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The Bone Zone

Ryker101 said:
Wow your ex seems crazy. Like damn, what’s with her? If you don’t mind me asking, how did things even get that bad? My apologies if this is a dumb or uncomfortable question

Also fingers crossed your dog pulls through
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Long story short, my mental health was severely declining in the latter half of last year, so much so that my therapist was recommending I go to a partial hospitalization program. Part of those mental health problems were conflicting feelings about the relationship, primarily because she required my emotional support constantly and I wasn’t sure my feelings were where they needed to be. When I told her I needed to go to the institution and that I needed a break from the relationship, she did not take it well at all. Literally the first thing she said was that she was jealous and she’s needed an institution for years. She was far more concerned with if she’d have a boyfriend at the end of the month than she was with whether or not I was okay. I also didn’t go to the institution immediately after I told her that because I was too paralyzed and anxious to do the paperwork and made the final decision, which she got VERY angry about. But I went and didn’t talk to her for the first three weeks of it, and in that time it became obvious what I had to do. So I went to her apartment and broke up with her in person, which went very poorly at first, but eventually she calmed down and we actually had a nice conversation. We agreed to keep the door open to being in each other’s lives however it made sense, and that I could take as much space as I needed. She started to violate that almost immediately. She was texting me constantly, growing increasingly aggressive and demanding of responses, to the point where I finally had to tell her to not contact me for three months. She called me over and over again until I picked up, and she said so many things to me that were completely over the line. I got pretty angry and said a couple things I’m not proud of, but it really was the lesser evil. She agreed to the three months, and I blocked her on everything. But not even a month later, she sent a scathing voice memo via her friend where she told me never to contact her again, and I responded through that friend relatively reasonably and said I was sorry for what I did wrong. And then just the other day, she violated my boundary again, because I guess she was the one who blocked me on twitter, so she unblocked me and hit me with a bunch of inflammatorily worded questions demanding an explanation for some of my actions. I gave her that, and told her some of the things she did wrong, and still fucking apologizing, but it wasn’t enough. She got really nasty, she was clearly just trying to hurt me and make me just as miserable as she was, so I blocked her.

That ended up not really being a long story short, and that’s still a somewhat condensed version, but there you go. That’s how shit hit the fan, and then hit several other fans repeatedly.
 
CuboneKing said:
Long story short, my mental health was severely declining in the latter half of last year, so much so that my therapist was recommending I go to a partial hospitalization program. Part of those mental health problems were conflicting feelings about the relationship, primarily because she required my emotional support constantly and I wasn’t sure my feelings were where they needed to be. When I told her I needed to go to the institution and that I needed a break from the relationship, she did not take it well at all. Literally the first thing she said was that she was jealous and she’s needed an institution for years. She was far more concerned with if she’d have a boyfriend at the end of the month than she was with whether or not I was okay. I also didn’t go to the institution immediately after I told her that because I was too paralyzed and anxious to do the paperwork and made the final decision, which she got VERY angry about. But I went and didn’t talk to her for the first three weeks of it, and in that time it became obvious what I had to do. So I went to her apartment and broke up with her in person, which went very poorly at first, but eventually she calmed down and we actually had a nice conversation. We agreed to keep the door open to being in each other’s lives however it made sense, and that I could take as much space as I needed. She started to violate that almost immediately. She was texting me constantly, growing increasingly aggressive and demanding of responses, to the point where I finally had to tell her to not contact me for three months. She called me over and over again until I picked up, and she said so many things to me that were completely over the line. I got pretty angry and said a couple things I’m not proud of, but it really was the lesser evil. She agreed to the three months, and I blocked her on everything. But not even a month later, she sent a scathing voice memo via her friend where she told me never to contact her again, and I responded through that friend relatively reasonably and said I was sorry for what I did wrong. And then just the other day, she violated my boundary again, because I guess she was the one who blocked me on twitter, so she unblocked me and hit me with a bunch of inflammatorily worded questions demanding an explanation for some of my actions. I gave her that, and told her some of the things she did wrong, and still fucking apologizing, but it wasn’t enough. She got really nasty, she was clearly just trying to hurt me and make me just as miserable as she was, so I blocked her.

That ended up not really being a long story short, and that’s still a somewhat condensed version, but there you go. That’s how shit hit the fan, and then hit several other fans repeatedly.
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Woah thanks for sharing. Yeah I’m speechless. Hope she doesn’t keep bothering you
 
I have been hella dissociating all day. Found something extremely triggering as I was going through my room yesterday. I don’t feel like I’m all the way here. And I kinda don’t even care. Trauma responses are rad.

If my personality seems different that’s why
 
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I don’t even know what to fuckin do anymore dude. I have my ex blocked on absolutely everything, but in the past two weeks she has had three different people talk to me. Counting those, that’s a grand total of FIVE times she’s violated by three month boundary. The latest one is saying how bent out of shape she is from how we left things and that I need to talk to her (said person also dismissed the three months as an “arbitrary rule”). I just. Holy fuck. The way she talked to me last time was so over the line and unacceptable. I have absolutely nothing I’d feel good about saying to her, but at the same time, another human is spectacularly hurting in a way that relates to me and I’m having such an impossible time letting that go. I know I don’t want to feel guilty for doing what was right for myself but a part of me really does. One possible response I had is that I can say I will unblock her number if I can get a guarantee that she won’t be nasty to me. If the way she acted toward me is weighing on her conscience, then maybe the right thing to do is give her a way to clear that up. But I don’t even know if that’s what’s bothering her so much, and if she’s just looking for another excuse to come at me with anger, I don’t want to risk that even a little bit. That would be too damaging to my mental health. A lot of people are telling me to just block her friends and ignore any further messages I get but something about that doesn’t feel right to me. Yet I really, really do not want to talk to her. I feel completely split down the middle and it totally ruined what was shaping up to be a good day.

We have fun here in the Bone Zone. I promise I’ll post something positive in here one day.
 
Break-ups are hard. No matter how kind you are she’s still gonna hurt, hell even if you get back together with her she’ll still feel the pain that you broke up at all.

I once made the mistake of indulging an ex’s pleas to carry on as friends, eventually leading to him emotionally blackmailing me to get back together with him and just protracting the break-up for a further 1-2 years.

The easiest way for her to get over your relationship/break-up will be a finite close. If her friends are colluding in this irrational behaviour then just block their arses - after all if you’re done (which it very much sounds like you are…) then what the hell do you still need her friends for?!
 
I’m on new antidepressants and I think they’re actually working really well. It’s not all perfect but I feel more present, I’ve been told I look brighter, and I’ve had a lot more energy on the musical side of things all week.

I’ve done a TON of work on one song that’s been in my head for a while, pretty much just needs guitar and vocals now. All my guitars are in the shop (what I thought was an interface problem was actually just my guitars being fucked up lmao) and I’ll do vocals last. Also started a new song today and I don’t know if it’ll become anything but it’s kinda cool, and did some work on a remake of an old song. I feel like I’m coming back to myself on that front. It’s pretty dope. If I carry this momentum I can definitely launch my solo project this year.

Part of this is probably due to the threat of my ex harassing me most likely being gone. I may go into how that all went down here eventually, but honestly rn I don’t even feel the need. The whole thing was messy, shitty, and a little bit embarrassing but I’m so fucking relieved that I can finally leave that bullshit behind.

Anyway, positivity in the Bone Zone. What’ll they think of next?
 
Would love to be feeling how I was in my last post, but I’m quite not. I’m so tired of being burned out. I wish there was more research on adult autistic burnout so there was a clear cut answer on what to do. For most of this week energy has not been a thing. I’m so unimaginably bored of mindless scrolling and playing Pokémon Showdown random battles, yet I don’t have the energy to do much else. And when I do, it goes real quickly. I got out and hung out with some friends pretty much all day on Tuesday, so I guess there’s that, though that honestly contributed to the burnout during and after it.

I’m on such a boom and bust cycle with music. When I made that blog post I was consistently working on it every day, I had this great new song I was excited about. Then I got my guitars fixed up, plugged one it to try and record and it was… bad. Nothing about it came out the way I wanted it to, and my bubble burst. My guitar technique is super unrefined at the moment, but even if it was on point, the part I wrote in my head just wasn’t it and I got super discouraged. I’m reading this book that’s supposed to help get my creativity and consistency back, and I’m getting a lot out of it, but two things happened around that that gave me pause. One, part of it was doing a centering meditation, and I did that, and when I did I kept hearing this voice telling me I’m not meant to do music and I should quit. And two, I’m at the end of the first “real” chapter (it’s based around a five step process so it was the first step, there were many introductory chapters setting up the whole thing), and there you’re supposed to define your purpose. Not just your creative purpose, but your purpose as a whole. I have absolutely no idea what that is. I’ve come up with a few lines that felt mostly right when I wrote them, but there’s still a nagging unease that ties into that meditation experience, and I don’t know how to continue that book unless I figure it out. It doesn’t help that on Tuesday, I started the day with going to my music friend’s house and trying to work on some stuff, but nothing really came of it and he had a bit of a meltdown saying he was thinking about selling all his studio stuff and quitting. It just makes that seem like a more viable option for me and I don’t like it. I don’t know how to deal with the possibility of having to let go of a dream, a part of my identity, that I’ve had for 10 years. Yet, how can I continue to hold on to goals I feel incapable of putting action to? It’s a mess. I started a song the day of that meditation but it’s one that would require guitar beyond a level I’m currently able to do, and I started another one today that made me feel shittier. Idfk. I might be starting up guitar lessons again soon and I really hope that helps.

I’m supposed to be thinking about going back to school and/or getting a job but those things are both so overwhelming. Getting a job I could barely tolerate just to make money was part of how I got so burnt out to begin with, and throughout my life school has been a consistently negative, traumatizing experience. And how can I do either of those things when literally just writing a few things on a sheet of paper knocked me back into bed? I want to be getting better, I’m supposed to be getting better, I rationally know it’s not a linear process but right now I feel so stuck. I hate it.
 
Today was honestly really terrible. I woke up from a dream about my ex (not the recent crazy one I’ve talked about on here), I felt deep pain and burnout pretty much the entire day, and I had a rough talk with my parents. I’m also questioning my current med situation, as my lethargy has worsened recently and I’ve been having rather uncharacteristic mood swings.

But, I’ve set up a doctor’s appointment to see if there’s anything physical causing my lack of energy and I sent an email inquiring about an autism evaluation. Right now, in this moment, I feel I’m gonna be okay, so I guess I’m just leaving this here as a reminder to myself. Even on the worst of days I’m capable of making baby steps and of feeling better before I go to bed.
 
I had my first guitar lesson since my senior year of high school today. I feel really good about it. It’s with my old instructor too, it was good to see him again. This’ll be a good thing for me. Also gonna see Multiverse of Madness in a couple hours!! So excited!

However my ex is harassing me through Zelle and PayPal so that’s something I’m a little less than thrilled about
 
KerfishSea said:
Just...get a restraining order or something man that bitch dont need ya. You're too good.Also neat on the Guitar lesson
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Although I don't know the legalistic parts of this, I think that that would also be the best course of action.

...Also, after 500 years of intensive guitar training I expect you to play like Ichika Nito himself lmao
 
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