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Vincent's running a bad game, so the chapter is always going to feel longer than it really is. With his babbling savagely cut down it would be, by most measures, a short chapter, but bearing in mind the game itself is full of bad explanations and River not really trying, so I doubt it would feel...

Ok, so first things first, this looks like the dialogue got swapped round: I'm going to be a bit blunt here, because it's you and I know how you look at criticism. All that lore Vince babbles before they restart the game? Cut it right down. 200 words, 250 at the very most. I get the point...

Second one from me, with (I think) new things to say. This is edited Judging, so there's the usual proviso that I'm being more picky than usual: Being all of a prologue and first chapter, there's not a lot of plot, but what there is, is straightforward. The immediate strength is how efficiently...

Missing the plural there. With that out of the way ... hm. I found myself warming up to the script format of the Real World. It is a bit clunky at first and runs into the usual problems of two heads talking ... but I can see why you're doing it. I'm not completely sold on the set-up here. It...