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  • I think it has inproved quite a lot. The writing is better and the discripions have gotten alot better. All though it still get a bit of confusing because you clump dialog together rather then spacing it out. It caused some chapters such as chapter 7 to be extremely confusing since there is alot of talking going on there. Also sometimes you start a new paragraph randomly. A paragraph is supost to be about one idea and when you move on to the next idea or the charters go to a new place you start a new paragraph then.

    I don't want to sound like I'm being mean or anything like that but if you inprove the spacing of dialong and where a paragraph is supost to start and end then the story would be alot better and less confusing for the reader.

    Keep on writing though, I see that you do have alot of talent and could write very good fics if you inprove on those things.

    Another option may be to get someone to edit the fic. So you would send chapters of the fic to him/her by PM before you post it and they would fix the mistakes such spelling,grammar and spacing and then they would send it back to you for you to post.

    Keep on writing though I would like to see more of this fic and maybe new fics because I see you can be a great writer if you inprove on some small things.
    I did a review in the old thread for the fic with the first few chapters. But I see you have made a new one with more chapters so I looked at it.

    I have to say the plot is strong and also I think the characters are well done and likeable. Also another good point is the humor, I found some of the lines quite funny. Also the grammar and spelling is strong over all.

    But there are a few things that would make it better.( I don't want to sound mean or anything about this but there are some inprovments that you could make).

    The biggest problem is how you put dialog down. Most people would write how characters talk like this.

    "Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah!", said Shinji.

    "Blah blah blah?", asked Issun.

    So it would help if you spaced it out because it would make it less hard and confusing for the reader. Also you don't have to put "(person) said" everytime after some one speaks. If you just have two people speaking to eachother then put it only the first each of them speaks because after that the reader should know who is talking. Also add a bit more detail to the setting. I found in some places I had no idea what it looked like around where they where. But don't go over board with detail or redundently state detale. Just add some diatale when they end somewhere new so we know what it is like.

    Also the chapters seem a bit short each. Most chapters in fics are around 4 or more pages on MS word using size 12 font long. It's up to you though to keep the short chapters or add longer ones because its not that much of a problem.

    Over all its a great fic and I hope to see alot more of it. Just make some minor inprovment and it will be even better =D!

    Also sorry about the extra posts eariler I have dial up so it lags some times and just messes up.
    I see you got a dA account. I use to have one until hacker stole it, changed my password, and deactivated it. I tried emailing the staff to get it back, but they haven't respond, and I even tried making a new account, but I haven't gotten an email from them to activate it.
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