Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (7)

[Soulmaster]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

very impressive can't wait for him to win a battle among other things. I think that the first coin keeper is in Mt. Moon but thats just a guess(a good one I think acording to the clue .).

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Thank you for the kind words everyone.

I'm working on Chapter 7 now. Hope to have it up soon.

 

[Pashalik]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

I've been reading this lately, and though I don't have a full review yet, once thing I think could use more detail is the issue of Fawkes's age. We know she's just a baby at a few months old, but how does this relate, in your version of the pokemon world, to a full grown Vulpix? Does Fawkes have a lot of growing to do? Not so much?

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

I've been reading this lately, and though I don't have a full review yet, once thing I think could use more detail is the issue of Fawkes's age. We know she's just a baby at a few months old, but how does this relate, in your version of the pokemon world, to a full grown Vulpix? Does Fawkes have a lot of growing to do? Not so much?

That's a really good point about Fawkes. I think one of my weak areas is development of the Pokemon "characters." I try to describe the human characters in detail, but I think I do neglect their Pokemon as characters. Thanks for the suggestion. I will work on this

 

[The Booty Warrior]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

A'ight, pal, YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!

REVIEW TIME

Now, since I haven't been able to fully catch up until now, here we go.

I don't think I need to comment on the things you kept the same. What I will comment on, however, is Danny. I can see Milo really looked up to him. It is a shame that he died, and it's clear Milo's still bitter.

I think what you've touched upon is the Age-Appropriate Angst trope. Milo probably still feels bad about what happened even though it's been about seven years because it happened when he was little, right? Such things tend to mark children for the rest of their lives. I can see why he feels he owes it to his brother to do this.

Then there's the old man leaving. I see where this is going, however...while I don't like the fact that Milo was ignored by dad, I think I will side with him a little bit here in terms of who he preferred, though as a father, equal love must be given, no ifs, ands, or butts. My logic, going by what I've seen of Milo's interests and such, is this:

Milo, you live in a world of fantastic creatures. You live in a world where countless species of these fantastic creatures can do anything and practically everything. You have a big brother who'd have been more than willing to teach you a few things. So why are you shutting yourself up in your room? Why are you living your fantasies out in a video game when you could just as easily do the same in real life? Were you really just that introverted that the idea didn't strike you until mom signed you up for this Battle Quest?

Granted, of course, we don't know the whole story yet, I believe, so I could easily be proven wrong. And I might have forgotten something, too. We'll see.

Anyways, I see the change here. Looks like Milo is even more clumsy than before. Poor Spearow. ;_;

And Rena's caught on to him much sooner than we thought, eh? Ho ho ho, at least he's learning from his beginner's mistake, and hey, maybe now he'll be more motivated to improve himself. I still think that his lie wasn't as bad as, say, telling her he took on a Gyarados. Though I will say he probably should've just left the lies at the Ursaring bit and been honest about everything else. Let's face it, if he didn't think to himself "I wanna get some," and taken her up on her offer, well, then, what's the point of making up more lies? Hoping that the next Pokemon Center will have only one room left in reserve as well? xP

Anyways, other than that, I do have to mention something. The battle between Magmar and Golduck. Just one part. Well, two, but I'll take about the major part first.

Finally, the jets of fire and water dwindled in pressure and power, and the mist of the steam shrank as both Pokémon ran out of the necessary energy to keep them up. Neither attack had been able to break through, proving how equally powerful these two beasts were to this point.

Remember what Misheard Whisper said? Since he isn't available at the moment, I'll mention it. He said that you had gotten a bit technical here by telling us that both Pokemon had run out of the energy needed to keep the attacks going. Remember what he said about telling here? I think you can omit that bit about running out of energy and it'll be better.

Also, Magmar, despite being based on a duck, or a booby, with a bit of fire salamander thrown in, does not have webbed feet. Those are two clawed toes, but that's relatively minor. Just thought you might wanna know. :"3

All in all, excellent work, but that sounds redundant considering the quality of writing we've been getting from you. You really have come a long way since back then, man.

Keep it up!

 

[Pashalik]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Finished reading your fic(so far). It's pretty good. I'm very glad I read it. My previous comment about making the pokemon seem like more complete characters stands, but with the humans you've done pretty good. The bits where Milo lies to Rena to make himself seem more important are painful to read, but they are almost certainly how a 14 year old boy would act in that situation. I have no complaint with your great portrayal of real humans. One question that comes up for me though. How fast do pokemon heal in your world? Between Spearow's wing and Fawkes's paras induced injuries, they seem to heal much faster than natural creatures would. Without commenting on a pokemon's quick healing powers, it makes it look as though you aren't sure how fast real injuries would heal. A simple line or two about the amazing recuperative powers of monsters would patch it, if you kept the rates about even. Also, in your world can a balled pokemon be healed swiftly of any injury at the pokecenter? This is a question left surprisingly unasked after the stay of a pokemon at a center.

Another thing you've kinda sorta touched on, but not fully developed is the concept of etiquette towards another person's pokemon. In the story, we see Fawkes getting held by Mr. J and Rena. This seems fairly natural, as often in real life we let other people hold or pet our pets. But between trainers, is this considered rude? Does a monster need to consent? Are some people uptight or even paranoid about it? Something to consider, at least.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

@The Booty Warrior, thank you for the review. I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to reviewing your fic yet. I promise I will.

@Pashalik, Thank you for the advice. I will definitely try to work on addressing the points you made. Good suggestions

Thanks guys. Chapter 7 is still in the works. Hopefully soon...

 

[Sweet Veil]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

@Legacy Tag me when it's done.

 

[The Booty Warrior]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

@The Booty Warrior, thank you for the review. I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to reviewing your fic yet. I promise I will.

Thanks.

Oh, and I also forgot to mention something in my review.

I recall GaMa talking about how you captured the mindset of a teenage boy in the version before you re-wrote it, and I also commend you for it. It's like if we were Milo, we'd see Rena and think, "Wow, she's beautiful, but I'm glad she's not a slut," but when presented with an opportunity to share a room, only to turn it down and see her the next day, we'd sort of think "Aww, man, I wish she were a slut...for me!" Quite impressive. XD

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Haha thanks Booty Warrior.

Rena's character is one of my favorites (or it will be once the story progresses a little).

Thanks for reading everyone!

 

[CyberPika]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

UGHHHHH!!!!!! How do you get some many fans when no one reads my fic!!

 

[Chimchar98]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

UGHHHHH!!!!!! How do you get some many fans when no one reads my fic!!

Some of these fans are people who read this story earlier when it was slightly different, before Legacy reworked it. Why is nobody reading YOUR fic? Because, you hardly ever update your story, and while you have potential, you don't take anyone's advice on how to be better, throwing a tantrum everytime someone criticizes you about your work. The ONLY WAY you can be a better writer, which is what you want, right? is to take their advice, apply it to your story, and learn from it. which you are NOT doing doing at all!

Take me as an example, I was a horrible writer several years ago, my plots made no sense, my characters were flat, my writing was in script format most of the time, and while my attention to detail was good, my stories still were kinda boring and didn't go anywhere. I had a villain appear out of nowhere with no explanation whatsoever once. Over the year, with lots of practice and advice, I've slowly gotten better in my writing, and while I still consider myself an "amateur" fiction writer, I know for a fact that I'm a LOT better than I was several years ago, because I made an actual effort to be better in my writing.

That's what you need to do to become a better writer! Take peoples advice, use it, and make an effort to tell an actual story instead of just one paragraph or a few lines of script. People will be willing to read your story, if you actually work on it.

*sigh* But, you won't listen to me. You obviously never listen to anybody. You'll call me "mean" and "jerkish", and you won't take my advice, nor anyone elses. And if you don't take our advice, you won't become better. If you don't become better, you'll keep getting criticism, and nobody will read your fic. Sure, everyone always has their first failure, but, if they learn from it, they can make sure to fix it next time and try harder for their next story.

But, I've probably worn out your short attention span already. You probably looked at the first paragraph and said, "you're mean!" and turned away without reading the rest. Why do I even bother telling you this, when you won't listen to a word we say?

 

[CyberPika]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Ok I get that legacy is better than me but you don't have to keep saying stuff in a mean way besides legacy already told you to stop being mean and saying thing like go away.

 

[Chimchar98]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Sorry.

This was written before Legacy said that. I'm not sayin' you're bad, you just need practice. That's all. Seriously, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I was just frustrated.

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Hey guys, as much as I love the posts on my fic, let's keep the discussion about the story

 

[Chimchar98]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

*nods* Right!

Hmmm... that exploding Silph Co. building wouldn't have a connection to a certain other building exploding on a certain island, would it?

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

*nods* Right!

Hmmm... that exploding Silph Co. building wouldn't have a connection to a certain other building exploding on a certain island, would it?

What do you mean?

 

[The Booty Warrior]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

What do you mean?

Sounds like he's referring to New Island from the movie?

 

[Legacy]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Sounds like he's referring to New Island from the movie?

Oh! Haha, sorry I'm slow. But I guess my confused response gives you an answer to your question

Thanks, Booty Warrior.

 

[The Booty Warrior]

Re: Pocket Monsters: The Battle Quest (6)

Oh! Haha, sorry I'm slow. But I guess my confused response gives you an answer to your question

Thanks, Booty Warrior.

Welcome. Though, now that I think about it. Maybe he's actually referring to the Burned Mansion on Cinnibar Island?