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COMPLETE: Star Mariner (One shot, Original, EVERYONE)

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Star Mariner

In the gathering summer twilight, stars began to peep out in the sky. A crescent moon, as sharp and thin as a slice of silver, shone down onto the promenade of Herne Bay. The high tide plashed against the harbour wall, gently rocking the boats at their moorings. A little further offshore, a small sailing boat lay at anchor – sleek and elegant, with a single mast set forward on her hull. On her deck, a single sailor fussed around the rigging, silhouetted in the dusk.

Amy looked back across the water towards the town. The promenade was rapidly fading into shadow, the lights of the town twinkling on one-by-one. It seemed somehow appropriate that she should start her journey here, a quiet bay on the coast of Kent. Sea breeze catching her hair and blowing it into little flyaways, she hoisted the headsail and mainsail, two triangles of black velvet darker than the twilight. No ordinary sails for this boat; they were woven with spells to catch the other winds, the winds that blew to the sea of stars.

As she hauled up the anchor, Amy thought – not for the first time – about the journey ahead. The thought of the adventure still brought a flutter to her heart, mingled excitement and trepidation. But the boat was well-stocked, and she could work a bit of magic. Her tenacious little sloop caught the breeze eagerly and cut the waters like a knife. That was encouraging – but there was one last preparation to make …

At the stern of her boat, a little wooden box held the key to her voyage. An old-fashioned lantern, made of steel and rune-engraved glass, powered by a candle of wax and honey. This had been made for her by hand, enchanted personally by the hand of a young sorcerer. A last gift from a worried friend. Amy hoisted the lantern to its place halfway up the mast, where it shone with a brilliant and joyous radiance.

With a gentle leap, the sloop hopped out of the water and started to climb up into the sky. The lantern on the mast shone like a shooting star leaving a trail of glittering stardust that caught in the mainsail before dissolving like snow. Amy pulled out her charts and trimmed the sails, heading round West to chase the Sun. Her course would take her past the fiery crystal orb of the Sun, out across the heavens towards Venus, Jupiter, Saturn … and still further to the cold reaches where comets are born. Maybe all the way to the archipelago of the Milky Way.

*​

Two years later, on another summer evening …

The sea wind blew bellicose across the cliffs, driving the clashing waves into the storm-carven rocks. Down on the Southern bend of the cliff path, a young man stood heedless of the salt spray leaping up from the pounding surf. He leaned on a rosewood walking-stick, its head fashioned in the shape of a phoenix in flight, and watched the clouds race inland. He didn’t bother to try and calm the wind – he didn’t know the spell for that, and the wind probably wouldn’t listen anyway. This corner of England was called the wild West for a reason.

Every day he came here for a look at the great ocean, and to scan the skies. Every day, the ocean ignored his spells (and sometimes made a spirited attempt to drown him) and the skies kept their secrets. One day, he might have mastery of the wild West, but today he was content to stand and look. There was a new star in the Northern sky tonight. No, not a star at all, a lamp, shining brilliant and joyous. It descended swiftly, growing brighter and brighter.

“I know that lamp …”

Gripped with sudden excitement, the young sorcerer leapt up the cliff face, scrambling onwards and upwards to meet the falling lamplight. Nearly breathless, boots slipping on the gravel, he raced along the headland to meet the boat with velvet sails returning from her voyage across the Sun. He muttered a word of power, and the rosewood phoenix on his staff burst into flame. He looked up at the girl at the tiller, at a face he hadn’t seen in over two years. The lantern-light shone off the butterscotch-coloured dew in her hair, a hundred little planets caught in an auburn mesh.

The young sorcerer caught the blue eyes of his friend, and sighed to see her safe in the atmosphere of the beloved Earth. He waved his staff in greeting, phoenix-flame streaming out a glowing tail, and called out over the clashing of the waves:

“Did you miss me?”
 
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Given you always review everyone's stuff immediately, figured you deserved the same for once :p

This was a short, pleasant ride I devoured after missing my train. Your language and style has always been your strongest point, and it definitely works well here as you do have some beautiful descriptions. Given it's so short I can't really commnt on anything in great detail, but it was really a pleasant read. Only issue would be you type the "One day, he might..." sentence twice.

It struck me more as a prologue to a story then it did a short story. It seems like qutie a whimsical idea this female explorer flying off into space, the sort thing you'd see many modern fantasies based around - especially with the semi gender-swap in terms of the 'maiden waiting for her husband to return' stereotype. As a short story, it didn't strike me with any particular meaning or hidden messages, I'm not sure if there was supposed to be something hidden away in there. I think it would have worked better as an introduction/prologue than a short story, but for a brief piece of work you definitely do fill it with a lot of colour and spirit that made up for the lack of words with an injection of engagement.
 
It’s like a concept that was written up for fun, but there was no motivation to actually round it out. It’s like one night you were looking out over the see and had this scene pop into your head and decided to write it without any context. That’s nice as an exercise, and led to an enjoyable read, but there wasn't much substance. The setting seems cool. Some kind of fantasy world version of England with a pretty big scope. Again, it would be great as part of a greater story, but so little is elaborated on I can’t give too much credit.

Character wise, it’s not bad for the length and format. But I have seen better characters done in as short of a space. That said, those were the exception. This was pretty good.

I love your style. That’s not secret. It’s really cool to see that it holds up in other genres and methods of storytelling. That said, the wording of some things made me do a double take. The downsides of that kind of prose, I suppose. Cool stuff.
 
It’s like a concept that was written up for fun, but there was no motivation to actually round it out. It’s like one night you were looking out over the see and had this scene pop into your head and decided to write it without any context

More or less, I think. I originally wrote it as a present for someone. I was more than half in love at the time, which explains the slightly Pixar-esque soppiness.

I couldn't bear to do much more than tidy up a few sentences, so a short one-shot it will remain. I don't know, maybe it could be spun out into a longer story, but I kinda worry that it would lose the balance of the two scenes lined up one after the other
 
Since I had already reviewed this, I can't really say much else for my awards review I didn't say last time :p Ultimately I think this would be a really interesting and intriguing story if you expanded on it, and I think you have the writing talent to make it a fun, whimsical and fantastical story. This came close to winning since it is such a beautifully written piece and can invoke emotion in its few words, but ultimately it just didn't have the same substance as Bubble Buddies to warrant a win. If it was longer and had some more context, it definitely would have been a real contender, and I would love to see more of this world.
 
Please note: The thread is from 8 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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