MATURE: Multiple Dimensionality

[Ghostsoul]

Special:

He was not surprised to see a green metal incense holder on the table, green-painted metal in the shape of a bowl with a lily in the middle that had the stick of incense rising above it. A soft, almost invisible line of smoke rose from it as the scented stick slowly burned.

This is some detailed description, it's good, but perhaps a little excessive.

“Officials in Hanada are unveiling the Mewtwo Memorial, dedicated to listing the various trainers who have died fighting the Pokemon. The statue is to be unveiled on December 17th, the 16th anniversary of the deaths of Hibiki and Kotone Murai. Satoshi Takeuchi, more commonly known by his trainer codename of Red, has declined to attend, citing memories of Green’s demise.

I think this provided some good world-building/foreshadowing but then again, I'm not sure it fits the overall tone of the scene.

“She could be a research specimen that escaped,” Kotone suggested, even as her fingers switched from tickling to rubbing-

Again, the 'Let's discuss possibly serious plot matters' along side 'flirtatious and kinky discussion'. Not a 'bad' thing, but something which needs talent to pull of well, and make it work.

Not much to say about this one, I think it could have just been a short chapter 3, I'm not too sure why it's considered a 'special'. It feels mostly like more scene and plot setting, which is fine. There is some characterization sprinkled here and there through the chapter, I think what's most strange is the juxtaposition between the two 'plots'. One with the Raltz and Mewtwo and the other being a character driven, rather sexual one, not to say it's bad, but odd seeing those two plots so close together.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Chapter 3C​

Chris sighed as he stepped back into the building, rubbing his head. That had been awkward, and he was doing his best to forget it. He had to promise to keep his C-Gear on and call the moment anything happened to end that conversation. At the very least, he was now wearing black jeans and a blue sweatshirt, so it hadn’t been totally awkward.

He stepped into the main club room, looking for the guards; he’d need one of them to get back into the suite. He blinked in surprise at what he saw; the carpet was fading from purple to orange, while thin diving walls and several tables were sliding into the floor, with the carpeted slots sliding closed after. A circular area in the center of the room sunk into the floor, with steps leading down into it, while half-moon rails rose to provide some fall protection. Several women dressed as French maids then emerged into the room from side doors, most of them wearing collars of varying styles, while the guards came from the two doors on either side of the bar to stand around it and talk. At the very least, the bar hadn’t moved, staying opposite the entrance.

He started to walk forward, only to be distracted by a clacking. As his eyes looked around, he could see panels in the wall flipping, the starry-night pattern flipping with wood paneling. He finally had to just stop and stare when he saw some of the doors slide into the floor, replaced by doors apparently hidden in the wall above.

“You must be new,” one of the maids said with a snicker. “You need to report to…” And then came a click from above. “Ooo! You get a show!”

Chris looked up and, for a moment, it felt like his heart had stopped. It was Shirona, in her current battle outfit, standing on what was obviously one of the windows from the suite’s living room that had apparently tilted open. She stood a moment, with her V-neck black coat rustling behind her like a cape, fully exposing the V-necked black shirt she wore beneath and the black trousers. Then she stepped off the window, falling the one story to land with a soft grace, her body barely bending from the impact. Her black kitten heels even seemed unharmed by the fall. Her hair, the portion close to her head held in place by two teardrop-shaped black hairclips with a yellow stripe each on each side, blew upward like a cape as she fell and draped down her back when she landed. Then she turned, spotted Chris, and smiled.

“I was hoping you were still here,” Shirona said, while the maid wandered off to clean elsewhere. “Kotone has notified your school you both will be absent today. I hope you don’t mind.”

Chris nodded; he had expected such after last night. “What’s the plan for now?”

“I usually spar Lena or one of the guards right now.”

“We could spar.”

A look of pure surprise danced upon Shirona’s face. “You don’t find me too scary to spar?”

“I find you terrifying,” Chris admitted. “But if I shy away from you, what happens when a real danger comes along?”

The woman tilted her head, giving him a speculative look. “Am I not human to you?”

Chris shook his head. “You’re a normal person. And that’s what makes you terrifying.” He rubbed the back of his head as he thought of how to word it. “A tornado is terrifying because of the destruction it can cause. Pokemon can be terrifying because of what they can do. But they’re not human, and they don’t have human motives.” He looked her right in the eyes. “You have motives I can understand, and possibly agree with. So what happens if you decide to kill a people and I agree with why you do it?”

“Do you think I would commit genocide?” she quietly asked.

“To protect someone you love? Yes.” Chris turned away from her, trying to ignore the startled look on her face. “So would Lena. And so would I.”

“That’s why you’re a Trainer? To prevent someone else from having to live with that decision?”

Chris nodded.

To his surprise, Shirona hugged him, the fur lining on her coat’s cuffs and coif almost tickling where it touched his skin. “What we are means we have to face humanity’s darkness. But we don’t have to be it.” She then kissed the top of his head. “Now, cheer up. I have one person with depression in my life. I won’t accept someone so young being another.”

“I’m not that young,” Chris muttered.

She snickered. “You’re twenty years younger than me.”

“Cradle robber,” he teased.

“Better than ‘Walking Apocalypse,’” she muttered darkly before letting go of him. “Let’s spar. We can talk over ice cream after.”

Shirona walked past him to a clear section of floor, before stopping to slip her feet out of her heels and slightly scoot them aside with her foot. Then she turned to face him, her hands clasped behind her back and eyes closed with a smile on her face. Chris narrowed his eyes as he stood in front of her, one leg back in a standard front stance and his hands raised in loose fists. He could not help but feel there was something familiar about the way she chose to start.

Then he realized she was using Lena’s favorite opening stance.

His hand came up beside his head, just barely catching the kick that came so fast he almost didn’t see it. He winced as he felt his wrist ache after the blow; it was the same exact opening attack Lena always used, but Shirona was much faster. He shook his hand as she lowered her leg, shifting back into a stand.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Just stings a bit,” he said.

She nodded, even as she started to circle him, seemingly just walking. “If it starts to hurt worse, we’ll stop.”

As she spoke, he slowly turned, watching her carefully. He almost smiled as he noticed she was lightly limping as she moved. There was something off about how she limped, but he suspected that was just an attempt to hide it. He quickly decided to take a risk and lunged forward, hoping to catch her off-guard.

When Shirona nimbly sidestepped his lunge, Chris knew he made a mistake. He had no time to react before her leg impacted with his chest, forcing the air out of his lungs and leaving much of his chest in pain. His vision swam black as he collapsed to the ground, wheezing from the blow.

“That was an obvious fake,” Shirona said, kneeling beside him and softly laying her hand on his shoulder. “You should have studied my walk longer.” A tingle spread throughout his body while she began to glow a moment, followed by the pain in his chest and wrist fading with her glow. “Take a couple moments to breathe.”

“How is he doing?” came Kotone’s voice.

“He needs more training than I thought, but will easily…” Shirona’s voice trailed off as she stood and turned. “I don’t think she should be down here.”

Chris rolled onto his back to look, his breathing still heavier than normal as his body recovered. Kotone was wearing an Alolan Nurse Joy outfit, save the pink had been changed to black, and a black mask with a red cross on the burned side of her face. Lena was following behind and to Kotone’s left, wearing a T-shirt and jeans and carrying the Ralts from the night before. The Ralts, for her part, was sleepily looking around, more curious than anything else.

“She wanted to see,” Lena answered.

“Keep an eye on her,” Shirona ordered, before looking back to Chris. “Are you just going to lay there all day?”

“If it keeps me from getting kicked in the chest again,” Chris deadpanned.

“She kicked me in the nipples my first time,” Lena said as Shirona opened her mouth to speak.

“Do not make me spank you in front of the Pokemon,” Shirona warned.

“So you’re nippling that in the bud before I get a titty-bit started? Not a fan of piercing questions?” the redheaded girl asked with a mischievous grin. “I-”

“If you make one more pun, you won’t want to sit today,” the blonde darkly threatened.

Lena quickly closed her mouth and shuffled off.

“I thought puns were an art form in Japan,” Chris commented as he rose to his feet.

“Now isn’t the time for them,” Shirona replied, beginning to circle him again. “Don’t get distracted.”

Chris frowned as he watched her, turning to keep her in front of him. He had thought the outfit ridiculous and way too stylish for someone who fought hand to hand, but having her in front of him changed his mind. The looseness and length of her pant legs, way the sleeves hung on her arms, and even the over-the-top coif all served to completely shield her muscles from sight. Combined with her unusual style, the outfit made it effectively impossible to read her muscles and know from how she tenses when she is about to strike. Top it all off, the cut of her jacket and shirt beneath it both served to draw the eyes to her cleavage, making that-

The blur of her body moving and whiff beside his ear came far too quickly for Chris to react to. His eyes glances to the side, seeing her leg was close enough to his head to almost touch it. He was silently glad she had taken her shoes off, as he was certain he would have the toe of a kitten heel lodged in his head right now.

“Don’t get distracted,” Shirona reminded him in a soft sing-song voice before she touched his ear with a toe and lowered her leg.

Chris nodded, even as he pushed his mind outward to try to find her’s. Naturally, he couldn’t sense her with his psychic abilities; as far as his telepathy could tell, she wasn’t anywhere around. Her complete lack of combat stance was from no martial arts he was familiar with, and her attacks were far too fast for him to get any sense of style from them. He mentally compared her to what he knew of Lena’s style, mentally guessing that the two shared some weaknesses, though he could rely on muscle tensing with Lena’s style and…

Then he noticed Shirona’s foot twist to the side.

It was pure gut feeling that had him ducking, just in time for that foot to whiff over him, missing his head by mere fractions of a centimeter. But before he could congratulate himself, her heel slammed down into his shoulder, the woman having effortlessly transitioned into an axe kick. He winced as he stood straight, rubbing where she had hit and watching how she looked at him with a strange, soft smile upon her lips.

“There is no way I can even hit you in a fair fight,” he concluded.

“Then don’t,” she interrupted before he could continue. “Before I can train you, I need to see what you can do. That includes your trainer abilities. And no fight you face that will matter will ever be fair.”

“Is your skill how you beat Akagi?” he asked, even as he continued to rub his shoulder; from the pain, that was definitely a bruise.

“I shot him and had my Garchomp kill his Crobat while it was distracted,” she answered. “He was trying to end the world. Unfortunate that he survived.”

“When I read about that in history class, I never understood why.”

“He had good intentions and a good reason why,” she said, looking toward the bar, where Lena and Kotone were sitting. “But I like this world. There are people in it I care about.”

Chris lowered his arms at her apparent distraction, thinking for a moment the spar was over. At that moment, she suddenly lunged toward him, stopping in front of him with the tips of two fingers pressed against his throat, right above the Adam’s apple. She held up her other hand and wagged a finger at him.

“I told you not to get distracted,” she said amusedly. “The spar isn’t over yet.” She lightly dragged the fingers along the underside of his jaw, pulling them away once she reached his chin to lightly tap his nose. “I am glad you’re sympathetic. But don’t let your guard down.”

As she backed away, he made a quick decision on how to counter her. It was a strategy he had used on Lena before, and he hoped the woman had not told her Mistress about it. As he focused his energy, he watched her carefully. He just needed to wait for the right moment…

As soon as Shirona twisted her foot again, Chris unleashed his attack. An illusory copy of himself flew towards her, while a shield of psychic energy formed in front of him. Shirona easily sidestepped the fake and lunged forward with a punch, aimed straight for the real version. He leapt to the side as quickly as he could, closing his eyes as her fist shattered the shield to protect them from the bright flash as the psychic shards detonated. At the same time, his hand rose to guide the rapidly-forming Psymissile in its flight towards the former Sinnoh Champion.

As he opened his eyes, he saw the energy projectile barely fly over her back as she dropped to the ground. He immediately started to back up, guessing she would sweep toward him, only to find the pit’s rail right behind him. He placed his hands on it and pushed himself off the ground as her leg closest toward the floor swept towards him; knowing Lena’s tactics, he followed with a telekinetic burst, to push her down so she couldn’t grab him with those legs.

A soft curse escaped his lips when it didn’t even affect Shirona. The blonde woman rapidly rolled onto her back and thrust her legs toward him, hooking them around his waist before he even managed to fully pull himself onto the rail, supporting herself with her lower arms and elbows. He began to pull upward, trying to free himself before she could start squeezing.

“Stop,” Shirona ordered.

Chris relaxed at the order. The Japanese woman looked at him a moment with her head tilted, then gave him an odd smile and let go of him with her legs. He watched as she gracefully rose to her feet and stopped to brush herself off. He then glanced at the guards and noticed one of them was handing out what looked suspiciously like small wads of cash.

“Brasenie, would you get us ice cream?” Shirona asked one of the maids. “What flavors do we have?”

Chris turned to look to the green-haired maid, who had an undisguised look of absolute panic on her face.

“She’ll have strawberry twist,” Kotone said from the bar.

“Oui, Madame,” the maid said with an obvious look of relief. “And for you, monsieur?”

“I can order my own ice cream,” the blonde woman said.

“You take hours to decide on a flavor.”

“That’s an exaggeration.” Shirona looked to Lena. “Kitten, you agree with me?”

Lena looked between Kotone and Shirona uncertainly for a few moments, even as she adjusted the napping Ralts on her lap. “Sorry, Mistress. Madame is right. Remember that ice cream vendor in Kaina you reduced to tears?”

“Traitor!” Shirona said in mock anger, before turning to Chris and leaning forward, her hands clasping behind her back. “You agree with me, right?”

Between the almost-flirtatious girlish stance straight out of an anime, the puppy dog eyes, being able to see down her top, and the fact she just got done soundly beating him in a spar… Chris wasn’t certain what he was supposed to be feeling at the moment or which appeal she wanted him to fall for. He glanced to the bar, only to see the guards nodding to him and Kotone and Lena shaking their heads.

“I’m going to stay out of this one,” Chris said after a couple seconds. “I’ll take chocolate.”

“Wimp,” Shirona teased, before straightening and nodding to the maid. “Don’t forget to tell Cyane she’s needed in inventory tonight.”

The maid nodded and turned to leave. Shirona motioned for Chris to follow her as she turned to walk toward the bar, even as the woman said something in what he assumed was Japanese. Lena immediately blushed and Kotone lowered her head a moment as she snickered. Then Lena replied in the same language and Shirona nodded before turning to Chris, who at this point was slightly confused on if he should know what they were saying.

“You will have to learn Japanese,” Shirona said, holding up her hand as the maid returned with a tray that held four bowls of ice cream. “We visit my family in Japan yearly. Last year was in Kaina and…” She paused a moment while he accepted his bowl, then sighed. “Will you understand if I ask you not to visit the Peace Park?”

“Is that the memorial for the-” Chris began.

“Yes,” Shirona interrupted.

“I understand. I know about the psychic imprint,” Chris answered, carefully gathering a small amount of ice cream on his spoon to distract himself from thoughts about that subject.

Shirona took a bite of her ice cream and carefully swallowed before she continued, her face and tone suddenly fully serious. “There’s also more to it than that. Do you know my position in the League?”

“You’re the unbeaten World Champion,” he answered without a thought.

“Mistress, may I handle this?” Lena asked suddenly, a slightly worried look on her face. She held her own ice cream down as she asked, causing the Ralts to awaken at the smell, lean in, and then grab the spoon. “You tend to be rather scary on this topic.”

Shirona nodded, then smiled slightly at the psychic Pokemon stealing Lena’s dessert one spoonful at a time.

“Mistress isn’t just the Champion,” Lena began. “Remember what we read about Team Galactic in history and the Homeworld Defense Treaty?” She gave him a moment to nod before continuing, even as he tried not to smile at her quickly-vanishing ice cream. “She’s one of the Trainers given special clearance under that treaty. If an invasion from Distortion World or some other alien place happens, she’s deployed to stop it. Because I’m her protégé, I go with her.”

Lena paused a moment to take a bite of ice cream, only to give the Ralts a dirty look at seeing the bowl now empty. Then she sighed and looked back to Chris, who at this point was covering his mouth to hide the smile.

“Anyway… If you’re still my partner, you go too.” She sat her bowl in the table and adjusted the position of the snuggly Ralts. “You might end up seeing some very secret things, but we have to keep quiet about it. She won’t expose us to things we can’t know without proper clearance if she can help it, but if an emergency happens you need to be trustworthy.”

“The treaty is pure panic,” Kotone broke in. “Governments of the world learned crossing dimensions is possible and overreacted. They think there’s an arms race with Giratina. It means the Defense Department pays our airfare and Shiro knows how many nukes America has.”

“But that is why I will train you,” Shirona finished. “So that, at the very least, the people can look at their designated heroes and feel safe in seeing they can do the job. Because giving hope to people, even against a false threat, is our job.”

“Is this a test?” he asked, holding up his ice cream for Lena, who took it with a small sound of glee.

“This has been a test since you walked in the door,” Shirona answered. “Every action, every decision, every response has been watched and judged.”

Except for me, the Ralts projected, causing Chris to give her a look of surprise.

Shirona smiled softly. “You got the same responses, little one. And a far better outcome than the exploding Pokedex.”

“What’s the next test?” he asked.

Lena grinned wide while Kotone giggled. Shirona gave Lena a brief dirty look and then looked back to Chris.

“Not even going to think about it?” Shirona asked.

“I promised Lena I would stay. Besides…” Chris looked to the Ralts, then back to Shirona. “It’s a little late for that.”

The strange smile from earlier crossed Shirona’s lips. Then she softly said, “I don’t think we need to do any more tests.”

Lena grinned and relaxed, looking relieved. Chris relaxed as well, even as he saw Shirona gives a resigned look to the redhead.

“Is there anything I need to know immediately?” Chris asked.

“Lena has a set of safe words,” Kotone said, setting her bowl on the bar for a maid to grab as well. “’Crustacean Drive’ means she needs to speak outside her submissive role. That is the one you will hear her use most often.

“‘Chronos’ is a panic word. It means she is ill or in distress. If you hear this, free her immediately. If you must destroy equipment or furniture, do so. If you must harm someone, do so.

“The rest you will learn in time. Those are the most important two.”

Lena poked Shirona, who looked to her, then sighed and nodded before looking back to Chris.

“Are you familiar with the works of Orwell?” Shirona asked. “I base my opposition to profanity on Nineteen Eighty-Four. He was right that controlling language can control how you think and act. But my stance is about self-control.

“By avoiding profanity and a lot of foul language, you control how you communicate. If you can’t threaten with words, you learn how to do so with gestures, smiles, looks, and other methods. If you speak politely most of the time, you find you become polite and people respect you for your politeness.

“And when training Pokemon, you find they respond to this. If you are nice and use kind language, they become kind-hearted and nice. If you avoid foul language, you avoid speaking to them in ways that hurt them deeply, causing them to trust you much faster and form a stronger bond. And just as you threaten with looks and gestures, so too do you learn how to command with the same. Even, if you control yourself enough, giving commands with just how you stand. And no other trainer can read your commands, giving them a complete misunderstanding of your tactics.

“That is how Red and I both command. That is why we are the top two ranks of the World Tournament.”

Chris nodded, understanding now why he had such of a hard time reading her during the spar. “That is how you fight.”

Shirona gave him a wide grin, then stood and looked to Lena. “Come, let’s spar and give them time to bond."

Spoiler: About Kaina

Kaina is the Japanese name for Slateport City, which in turn is based on Nagasaki. I had thought about Pokefying the name of or outright ignoring the atom bombing memorial there, but given how much of the real world I am mixing into this it felt disrespectful. I just hope how I have dealt with it does no disrespect to what it symbolizes and the very real suffering that both led to it and resulted from it.

If I have been disrespectful in this, I pray forgiveness for such.

 

[Ghostsoul]

This wasn’t his bedroom.

A simple line, a good way to help build up the sense of mystery,

To his right was the wall with windows, which had soft cream curtains that let through tiny rays of sunlight between them, and the head of the bed. A round mahogany night table stood beside the bed on his side, with a small electric light on top of it styled to look like a Litwick, the soft purple flame on top of the candle creature flickering inside a glass bulb. Someone diagonally, near the wall in front of him, was a sliding glass door with a curtain over it, though he was uncertain where it led.

But this large chunk of description after it slows down the pace a little.

The wall in front of him had a mahogany dresser in the center, on top of which were a couple of picture albums with locks on them and picture frames of Shirona, Kotone, and Lena cosplaying as Street Fighter characters. To the right of the dresser was a black wooden bookcase, decorated with a number of objects and picture frames; except for the display cases with what looked like real pistols in them, he didn’t pay too much attention to the collection. To the left of the dresser was a closed door, leading to a bathroom.

It slows the down the pace quite a bit.

Sitting on a table below it was a Playstation, with a stack of games beside it; all looked to be the most recent generation. Beside it sat what looked like a DVD player, though the Japanese writing prevented him from really having any idea.

Alright, slows down the pace quite a lot.

Kotone’s mask had come off at some point, revealing the burn scars on the right side of the woman’s face

Some subtle character building, blended into description. Nice!

But before he could focus on it, he felt Shirona’s mind enter his senses. It was like seeing an Assault Mech you didn’t know was there appear in Mech Warrior Online;

I know you like to use odd metaphors we describing psychic powers, and most of the time it works fairly well, but this just sounds silly.

It was like finding out someone gave cloaking devices to Jurassic Park velociraptors.

Again, a pop culture reference out of nowhere and it is rather silly sounding.

A permanent collar is a form of marriage.”

Surprised to see this as an important plot point, is it anything to do with the Pokemon 'establishment' or is it soley for character building? Perhaps it makes the characters kind of seem like outsiders?

I'll do Chapter 3B too, because why not?

It was the kiss that woke her. The soft, almost shy teasing of lips pressing against her own that became more forceful and more wanting as she began to respond, her soft flesh pressing back, hungry for the affection that single gesture of love offered.

I quite liked this small section of description, I think it gets across exactly what it needs to get across.

Mistress said nothing, merely continuing, ignoring the ongoing protests of the woman beneath her

Umm..

Kotone grinned wickedly. “After Caramelldansen, do Poker Face. Shiro likes that one too.”

This is a personal gripe but the pop culture references are getting a bit too much and aren't even subtle. Hell, they are sticking out like a sore thumb! (Also, this kind of implies a lot of the characters do not have tv/film/music preferences that are outside the very mainstream and what's 'in'. Most people would have a few preferences outside what is simply 'popular because it's popular' so if you must keep using these references, don't be afraid to use a bit more obscure ones too.)

She tried not to think about how the ever-changing arbitrary restrictions on clothing sometimes irked her.

I think this gets across a lot of Lena's character in one line.

“The Defense Department sent a notice through the IPCO network,” the Joy on the computer said. “They’re looking for a Ralts with camouflage skin and five fingers.”

Hmm, again the mixing between the two plots happening seemingly simultaneous doesn't blend well.

I think we learned quite a bit about the characters in these two sections. I really don't know what to think of Shirona any more she's a very mysterious and rather dangerous seeming character. Chris seems very passive in his role in the plot at the moment, he's like an outside perhaps good for a kind of 'reader insert' character because it doesn't take that much effort to project onto him, but as a result he doesn't really do anything but watch the plot unfold (plus considering what half the plot is now, it could seem like a sense of wish-fulfillment by the author, not saying it is but it could be.) Lena is overpowering Chris as a character at the moment she's a lot more dynamic and has a more intriguing backstory, perhaps we haven't learned enough about Chris yet to really see how interesting he is though.
More of a personal thing but the pop culture references in every chapter are getting on my nerves at this point, we have mostly already established why they are there but now they aren't really adding much or telling us much about the characters it's like in old TV shows when they try to stay relevant by throwing a popular song or even 'meme' at the audience to hope younger viewers stay interested. It separating the readers from the plot rather than keeping them invested.
I think you are getting better at this, but there are still times where you'll deliver a load of description to the audience which isn't blended into the plot well and isn't really all the relevant.

 

[Ereshkigal]

A simple line, a good way to help build up the sense of mystery,


But this large chunk of description after it slows down the pace a little.


It slows the down the pace quite a bit.


Alright, slows down the pace quite a lot.

I was going for a bit of slowness in that section. To reflect the early morning, half-asleep feeling. I need to reexamine this a bit, though.

I know you like to use odd metaphors we describing psychic powers, and most of the time it works fairly well, but this just sounds silly.

Again, a pop culture reference out of nowhere and it is rather silly sounding.

This is a personal gripe but the pop culture references are getting a bit too much and aren't even subtle. Hell, they are sticking out like a sore thumb! (Also, this kind of implies a lot of the characters do not have tv/film/music preferences that are outside the very mainstream and what's 'in'. Most people would have a few preferences outside what is simply 'popular because it's popular' so if you must keep using these references, don't be afraid to use a bit more obscure ones too.)

Yeah, I need to work on the pop culture a bit. I've tried to kinda hint that even when it is popular, it's not necessarily the same for their setting as our's. And I need to hint at some of the pieces that are unique to their world as well...

Surprised to see this as an important plot point, is it anything to do with the Pokemon 'establishment' or is it soley for character building? Perhaps it makes the characters kind of seem like outsiders?

It's not part of the League at all. There's a bit more to it, but that would be spoilery to post.

Umm..

It's a form of play between the two. Shirona did give Kotone the option to stop and a word to end it. It's a bit reflective of their power dynamic, which I've been trying to hint at a lot.

I think this gets across a lot of Lena's character in one line.

She is so fun in some items XD

I think we learned quite a bit about the characters in these two sections. I really don't know what to think of Shirona any more she's a very mysterious and rather dangerous seeming character. Chris seems very passive in his role in the plot at the moment, he's like an outside perhaps good for a kind of 'reader insert' character because it doesn't take that much effort to project onto him, but as a result he doesn't really do anything but watch the plot unfold (plus considering what half the plot is now, it could seem like a sense of wish-fulfillment by the author, not saying it is but it could be.) Lena is overpowering Chris as a character at the moment she's a lot more dynamic and has a more intriguing backstory, perhaps we haven't learned enough about Chris yet to really see how interesting he is though.

Chris isn't wish fulfillment or an insert character XD
I can see how he seems that way, though. It's going to be interesting to do Chapter 4 with him.

Shirona is very dangerous. She's actually intended to be a little terrifying in some places, once you stop and really think about her character and what she's done.

More of a personal thing but the pop culture references in every chapter are getting on my nerves at this point, we have mostly already established why they are there but now they aren't really adding much or telling us much about the characters it's like in old TV shows when they try to stay relevant by throwing a popular song or even 'meme' at the audience to hope younger viewers stay interested. It separating the readers from the plot rather than keeping them invested.
I think you are getting better at this, but there are still times where you'll deliver a load of description to the audience which isn't blended into the plot well and isn't really all the relevant.

I'll definitely keep these in mind and work on them heavily. I'm hoping I get much better at both.

 

[Ereshkigal]

Chapter 3D​

Shirona stepped carefully as she circled Lena, trying not to let her very real limp slow her. Her coat was discarded in the center pit, the ripped-off left arm lying beside it. The woman’s heels had also been lost at some point, sent scattering in an unknown direction earlier.

Lena also tried to hide a limp, along with the aches she felt throughout her chest and both arms; she had taken quite a few harsh blows before getting a lucky shot on the Asian woman’s knee. But the pain was a major distraction, forcing the girl to keep a distance so she had more time to react. It didn’t help Lena’s concentration any that she could feel the boredom coming off Chris, Madame, and the Ralts.

And then came the kick. Unlike with her earlier spar with Chris, the subtle tells were gone; no twist of the foot or slight lifting of the heel before her leg suddenly shot out. Or, as in this case, she leaped forward, one leg starting to kick before swinging down, the other leg coming up after the attempted feint. Lena took advantage of the woman’s currently-slower movements and grabbed the leg, only to mentally curse as Mistress’s free foot barely touched the floor before swinging up in a kick toward Lena’s head.

As soon as Lena reflexively grabbed the second leg, she realized her mistake. Shirona’s body bent back far enough to place both hands on the floor, legs immediately trying to lift the girl. Lena let go of them, only to curse as both feet angled inward, hooking her by her shoulders.

As Mistress completed the flip, Lena went flying, clearing the railing for the center pit easily. She stuck her hand out, wincing as her arm was yanked when she grabbed the second railing, and let out a cry of pain as she landed on her feet and pain shot up her wounded leg. Lena then looked up in time to see Shirona launching herself from the railing on the opposite side of the depression, launching a flying side kick.

Lena narrowed her eyes, her hands moving in front of her to aid her as her psychic power unleashed. She grinned wide as Shirona impacted with a wall of air, then winced; just the touch of the blonde woman was enough to shred the psychic construct. Despite that, she managed to keep it together long enough for Mistress to slide down a cushion of air and land right at Kotone’s feet. Madame merely lifted her feet to rest them on Shirona’s back and ignored the reply glare.

Lena panted a moment leaning forward enough her hair slipped into her vision; it had turned purple while she was maintaining that air slide, and now was fading back to red. Then she looked back up, just in time to catch Madame’s smile.

“You are doing far better,” Kotone said. “Did you learn that technique from Natsume?”

Lena nodded while watching Shirona softly move Kotone’s feet off her and slowly stand. “She offered a few pointers, Madame.”

Shirona tapped one of her hair clips and sighed, then removed it and handed it to Kotone. “This one needs time to cool down.” Then her eyes turned to Lena and she grinned. “She finally forgave you for the ice down her back?”

“Wait, cool down?” Chris asked.

“It’s a psysink,” Lena answered him quickly before turning her gaze back to Mistress. “She had me help with the illusion on Akane’s clothes.”

“What’s a psy-” Chris began, only to be interrupted by Madame placing a shushing finger on his lips.

The Ralts giggled and rocked back and forth on his lap.

Mistress grinned and shook her head. “She hated that princess outfit you two stuck her in.” The woman took a step and winced. “Chris, if you ever end up involved in the prank wars of the Tournament, stay out of the feud between Asuna and Akane.”

Lena grinned, watching how Shirona kept her distance. “You’re stalling.”

“So are you.”

But then Lena sensed it; two minds entering the room. Shirona, upon seeing the look on her face, nodded and swiped her hand across her own neck. Lena nodded and limped over to take a seat beside Chris while Mistress headed for Madame. The girl winced more as she pulled herself onto the bar stool, then sighed and leaned back against the counter while she waited to see who arrived.

She relaxed as soon as she saw who it was; Laura Joy, who had her pink hair in the world-famous Joy hairstyle. Laura was wearing a green t-shirt featuring Natsume as Queen Bellelba from Mystery Doors of the Magical Land 5, a pair of jeans, and the pink lace collar that set her apart from the other Joys. She was carrying a white case that featured the Pokeball logo of IPCO.

“Did you have to needle my mother?” Laura asked Shirona.

“Yes,” Mistress said without hesitation.

Lena frowned; she could sense two minds beyond normal in the building, but couldn’t find the other one. Somehow, it was hiding.

Laura rolled her eyes toward Mistress, then looked to the Ralts. “She’s cute. Does she have a name?”

“I was thinking Zekintha, after Zekintha Simmons,” Chris answered. “She’s a telepath I’ve read about. I don’t want to follow the goddess trend.”

Don’t you dare call me Zeeky.

Chris looked down to the Ralts. “But you’re okay with Zekintha?”

The Ralts tilted her head as though considering, then nodded after a moment. Yes. Zekintha works. It’s better than XCP002.

Kotone sharply turned her head toward Zekintha, what was visible of the woman’s face pale for a moment. Chris noticed and brushed his pants on his hip and lap. Lena mentally cursed at recognizing the signal; the girl had taught him the hand signals Shirona used without asking permission first. To Lena’s surprise, Mistress gave the ghost of a smile and rubbed her own elbow in a circle, almost like rubbing pain, to signal her assent of the strategy.

Laura surprised Lena more by rubbing her own index finger, indicating she would aid.

“Is it okay if I call you Kintha?” Laura asked, before looking to Chris. “And, could you set her on a stool and head outside for a couple moments? Standard procedure for new captures is to examine them away from the trainer. I’m not here officially, but I still have to follow procedure.”

Chris whispered to Zekintha before standing and setting her on the stool. He then walked toward the front exit, seemingly intent simply on exiting. It wasn’t until after he was past Laura that his hand shot out, appearing to vanish into thin air for a couple moments. When he pulled it back, Lena could see the gun in his hand, which he quickly held in front of him as he kept going at his leisurely pace.

W-wait! Zekintha protested, holding up her arms for him. I don’t want him to leave.

“Are you sure?” Laura asked.

Yes!

Laura gave a theatrical sigh and then looked to Chris. “It’s best if you stay. It’s not normal procedure, but the health of the Pokemon comes first.”

Chris turned to walk back. As he walked back, Shirona rubbed two fingers up and down her chest, followed by him swiping two fingers across his hip in acknowledgement of the command. Chris stopped right beside the spot where his hand had vanished and held up the gun. Then he turned his gaze right to the spot of empty air and smirked.

A man wearing a somewhat shabby brown suit covered in what looked like LEDs appeared, one hand on a knob mounted on the front of his suit. He gave Chris a dirty look and then snatched his gun back, during which Chris quickly yanked the man’s ID off his belt. Then Chris continued on, walking toward Shirona, leaving the man to check his pistol and reholster it.

“I believe I won the bet,” Chris adlibbed.

Shirona tilted her head, then tapped beside her mouth three times. “That you did. Come collect your reward.”

Chris kissed Shirona as soon as he was in front of her, lips locking and opening slightly. He used the opportunity to slide the stolen ID into her cleavage, his body blocking sight of it from the stranger. Kotone, who had been silently staring at Zekintha during the entire event, turned to give Chris and Shirona a dirty look before huffing and turning away; Lena didn’t need her empathy to see the anger on the woman’s face.

“Now that you’re done,” the man said dryly once the kiss ended. “I’m Agent Prestor with the FBI, and I-”

“I don’t see a badge,” Mistress interrupted.

The FBI agent looked at his belt, right where his ID used to be, and then at Chris.

“Before you make any accusations,” Mistress began. “Let me remind you that impersonating law enforcement is a crime. Team Galactic knows my opinion of criminals quite well.”

The agent paled. “Even under that damned treaty, killing law enforcement is a crime!”

She gave him the kind of grin that made Lena shudder as survival instincts kicked in. “Not if I don’t know they’re law enforcement. Do you have a warrant or a badge?”

Chris acked as Zekintha climbed him to try to get away from the combination of fear and a predatory sense that came off the FBI agent and the former Sinnoh champion in waves. Laura sighed, pulling a wand out of the case, and used the opportunity to scan the Ralts, trying her best to ignore the conflict going on around them. Then the Joy’s eyes widened as she saw what was on the screen.

“I don’t need a warrant when there’s a crime going on!” the man said, finally rallying what was left of his bravery before pointing at the Ralts. “And that Pokemon is wanted by the military!”

“She’s not,” Laura lied, her voice barely containing the anger that was beginning to seep from her. “She’s from the Amazon. Fucking smugglers don’t even care if the Pokemon they throw away survive!”

Before the agent could speak further, Shirona said, “You’re trespassing, you’re claiming to be FBI without ID, and you’re after the wrong Pokemon. Leave.”

Agent Prestor just stared for a moment, then closed his mouth as an angry expression settled on his face. But rather than speak further, he turned and marched out. Lena watched him go, then relaxed when she felt him leave her empathy range.

“Simipour,” Laura said. “The FBI used to be competent.”

“Simisage,” Shirona acknowledged. “It’s the treaty. Nine years of the best and brightest being snatched up. The League, the military, and Interpol force them to accept low quality.”

“How did he find out so fast?” Chris asked, shifting the Ralts back to his lap as he retook his seat.

“The FBI isn’t happy about the treaty,” Shirona said, turning to look to him. “They don’t like someone who’s not even a citizen having that much power. So they watch this place constantly.”

“He ambushed me outside,” Laura said, drawing the wand instrument over Zerintha more. “Now that’s an odd move set.”

“She is genetically engineered?” Kotone asked.

“Very,” Laura answered. “She’s still Ralts-enough to breed with her own kind, but… Part of her DNA is human, and part isn’t on file. The human part is why she has true hands. The other bit…” She sighed as she set the wand down. “This move list is very odd. She still has Growl, but Confusion was replaced by something called Psypistol and she has Magnet Bomb. And her ability doesn’t even have a name.” Finally, she placed the wand in the case and drew out a tool that looked like a strange flashlight-like device with a three-pronged end. “She’s not a weapon. The kit thinks they were trying to enhance how she bonds with humans. It’s confused about changes to how her empathy works… I’ll have one of the bigger machines analyze that.”

“I didn’t know your emergency kits could analyze DNA,” Chris said, his voice and mind both filled with discomfort.

“We don’t advertise it for obvious reasons,” Laura replied.

Lena found it cute how the discomfort seemed to make his mind vibrate, almost turning his mental ocean into an equalizer. One three-dimensional instead of the normal bar seen on a music video. She briefly wondered what song would have to play to match the pattern she saw in his head.

“Koto, are you alright?” Mistress asked.

Lena turned her gaze to Madame and Mistress, only to see Shirona’s eyes widen as she saw the look on Kotone’s face.

“{If this is about the kiss-}” Shirona began, only to be interrupted by Kotone’s hand on her mouth.

“I will say this in English. So everyone understands,” Madame said evenly. “That stunt with agent was unnecessary. You could have kicked him out without circus routine. Chris suggested because he is young and stupid. But you know better. I know why you did, why you have snapped at Lena, and why you are sending Chris many mixed signals.” She leaned in close, getting close enough her nose almost touched her wife’s. “Yes, I still have scars. But I am not little girl that started her journey in Wakaba. I am not shattered victim they pulled from that cave. You are letting worry override sense. Stop it.”

Shirona nodded and looked sheepish. Even through the mental barrier, Lena could feel the shame and embarrassment the woman was feeling. Finally, when Kotone pulled her hand away, Shirona said, “So you were not worried about the kiss?”

Kotone gave her an unamused smirk. “I know you. You are outrageous flirt and far too casual. But I choose bed partners.”

Shirona responded by hugging her wife and burying her face in the woman’s shoulder. Kotone smiled briefly and gently held her.

Lena turned her attention to Laura as she felt a strange mental change; the normally-focused Joy’s mind had shifted to a buzzing beehive of quick thoughts. At Laura’s gesture she looked to Chris, and then frowned as she saw the look on his face; a look of suspicion and careful thought, aimed right at Madame. She gritted her teeth as she focused; her psychic abilities were still exhausted from the spar with Mistress, and even her empathy was at a low ebb at the moment. Then she narrowed her eyes as she realized his natural method of thinking made his emotions currently unreadable. But the brief frown and small nod he gave told her everything she needed to know.

“Can you keep it quiet?” she softly asked.

“No one would believe me anyway,” he answered, with a soft smile. “And even if ghosts walk, it’s best not to disturb the dead.”

“You took that from my speech in Hanada,” Mistress said. “After Red’s encounter with Mewtwo and his retreat to Mt. Shirogane.” She softly gave Madame a kiss before looking to him. “That was right after I became Champion. It’s the first speech I gave.”

“You hated those speeches,” Madame said. “Remember how we used to mock them together afterward?”

Shirona grinned. “It was the only time I would see you laugh.”

“Not the only time,” Kotone teased. “Remember the Tigerlily Tournament? When that Joy was mocking you?”

The blonde giggled. “It was all I could do to keep a straight face while watching you crack up. I wish we had recorded her comments.” She sighed. “We should look her up sometime. I don’t know what happened to her after that tournament.” Then she smiled to Kotone. “But, I had someone more important to focus on.”

“Don’t let my mother know,” Laura warned. “Mom hates the rebellious trainer sect. But, she might be in Alola. Red has been recruiting Joys as trainers.”

“Did you use the weird koan in that tournament speech?” Lena grumbled.

Kotone giggled and buried her face in her wife’s shoulder, while Laura snickered and Shirona closed her eyes and quietly shook with laughter. Lena turned to look to Chris, who had turned to look away while he also shook a bit with laughter. Only Zekintha seemed to not find the question funny.

“You haven’t figured it out yet?” Mistress asked, laughter tinging her voice.

“Lena, remember history class?” Chris explained, trying not to laugh between words. “She wrote the introduction and explains it there. We were quizzed on this multiple times.”

“They still use that?” Shirona asked, surprised.

“I told you it was good, baka,” Kotone teased.

Lena bit her tongue a moment to try to keep her growing irritation in. “My empathy, remember?”

“It’s a logic puzzle,” Shirona said. “’When one life touches another life, a new life is born.’ On its own, it doesn’t mean anything; you’re supposed to ponder that phrase and all of the possible meanings it can have.” She grinned. “I used it a lot as Champion because it sounds deep. Japanese expect a regional champion to be wise, but battling your way to the top of a region doesn’t really instill wisdom. So after some time, I started to use that phrase and make up statements that sounded wise, but were empty of true meaning.”

“There was that time you were trying to get two kids to date,” Kotone pointed out.

“I forgot about that,” Shirona muttered. “That was before things happened with Team Galactic. And then Cattleya invited us to stay at her place while we testified before the UN in Unova. I wonder if those two started dating…”

“What brought you to Farm Center?” Chris asked.

“Do you think you’ve earned that?” Mistress teased.

“Shiro,” Kotone warned.

“Is this a test?” Chris teased back; he softly traced a small G on Lena’s leg, signaling to play along.

“Perhaps,” Lena said, getting in on the act.

Madame gave Lena a surprised look.

“Agree to a collar, and I’ll tell you,” Mistress added, smirking and quickly signaling with her hand for him to be creative.

“Only if it’s rainbow colored with rhinestones,” he replied, repeating the signal to Lena.

“What’s going on?” Madame asked.

Laura sat down the pronged tool she had been using and gave Shirona a dirty look. “Now I have to restart the scan. I can’t get an accurate reading of her brainwaves if you use her to sneak notes to your newest pet.”

Kotone gave Shirona a displeased look. “Both of you are sleeping on the couch.” Then she stood and motioned to Lena to follow. “I’ll be upstairs. Come up only if you are prepared to grovel for forgiveness.”

As Madame started to walk off in mock anger, Lena could see an amused smile light upon her lips. She stood and followed, grinning only once she was certain the others could see. It was not until they were on the stairs that Kotone tapped her temple, signaling for a telepathic connection.

What are your thoughts? Lena asked as soon as their minds touched.

Kotone hugged her close. You were right. They sync rather well. Then her eyes turned serious. But if they discover what we have done, they both will be angry.

Lena sighed and nodded. He needs motivation.

Nuclear bombs are motivating and less dangerous. The woman grinned. He brings out her playful side when she is unhappy. Like Hilda and Cattleya do.

I told you he would. The girl let a smile settle upon her lips, even as she silently worried how Mistress will react in the future.

Spoiler: Reference credit

The Tigerlily Tournament, and events referenced, are part of the fanfic The Longest Walk by Beth Pavell. They are referenced with permission, though this is obviously an alternate-timeline version of those events.

 

[Ghostsoul]

hat had been awkward, and he was doing his best to forget it.

I think the reader could tell that it had been awkward themselves!

so it hadn’t been totally awkward.

Again, also perhaps avoid this repetition?

the carpet was fading from purple to orange, while thin diving walls and several tables were sliding into the floor, with the carpeted slots sliding closed after. A circular area in the center of the room sunk into the floor, with steps leading down into it, while half-moon rails rose to provide some fall protection.

I think the description here is very nice, although it does go on for a bit, it's mostly fitting.

Chris looked up and, for a moment, it felt like his heart had stopped. It was Shirona

Is this going to be our in-story official couple now?

“I find you terrifying,” Chris admitted. “But if I shy away from you, what happens when a real danger comes along?”

An interesting relationship set-up at least!

“Am I not human to you?”

I feel like this might become an extended metaphor throughout the story, for some reason.

genocide?”

“That’s why you’re a Trainer?

Quite a dramatic question, with interesting yet a little exaggerated ties. I think this chapter is really help setting up the plot.

She snickered. “You’re twenty years younger than me.”

So our Official Couple have quite a large age gap then?

Then he realized she was using Lena’s favorite opening stance.

Even if you aren't, you do seem to be setting up a relationship for these two that'll be more than 'friends' or 'mentor and apprentice'.

“So you’re nippling that in the bud before I get a titty-bit started? Not a fan of piercing questions?”

Those are some awful puns.

“I shot him and had my Garchomp kill his Crobat while it was distracted,” she answered. “He was trying to end the world. Unfortunate that he survived.”

Sets up some good worldbuilding in one simple line.

she suddenly lunged toward him, stopping in front of him with the tips of two fingers pressed against his throat,

Is she enjoying destroying him like this?

even as she adjusted the napping Ralts on her lap. “Sorry, Mistress.

I think you are blending the two plots together a little better now than you were before, which manages to keep the reader interested in both of the plots presented to them.

“Is that the memorial for the-” Chris began.

Again, some good subtle world-building here.

“You tend to be rather scary on this topic.”

I think we already know that she's scary! It's a bit repetitive and even getting a tiny bit annoying.

“She’s one of the Trainers given special clearance under that treaty. If an invasion from Distortion World or some other alien place happens, she’s deployed to stop it. Because I’m her protégé, I go with her.”

Does this mean we might get an UB plot later on?

They think there’s an arms race with Giratina. It means the Defense Department pays our airfare and Shiro knows how many nukes America has.”

I think this allows a good blending between the two worlds, that of the real-world and that of the Pokemon World.

I base my opposition to profanity on Nineteen Eighty-Four. He was right that controlling language can control how you think and act. But my stance is about self-control.

So Shinora used 1984 as an instruction manual?

If you are nice and use kind language, they become kind

Using 'kind' twice like that kind of makes it seem obvious?

If you avoid foul language, you avoid speaking to them in ways that hurt them deeply, causing them to trust you much faster and form a stronger bond. And just as you threaten with looks and gestures, so too do you learn how to command with the same. Even, if you control yourself enough, giving commands with just how you stand. And no other trainer can read your commands, giving them a complete misunderstanding of your tactics.

I feel like this goes on for a bit, I think you can shorten it and still make the same point!

I feel like this chapter sets up the story well, I actually very much enjoyed this one. It manages to build the story in the direction it needs to go in and keeps the reader invested in the characters as we learn a bit more about them (especially Shinora who is a rather original character). I think you are getting better at not dumping description but you so seem to repeat yourself a few times, a few lines here and there could still do with being shortened.

 

[AceTrainer14]

It’s been a while since I reviewed this, but I’ve caught up thanks to the awards so thought I’d better share my thoughts.

I do like the idea of this story and how the characters fit into it. It’s an intriguing world, and I am interested to see more of the plot and how things develop.

Really, I am rather restricted in what I can say, as the plot hasn’t really kicked off yet due to the several chapters spent inside the club. It has been a useful way to get to know all the characters and the differences between Chris and Lena, and give us the exposition of the necessary backstories and what their duties will be, but it has slowed the story down a bit. A change in venue or interactions with other characters would’ve helped things move along.

Another thing that I think would help speed things along is cutting back on some of the details. The first two chapters are rather sparse in their descriptions, which works for them, but then the scenes in the clubs are described down to the minutest details and it really slows down the story. You almost want to skip them as a reader, but than some of the details come up later so you have to sit through them, but it does get dull, and dullness throws a reader.

The characters are the richest parts of the story, and it is clear you put a lot of thought into them. Each one of the central quarter is unique and richly thought out, and the supporting characters who appear or are referenced do stand out enough. My one qualm is that the kinky threesome relationship feels a bit put on and doesn’t really gel with the seriousness of the rest of the story nor the characters personalities.

Overall, this is a good story that really needs to just get going to highlight what you’ve got planned. It’s been mostly a character study and history lesson so far (and the history interludes could be worked into the story rather than being blocks of information) and it needs the Ralts storyline to gel better with the secret mission plot, and both plots need to get going soon. It was still an enjoyable read and was well-written, and I look forward to reading more.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Awards Review!

Multiple Dimenonslity, despite its currently short number of chapters, and perhaps lack of action, definitely have something going for it. As for the ‘Pokémon in the real world’ premise you have begun to get a good grip of worldbuilding, and as a reader I can already tell all the differences between the regular Pokemon World and this new one that you’ve constructed based on ours.

Despite the good detail of the description and worldbuilding details you provided the description itself can be excessive in places and it slows down the pacing of the work, along with the rather numerous pop culture references you did to establish worldbuilding can be overbearing and distracting at times. I think this can be improved by less ‘dumping’ of the areas of description in one or two paragraphs and spreading them across chapters and scenes more.

I think you have some interesting concepts in this new setting you’ve created, however, such as the ‘psychic training’ and ‘Pokémon hybrids’ and despite the fact we haven’t moved around from the few settings you have created so far, Club Marill itself still feels rather big and you’ve done a lot with the setting despite it being in a single location.

The fic has a lot of interesting character development and dialogue. Many of the characters having rather interesting powers and mysterious backstories for the protagonist, Chris to work out for himself. The character development so far has also helped establish worldbuilding as well.

The plot hasn’t progressed so much so far and the character development sub-plot doesn’t feel too consistent with the main plot, they feel rather contrasting in some areas, but this gets better as the chapters go on. It’s possibly a personal thing, but two plots being together almost felt a bit odd to me.

The technical accuracy is very good, I didn’t see any spelling errors and there were only small and non-intrusive grammatical errors, so you’ve done an excellent job in this area.

The fic here is certainly a good one, albeit not one that is perfect. The large chunks of description in areas is probably what you should work on most, especially to keep up the general pace of the plot. As well as potentially decide how much you want the fic to be plot or character driven.

The prose itself flows well, and is also enjoyable to read, it also has new interpretations of the original characters which fit in with the world without it seeming odd. The worldbuilding is fresh and unorthodox, despite taking a rather common fic premise, you have put your own innovative spin on it.