Hm... not bad for a first attempt. Not at all... I know I didn't, but it might be a good idea to include a bit more detail on his appearence and personalily, though you don't have to. Also, adding spaces after your periods would make it a bit easier to read, and you could even bold each field to make it a bit easier as well, but as far as I can see that's a great profile. You shouldn't have any problem getting accepted.
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