COMPLETE: A Da Vinci Smile (TEEN)

[SuperTrainStationH]

Re: A Da Vinci Smile (III)

Well, this has been open in my browser in a tab waiting for me to read it, having never even taken a glance at this user's writing before, and I have to say it was quite a treat. The opening with the description of the community center was entertaining, vivid, and added a lot of authenticity. I felt not only as though the narrator had been to that particular building, but I had as well. There's a vibe a lot of public buildings have and this really captured it. The rest of that first chapter kept me engaged too, and I liked the exchanges between Adèle, Josh, and Graham, as others have said, it was very believable.

I left the first chapter wondering how the coffee meeting (whether or not it ends up being a "date") between Adéle and Josh is going to go.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Re: A Da Vinci Smile (III)

Just a polite reminder that both A Da Vinci Smile and Josh are nominated in the Summer Awards - A Da Vinci Smile is nominated in Best Alternate, while Josh is nominated in Best Protagonist

 

[SerenaKetchum]

This was so adorable! Totes adorbs even.

I loved the characterization and realistic feeling I got from the duo's give/take back and forth.

 

[kintsugi]

*crawls in with characteristic slug-like speed*
(And heads up, currently no computer, so this is on my iPod, so tpyos. The last typo was intentionally ironic. The future ones will not be. XD)

I thought about dividing this into pieces, as I usually do, but I enjoyed this mini-bit as a whole rather than in the three parts. The demarcations are kind of clear and necessary for the relationship to go the way it does, so I wouldn't advocate joining them all together, but I did enjoy all three as a whole more than any individual one. They seemed to amount to something more, I guess?

That being said, I typically don't enjoy reading slice-of-life, and I particularly don't enjoy reading romance. Damn you and your wizardry for making this an incredibly delightful read.

So, thoughts. I was freaking out at first because I missed the Norway the beginning marking this as pre-TLW and I was completely floundering and nuuuuuuu, JoshxEve otp (so you can probably take that as another kudos for writing an excellent story from TLW, by the way). Also, your link to the third part is broken and refers back to the original post, I think, or my iPod is sploding from the stress of this.

And actual non-random thoughts. I can't quote for grammar, but there was a comma missing for a participle phrase at some point, which was so inconsequential to the story that I promptly forgot where it was, so have fun sleeping with that on your writing conscious. I'll find it again in a sec and leave this paragraph here for me to remind future self to get my ass in gear on that.

ANYWAY. THOUGHTS. The French bits were a bit grating--not because of any flaw in your French, which I assume is impeccable, but because of the plethora of flaws in mine. I've been piddling around with a translation book for about two weeks in an effort to cram-learn (long story; irrelevant), so I picked up more than I did on my first read-through, but it was kind of difficult piecing things together when the dialogue was in a foreign language. That being said, the French is incredibly vital to the story, and it clearly wasn't gratuitous/look guys I can speak French-esque, and I wouldn't suggest removing it. Providing in-text translations would be clunky. Therefore, what you have seems like the best option, although you should keep language stuff in mind if you intend to use it in the future--if anything vital happens in these instances, like the adorable flirting that I did manage to decipher, some of your readers will have absolutely no idea.

God this is so rambling and useless so far. I'm sorry.
This was an incredibly cute mini-thing. You conveyed a lot of Josh's hesitation and self-doubt in a little space, and I was impressed. In some places, it felt a little heavy-handed (the constant repeating of "she's out of your league" comes to mind), but overall you did an excellent job portraying babby Josh with his babby flirting. The interactions didn't feel awkward or forced, and you avoided the typical "hey let's suddenly fall in love" tropes that are typically in romantic shorts like these will still sketching out what I would've accepted as a realistic relationship. The whole "don't smell her hair, look at her eyes not her lips" killed me a little inside because of the cuteness, for some reason. Not sure why.

Aether pointed this out, but the ending does feel a bit anti-climactic, even if it was the only option. I'm really glad that you didn't make a miracle cure and left it more as a remembering deal, because that's probably the only ending I could've accepted. There's a lot of emotional punch in those last few paragraphs, though, and they really let me appreciate the buildup of the entire story you were telling here--Josh finally builds up his confidence a bit and is better than Graham and that's great, but he loses what he really wanted and that's sad, because he doesn't get the girl. I love how you treated this so nonchalantly, though. There's no angsty "oh my god the world is ending" feel to the whole thing; it's more mellow and accepting (ironically), and I find that all the more poignant.

All in all, nothing bad to say here. This was a lovely short, and while it really wouldn't make sense to mention in TLW, I can't help but wish for a cameo as well. XD

 

[Beth Pavell]

First of all, yaa-AY, kintsugi liked it! And I got a long review from an iPod - in your face, rivals! As far as I'm concerned, I win Heavens, so many nice things said! This does make me want to keep the standard high with The Long Walk, so pressure goes with the hurrahs

I'll address the French first. I'm pretty sure that it's accurate, though I think some of the phrases will probably sound a bit odd to a native speaker. There's always a balance to strike with foreign languages. The obvious problem is that of course, you can't have vital information conveyed in a foreign language. Then you have to consider whether the guy speaking the language is speaking in foreign for a reason - if Josh spoke no Kalosian at all it would just be asinine. But I have a pet peeve with the common trope where someone start speaking to the foreigner in their native language - often in their own country - and then three sentences later they switch to English. This is especially stupid in film where you can easily have subtitles.

Anyway, for the benefit of non-speakers, I add this little translation spoiler as a bonus:

Spoiler

“Bonsoir. Adèle Chastain,” she said, holding her hand out.
= “Good evening. Adèle Chastain”

“Er … enchanté, Adele. I mean Adèle. Je m'appelle Cook, Joshua Cook,” he said.
= “Er … charmed, Adele. I mean Adèle. My name is Cook, Joshua Cook”

“Tu parles kalossais?”
= “You speak Kalosian?”

“Je ne parle pas très bien kalossais. Je seulement étudie le kalossais à l'université.”
= “I don't speak very good Kalosian. I only study Kalosian at University”

“Confiance, Joshua!”
= “Confidence, Joshua!”

“Oui, c'est vrai.”
= “Yes, that's right”

“Don't call me, I'll call you,” she told him, “Le café johto est vraiment terrible, mais la compagnie sera bien,” she pocketed her Pokégear.
= “The coffee in Johto is truly terrible, but the company will be good”

“Tu as les mains douce,” she remarked in her whisky voice.
= “You have soft hands”

“Très bien,” she said
= “Very good”

“Merci pour la danse, mon loupe.”
= "Thank you for the dance, my wolf"

“J'habite à Auffrac-les-Congères. You call it Snowbelle City, I think
= “I live in Snowbelle City”

“Enfermes ta langue d'argent! And what about you?” she said teasingly
= “Put away your silver tongue!”

Relifac-le-Haut
= Cyllage City

“Er, oui, c'est très bon. Au revoir, Adèle,” Josh managed
= “Er, yes, it's very good. Goodbye, Adèle,”

“Confiance, Joshua!” she begged in his imagination, “Avoir confiance en soi! S'il vous plaît! Agh, je m'ennuie.”
= “Confidence, Joshua! Have confidence in yourself! Please! Argh, I'm bored”

Mais
= But

“Allez … voulez-vous me nourris maintenant?”
= “Are you going to feed me now?”

I'm aware that it's possible this may change your view of the story. I know Flaze did when I translated the imagine spot in Part II for him.

Insofar as the story is concerned, I'm not sure how much credit I can really claim for it. I definitely wanted a subversion in there, in as much that it's neither heartbreakingly tragic nor unalloyed success. The way the plot turns out then, is frankly written as much by real life as by me. I will admit that some of Josh's reactions - don't smell her hair, stop watching her lips particularly - are straight up things that I have thought before now, so no credit claimed for those.

 

[GoneGuy]

Absolutely stunning! A fantastic addition to Josh's character, this little backstory is beautifully written and masterfully controlled! I personally love the little inclusions of French. Kalosian (ou Kalossais, ça dépend) is a great idea on your part!!

Another brill chapter - Can't say much else! Bravo!

 

[Legacy]

My apologies for the delay, but here is my post-awards feedback:

Da Vinci Smile by Beth Pavell

Plot: 7/10 - It was designed to be a short, and it was really good plot wise. I enjoyed Josh's journey that we are able to right along with. Ending felt a bit anti-climactic, but that was likely by design, so not much of an issue there. It's a hard story to judge plot-wise because it was written to be more of a character-centric piece with the emotion of it all as the centerpiece.

Setting: 8/10 - Again, not a long serial fic, so can't really penalize for lack of description. Besides, there's quite a bit of good imagery throughout the prose that gives us illustration of the type of society Josh lives in through the character interactions.

Characterization: 10/10 - Love the difference in personality between Josh and Adele. Each character, from Josh himself to Aunt Cassie is unique in their speech and actions. The best part of this fic is its characterization, and it really is very good. The emotion that Beth Pavell conveyed throughout this short story was fantastic.

Style: 9/10 - Excellent prose that used dialog very well. Graceful word usage, although did get a bit too cute at times. It is a playful style overall, but one that was enjoyable to read.

Technical: 9/10 - Nothing much wrong with the technical aspect. Pavell is a very clean and careful writer who obviously has a firm grasp on the grammar side of things.

Overall: 91/100

All in all, this was masterful in my opinion. The characterization was the best part of this story, in my opinion, and your ability to give the readers such rich and amazing characters was incredibly fun to read. I really felt as though I knew the characters by their speech and behavior, which is not easy to do.

Awesome.

 

[Persephone]

NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.


...who are not coming right now. But this super late review is.

Honestly, I don't have any spectacular thoughts on it because, stylistically, it's essentially The Long Walk. Also my "don't do single chapter reviews well" applies to this because it's short. I thought it was good for its length, setting up and resolving a "conflict" of sorts in a way that was both definitely a romance and a definite subversion of it. The whole thing seemed like a quick little, ultimately irrelevant anecdote that had few subplots and a small scale but still felt compelling because of the character(s) and style.

I mean, everyone but Josh was flat, but he's a good character. So it still worked. And given the length you only needed one good character.

Not much criticism. I actually liked the French use in the end, even when I didn't think I would. So, yeah, good job. Took me 1.5 years to tell you this.