GastlyGibus
World's worst critic
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2013
- Messages
- 1,213
- Reaction score
- 97
For the review game, I offer you this. Since I had not read any of this story up until now, I hunkered down and read the whole thing from start to finish. This is my in-depth review of the story as a whole.
So first off, I like it. The writing is well done, only a few typos that I noticed, and infrequent enough that I could ignore them. Just a missing letter here and there, nothing major. Overall, I like your writing style; it's technical when it needs to be, but not overtly so. Even with the scenes concerning electrical equipment and terminology, as little experience in the subject as I have, it's explained well enough that I could at least know what was going on. Just a warning to be careful with it, as sometime I found myself just saying "okay, I don't know what any of this means, but it's electrical and stuff so I assume it makes sense." At the end of the day, I'm not majorly confused by it, and it's written in a way that even if you don't have an idea of what the subject is, you still have a basic idea of how it functions, so it's good!
Now, the one problem I have with the style itself, and this only appears a few times, is redundancy. There are a couple times here and there where you say the same thing multiple times, and it's kind of unnecessary. Like these:
Those are the biggest examples I noticed. Just a little note that, while it does effectively describe things, too much is not really needed.
Now, one thing I really, really enjoyed about this story is how you portray the pokèmon. Not just the complete lack of pokèspeak (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out when I see it in written form) but just the overall descriptions of the pokèmon themselves. Like these:
They are written as if they actually are the animals they're based off of. And in the case of Riolu or Elekid, which aren't really based off animals, it's still done very well. The scenes with Jolteon actually make her seem like a real-life cat. Well, a real-life cat that shoots lightning from it's fur. It's just so lifelike and superbly done, and it's easily the thing I enjoyed the most. If the pokèmon world were real, this is exactly how I'd expect the pokèmon to act; animalistic, but more intelligent than that at the same time. Very good job!
In addition, I enjoyed the more technical aspects of the story in regards to the pokèmon, thier habits, diets, biology, etc...
It's a creative take on something that's usually glanced over, so again, points for that.
I am so, so, so, so glad and overjoyed you didn't go for the obvious trope of "Peter gets caught in a tough situation and finds out Jolteon is much stronger than he thought she was and he wins the battle flawlessly!" I was expecting it, honestly, and I was ready to groan in irritation, but then you had Peter do that smart, realistic thing, and just ride away while Granbull was distracted. I liked it.
However, on the subject of cliches and tropes... the biggest problem I have with this story is just how... convenient everything seems to be. This is especially prevalent in the beginning. Peter just happens to be an electrical worker, just so happens to have a thunder stone lying around, meets a freakin' Zapdos out of nowhere that knocks him out, the professor just conveniently gives him an Eevee, and... you know what I'm saying? A lot of things in the story just seem perfectly set up for the protagonist in a "oh, well what a fancy little coincidence! I just so happen to be yada yada...." way. It's not necessarily bad, but it doesn't do the realism of the story any favors, which is a damn shame, because almost everything else about this story is portrayed so realistically that it makes these little coincidences stand out so much more. It's like the planets have aligned and Peter's destiny was written (hah, get it? Because it's literature!) before he even started this whole journey. It's not so prevalent in the later chapters, but in the beginning it's very jarring, at least to me, because I could see the whole thing coming a mile away.
Which leads me to this last chapter. It's already getting a bit obvious as to where it's going. Now, I could be wrong, and you might pull some surprise I'm not aware of and totally take me off guard, but right now, it looks like it's going to go a certain way. In the future, try to work on these kinds of coincidences. It needs to be more realistic, and not seem so perfectly set up. Just requires a little bit of planning, is all.
Other than that, though, predictability aside, this was a pretty decent read for me. I enjoyed it, and I'll definitely be looking forward to future installments. It's well written, the dialogue is believable and personalized, the characters are all well done, and the descriptions are top-notch. All that needs to be fixed is the predictability of it all, and you could have yourself a damn good story right here!
So first off, I like it. The writing is well done, only a few typos that I noticed, and infrequent enough that I could ignore them. Just a missing letter here and there, nothing major. Overall, I like your writing style; it's technical when it needs to be, but not overtly so. Even with the scenes concerning electrical equipment and terminology, as little experience in the subject as I have, it's explained well enough that I could at least know what was going on. Just a warning to be careful with it, as sometime I found myself just saying "okay, I don't know what any of this means, but it's electrical and stuff so I assume it makes sense." At the end of the day, I'm not majorly confused by it, and it's written in a way that even if you don't have an idea of what the subject is, you still have a basic idea of how it functions, so it's good!
Now, the one problem I have with the style itself, and this only appears a few times, is redundancy. There are a couple times here and there where you say the same thing multiple times, and it's kind of unnecessary. Like these:
It was a problem, a mystery, a puzzle, a challenge, one he felt compelled to overcome himself, rather than trust someone else to do it for him.
All he had was a light bulb: just an ordinary incandescent lamp, commonly used in all sorts of everyday applications, from desk lamps, to wall sconces, to area lighting. What purpose could this serve in training electric Pokémon?
Each light had different properties and challenges for Jolteon to work around: different impedance characteristics, different margins of error, different thresholds to pass before success.
Those are the biggest examples I noticed. Just a little note that, while it does effectively describe things, too much is not really needed.
Now, one thing I really, really enjoyed about this story is how you portray the pokèmon. Not just the complete lack of pokèspeak (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out when I see it in written form) but just the overall descriptions of the pokèmon themselves. Like these:
Jolteon tucked her ears down and cringed at Peter's frustrated outburst. Shaking with each step, the Pokémon backed off from the shattered bulb, and turned up to Peter with a dejected look. She looked like she might cry, or whimper.
Jolteon let out a disappointed whine when the flow of electricity ceased, and she pawed at Peter's knee with an expectant look in her eyes, like she was begging for a treat.
Riolu gave a weary look at the offended Elekid, and let out a reluctant sigh as it bowed in a gesture of humility. Elekid simply stuck out his tongue and pouted, unsatisfied by Riolu's half-hearted apology. The little blue fighting-type rolled its eyes at the insult, and looked back at the woman with an indignant 'I told you so' expression.
They are written as if they actually are the animals they're based off of. And in the case of Riolu or Elekid, which aren't really based off animals, it's still done very well. The scenes with Jolteon actually make her seem like a real-life cat. Well, a real-life cat that shoots lightning from it's fur. It's just so lifelike and superbly done, and it's easily the thing I enjoyed the most. If the pokèmon world were real, this is exactly how I'd expect the pokèmon to act; animalistic, but more intelligent than that at the same time. Very good job!
In addition, I enjoyed the more technical aspects of the story in regards to the pokèmon, thier habits, diets, biology, etc...
“For Jolteon, I'd recommend this blend of Pokémon food rich in copper and electrolytes,” the nurse continued as she handed Peter a small package of the food, “Lieutenant Surge himself provides this for his own electric type Pokémon at the gym. You'll find more of it at any Poké Mart or well-stocked department store.”
It's a creative take on something that's usually glanced over, so again, points for that.
As soon as Jolteon saw that Peter was underway again, she abandoned the game with Granbul and happily resumed running alongside Peter, leaving the wild Pokémon in her dust.
I am so, so, so, so glad and overjoyed you didn't go for the obvious trope of "Peter gets caught in a tough situation and finds out Jolteon is much stronger than he thought she was and he wins the battle flawlessly!" I was expecting it, honestly, and I was ready to groan in irritation, but then you had Peter do that smart, realistic thing, and just ride away while Granbull was distracted. I liked it.
However, on the subject of cliches and tropes... the biggest problem I have with this story is just how... convenient everything seems to be. This is especially prevalent in the beginning. Peter just happens to be an electrical worker, just so happens to have a thunder stone lying around, meets a freakin' Zapdos out of nowhere that knocks him out, the professor just conveniently gives him an Eevee, and... you know what I'm saying? A lot of things in the story just seem perfectly set up for the protagonist in a "oh, well what a fancy little coincidence! I just so happen to be yada yada...." way. It's not necessarily bad, but it doesn't do the realism of the story any favors, which is a damn shame, because almost everything else about this story is portrayed so realistically that it makes these little coincidences stand out so much more. It's like the planets have aligned and Peter's destiny was written (hah, get it? Because it's literature!) before he even started this whole journey. It's not so prevalent in the later chapters, but in the beginning it's very jarring, at least to me, because I could see the whole thing coming a mile away.
Which leads me to this last chapter. It's already getting a bit obvious as to where it's going. Now, I could be wrong, and you might pull some surprise I'm not aware of and totally take me off guard, but right now, it looks like it's going to go a certain way. In the future, try to work on these kinds of coincidences. It needs to be more realistic, and not seem so perfectly set up. Just requires a little bit of planning, is all.
Other than that, though, predictability aside, this was a pretty decent read for me. I enjoyed it, and I'll definitely be looking forward to future installments. It's well written, the dialogue is believable and personalized, the characters are all well done, and the descriptions are top-notch. All that needs to be fixed is the predictability of it all, and you could have yourself a damn good story right here!
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