COMPLETE: A Pokemon Microfiction (300 Words, Complete): Firing the PokeRus (TEEN)

[Elric von Bek]

Vanryl studied the conclusions to the immunology journals. The key is here, the fucking key is here and I can’t grasp it! He began shaking as he thought his colleagues’ teasing. Then he recalled the things beyond the outpost: Scythers herding the skinned men of Fuschia to the Node’s receptors. The Fuschianites projected, Liar!

I’m not a liar!

A Charizard entered. Vanryl’s hand stopped short of his semiautomatic drake. Lot of good it would do against a Primeval. Flamahri phased into fireblood that transported Vanryl past the Node and the reactivated Fuschianites. Pathogen, inflame, for the Vaqdroi entering and leaving the Node.

Forge the key, Flamahri said. They were upon the Blood Moon amid craters and mountains in red and pink.

Reptiles swarmed from Flamahri’s quill-mane to attack Vanryl. Their venom became fire that lit his nerves, cremating the dead infected that filled his mind. Vectors forcing infection on the Fuschianites were interred in ash. Cold eyes with clinical detachment.

Flamahri presented victims and vectors for study. Vanryl felt the need for dominance in the Charizard’s presence. It came with understanding of the virus. The key is in my mind.

Within the Scyther vein outpost, Vanryl saw an Entei looking back at him in the fume hood’s covering.

Vanryl’s fire broke bonds to activate the Fuschianites and Scyther. Old genes were snuffed and new ones kindled that weaponized the infection.
The conclusions lied. Vanryl saw quick death replacing the viruses’ viscera-liquefaction. This is not science.

The Entei's creations were single-minded in eradicating the virus. They are my key. A raid on the Saffron aeronauts secured a nebulazepp bound for the Blood Moon. There the activated attacked the Charizard. Flamahri died of hematemesis. The Entei burned the journals

Afterword:

This is a piece of microfiction following a prompt that asks for a maximum of 300 words.

 

[Th!nkPi]

The Fuschianites projected, Liar!

I don't understand if this is supposed to be a quotation, and if not, why there is a comma and Liar is capitalized. I try to take note of strange capitalizations as they usually have significance. Let me know if this particular part is conveying something that I may be missing.

I love your descriptiveness, but the microfiction definitely left me confused. I suppose with flash fiction, not that I'm any sort of expert, but throwing up too many details all at once may detract from the focus and emotions being stirred up in the few words you're allotted to do so. I think being less specific with locations and neologic plot points may give the reader more leeway to get absorbed in Vanryl's thoughts and feelings.

For more specific suggestions, I would say a line such as this:

They were upon the Blood Moon amid craters and mountains in red and pink.

I believe it would benefit from being more vague and instead expressing the emptiness of the environment around him. Something like "They were upon/stranded on the planet, amid craters and mountains in red and pink." It provides me the imagery needed to imagine and visualize the storyline here without creating the new question: "What is the Blood Moon?" By cloaking the clarity of locations and details like these, it helps the reader to ask less and visualize more.

Other than the bombardment of details, I believe the microfiction is pretty good. Admittedly, I have no idea what went on and what sort of craziness is ensuing in your story, but I did enjoy your writing style and word choice.

-Th!nkPi