TEEN: Dungeons & Dragonite

[kintsugi]

TABLE OF CONTENTS
EPITAPH
I. CENOTAPH
II. TERATOGEN
III. adianoeta
IV. catabasis
V. miasmic
VI. amaranthine
VII. chimerical​

author's note(s)

T for language; mythos takes heavy inspiration from, well, D&D // long live FR (and also a bit of Bridge to Terebithia, and also Borderlands 2, and also Slaughterhouse Five, and the other usual suspects)​

and now for something completely different

________________________________________________​

EPITAPH
________________________________________________​

This used to be the story of Natalya the Invincible, Bucket Knight, a young farmgirl in a wartorn world who, after fleeing the ashes of her ruined windmill of a home, waged a deadly assault on a realm of monsters to exact revenge for her slain family.

But this isn’t really a story about Natalya, because Natalya is a fictional character from a campaign for Dungeons & Dragonite, word become flesh on a steady diet of imagination, fortunate dice rolls, and wish fulfillment.

This used to be the story of Nathalie Leroux, a freshman in high school who, after being ignored by most of the people in her life—and especially her older brother, a Home Depot floor manager who thought that adventure was switching up the kind of beer you drank when watching football—found a game called Dungeons & Dragonite, and became Natalya, level one paladin, who would fight feral pokémon with nothing more than her farm tools and her wits.

But this isn’t really a story about Nathalie, either, because she never really finished the campaign and instead died two years later after having a fatal allergic reaction to anesthesia during what would’ve otherwise been an uneventful wisdom tooth removal.

This is instead the story of the boring older brother. His name is River.

________________________________________________




.​

 

[kintsugi]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I. CENOTAPH
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

Roll initiative! @RiverL joined the server!

9:08 pm
RULESBOT: Hi @RiverL, and welcome to the official Dungeons & Dragonite Discord server! Please read the guidelines in #rules before starting to post here! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask our mods (gold names) or admins (blue names).
RiverL: Hi, RULESBOT! Are you a moderator?
Bastion12: omfg lol
Bastion12: dis boi talking to a bot
RiverL: Hi, Bastion12! Are you a moderator?
invinceble: lmao maybe he’s a bot too
invinceble: @RiverL that’s rulesbot
invinceble: he’s a bot
invinceble: and makes rules
RiverL: Woah, how did you send me a notification?
RiverL: What does that mean?
invinceble: it means he’s a bot that makes rules

9:10 pm
RiverL: Is he also a moderator? I was hoping I could talk to a moderator.
invinceble: the bot is not a moderator.
Bastion12: lmao
Bastion12: yall still on this?
Hoodlum: :eyes:
RiverL: Hello, are you a moderator?
invinceble: general kenobi!
Bastion12: nop
Bastion12: *nope
Hoodlum: bast that’s a troll
Hoodlum: could you photoshop me that meme with the guy and the butterfly
Hoodlum: except it’s this guy asking if it’s a mod
invinceble: lmfao
Bastion12: can’t
Hoodlum: bast pls
Bastion12: got dinner rn
Bastion12: you have MS paint u do it
Hoodlum: dinner?
Hoodlum: oh I forgot about PST
Hoodlum: I can wait
invinceble: he’ll probably still be here when you get back tbh
Bastion12: :weary:

9:11 pm
RiverL: Is this actually a server for Dungeons and Dragons?
invinceble: haha what
invinceble: no
invinceble: this is for dungeons and dragonite
invinceble: spinoff version w/ pokemon
Bastion12: LOL THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER
RiverL: Oh, I meant that.
Hoodlum: do you even know what pokemon is
RiverL: Dragonite is the blue squiggly one, right?

9:13 pm
Hoodlum: holy shit I cannot believe it took you two minutes to write that
Hoodlum: :triumph:
invinceble: be polite hood
invinceble: a mod might catch you
RiverL: Is a moderator a mod?
Hoodlum: @Bastion12NymeriaRider: Vince just ban him already
NymeriaRider: Obvious troll is obvious.
invinceble: idk nym, he’s been typing for like two minutes now
invinceble: i’m kinda curious
invinceble: didn’t you say you were studying for a test?
NymeriaRider: yah just got distracted
invinceble: @RiverL nym here is a mod if you got questions
invinceble: gold names are mods
RiverL: Nym?
invinceble: NymeriaRider
RiverL: Oh.
NymeriaRider: nah I gotta study
NymeriaRider: vince, deal with this
NymeriaRider: pls
RiverL: Are gold names mods?
invinceble: yeah
RiverL: Isn’t your name gold?
invinceble: yeah
invinceble: whaddya know
invinceble: i am the droid you’re looking for i guess
invinceble: gdi nym

9:15 pm
RiverL: I have a question.
Hoodlum: here he goes
invinceble: yeah, shoot

9:17 pm
RiverL: I have this big word document from a friend of mine that has a lot of her notes for a Dungeons and Dragonite campaign that she was the DM for. I don’t really understand any of it, but she also referenced a subreddit, and that took me to this server, and I was hoping maybe someone here could help me make sense of it?
invinceble: huh?
invinceble: notes?
Hoodlum: lmao you got a real troll here vince
Hoodlum: DMs taking notes lol

@RiverL has uploaded a file: chimericalinfodump.doc

Hoodlum: man and its oldschool too with the doc instead of .docx and everything
Hoodlum: vince don’t click it its probably hentai shit

9:18 pm
invinceble: what the fuck
Hoodlum: hentai shit?
invinceble: river dm me
Hoodlum: aww man you deleted it

9:19 pm
Hoodlum: so was it hentai
Hoodlum: :eggplant:

9:20 pm
invinceble: @RiverL dm me please
RiverL: huh?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

This is the beginning of your message history with @invinceble

9:22 pm
invinceble: why don’t you dm me
RiverL: What does dm mean?
invinceble: nvm
invinceble: that word doc
invinceble: where did you get it?
RiverL: It’s
RiverL: a long story
invinceble: i’ll be here all night.

9:24 pm
RiverL: It isn’t mine. It’s someone else’s.
invinceble: yeah i figured that much
invinceble: how the fuck did you get your hands on nat’s module??

9:25 pm
RiverL: you know Nathalie?
invinceble: uh yeah
invinceble: she literally founded the server you were in
invinceble: and basically wrote half the lore for d&dnite
invinceble: everyone knows Nat
RiverL: I found it.
invinceble: found it?

9:26 pm
RiverL: It’s my sister’s.

9:27 pm
invinceble: river l?
RiverL: Yes?
invinceble: you’re river leroux?
RiverL: How did you know my last name?

9:29 pm
invinceble: um
invinceble: you spoke at her funeral back in november
invinceble: i was there too
invinceble: small world.
RiverL: Oh.
RiverL: I see.

9:36 pm
RiverL: Are you there?
9:42 pm
invinceble: yeah
invinceble: sorry
invinceble: reading up on the word doc
invinceble: never thought i’d be reading this ever (edited)
invinceble: no clue she put this much thought into our campaign
RiverL: Were you also in it?
invinceble: yeah

9:43 pm
invinceble: so you want to play this?
invinceble: you can’t play Nat
invinceble: you’d have to be a new char
RiverL: Yes.
invinceble: do you know anything about d&d?
invinceble: *the version with dragonite, btw
RiverL: Allie and I played Pokemon Sun when it came out a few years ago.
RiverL: Silvally was our favorite.
9:45 pm
invinceble: hood’s gonna roast the shit out of me for doing this lol
invinceble: but i’ll dm this for you
RiverL: What does that mean?
invinceble: um
invinceble: i’ll run the game so you can play through it
invinceble: logistics will be kinda messy because of Nat’s character (edited)
invinceble: i’ll set up a channel for you in that server you were just in
invinceble: gimme a sec

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

Welcome to the beginning of the #chimerical channel.
9:52 pm
invinceble: aight, we’ll have to start slow
invinceble: Nat gets set up as a friendly NPC i guess
invinceble: it’d be too hard to have two characters and be your dm for that
invinceble: the campaign was pretty advanced so you’ll probably just need to learn some things on the fly real quick
invinceble: you’ll probs be fine though
invinceble: this is such a crazy coincidence though wow

9:58 pm
invinceble: okay roles should be assigned and you should be able to talk now
invinceble: let’s get your character set up
invinceble: you got an alignment in mind?
RiverL: A what?
invinceble: alignment
invinceble: the 3x3 square with all the roles
invinceble: nvm
invinceble: pretend your character is walking down the street and finds a wallet on the ground
invinceble: what do you do?
RiverL: I turn it in to the police.
invinceble: right
invinceble: lawful good idk what else to expect
invinceble: class?
RiverL: Class, like in school? I graduated college three years ago.
invinceble: lol

9:59 pm
RiverL: That wasn’t a joke.
invinceble: oh.
invinceble: uh
invinceble: okay
invinceble: what kind of character do you want to play?
invinceble: like do you want to have a sword
invinceble: or do magic things
invinceble: or maybe a troll
RiverL: What kind of character was Allie?
invinceble: just don’t be a rogue that’s me
invinceble: allie?
invinceble: oh, Nathalie
invinceble: Nat was a human paladin
invinceble: pretty old game back then when we didn’t really know the quirks or anything
invinceble: p vanilla but it do be like that sometimes
RiverL: I’ll be that one, please.
invinceble: okay
invinceble: pretty shit for balance, but okay
invinceble: i'll just chuck you in a basic build for now
invinceble: name?
RiverL: Uh. RiverL?
invinceble: it doesn’t have to be your actual name, you know
invinceble: mine isn’t

10:02 pm
invinceble: nvm lol
invinceble: let’s do this

There’s a cold breeze blowing. Sweeping plains full of snowy grass roll in undulating hills across the horizon. The sky is clear and blue; the sun is high above. It’s a sharp, bitter kind of cold, the kind that leaves the skies above open and inviting, with air that carries sound a hundred miles. There’s no cover as far as the eye can see. Both moons are high above in the distance, but they’re very faint tonight.

10:04 pm
RiverL: Woah, how did you do that?
invinceble: it’s just a server function for narration don’t panic
RiverL: There are two moons?
invinceble: heh
invinceble: the newest d&dnite expansion introduced Lunala, which was cool
invinceble: but that means there are two moon deities now
invinceble: Cress was a thing since 4e, and our RKS quest was pretty involved in the nightmare-daydream plane
invinceble: so Nat just retconned them both into the Aloloss pantheon
RiverL: What’s Aloloss?
invinceble: the setting
invinceble: island nation off the coast of Kalossos
invinceble: Nat always described it as a land divided and joined by its waters
invinceble: currently in a stalemate war with the Kantonese Federation but we’re not there yet
invinceble: anyway you gotta meet the other chars

Twenty feet away, there are two figures!

10:07 pm
RiverL: Are you going to do that all the time?
invinceble: what
RiverL: The narration stuff. It’s kind of jarring when you have it appearing out of nowhere like that. Why are you doing it like that?

10:08 pm
invinceble: i’m no Nat
invinceble: she was really good at getting that stuff flawlessly
invinceble: hallmark of a really good DM tbh
RiverL: What’s a DM?
invinceble: Dungeon Master
invinceble: controls the enemies
invinceble: and the plot
invinceble: and stuff

10:15 pm
RiverL: Are you still there?

10:16 pm
invinceble: yeah lmao
invinceble: don’t panic i’m just setting up your character in the system
invinceble: you got some pretty trash stat rolls so you have like 0 charisma
invinceble: but you’re a paladin so like
invinceble: should be nbd
invinceble: do you want armor or anything?
RiverL: Oh, I understand. It’s just that it’s getting kind of late.
RiverL: Do I need armor to play the game?
invinceble: late?
invinceble: lmao it’s not even 11
RiverL: I have work tomorrow.
invinceble: uh
invinceble: i guess i'll just chuck you in where we left off then
invinceble: lemme switch nicknames over to ic

10:18 pm
corvin: aight let’s do this
RiverL: Hi, Corvin! My name is River.
corvin: river it’s literally me
corvin: vince
RiverL: Oh, what?

There’s a sudden rush of wind. They pick off where they left off, scattered pieces on an adventure that’s only now remembering to take a breath. Corvin, woodland archer, stands up to the knees in the icy grass. Natalya looks nervously to the horizon, hefting her weapon in her hand. Beneath her helm, the glint of her eyes flicks across the enemies that have gathered around them.

Six figures approach in from the snowy field, frozen in various states of attack.

“Skulls,” Corvin says in a low voice, nocking an arrow and aiming it at the nearest one.

10:21 pm
RiverL: Skulls? But it’s just text.
corvin: you’ve got to pretend a little
RiverL: Pretend to fight a few words of text?
corvin: eleven words of text
corvin: and tbh yeah
corvin: you’re severely underlevelled and should be frightened
corvin: ready?
RiverL: I mean no, not really.
10:28 pm
corvin: hey u alive?
UhRIVER: I really don’t know what to do here.
UhRIVER: Hey, why is my name different?
corvin: iunno
corvin: literally just type anything
corvin: it’s freeform
corvin: you’re being attacked by some mooks
corvin: do something
corvin: type /IC[your text here]
RiverL: /IC[your text here]
10:30 pm
corvin: aight
corvin: hood was right
corvin: fuck this lmao

The first Skull lurches forward, scimitar waving, and attacks River!

10:31 pm
corvin: roll a dex saving throw
UhRiverL: What is a dex saving throw?
corvin: [/B][/B]type /1d20
UhRiverL: Uh, okay.

UhRiverL rolled a 20-sided dice!
2.

10:33 pm
corvin: yeah lmao you have nothing in dex that hits
UhRiverL: What does that mean?
corvin: you take damage
corvin: wanna describe how

The first Skull lashes out with a wild, uh, attack.

10:35 pm
corvin: seriously.

10:36 pm
corvin: yeah fuck it this is bullshit
corvin: roll the dice again
UhRiverL: Okay!

UhRiverL rolled a 20-sided dice!
6.

10:37 pm
corvin: okay
corvin: adding those together and going up against your really shitty AC
corvin: you take 16 damage
UhRiverL: Uh, okay. Is that good?

“Sir River!” Natalya shouts, and twirls her hammer into a defensive position in front of him.
The third Skull attacks!

corvin rolled a 20-sided dice!
12.

10:41 pm
UhRiverL: Okay just to make it clear, I have no idea what you’re doing or what any of this means.
corvin: you just got jumped by three of the eleven Skulls
corvin: the third one was going to kill you but Nat blocked it
UhRiverL: Kill me?
corvin: yeah, see the hit points on the sidebar
corvin: lose them all and you die
UhRiverL: Die, permanently?
corvin: uh i mean
corvin: your character dies
corvin: this isn’t SAO or some bullshit you’ll be fine irl

“Sir River,” Corvin growls through gritted teeth. “You aren’t going to get very far if you won’t even acknowledge that the enemies we’re facing are actually around us.”
“But I don’t even know how to play the game!” River protests.

10:42 pm
UhRiverL: Wait, but I only have 7 hit points left?
corvin: yeah tbh you woulda died that last turn
corvin: but Nat blocked it
corvin rolled a 20-sided dice!
15.

10:43 pm
UhRiverL: I really don’t know what’s going on any more.
corvin: the fourth Skull attacks
corvin: you take 3 damage
UhRiverL: Is there anything I can do to not die here? Could you tell me what’s going on? Am I even dying or not?

10:44 pm
corvin: you wanted learning on the fly
corvin: this is learning on the fly
UhRiverL: What am I supposed to be learning, though? I don’t know what’s happening at all!

10:45 pm
corvin: pick
corvin: an action
corvin: do something to interact with the world
UhRiverL: Uh, okay. I’m sorry. Let me think for a second.[/font]

River thinks for a second. He thinks about how he’s seeing the fifth Skull attacking him.

corvin rolled a 20-sided dice!
14.

10:46 pm
corvin: you take 3 more damage

“Which one do you want?” Corvin shouts over the chaos to Natalya.

Natalya doesn’t even pause. Her gaze is already focused with burning hatred on the fifth Skull, and her gloved hand unconsciously tightens its grip on the haft of her weapon. Her voice is calculating but calm. “Take the ones on the left. I’ll look after Sir River. Corvin, provide us cover.”

“Understood.”

Natalya stares down the group of Skulls in front of her, turns her back to them, and instead looks to River. Even twenty feet away, he can see the grit-set determination searing through the slots in her wooden helm. She raises her free hand high, murmuring something incomprehensible under her breath. There’s a sudden glow of blue light, and the most critical of his wounds begin to heal up.

10:49 pm
UhRiverL: I had critical wounds?
corvin: you were literally about to die

corvin rolled a 20-sided dice!
11.

10:50 pm
UhRiverL: There are wizards in this game?
corvin: no, that’s a paladin
UhRiverL: But she just did magic.
corvin: i mean
corvin: Natalya is a high-level paladin
corvin: paladins get a ton of clerical spells
corvin: that’s pretty common

10:51 pm
UhRiverL: Who is Natalya?
corvin: what

10:52 pm
corvin: wait no really
corvin: what

10:53 pm
UhRiverL: Who is Natalya?
corvin: that’s Nat’s char
corvin: how could you not have figured that out
UhRiverL: What’s a char?
corvin: oh.

10:55 pm
corvin: can you hop on vc real quick
UhRiverL: What’s a vc?
corvin: voice chat
corvin: click on the speaker on the bottom right

Voice chat in #chimerical initiated.
corvin has joined voice channel.
UhRiverL has joined voice channel.
VINCE: Hey. You there?
RIVER: Yeah. What’s up?
VINCE: Wow you even sound like—
(PAUSE).
Never mind. Look. Are you just sandbagging to be a dick? Because I have a lot of shit on my plate right now and I really am not in the mood to put up with that.
RIVER: Sandbagging?
VINCE: Oh my god.
RIVER: What?
VINCE: How could you have grown up in the same household as the best D&DNite player in the world and not know any of this? Like surely something would’ve had to osmosis onto you or something. But no, I get to tell the server that Nathalie Leroux’s older brother came back and got himself critically wounded two seconds into his first encounter.
RIVER: I’m critically wounded?
VINCE: You were literally about to die.
RIVER: I’m going to die?!
VINCE: Yeah, on that last turn Natalya just healed you a little but then after I rolled the dice, the surviving Skull grunts are trying to grab you and are gonna drag you to sacrifice to Auril. Nat’s notes that that would happen, not mine. (PAUSE.) Auril. Do you remember Stakataka?
RIVER: The purple one with the fangs?
VINCE: The what — no, okay, let’s not focus on that. My best guess is that you’re thinking of a rattata, who, no, is not an elite guardian of Aloloss. Stakataka is the big tower-shaped one. (PAUSE.) Okay, look. I’m no Nat. She’s a really good DM. I kind of lost the motivation with this stuff after...
RIVER: DM?
VINCE: Dungeon Master. I control the enemies and the plot and stuff. I’m supposed to help you feel like you’re actually in the adventure.
RIVER: Oh. I pronounced it differently in my head.
VINCE: You really have no idea what’s going on, do you?
(PAUSE).
RIVER: Not really, no.
(PAUSE).
VINCE: Man, this is awkward. I don’t know how else to say it. (PAUSE). I thought you were just fucking with me, dropping this thing into my lap and then totally trolling it, and… oh, man. Sorry for rage-killing your character. I. Wow. Okay. Um.
(PAUSE).
Okay. I’m logging off for tonight. Sorry. I don’t think I was ready for this yet. Message me tomorrow when you get on or something.
RIVER: Vincent, are you—
corvin has left the voice chat.
RIVER: —okay?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

 

[Ambyssin]

I am here to post nonsensical thingsanalyze this critically and tactfully... like someone who actually knows how to play Dungeons & Dragons and wouldn't toally be making this up on the fly. :V

... who am I kidding? I'm River in this scenario. Except I don't have any siblings who know DND. That said... a few lines in and he's shit-talking customer service. He's already 250% more relatable than any character I've ever written... so I need to go rethink my whole (brief) writing career, clearly.

Uh. Silvally was our favorite.

DAMN STRAIGHT, SON!

River's attempts to make a character are pretty much my own right there. I'd be just as confused and likely end up some sort of wizard with melee ability. ha! snuck a ratchet & clank reference into a review. point, amby. Now, as the lousy human I am, I must confess the font changing messes with my head a bit. But that's a visual acuity thing. Speaking objectively, it helps with the immersion. And also makes it a hell of a lot funnier when River trashes that immersion completely to be the utterly clueless player that he is. I also like the attempts to integrate the Pokémon world into a DND setting. 10/10. Also, Shroud of Fabulousness is an amazing item, but I'm docking it points for not being made out of Milotic scales.

Also, I love all the Knight references you through in there. And the random copyright jab. This is just... ridiculous meta and that's totally my kind of humor. ^^

River looks uncomfortably at his Patrios t-shirt.

Oh, for fuck's sake... not even fics are safe from Patriots fans?! Is nothing sacred? Where's a table for me to flip?

Also, a hammer weapon partially given magical whatevers by Necrozma? SIGN ME UP, BABY! HELL YEAH! Also, go River, use your job title to discuss semantics and piss of the DM. I'm guessing that's probably a really bad thing to do in an actual DND game, ja? And then it's interrupted by important, real life stuff.

In short, if you're expect me to comment on the quality of the writing here, I'm afraid I might not be much help. This is pretty damn funny and seems like it was written on a whim to be completely ridiculous. And I am totally okay with that! :V

 

[Beth Pavell]

floor manager older brother

Missing the plural there.

With that out of the way ... hm. I found myself warming up to the script format of the Real World. It is a bit clunky at first and runs into the usual problems of two heads talking ... but I can see why you're doing it. I'm not completely sold on the set-up here. It feels rushed, like you wanted to get into this story about the campaign (Always hated that word in RPG terms, "adventure" is so much better) as quickly as you could.

But that being said, there is a streak of reality running through all this. It might be a little exaggerated, but you really can find stores like Asgard Games, where the staff are habitually rude to the Outsiders and treat customers like something to be tolerated. If I were to nitpick I'd say that most of those staff would be out of a job by now, what with game stores dying and all. But you have hit the nail right on the head when it comes to in-jokes that take far too long to explain. Any good group ends up gathering them after a while.

Speaking of which, Vince really isn't kidding about being a DM. He's got to have chosen the absolute worst way of teaching River how to play. Babbling irrelevant lore at him, making references to mechanics he knows River doesn't understand (Or would know, if he bothered to listen), not explaining the point of an RPG is essentially one big game of Pretend.

 

[PeaceSign]

YESSSSS!! heart leaps outta my chest on this one... months later, and I'm still not quite ready for how those first few lines hit me! In under 215 words, you communicate some incredibly painful grief. We barely hit the surface of it, and my heart's already pouring out for this broken brother-sister dynamic, and furthermore, the best friend who's lost someone unspeakably precious to him.

I could read this over a thousand times and prolly still catch something unique! You write in a way that slips those details into the structure itself. The phrase "being ignored by most of the people in her life" is directly cut off with this slashy symbol (-), and it's kinda an amazingly clever way to parallel how the ignoring can happen so insidiously quick. The disconnect between her and her brother. MAN. Switching up beers at the games vs. adopting a fun pseudonym with your friends at a camp that's so important to you - these two are really on opposite sides of the spectrum, and really not at all!

Also, the realistic details reign queen here. Dying because of an allergic reaction... oof it's awful, and such a rich way to contrast the incredibly rich fantasy life she lived with Vince vs. what she got at home. SPEAKING OF VINCE. He's all my heart; I love all of his lil quips, especially the "i played melee binch better recognize" ! He bursts with character and life, and the more I read this the more love I have for River, too! It's hard to communicate how we hurt and love people who are so close to us in life, and this story is really a guidebook for loving their legacies. It's really never too late.

MY HEART HURTS TOO MUCH DANG U and I can't wait for the rest of it!

 

[unrepentantAuthor]

Okay, so, this is the first kintsugi fic I've read, and it's a good one. Hi there - I've been meaning to look at your stuff, and the review game is as good an excuse as any. It helps that this is a story about D&D, since I'm a huge fan of P&PRPGs. I'll be a long term reader if this keeps going, I expect.

I read the first chapter in entirety last night, rather than writing my review as I went, like I normally would. It was a lot of fun! It does mean that this review isn't going to be quite as structured as I usually manage.

One of my first thoughts is "are they in a pokéworld, or are they just playing a pokémon themed P&PRPG in our world?" There aren't really any indicators either way. I find myself wondering how relevant pokémon are going to be, considering that nothing has been said so far about either the players or characters having pokémon companions. I hope they are! I'll read a D&D themed story all the same, but I read fanfic for the pokémon. I'm guessing that pokémon are the monsters they're going to fight (did you state that explicitly? I feel like I may have missed that) and that's kinda cool and potentially really badass, but also potentially upsetting as I'm used to the idea of pokémon as companions, not as monsters to kill.

The thing I'd like to praise the most is Nat's death and the consequent premise. It's so real, so random, so mundane. It kinda hurts, even though I'm not attached to her character at this point. I like that she's referred back to consistently by these two people to whom she was significant. I like that River is doing his best to connect with her memory, especially how he picks paladin because it was her class.

The script format is an interesting choice, I don't think I've read anything like it in fanfic since the days of Homestuck. It gives me real "greentext" vibes, so if that was what you were going for, it's working! It made it easy to speed-read I wonder why you've chosen to do it this way? Is it necessary or beneficial somehow? I wouldn't post this on FFN, incidentally, I don't think it'll go unreported.

The dialogue and character interactions feel really authentic, true-to-life in the same way as Nat's death. You did well there. At the same time, I feel like Vincent is so harsh in-character to River, I'm surprised the guy takes it or that either of them want to continue playing with each-other. Maybe I'm just used to less hostile gaming groups than this! Speaking of Vincent, the spiel about the war hammer is pretty over the top but I didn't really find it comedic or endearing. It did give River a chance to pick Vincent up on the sledgehammer moniker, which was fun, but it does make the guy seem like a particularly dickish sort.

Still, I do want to read more of this. It's charming, poignant, and sincere. And fun!

Oh - and cenotaph is a fantastic name for the opening chapter. Nice one.

See you next chapter!

 

[diamondpearl876]

Well, I never did get to read the previous version of this you sent me. Oops. Time to remedy that and keep up with this version.

This is instead the story of the boring older brother. His name is River.

Well, damn. That's a hook. But something tells me Natalya/Nathalie will stay as prominent characters throughout this fic, since it's Nathalie's campaign being worked in, and Natalya's character is being roleplayed. Really, Natalya/Nathalie seem to be all that's keeping Vince and River talking to each other, since they can't seem to stand each other much. No doubt you'll be pulling my heartstrings later. A character brought back to life and carrying on through the memories of those who loved her will do that. >.>

VINCE: I know I’m five feet tall and look like I’m twelve, but my mommy isn’t around the corner, honest.
RIVER: I didn’t mean it like that.
VINCE: Deception check?
RIVER: What?
VINCE: Never mind.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: So…

The dialogue feels awkward, not because of the script format, but because River just... has no natural social skills. At all. Lmao. Still, Vince's wit and sarcasm is enough to liven things up in comparison, and the narrated roleplay sections are written just as well as your normal prose, IMO.

VINCE: The three-by-three square where — you know, pretend I didn’t say anything. Your character is walking down the street and finds a wallet on the ground. What do you do?
RIVER: I turn it into the police.
VINCE: Right. Lawful good. Not sure what else I was expecting. Class?

Boring indeed, but lol. I'm interested to see if River will eventually become engrossed in the world his late sister came up with, and if so, how engrossed he'll be. He's already got the motivation to seek someone out to help him, so.

VINCE: Okay, so pretend that you’re in the field I just described. What do you want to do?
RIVER: Approach the figures, I guess?

Uh, River approaches the figures. He guesses.

Literally me if we ever end up playing DND.

(Phone rings.)
RIVER: Oh, crud. It’s Mallory. (PAUSE.) Yikes, I was supposed to pick up the dry cleaning. I gotta go.
VINCE: But we haven’t even started with the map! There’s a whole bunch of stuff that —
RIVER: Sorry. Can I find you again?
VINCE: I’ll be here. Same time, same place tomorrow.
RIVER: Awesome, you’re the best. Duty calls.

I M A G O ? But yeah, my only complaint is that this is a bit tad of an abrupt ending. I think Vince giving River more shit about it would be in character and would add a bit more length to the scene so it feels less rushed. It doesn't seem unlike River to just bounce out of nowhere and not plan for how long he needs to dedicate to a campaign session, though, so I like the idea.

Till next time~

 

[Beth Pavell]

Second one from me, with (I think) new things to say. This is edited Judging, so there's the usual proviso that I'm being more picky than usual:

Being all of a prologue and first chapter, there's not a lot of plot, but what there is, is straightforward. The immediate strength is how efficiently the premise is set up, with minimum infodumping. It's stripped right back to the basics, perhaps to the point of being abrupt.

The real niggle with the plot is the major one. The segue into the D+D campaign comes through the idea of River waiting around in a game store while the staff, Vince, doesn't serve him. The reason why this bugs me is in Setting below, so from a plot perspective it's an awkward way to get the story going.

Setting
The choice to have the real world scripted, and the game world in prose, means that there's a lot of two heads talking in the first chapter. But in this case it seems appropriate, given that the focus of the story, is the D+D campaign - that's what represents Nathalie, it's the reason why the story is happening in the first place, and in a sense, it's a remnant of Nathalie's life in the world.

What bugs me (Continued from Plot above) is how antiquated Asgard Games seems to be. Pokémon Sun is mentioned, which dates these events to more-or-less present day. And, well, the classic nerd dungeon game store, where the employees are habitually rude to customers and disinterested in Outsiders, is dead. They died because nobody needs to put up with that when internet retail is available. And few game stores will give much shelf room to an RPG when there are tacky POP figurines to sell.

Characterisation
Vince is a throwback, no question. Although I wouldn't say totally unrealistic - there really are nerds in the world who love to show off what big nerds they are, and can't resist making fun of the normies. He is, perhaps, something of a cartoon in that regard. This is a real weakness, because among the really sharp observations (See Conclusion below) you have this caricature, a seasoned RPG player who is also possibly the worst DM for a beginner to come across (Although it has to be admitted, being such a bad DM is not necessarily unrealistic). And it sticks out.

Style
I've touched on it above, but the script-to-prose format, when it works, works very well for something that usually demands a visual medium to get across. The voices of the characters are sharp and well-defined, as they need to be, given how much of the story is told through dialogue.

Technical
Sharp as a pin.

Conclusion
The real charm of Dungeons and Dragonite is how well-observed it is. There's a kind of history and camaraderie in a long-running RPG group that you don't get elsewhere. Names and histories accumulate, in-jokes find their way in-and-out of the stories, an it's all a bit baffling to someone coming into that. There are moments showing this all through chapter one. Vince's insistence on making stupid sex jokes is very typical, and I can easily imagine him being the guy who tries to derail every routine town visit, every climactic boss fight, with dumb innuendo and obsessing over finding a strip club.

I love how grounded and relateable the plot is. It's a shame that the set-up noticeably stretches my suspension of disbelief, and in such a short entry, I don't feel comfortable writing that off as a nitpick

 

[AceTrainer14]

Awards review coming in!

First things first, I think I should make it clear that I was rather limited in what I could say and analyse as part of the awards. The 1.25 chapters that we currently have leave a lot to be desired. That is not because they are bad in any way, but simply that the introduction to this world is just so brief that trying to find a lot to say would end up doing a lot of nitpicking I don’t feel terribly comfortable with when a story has so little to go on.

I am fond of the premise, even though I have never really played any games like this before. Vincent is pretty relatable as being part of that world, coming with the typical nerdy sass and dismissal of newbs. It didn’t really occur to me during judging, but reading Pav’s feedback, I do have to agree that he does come across a tad stereotypical. That may be an element to keep an eye on, though I am optimistic that he will grow and develop as the story progresses.

Your writing is excellent as always. You truly are a master of dialogue, and the banter between River and Vincent is natural, believable and utterly hilarious. The brief elements of the game we see as well are neat, and your story captures things in lyrical detail.

The prologue is your typically foreshadow-y self, and I like how you managed to pack in enough detail without overwhelming the reader or turning it into an exposition dump. It was a good subversion of expectations, building up Nathalie and her story and then revealing her death. I do wonder if perhaps there is more to her death than this little prologue implies, or if we will see more of her somehow in the future, but I am intrigued to see how much her death factors into things going forwards.

On that note though, my main criticism would be that, while the first chapter is great set up, set up that is written better than most people manage, at the moment there isn’t really anything to hook me into the story. River and Vincent meet, they start playing the game, and then River has to leave. It may be a simplistic take, but plot wise, there’s no big hook or gotcha-type moment that really draws me in. Only Nathalie’s death remains the ‘mystery’ element, and I kind of feel like I might be over reading that element. It is only really because of your reputation that I want to see what happens next.

I imagine that, given a few more chapters, this could become a serious contender for the awards. Currently, the character elements weren’t really strong enough or had much weight behind them to make the story stand above the winning work, but the ‘loss’ is by no means a criticism of your talents. Both prologue and first chapter are well written and constructed, and we have the first layer of the story here. I want to see what happens next, but I would suggest trying to weave some interest and intrigue into the first chapter so first time readers of your work know how talented you can be.

 

[kintsugi]

incredibly punctual responses

Spoiler

I am here to post nonsensical thingsanalyze this critically and tactfully... like someone who actually knows how to play Dungeons & Dragons and wouldn't toally be making this up on the fly. :V

ilu never change

Also, Shroud of Fabulousness is an amazing item, but I'm docking it points for not being made out of Milotic scales.

...mind if I take this?

Oh, for fuck's sake... not even fics are safe from Patriots fans?! Is nothing sacred? Where's a table for me to flip?

gives table

In short, if you're expect me to comment on the quality of the writing here, I'm afraid I might not be much help. This is pretty damn funny and seems like it was written on a whim to be completely ridiculous. And I am totally okay with that! :V

oh. oh man. I really hope I update enough that we aren't grandparents before I finish this because goddamn there was no whim here :')

If I were to nitpick I'd say that most of those staff would be out of a job by now, what with game stores dying and all. But you have hit the nail right on the head when it comes to in-jokes that take far too long to explain. Any good group ends up gathering them after a while.

I. Hmmm. I get this point and your later point about how dated this feels when it's gotta be set next to S/M. Part of it is probably me trying to play too true to stereotypes I remember growing up and missing the modern day mark; I agree. The other part, though, is definitely intentional -- Vincent is very, very much trying to replicate a bygone era here, even if the rest of the world has moved on without him. It's hard because I kept the narrow focus on Vince/River instead of the rest of the game store, but Vince is definitely intersecting some hardcore personal shit into his worklife right now.

He's got to have chosen the absolute worst way of teaching River how to play. Babbling irrelevant lore at him, making references to mechanics he knows River doesn't understand (Or would know, if he bothered to listen), not explaining the point of an RPG is essentially one big game of Pretend.

i swear I had most of this next chapter written before I read this

YESSSSS!! heart leaps outta my chest on this one... months later, and I'm still not quite ready for how those first few lines hit me! In under 215 words, you communicate some incredibly painful grief. We barely hit the surface of it, and my heart's already pouring out for this broken brother-sister dynamic, and furthermore, the best friend who's lost someone unspeakably precious to him.

hiiii ilu

Also, the realistic details reign queen here. Dying because of an allergic reaction... oof it's awful, and such a rich way to contrast the incredibly rich fantasy life she lived with Vince vs. what she got at home. SPEAKING OF VINCE. He's all my heart; I love all of his lil quips, especially the "i played melee binch better recognize" ! He bursts with character and life, and the more I read this the more love I have for River, too! It's hard to communicate how we hurt and love people who are so close to us in life, and this story is really a guidebook for loving their legacies. It's really never too late.

MY HEART HURTS TOO MUCH DANG U and I can't wait for the rest of it!

ur gonna be waiting a long time :')

Okay, so, this is the first kintsugi fic I've read, and it's a good one. Hi there - I've been meaning to look at your stuff, and the review game is as good an excuse as any. It helps that this is a story about D&D, since I'm a huge fan of P&PRPGs. I'll be a long term reader if this keeps going, I expect.

Haha! Welcome! And also welcome to the shitty update schedule and frequent delays that the rest of the party bus has come to make grudging jokes about.

One of my first thoughts is "are they in a pokéworld, or are they just playing a pokémon themed P&PRPG in our world?" There aren't really any indicators either way. I find myself wondering how relevant pokémon are going to be, considering that nothing has been said so far about either the players or characters having pokémon companions. I hope they are! I'll read a D&D themed story all the same, but I read fanfic for the pokémon. I'm guessing that pokémon are the monsters they're going to fight (did you state that explicitly? I feel like I may have missed that) and that's kinda cool and potentially really badass, but also potentially upsetting as I'm used to the idea of pokémon as companions, not as monsters to kill.

This is set in the real world; pokemon are gonna be across the board -- sometimes, monsters to kill, sometimes, friendly NPC-style supporting characters. Apologies if it gets upsetting.

The script format is an interesting choice, I don't think I've read anything like it in fanfic since the days of Homestuck. It gives me real "greentext" vibes, so if that was what you were going for, it's working! It made it easy to speed-read I wonder why you've chosen to do it this way? Is it necessary or beneficial somehow? I wouldn't post this on FFN, incidentally, I don't think it'll go unreported.

This is very much an experimental story, haha. It wasn't meant for speed-reading; I mostly picked it to really, really highlight that divide between in-character and out-of-character and later to take that divide and burn it to the ground

At the same time, I feel like Vincent is so harsh in-character to River, I'm surprised the guy takes it or that either of them want to continue playing with each-other. Maybe I'm just used to less hostile gaming groups than this! Speaking of Vincent, the spiel about the war hammer is pretty over the top but I didn't really find it comedic or endearing. It did give River a chance to pick Vincent up on the sledgehammer moniker, which was fun, but it does make the guy seem like a particularly dickish sort.

Vince... definitely isn't someone I'd enjoy RP'ing with, although he's definintely someone I'd probably end up RP'ing with anyway, if that makes sense. It's kind of a shitty excuse from an authorial standpoint, but he's not always meant to be liekable. He's a high school kid whose best/only friend just died. The outlet that he was previously using as an escape is suddenly really, really inaccessible and painful to him, and he's just come to terms with putting it aside for good and resigning himself to what he thinks is "standard" when life seemingly throws him a second chance to fix things with Nat's module returning to him, and... he's totally gonna blow it. No spoilers there.

See you next chapter!

your optimism is much appreciated
sarcasm aside, I'm really glad you enjoyed! hope I can continue to deliver

Well, damn. That's a hook. But something tells me Natalya/Nathalie will stay as prominent characters throughout this fic, since it's Nathalie's campaign being worked in, and Natalya's character is being roleplayed. Really, Natalya/Nathalie seem to be all that's keeping Vince and River talking to each other, since they can't seem to stand each other much. No doubt you'll be pulling my heartstrings later. A character brought back to life and carrying on through the memories of those who loved her will do that. >.>

This story is definitely one that started out innocent and then ballooned into #tooreal territory waaaay too fast. Strap in for a ride.

I M A G O ? But yeah, my only complaint is that this is a bit tad of an abrupt ending. I think Vince giving River more shit about it would be in character and would add a bit more length to the scene so it feels less rushed. It doesn't seem unlike River to just bounce out of nowhere and not plan for how long he needs to dedicate to a campaign session, though, so I like the idea.

#bringherback??
#imagodei
The pacing of this chapter and the next one is something that I've struggled with -- it's mostly that the script format doesn't allow for simluating the passage of time very easily. Something I'm working on, I swear; I don't think it gets better in the next chapter but lmk your thoughts.

Second one from me, with (I think) new things to say. This is edited Judging, so there's the usual proviso that I'm being more picky than usual:

damn I post these updates + responses so fast :')

Vince is a throwback, no question. Although I wouldn't say totally unrealistic - there really are nerds in the world who love to show off what big nerds they are, and can't resist making fun of the normies. He is, perhaps, something of a cartoon in that regard. This is a real weakness, because among the really sharp observations (See Conclusion below) you have this caricature, a seasoned RPG player who is also possibly the worst DM for a beginner to come across (Although it has to be admitted, being such a bad DM is not necessarily unrealistic). And it sticks out.

Mmm. I do feel this. And I do hope that at least some (??) of it is the wordcount I had to work with here, and that a few more chapters will help flesh him out a hair. I'll keep an eye out though.

Vince's insistence on making stupid sex jokes is very typical, and I can easily imagine him being the guy who tries to derail every routine town visit, every climactic boss fight, with dumb innuendo and obsessing over finding a strip club.

careful what April Fool's chapters you wish for here

Awards review coming in!

First things first, I think I should make it clear that I was rather limited in what I could say and analyse as part of the awards. The 1.25 chapters that we currently have leave a lot to be desired. That is not because they are bad in any way, but simply that the introduction to this world is just so brief that trying to find a lot to say would end up doing a lot of nitpicking I don’t feel terribly comfortable with when a story has so little to go on.

No problem; I understand. I also understand I should probs update more than once every four months if I want to minimize this issue.

I do wonder if perhaps there is more to her death than this little prologue implies, or if we will see more of her somehow in the future, but I am intrigued to see how much her death factors into things going forwards.

Nah, it's not a murder mystery if that's what you're saying.
But it's definitely gonna hold to my standard themes of people trying and failing to deal with shit.

On that note though, my main criticism would be that, while the first chapter is great set up, set up that is written better than most people manage, at the moment there isn’t really anything to hook me into the story. River and Vincent meet, they start playing the game, and then River has to leave. It may be a simplistic take, but plot wise, there’s no big hook or gotcha-type moment that really draws me in. Only Nathalie’s death remains the ‘mystery’ element, and I kind of feel like I might be over reading that element. It is only really because of your reputation that I want to see what happens next.

That's a fair one. I'm really not sure what else I could do to work around it, though -- in terms of scope, this is a less grandscale story than I'm use to writing, and I think it shows a little. Two strangers play a board game. Shit hits the fan. At the same time, I wanted to keep things narrow; the conflict in this story isn't from the titular dungeons or dragonite, but instead from the characters. And lmfao I'm actually incredibly new to the character-driven front, so I'm having issues pitching it as a concept sometimes.

incredibly punctual update:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
II. TERATOGEN
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

invinceble updated the channel info for #chimerical.

Auril, Malar, Umberlee, and Talos. Long ago, the four ultra beasts lived together in harmony. Everything changed when Talos attacked. Only the great deity Silvanus, master of all elements, could stop her. But when the world needed her most, Silvanus vanished.

100 years passed and I found a new hope. Though her hammer skills are great, she’s got a lot to learn before she’s ready to save anyone.

But I believe Natalya can save Aloloss.

This is the story of Natalya the Invincible, Bucket Knight of Aloloss, and her companion Corvin, and the worlds they saved.

1:31 am
invinceble: @RiverL gotchu some backstory if you wanna catch up a little
invinceble: i realized i didn’t really explain that much just now

6:29 pm
RiverL: Oh, hey. That’s interesting! Give me a second to read up. Also, I’ll need to make dinner for Mallory real quick.

9:30 pm
RiverL: Isn’t this the plot of that movie with the blue people?
corvin: ah, shit.

invinceble updated the channel info for #chimerical.

Welcome to Aloloss, a land joined and divided by its waters. The world as we know it is guarded by four ultra beasts, beings of utmost power and grace. Unchecked since the death of their beastmaster, they have rampaged out of control, creating a world devoid of light.

Out of the darkness, two champions dared answer the call. Natalya the Invincible, Bucket Knight dressed only in the salvaged scraps of the burned mill she once called home, and Corvin, woodland archer. Their journey thus far has been perilous, but they have triumphed, defeating eight of the ultra beast’s minions as they push their way through their quest to purify Aloloss.

They are joined by a stranger, Sir River the Uninformed, but the road only grows yet darker. With the elite forces of the ultra beasts ahead of them, they prepare to finish their fight once and for all.

9:32 pm
RiverL: Oh hey, is Sir River me?
corvin: for now
corvin: you’re still about to die.
RiverL: Uh, right. Is there a way I can get a do-over since we didn’t really establish what my expectations and criteria were?
corvin: what is this, a school?
corvin: *for ants

9:33 pm
RiverL: I’m not an ant, no. But usually at work we establish expectations for our employees and give them a realistic set of criteria so that they know those expectations are met.

9:34 pm
corvin: yeah i'm not gonna do that
corvin: Nat and i didn’t really give a shit about that busywork
corvin: like in case you didn’t notice she dm’ed her own campaign lol
corvin: also i can’t just bring your character back to life whenever
corvin: suspension of disbelief
corvin: tension
corvin: etc etc

9:36 pm
corvin: okay i've seen you trying to type a response for like five minutes now
corvin: christ you type slow
corvin: hop on vc it’ll be faster

Voice chat in #chimerical initiated.
corvin jointed the voice channel.
RiverL: joined the voice channel.

RIVER: Uh, hi again.
VINCE: Hey.
RIVER: So anyway, I was trying to say that it’s a little unfair that you throw everything at me like that and then kill me and then—
VINCE: How long did you even spend making up that character?
RIVER: Huh? I didn’t spend any time. You made it all for me and then just threw it in there.
VINCE: Yeah, so if you die, we can just make another one. Easy money.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Oh. Huh. I never thought about it like that.
VINCE: Yeah, I figured we could just play it out and then start you over. Maybe in a non-combat situation. And maybe we’ll actually let you do a real backstory this time.
RIVER: I’d appreciate that.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: I have some questions about the backstory.
VINCE: Sure. Nat didn’t write either of the blurbs, so they’re kinda trash. Sorry. Not Sorry.
RIVER: Bucket Knight? How’d she become Bucket Knight?
VINCE: Dunno, she mentioned something about liking them from some vacation you guys took a while back.
RIVER: Huh, she never mentioned that. And that translates into her wearing a bucket on her head here because…?
VINCE: Oh, no, that’s because Natalya’s home got burned down by Talos right before the quest started. She wears the bucket on her head as a reminder of how she tried and failed to put out the flames before they consumed her family, and she swore in the ashes of that ruined windmill that she’d only take it off once Aloloss had a strong enough protector to ensure that no one else would have to hurt the same way she did.
RIVER: (PAUSE.) Jesus.
VINCE: Yeah, yeah, I know. First character backstories are always a little dramatic. This was one of our older campaigns, okay? There’s a lot of things we did wrong here — hell, I didn’t even know that Nat wasn’t supposed to DM and play at the same time — but we roll with it, you know?
RIVER: And what are all these names? Talos? Silvanus?
VINCE: They’re deities in this world. Legendary pokémon. If you played Pokémon Sun like you mentioned, you actually might recognize a few. Or you could google some. Or put in a bare minimum effort.
RIVER: I’m sensing a little hostility.
VINCE: Look. I’ll try to be a more explanatory DM and make fewer in-jokes to things that you’re probably too old of a geezer to recognize. In return, could you at least try to give a little bit of a shit? I really, really want this campaign to turn out well, but I can’t do it all for you. You’re going to need to pretend a little.
RIVER: Pretend?
VINCE: Yeah. I can write descriptions until my hands fall off but I’ll never be able to tell the story Natalya wanted to tell alone. It’s like reading a book. You can read the words, or you can immerse yourself in the environment and try to understand what the author was actually trying to do here. And like, okay, I’m not awesome at writing yet, so you’re going to have to immerse yourself real hard. (PAUSE.) And maybe use the google a few times.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Okay. I can do that.
VINCE: Cool. Ask me if you have any questions. Let’s jump back in. You start.

Sir River looks around.

VINCE: Aight, no. I’mma stop you there. Stop looking around. Don’t repeat the mistakes we made yesterday. Play with me. Don’t just watch. (PAUSE). See.

He looks up in the direction of what Vince says is the monster and —

Sir River sees it for what it truly is.

A hundred glittering blue eyes like dragonscales blinking out of the snow; it exudes an aura of fog that hides its true depth from view. Bricked-off feet of clay guarding the path to an interior as black as death. On eye, larger than the rest: dull, blind blue, laced with cataracts and decay.

The stench of rotting flesh fills the air, dripping from a maw lined with algae and filth that even the bricks cannot cover fully. Lightning crackles ominously from within the twisted hunk of rock and steel; an impenetrable fortress curled around a blizzard. The strangest thing is the lack of movement twined with the sense of boundless power — Auril stands stock still, but in the dark clouds beneath the brick exterior, endless movement seems to roil like a rising hurricane, a deep abyss of frigid cold, inviting the unsuspecting traveler to come a little closer, closer.

Stakataka, chaotic good, the Frost Maiden, she who outlasts all with the unyielding fortress of cold —

“Auril, oh Great One!” cries one of the Skulls holding Sir River’s arms, and he can see the man’s form now, clad in black save for the white markings on his face that trace out the skull that defines him. “We are the humble servants of you and the other Ultra Deities, and we bring you this non-believer as a sacrifice so that he may please your endless and glorious wrath, blessed may it be.”

The ghastly collective of blue eyes open and close in response.

RIVER: Okay. I see now. (PAUSE). Am I dead?
VINCE: Right now? No. Next turn? Yeah, probably.
RIVER: Are you gonna come save me?
VINCE: You’re like three minutes into your character and you managed to get yourself sacrificed to an Ultra Deity at full health with like eight Beast Boost stacks. Corvin is an asshole chaotic good who won’t put anyone else first, but Natalya is the noble crusader sort of type — except she’s definitely too far away to reach you now.
RIVER: So that’s a no?
VINCE: Most definitely.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Vincent, I’m sorry for pissing you off earlier. I realize you probably took this a lot more seriously than I was and it hurt you that I was making fun of this.
(PAUSE.)
VINCE: I actually appreciate that a lot. (PAUSE.) But I can’t god-mod you back into a not-dying position. Sorry. That’s not really how the game works.
RIVER: That’s fair. I guess.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: How many turns do you think I have before it kills me?
VINCE: Realistically, half. Maybe one. Ish.
RIVER: And how many Skulls would I have to fight past to escape?
VINCE: Let me count. (PAUSE.) Nine.
RIVER: Wow.
VINCE: Like I said, no pressure. We can just start you with a new character and this time, build it better.

Sir River looks back at the foul stench of the Ultra Deity Stakataka. There’s no comfort to be had in staring down death’s throat, and as he struggles to find out what the last half-action in his admittedly short and somewhat pointless existence in Aloloss would be, he finds himself thinking instead of Natalya.

He wants to feel stupid at first for the way his heart is racing and he actually, almost-to-god, feels a pang of sorrow at the thought of having Sir River’s life be snuffed out in a quick and brutal instant because of his mistakes. It doesn’t really feel right, and he puts that feeling up there with the giddy sensation of frisson he’d felt when Natalya had used her magic to heal him, the sheer weight of that impossibility tumbling on him like a brick wall. If River doesn’t bother squinting, Auril was just a key on a keyring, and all of these problems were just pocket lint from a faraway world that didn’t actually mean much.

But no. That magic was a reminder. This is a game about dungeons and dragonite. Maybe the point is that he’d spent too long trying to figure out what the cool thing was, or the clever thing, or how he could be just like Natalya… but maybe the real secret was that, in this world, he can do anything.

“Auril, oh Great One!” cries Sir River, not flinching back as the Skulls tighten their grip on his arms. “I am the humble servant of you and the other Ultra Deities, and I bring you these nine false prophets as sacrifices so that they may please your endless and glorious wrath, blessed may it be.”

Natalya, mid-rush to reach him, slows to a halt to look at him in shock.

The Skulls turn to look at him in horror.

(PAUSE.)
VINCE: Holy. Wow. You sure you don’t want to be a bard?
RIVER: What? Did I do something wrong?
VINCE: Man, I’m not supposed to be biased, but I can say it’s a pity I took so many points out of your charisma. You might be related to Nat after all. Uh. Roll for bluff.

Sir River rolled a 20-sided dice.
20.

(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Twenty. Is a twenty good? Big numbers were bad earlier when the Skulls hit. Are big numbers good now?
VINCE: Roll again for disadvantage for getting past Stakataka’s Iron Defense passive.
RIVER: Disadvantage?
VINCE: Roll twice; lowest one is what we use.

Sir River rolled a 20-sided dice.
20.

VINCE: You lucky son of a —

BIG WORDS FROM ONE SO SMALL. The hundred small eyes lace shut. The one nearly-blind eye opens to study the ten humans gathered in the snow. When the monster speaks, she rumbles; every syllable drips with decay. I LIKE YOU, she smirks. There is calm amusement in her voice. A singular black eyelid the size of a saucer opens and then closes as she studies them all, and then the myopic gaze focuses on River once more. IF YOU TRUST ME, HUMAN, DO NOT MOVE.

VINCE: Do you move?
RIVER: No.

The Stakataka does not move either. Nine tongues of frozen stone, ends writhing wildly like headless snakes, explode out of the ground and come crashing back down with deadly precision. Half a second later, the field is devoid of Skulls, and Sir River stands amidst nine pairs of pillars of stone and nothing else.

YOUR SACRIFICE IS ACCEPTED. YOU ARE QUITE BOLD TO OFFER THAT WHICH YOU NEVER HAD, rumbles Auril. Stomping footsteps pull the beast with agonizing slowness so that she towers over Sir River, casting a shadow over the entire plains. WHO ARE YOU, THAT YOU WOULD ATTEMPT SUCH A THING?

River swallows. “I am Sir River,” he says quietly. His gaze, perhaps unconsciously, flicks over to Corvin and Natalya, who watch the scene from a distance. Compared to the earth-shattering growl of Auril, his words feel quiet and empty, but he tries to give them as much meaning as he knows how. “I am Sir River the Uninformed.”

WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE IN THESE LANDS, SIR RIVER THE UNINFORMED?

His purpose? Sir River stares back at the Ultra Deity for far longer than in appropriate, and all of his clever words have stuck to the back of his throat. He tries to remember the frantic overview he had gotten, a mishmash of Capital Nouns and quests and something about MacGuffins…

“I’m here to aid Natalya the Bucket Knight and Corvin on their quest,” he says at last. The words are heavy on his tongue, but not in the way he’d expected — now, he feels almost regal, like he’s about to jump off the edge into something far deeper than he’d expected. “And I swear on my axe that I will see them through to the end.”

A NOBLE ANSWER, SIR RIVER THE UNLISTENING. NOW, ANSWER ME. IF YOU AID THOSE WHO SEEK SILVANUS, ARE YOU TRULY A SERVANT OF THE ULTRA DEITIES?

Well. Shit. He hadn’t considered that one.

“No.”

River can almost hear Corvin’s strangled gasp over his shoulder even though he’s supposed to be twenty feet away —

RIVER: I really do mean that; you’re breathing so heavily I can hear you over the microphone and its making my headphones fritz out.
VINCE: Right, sorry. Roll persuasion.

Sir River rolled a 20-sided dice.
20.

There’s a long silence. The breeze blows through the snow, chilling to the bone.

THAT WAS A VERY STUPID ANSWER THAT YOU JUST GAVE.

Sir River winces and waits for a pillar of stone to crush him into oblivion.

STUIPD, YES, BUT BRAVE. I AM MOST IMPRESSED BY YOUR HONESTY. SOMETIMES COURAGE IS THE ONLY WAY THROUGH A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE. YOU HAVE SPOKEN TRULY. I DEEM YOU WORTHY OF PASSING MY TRIAL. The enormous monster leans over Sir River like a cantilevered strut, an enormous burden poised to collapse at any moment. All at once, the hundred ice-blue eyes that line Auril’s pillar-like legs snap open. YOU WILL NEED TO TRUST EACH OTHER IF YOU WANT TO PROPERLY AID THEM ON THEIR QUEST. YOU CANNOT BE SIR RIVER THE UNINFORMED ANY LONGER IN THIS WORLD.

Sir River opens one eye hesitantly as the stench of rot and decay suddenly intensifies. A blast of frigid breath explodes in in his face, flattens his hair and the snowbanks around him. Even through his pitiful excuse for armor, he suddenly feels so, so cold.

TAKE THIS. IT IS A TOKEN OF SILVANUS. IT MUST BE RETURNED TO THE SPIRE.

River looks up to see the gaping maw of Auril’s interior, swirling blue depths that seem to stretch deeper than the structure’s outer confines could imply. He holds one trembling hand out hesitantly, cringing away from the Ultra Deity.

Something cold and smooth falls hovers over his outstretched palm. River looks up to see a perfectly round sphere, curled like glass and the exact color of one of Auril’s hundreds of eyes blinking back at him, floating before him like a tiny planet.

“A Life Orb,” he hears Corvin whisper in a voice raw with reverence.

YES, CHILD. MY ESSENCE IS ALREADY IN IT. IF YOU SEEK SILVANUS, YOU WILL NEED TO COLLECT THE FAVOR OF THE OTHER THREE ULTRA DEITIES. MALAR, MY SISTER OF DESPAIR, AWAITS YOU IN THE EMPTY FOREST. YOU SHOULD SEE TO HER FIRST. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

“No,” River flusters, at the same time that Natalya confidently says, “Yes.”

Sir River gathers himself. “I mean, yes,” he says, straightening his back.

BE CAREFUL WITH IT. MORTALS ARE NOT MEANT TO HOLD A LIFE ORB FOR LONG. DO YOU SWEAR TO SEE THIS THROUGH TO THE END?

“Yes,” all three travelers say simultaneously.

VERY WELL. NOW GO. I MAY YET REGRET MY CHOICE TO SPARE YOU.

RIVER: So… I didn’t die?
VINCE: To everyone’s surprise, no. No you did not. Okay. Okay. Quick breather so you can properly meet the cast of characters you’re supposed to be saving the world with.

Standing on the left is a tall, waifish figure with black hair tucked back in a long, snaking braid. Ears taper off a little bit too much to be human, and the slant of silver eyes is haunting over high cheekbones. Both hands are covered in elbow-length archer’s gloves, and an ornate bow is slung loosely across one shoulder. “Hello. I am Corvin, woodland archer and defender of the forest.” Lightweight leather armor cannot fully cover the bright pink tunic beneath.

RIVER: Corvin?
VINCE: Yeah, that’s my character. And Natalya is Nat’s. They were our lives for like a year and a half. That’s why I was so surprised when you—
RIVER: Corvin.
VINCE: It means raven warrior. Woodland half-elf rogue; one of my skills lets me commune with wild —
RIVER: Cor-vin? And you made fun of me for using my own name? This is definitely one of those Mary Sue things.
VINCE: Do you want me to spend many hours of my life helping you with this dumbass request, or do you want to keep giving me crap for decisions I made when I was thirteen?
RIVER: Oh. Sorry. (PAUSE.) Why is he wearing a pink tunic?
VINCE: The Shroud of Fabulousness was a quest item that she got after helping Natalya defeat some randos from Kalossos.
RIVER: She? You made a girl?
VINCE: Is that a problem?
RIVER: Not a problem, but —
VINCE: Awesome, so in that case.

The other figure steps forward. “Greetings, Sir River the Unlistening,” she says gravely. Her voice echoes strangely in the wooden bucket-shaped helmet that she wears on her head, but she seems to pay it no regard; it must be normal to her by now. Her ensemble of armor is much less elegant than that of her companion; everything about her seems to be slapshod. Two kinds of shoulder guards sit atop a leather jerkin that gives way to plate mail pants, which look one size too big. One glove is grayed leather and the other is a thick, blackened steel gauntlet. A clawed, steel-plated left boot stands rigidly at attention with a right sandal. Fastened to her belt is an enormous golden-hafted hammer, the head of which gleams all the colors of the rainbow, depending on how it catches the light. She cuts an intimidating figure, a giant in mismatched weaponry who towers over Corvin’s slender figure beside her. Her voice is clear and pure. “I am Natalya, Bucket Knight and sworn defender of Aloloss.”

RIVER: I guess. (PAUSE.) Do I get a cool name too? ‘Sir River the Unlistening’ isn’t really cutting it.
VINCE: Did you listen to anything I just — okay, fine. Sure. Yeah.

“You’re going to need armor, Sir River the Oblivious,” Natalya says gravely. Her wooden helmet tilts up, and then down, as she studies River’s outfit with a discerning eyes that are piercing even through the slots in the helmet. “Your clothing is also made of a strange material. I doubt it will offer you much protection, and that team sucks anyway.”

River looks uncomfortably at his Patriots t-shirt.

RIVER: At least I’m not a pink archer trying to camouflage.
VINCE: Yeah, well, the Shroud of Fabulousness gives me +2 to all spell attack rolls. Do you want armor or not?
RIVER: You act like that’s supposed to mean something to me. And Sir River the Oblivious?
(PAUSE.)
VINCE: Fine.

“You’re going to need a weapon, Sir River the Unlistening,” Natalya says gravely. “With what will you defend the people of Aloloss? The road ahead of us is fraught with peril.

(PAUSE.)
RIVER: What am I supposed to do here?
VINCE: Just answer her. You can be stupid and have no armor, but you do need a weapon. The stuff out here is pretty high level. Answer her like you’re your character.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” River says astutely.

(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Vincent, I’m really struggling here…
VINCE: Just say something. You were doing really well in the Auril encounter. It’s a role play. You have a role. Now, play. Talk to her.
RIVER: Something?
VINCE: Anything.
RIVER: Anything?

River blinks, his mouth still hanging open, and then: “Hi, Allie. I'm... I'm really glad you came.”

(PAUSE.)

“That’s what she said,” Corvin mutters.

VINCE: Don't splutter like that. You are literally just feeding me these lines.

River grits his teeth. "Can I have one of those too?”

Corvin snickers for a moment, delicate features creasing into a smirk, but they fade away quickly. “You aren’t kidding?”

River looks back at forth between the archer and the Bucket Knight. “Um. No. Should I be?”

Natalya laughs. Even through the helmet, it sounds jovial, familiar, well-used. The leather-clad hand strays to the crystalline hammer at her hip. “Sir River, this is the Really Killy Sledgehammer of Unstoppable Legend and Murderdeath—”

“—Forged from the steel of a dying star, the last gift of Magearna to this mortal realm—” Corvin chimes in.

“—Tempered in the fires of the forge of Volcanion, blessed by each of the Guardians of Aloloss—”

“—infused with the light of seven when it was quenched in the heart of the black god Necrozma—”

“—and ultimately given new form and rebirth. It has a mind of its own sometimes; it sings for justice and longs to cleanse the world of evil. Even I cannot always contain it,” Natalya finishes. The haft of the hammer hums alongside her, lending a strange timbre to her words.

RIVER: I’m pretty sure that’s not a sledgehammer. It’s probably more of a maul, or maybe a one-sided axe...
VINCE: What? It’s clearly a giant hammer.
RIVER: Okay, look, I work at Home Depot and sledgehammers have two symmetrical faces and are more commonly used for —
VINCE: Okay, look, fuck semantics. The Really Killy Sledgehammer is also a character-locked quest item, so only people who were on the quest can possess it. Untradeable even if I wanted to ruin her gear, which I don’t. No duplicates.

River pauses; his words feel empty after the speech he just witnessed. “So that’s a no?”

Corvin’s voice is deadpan. “On getting her hard, hard hammer? Most definitely.”

There’s a long pause.

Natalya rummages around for a moment in her pack and then pulls out what looks like an axe. “Here,” she says at last, holding it out to River. The handle is worn with use, but the blade seems lovingly polished. “We are indebted to you for assisting us in our fight with Auril. This was my first weapon, and it’s travelled with me from my home until now. It served me well in many fights, and I know it will protect you as well.”

River looks at the axe awkwardly.

VINCE: You’re supposed to put it in your inventory. Here. That little blank that says equipment, write it down here.
RIVER: Ah. So we won? That’s it? Not gonna lie, I thought I was a goner for basically all of that.
VINCE: Yeah, so did I.
RIVER: That was actually really fun.
VINCE: You think so?
RIVER: Yeah. I didn’t expect it, but I enjoyed it a lot.
VINCE: I’m glad. We’ll make a good paladin out of you yet.
RIVER: A what?
(PAUSE.)
VINCE: Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to make some dumb excuse about how you have work and can’t stay up past midnight—
RIVER: Oh, crud, it’s past midnight?
VINCE: There we are. And then you’re going to read this link I’m sending you.
RIVER: What’s this?
VINCE: It’s the Player’s Handbook. A general overview to Dungeons and Dragonite. Trust me, you’re gonna need it.
RIVER: Why?
VINCE: Because, if you wanna come back tomorrow, Corvin and Natalya are gonna start hunting down the rest of the Ultra Deities, and they’re going to need all the help they can get. And, no offense, you got the luckiest dice rolls I’ve ever seen but I don’t think you’ll get this lucky ever again.
(PAUSE.)
RIVER: Thanks, Vincent. I’ll see you tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *​

 

[Beth Pavell]

Ok, so first things first, this looks like the dialogue got swapped round:

RIVER: There. Okay. Now, adding both of these together and going up against your armorless defense stat, you take… (PAUSE.) 16 damage.
VINCE: Uh… okay. Is that bad?

I'm going to be a bit blunt here, because it's you and I know how you look at criticism. All that lore Vince babbles before they restart the game? Cut it right down. 200 words, 250 at the very most. I get the point you're trying to make. And yes, it is a classically nerdy thing to go on and on (Barely coherently) about Lore to an apparently willing audience who knows nothing about it.

But here's the problem. It hardly adds anything to the story. If you're familiar with pen-and-paper RPGs you'll be frustrated with just how badly Vince is running this game. If you're not, you're as bored and frustrated as River is. And at the end of it you already made the point in the first chapter - Vince's admission that he really was dense enough not to notice this:

You really know literally nothing about this game.

works without you hammering the point home in this chapter. Now there's a compliment in there, if you want to look at it that way. You got your point across in chapter one without needing all that many words to make it.

River's being pretty wooden-headed about the idea of the game. When it comes to him refusing to understand the point of the makeshift map you can kind of see why Vince thought he was being deliberately obtuse. I have my doubts about how good Nat really was, mind. Probably this is deliberate, since we all grow as players (And GMs), and old games that seemed awesome were probably riddled with flaws. Like subjecting a player to a glorified cutscene while they wait to inevitably fail rolls and die.

 

[kintsugi]

I'm going to be a bit blunt here, because it's you and I know how you look at criticism. All that lore Vince babbles before they restart the game? Cut it right down. 200 words, 250 at the very most. I get the point you're trying to make. And yes, it is a classically nerdy thing to go on and on (Barely coherently) about Lore to an apparently willing audience who knows nothing about it.

Nah, that’s totally fair; the pacing on this chapter was pretty whack and I didn’t reallt have a good solution. A lot of this is a relic of the original format—I intended for this to be a one-shot, but it’s closer to novella length, so what flows okay in a single sitting ends up looking super shitty as a chapter hook.

What are your thoughts on current chapter length (not strictly pacing, just how long it takes to read the words)? I have a weird time gauging how long to make these because of the script format but I’m considering going for longer chapters to ease with how weird these “previously on the last episode” segments feel in the flow.

River's being pretty wooden-headed about the idea of the game. When it comes to him refusing to understand the point of the makeshift map you can kind of see why Vince thought he was being deliberately obtuse. I have my doubts about how good Nat really was, mind. Probably this is deliberate, since we all grow as players (And GMs), and old games that seemed awesome were probably riddled with flaws. Like subjecting a player to a glorified cutscene while they wait to inevitably fail rolls and die.

nO sPoIlErS

 

[AceTrainer14]

#24hourblitzer

I am going to sound a little like a broken record here. This was as enjoyable, witty and well written as your work always is. I particularly enjoyed the sequence around the Stakatakata - the mesh between modern day humour and the old fashioned language that makes up the backbone of these games was delightful and worked seamlessly together. However, it is more the quality of your writing that makes me want to read more rather than the story itself. The stuff between River and Vince this time lacked the spark and awkward meet-cute that made up the first chapter, and it felt like decoration to break up the fantasy sequences. The use of the items in his pocket was funny, and some of their banter zinged, but there's nothing really there.

I think that's what I was saying in the last review about there not being a big hook or anything - so far, there's not really any conflict or hints of the examination of grief, it's mostly two straight (acting?) boys talking about a game. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and the content of the game itself is holding them along. But I think there either needs to be some more investment in the progress of the game plot or there needs to be something else between the two of them. Nothing major like, I don't know, an exploding watchmakers headquarters, that would just be ridiculous, but something that shows there is more to them than just buying couches and playing a game. This chapter even started relatively abruptly and dove right in with a 'Hey there'; 'Oh hey, let's play!', which doesn't do a lot to make these characters zing (If I might suggest, you could start the chapters occasionally with the game itself rather than with them meeting?)

Semi-agree RE the info dump, but I don't think it impaired things much as it was a quite breezy read. Which points to the fact that, again, this is some light fun that is elevated by your phenomenal skills. I totally support you trying something on a smaller scale and commend you on how well you have managed to write an engaging story that is largely just dialogue, but I do hope there is something that comes up soon to give us more than a Twitch transcript*

*Apologies if that is harsh!

 

[Beth Pavell]

What are your thoughts on current chapter length (not strictly pacing, just how long it takes to read the words)? I have a weird time gauging how long to make these because of the script format but I’m considering going for longer chapters to ease with how weird these “previously on the last episode” segments feel in the flow.

Vincent's running a bad game, so the chapter is always going to feel longer than it really is. With his babbling savagely cut down it would be, by most measures, a short chapter, but bearing in mind the game itself is full of bad explanations and River not really trying, so I doubt it would feel lightning-fast.

Script doesn't read that much faster than any other prose, to my mind, because you still have to concentrate on the dialogue to keep up.

 

[kintsugi]

Woah what's this?? Updates?? In the name of justice??

Completely reformatted chapters one and two based on feedback from Pav and Ace -- I'm hoping to tackle the formatting issue, the dated feel, and the pacing fuckery.

Chapter 3 + format edits coming tonight; thank you all for sticking with <3

 

[namohysip]

This is instead the story of the boring older brother. His name is River.

What… did I just read?


Hey there! You’re part two of two for my gift exchange / review assignment / whatever that event is called at this time of year! And because of that, I’m gonna read everything that’s posted as of now (So, that’ll be three chapters) and give my thoughts both as I go, and as I finish each chapter. I have ZERO idea what’s going on, but you know what? “And now for something completely different” sounds like the most appropriate opener to this. What in the world was that epitaph?! Guess I’ll have to keep going to find out…


Chapter 1

do you even know what pokemon is

At this point I know what sort of… fic…? this is going to be, and to be honest, I’m not sure if this is actually a chatlog or not or anything. All I know is that I really like where this is going as a casual… read… okay look, I genuinely don’t know how to describe this at all. I’m partway confused and partway entertained while going. Is that what you were going for? …Are you going for something at all?! What’s happening?!


Anyway, this quote is what made me sorta smirk, because this sounds like the typical snark I’d expect from a newcomer who doesn’t seem to know anything about what they’re doing, or is at least, well, trolling them, as said in the chatlog.

invinceble: @RiverL dm me please

Did… did a chatlog just catch my interest? How the hell did you do that?!


To be honest, I didn’t take what was said in the epitaph seriously. I thought it was just you being funny. But no, at this first chapter, what was said about Nat and what happened to her suddenly came together and I realized there might actually be something here more to this story than I thought. I thought it was just going to be some random whatever story for fun. I mean—pardon my judgement, but it just came with seeing the script format. But this is reading like a sort of “rescued from the Internet” chatlog history files, and I’m a sucker for those types of creative media.

Okay, River seems like a super clueless person, even I’m able to catch onto the basics of this, but wow, boy is he slow. He had to be told this stuff perhaps three times? But either way, this is an interesting take. Let’s keep going before I put overall words on this.


Chapter 2

Sir River rolled a 20-sided dice.
20.

So, I was recently doing a similar game of homebrew DnD for Pokémon Mystery Dungeon with more emphasis on roleplaying and less on stats and numbers, so we did a simplified 6-sided die for success, with some small bonuses as needed. And for a critical moment, my good ol’ Owen rolled a 6+1. These are the moments I live for.


Okay, enough nostalgia. Let’s see where this is going. Also, rolling two 20s in a row is insane, but technically not impossible, heh.


THREE twenties?! Alright, now we’re entering “fate” territories. Is someone’s spirit nudging River’s odds in the right direction?!

“You’re going to need armor, Sir River the Oblivious,”

You know what, yeah. Yeah. That’s… that’s the title.


What in the world did I just read? Just going to say that again. I have never read something like this on the forums, and you know, if it wasn’t for the fact that it was based on Pokémon, I legitimately would have considered this to just be an original and nonstandard fiction work.

I don’t have a whole lot to say beyond that. That’s all that has been written so far! I don’t really know where the story is going, and I don’t really know what the whole… purpose of this work is, but I have this odd feeling that there’s more to it than a simple DnD game, and we’re going to get more between Vince and River throughout these installments. At least, that’s my personal hope or expectations to make this feel more than just a silly romp. No. It can’t be that, can it? The prelude with a dead sister, finishing the campaign that was started… there’s already more here. And that’s what has me curious.


I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m going to be keeping an eye on this… script-ish-fic.

 

[canisaries]

Hey there, I'm here for the Review Game, giving my thoughts on the first chapter (prologue included).

So, from the start, the premise is interesting: a brother diving into a foreign world of online tabletop his late sister frequented to better understand it and possibly her as well. At that level, it doesn't seem like there's any story reason for this to be a Pokémon crossover, but given I've written a bunch of stories that are only really Pokémon on technicality, I'm no one to point fingers. Plus, the main draw of the story seems to be the DnD element, and combining that with Pokémon makes for another spin on the element - and in the end, a worldbuilding crossover still needs a story to string it together.

Having a protagonist unfamiliar with DnD is beneficial as it helps exposition be more natural, both making the story more available for non-DnD people and allowing the crossover elements to be showcased. However, I did still find myself confused at a few spots because of the presentation - though not necessarily because of the DnD elements themselves.

Using an unconventional medium - in this case, chat logs (and a bit of script at the end) - has its ups and downs. It can be unique in how it tells a story and give the reader (and writer!) a whole new kind of experience, but it may also bring confusion and difficulty in troubleshooting problems. In chat logs there's also the danger of having the language used become dated very fast, but you're probably well aware of this. For now it still holds up well and feels like a genuine modern Discord log as it doesn't lean on any extremely short-lived memes (the butterfly image has a longer shelf life due to it already being old before its recent resurfacing).

With that in mind, most of the story makes sense and is easy enough to follow. On what confused me, most of it is due to the DnD description mechanic. I had to reread the parts a couple of times until I realized how it worked, and I'm still not sure if I understand it right.

At first I considered it some kind of text generator (which would be pretty impressive, I know) since Vince described it as a "server function" and it had no sender name. Then I started thinking it was a bot post that was triggered by certain syntax including the narration and would delete the message calling it for cleaner history, though then realized it still wouldn't explain the lack of a sender tag as the rules bot has it (and as far as I know, all messages on Discord do). Then I thought it could have been the message of the description's author automatically edited to appear a certain way through some bot with those rights and they were actually included in the message sent right before them, hence sharing the same sender tag - but then I found instances where the message sent before wasn't by the one who narrates.

Why does this all matter? Because it confused me on who actually wrote the description in a few places, which snowballed into not understanding the situation properly. Because I couldn't tell certain lines were written by River, I was confused why Vince seemed multiple times like he was about to throw in the towel since I didn't make the connection that it was not bothering with letting River write narration.

For another example, there's this part:

“Sir River,” Corvin growls through gritted teeth. “You aren’t going to get very far if you won’t even acknowledge that the enemies we’re facing are actually around us.”
“But I don’t even know how to play the game!” River protests.

I'm honestly not sure who wrote the second line. It's way too meta for Vince, but there's no blank space between it and the first line, which makes it look like it's part of the same paragraph. But if River wrote the first line, he certainly wouldn't have written the second...?

I mean, it could very well be that I'm just personally dumb for not figuring this all out, but chances are that if I'm confused, some other people are too, so I'm saying it to be sure. Furthermore, I should add that when features unimportant to the story itself but fitting to the style, such as timestamps and username colors, as implemented, a reader assumes that the lack of something actually means it is absent in-universe, unless it's justifiably too hard (or bothersome) to pull off in BBcode.

The other stuff that confused me I've pretty much managed to make sense of by rereading. There's a couple quotes I didn't understand the meaning behind, though:

They pick off where they left off, scattered pieces on an adventure that’s only now remembering to take a breath.

Not understanding this doesn't detract from the story in any big way, but the second clause had me scratching my head in what it was actually meant to convey.

Also, this showcases how the narration gets kind of overly purple. I'm open to the interpretation that Vince is just trying too hard... but in the end, one has to remember that clunky prose in a story is still clunky prose and that realism isn't always an improvement to a story. "Sweeping plains full of snowy grass roll in undulating hills across the horizon" has a lot of adjective bloat, and sentences like that can be slow to get through. Your call where to draw the line, though. (As is really everything else in this review. It's your story and my views are subjective, after all.)

RiverL: Skulls? But it’s just text.

For pretty much all of the chapter I could understand River's thought process, but I really don't know what went through his brain here. It should make sense to anyone who knows what a story is that a character within one would react to its events. The environment was also "just text" and he showed no problem with that. Was he surprised at there being NPCs or something along those lines? I just don't get where a line like this could come from.

Lastly, some possible continuity errors:

• I thought it was somewhat odd that Vince took River's request to "make sense" of the document as a request to play the game and was right. Maybe in an earlier version he more specifically asked to play and that got lost during editing?
• River refers to his sister as being a DM as he shares the document, but later asks what it means as if he wasn't aware. Surely he must have been in order to use it in the context in the first place, though?
• River refers to Vince as "Vincent" despite him never being referred to in this way before. Granted, it's possible River just extrapolated from what he had and wanted to be formal, but that's a bit like calling someone who goes by Jenny "Jennifer". You can't know if that's actually the name they have on their birth certificate.

Moving on to some technical stuff. I spotted a bunch of what I think are formatting errors, as they don't seem to have a pattern or meaning to them. I happened to mark them down, so I may as well describe where and what all of them are:

Spoiler: List of (assumed) errors

• Missing newlines before timestamps 9:42, 9:45, 10:28, 10:30
• Missing newlines after "gimme a sec" and "Nat blocked it"
• Rogue BBcode tags:

  corvin: [/B][/B]type /1d20

  UhRiverL: Uh, okay. I’m sorry. Let me think for a second.[/font]

• Timestamp 10:33 is in bold

Somehow my eye is just great at picking these up. shrug

To balance off all this negativity, I have props to give - not only on the genuine feel of the chat logs, but on managing to characterize people through such a limited medium. River is clearly a fish out of water not only in knowhow but online chat culture, and Vince visibly grows more frustrated at River, at the end giving us a hint of there being some baggage not dealt with regarding him and Nathalie.

I think I've already talked your ears off with my thoughts (despite them not having that much substantial to say), so I'll wrap this up. I don't think this is a bad story - it just didn't grab me, personally. I'm fairly sure it's largely due to my lack of interest for DnD, as I can imagine fans of it being much more interested in this. They have more to gain from the crossover elements and watching someone new being brought in. For me, though, my reactions were pretty similar to River's. Just can't wrap my head around this stuff - but hey, if it's fun for some folks, let 'em do it.

Sorry again for not having the best quality of feedback. Hope it's some help, at least. If you have questions, I'll be glad to answer them, either on here or Discord.