Pokemon: Vessels(Chapter 0)

[Anime Psyclone]

Chapter 0: Beginning

Hannah was happy for her older brother Noah. Soon, he would be old enough to get a Pokemon! Hannah’s dream was to have one. She wondered what he would get. A cute Rowlet? A hotheaded Magby? An elegant Roserade? There were so many options for him to get. But she knew she had to go to bed, and she could ask him tomorrow.

As she slept, she dreamed about her brother’s first Pokemon. But then a dark creature appeared in the dream, one she never heard about. But what shocked her more was when she woke up, as a Pokemon. The Pokemon her brother would like the most, she thought...

 

[kintsugi]

Hey there! Welcome!

I had a bit of trouble leaving a proper review here -- what you have is pretty promising, but it's also super short. In theory there's a lot of stuff going on, but because you don't have much description, it's pretty hard to follow what's going on. Hannah's thinking about what her brother wants for a Pokemon, there's this random Lily girl somewhere, and then she turns into a Pokemon. That's a lot of stuff to take in for a first chapter, and there's enough events to make the story exciting, but you speed through them so quickly that it's hard to process them.

Think of writing/reading as watching a TV show -- if the whole thing is going in fast forward, you'll miss all the details that make the show great. You might have a nice outline of what's going on, but it'll be pretty difficult to get the core of the plot/characters, which in turn makes it nearly impossible to understand the deeper meaning of the show.

Take a deep breath. Don't be afraid to slow down and describe how things are going, and I think this story could be a lot more exciting.

 

[Anime Psyclone]

I changed the name of the girl. I guess I need to change it. Actually, I kinda ran outta ideas for the fist chapter. It’s more like a prologue then anything.
Also, I don’t have a single idea what Pokemon she should become, considering she will be her brother’s starter.
I may remake this entire story with my sister, a better writer.(Her name is Hannah, and I’m her younger brother.)

 

[kintsugi]

Yeah, I feel you -- starting can be rough. A little planning goes a long way, though. Let me know if I can help somehow.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Hannah was happy for her older brother Noah

Sets up the plot fair enough.

She wondered what he would get. A cute Rowlet? A hotheaded Magby? An elegant Roserade?

There is a strange thing, where people tend to dislike non starter pokemon as starter pokemon (pokemon outside the traditionally selected ones in the series). I don't mind it too much but it can seem 'sue-ish' depending on which Pokemon you actually pick.

But then a dark creature appeared in the dream, one she never heard about. But what shocked her more was when she woke up, as a Pokemon.

Not enough explanation on this.

This was very short so it's hard to do a full review on it. I would just say expand the concepts you already have here in a lot more detail and you could have an interesting fic on your hands. I agree with kintsugi that you should do some planning and begin when you are ready with more than just an outline!

 

[Anime Psyclone]

Sets up the plot fair enough.

There is a strange thing, where people tend to dislike non starter pokemon as starter pokemon (pokemon outside the traditionally selected ones in the series). I don't mind it too much but it can seem 'sue-ish' depending on which Pokemon you actually pick.

Not enough explanation on this.

This was very short so it's hard to do a full review on it. I would just say expand the concepts you already have here in a lot more detail and you could have an interesting fic on your hands. I agree with kintsugi that you should do some planning and begin when you are ready with more than just an outline!

I never plan things. Also, the dark figure was Darkrai.

 

[Ghostsoul]

I never plan things. Also, the dark figure was Darkrai.

It's more to do with describing the situation and adding how the character felt and all, to the scene.

 

[Anime Psyclone]

It's more to do with describing the situation and adding how the character felt and all, to the scene.

Honestly, I want to delete this thread because I think I can do it better, with my sister. She is a better writer and I’m the Pokemon Nerd here.

 

[Ghostsoul]

Honestly, I want to delete this thread because I think I can do it better, with my sister. She is a better writer and I’m the Pokemon Nerd here.

You can simply start a new thread when you are ready! It'll be fine!