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POPULAR: The Samples Thread

You might have better luck with a shorter sample here (not required, just that you might get quicker/more specific feedback on smaller samples). Question for feedback, though: is this the beginning of the chapter you're working on or a condensed version of the whole chapter? Not sure you mean when you say "sample chapter" - it looks like a preview of the beginning, but just want to be sure.
The chapter is written from the perspective of one of the opponents of the main character who is about to go on his own quest. I wrote it to see how this threesome work, if only to get a better grip on them. And why not post it to see how others think of it? On the timeline of Two Perfect Cowards, the tree hut chapter takes places right before the start. To get a better understanding of your characters I think it is a good practice to write about an average day in their lives, it may lead to interesting surprises (such as the tree hut that symbolizes something).

"Humans are not supposed to pent-up" what exactly are we not supposed to pent-up? it'd be good to specify or maybe say "be pent-up" if you want to be more general, I think that would fit better.

That's one of the bits that confused me. I blamed my ignorance about Hetalia, but after looking it up I still didn't grasp it.

Either way, we do ask that you provide commentary for the person above you if no one else has commented yet. ^^
Oh, that was a bit rude of me. I edited the post.
 
@Iggy Okay, I got a chance to look at it now.

I think from the last sample and this one, I have a fairly decent grasp on your writing style. That's a good thing.

There's lots of description mixed with characterization; one never seems to overshadow the other at any point. You don't have any wasted space, at any rate, with the description being vivid enough but not overdone and the characterization expanded on only in appropriate places. That's a hard balance to achieve, methinks, so kudos there. That said, the wording can feel clunky at times, which is a natural issue to run into when there's a lot of information incorporated in a short amount of space.

For example:

He stood in the wet grass of the garden with his back to the house from where vehement shouts and growled threats came, often interrupted because a chair found it required to take flight.

The first part of the sentence is just awkward wording to me, and the latter didn't make sense, not only because I don't think Chanzer's looking through a window to be able to see a chair flying through the air, but because the order of the wording suggests to me that a chair is an animated object making making a decision or a "finding." It might be because this is, well, a sample, but it's okay to split up information like this into multiple sentences if you're struggling with wording. You do incorporate shorter, more concrete sentences later on in the sample, like here:

Despite the old timber it held up well. It was spacious enough to accommodate his Charizard but the boy would take no risk and kept his Pokémon inside their Poké balls. A rope ladder dangled near the trunk of the tree and vanished in the dense canopy above. Chanzer ascended the ladder, pushing a branch or two away as he passed the abandoned nests of bird Pokémon. Spearows were the most bothersome inhabitants, he could tell from the past, pecking at him or trying to drill through the boards for their own amusement. Charizard chased away more than one flock of those.

^ A good example of mixing complex and simple sentences, from your own writing, unedited.

The dialogue's pretty quirky, too, which is nice. None of it feels particularly flat. My only suggestion is to avoid contractions in dialogue. It's not really realistic, and it comes off just as awkward in writing as it would in real life. Unless your characters are meant to be formal, but that's not the impression I'm getting.
 
The first part of the sentence is just awkward wording to me, and the latter didn't make sense, not only because I don't think Chanzer's looking through a window to be able to see a chair flying through the air, but because the order of the wording suggests to me that a chair is an animated object making making a decision or a "finding." It might be because this is, well, a sample, but it's okay to split up information like this into multiple sentences if you're struggling with wording. You do incorporate shorter, more concrete sentences later on in the sample, like here:
Ouch, a confusing opening isn't good, even worse because I thought it was clear enough. The text "because a chair found it required to take flight" is an attempt at humour that only served to confuse further I see.

If I catch the correct meaning of the word clunky, that is partially what I was going for, sounding solid and heavy but not awkward or confusion.

Now that I read the text again I see some more snags that don't really match, most likely the result of me trying to keep hidden why Chanzer would not go for a marsh badge.

^ A good example of mixing complex and simple sentences, from your own writing, unedited.

The dialogue's pretty quirky, too, which is nice. None of it feels particularly flat. My only suggestion is to avoid contractions in dialogue. It's not really realistic, and it comes off just as awkward in writing as it would in real life. Unless your characters are meant to be formal, but that's not the impression I'm getting.
Dialogue is the hardest part for me, partly because of lacking experience and the understanding of how a fourteen/fifteen year old would speak[1]. I'm the first to admit it's anything but good and what I eventually came up with felt somewhat acceptable but mostly wanting. You see a meeting of three friends so any talk is very informal, or so it should be.

[1] = Chanzer, Hild and Jezine are around that age, as well as the main character and his allies.
 
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I plan on reworking the anime and what I have so far is that Ash, after having graduated from the Trainer School, goes to Oak's Lab. He already knows which Starter he wants, wanting to honor his father's memory, who also used the starter Ash will pick.

If you want, I'll sent a small portion of Chapter 1 (It's not quite done though).
 
@Greninjaman you might want to just post the part that you'd like some feedback on

Ok, I'll put it into a spoiler:

“The Kanto League Finals are about to begin! On this side, we have Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town!” The announcer shouted. The crowd cheered. As his opponent stepped into the ring, Ash heard a ringing sound.


Ash woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He sat up and looked at the calendar. Then he realized what day it is. “Oh yeah. The day has finally come: The day I can become a trainer.” He said. He got out of bed and dressed. Afterwards, he went downstairs, grabbing his hat as he went.


Downstairs, Ash encounters his mom, Delia Ketchum. “Are you ready to get your first Pokémon?” She asked. Ash nods. “I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I graduated from the Trainer School, two years ago.” He said. After eating breakfast, Ash leaves the house and sets off for Oak’s Lab.


Along the way, Ash thought about what he wanted to start with. “Bulbasaur, Squirtle or Charmander. Which one should I pick?” He thought. Then, he remembered something. “That’s right, dad had started with a Squirtle. It helped him become a champion. “I’ll honor his memory by taking Squirtle.” He thought. Smiling, Ash kept on walking onward to the lab.


At the lab, which is a large white 2-story building with a large field in the back where Prof. Oak does his research, Ash walked up to the door. “Here we go.” He said. He closed his eyes and envisioned himself as a Kanto Champion. He breathed in deeply and then exhaled. Opening his eyes, Ash entered the lab.

Also, The story will be split into "seasons" With each badge ending the season. Of course, there's the Team Rocket Arc and the Pokemon League Arc.
 
Ok. So I'll try and break this down as simply as possible:
  • The story is rather rushed. It's a common problem with journeyfics, especially when they're hitting the "stations of the plot" (i.e: all the standard plot points from whatever's being adapted, in this case waking up, eating breakfast, getting a pokémon, etc). You're whizzing past everything as fast as possible. Take your time. Paint a picture of the world for your readers.
  • Remember to highlight what makes your story interesting. So far you've got a very standard set of journeyfic prose going there - which is a shame, because it looks like you're trying to develop Ash without giving him facile Smart!Aura!Sexbomb! traits.
  • Make sure the basic spelling, grammar, and formatting ducks are in a row. It sounds picky, but people are almost always more likely to keep reading if the basics sparkle. So new lines for new speakers, and tenses consistent (Spelling looks fine though). So the third paragraph ought to look like this:
Downstairs, Ash encountered his mom, Delia Ketchum. “Are you ready to get your first Pokémon?” she asked.

Ash nodded. “I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I graduated from the Trainer School, two years ago,” he said. After eating breakfast, Ash left the house and set off for Oak’s Lab.
 
A Poké Wars crackfic where the war is completely virtual:

“And welcome to the greatest tournament in Hoenn where the best of the best will compete for glory! Welcome to the Evergrande Tournament!”

The bright tropical weather of Hoenn perfectly complemented the tense atmosphere of the stadium. Throngs of spectators filed into the stadium among a pumping high-octane hard rock track. But there was something a little different about this stadium. Instead of the classic lines that were the hallmark of a pokémon battle arena, there was simply a stage and two cubicles.

The announcer went up onto the stage and tapped on the microphone. “Today’s tournament will be Poké Wars. Please give it up for the Johto champion: the Sky Guardian, Ho-Oh!” Banners and flags waved in support of the Legendary.

Cheers arose as a shadow eclipsed the stadium as Ho-Oh performed a flyover, trailing a glittering rainbow trail. He then he landed in the center field in a plume of fire to screams of adoration and thunderous applause. The Legendary drank in the adulation of his fans and waved to the crowd.

The announcer then cleared his throat. “And the reigning champion, the Chosen One, Ash Ketchum!”

Ash, dressed in his Kanto League outfit (sized up to account for his growth spurts since then) of a black undershirt, white t-shirt and blue vest gracefully descended a staircase made of light. Despite today’s battle being completely virtual; Pikachu still rode on his shoulder.

Humans and Legendaries alike cheered for both the contestants.

The announcer then addressed the two. “Competitors, to your positions!”

Ash turned his Pokémon League cap backwards and strode towards his cubicle. Ho-Oh glowed a brilliant white and shrunk down to a more appropriate size as he too entered the cubicle. Within moments, massive screens at all sides of the stadium flared to life with the competitors’ information along with the regions they’d be playing on. The only thing missing was which faction they’d be choosing
 
So, I've been told to put a sample of the dialog in here, and this is what I'll do now. ^^ Of course, this is still a WIP, so there may be some tweaks about the characterization of the trio later.

The cream Pokémon didn’t notice anything out of place… aside from a big door of light that had appeared in the middle of the area.

“Huh?”

Slowly, the Pokémon got up and approached the new element, narrowing his eyes in an attempt to understand how that door had appeared and where it led. He was just about to pry it open, when…

“WAKE UP, KIDDO!”

Letting out a startled shout, Keldeo rolled away in shock and rapidly found himself sprawling onto some grass, flailing his legs in panic due to the sudden awakening. This reaction was quickly followed by a loud hearty laugh, and the pony began breathing heavily while trying to calm himself down.

“Terrakion, don’t do that!” said a feminine voice, sounding unamused.

“What? I only did ‘im a favor! Didn’t ya see how he was mumblin’ in his sleep, Virizion?” retorted a deeper and masculine voice.

Keldeo groaned in annoyance and rolled back on his belly. He shook his head, before looking at the origin of the two voices, seeing the sleek green Pokémon staring with narrowed eyes at the slightly shorter and bulkier brown one, who had a toothy grin on his face.

“Well, there are better ways of waking somebody up, mon comrade,” responded the female, still staring at her companion.

“Sheesh, calm down, will ya? He’s a tough kiddo. Besides, ya ne’er know when someone’s beside ya and ready to attack. That’s still training, ain’t it?”

“But…”

“Hey, Virizion. It’s alright, don’t worry,” interjected the younger Pokémon, staring at the two mentors. This got the attention of the duo, who quickly looked back at him.

“Ah! Ya’re finally awake, ya lil’ sleeper!” exclaimed Terrakion, still flashing a big grin. “Hopefully ya ain’t tryin’ to skip yer trainin’.”

“Not at all, no,” replied Keldeo, quickly standing up while shaking his head. “I’ve just had a very strange dream, that’s all.”

“A strange dream?” asked Virizion, looking intently at the youngster with a curious expression, which was mirrored by the Rock-type. “What kind of dream was that?”

“It’s… kinda hard to explain,” said the water pony, tilting his head. “I dunno where to start…”

“From dah beginnin’, of course!” replied Terrakion, earning a quick glare from Virizion. “What?”

“…Well, I suppose I could try to tell you…”

And so the water pony began talking about the glassy pillar, the burning painting, the shadowy creatures and the door of light. His mentors kept listening intently to the story, showing a range of expression going from marveled to shocked to intrigued.

“…And that’s when Terrakion woke me up,” concluded Keldeo, flicking slightly his tail. “So, whaddaya think about it?”

The two older Pokémon exchanged glances, before looking again at the young paladin.

“I’m… not really sure what to think of that, mon chéri,” started Virizion, tilting her head in puzzlement. “It truly is a bizarre dream.”

“Sounds cool, tho! ‘Most like one of dose myths!” exclaimed Terrakion.

“I’ve got the feeling that it means something… but I dunno what,” said Keldeo, shaking his head in confusion.

“Hmm… maybe you could consider talking about that dream with Cobalion,” suggested Virizion. “Perhaps he knows something about that kind of dream.”

The pony hummed softly. It didn’t sound like a bad idea. After all, Cobalion was very knowledgeable and wise, so he could have an explanation. “Yeah, maybe I should do that later…”

“Anyway, we’d better leave now. Cobalion is certainly waiting for us in front of the Stone of Oaths.”

“A’ight! Let’s get goin’, shall we?” exclaimed Terrakion, waving slightly his head to tell to the other two to follow him. As such, the group left the area which was their home, directed toward the borders of the forest.
 
@Cresselia92 Had a read through, looks pretty good to me. Characters are distinct. Gotta warn you though: here it's not yet a problem, but beware of using too many descriptors like "the water pony" in the future. Names and pronouns are usually just fine.
 
So, I've been told to put a sample of the dialog in here, and this is what I'll do now. ^^ Of course, this is still a WIP, so there may be some tweaks about the characterization of the trio later.

Really late on this, but! The dialogue is perfect - I'd be able to tell who was talking even without pronouns/names to tell me, really. Each voice is extremely nuanced.

My main suggestion would be to watch out for telling, not showing in narration.

And so the water pony began talking about the glassy pillar, the burning painting, the shadowy creatures and the door of light. His mentors kept listening intently to the story, showing a range of expression going from marveled to shocked to intrigued.

For example, you could describe the shock by saying the mentors gasp, or their marvel/intrigue by saying their eyes are wide (implying they're paying close attention and they're engaged). Body language is usually key for showing not telling, since body language is specific, while shock/marvel/intrigue are general emotion descriptors that could insinuate a lot of different things.
 
A Poké Wars crackfic where the war is completely virtual:

Also late but been busy... I know you said it's crackfic, but the idea of a Pokémon (in this case, Ho-Oh) being the champion itself is interesting! I assume Pokémon would have to have an immense amount of sentience on the level of humans, if not more, for that to happen, and the implications of that are endless. Also, the vocabulary in here is also pretty colorful (is that even a pun? idk, but intended 'cause Ho-Oh is best rainbow bird) and has a unique flair to it. Don't think I've seen any of Poké Wars around on Bulba, but would be cool to see more if you post! ^^
 
I published chapter three last night to meet my personal deadline but I still want to seek feedback on the following excerpt from it:

***

Salem scanned the yard in hopes of finding another pokémon like mienshao. One who was more human-like in form and behaviour and therefore likely to know plenty of pokésign. She found one in the shelter of a barn at the far end of the yard, signing stories to a small audience of attentive pokémon huddled together against the massive flank of Clayton the mudsdale.

The storyteller was a throh: a squat, stout, brick-red humanoid clothed in a white martial arts gi, something throh supposedly hand-crafted themselves. On his shoulder perched a chatot, a small and colourful bird, who alternately whistled accompanying tunes and voiced the narration in human words. The pronunciation was terrible, but Salem was awed. The throh grunted expressively as he signed, sometimes laughed at the reactions of his audience, and scratched illustrations in the dirt with his stubby fingers, his prodigious black brow furrowing with concentration. A couple of times he managed short human words, or approximations of them, but the chatot did most of the spoken work.

Salem joined the crowd a little way off, and listened. She was hearing the tail-end of a story about how humans learnt how to make ‘strong stone’ from a tribe of conkeldurr many, many years ago. They must have meant concrete! The throh’s signing was not as elegant as Mienshao’s, but it was more careful, more articulate: [Afterwards, humans began to use strong stone to build a city, and then there were many cities, and then there were many humans to live there, now because of this the forest became smaller, and the pokémon did not thrive the way humans thrived.]

The chatot chirped their rough translation, adding their own spin as the story continued. “What’s that? What’s that? Conkeldurr don’t like it, gonna tell ‘em off, naughty people, naughty people! People wanna have a cake and eat! Say, no no no! Don’t tell me what to do! Conkeldurr boss, he says, please be nice now! Gave you strong stone! People say, you conkeldurr boss, not the boss of me! Forgetting strong stone gift!”
 
Are you still interested in feedback for the above sample, @unrepentantAuthor? If you are, I'll edit this post with something.

In the meantime, this is technically from a published chapter, but it's never really been right and is in real need of polishing. For context, this is in the middle of an intense battle, and forms the end of the chapter. The tone is supposed to be tense, violent, and perhaps a bit chaotic. The very last tempo, where the Future Sight strikes, looks somewhat anaemic to me.



Backed into a corner. The crushing pressure on his ribs eased a little. He had no choice but to try and stall Heatmor out the hard way. “Fionn [A/N: a misdreavus]!” he called in Kalosian. “Future Sight! And don’t get caught.”

You can’t hit what you can’t see.

“What do you think,” Eve said.

“Patience,” he replied for want of a better idea.

“I hate reacting.”

“Elgyem, return,” Winters commanded. “Galvantula, take over.”

Fionn stared off into space for a few seconds, casting Future Sight – Winters invariably noticed, ordering Galvantula to strike her with Thunderbolt. It was a long shot, blowing a hole in the grass and leaving Fionn laughing ungraciously as she faded from sight.

“She can’t hide forever!” Lovelace yelled. “Start up your Solar Beam!”

Josh scanned the field intently, looking for anything, anything, that might give him an edge; Winters had her calculating look, possibly searching for Fionn’s hiding-place; Bailey [A/N: a forretress] cannoned past after Galvantula; the sweet cicely was still smouldering; Heatmor’s wrist vents started to glow with captured light.

“Spider Web: Forretress!” Winters snapped. From its refuge halfway up a tree Galvantula flung down a web, easily engulfing the bewildered Bailey.

Most trainers hate feeling hunted, I suppose. When backed into a corner they attack and attack, looking desperately for that one break.

One of the shadows beneath the trees elongated, developed a toothy grin, and became Fionn spiralling up towards Galvantula.

“There!” Lovelace yelled, pointing.

“Allez!”

Not me. The Solar Beam seared off into the trees, every leaf flaring emerald as the light blazed through it. “Aaaaah, sweet!” the cheerleaders chorused in assumption of a KO.

I live for the attack. Waiting to see what you do.

The grass rustled strangely, waving in a wind that should not exist. “It’s here,” he said.

“Bailey, get to centre field!” Eve ordered.

The next moment, psychic bedlam. Like turning on a lamp, suddenly there were jagged shafts of kaleidoscopic light stabbing down onto the field, flicking up little plumes of steam.

Grind you down, bit by bit. Heatmor was smacked thrice in the head in quick succession. Until there’s nothing left to do.

“Self-Destruct!”

But lose.
 
This is the first part of my latest fanfic, “Fusion”. In case you’re wondering why it’s in script mode, it’s because it’s easier for me to write that way.

Things haven’t been the same for one Dr. Namba since his genius plan to capture the legendary Pokémon, Lugia, failed. After several more unsuccessful attempts at theft, Giovanni calls Namba into his office for a little talk....

Giovanni: YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!
Namba: No! You can’t fire me! I’m one of Team Rocket’s top scientists! Give me one good reason why you should let me go!
Giovanni: Well, let’s see. First, there’s the fact that you haven’t contributed anything of substance to Team Rocket in over 10 years! Then, when I called you up for your assistance during the Super Mewtwo project, I only got a message saying you were “busy”! A load of bull, if you ask me!
Namba: But I WAS busy! Please don’t throw me out all alone onto the cold, empty streets!
Giovanni: Relax. You won’t be alone. Since they were your, ahem, helpers, on a few of your assignments, I’ve had no choice but to fire Butch and Cassidy, too. It’s quite a shame, really. They used to be my top agents. But then, one day, after I sent them to Sinnoh for a very important task, they suddenly stopped responding to me. I only re-established contact with them a couple of weeks ago, by which time they were in no condition to serve me any longer. If I were you, I’d go out there and join them.
Namba: But...
Giovanni: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!!
Yeah, I know. I use way too much exposition.
 
script mode

I like to read written fiction in full prose, with all the narration, description and dialogue tagging that the medium has to offer. Script may be easy, but it's easy because it doesn't have those things that I appreciate. Actual scripts contain scene directions that compensate for the loss of narration, but script-format dialogue without anything else is difficult for me to enjoy.
 
I like to read written fiction in full prose, with all the narration, description and dialogue tagging that the medium has to offer. Script may be easy, but it's easy because it doesn't have those things that I appreciate. Actual scripts contain scene directions that compensate for the loss of narration, but script-format dialogue without anything else is difficult for me to enjoy.
I totally understand your point. You see, I have a hard time being descriptive. I have autism, so it kind of limits my storytelling abilities. The way I write stories without a script format is awful: I keep using the same narrative devices and phrases over and over, and I’m not so good with my quotation marks, either. I hope you understand.
 
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