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  1. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    Okay, late, but I see this was updated sometime when I wasn't feeling stuff so let's try this. - Splitting up? That seems all kinds of bad ideas. - These beetles are so dumb. What are they hoping to accomplish? There's not enough there for all of them. - Dig? I guess he forgot basic type...
  2. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - Kid's got some legs on him. - Nice mentioning of bitter medicine being that bitter in terms of gameplay, or something - And this is Clay, the guy who personally stepped up to whip Plasma. What's these Tectites got him all russled for? - Arti acting all hero now - Shoutouts to Orre. And see...
  3. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - Arti going shonen hero, almost - Make a thunder? Odd saying. There's a lot of it in this chapter. - Emolga speaks to her challenger? Is it...OH MY GOD IS IT A TALKING POKEMON - This is the weirdest interpretation of hurting self in confusion I've read - Huh, item use. - Lots of weird awkward...
  4. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    Reading this on three hours sleep and lying down with one of my arms kinda pinned. So - So it's ideal to win a Gym battle or something of the whatever? - "Yeah you tried your best Arti. The world's doomed but we have each other!" - Arti's response to battling is awkward yet very in character...
  5. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - The one thing I do like about your fic, as flawed as the writing sometimes is, is that you understand that the grunts in evil teams are supposed to be comedic relief in canon. - Although on the other hand, I am wondering just where in the hell Quake Industries Inc. is getting all these...
  6. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    Going to be a bit different than my usual style since my brain was too frazzled and unfocused tonight to go point by point. But I read the chapter. Have to say though, Bruin is among the most hilariously tryhard bullies I've ever seen in fiction. It's like he's spouting every cliche imaginable...
  7. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - I will never take the phrase gently caress seriously because of SomethingAwful using it as a replacement for the f-word for non-registered users - Suddenly Arti is chivalrous. Maybe chauvinist too. But Mary doesn't seem to mind. - Awkwardly asking why she likes him. Maybe in the bad...
  8. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - Very strange metaphor. Makes it seem like the sun is afraid. - This dude, casually talking about capturing legendaries in Poke Balls. - You know I realize Quake Industries Inc. really was an Inc. company. - I like how you kind of get generic grunts sort of right in that dialogue. Comes across...
  9. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    Woo, been a while. Good to see this back though. Like this crazy little story, in spite of its flaws. Let's get right to it then, shall we? - Random giant musical props are the best kind, but are the ones over the musical theater really random? - Like the boxing ring concept for showing how the...
  10. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    C9 - Oh, it's pay after you rest. That is strange and unusual. - That feel when they have to recall the Ralts for safety reasons because of...some guy??? - How convenient. A Gallade evolution delivery service. - They are met with a different landscape? How is it different? - Guess the laboratory...
  11. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - Really like the scene setting you do for Black City. It's simplistic yet conveys a lot. - Wait is there free lodging at the hotel? She didn't need to pay or anything, it wasn't even brought up. - Love how naive Arti is. It's realistic. Somehow it works though??? - The members of the crowds are...
  12. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - But windswept hair feels good! At least to me! - Man Mary's line there about Black City's disagreements either reads so unnaturally or that she may be so much of an "informational" person she forgets the "practical" - Just a couple kids walking with supermassive Pokemon. - And I can see these...
  13. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - No punctuation in the quotes at some of the beginning points - Mary."We <- Missing space - Very strange narration, with it asking a NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z question right near the beginning too. - Quake Industries Inc., which is my official nickname for it until it is officially named...
  14. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    Going to be less complete in C4 because my stupid app wiped out half the stuff. Hopefully I remembered most of what I had to say. C4 - Remember the cardinal rule is to generally show, don't tell. This infodump really doesn't work so well since it seems more made up on the spot, rather than...
  15. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - As brief as it is, is neat to see healing items being paid attention to. And hey buying Ethers too. One good thing about this town. - Again, make sure you break paragraph whenever a new speaker comes in. - Man okay that scene didn't read as intended. Even with what happened before, Arti is...
  16. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - Opening sentence is a bit awkwardly phrased - at all during noon <- They just looked for him at noon? That's it? - The superior, huh? Kind of an awkward way to refer to the town leader, but I strangely don't dislike it. It almost gives it a police state and/or cult like feel. Which it kind of...
  17. System Error

    TEEN: The Journey to Mend Broken Things

    - In the simple town called Lacunosa Town <- towns are towns when they are towns. - Interesting narration style. - Weird world. So like it's forbidden to leave unless you get permission? - just some Roggenrola and Woobats minding their own business <- Inconsistency in whether or not to use an S...
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