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Dorothy
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  • I actually quite like your characters, so I'm definitely not going to criticise them, but one thing that is really irritating me is that if I read a single post between chapters there's usually some horrible spoiler. Stop it. You don't need to tell everyone what you intend to do with the story, maybe discuss it with one or two people in private or in public but don't post it on the story thread - PLEASE!

    Finally, I think you underestimate your readers somewhat. I was given a piece of advice not that long ago to do with writing, it's this - 'show, don't tell'. What it basically means is you don't need to explain every little thing, it can be a lot of fun for the reader if they're left to figure out things for themselves.

    Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but just remember I wouldn't have bothered to find this many problems if I didn't like the story. If you can apply my suggestions, I think this story would be brilliant.
    Yeah, I know what you mean, I've been really pleasantly surprised with the reaction to Rival's Story. Eight years is a helluva long time, but at least it's done in volumes, so people could feasibly pick it up at the start of a volume and not know the ones before that - who knows

    I've finished 7 chapters.

    If you want some feedback at this stage, it'd be the following. I haven't posted it yet because I thought you might have dealt with some of these problems by the stage you're at, but here it goes anyway:

    I feel your chapters are far too short. I don't just mean in terms of length, they seem a little rushed over. I'm not trying to declare myself gospel or anything but I really struggled to fit my Brock battle into two longish chapters, so I was really surprised to see a more experienced Brock battle over in a single, short chapter, I think you really could've gone a lot more into that if you'd just given it a little bit more attention.
    Against all advice, I've decided to dive straight into reading GK. I've got it clocked as a kinda Star Wars-esque situation, where it'd actually be more fun to read the prequel afterwards. Anyway, I've been reading GK and I'm enjoying it so far, but I've been saving commenting on it until I'm up to date.
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