Seeing as he has already replied to good criticism with quitter's words...
I figured it would be best if he followed through with SOMETHING. It's very upsetting to see good advice go ignored constantly.
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Ash Ketchum's Story
- Thread starter CyberPika
- Start date
Seeing as he has already replied to good criticism with quitter's words...
I figured it would be best if he followed through with SOMETHING. It's very upsetting to see good advice go ignored constantly.
an illegible mess.
i'll make tiny changes to earth.
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ok, i took the time to review this. please note this took like, 30 minutes. :V know that i'm trying to help you out the best i can. if i come out harsh, then sorry.
part one:
part two:
i also made a pointers list for you to read and review:
part one:
part two:
i also made a pointers list for you to read and review:
I really think you should give him a chance guys. After all, he's trying. When I first started role-playing here I was absolutely awful. But, I kept at it, and I think I've improved a lot since I first began. What my point is, Pika, is practice makes perfect. Keep writing. You will get better. You may have bombed on the first few chapters, but don't give up. I stongly suggest reading other people's fics and relating them to yours. What can you do to improve your own fanfic?
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Chimchar98
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True! Heh, you should have seen ome of my earlier tories from a few years ago, they were terrible! And they weren't even Pokemon stories.
"Practice makes perfect"? Well, actually the term should be, "Practice makes better." there is no such thing a a perfect writer or story. Then again, who doesn't love alliteration?
"Practice makes perfect"? Well, actually the term should be, "Practice makes better." there is no such thing a a perfect writer or story. Then again, who doesn't love alliteration?
Agreed. But, still, if Pika practices, he could become an awesome writer. I remember my first fic.....
Chimchar98
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Heh.Oh really? What was it?
PaintedEevee
Hey, I'm back! >:3
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Pika, your chapters are getting longer and a little more despcriptive, but I would just like to help you out.
I think you should try and turn something that would happen in a minute or so, and write it so it seems like it last a bit longer.
For istance, when Ash went through the Viridian Forest, maybe you could've described how tall the trees were, some of the pokemon Ash glimpsed, the terrain, or maybe just what he was thinking.
Maybe describe the weather? Was it cloudy? Sunny? Foggy? Rainy? Snowy?
And maybe flow your paragraphs together so they have a great storyline.
I also suggest you put at least five descriptive sentences in each paragraph. And at least 7-10 paragraphs in a chapter. It just makes it more interesting.
I would never suggest you stop writing.
I really do hope you take my advice to your heart and think about it for a while.
I think you should try and turn something that would happen in a minute or so, and write it so it seems like it last a bit longer.
For istance, when Ash went through the Viridian Forest, maybe you could've described how tall the trees were, some of the pokemon Ash glimpsed, the terrain, or maybe just what he was thinking.
Maybe describe the weather? Was it cloudy? Sunny? Foggy? Rainy? Snowy?
And maybe flow your paragraphs together so they have a great storyline.
I also suggest you put at least five descriptive sentences in each paragraph. And at least 7-10 paragraphs in a chapter. It just makes it more interesting.
I would never suggest you stop writing.
I really do hope you take my advice to your heart and think about it for a while.
Sweet Veil
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Those are some good tips
I realize they weren't meant for me, but those will be very helpful for a current story I'm concoting.@CyberPika You do have quite a lot to work on. Why is Ash at Oak's? Let alone Pallet Town? When did he get there? Where are Iris and Cilan, what's the timeline? Add some meat to the story descripition, what color are his eyes? Is he excited, you might want to introduce his Pokemon in a way that they come off as living creatures and not items. Talk about him a bit add a little build-up as well as concentration to the story. Use different words also. I mean a nice introduction could be something like this:
''Yes! We're almost there!'', a black haired youngman with amber eyes exclaimed.
''Pika-Pika!'', a high pitched voice from a yellow creature added.
''Returning to his hometown after managing to overcome the prestigious Battle Frontier is none other then youngman and Pokemon Trainer, Ash Ketchum who aims to be a Pokemon Master someday. With energy, spark, and fire in his eyes Ash eagerly dashes toward Professor Oak's lab, resting on his head is his Electric friend and starter Pokemon, Pikachu, whom also anxiously awaits the chance to see Oak as well after their last visit.''
''ALRIGHT! Let's keep going.''
- Thread starter
- #52
Chapter 8
Ash, Misty and Brock made their way deeper in town in Pewter City. The town was as beautiful and full of trees and scenery as Ash remembers from the past.
He normally would have enjoy it more except Ash felt a little sad watching
Misty and Brock hold hands. Ash felt left out now that his two best friends were dating.
"So it's good to see you again Ash" Misty have Ash her normal smile and her blue eyes look like diamonds in the sun.
Ash smiled. He noticed that Misty was not like a kid like before when they travel together. She was grown up and very beautiful with flowing red hair and her normal clothes, but Ash did not want to look at Misty like this because Brock was his friend.
Brock looked the same. He wore a pair of brown jeans and a orange shirt. His eyes were squinty and his hair spikes like always.
"Don't worry Ash I'm sure Professor Oak will be okay."
"Who was that secret Pokemon your brother gaw you?" Ash said.
"You will see when time is right."
Ash angered. "Fine."
"I think we should go search Cerulean City." Misty said.
"Why there?"
"Well, he's not here and if he is in big trouble I can get some of my water Pokemon from my gym."
"Which Pokemon?"
"I have lots of new ones that Brock helped me catch. I got a new Gyarados and a Oshowatt and a lot more."
Ash looked into Misty's eyes and tried to ignore the beautiful way she looked. He wished Brock would stop liking her and she stopped liking him.
The group decided to walk to Cerulean City like old times. The sun was setting and it looked beautiful like a orange and yellow fire in the sky, like a painting in the museum.
It was almost as beautiful as Misty.
Ash, Misty and Brock made their way deeper in town in Pewter City. The town was as beautiful and full of trees and scenery as Ash remembers from the past.
He normally would have enjoy it more except Ash felt a little sad watching
Misty and Brock hold hands. Ash felt left out now that his two best friends were dating.
"So it's good to see you again Ash" Misty have Ash her normal smile and her blue eyes look like diamonds in the sun.
Ash smiled. He noticed that Misty was not like a kid like before when they travel together. She was grown up and very beautiful with flowing red hair and her normal clothes, but Ash did not want to look at Misty like this because Brock was his friend.
Brock looked the same. He wore a pair of brown jeans and a orange shirt. His eyes were squinty and his hair spikes like always.
"Don't worry Ash I'm sure Professor Oak will be okay."
"Who was that secret Pokemon your brother gaw you?" Ash said.
"You will see when time is right."
Ash angered. "Fine."
"I think we should go search Cerulean City." Misty said.
"Why there?"
"Well, he's not here and if he is in big trouble I can get some of my water Pokemon from my gym."
"Which Pokemon?"
"I have lots of new ones that Brock helped me catch. I got a new Gyarados and a Oshowatt and a lot more."
Ash looked into Misty's eyes and tried to ignore the beautiful way she looked. He wished Brock would stop liking her and she stopped liking him.
The group decided to walk to Cerulean City like old times. The sun was setting and it looked beautiful like a orange and yellow fire in the sky, like a painting in the museum.
It was almost as beautiful as Misty.
ShinyFlareon
bowtie coconut birb
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Tch. Never pegged the Workshop to be the kind of place where someone gets told to leave just because their story isn't up to snuff. That's disappointing, really.
That being said, CyberPika, your chapters are steadily improving. They've still got a very long way to go, but people have given you some really good criticism. I know as a writer it's sometimes difficult to accept people telling you that things are wrong with your work, but as you continue to write, you'll find that good criticism is as rare and excellent to find as an oasis in a desert.
I think what people are mostly trying to tell you is to not be so blunt. Have you ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? Here's an example.
This is what you wrote:
That's telling. You're telling the reader that Ash feels sad that Brock and Misty are dating. Here's what it would be like if you were to show it:
"Ash tried to smile, but his heart wasn't in it. A sense of loneliness settled in the pit of his stomach like a stone as he watched his two best friends, holding hands and laughing without a care in the world, walk ahead of him, oblivious to the sudden change in his demeanor. He wondered how long they had been together, and how much they had even thought of him. Bitterly, he also wondered if there wasn't something he could have done to prevent becoming so alienated from them."
You see? Not once did I say the word "feel" or "felt," or even the word "sad." Yet, you still got the impression that those were the emotions he felt, right? That's showing.
Another thing you could do is go into detail in describing how characters do what they do. For instance, instead of just saying "They decided to go to Cerulean," show us what they all said. How did they reach that decision? What was the logic behind it?
For now, I think those are the two biggest things for you to focus on. Length will come with detail, though I would advise making your paragraphs longer than one or two sentences (except for dialogue), so don't worry about that. Concentrate on quality, not quantity, and don't assume your reader already knows anything about what you're talking about. Good luck with your future chapters.
That being said, CyberPika, your chapters are steadily improving. They've still got a very long way to go, but people have given you some really good criticism. I know as a writer it's sometimes difficult to accept people telling you that things are wrong with your work, but as you continue to write, you'll find that good criticism is as rare and excellent to find as an oasis in a desert.
I think what people are mostly trying to tell you is to not be so blunt. Have you ever heard the phrase "show, don't tell"? Here's an example.
This is what you wrote:
That's telling. You're telling the reader that Ash feels sad that Brock and Misty are dating. Here's what it would be like if you were to show it:
"Ash tried to smile, but his heart wasn't in it. A sense of loneliness settled in the pit of his stomach like a stone as he watched his two best friends, holding hands and laughing without a care in the world, walk ahead of him, oblivious to the sudden change in his demeanor. He wondered how long they had been together, and how much they had even thought of him. Bitterly, he also wondered if there wasn't something he could have done to prevent becoming so alienated from them."
You see? Not once did I say the word "feel" or "felt," or even the word "sad." Yet, you still got the impression that those were the emotions he felt, right? That's showing.
Another thing you could do is go into detail in describing how characters do what they do. For instance, instead of just saying "They decided to go to Cerulean," show us what they all said. How did they reach that decision? What was the logic behind it?
For now, I think those are the two biggest things for you to focus on. Length will come with detail, though I would advise making your paragraphs longer than one or two sentences (except for dialogue), so don't worry about that. Concentrate on quality, not quantity, and don't assume your reader already knows anything about what you're talking about. Good luck with your future chapters.
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- Thread starter
- #55
Okay i tried to show not tell and wtrie more about stuff going on.
Chapter 9
The water twinkled in sun and both the sky and lake was bright blue. Cerulean city was a big city next to a huge lake called Cerulean Lake. Lots of fisherman and boats were out on the water taking advantage of the gorgeous weather.
A soft wind blew in Ash's face and he felt te memories come back to him in this city. He remembered first meeting Misty and her sisters. He remembered his past adventures and the memories he had made all those years ago. Too bad it was only in his past and nothing would ever be the same now.
"Man, sure is a nice day today!" Ash said.
Brock and Misty held hands and it was still wierd when Ash saw it. It was unnatural because all of his life Misty and Ash were always best friends with Brock kind of on the side a little. He loved Brock as a friend very much but Misty was different.
Ash's tummy growled.
"You still are the same."
Then the group went to eat lunch and talk about what to do. Where could Oak be anyway?
Ash was eating pepperonni pizza and a white jelly donut with Misty and Brock. They were sitting at a table at Mistys favorite restaurant when a big Pokemon appeared and dropped a note on his lap. It was just a white piece of paper with writing on it in messy ink.
It was a Pidgeot with big wide wings spread out and sharp claws and a beak. The feathered were like a pretty coat and they flapped in the wind.
"Whoa a Pidgeot! What's it got that paper for!"
"I don't know!"
Ash took the paper read it. The handwriting was messy.
WE HAVE PROFESSOR OAK! COME TO CELADON CITY TO SAVE HIM!
That was what the note said that the mystery Pidgeot dropped.
The trio looked at each other and wondered what was going on.
Chapter 9
The water twinkled in sun and both the sky and lake was bright blue. Cerulean city was a big city next to a huge lake called Cerulean Lake. Lots of fisherman and boats were out on the water taking advantage of the gorgeous weather.
A soft wind blew in Ash's face and he felt te memories come back to him in this city. He remembered first meeting Misty and her sisters. He remembered his past adventures and the memories he had made all those years ago. Too bad it was only in his past and nothing would ever be the same now.
"Man, sure is a nice day today!" Ash said.
Brock and Misty held hands and it was still wierd when Ash saw it. It was unnatural because all of his life Misty and Ash were always best friends with Brock kind of on the side a little. He loved Brock as a friend very much but Misty was different.
Ash's tummy growled.
"You still are the same."
Then the group went to eat lunch and talk about what to do. Where could Oak be anyway?
Ash was eating pepperonni pizza and a white jelly donut with Misty and Brock. They were sitting at a table at Mistys favorite restaurant when a big Pokemon appeared and dropped a note on his lap. It was just a white piece of paper with writing on it in messy ink.
It was a Pidgeot with big wide wings spread out and sharp claws and a beak. The feathered were like a pretty coat and they flapped in the wind.
"Whoa a Pidgeot! What's it got that paper for!"
"I don't know!"
Ash took the paper read it. The handwriting was messy.
WE HAVE PROFESSOR OAK! COME TO CELADON CITY TO SAVE HIM!
That was what the note said that the mystery Pidgeot dropped.
The trio looked at each other and wondered what was going on.
Sweet Veil
Bright Days
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@CyberPika Better, I suppose. But, you gotta work on making the story ''flow'', you can't just say Ash's group is in this location, you have to have them traveling there showing not telling, I didn't hear a single word out of Pikachu which honestly makes it seem like an item not a Pokemon.[Try reading ''How to Conquer Kanto in 8 easy steps'' notice how the Pokemon are treated with personality and quirks in their own right, that's excellent characterization] Also your grammar needs a bit work. Also try establishing a plot and aim for the story as well as other characters. It feels a tad forced that Ash are in Viridian Forest one minute and then Cerulean the next. Plus, give some purpose for bringing up Cerulean Lake.
Best Wishes-
Best Wishes-
Chimchar98
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*nods, grins* You're getting better. So the mystery continues...
Gosh, though. I still feel bad about the other day...
Gosh, though. I still feel bad about the other day...
Chimchar98
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Nowhere to go but up from here.
keep smiling!
keep smiling!
Soulmaster
Notification King 1111
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I have been following this story and you have been getting better for a while. So keep up this uphill streak and you can be one of the best.
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