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TEEN: A Blazing Final Battle

Fan of Jarrus

Kanan Jarrus is a Noble Jedi
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The battle between Victor and Leon. Victor attempts to quicken the battle as the Champion's injuries are severe.
I learned how to write a battle scene from someone. They really helped.

*

Victor’s body tensed as he stopped a few feet away from Leon. The Champion still looked very frail from the injuries he received from Eternatus. I cannot persuade him to not to fight. Victor lowered his head, him rushing into the battle had done this to Leon.

“Victor.” Leon’s voice got his attention. His eyes blazed as he smiled. “Aren’t you ready for the hardest battle of your life?”

“I am.” Victor gave a stiff nod. He shoved away the negative feelings, now was not the time.

"My matches are always sold out, but this...” Leon glanced to the audience, his voice filled with amazement. “I've never seen a crowd this wild!" They are aware of the state of the Champion, but they still watched.

Everyone around them was cheering. Victor clutched Dover’s Poké Ball and whispered. “Ready, partner?” Sweat dripped down his forehead as he faced Leon.

"Everyone knows what you did for us recently, Victor...” Leon’s words brought the memories back. “They know you're the one who caught Eternatus and saved the future of the Galar region."

But you were the one who weakened Eternatus… Victor wanted to reply. If you did not, it would had killed us.

Leon continued with his praise. "A real hero, who battled alongside the Legendary Pokémon, Zacian and Zamazenta... I couldn't have dreamed of a better challenger to help increase my winning streak!"

But you got injured because of us… Victor held back his words. Had Leon forgot that he nearly died? Or that injury meant nothing to him?

"Come on, Victor!” Leon yelled with determination. “Let's make this a final match that'll go down in Galar's history! No! A match that'll change Galar forever!" Doing his famous pose, the Champion said his catchphrase. "We're gonna have an absolute champion time!"

Victor got ready to let out Dover. “He is serious, partner.” He watched Leon got himself to focus and the Champion threw off his cape.

“Go on, Charizard!” Leon’s voice shook a bit as he released the Fire/Flying type. Charizard roared as he landed. His tail flame burned brightly. When Victor released Dover, Charizard smirked. He dived for the Inteleon with sharpened talons.

Dover fired a Snipe Shot, sending Charizard crashing into the ground.

Victor caught Leon wiping blood from his chin. The audience did not seem aware about the Champion’s condition, but was clear that his wounds have not healed. Leon, you are not fully recovered, Victor thought. He looked to Dover’s Poké Ball and whispered. “I cannot continue if Leon is still injured.” Fear filled Victor’s mind. What if Eternatus had affected Leon for the rest of his life? I’m sorry, Leon.

“You are hesitating.” Leon looked at Victor with blazing eyes. His voice was strained. But that would not stop the Champion. "I'm not finished having a champion time here! And I won't let anyone finish it for me!"

He is not going to stop, Victor called out Dover. “We will finish this, Leon!” If they deal with this quickly, Leon should be able to rest.

Dover faced Charizard and hissed. “Yes, we shall.

“Now, Dover, use Whirlpool!” Victor commanded.

“Charizard, Flamethrower!” Leon yelled as he clutched his side.

The Inteleon whipped up a Whirlpool and sent it at Charizard. Just as the Fire/Flying type aimed a Flamethrower at him. The two attacks collided in an explosion of steam. Snarling, Charizard followed up quickly and hit Dover in the chest with Thunder Punch. Dover staggered back as the electricity stunned him.

Come on, Inteleon. Try to beat me down!” Charizard roared at Dover.

“Use Solar Beam!” Leon added with a determined shout, engrossed in the battle.

Dodge this. Victor’s body tensed. As Charizard absorbed the sunlight needed to launch his attack. Dover fired a Snipe Shot at Charizard from his finger.

The necessary energy gathered, Charizard snarled as he fired the beam at Dover. The Inteleon moved swiftly, meeting it with Ice Beam which crackled in the Solar Beam.

I shall for Victor and the rest of our team.” Dover pointed towards Charizard and glared. “We did not come here for defeat.

"I'll show you what Charizard can really do! It's Gigantamax time!" Leon declared to Victor as he recalled his partner. A second later, the Champion tossed the enlarged Ultra Ball behind him. Charizard appeared out of the Ultra Ball and grew larger and larger.

A moment later, the gigantic Fire/Flying Pokémon grew to his fullest. Sporting wings of fire, and gave a mighty stomp. Charizard roared at Dover as he looked down with blazing eyes. Victor felt a rush of amazement seeing Gigantamax Charizard in the flesh.

Victor recalled Dover and powered up his Poké Ball with Dynamax energy. Then he threw the enlarged Poké Ball over his head. The Inteleon appeared behind Victor and grew taller and taller on his spiralling tail. Now Gigantamaxed and matching Charizard in height. “We can do this, Dover.” Victor whispered to his partner. Dover looked down to him and nodded.

“Let’s go! G-Max Hydrosnipe!” Victor called, pointing forward. Dover responded swiftly, getting his water gun and shooting a concentrated stream at Charizard.

“Use Max Overgrowth!” Leon commanded Charizard, who stomped the ground and produced a multitude of vines that ensnared Dover. The Inteleon hissed when the force of the attack nearly knocked him down.

“Follow up with Max Lightning!” Leon called as tiredness slipped into his voice.

The Gigantamaxed Flame Pokémon’s body lit up with electricity, and he sent a great bolt of lightning at the Gigantamax Inteleon. The attack was powerful enough to electrify the whole battlefield. Dover held on, though he had suffered a lot of damage.

You are not going to take us down, Leon, Victor thought, looking at the Champion. He was breathing with a lot of effort. Leon looked like he could fall down and start bleeding again. But please be careful. Victor turned to his partner. “Dover, Max Darkness!”

Two tendrils of Dark energy shot out from Dover’s gun and headed for the opponent. Leon and Charizard were just as quick to retaliate. The former commanding the latter to strike with a hardened glowing fist. The two attacks collided with enough force to knock the audience off from their seats. If it weren’t for the barriers fortunately keeping the audience from getting hurt by the Gigantamax Pokémon. Dover and Charizard glared at each other.

"It’s a champion time to turn up the heat! Charizard, time for our G-Max Wildfire!" Leon yelled as he managed to do his famous pose.

“Dover!” Victor yelled as the flaming bird came for his partner. His heart raced as he bird got closer. “G-Max Hydrosnipe!”

Dover pointed his water gun at Charizard and released to powerful jets of water. The attack hissed as it met the fire in a cloud of steam. But the G-Max Hydrosnipe did not stop the G-Max Wildfire. The intense flames reached the Secret Agent Pokémon and swirled around him, damaging him more. Dover tried to get rid of the flames, but it still burned. The Inteleon was able to pass out.

“Come on!” Victor cried and encouraged his friend. “This won’t end now! Dover, keep going and use Max Darkness!”

I will keep winning for Leon! You will not take me down easily!” Charizard roared as his wings burned brighter. “Just try and soak me, Inteleon!” He met Dover’s Max Darkness with another Max Lightning. “I always will take any water attack!

Right now…” Dover hissed, not letting himself fall. “The hail will rain down.” His Max Hailstorm chilled Charizard. The Fire/Flying-type growled when the hail pelted him.

“Dover, use Max Phantasm!” Victor ordered, to the Water-type levitated several loose objects with Ghost energy and slammed them into Charizard. The hit lowered Charizard’s Defence.

Leon, I am going to finish him!” Charizard roared, sending out another G-Max Wildfire. Dover countered with shots of water that hit the flames. The two powerful attacks clashed and caused and explosion that hurt both Pokémon.

Victor looked up, his heart pounding. Dover hissed, about to collapse. “Dover…” Victor trailed off. His partner should not push himself. You did so well. Victor got out Dover’s Poké Ball.

That very moment, Charizard stumbled. The entire stadium froze.

Again. The ground at Charizard’s feet shook with dirt.

One final time, the Dynamax Energy flowed out from Charizard in the form of a small explosion. He roared as he collapsed, reverting, and Leon quietly recalled him.

We beat him… It took seconds to dawn on Victor, they had won.

Against the unbeatable Leon.

Victor recalled Dover as the Water-type began releasing his excess Dynamax Energy. Thank you, partner. Everyone. Victor smiled. He looked towards Leon. The now former Champion had obscured his face with his hat.

Victor stood motionless, his surprise still got a hold of him. “Can I be…” He saw Leon throw off his hat and told the audience that his time as Champion is over.

Leon walked over to Victor. “Congratulations, Victor.” He smiled warmly, though blood still dripped down his chin. “Now that you’ve grown so strong, perhaps it’s time I started looking ahead myself. It’s time we adults started working on improving the here and now, for the sake of all that’s to come!"

“You are okay?” Victor’s question came out as a whisper. Even if Leon had two failures in a row, he was still a hero.

Leon nodded, pushing away the fatigue. “I will be…” But his heavy, laboured breathing told Victor he was not. Victor readied himself to catch the former Champion if he collapsed. But after shaking hands with him, Leon turned towards the crowd. "People of Galar! Here you have it! A new legend born right before your eyes!"

An intense feeling flowed through Victor’s body as he listened to the audience cheering. I will do my best, Leon. He knew that he would have to. Though Victor expected that his role would have many challenges.
 
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So hey, I'm your Secret Santa for this, so let me get to Secreting Santa-ing and review this.

This was a very quick read and reading your stuff that you posted on the Discord made me thought this was much longer but I must of gotten that confused with your other fic.

First off, this story is much more script-like than a story like to me. Especially since you love using "Fire/Flying Type", even though you wouldn't use it in the way you're using it, more like "the giant flame-spouting lizard" is more preferably in scenarios like this unlike using the Pokémon's type, it just breaks the action so much and doesn't make it like sound like a story and more like a script for a play or other visual medium.

Plus a lot of the dialogue just seems stagnant to me some reason. The thought bubbles especially when a lot of them didn't need to be thought bubbles. I'm just getting nothing from this, and even still it seems more like your leaning more on text outside of the dialogue. You also don't need text to follow after every line of dialogue is spoken or even speech tags, it helps make scenes better and not clutter which it looks like this short story is filled with.

“You are okay?” Victor’s question came out as a whisper. Even if Leon had two failures in a row, he was still a hero.
Like this piece of dialogue is alright, but "You are okay?" makes no sense. I know it's weird thing to point out, but it shows that a lot needs to be looked over if you ever go back and edit the heck out this.

Another major problem I've seen which I can only name as character shilling in my opinion. I know you're a huge fan of Leon, but even in this small bite of work, you seem to just try and put him into every sentence or paragraph somehow. Like even though Victor did this, it was Leon regardless like the Eternatus fight even though in-game he really didn't weaken it that much and it was thanks to Zacian and Zamazenta that the player and Hop were able to do anything against it but apparently do this Leon did so much damage to it on his own where there's nothing to imply it to begin with. I understand there is modesty with Victor most likely downplaying his role but still. Not to mention with how much character shilling of Leon you're seemingly doing you're downplaying everyone else's roles, apparently Hop wasn't there neither were the Weapon Beasts Duo nor even Eternamax Eternatus, Leon did all the work and then Victor caught the damn thing and no one else helped is what you seem to be implying. I understand you love the character, but nobody not even Leon is perfect but constantly praising him especially for stuff he didn't really do and character shilling him almost every paragraph isn't going to keep readers interested in your work. There's more than just Leon, this is Victor's fight but you made it a lot more about Leon than it really should've been in my opinion.

Honestly, my final opinion on this small story is that it's not overly bad but needs a real big lookover and some major work on many parts. What it looks like to me that this is one of your first works and that's fine, we don't start out as perfect writers and we never become perfect writers. Trial and error is a major part of writing, and it looks like you just did the trial and then not bother with the error part of it which that is also fine for someone's first works, I was much the same with my first Zelda fic. You've put down the seeds for a really good dynamic version of the Champion Battle but it looks like you've yet to put into execution, take a look a back and see what you feel you can do to make it better.
 
Please note: The thread is from 3 years ago.
Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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