POPULAR: The Samples Thread

[Beth Pavell]

Bit on the long side for a sample, but I'll give it a whirl.

As to it being a bit of a drag ... well, yeah, it is. I don't really see the point in this rehash of the typical TRio encounter. You try to wink at the audience and acknowledge how tiresome the routine is, but I don't think it really does much to alleviate the problem. As I see it, there are two solutions:

1. Make the encounter as quick and abrupt as possible. No bags, no nets, no chase sequences, just a quick and brutal defeat. Because really, if Ash is now the champion, a stand-up fight would end this way.
2. Somehow try to give the scene a bigger point in the overall plot. I think this is probably going to be difficult, but it may help if I point out that the extract tells us one thing we wouldn't already know/assume from watching the anime: Ash doesn't like being recognised

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

Bit on the long side for a sample, but I'll give it a whirl.

As to it being a bit of a drag ... well, yeah, it is. I don't really see the point in this rehash of the typical TRio encounter. You try to wink at the audience and acknowledge how tiresome the routine is, but I don't think it really does much to alleviate the problem. As I see it, there are two solutions:

1. Make the encounter as quick and abrupt as possible. No bags, no nets, no chase sequences, just a quick and brutal defeat. Because really, if Ash is now the champion, a stand-up fight would end this way.
2. Somehow try to give the scene a bigger point in the overall plot. I think this is probably going to be difficult, but it may help if I point out that the extract tells us one thing we wouldn't already know/assume from watching the anime: Ash doesn't like being recognised

Alright, thank you very much! I knew that chapter wouldn't work...I'll try to re-work that chapter or incorporate the solutions you gave me to make it better. So, again, thank you!

 

[Fan of Jarrus]

A bit of my Star Wars Rebels fic, Inferno on the Darkest Night.

Spoiler

The explosion rocked the ship which almost knocked us out of our seats. I looked back as tears stung my eyes. My Master was gone. I did not want to believe it. When he burned to nothing I wanted to cry out. He could not make it to the ship. “Master…” I whispered, unsure of what to do now.

“Kanan…” I heard Hera sobbing beside me. She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori . I put my hand on hers, but she did not even glance at me. Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell. I gave her a comforting hug, anything to ease her pain.

The journey back was quiet. We were all too saddened to even say a word. When we returned, Zeb and Chopper were waiting for us. As I stepped out the ship, fresh tears fell down my face. Zeb asked me what was wrong. “Kanan’s gone.” I sobbed.

 

[Phosphene]

A bit of my Star Wars Rebels fic, Inferno on the Darkest Night.

Spoiler

The explosion rocked the ship which almost knocked us out of our seats. I looked back as tears stung my eyes. My Master was gone. I did not want to believe it. When he burned to nothing I wanted to cry out. He could not make it to the ship. “Master…” I whispered, unsure of what to do now.

“Kanan…” I heard Hera sobbing beside me. She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori . I put my hand on hers, but she did not even glance at me. Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell. I gave her a comforting hug, anything to ease her pain.

The journey back was quiet. We were all too saddened to even say a word. When we returned, Zeb and Chopper were waiting for us. As I stepped out the ship, fresh tears fell down my face. Zeb asked me what was wrong. “Kanan’s gone.” I sobbed.

The first thing that came to mind when reading this was that it feels rather stiff for a segment about characters grieving. I think this is because a lot of the sentences are really short, undescriptive, and don't really flow from one sentence to the next, which makes them feel like a list of bullet points. Fleshing out some of these sentences and/or joining some of them together would help in my opinion because it would give your prose more diversity and allow the reader more insight into the characters' mental states. I think it would be helpful to look at scene with characters grieving and look at how the author presents their grief, taking note of the things that you think work and don't work.

Other things I took note of:

• The first sentence about the ship could be cut entirely in my opinion and it would have no effect on the rest of the story. It doesn't add anything--if anything it reads a bit like a non-sequitur--and it isn't really connected to the rest of this piece. You could either remove it entirely or weave it into the rest of the story.
• Some sentences don't seem grammatically correct.
  • She continued saying his name as she held tightly on her Kalikori
    • I think on should be onto.
  • Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell.
    • I'm unsure if there's an error here, but it doesn't read right to me. Perhaps it just needs some rewording.

 

[Welkamo]

Soon Hera went silent as tears still fell.

• I'm unsure if there's an error here, but it doesn't read right to me. Perhaps it just needs some rewording.

I'd probably reword it as "Hera went silent, tears continuing to fall."

 

[Welkamo]

Also sorry for the double post but I noticed no one responded to @Fan of Jarrus 's excerpt from Galar's Darkest Hour (please correct me if I'm wrong about that), so I will.

I like your interpretation of Chairman Rose, and I'm guessing you're going with a "what if Leon died during Rose's whole Darkest Day thing", which is an interesting scenario.

Rose seemed to be acting a little too casual considering he just woke up Eternatus and left Leon to take care of it, though.

Victor’s mind was still filled with a storm of fear. “Hop, you go on.” He handed his friend some money for a Corviknight taxi. “I just need time alone.”

Each time a new person speaks, that dialogue gets a new paragraph. I probably worded that weirdly, so here's an example:

Victor’s mind was still filled with a storm of fear.
“Hop, you go on.” He handed his friend some money for a Corviknight taxi. “I just need time alone.”

Maybe he should had went with him, Victor thought.

"Had went" should be "have gone", unless these are Victor's exact thoughts word for word, in which the whole sentence should be "Maybe I should have gone with him, Victor thought.

The power plant’s air chilled Victor, he wanted to move fast.

When you separate two independent clauses with a comma, there needs to be a conjunction after the comma. Otherwise, replace the comma with a period.

The power plant’s air chilled Victor, but he wanted to move fast.

or

The power plant’s air chilled Victor. He wanted to move fast.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

Writing a short story for my little siblings, but I'm kind of stuck on the first chapter so I decided to go here for feedback.

Spoiler: Detective Lucario and the Hidden Village of Grass Types

Lucario sighed as he closed the empty mailbox for what felt like the hundredth time. He turned to his smaller partner and tossed him a miserable look. "Still no cases."

Pikachu, Lucario's detective partner, flicked his ear slightly and tried to reassure the aura pokemon. "We just have to be patient. And no cases technically is a good thing, since they usually mean there's a thief or something around..."

"I know that." Lucario argued. "But technically, us not getting any cases could also double as a bad thing. Something bad could be happening and we won't be able to do anything!" He then muttered under his breath. "And the actual police here are useless..."

"What, the Galarian Police Force?" Pikachu smiled slightly. "They can't be any worse than the Kantoneon one..."

Lucario gave Pikachu a dry look, communicating the fact that the police force in Kanto couldn't be possibly any worse than the one in Galar. "In Kanto, the police force consists of mostly growlithe and arcanine, whilst here in Galar..." He finished off with exasperation dripping from his tone. "...they have mostly flying types."

"That's not really bad." Pikachu argued, amused.

Lucario simply huffed. His partner, Pikachu, was years older than him, and had fared from the region of Kanto, from there which he had traveled all over the world before finally staying here in Galar to work with Lucario.

Pikachu had brought up his past travels throughout the regions on occasion, telling Lucario stories about the many different cultures from Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, Kalos, and Alola. Though, for some inexplicable reason, the electric mouse would avoid discussing his travels in Johto, as well as his travels from his home region of Kanto.

Lucario had never pressed for answers, but he had always found it strange.

"We could patrol the area." Pikachu suggested, snapping Lucario out of his thoughts. "See if there's any trouble to look out for."

Lucario paused, considering, before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, let's do that. Maybe we could go near the outskirts of Motostoke and check for any suspicious activity?"

"Agreed." Pikachu replied.

And so, the detective duo set off.

***

"Hey, Swellow!" Lucario called out, waving to the Hoenn-native, who was perched on a tree, overlooking the outskirts of Motostoke with a watchful eye. Pikachu had introduced Swellow to Lucario shortly after the duo's first case, involving a Paras and his missing mate. Swellow was one of Pikachu's friends from the Hoenn region, and helped the duo find the Paras's missing mate. After an hour of searching, Swellow had come back to the detectives saying that the Paras had been cheated on with another pokemon, also looking as if she had seen certain things no sane mon should see.

Surprisingly, Swellow had helped the detectives with more cases after that, despite the whole...cheating incident.

Swellow looked down to see Pikachu and Lucario approaching and brightened. "Hey, Lucario! Hey, Pikachu! How've you two been?"

"Hi, Swellow." Pikachu smiled. "We've been doing pretty good actually-"

"If it weren't for the fact that we're bored out of our minds." Lucario interrupted dryly, then sighed. "This sucks..."

Swellow looked confused for a second, so Pikachu elaborated. "We have no cases, and haven't gotten any for the past two weeks. We decided earlier to head over here to check for any suspicious activity, but it looks like you've got that covered..."

Swellow still looked confused, and cocked her head to the side. "Really? Well, I could've sworn you should've gotten a case this morning..."

Lucario snapped to attention. "What do you mean by that?!"

Swellow blinked, taken aback slightly, and adjusted her position on her tree perch. "Earlier. This bayleef was just walking around completely oblivious to her surroundings. She attracted a lot of attention, too. Which makes sense, considering that bayleef come from Johto, and its pretty rare to see one here..." Swellow shook her head, and continued. "Anyway, she eventually attracted the wrong kind of attention, leading to a group of forest-natives to attack her...nasty bunch, the lot...so I swooped in to save her, scared the pokemon away, and asked her what she was doing here in Galar...especially down in these parts...and you know what she replied?"

Lucario leaned in, thoroughly intrigued. He could tell that Pikachu was as well, though the mouse feigned disinterest. "What?"

"She said that she lived here."

Pikachu blinked, and narrowed his eyes. "That doesn't seem right..."

"I know, right? That's what I told her. And she said that she couldn't tell me everything, but she wanted to find a certain detective duo." Here, Swellow gave them a sly smirk. "She mentioned a Detective Lucario, I believe."

Lucario blinked and slowly turned to Pikachu, then back at Swellow. "She was looking for us?"

"Yup." Swellow nodded. "I told her that I knew you two personally, and that I could help her find you two, since she looked pretty lost..."

"And then...?"

Swellow gave an exasperated look and continued. "And then this stupid electrike came running by being chased by three galvantula." Pikachu and Lucario tossed the Hoenneon a sympathetic look. "That idiot walked into their nest, so I had to go and clear that up. So I just pointed her to the direction of where your detective agency was, and she set off. Strange, I would've expected her to find you guys already..."

Lucario let out a groan. "She probably did find us, we just weren't there because we left early!" He turned to Pikachu frantically. "Pikachu, we have to go back!"

Pikachu held up a paw sheepishly. "Lucario, calm down. She's probably just waiting there-"

"Let's go!" Lucario interrupted and grabbed Pikachu and held him in his arms, causing the smaller pokemon to let out a small shriek.

"Lucario! How many times do I have to tell you not to grab me like-"

"Swellow, do you think you can come with us?" Lucario interrupted again, causing the mouse to slump in disappointment. The bird gave a small nod in reply, causing Lucario to smile. "Great. Let's go, team!"

Swellow exchanged a look with Pikachu. "Uh, okay..."

They thankfully managed to catch up with the bayleef Swellow had pointed out, who had conveniently been exiting their detective agency with a look of pure disappointment on her face.

"Hey, you!" Lucario called out, catching the bayleef's attention, who looked around in confusion, wondering who could have been calling out to her-if it was her at all, though it was more than likely, considering she was the only pokemon around.

She couldn't help but keep a befuddled look plastered on her face as a lucario, with a pikachu in his arms, followed by the kind swellow she had met earlier ran up to her gasping and panting-excluding both the pikachu and swellow; one of which who could fly, while the other was in the arms of the lucario for one reason or another. "Yes?"

Lucario held up a paw, motioning for her to wait for him to catch his breath. When he had done so, he stood up straight, and at the spiteful mutterings of the pikachu, he set the electric mouse down on the floor before turning to the bayleef. "My apologies, Miss. I believe you were looking for a Detective Lucario?"

Bayleef nodded slowly. "Wait, you're..."

Lucario smiled. "That's right, Miss. I'm Detective Lucario. And this is my partner, Detective Pikachu." He pointed over to Pikachu, who muttered under his breath in correction to Lucario's statement.

"More like Supervisor Pikachu..."

Swellow smirked at the statement as Lucario introduced her as well. "And this is Swellow, who I believe you met earlier this morning? She's our closest friend and associate, as she has taken part in numerous of our most successful investigations in the past before." He paused, not sure what else to add, before continuing. "You have a problem you'd like to speak to us about?"

"I do." The grass type replied. "But, I would much rather us do it inside." She motioned to the agency they stood outside of. "The forest has eyes and ears everywhere, after all." At this, her gaze darkened, causing Swellow, Pikachu, and Lucario to frown. "And this is something I only want you to hear; no one else."

Lucario nodded. "Of course. Come this way, please." He motioned towards the door, and held it open for Bayleef to walk in, followed by Swellow, and Pikachu. "Pikachu?" Lucario pressed.

The electric type shook his head, shrugging Lucario's concern off. "Oh, sorry. Just thinking about something..." He laughed and walked past Lucario swiftly, leaving the fighting type completely befuddled.

 

[Welkamo]

I like it so far. Lucario and Pikachu have a great dynamic, and it appears there's some interesting backstory here. There was plenty of great foreshadowing for things that could be explored later on, like the Bayleef (who I'm guessing is part of the Hidden Village of Grass Types mentioned in the title, or at least somehow connected to it) or Pikachu's dark past.

There were a few grammatical/spelling errors. For example, I believe that the adjectival form of "Kanto" is "Kantonian".

You said you were stuck on the first chapter. Are you specifically stuck on where to go from this chapter? Does something about this chapter not feel right?

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

Really need to stick with a story, but I finally found one that I'm going to (hopefully) dedicate myself to. Mainly a pokemon focused one with some anime tie-ins.

Spoiler: Mindscapes(Title a Work in Progress)

Her eyes snapped wide open. Breathing heavily, she tried to move her head to see where she was. All she could see was the white-glaringly white-ceiling and white walls. Where was she? What was she doing here? Why was she in the middle of this empty room painted so white her eyes were burning? Why was she strapped to what felt like a table in the middle of it?

...who even was she?

She paused to gather her bearings. She knew she was a riolu, a pokemon. She knew she was a 'she'. She knew she could use something called “Aura”.

She didn't know anything else.

'Okay,' she thought. 'Time to figure out a way out of here. Wherever 'here' is.'

Though she didn't have any memories aside from her basic biology, apparently, the mere fact that she was strapped to a table was a bad sign. The fact that right at that moment she heard a door open and footsteps nearing was even more of a bad sign.

She craned her neck to try and find the direction in which she heard the door opening from, but was stopped by a strong, calloused hand snatched the side of her face and pulling it forward.

Her first instinct was so glare harshly at her captor and struggle, “let me go!”

The man-a human, right-had the gall to smirk at her. With a buzz cut and clean shaven face, he looked absolutely spotless. He also looked like a punching bag. “Aw...does the little riolu want to go home?” He paused, then, “oh, right...you have no idea where your home is, now do you?”

He actually moved back a little at her retaliation. “Who the hell are you? Why do you have me captive? What do you want from me?”

The man let go of her face roughly and backed away, the smirk never falling. He began to pace back and forth, leaving her to stare back at the ceiling, her ears perked carefully for a change in the man's footsteps.

They stopped. Then, “oh, how I wish Troy were here...” She frowned at the odd statement, but the man continued, laughing to himself. Actually, she wondered if the man were actually speaking to himself the entire time. “Well, there's no point in talking to the riolu...best get on with it, then.”

'Well, that confirms it then,' she thought. 'He was talking to himself. Weirdo.'

It took her a moment to be alarmed at the fact that he was approaching her, with a strange cube like device in his hand. She eyes it warily as he pressed a button on the cube and set it down right next to her before enlarging into a cage, trapping her inside.

The man unbuckled the straps tying her against the table, allowing her to move freely, though the term was to be used lightly considering the tight cage containing her.

She growled at the man as he leaned over to pick her cage up, humming merrily to himself as if he hadn't just imprisoned her from one restraint to another. “Jerk,” she growled. “I wish you could understand me so I could give you a piece of my mind...”

Funny how, as the sentence stumbled out of her mouth, she realized something: she was a pokemon, and the man was a human. He couldn't understand her, no matter how much she yelled.

Even so, that didn't stop her from screaming profanities at the man as he took her out of the white room to even brighter colored hallways, filled to the brim with people in lab coats. The people kept shooting nervous glances at the man as he passed by them with her in his grasp, a few even asking if it was okay for her to be taken out so soon.

She had no idea what that meant, but it didn't stop her from shouting at them to back off anyway.

Also, @more than a torchic sorry I didn't reply to your comments for my previous sample here...as for being stuck on the first chapter for Detective Lucario, it was more so as in that I was worried I was putting in too much exposition or falling into a "tell, not show" narrative rather than the other way around. Especially since Bayleef was going to explain why she needed the Detective's help anyway. Thinking back on it, I don't think that was too much of a worry, but just to be sure...thank you for the kind comments by the way! I'm glad you liked Pikachu and Lucario's dynamic: that was my favorite part to write!

 

[Welkamo]

Also, @more than a torchic sorry I didn't reply to your comments for my previous sample here...as for being stuck on the first chapter for Detective Lucario, it was more so as in that I was worried I was putting in too much exposition or falling into a "tell, not show" narrative rather than the other way around. Especially since Bayleef was going to explain why she needed the Detective's help anyway. Thinking back on it, I don't think that was too much of a worry, but just to be sure...thank you for the kind comments by the way! I'm glad you liked Pikachu and Lucario's dynamic: that was my favorite part to write!

Anytime! I didn't think there was too much exposition at all. It all seemed good to me.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

Anytime! I didn't think there was too much exposition at all. It all seemed good to me.

Thank you!

And if it isn't too much trouble...could you give my other sample a whirl too?

 

[Welkamo]

Thank you!

And if it isn't too much trouble...could you give my other sample a whirl too?

Sure thing!

It's a pretty interesting premise so far. There's enough information at the start to let me know what's sort of going on while keeping enough information a secret at first to keep me engaged. You said there was anime tie ins in this story. My immediate theory was that the tie-ins are related to Riolu's captors, maybe Pokémon poachers a la Hunter J, but I could be wrong.

It sounds good so far. If this is the story you wanna stick to, then it's a good one to stick to, and I say go for it.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

This is a preview of the second chapter of my most recent(and current) work, Unknown: Escape. I'm putting a lot of work into this story, as it's the one I'm actually planning ahead on. I've gotten feedback from my first chapter, which actually helped re-write and re-consider some future plot-points, so any extensive feedback I get would be really amazing.

Spoiler

As soon as her battle against Riolu had ended with the latter being carted away, Audino was shoved back in her cage right next to Espeon's before the “Cipher grunts”-as the pokemon liked to call them-locked up the Battle Arena and left the pokemon alone for the night.

Which left them open to conversation. In hushed whispers, some of the pokemon bickered back and forth, the most recent subject of their conversation being the riolu who had fought Audino moments prior.

“Did you see that?” a weavile said, growling. “That riolu is definitely not normal.”

“Are any of us normal?” a kecleon muttered, but was ignored.

“Cipher must have captured her for something specific, if she is not being held with the rest of us.” Espeon reasoned. “They're very clearly planning something.”

“Planning what?” a mudkip asked, her voice wavering as she spoke. “Do you think they'll turn her into a...”

“Shadow Pokemon?” a smooth and deep voice spoke. Everyone turned towards the luxray in the corner grooming his paw. His eyes twinkled as he spoke, “now wouldn't that be fun to see?”

Audino shuddered, keeping away from the conversation. She was reluctant to speak before and now that Luxray had joined the conversation, those feelings had magnified.

Unfortunately, Luxray seemed to have other ideas.

“Now, what about you, sweetheart?” His yellow eyes burned a hole into Audino's head, though she desperately tried to ignore him. “You battled that riolu personally. What do you think?”

She winced. “Think about what, Luxray? There's nothing to think. We don't even know if we're going to see her again.”

“She's right about that.” Espeon said. “And anyway, you know what they say: 'curiosity killed the human'.”

Weavile snorted. “Yeah, sunshine? You're not fooling anybody. We all know you're the most curious about that riolu.” He grinned as a few pokemon began whispering. “Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised if you've already started to pick your nose in already-”

“I most certainly have not!” Espeon said, already having known what the dark type was speaking of. The surrounding pokemon snickered. “And would you lot be quiet?” He snapped.

“Espeon,” a typhlosion said sternly, but softly. “You need to quiet down yourself, first.”

The chatter around the room instantly quieted upon hearing the fire type's voice. Espeon's ears lowered as he looked down in embarrassment. “My apologies...” he said.

The conversations started to die after that, as many pokemon decided to turn in for the night, albeit reluctantly. The night was the only time any of them were able to take a breather, after all. However, conversation between two pokemon specifically were still going strong.

“My, that was embarrassing...” Espeon said.

Audino shot the psychic type a wistful smile as she quietly spoke, “it's quite alright, Espeon. And you know Typhlosion. She's ready to command a battalion, but just as ready to settle the rattled troopers.”

Espeon shot her a funny look. “You...do you even understand what you're saying?”

“No,” she replied with a playful grin. “Why? Should I?”

“Honestly, Audino...” he said as he shook his head with disbelief.

I took this chapter to hear because some part of me was worried that this chapter might not be necessary or even needed in the overall story-despite it being used to establish certain things, like characters and their roles/personalities. Basically, does it do that well enough so far to keep? Because the entire chapter is very dialogue-heavy; while not exposition wise, it is mainly conversation and I'm not sure if that's good enough to include. Thoughts and feedback would be really appreciated!

 

[Daren]

This is a preview of the second chapter of my most recent(and current) work, Unknown: Escape. I'm putting a lot of work into this story, as it's the one I'm actually planning ahead on. I've gotten feedback from my first chapter, which actually helped re-write and re-consider some future plot-points, so any extensive feedback I get would be really amazing.

[Spoiler tag snipped]

I took this chapter to hear because some part of me was worried that this chapter might not be necessary or even needed in the overall story-despite it being used to establish certain things, like characters and their roles/personalities. Basically, does it do that well enough so far to keep? Because the entire chapter is very dialogue-heavy; while not exposition wise, it is mainly conversation and I'm not sure if that's good enough to include. Thoughts and feedback would be really appreciated!

I don't see any reason not to keep this scene. It gives a lot of information while introduces characters and does so without being unnecessarily long. Even if it is not 100% required it adds to the story by building mood and showing the captive Pokémon's personalities, while dropping some clear foreshadowing; all good things.

One editing note:

“Actually, I wouldn't be too surprised if you've already started to pick your nose in already-”

I feel like this should be "stick" instead of "pick".

 

[Welkamo]

I'm working on Chapter Four of PHAV, and I want to know if a certain exchange of dialogue is working.

Rated T for swearing and plotted kidnapping/potential assassination. Also a character threatening to kill two other characters

Spoiler: Spoilers for Pokémon: Heroes and Villains.

As Brendan ran back to Norman, a green car stopped next to the sidewalk. Three people watched Brendan and Norman from inside.

“Is that a suspect?” Maxie asked.

“Who?” Archie asked. “The kid or the dad?”

“Obviously neither,” Archer hissed from the driver’s seat. “There’s no way either one of those two is a college student.”

“And there’s no way anyone’s going to believe we’re college students,” Maxie retorted.

“Watch An Extremely Goofy Movie, you 'failed elementary school science class' son of a bitch.”

“At least my personality isn't centered around our boss.”

“I am your superior. Insult me or our great and faithful leader Giovanni again, and they will never find your body.”

Maxie didn’t respond. Archer smiled and handed the two a thick book.

“I went through the El Angel census and wrote down the names of all 200,016 residents of El Angel. Eliminate unlikely suspects through process of elimination. Once you find whichever two people had the nerve to see Mewtwo, you will either drag them back to us or, if it becomes necessary, eliminate them through process of assassination.”

“But that’s illegal!” Archie said.

“Killing you two would also be a crime, but would you rather be a living criminal or dead?”

Archie didn't respond. Instead, he flipped through the book.

“How old are these people?”

“Charon said they looked to be in their late teens to early thirties.”

“Great. We can cross out the babies and the elderly.”

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

You know what, as long as I finish this one story, I don't care that I keep starting new ones that seemingly go nowhere. So, here's another one that hopefully won't enter the garbage disposal this time:

Spoiler: The Trials of Mysteria(working title)

For as long as Esther had known, she was absolutely terrible at playing hide and seek. She was never really that good at anything, in fact. She couldn't even take pride in her rarest accomplishments, for they were so pitiful and mundane that it made her other “achievements” look worse by default.

Grandfather had told her not to dwell on it very much. That someday, she would find what she was good at, and excel at it. That someday, maybe, she could take pride in a skill that no other child in Hearthome Village could boast. She wanted that “special skill” now, like other kids seemed to have.

“Don't compare yourself to others, Esther.” The buneary in question watched intently as the elder umbreon led the way through the forest. The sky was orange, reflecting in the dark type's weary eyes as a frustrated six year old hopped after him. “You'll get nothing out of it.”

“But then how will I prove Gil Carveman wrong?” Esther replied. “He made fun of me cause I couldn't fly.”

Grandfather chuckled. “My dear, you can't fly. Tell that Gil Carveman to focus on his own skills before questioning the abilities of others.”

“But why can't I fly? If I could fly, then maybe I wouldn't be stuck with unimpressive accomplishments anymore...”

“Because you need to be born that way, that's why you can't fly. And if you want to talk about unimpressive accomplishments, then you should consider how Little Mister Carveman here boasts about being able to do something every member of the gligar species can do: flying.”

Esther considered that for a moment. “So, do you think it would be impressive if I learned something my species wouldn't be able to do?”

“Esther, my dear, you're missing the point...Carveman boasts about a skill that doesn't only belong to him and you want that skill because you feel you don't have anything to match up to it, is that it?” Esther nodded, so the elder pokemon took that as a sign to continue his lecture. “But you should be proud of your own skills, one that isn't brought on by biology or innate advantages given by birth. This is why I'm telling you to be patient. You'll find what you're good at, soon enough.”

Esther told her grandfather that she would take his advice and not compare herself to other pokemon, or let her lack of talent get the better of her. A few months passed, until the warm months of the year arrived, and the now seven year old fell back into her old habits again.

And because @more than a torchic is so wonderful and patient with my inability to stick to one thing(I am, I am, I definitely am this time, I swear I'm sticking to this one story I already posted three chapters on..!!!) I'm going to review her sample, even though I haven't really had the chance to read her story, but I gotta say, I'm hooked now.

“Is that a suspect?” Maxie asked.

“Who?” Archie asked. “The kid or the dad?”

Maybe try and flow this a little better from saying three people watched Brendan and Norman from inside the green car. Perhaps you could start the conversation from inside the green car then imply that Brandan and Norman are the ones they are watching. Another thing to note is to try and use different dialogue tags on occasion in order to not sound too repetitive(for instance, these two sentences are pretty short, so using a different variation of "asked" in this situation wouldn't have interfered with the flow in any way).

“And there’s no way anyone’s going to believe we’re college students,” Maxie retorted.

“Watch An Extremely Goofy Movie, you 'failed elementary school science class' son of a bitch.”

“At least my personality isn't centered around our boss.”

“I am your superior. Insult me or our great and faithful leader Giovanni again, and they will never find your body.”

I like this bit. I think it gives some really nice insight to the character's personalities, especially Maxie's. Though, it's a bit unclear that Archie is the one speaking here until a couple lines later when Archer hands the two a book. Just a small thing to fix.

“Great. We can cross out the babies and the elderly.”

Not really criticism of any kind, but this line is just pure gold.

In summary, the only thing here is to work on the flow of the dialogue, to make it easier to follow without over-simplifying dialogue tags. Other than that, I think the dialogue itself was good, and I especially liked the characterizations of each character.

 

[Welkamo]

@AnimeJewel246 Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll be sure to work on those things, am I'm glad you liked it! (I'm proud of the last line, so I'm especially glad you enjoyed it).

And I'll read your sample to return the favor

For as long as Esther had known, she was absolutely terrible at playing hide and seek. She was never really that good at anything, in fact. She couldn't even take pride in her rarest accomplishments, for they were so pitiful and mundane that it made her other “achievements” look worse by default.

I like the characterization of Esther, and I can tell that her insecurities will be an important theme in the book.
One thing I will point out is that the transition from "she was absolutely terrible and playing hide and seek" to "She was never really good at anything, in fact" seemed a little jarring on the first read. My advice would be the put the "in fact" before the rest of a sentence (with a comma after "fact", of course). Also, hide and seek wasn't mentioned for the rest of the sample, so I can only assume that it's gonna come up in the parts after.

Another thing I liked was Esther's relationship with her grandfather. I like supportive mentor figures.

“Esther, my dear, you're missing the point...Carveman boasts about a skill that doesn't only belong to him and you want that skill because you feel you don't have anything to match up to it, is that it?” Esther nodded, so the elder pokemon took that as a sign to continue his lecture. “But you should be proud of your own skills, one that isn't brought on by biology or innate advantages given by birth. This is why I'm telling you to be patient. You'll find what you're good at, soon enough.”

I would suggest putting a paragraph break at "Esther nodded". I think it's grammatically correct in its current form, but it might help the flow of the story to put a beat there.

Also, I think, in Poké terms, the correct formatting/spelling/grammar? would be "Pokémon".

I think this looks good so far, and I wouldn't worry about having more than one story at once! As long as you don't have too many things on your plate, it's totally okay!

 

[OrionTheAbsol]

It's been a slow burn, but I got something new for my current chapter. I'm partially concerned about how intelligent Pokémon can adapt to old human technology with mixed results.

In the city square, a bronze bell tolled from the top of a clock tower. Hesh looked on in awe, marveling at the elaborate stone structure that seemed to rise higher than other buildings in the area—even higher than the aqueducts, but only humbled by the outlying redwood trees. Much like the city hall, the clock tower possessed a more grandiose quality compared to the shops and the residencies.

A potpourri of various Pokémon clamored around the booths and shops bordering the area. Perched around the more open areas were several garden beds bordered by simple stone benches. Near a lofty fountain, a trio of grass Pokémon danced gracefully, entertaining the passersby. And sitting in the middle of the city square was a single bronze statue.

Alongside his companions, Orion studied the statue. It depicted a bird Pokémon with an upraised wing, seemingly being its battle stance. Its head was enshrouded by what appeared to be foliage, covering a part of its determined visage.

“Lady Setsuna,” said Chloë. “The founder. She came here over a hundred years ago and established a small village in the mountains. Since then, the village grew into a city.”

“She looked so cool,” commented Hesh, as he eyed the noticeable sharp-looking feathers jutting out of the interior of her wing. “What was she?”

“A Decidueye. She was a renowned sniper who protected the village from enemies who threatened to pillage it. But one day, one of the invaders took her life. But the villagers didn’t back down and continued to fight in her honor. Since then, Emerald Valley continued to prosper as one of the largest cities in Hevalkin.”

“Damn. Did she ever have a family of her own?”

“Unfortunately, no. She never truly settled down with anyone, as she spent her time building and protecting the village. But many Peacekeepers in Emerald Valley aspired to be like her: formidable and courageous.”

Hesh grinned with a look of admiration. “Yeah. That’s what I wanna be too.”

Emerald Valley is a city that is meant to be a cornerstone of societal growth for the "Civilized" Pokémon and it took them over a hundred years to reach this point. By utilizing whatever they can reasonably learn to build, they can construct large and more complex structures. There is also limited usage of electricity, but mostly used for lighting during nighttime.

 

[Jewel the Quaxly]

It's been a slow burn, but I got something new for my current chapter. I'm partially concerned about how intelligent Pokémon can adapt to old human technology with mixed results.



Emerald Valley is a city that is meant to be a cornerstone of societal growth for the "Civilized" Pokémon and it took them over a hundred years to reach this point. By utilizing whatever they can reasonably learn to build, they can construct large and more complex structures. There is also limited usage of electricity, but mostly used for lighting during nighttime.

Yeah, I think the way the pokemon adapt to old human technology is actually believable here. Maybe it having to take one hundred years is a bit of a stretch, but it would depend on your time period and how intelligent the pokemon are in contrast to humans.

And I think utilizing Decidueye's theme as an archer and adapting it as a sniper is pretty clever too. But that runs the issue of whether or not there are guns in this old human like society. (Unless guns are already a staple in your story and I'm wrong)

Other than that, I can clearly see the world that you built for the pokemon.

 

[OrionTheAbsol]

Yeah, I think the way the pokemon adapt to old human technology is actually believable here. Maybe it having to take one hundred years is a bit of a stretch, but it would depend on your time period and how intelligent the pokemon are in contrast to humans.

For more context, mankind was wiped out by a pandemic at the time. To preserve their legacy, a group of Pokémon was chosen to be infused with the experiences and memories of the humans, as well as granted an extended life. The Decidueye named Setsuna was one of these Pokémon. These particular Pokémon would share knowledge with the wild Pokémon, allowing them to construct towns and cities similar to the one I described. However, they would keep the part about their humanity a secret.

But because of certain limitations (wings, claws and lack of fingers/thumbs, lack of technical knowledge), there was only so much they could preserve. Machinery was limited and even outclassed by the laboring Pokémon. For Pokémon with low stamina or are unable to move at high speeds, carriages and flying taxis became popular methods of mass transportation.

Part of the struggle was not just starting up these towns, but also reaching out to and being able to cooperate with the wild Pokémon. While this attempt to reach out to them had some success, there were other wild Pokémon who resisted and preferred to live their old ways of life, whether it's through packs or solitary lives (thus gaining the nickname "Uncivilized").

The "Civilized" Pokémon can run their own cities, complete with bodies of government, an economy and housing. That's the extent of their intelligence. But they're not at the level where they can build factories, machinery, computers and electronics. As far as electricity goes, their best application is lighting.

And I think utilizing Decidueye's theme as an archer and adapting it as a sniper is pretty clever too. But that runs the issue of whether or not there are guns in this old human like society. (Unless guns are already a staple in your story and I'm wrong)

Other than that, I can clearly see the world that you built for the pokemon.

By sniper, I don't necessarily mean a gunman. I mean anyone who can attack from far away and make their mark. In this case, a Decidueye would use its easily detachable quills that it can shoot like an arrow.

Like with machines, guns have fallen into disuse, especially when they were made for humans in mind. It'd be difficult for most Pokémon to wield conventional guns, especially the ones with kickback during use. And also, being able to repair/maintain guns and getting the ammunition. The Pokémon already possess their own abilities, so guns are more trouble than they're worth.