calem was clicking around on the laptop looking accomplished. Serena and Shauna were getting into it now, looking a lot less uncomfortable. Tierno started doing some weird dance in the small space that is Shaunas living room. Serena started getting suspicious after the third song. She grabbed Calem aside into Shaunas kitchen.

“What are these songs and why are they all so… romancey.” Serena asked him. Calem shook his head.

“That’s the point, serenie. I know you would never be able to make a move with Shauna, so I’m doing it for you.” He said, matter-of-factly. “It’s my Serena and Shauna romance playlist! The three of us put it together. Trevor somehow managed to scientifically calculate the date vibe percentage of each song, Tierno tested danceablity, and I put it together. You’re supposed to enjoy it, serenie.” She blinked.

“Ok. So. One. When did this happen. Two. Serena and Shauna romance playlist? What. The. Heck. Three. Why.” Serena asked, slightly annoyed but also blushing a lot.

“I just explained it all. Now go back out there and have fun cause shaunas probably getting bored.” Serena sighed. She walked back to the living room with Calem to find Shauna singing some pop song you’d hear on the radio in a supermarket.

“Oh, hey Serena…” Shauna said when she realized she was back. “Wanna go back to Calems songs?” Serena smiled and looked at Calem.

“Nah, let’s keep singing these songs, it seems fun.” Shauna smiled, happy to see Serena actually having some sort of fun. They were getting into it and having fun, and Calem joined in with a third mic they found. Tierno was dancing, and Trevor took this opportunity to lie on the whole couch and analyze his Pokédex data. It might seem a bit weird, but this is all you need for a good night with these kids.

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that ended up being a lot longer than intended, but i like how it came out.

 

[xXGhostbooXx]

I LOVE THIS!!!

 

[mastermind lissi]

Thanks so much!!

 

[lisianthus]

Making my way over here after you requested me to review this! Hiyaaaa o/

I guess I'll preface this by saying that your youth is at times evident in your prose, but honestly, I think that can be utilized to its advantage in some ways, you know? It helps in writing dynamic characters and action-based stories -- this fic, while short, does pack in a nice cute plot to it, and I think that your writing not being dry is a good help in that regard.

As for criticism: I'm noticing some grammar and formatting errors here and there, particularly with possessive nouns and punctuation usage. I do think that it'd help make your fic / future works a bit easier to read if you were to smooth those out -- so I've spoilered my edits, as well as some other thoughts, there for you right here. I hope I haven't gone too hard on you, apologies if I have!

Spoiler

The group was having a sleepover at Shauna's

Names always have apostrophe + s at the end if they're a possessive noun! (Shauna's house, Lisia's plant, etc.)

“I’d love to go do? a song, but I think you and Serena should do something together.”

Serena looked up, blushing heavily. Shauna blinked, and blushed too.
“Um. Well, I guess that would be nice.” Shauna said, glancing over at Serena, who was trying to disappear into a pillow.

This is good! Even without actually pointing it out by outright saying it, you're hinting that they prooooobably both 'like like' each other... also I think the visual of Serena hiding behind a pillow is silly, too, ehehe.

“Yea, it’s my sister's, though, so you’ve gotta sign into my account. There. Here. Take it. Choose a song.” Shauna handed it back blushing and

looking over at Serena again, who had now grabbed her phone and was typing something.

I know this was a smaller fic in terms of length, but I kind of thought you were like, foreshadowing something there ahaha! You don't always need to do that, of course, but something to maybe think about for the future?

Calem finally clicked play.

Just a personal thing, but I kind of feel like that feels like too concise of a sentence for my liking? Hard to put into words, but something like 'Calem finally started the music' feels a bit more complete for me. I do like the addition of 'finally' here, though, as it kind of clues the reader in to the fact that the present moment feels like it's dragging on very, very much because Serena and Shauna are quite embarrased.

It was one of those songs that you know the lyrics to, but you’re not sure from where.

So you're writing in third person here, which means that using 'you' wouldn't really fit, as third person narration doesn't usually have much of a 'voice' exactly? In times like these, I like to use 'one' personally, which is less direct -- 'It was one of those songs that one knows the lyrics to, but they're not sure from where,' is how I'd change this up.

As they sang, Trevor looked up from his Holo Caster and looked at them judgmentally, as they were singing off key and out of pitch.

Every time I've done karaoke, I've found this to be the case too LOL... but it's fun because it's with friends! Fun little detail there.

As the song ended, another one started, and it was a nother, newer song, that thankfully they both knew.

Calem was clicking around on the laptop looking accomplished. Serena and Shauna were getting into it now, looking a lot less uncomfortable.

Good usage of what I explained below!

Tierno started doing a weird-seeming/looking/etc dance in the small space that is Shauna's living room.

In third-person perspective, you generally can't have the narrator have opinions (for example, outright saying 'weird dance')... but using a modifier that suggests personal detachment (like 'seeming') makes it okay! I also wanted to point this out because he would absolutely do this, LOL.

“That’s the point, Serenie. I know you would never be able to make a move with Shauna, so I’m doing it for you,” he said, matter-of-factly.

Awwwww, what a supportive friend LOL!

Trevor somehow managed to scientifically calculate the date vibe percentage of each song

He would do this, I know it. Really enjoying the silliness of this small tidbit.

You’re supposed to enjoy it, serenie.” She Serena blinked.

After someone speaks, and you're describing an action someone else is doing, it's good practice to say that character's name so as to prevent confusion!

“Ok. So. One. When did this happen. Two. Serena and Shauna romance playlist? What. The. Heck. Three. Why.” Serena asked, looking slightly annoyed but also blushing a lot.

“I just explained it all. Now go back out there and have fun cause Shauna's probably getting bored.” Serena sighed. She walked back to the living room with Calem to find Shauna singing some pop song you’d one would hear on the radio in a supermarket.

“Oh, hey Serena…” Shauna said when she realized she Serena was back. “Wanna go back to Calem's songs?” Serena smiled and looked at Calem.

“Nah, let’s keep singing these songs, it seems fun.” Shauna smiled, happy to see Serena actually having some sort of fun. They were getting into it and having fun, and Calem joined in with a third mic they found. Tierno was dancing, and Trevor took this opportunity to lie on the whole couch and analyze his Pokédex data. It might seem a bit weird, but this is all you need for a good night with these kids.

Is this slightly from Trevor's point of view...? In third person narration, you usually have omnescient-style, which is where everyone's thoughts and such are known, or limited-style, which usually focuses on describing a singular character's thoughts and emotions -- and some of what's been described (like Trevor's 'weird dance' or this 'all you need for a good night with these kids') sort of makes me wonder if Trevor's feelings are making their way through, ever so slightly. Just a hunch.

You described this as a 'cozy' fic a bit above, and I think that's a pretty fitting description myself! Writing from simply one single scene is a fun excercise, in my opinion, and it's led to some fics I've been proud of myself. You might want to consider extrapolating from a singular scene as well, too, though it's never required? Thanks for being willing to share it with me, Lissi -- keep on writing, it's good that you enjoyed writing it.