TEEN: Brownies, Hope, Despair, and Destruction

[toastghost]

Now, if you've seen any of my posts, you might know that I like Daganronpa and (obviously) Pokemon. So one day, I had the brilliant thought of, "What if I combined my two favorite game franchises into one?" And thus, BHDD (that's what I'll call it) was born.

Plot Summary:
After a Minior and Electrode crash land onto Mirage Island, Electrode tells the residents of the island that they are a specially selected group to participate in a game show called Poke-Party, and that the winner would win a giant "Ultra Brownie" with special earth-shattering powers. Little did they know, Poke-Party was a facade for another game show where you must complete nearly impossible tasks, choose who to trust, and kill one of the contestants and get away with it, just to survive and get the Ultra Brownie to get off the island.

Warning: Rated Teen.
For mild gore, mental illness, suicide and you probably guessed: Death.

Prologue
Space Race​

Up above, in the sky (as people would say but clearly this is space), a little star is born. You might think, “Aww, so precious!” you could never have been more wrong.
This star was born with an annoyed expression on its face. This was a really annoyed Minior. Why it’s so annoyed, we probably won't know. But this thing was a bomb about to explode, and it’s wrath would be unleashed upon the innocent Pokemon world. But then again, this story is filled with a bunch of terrible Pokemon, like that one- wait, no that would be a spoiler. You haven’t gotten there yet.
Anyway, this bomb of a Minior was headed to the peaceful Mirage Island. This island was home to a peaceful society of Pokemon with unusual talents. But, then again, I’m getting ahead of myself. About halfway toward Earth, a nearby Electrode (don’t ask why it’s there, that would be yet another spoiler) spotted the Minior barrelling to Earth, and zoomed toward the Minior and grabbed onto one of its five “arms”(I’m calling them arms and legs because I don’t like the word appendage and am currently boycotting the word).
“What the- why did you just do that?” Minior shouted to the Electrode. “Wait, I can talk? I don’t just say my name? This is great! Now I can finally tell people why I’m so angry! But I probably won’t because telling people about your feelings is lame and I’d rather have despair!”
“Oh, good, you’re finally awake! Welcome to the game show! I’m your host, Laser Tag! This is the start of a game I like to call-”
“Wait, what? A game show?”
“Oh! Where are the other contestants?”
“Contestants?”
“Yeah! For the new game show!”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh, never mind, I’ll tell you after we get the other contestants. But since you’re actually listening to me and it seems like you’re interested in what I have to say, unlike most people, you get a gold star!”
Laser Tag then put a yellow pin in the shape of a star onto Minior’s chest.
“Gee, thanks.” Minior said sarcastically. Minior was feeling quite pleased with himself because he found out how to use sarcasm which would be useful for him in the future.
“You’re welcome!” Laser Tag said enthusiastically, obviously not sensing the sarcasm. “If you’re wondering what those do, folks at home, they give you immunity and 10 bonus points, getting you closer to winning the prize of the amazing-”
“What are you talking about? There’s nobody here for miles! And even if we were, we’re in the vacuum of space, meaning that nobody could hear us anyway!”
“What do you mean? There’s always an audience listening!”
“Either you are a goofy paranoid freak, or you are an insane television host. And neither of those I want to be associated with. I don’t care about immunity, I’m throwing away this stupid pin!”
Minior unhooked the pin from his chest (yes I know Minior technically doesn’t have a gender, but they refer to themselves with male pronouns, so please let it slide.) and threw it into the void of space. Laser Tag watched with a happy smile on his face, but his expression would change in about 0.001 seconds. And there it goes.
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?” the Electrode shouted through sobs. “I SPENT ALL THIS TIME ARRANGING THIS WITH THE DEDENNES AND SO MUCH TIME ON PROPS AND STUFF LIKE THE PRIZE AND ESPECIALLY THAT GOLD STAR BUT YOU THROW IT AWAY!”
“Look, I’m sorry, I don’t have a desire to win any game. All I want is despair, and there’s no reason for it.”
“Oh! You could’ve just said so! This game can bring despair of all kinds! Depression, anxiety, fear, you name it! And it could even bring Hope, which is usually even worse than despair, especially what it does to the brain and the world in general.”
“Oh, really?! Count me in! I want to rage destruction across the whole world!”
“I don’t think across the whole world. We’re headed toward Mirage Island, which is in a time bubble, and really remote.”
“Eh, a giant island is fine.”
“Okay, we got one contestant, 24 more to go!”
“What is this game called anyway?”
“Oh, well I like to call it-”
CRASH!

 

[toastghost]

Chapter 1
An Encounter​

Mirage Island

About 5 seconds later

A young Drifloon was the first to wake up. She heard the giant crash and woke up to smoke and dust. Not a very good way to wake up.
After the smoke and dust cleared, there was an Electrode with a Ditto’s face (which you know as Laser Tag) and a very angry Minior in the clearing (which you know as Funfetti). In about half a second, everyone on the island woke up, except Tubs the Snorlax of course.
“Hello Mirage Island!” Laser Tag announced. “How are you today?!”
Nobody said anything and just stared with confused expressions on their faces.
“That’s great!” Laser Tag replied to nothing. “How many of you love destruction?” A Litwick and a Teddiursa raised their hands.
“Then you’ll love this game! Do any of you love thrills?”
About 5 pokemon raised their hands.
“You’ll love this game more! Do any of you love murder mysteries?”
9 pokemon raised their hands.
“Do any of you love brownies?”
Everyone raised their hands. Tubs woke up and raised his hand.
“You all will love this game! We just have to get ready! Remember, if you want to play, do not leave this island at ALL costs. Got it?”
“Wait, why aren’t we supposed to leave?” asked a Pumpkaboo.
“Because I said so. It will ruin the surprise!” A big flash of light emitted from Laser Tag and he was gone.
A Munchlax turned to Funfetti. “Why are you here?”
Funfetti became even angrier than before. “Why do I need a reason to validate myself? Why do you even care? It’s such a big deal that I’m here? Why don’t you leave instead of me?”
Funfetti stormed off.
“S-sorry…”

 

[Beth Pavell]

I'm not familiar with Daganronpa, so this review will have to focus mainly on technical accuracy and style. Which bring me to my first point - fanfiction usually uses double spaces between paragraphs for ease of reading. It's not a rule, but it is a pretty much universal convention that's worth following (Not least because it's really easy to implement). Everything I say here, by the way, is in the spirit of being helpful, and it's not meant to demoralise you or put you off.

You might think, “Aww, so precious!” you could never have been more wrong.

This should either be two separate sentences, or have some sort of conjunction word in there - as in 'but you could never have been more wrong'.

and it’s wrath

Its. It's, with an apostrophe, is always short for 'it is'.

(don’t ask why it’s there, that would be yet another spoiler)

I'm not sure whether this is supposed to be a running gag or author's notes here. If it's a running gag, then it runs a bit thin by this point. I wouldn't recommend repeating it, certainly.

(I’m calling them arms and legs because I don’t like the word appendage and am currently boycotting the word)

Related to the point above, about author's notes or comments in the middle of the story. In short, don't do it. The reason why is that is breaks the audience's immersion. It would be like playing a Pokémon game only for a scene to stop halfway through and a message from the developers pop up defending why the rival is a jerk. At best you'd probably ignore it and at worst it would get in the way.

(which you know as Funfetti)

I think you forgot to give the Minior that name in the Prologue

About 5 pokemon raised their hands.

Another convention to point out - usually in prose small numbers are written out in words. How small, well, usually anything less than three digits. It's not a rule and it's not wrong to use numerals, but it does looks more polished and clever to use words.