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Ah, right. It doesn't show here, but she's going to use the leaf as bait for a rare kind of larva that lives underground. Do tell, I'm interested in all opinions. Best to do on my profile or PMs though in order not to clutter this thread.

@Nitro Indigo I like the bait and switch on that transformation realization! Don't think this part is really needed. Her being able to describe someone's aura in the first place tells us she can sense them. The journey with Wes doesn't seem to have a reason to be brought up here, so you can...

@Cresselia92 Had a read through, looks pretty good to me. Characters are distinct. Gotta warn you though: here it's not yet a problem, but beware of using too many descriptors like "the water pony" in the future. Names and pronouns are usually just fine.

@jasonwolf there is a lot of telling and not showing in this, especially in the dialogue. a lot of things are just told in the dialogue tags, and they don't shine through from the dialogue itself. for advice on this, i'd really recommend imagining how you yourself would speak/act. it's a way...

well, "though" is just a word that sounds kinda casual or juvenile to me, plus the lack of commas around the word contribute it a lot. shortening sentences works by separating the actions into their own sentences instead of having multiple things happen in one sentence. that's how i do it...

@Flaze the sequence of events seems pretty good, but the prose is a bit off. the sentences are pretty long - shorter sentences typically give better emphasis to strong emotion and the feeling of not really understanding what's going on. some sentences are kinda weird, for example the phrasing...

@Beth Pavell yeah, there's a reason, and it's in the short story preceeding it. though i guess it couldn't hurt to add the frozen part to the description of the contents of the bag. well, i'm not great at reviewing expositionary text, but i'll try anyway since i suppose a lacking comment is...

thanks for the input, i've tried revising some parts slightly: sound better? it tones down the expectations of "fast".

this thread is the best thing since sliced bread, i swear... such a great opportunity to learn not only your own mistakes but those of others. so anyway, i'm writing a oneshot, and i've finished the first portion, but i'm not sure if it's uhh... genuine-sounding or so, i mean dialogue and...

well, all i could see was some missing letters and apostrophes. what i mean by that is: perfectly understandable. (meanwhile i have a scottish chat friend who writes in scots and figuring out what he's saying is a real learning experience)