POPULAR: The Samples Thread

[AceTrainer14]

For anyone that has read any part of the GalacticVerse, or even those who have not, I am curious as to whether or not this new introduction to Arnold Adiem and Charlotte in the next-second chapter of Galactic is detailed enough. I had one person say it was vague in a way that made them mysterious, but given their role in the story I am a little worried it may be too brief.

Spoiler

“As we speak, the children are converging on Sandgem, and Cyrus is making his way towards Lake Verity. We can ignore the situation if you want to, Arnold, but I believe we are a few hours away from war erupting in Sinnoh.”

Arnold Adiem sighed, turning away from his sky-high view of Jubilife and looking across at his guest. “And I am sure you are relishing this as always.”

“You know me, Arnie; after a few thousand years, war is the only thing that really turns me on these days.” Arnold acknowledged the vulgarity with a roll of his eyes before contemplating the situation at hand; another war, another battle for the future of mankind, so soon after all the others. I really don’t have the energy for another one of these.

“Do not intervene for the time being,” he said after several minutes. “I want to see what happens first before we inform every one of the situation; we may simply be exaggerating things.”

“Oh sweetie, have you ever known me to exaggerate?” His guest did not refuse though, and Arnold watched as she glowed white and disappeared as calmly as he’d watch the news.

 

[diamondpearl876]

@AceTrainer14 I read it already and gave the comment you mentioned, but I might be able to help better if you explained their role or where exactly in Galactic this passage would go.

 

[AceTrainer14]

@AceTrainer14 I read it already and gave the comment you mentioned, but I might be able to help better if you explained their role or where exactly in Galactic this passage would go.

It would go at the start of the second chapter. I'd rather not explain their roles separately from the piece, as I want to know if their significance is clear from that one piece or not.

 

[diamondpearl876]

It would go at the start of the second chapter. I'd rather not explain their roles separately from the piece, as I want to know if their significance is clear from that one piece or not.

Probably all I have to add to what I said before, then, is to add a bit more if these are characters that might not show up again anytime soon because, if that's the case, it does feel brief and forgettable (because of the length, not the content). Hopefully someone else can pitch in, too!

 

[Twilight-Kun]

Something that came to mind based on the cliché "Giovanni is Ash's Dad" premise, but with a less sinister spin on it, since I enjoy subverting the usual expectations that accompany them

Unlikely to be followed up on, but if someone wants to expand on it, they're welcome to
-
"Ash! Phone!"

Ash glanced up from his notes on pokemon battles before putting them down and ran out his room, taking the stairs five at a time before slinging himself around the corner to skid to a halt in front of his mother, who rolled her eyes and waved at the videophone.

"Hey dad!" Ash said happily. "How goes work?"

The dark-haired man wearing a dark suit with an "R" emblem on its breast shook his head with a rueful smile before leaning his chin on his laced hands to stare at his rambunctious son.

"It's going well, Ash. Your ideas about raising pokemon have helped my employees make major strides in streamlining the process of procuring them."

Ash frowned. "So they're no longer chasing after them and capturing them against their will, right?"

Giovanni chuckled, nodding. "Of course. Approaching a pokemon in a friendly manner and giving it the choice of coming along or not has improved success rates by almost 450%"

Ash let out a breath and relaxed with a grin. "I'm glad. The pokemon were so terrified when we visited and it hurt to see them sad. Plus, I'm sure it causes less problems for prospective trainers too."

Giovanni unlaced his hands and waggled a finger at Ash. "Now, now, I know where you're going with this and the answer has yet to change. Once you turn ten, you'll get your own pokemon and your own journey will begin Not a day earlier. Do you understand?"

Ash nodded, eyes darting to the calendar on the wall, which was counting down to the day he turned ten - only a week away now and he saluted. "I won't do anything to make you or mom worry, I promise!" Excusing himself, he went back to his studies.

"I'll believe it once the week is over," Delia grumbled, taking his place, in front of the phone and crossed her arms with a rueful smile. "Will you make it home tonight?"

Giovanni's face grew serious and he glanced at something offscreen, brow furrowing briefly before his eyes met his wife's. "Not before midnight," he said apologetically. "A lot of projects are finally coming together and they require my attention during the final stages-"

Delia waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine. I'll see you tonight."

"Don't stay up on my account," Giovanni protested.

"Who'll make sure you eat something?" Delia shot back, copying his finger-wag, which caused Giovani's lips to twitch before he raised his hands in surrender.

"Alright, alright. I'll see you tonight then." His gaze softened and his fingers brushed against the screen. "I love you."

Delia's fingers matched his and she smiled. "Love you too, dear. Enjoy your night."

 

[diamondpearl876]

Something that came to mind based on the cliché "Giovanni is Ash's Dad" premise, but with a less sinister spin on it, since I enjoy subverting the usual expectations that accompany them

Unlikely to be followed up on, but if someone wants to expand on it, they're welcome to
-
"Ash! Phone!"

Ash glanced up from his notes on pokemon battles before putting them down and ran out his room, taking the stairs five at a time before slinging himself around the corner to skid to a halt in front of his mother, who rolled her eyes and waved at the videophone.

"Hey dad!" Ash said happily. "How goes work?"

The dark-haired man wearing a dark suit with an "R" emblem on its breast shook his head with a rueful smile before leaning his chin on his laced hands to stare at his rambunctious son.

"It's going well, Ash. Your ideas about raising pokemon have helped my employees make major strides in streamlining the process of procuring them."

Ash frowned. "So they're no longer chasing after them and capturing them against their will, right?"

Giovanni chuckled, nodding. "Of course. Approaching a pokemon in a friendly manner and giving it the choice of coming along or not has improved success rates by almost 450%"

Ash let out a breath and relaxed with a grin. "I'm glad. The pokemon were so terrified when we visited and it hurt to see them sad. Plus, I'm sure it causes less problems for prospective trainers too."

Giovanni unlaced his hands and waggled a finger at Ash. "Now, now, I know where you're going with this and the answer has yet to change. Once you turn ten, you'll get your own pokemon and your own journey will begin Not a day earlier. Do you understand?"

Ash nodded, eyes darting to the calendar on the wall, which was counting down to the day he turned ten - only a week away now and he saluted. "I won't do anything to make you or mom worry, I promise!" Excusing himself, he went back to his studies.

"I'll believe it once the week is over," Delia grumbled, taking his place, in front of the phone and crossed her arms with a rueful smile. "Will you make it home tonight?"

Giovanni's face grew serious and he glanced at something offscreen, brow furrowing briefly before his eyes met his wife's. "Not before midnight," he said apologetically. "A lot of projects are finally coming together and they require my attention during the final stages-"

Delia waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine. I'll see you tonight."

"Don't stay up on my account," Giovanni protested.

"Who'll make sure you eat something?" Delia shot back, copying his finger-wag, which caused Giovani's lips to twitch before he raised his hands in surrender.

"Alright, alright. I'll see you tonight then." His gaze softened and his fingers brushed against the screen. "I love you."

Delia's fingers matched his and she smiled. "Love you too, dear. Enjoy your night."

I like Delia's voice is this, and you're right, this is a lot less sinister than I'd expect of that cliche. Really, it's not often you see Giovanni painted in a good light at all, I think, so the idea has potential. I personally don't write canon characters unless they're minor gym leaders for journey fics, but I enjoyed reading this little excerpt here.

 

[Twilight-Kun]

Continuing on in my "Ash's Dads" kick, we have...
-
Ash exited the TARDIS, Pikachu on his shoulder.

Turning, he waved at the slender man leaning against the console, hip resting against it, arms crossed, grin in place and fez at a jaunty angle.

"Well, here we are," the man said, pushing off the console with a little jump. "The region of Kalos, if the instruments are anything to go by."

"What makes you say that?" Ash asked as the man joined him outside the blue police box. Locking the door, the man grinned.

"There's an absurd number of macarons registered, and there's only one place I know of that has more of them per square mile."

Ash nodded slowly before turning to gaze out over the rolling green hills of the countryside. "So why do you reckon she brought us here?" he asked, nodding at the TARDIS.

"Oh, you know how ol' Sexy is," the man replied, giving her a fond pat before adjusting his bow tie. "Wherever and whenever we're needed."

"Who knew fusing a celebi, rotom and a police box would have such interesting results?" Ash murmured. The man's face darkened and his mouth thinned as his lips pressed together.

"Quite," he said darkly, striding forward, long legs propelling him at a pace that had Ash breaking into a light jog to keep up. "The less I think about that, the better."

"Hey now," Ash said gently. "We got it away from her creators and she's been helpful ever since."

"Mmh..." The man reduced his pace to something resembling human norms and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Now then," he said. "Where do we go from here?"

"Pikapi, pika pi pika," Pikachu said, pointing with his tail to the left. Turning, the man and boy saw the faint outlines of tall buildings rising over the hills.

"Civilization is a good first step," Ash said. "Do we have to walk all that way though-?" He turned as a familiar vwoorp, vwoorp filled the air and watched as the TARDIS dematerialized. "Of course," he said, throwing his hands into the air.

The man grinned. "Come along, Ketchum," he said, springing forward. "Time's a-wasting."

 

[Beth Pavell]

I think the main problem is Ash's voice - in that, I couldn't find anything to pick on besides that (It read a little hasty to me, but I have only the haziest familiarity with Doctor Who so that might not be all that relevant). It's a common fanfic problem in that Ash sounds too mature, too sophisticated. Whichever version of Ash you look at through the anime, among the few traits that are consistent are his unsophisticated vocabulary, and ... well, on second thoughts he has been capable of quiet empathy. Put it this way, I can't imagine Ash saying something like "Civilisation is a good first step" (Emphasis mine, of course).



I've got about 250 words of Kanto: There and Back Again that have been consigned to the scrapbook, but I'm kind of debating whether it's good enough to find space for after all:

I’ll admit I have a soft spot for aquariums. There’s something so peaceful about the glow of the water, the waver and shimmer of the light. The silence of the gently shoaling fish. Gazing into the Marvellous Coral Sea tank was almost mesmerising in its … well, hugeness. The tank was designed as an all-encompassing experience; nearly 300ft long; almost 130ft wide; an immense two storeys deep. It was like someone had picked an acre of coral reef from the tropics and replanted it here in the Blue Planet Aquarium.

Marvellous Coral Sea was a world of its own. It was an almost overwhelming kaleidoscope of colours and species. Colonies of plate corals grew mushroom-like in overlapping layers, clustered together with knobbly acropora. Schools of bright damselfish, angelfish, and fusiliers drifted gently through the anthozoan forest. A delicately branching magenta sea fan stirred and turned out to be a corsola, disturbing some lurking horsea. Silver-blue shoals of remoraid circled the tank in the clear water over the reef. And above them all, the great carcajet circled.

This one was merely bus-sized at 32ft long, a tiddler by carcajet standards. Carcajet (Aquamachina giganteus) are among the largest pokémon we know of, great flat-headed, blunt-nosed sharks closely related to sharpedo. But these are peaceable giants, spending their lives travelling the world’s tropics following the densest plankton blooms. The carcajet cruised lazily past me, a rather sweet, dopey expression in its small round eyes. I could see with wonderful clarity its wide rigid pectoral fins, and the twin hydrojets beneath its vestigial tail. A couple of cleaner wrasse nipped at its flanks.

 

[TRNatalie]

I’ll admit I have a soft spot for aquariums. There’s something so peaceful about the glow of the water, the waver and shimmer of the light. The silence of the gently shoaling fish. Gazing into the Marvellous Coral Sea tank was almost mesmerising in its … well, hugeness. The tank was designed as an all-encompassing experience; nearly 300ft long; almost 130ft wide; an immense two storeys deep. It was like someone had picked an acre of coral reef from the tropics and replanted it here in the Blue Planet Aquarium.

Marvellous Coral Sea was a world of its own. It was an almost overwhelming kaleidoscope of colours and species. Colonies of plate corals grew mushroom-like in overlapping layers, clustered together with knobbly acropora. Schools of bright damselfish, angelfish, and fusiliers drifted gently through the anthozoan forest. A delicately branching magenta sea fan stirred and turned out to be a corsola, disturbing some lurking horsea. Silver-blue shoals of remoraid circled the tank in the clear water over the reef. And above them all, the great carcajet circled.

This one was merely bus-sized at 32ft long, a tiddler by carcajet standards. Carcajet (Aquamachina giganteus) are among the largest pokémon we know of, great flat-headed, blunt-nosed sharks closely related to sharpedo. But these are peaceable giants, spending their lives travelling the world’s tropics following the densest plankton blooms. The carcajet cruised lazily past me, a rather sweet, dopey expression in its small round eyes. I could see with wonderful clarity its wide rigid pectoral fins, and the twin hydrojets beneath its vestigial tail. A couple of cleaner wrasse nipped at its flanks.

Your description in this excerpt is amazing! I think this could be an excellent way to transfer your characters from one location to the next.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I want to paste the first part of the gym battle I have been writing for my fan fiction that I don't publish on any forums. I would appreciate if you let me know what you think lacks the most in my writing.

Spoiler

Back up info: Redwald is the challenger; Greta and Eusine are his travelling companions. Brock is the Brock we are already familiar with from the games.


The referee raised his hand. His tie was lifted along with his arms. “Begin the battle now!”

Brock reached to his Poké Ball in his pocket all of a sudden. “Aerodactyl, I choose you!” He said, as he threw the Poké Ball. A purple-grey like Pokémon with wide wings appeared in the air, floating around the battlefield.

“I can’t believe this!” Eusine responded. He was shocked. Greta did not understand why Eusine was so surprised. “What is it?” She asked.

“Aerodactyl is a fossil Pokémon. It is not easy to bring one to life. You have to find a fossil, which is too rare and hard to get one. Even if you did, you have to revive it in the last technology laboratories. Brock must have paid a lot of money for this Pokémon! Watch carefully, Greta. This may be the one-time experience in your life to see an Aerodactyl in flesh and bones.”

“You are fairly right, Eusine.” Brock said. “But I didn’t have to pay a lot of money to revive this precious collection of mine. I am in charge of Pewter Museum in this city, where we present many fossils in there. I have contacts across Kanto, with whom I could get in touch and revive a fossil as soon as possible.”

Redwald wondered if the rarity is the only relevant surprise about Aerodactyl, or was it actually a really strong Pokémon as well. He turned on the Pokédex to scan the Pokémon.

Aerodactyl
Rock and Flying type, Fossil Pokémon with Rock Head ability.
A ferocious, prehistoric Pokémon that goes for the enemy's throat with its serrated saw-like fangs. The research claims that the highest possibility that caused this species to go extinct.

“That’s still a wild Pokémon on the inside, isn’t it?” Greta said. She was worried about Redwald, as well as the Pokémon he was going to use. Eusine did not answer her, which was pretty much an answer to her.

“I know with whom to deal with him.” Redwald responded, as he took a Poké Ball out of his pocket. “Poliwag, I choose you!”

Poliwag popped out of the Poké Ball, and stood in the middle of the battlefield. The small Pokémon Poliwag felt even smaller on the battlefield, as he was the only Pokémon in the battle.

“The battle officially began!” The referee said. As Brock raised his hand, he ordered the first move. “Aerodactyl, use Bite!”

As Aerodactyl opened his mouth big and flew through Poliwag on the battlefield, he showed all his primitive instincts while he flapped his wings to come closer to the ground.

“Don’t fall behind, Poliwag! Use Water Gun now!” Redwald ordered. Poliwag did not waste any second and jumped on a rock to be standing on a taller position. As he breathed in, his small belly body grew larger. Then, he breathed out, as all the water that was accumulated in his body came out of the spiral on his belly. The tough water body hit Aerodactyl in the air, as Aerodactyl was distracted, and stumbled over. The waster was so tough that Aerodactyl was shaken in the air before he hit the ground.

Eusine proudly watched Poliwag’s move. Their training in the past weeks did not go in vain.

“Don’t lose any second, Poliwag! Use Body Slam!” Redwald ordered. Poliwag, all of a sudden, ran to Aerodactyl’s lying body on the battlefield, between two rocks. When he came closer, Poliwag jumped high and his small body hit Aerodactyl on his back. Aerodactyl, affected by the move, cried out in pain. His voice echoed throughout the gym. Greta felt the primary tour de force so deep in his voice.

“Aerodactyl, pull yourself together!” Brock responded. He sounded a little annoyed, although he forced so hard to cover it up. Aerodactyl lifted his head and looked at Poliwag. Seeing the Pokémon in person pissed Aerodactyl off even more than Brock could imagine. Aerodactyl stood up and within the anger inside, he attempted to run towards Poliwag. However, Aerodactyl was not good at walking or running. Instead, he stumbled on the ground more, forced himself to go for two or three steps, ended up falling down again, and as the last resort, he spread his wings wide and flew in the sky again.

“You are doing just fine, Aerodactyl. Use Wing Attack!” Brock responded. Aerodactyl floated in the air as his wings glowed bright. He was preparing himself to attack hard. Redwald stepped forward out of his control. “Protect yourself, Poliwag! Hide behind the rocks!” He responded. Poliwag jumped down to the bottom of the rock and covered his tiny body with his long tail. But Aerodactyl’s wings were glowing so bright that it was almost like an artificial sun inside of the building.

“Poliwag can’t protect himself that way.” Greta responded. “Redwald has to find a better way to do it.”

Eusine did not answer once again. Greta was afraid that every time she was left unanswered, Eusine had the bad news that he did not want to spill in words. She hoped she was wrong, though.

Suddenly, Eusine shouted out to Redwald, raising his hands and shaking them in the air in order to gather Redwald’s attention as fast as possible. Redwald turned his head, saw Eusine trying to catch his attention. Suddenly, he saw Eusine pointing out the other side of the battlefield. Redwald gave a careful look at the point where Eusine may had been referring to. There was a pit behind two medium size rocks.

“Of course!” The lights flashed in Redwald’s mind. “Be fast, Poliwag!” He shouted out as loud as possible. He sounded very thin compared to usual. “Hide in the pit over there!”

Poliwag put his tail down on the ground, as he looked at the point. He saw the pit but it would take around 7 or 8 seconds to get there. In the other hand, Aerodactyl was still floating in the air, glowing his wings brighter.

Poliwag put his tail back and began to run to the pitch as fast as possible. Brock ordered Aerodactyl again. “Enough, Aerodactyl! Use it now!”

Aerodactyl came closer to the ground and reached Poliwag in seconds.

“Dodge it with Water Gun again!” Redwald responded. Poliwag turned his back and blasted a Water Gun on Aerodactyl. But the unprepared little body of water had almost no effect on Aerodactyl.

“Despite of his huge size, Aerodactyl is really fast.” Greta said. What Aerodactyl performed in the past few minutes impressed her a lot.

Although Poliwag almost jumped in the pit, he was hit by Aerodactyl’s tough wings right before he landed. Poliwag cried in pain as Aerodactyl’s rocky wing caused a serious damage on Poliwag’s small body. Out of the pain he felt, Poliwag gasped for breath as he hit the wall and fell down.

“Poliwag! Are you alright?!” Redwald responded. He stepped forward, but Poliwag opened his eyes. He was not fainted after all. He forced himself to stand up, provided the balance by using his tail and eventually showed up. But he was too tired. Redwald considered substituting Poliwag with some other Pokémon in his party, but it was not a good idea to use two Pokémon already.

“Can you keep on?” Redwald asked. Poliwag nodded his head, expressed a tired smile, and walked back to the battlefield. Aerodactyl was still floating in the air.

“You have a stout hearted Poliwag here, Redwald.” Brock said. Redwald nodded his head. “Everyone is proud of him.” He said. “We have high expectations.”

Poliwag stood on a rock and watched the Aerodactyl almost dancing in the air. Redwald raised his fist. “We are waiting for the right moment, Poliwag!” He said.

“That’s suspicious.” Eusine said. “Redwald that I know of would waste no more second and already counter Aerodactyl. He must be plotting something, but what is it?”

“Let’s hope it is something useful, Eusine.” Greta said. “I am feeling too nervous right now, probably more than Redwald is.” Greta held Eusine’s hand and squeezed it. “Please, Red. You can do that...”

“Yes, he can.” Eusine answered gently.

“If you are not using a move, then we will.” Brock said. “Aerodactyl, use another Bite! Make it work this time!”

Aerodactyl flew towards Poliwag once again, as he opened his mouth big and let his fangs glow bright. “That is one well trained Bite move.” Eusine said, but he only made Greta squeeze his hand even tighter.

Redwald could feel his heartbeats as loud as Aerodactyl crying out. Despite he felt dizzy for a moment and got distracted from the battle, he pulled himself together in seconds and waited for the very right moment to order. Once Redwald made sure that Aerodactyl was close enough, yet not too close, he stepped forward and ordered what he plotted from the beginning.

“Poliwag, jump on Aerodactyl’s back!” He said. He knew what he asked was not a simple task to accomplish. After all, Aerodactyl was still a wild Pokémon in his heart, and even touching him was a big deal to begin with.

Aerodactyl opened his mouth big and attempted to bite Poliwag. But Poliwag jumped on the right side and let the rock stand there on its own. Aerodactyl crushed the rock in pieces as he missed Poliwag. Poliwag rolled on the ground, but pulled himself together in seconds.

Poliwag ran to another rock and climbed it quickly. In the meantime, Brock ordered Aerodactyl to chase Poliwag, not let him jump high distances, and attack as fast as possible. In the other hand, Poliwag still followed Redwald’s order, as he climbed on the rock and waited for Aerodactyl to come closer. Once he felt it was the time, he pushed himself even higher by receiving support from his tail, and found himself in the air, flying towards Aerodactyl. First, Poliwag hit Aerodactyl’s head and caused Aerodactyl lose his balance a little. Then he ran to his back. Aerodactyl was flying so fast that it was too hard for Poliwag to hold onto him. Eventually, he wrapped his tail around Aerodactyl’s hump-like ridge on his back, and let the Pokémon float in the air as he wished.

“Get him off now!” Brock responded. He sounded so mad that Greta recoiled for a moment. Redwald, in the other hand, showed off his fist once more and ordered Poliwag to move. “Water Gun now!”

Poliwag breathed in and built water up in his body. Once he was ready to let it all out, he used his spiral body to throw all the water out. Aerodactyl was hit from the back so hard that the whole water made his back wet and eventually unable to keep flying in the air. As the Pokémon fell on the ground and grovelled on the ground, by rising clouds of dust all around the battlefield, Poliwag jumped off his back and stood on a huge rock.

Aerodactyl was unable to battle, just as Poliwag was too exhausted after all.

You've got a pretty decent draft here! I did think Brock's dialogue at the start of the sample sounded a bit stiff for what I know of his character, and I didn't think the pokedex entry was necessary. The first half of the entry shows how ferocious it can be, which is fine, but I'd prefer for the characters to learn that in the middle of the battle, then have to think on their feet. The second sentence looks incomplete to me - what exactly is the reason researchers think they're extinct?

Some of the description in the battle itself reminds me more of telling, not showing. Example: Poliwag rolled on the ground, but pulled himself together in seconds. How did Poliwag pull himself together? Did he shake his head and smile afterward? Did he give off a battle cry? Something else? Things like that.

 

[Iggy]

I received a nudge to dump my drivel in here. So here it goes;

Spoiler

Rufel did not understand why he was brought here. All he knew he was inside a strange room with white walls, a white floor, and a white ceiling. Even the humans that brought him in here were dressed in white. They took his clothing before leaving, his precious acrobat costume that was shot with yellow and red with matching mask. They must have disliked the colours, Rufel thought. But the table beneath Rufel was not white, it was grey like the sky sometimes is when it is about to rain. Whenever Rufel looked down at it he saw a frightened Pikachu staring back at him, his tears softly patting down onto the sheet of steel, held in mid-air by queer white arms coming from the ceiling; a cold iron ring around the base of his flat zig-zag shaped tail, another one around each of his small legs to keep them spread and two more to restrict movement of his arms.

It seemed as if Rufel was flying and flying Rufel did at the travelling circus he was born and raised in. His was a careless life that took him from town to town to perform his stellar acrobatic acts inside the ring set alive by dozens of bright lights and the sweet cheers of the audience. How he pined to be back at the circus he left so suddenly, to stand besides his trainer and bow as the crowd covered them with flowers, to feel their laughter and shouts ringing in his long black-tipped ears after they saw his best trick; as his trainer danced deep below him would Rufel swing from a horizontal bar to another before filling the upper part of the circus tent with dark clouds from where Rufel could create the most spectacular lighting. But most of all, he desired that beautiful Pikachu he saw amongst the spectators that night, a young female with staggering pink eyes that shone with excitement and her fur a deep golden hue that twinkled and sparkled like countless little stars whenever light struck it. That same evening did Rufel left the warm and safe cradle that was the circus to be at her side, his little heart pounding a faster and heavier staccato rhythm whenever she was close by or their eyes met. And together they were, that is, until her pesky trainer started to shout at him, even hurting his person for being together with his love.

Sweet songs do not last long, Rufel now knows, and thus he was unceremoniously dismissed from her side then another strange human collected him when she found Rufel crying at the edge of a lake, luring him to her side with sweet whispers of revenge that filled Rufel’s mind. All Rufel wanted was a partner, was he being punished for that? He lived his whole life with humans but hardly ever understood them. Why did they have to make everything so complicated? And strange, too, for why did they stick this long and very thin pin inside of him? Rufel could no longer feel his lower body after that, even when he wanted to quiver of fear. The tingling sensation of his electric sacks, the only comfort in stressful times, was gone too, the strange people in white put something on his red dotted cheeks to drain it of their charge. That felt cold at first and gradually Rufel felt more numb and weak.

The sudden sounds of muffled footsteps brought Rufel out of the circus and back into the queer white room. Then the doctor came in, smiling, knife in hand.

I could tinker with it further but I have other things to write (and post here) today so I will leave it at this. The piece is canon and could or could not make it into the final story. Make of it what you want.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I received a nudge to dump my drivel in here. So here it goes;

Spoiler

Rufel did not understand why he was brought here. All he knew he was inside a strange room with white walls, a white floor, and a white ceiling. Even the humans that brought him in here were dressed in white. They took his clothing before leaving, his precious acrobat costume that was shot with yellow and red with matching mask. They must have disliked the colours, Rufel thought. But the table beneath Rufel was not white, it was grey like the sky sometimes is when it is about to rain. Whenever Rufel looked down at it he saw a frightened Pikachu staring back at him, his tears softly patting down onto the sheet of steel, held in mid-air by queer white arms coming from the ceiling; a cold iron ring around the base of his flat zig-zag shaped tail, another one around each of his small legs to keep them spread and two more to restrict movement of his arms.

It seemed as if Rufel was flying and flying Rufel did at the travelling circus he was born and raised in. His was a careless life that took him from town to town to perform his stellar acrobatic acts inside the ring set alive by dozens of bright lights and the sweet cheers of the audience. How he pined to be back at the circus he left so suddenly, to stand besides his trainer and bow as the crowd covered them with flowers, to feel their laughter and shouts ringing in his long black-tipped ears after they saw his best trick; as his trainer danced deep below him would Rufel swing from a horizontal bar to another before filling the upper part of the circus tent with dark clouds from where Rufel could create the most spectacular lighting. But most of all, he desired that beautiful Pikachu he saw amongst the spectators that night, a young female with staggering pink eyes that shone with excitement and her fur a deep golden hue that twinkled and sparkled like countless little stars whenever light struck it. That same evening did Rufel left the warm and safe cradle that was the circus to be at her side, his little heart pounding a faster and heavier staccato rhythm whenever she was close by or their eyes met. And together they were, that is, until her pesky trainer started to shout at him, even hurting his person for being together with his love.

Sweet songs do not last long, Rufel now knows, and thus he was unceremoniously dismissed from her side then another strange human collected him when she found Rufel crying at the edge of a lake, luring him to her side with sweet whispers of revenge that filled Rufel’s mind. All Rufel wanted was a partner, was he being punished for that? He lived his whole life with humans but hardly ever understood them. Why did they have to make everything so complicated? And strange, too, for why did they stick this long and very thin pin inside of him? Rufel could no longer feel his lower body after that, even when he wanted to quiver of fear. The tingling sensation of his electric sacks, the only comfort in stressful times, was gone too, the strange people in white put something on his red dotted cheeks to drain it of their charge. That felt cold at first and gradually Rufel felt more numb and weak.

The sudden sounds of muffled footsteps brought Rufel out of the circus and back into the queer white room. Then the doctor came in, smiling, knife in hand.

I could tinker with it further but I have other things to write (and post here) today so I will leave it at this. The piece is canon and could or could not make it into the final story. Make of it what you want.

There's certainly a lot packed into this bit, eh? A pikachu strapped down in the middle of who knows where, being drained of his energy, all the while reminiscing of his old life at a circus and a female pikachu he fell in love with at first sight. Yeah, that's a lot. But I find it interesting. The concept of pokemon "performing" reminds me of contests and the like, but a circus is a whole new ballgame with lots of possibilities to explore. This begs the question, too, of course, as to why and how Rufel's in the position he's in... not to mention how pokemon react to romance when their lives are basically dedicated to their trainers... There's little context in this paragraph for those things - not that there needs to be - but I can't comment on it for the time being in the case other than it serves for an effective hook.

Probably my only complaint is technical. With explaining too much in such little space, you risk running into long winded sentences that might be too confusing given how much information there is. I'd say that's the case with the second paragraph. I had to read it a few times to absolutely make certain I knew what it was about (and I guess since it's 1AM and I'm tired, I could still be wrong, correct me if I am haha). Other than that, I'd be down for more.

 

[Iggy]

I GOT A REPLY!

Okay, serious mode.

There's certainly a lot packed into this bit, eh? A pikachu strapped down in the middle of who knows where, being drained of his energy, all the while reminiscing of his old life at a circus and a female pikachu he fell in love with at first sight. Yeah, that's a lot. But I find it interesting. The concept of pokemon "performing" reminds me of contests and the like, but a circus is a whole new ballgame with lots of possibilities to explore. This begs the question, too, of course, as to why and how Rufel's in the position he's in... not to mention how pokemon react to romance when their lives are basically dedicated to their trainers... There's little context in this paragraph for those things - not that there needs to be - but I can't comment on it for the time being in the case other than it serves for an effective hook.

Probably my only complaint is technical. With explaining too much in such little space, you risk running into long winded sentences that might be too confusing given how much information there is. I'd say that's the case with the second paragraph. I had to read it a few times to absolutely make certain I knew what it was about (and I guess since it's 1AM and I'm tired, I could still be wrong, correct me if I am haha). Other than that, I'd be down for more.

Heh, your critique is greatly welcomed and just. Rufel is much like the reader, at lost what is going on and why. He's afraid and thinks back about happier times to sooth his nerves. Seeing his reflection in the table beneath him is a bridge to this past at the circus, of course. I wrote the scene just to showcase a bit of the story I'm constructing. Rufel's arc isn't major and the bit you are reading about is the result of his own behaviour he didn't correct despite the countless warnings and trouble it earned him. No, he's not going to get slaughtered or anything, although Rufel thinks otherwise. From his perspective he never hurt a fly (or should I say Flygon?) and had the best intentions when he did all he could to be at that other Pikachu's side. The media res nature of the scene leaves dozens of questions unanswered and that is pretty much what I meant with "Make of it what you want." People can do strange things when they're in love, could the same be true with Pokémon? What if Rufel's original trainer was growing displeased and unhappy with him and was looking for an opening to be rid of him? I do mention that Rufel, despite being born and raised among humans, always had a hard time understanding them. Here's a spoiler: Rufel isn't very clever. What if Rufel, a very impulsive Pokémon, was overtaken by his own emotions when he spotted that shiny little Pikachu in the audience that night? What if that same Pikachu wasn't appreciating Rufel's affection?

I'm almost done writing a sample chapter that should make for a much better reading. It is meant to focus on the rival of the main character, his dreams, past and flaws.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I GOT A REPLY!

Okay, serious mode.



Heh, your critique is greatly welcomed and just. Rufel is much like the reader, at lost what is going on and why. He's afraid and thinks back about happier times to sooth his nerves. Seeing his reflection in the table beneath him is a bridge to this past at the circus, of course. I wrote the scene just to showcase a bit of the story I'm constructing. Rufel's arc isn't major and the bit you are reading about is the result of his own behaviour he didn't correct despite the countless warnings and trouble it earned him. No, he's not going to get slaughtered or anything, although Rufel thinks otherwise. From his perspective he never hurt a fly (or should I say Flygon?) and had the best intentions when he did all he could to be at that other Pikachu's side. The media res nature of the scene leaves dozens of questions unanswered and that is pretty much what I meant with "Make of it what you want." People can do strange things when they're in love, could the same be true with Pokémon? What if Rufel's original trainer was growing displeased and unhappy with him and was looking for an opening to be rid of him? I do mention that Rufel, despite being born and raised among humans, always had a hard time understanding them. Here's a spoiler: Rufel isn't very clever. What if Rufel, a very impulsive Pokémon, was overtaken by his own emotions when he spotted that shiny little Pikachu in the audience that night? What if that same Pikachu wasn't appreciating Rufel's affection?

I'm almost done writing a sample chapter that should make for a much better reading. It is meant to focus on the rival of the main character, his dreams, past and flaws.

Pokemon sentience, especially when you mix in the interactions between them and humans, can be a fairly interesting concept to write and read about. You could argue that no two humans fully understand each other, honestly, so by "a hard time understanding them," what does that mean? Does Rufel not even understand them when they speak outside of certain learned phrases for the circus performances? Does Rufel mean on a "things only humans can do are weird so I don't get it" level? There are a lot of questions indeed.

 

[Beth Pavell]

150 words of mine this time:


More than three hundred and fifty years ago, lightning struck the Brass Tower.

Three hours was all it took for the ensuing inferno to devour the temple. The fire greedily burned centuries-old oak timbers into cracked and brittle charcoal. The archive collapsed in a shower of cinders, spilling books into the night like meteors. Wind-blown pages, fiercely blazing, fluttered down into the temple garden, carrying fire into the arms of the cheri trees. Brass melted and flowed like wax. While the Brass Tower burned, its twin to the east glowed red with reflected firelight.

Finally, just before midnight, the heavens opened up and extinguished the inferno. We may never know how many people died in the disaster – the contemporary accounts appear to be unconcerned with the human cost. It is said that three pokémon died and were reborn in that fire, transformed into elemental forces that have endlessly roamed the Isles ever since.


The second paragraph is perhaps the one that needs the most work. Obviously it needs to have some intensity to convey some sense of the cultural disaster, but I kept finding the description boiled down to a lot of burny blazing fire

 

[Iggy]

The second paragraph is perhaps the one that needs the most work. Obviously it needs to have some intensity to convey some sense of the cultural disaster, but I kept finding the description boiled down to a lot of burny blazing fire

I had to look up on the wiki what the whole deal is with the Brass tower and that, I think, is what you meant with the sense of cultural disaster; why should the reader care about some tower burning down. What impact did the destruction have on the people who paid their tribute at the tower? How did Pokémons react? Did it have any consequences for the relationship between humans and Pokémons?

 

[Ghostsoul]

Three hours was all it took for the ensuing inferno to devour the temple. The fire greedily burned centuries-old oak timbers into cracked and brittle charcoal. The archive collapsed in a shower of cinders, spilling books into the night like meteors. Wind-blown pages, fiercely blazing, fluttered down into the temple garden, carrying fire into the arms of the cheri trees. Brass melted and flowed like wax. While the Brass Tower burned, its twin to the east glowed red with reflected firelight.

The description is really good here. It manages to both be informative and interesting prose. The description is just right so that it can be pictured by the reader, it's not bogged down by too much detail. It's not too dramatic and not too restricted. I would say it's just right.

Finally, just before midnight, the heavens opened up and extinguished the inferno. We may never know how many people died in the disaster – the contemporary accounts appear to be unconcerned with the human cost. It is said that three pokémon died and were reborn in that fire, transformed into elemental forces that have endlessly roamed the Isles ever since.

I would like to hear more mythology in regards to the 'elemental forces' in terms of description, if you can think of something as lovely as the first paragraph I think it'll work well. Perhaps also go into guesses of to what the Pokemon that died were (or rather rumors to elaborate). You could also include some more macabre details of their death, but it's not completely necessary, more an extra option.

Some Context:
- This is a Hetalia fic (not a Pokemon fic) although you don't need to have watched or read Hetalia to understand any of it.
- This is my first attempt at writing in present tense, no clue if it works or not.
- This is unchecked, so there are probably a few spelling/grammar errors. Focus on them less, I'm looking generally to see how much this 'works' or not.

Spoiler

“There have been recent reports of a large fire – ”

Eyes fuzzy. I can see the sun shining. It shines through the window drapes and –

“the fire destroyed the entire southern half of – ”

There’s a fuzzy cloud, it’s right by the southern half of the window. It sinks itself into the sun, like a coin or a soul. I would reach out and touch it and –

“There have been no confirmed deaths, but 12 injuries, three of them fa-

Become a part of it. Ah! To sink into the sun’s rays and fade into nature. To feel the grass around your toes and flesh and wind to change to have it bend to your will and –

“The police say there has been no signs of the criminal involved although it is currently being treated as-

Nature is the subject of art, and all art goes back to nature. Humans are not supposed to pent up, we -

“It is unknown how long it’ll take to repair the structures but –

They are supposed to be part of a greater reality!

“Feliciano!”

There is a bowl of cereal on my lap. It spilled, falling and falling and then splat! The cold milk running white across the entirety of my legs and the carpet. I scramble off the chair, then the spoon falls too. That’s all of the milk gone! That carpet was such a deep red! I just had to go and spoil it! How long will that take to clean up? I jolt my eyes around the room.

“Sorry, I thought the TV was talking to me for a second there…”

“Oh, Feli. I gave that bowl to you thirty minutes ago. You’ve hardly eaten anything.”

“I’m so sorry mum, sorry!”

My mind so fatigued from the drag of the early morning. I could still be hypnagogic. I take a deep breath, fill my lungs with air and look back at my mother.

“It’s funny how disasters like this are so common around here, eh?”

I sit back onto the arms of the armchair. It is plush and the colour of dawn. Even it’s arms are a great comfort. My hands collapse into the side of my face. The entirety of this body has often felt heavy to me.

“It’s a surprise that this entire house hasn’t fallen down itself yet!” Mum laughs and I force myself to smile.

This town does have a few odd legends about it. A creature known as a ‘Nation’ or a ‘Child of Europa’ being the most prominent of all. I’ve heard foreigners refer to arriving here as like ‘crossing a threshold’. Nations are indeed, creatures of threshold. One such legend goes that a human becomes a Nation upon their last earthy lifetime. They exist in a place between lower and higher conciseness. A forced meditation of existence of which few manage to succeed in. They say those who fail are cast into the world, that’s why you can hear mountains scream sometimes.

“Is it about time that I get going?” my voice is weak.

 

[Iggy]

@Ghostsoul I have not heard of Hetalia before you mentioned it so I quickly looked it up what it is all about. I still found it hard to grasp what it is about so maybe it just doesn't work for me. Perhaps a few bits of context could do a lot. You mentioned it is unchecked so I won't comment on grammer and spelling. I don't see an issue writing in present tense. I must have missed the reason why stories are always writting in past tense.

I finished the sample chapter of Two Perfect Cowards, it is 2072 words big and attached at a PDF document. I wrote it as a preview and to get a little look into the opposition camp of the protagonist. I am considering of writing about one of the main character's allies next.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I finished the sample chapter of Two Perfect Cowards, it is 2072 words big and attached at a PDF document. I wrote it as a preview and to get a little look into the opposition camp of the protagonist. I am considering of writing about one of the main character's allies next.

You might have better luck with a shorter sample here (not required, just that you might get quicker/more specific feedback on smaller samples). Question for feedback, though: is this the beginning of the chapter you're working on or a condensed version of the whole chapter? Not sure you mean when you say "sample chapter" - it looks like a preview of the beginning, but just want to be sure.

Either way, we do ask that you provide commentary for the person above you if no one else has commented yet. ^^

 

[Flaze]

To feel the grass around your toes and flesh and wind to change to have it bend to your will and –

The second half of that sentence doesn't really make sense, starting with wind. It sounds like you're saying "to have the wind bend to your will" instead but it's all very disorderly.

Nature is the subject of art, and all art goes back to nature. Humans are not supposed to pent up, we -

"Humans are not supposed to pent-up" what exactly are we not supposed to pent-up? it'd be good to specify or maybe say "be pent-up" if you want to be more general, I think that would fit better.

There is a bowl of cereal on my lap. It spilled, falling and falling and then splat! The cold milk running white across the entirety of my legs and the carpet. I scramble off the chair, then the spoon falls too. That’s all of the milk gone! That carpet was such a deep red! I just had to go and spoil it! How long will that take to clean up? I jolt my eyes around the room.

I think the big thing that jumped at me from the piece was this and it kind of summarizes the big issue. At times it feels like the tone your going for with the prose is shifting uncontrollably, at first we're imagining the cereal bowl and then it falls quickly, then we're just taken through the sequence of events really fast. Now, this makes sense considering that it's all passing just as fast for the POV character, but it kind of makes it all seem rushed and also makes it hard for the reader to focus on anything specific before we're moving to the next one. I think that shortening the sequence or splitting it into two paragraphs where you can go more in depth would help.

That argument fits the piece itself but the one thing I'm unsure of is the present tense. At the time I can see where you're going with it, but it still feels a lot like first person past in some was. Another thing to keep track of is having the character's personality come off better with the prose, something that you sometimes have trouble with in Infinite Reins.

That being said, I think that it still works as a good intro for a chapter and I actually don't think that, at least with what you've shown, you need a lot of context about Hetalia to be able to read it. Though I would advise on having the explanation for the nations moved to another part of the story where it doesn't feel like it's just being thrown at us as exposition.