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TEEN: A Sine of Things to Come: a Journey of Rediscovery

For the review game, I offer you this. Since I had not read any of this story up until now, I hunkered down and read the whole thing from start to finish. This is my in-depth review of the story as a whole.

So first off, I like it. The writing is well done, only a few typos that I noticed, and infrequent enough that I could ignore them. Just a missing letter here and there, nothing major. Overall, I like your writing style; it's technical when it needs to be, but not overtly so. Even with the scenes concerning electrical equipment and terminology, as little experience in the subject as I have, it's explained well enough that I could at least know what was going on. Just a warning to be careful with it, as sometime I found myself just saying "okay, I don't know what any of this means, but it's electrical and stuff so I assume it makes sense." At the end of the day, I'm not majorly confused by it, and it's written in a way that even if you don't have an idea of what the subject is, you still have a basic idea of how it functions, so it's good!

Now, the one problem I have with the style itself, and this only appears a few times, is redundancy. There are a couple times here and there where you say the same thing multiple times, and it's kind of unnecessary. Like these:

It was a problem, a mystery, a puzzle, a challenge, one he felt compelled to overcome himself, rather than trust someone else to do it for him.

All he had was a light bulb: just an ordinary incandescent lamp, commonly used in all sorts of everyday applications, from desk lamps, to wall sconces, to area lighting. What purpose could this serve in training electric Pokémon?

Each light had different properties and challenges for Jolteon to work around: different impedance characteristics, different margins of error, different thresholds to pass before success.

Those are the biggest examples I noticed. Just a little note that, while it does effectively describe things, too much is not really needed.

Now, one thing I really, really enjoyed about this story is how you portray the pokèmon. Not just the complete lack of pokèspeak (which makes me want to gouge my eyes out when I see it in written form) but just the overall descriptions of the pokèmon themselves. Like these:

Jolteon tucked her ears down and cringed at Peter's frustrated outburst. Shaking with each step, the Pokémon backed off from the shattered bulb, and turned up to Peter with a dejected look. She looked like she might cry, or whimper.

Jolteon let out a disappointed whine when the flow of electricity ceased, and she pawed at Peter's knee with an expectant look in her eyes, like she was begging for a treat.

Riolu gave a weary look at the offended Elekid, and let out a reluctant sigh as it bowed in a gesture of humility. Elekid simply stuck out his tongue and pouted, unsatisfied by Riolu's half-hearted apology. The little blue fighting-type rolled its eyes at the insult, and looked back at the woman with an indignant 'I told you so' expression.

They are written as if they actually are the animals they're based off of. And in the case of Riolu or Elekid, which aren't really based off animals, it's still done very well. The scenes with Jolteon actually make her seem like a real-life cat. Well, a real-life cat that shoots lightning from it's fur. It's just so lifelike and superbly done, and it's easily the thing I enjoyed the most. If the pokèmon world were real, this is exactly how I'd expect the pokèmon to act; animalistic, but more intelligent than that at the same time. Very good job!

In addition, I enjoyed the more technical aspects of the story in regards to the pokèmon, thier habits, diets, biology, etc...

“For Jolteon, I'd recommend this blend of Pokémon food rich in copper and electrolytes,” the nurse continued as she handed Peter a small package of the food, “Lieutenant Surge himself provides this for his own electric type Pokémon at the gym. You'll find more of it at any Poké Mart or well-stocked department store.”

It's a creative take on something that's usually glanced over, so again, points for that.

As soon as Jolteon saw that Peter was underway again, she abandoned the game with Granbul and happily resumed running alongside Peter, leaving the wild Pokémon in her dust.

I am so, so, so, so glad and overjoyed you didn't go for the obvious trope of "Peter gets caught in a tough situation and finds out Jolteon is much stronger than he thought she was and he wins the battle flawlessly!" I was expecting it, honestly, and I was ready to groan in irritation, but then you had Peter do that smart, realistic thing, and just ride away while Granbull was distracted. I liked it.

However, on the subject of cliches and tropes... the biggest problem I have with this story is just how... convenient everything seems to be. This is especially prevalent in the beginning. Peter just happens to be an electrical worker, just so happens to have a thunder stone lying around, meets a freakin' Zapdos out of nowhere that knocks him out, the professor just conveniently gives him an Eevee, and... you know what I'm saying? A lot of things in the story just seem perfectly set up for the protagonist in a "oh, well what a fancy little coincidence! I just so happen to be yada yada...." way. It's not necessarily bad, but it doesn't do the realism of the story any favors, which is a damn shame, because almost everything else about this story is portrayed so realistically that it makes these little coincidences stand out so much more. It's like the planets have aligned and Peter's destiny was written (hah, get it? Because it's literature!) before he even started this whole journey. It's not so prevalent in the later chapters, but in the beginning it's very jarring, at least to me, because I could see the whole thing coming a mile away.

Which leads me to this last chapter. It's already getting a bit obvious as to where it's going. Now, I could be wrong, and you might pull some surprise I'm not aware of and totally take me off guard, but right now, it looks like it's going to go a certain way. In the future, try to work on these kinds of coincidences. It needs to be more realistic, and not seem so perfectly set up. Just requires a little bit of planning, is all.

Other than that, though, predictability aside, this was a pretty decent read for me. I enjoyed it, and I'll definitely be looking forward to future installments. It's well written, the dialogue is believable and personalized, the characters are all well done, and the descriptions are top-notch. All that needs to be fixed is the predictability of it all, and you could have yourself a damn good story right here!
 
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Okay, so it's been over a year since I caught up on some fics, including this one. Apologies for that, but now I'm here with some comments. Here we go!

With an all too familiar snap and flash, yet another light bulb was shattered over the workshop floor. At this, Jolteon flinched back from the light bulb rig with a yip of discomfort, shaking her head and pawing at her face as she did.

This is a problem I saw with all of the chapters I caught up with, but I'll quote this since it's the opening of a chapter. The redundancy bogs down the opening of the chapter; the writing could be more consise and polished overall. "all too familiar" and "yet another" imply the same thing, I would remove "was" to remove passive voice, and then I would reduce how many actions Jolteon does since they all imply the same feeling: discomfort. Overall a lot of your chapters could be tightened and cut down in word count - not that the chapters are long to begin with, but you could probably put a lot more content in a chapter and make a chapter feel more "complete" by making every word count.

Peter let our a weary sigh and knelt down in front of Jolteon, helping to pick out the glass shards caught in the Pokémon's fur. The shattered pieces of light bulb never got enough force behind them to hurt Jolteon on their own, but the Pokémon could accidentally cut itself on its own if Peter didn't help.

This was pretty cute - I imagine it's a lot more dangerous for Peter to mess with glass than Jolteon, but him offering to help her anyway is nice to see. I'm surprised he's not wearing thick gloves or something to protect himself, though.

Peter could hardly blame her, since he too was beginning to have similar feelings, similar doubts if this would get anywhere.

A trainer not fully believing in their pokemon's abilities and spouting a bunch of cliche optimistic encouragement is nice to see. Though now that I've caught up completely, I think I can safely assume that Peter doesn't fully believe in himself and his abilities rather than Jolteon's. Still an interesting twist - it makes Peter feel more real.

By now they had gone through several cases of light bulbs, enough that Peter had resorted to using one of the empty cases to contain the shattered remains, and he'd need a new case soon if this kept up.

Everything in this paragraph before the quoted part is redundant, and not neeed. Again, repetition can be effective and impactful if done right, but consistent/unnecessary repetition can be a bit frustrating to read after a while.

“Dammit Jolteon!” Peter snapped as he shot to a standing stance, barely resiting the urge to tear out his hair as he grunted, “the light bulb is only rated for twenty five watts of electrical power!

I can't imagine Peter not getting seriously hurt if he didn't move away from Jolteon. It just says he stands up and it's not till after the explosion. I guess it could be a minor explosion...? But still, I'd at least expect a description of protective measures.

The device could be set to test the power of a flowing electrical current, the voltage –the electrical charge difference between two points– or electrical resistance –how easily an electric current could flow between two points.

Interesting stuff - a lot of the electrical and martial arts explanations were awesome/creative for worldbuilding purposes, even as someone who knows very little about either - but this part was hard to read in particular with all the hyphens.

“Yes!” Peter yelped in a gratified holler as he stood tall, pumping his fist in the air, “I knew we could figure this out!”

He was having doubts not that long ago, though. It might've been a bit more emotionally realistic if he apologized for his outburst again, or something along those lines. Peter's not a character that apologizes incessantly or lets people walk all over him or whatever, but he does strike me as the kind of character to admit when he's wrong.

Then he peered over his dark glasses and smirked, revealing a bright gleam in his eye, “However, there is a little trick I'm gonna show you now, if by some chance you can't get to a Pokémon Center.”

Would this trick still work if they're out in the middle of a route traveling with no immediate access to a pokemon center? If not, well, I might clarify that, or have an alternative explained in that kind of scenario. What Surge showed Peter was creative and makes perfect sense, though.

The extra power also 'jump-starts' Jolteon's immune response and natural healing and recovery processes, allowing for a speedy rebound from all but the most serious injuries or diseases. It's a major way that wild Jolteon in packs operate: if one was sick or injured, the healthy pack members would all give a little extra power to the one in need. In this way, the pack sticks together like a tight-knit squad: no one gets left behind, and everyone has each other's backs.”

Another thing I don't see often in pokemon fics is explanation of biology/anatomy - and for good reason, since a lot of it is really hard to pass off as realistic. What you put here, however, makes sense insofar as a pokemon fic can and is easy to understand. I also like the extra tidbit Surge throws in about jolteon packs in the wild, since Jolteon and Peter working together in harmony seems to be a big theme that'll be explored with this training.

“Your responsibility?! Since when?!” the burning man spat in disgust as he paced furiously in front of Peter, “Since the goofy new Professor and some sappy kid pushed her into your hands?! Your damn livelihood is your responsibility! Being a productive member of society and all that!”

Interesting take on the whole trainer thing. It's not often a second choice for people, really, and I've often wondered myself what people who want nothing to do with pokemon do in a society that revolves on the creatures.

“I'm not saying I won't do it,” Peter said, taking a defensive tone, “but I at least deserve an explanation of your instructions, so I understand the benefits for Jolteon and for myself.”

Damn, Peter, way to assert yourself in front of a big, scary man like Surge. Seems like he has a long way to go in terms of assertiveness, though - it seems he feels bad when he goes against people's expectations or doesn't live up to him. I'll be interested to see how his character develops.

“Good. Then until further notice, I transfer command of Elekid to you, Peter,” the gym leader said, satisfied by Elekid's compliance, and handed Elekid's Pokéball to Peter.

I like the military-esque, authoritative voice you give Surge here.

No. Every second this went on put Jolteon at risk. It would only be a matter of time before the probabilities played out, a mistake would be made, and catastrophe result. That being the case, Peter had to minimize the time spent now, and he made a decision.

Peter doesn't seem to be one to take unnecessary risks given his past, which is understandable. I'm wondering how he betrayed his old team's trust... I mean, if he had three pokemon on his team, he must've gotten a little bit far into his journey, right? But not too far, since they were all unevolved and three pokemon is only half a team. I can't imagine what would've made him turn around at that point in his journey... tl;dr i want to know already

“Words, questions and answers, are fickle things; vague impressions at best. They are subject to whim, to personal motives, and to individual interpretation.” Hideki explained, “Your actions, your choices, how you respond under threat are all absolute and unambiguous answers. Therefore, you will fight me, and I will assess you.”

Sorry, Peter, you can't argue with that. Hideki rationalized himself rather nicely, not to mention elegantly.

“I'll just have to train harder and be more careful, that's all.” Ismael assured himself, and looked to Peter, asking, “What about you? You gonna enter the League, or any competitions at all?”

I don't see Peter entering the League still, and the tournament scene after this was a bit of a surprise, but not an unpleasant one. Peter listening to the ground to make use of his keen hearing and to work together with Jolteon was a nice strategy for this battle, by the way. Peter showing some humility was good to see, too. And ending the section like you did was perfect because we know how Peter feels about these kinds of questions... He generally doesn't like them (which is why the tournament thing was a surprise for me), so ending the section without a response and then having Peter answer in next scene by asserting himself to Surge instead was impactful.

like the deep buzz of a live power line,

A nice apt metaphor, here.

Overall, the writing style is the weak point of the story for me, with the characterization being rather subtle but powerful if you take the time to think about it or notice the smaller details. Congrats on fic of the month, and good luck with the next chapters![/quote]
 
Ch 10: Dissonance vs. Harmony
Pre-contnent notes in spoiler
EDIT: This chapter is now COMPLETE! I have taken the feedback I was given, cross-referenced with my ideas and note, and after fighting tooth-and-nail against both my work schedule and my procrastinating habits, I now have a fully armed and operational chapter for your reading pleasure. I'll keep part of my previous intro notes here in the spoiler tag for reference, but that's all it really is.

EDIT 2 (1/10/2017):
Cleaned up some sections after review and consideration.

Also, before you begin reading, I must say that the end of the previous chapter has undergone some major changes. Namely: the final scene has been extended considerably with important content. If you have not already, please go back to the previous chapter and at least catch the newly added content.

Alright then, here goes.

Day 22: Tournament Day


Jolteon stood on the battle floor in front of Peter, facing her opponent with a fierce resolve. The bright yellow Pokémon crouched low in an active stance, and with a hum and crackle of electricity, she began to build up an impressive charge. The tufts of fur across her body danced on end, with sparks snapping and dancing between them, bringing that unmistakable pungent ozone smell of electricity into the air.

Sitting opposite Jolteon at the far end of the battle floor was a shadowy black Umbreon that hardly moved a muscle. The dark-type simply gazed back at the opposing electric-type through its stoic, blood-red eyes, waiting.

“Begin!” the referee announced, and Peter issued his first command...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dissonance vs. Harmony

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day Three: Strategy and Theory.

Everything ached as Peter made his way toward the charming seaside cafe on the boardwalk that morning. Though he was aware of it, he couldn't quite appreciate the cool salty ocean breeze, nor the slowly awakening activity of the boardwalk. The young man all but ignored the passers-by, one of which was someone out for a morning jog, the mere thought of which made Peter cringe a bit in his limbs.

The relentless training and drilling Hideki had put him through yesterday had left its mark. Like a brutal hangover for the young man's muscles and joints, his body wanted nothing more than to sit idle and relax, and objected every time Peter forced it to move. And yet move he did, because damned if he was going to miss or neglect the appointment he agreed to this morning with Gregory Voltaire. Thankfully for Peter though, today was supposed to involve more theory-craft and brainstorming than the high-strain movements of Hideki's training.

Jolteon, for her part, happily trotted along without any apparent care in the world. For every few feet Peter moved, Jolteon darted every which way only to stop and investigate every little object that caught her attention. Only when Peter moved on, and Jolteon saw that he wasn't going to stop for anything, did the little yellow Pokémon follow in his relentless, steady footsteps.

In a few minutes time, Peter at last make it to the cafe at the end of the boardwalk where Gregory Voltaire was waiting for him, sitting at one of the outdoor tables. The older gentleman opted for a somewhat casual but still smart sweater vest and flat cap look, and was reading from an old leather-bound book when Peter approached. Then Peter noticed that there were two mugs on the table: the one in front of Gregory looked like a kind of tea, whereas the other was a dark coffee, with no cream added...

“Black with sugar, and a small pinch of salt,” Gregory said to Peter as he closed his book and set down on the table. “That is how typically you take your coffee, correct?”

That stopped Peter dead in his tracks. That was precisely how Peter Sine took his coffee when he had the option to do so. For a few moments he simply stared, slightly awestruck, eyes bouncing between the coffee mug and the kindly old man who'd provided it. It wasn't until Gregory motioned toward the chair and gently nodded, silently inviting his guest to sit, that Peter finally acted.

“Thanks...” the young man uttered quietly as he took a seat opposite Gregory, catching a whiff of the coffee. It had a robust, bittersweet smell that appealed to Peter's tastes. “Just out of curiosity, how did you know exactly the way I take my coffee? I mean, I've never met anyone else who adds salt to their coffee, and it always confuses everyone who sees me do it.”

“Yes,” Gregory said with a nod, “and you would then explain to the intrigued observer that the small amount of salt mutes the coffee's harsh bitter notes, yet still preserves its full flavor and character. To answer your question however: I asked the right people the right questions. In so doing, I came across this information, and could prepare your ideal cup of coffee in advance.”

While Gregory was explaining his methods, Peter had taken a sip of the coffee itself. It was medium dark roast, with its characteristic toasty taste, yet with very little of its usual harsh bitterness: the trick of the salt. In his own words, Peter said to Gregory, “it's very good.”

“I'm glad you appreciate it,” Gregory said cordially, and went on to explain, “similarly, when one prepares for an important Pokémon battle or competition, asking the right questions, obtaining pertinent information, and using it to prepare an effective strategy is absolutely paramount to success.”

“Right, which is why we're here,” Peter said after taking a longer sip of the coffee Gregory provided. It was clear the older man had gone through all this to impress a point on Peter, but he still couldn't help but wonder who Gregory had talked to, since so few people knew about his particular quirks. In any case, it was time to begin, so Peter asked, “how do we start?”

“What can you tell me about the format of your company's tournament?” Gregory opened, folding his hands together. “Battling style, bracket setup, Pokémon restrictions?”

“It's one-on-one battles, single elimination, with a single Pokémon per entrant for the entire tournament,” Peter answered.

“I see,” Gregory replied. “It is a simple, straightforward formula, quite common for these minor community tournaments. It does however present its own challenges...”

The older man took a moment and observed Jolteon, who seemed to have found the most fascinating empty paper cup in the world, and she proceeded to swipe at it with her paws while chasing it under tables and chairs.

“In your particular case, Peter, since you shall enter the tournament with Jolteon, an electric type, it would behoove you develop a strategy so that Jolteon is able to reliably confront Ground types, or you shan't advance through the bracket past your first opposing Geodude or Sandshrew. Your thoughts on the matter?”

The question caught Peter off-guard, as he didn't anticipate being put on the spot so suddenly. Jolteon may have had and astonishingly powerful electrical capacity, but it would mean little against something that was impervious. What else can she do? Still, watching Jolteon buzz through the empty outdoor seating of the cafe, with seemingly boundless energy to draw from, it gave Peter an idea...

“I know what Jolteon lacks in raw physical power, she makes up for with dizzying speed and agility,” Peter began, half thinking aloud. “I've seen her effortlessly run circles around dangerous Pokémon. As long as Jolteon can stay mobile and dodge incoming attacks, she could use physical attacks like tackle or quick attack to gradually wear her opponent down.”

Gregory simply listened, and nodded politely as he said, “yes, that is one way...”

“I think I can feel a 'however' coming on,” Peter guessed.

The older man raised an eyebrow, and replied, “tell me, exactly how does Jolteon achieve her dizzying speed?”

“Surge mentioned something about electrically overcharged muscles earlier–” Peter came to an abrupt stop when he began to realize where this was going.

“If Jolteon can build up some strength, she could use the same means she uses for her fiendishly quick mobility as a means to also deliver swift and powerful kicking blows,” Gregory confirmed.

Then he reached down and opened the briefcase at his feet, from which he produced a small harness just about the right size for Jolteon. The harness had several small pockets, each with iron weights that could be added or removed to adjust the intensity of the work.

“Have Jolteon wear this during your commutes to and from Saffron City,” the older gentleman instructed. “Doing so should help her develop strength, as well as boosting her already exceptional agility.”


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​


Day Five: Dojo Practice

After another commute to Saffron city, and locking the bike outside, Peter once again entered the through the large, ornate double doors of Saffron City's Fighting Dojo with Jolteon at his heels and a sporty backpack strapped across his shoulders. This time however, Jotleon was wearing the weighted harness Gregory had recommended, and it certainly had an effect on the little electric type. Rather than her usual energetic pluckiness, she walked with slower, heavier footfalls, panting heavily as she plodded along behind her trainer.

Moments later, they were at the dojo's 'locker room' –the privacy screen and set of lockers– where Peter made his necessary preparations for the day.

“Don't worry girl, we're here,” Peter reassured the Pokémon between changing and storing his items. “No more running for a while.”

In response, Jolteon uttered a little groaning whine and flopped down, eyes half-open with her tiredness.

Once Peter had changed into the training uniform, he unfastened the weighted harness from Jolteon and stashed it in the locker with his normal clothes and backpack. Then he took a Poké ball from the bag, from which Surge's Elekid was quickly released. With the usual pop and flash, the proud little electric-type materialized next to Jolteon, flexing his arms in a futile show of toughness.

“Could you give her a little power boost?” Peter requested of Elekid, motioning to Jolteon.

At this, Elekid glanced down at the hapless Eeveelution with a puzzled look. Having seen the situation and hearing his order, Elekid built up a small charge, with some of it arcing between his head-prongs. Then he reached out to Jolteon's prone body with both hands, and discharged into her with a little snap of electricity.

“Alright guys, let's go,” the young man directed as he turned and began heading back toward the dojo's main floor. “We need to find a practice partner for Elekid–”

A small series of short whines caught Peter's attention, and Peter found that Jolteon hadn't budged. She instead had her gaze locked on Elekid with her wide-eyed begging face, making the small egg-shaped Pokémon more than a little uncomfortable.

“You can't stay here, girl,” the young man insisted. “Someone else will need the space soon, and we have places to be, so lets go,

Elekid obediently complied with the order, happy to be removed from Joltoen pawing at his feet, and marched alongside Peter. Jolteon on the other hand let out a long whining groan in protest as she watched the others leave.

“Don't you give me the 'I'm too tired to do anything and need more electricity' act, I'm not falling for it,” Peter grumbled, shaking his head. “Elekid just juiced you up, and you're not even wearing your heavy workout harness anymore. You need to take a real rest, and regenerate your own electricity. You can do it either inside your ball, or outside your ball, and I know you'd rather be out.”

The young man punctuated this by taking Jolteon's Poké ball and holding it out in front of him. When she saw her ball and understood what was in store, Jolteon turned away, offering a dissatisfied groan as she flopped on her side.

“We don't have time for this,” Peter grunted, rolling his eyes. “Return–”

Suddenly Jolteon's ears flicked up as she built a quick charge, and discharged into the Poké ball's capture beam with a hefty crack. The surge of electricity in the beam caused it to sputter out and fail, leaving the intended Pokémon free, scowling up at her trainer.

“Oh, so you're too tired to move, but not too tired to zap your own ball?” Peter asked as he leaned forward, laying on the sarcasm thick.

In response, Jolteon turned away and flicked her nose up, offering an indignant little huff.

“Alright, if that's the way you're going to be about it...” the young man said with a shrug, then turned to the Elekid at his side and motioned toward Jolteon. “If you will do the honors.”

With an affirmative grunt, Elekid stepped up to Jolteon as he cracked his little knuckles, and scooped her up in his arms. Jolteon squealed and squirmed in protest at the rough handling, snapping off sparks into Elekid as the little egg-shaped Pokémon hauled her off, but to no effect. What pitifully little electricity Jolteon could discharge was easily caught and contained by Elekid, who wasn't bothered by it in the least.

With the situation more-or-less under control, Peter proceeded with Elekid and Jolteon onto the main floor of the Dojo. Thankfully there was only a brief moment of struggle until Jolteon fully realized the pickle she'd gotten herself into, and resigned to being carried like the child she was behaving like; the child she technically was by all accounts.

This was all getting complicated, very quickly.

Hideki made mention of a Pokémon's potential willfulness and undesirable behaviors before, that Peter would have to act as much a parent to Jolteon as a trainer, if not more so, and it was beginning to dawn on him what that actually meant. What should one do when a situation like this arises? How does one correct undesirable behaviors? How much is enough, and when is it too far? Where were those blurry lines between fear, respect, and admiration from the one in your care?

Soon after moving to the main floor of the dojo, Peter was approached by a familiar face; two actually. There was a young woman with ponytail-bound long brown hair, modest disposition, and a sour-looking Riolu at her side.

“Hello Peter, welcome back,” Helena Cobalt greeted with a pleasant smile.

Riolu for his part kept silent, showing little to no visible cues. The smarmy little fighting type did however project a feeling that could be described as 'sarcastic dull surprise', like he didn't expect or didn't want Peter to return.

“Hey Helena, I'm glad I found you,” Peter said quickly, not really meaning to rush his words, but rush they did. “I need to go see Hideki for a few minutes, is it okay if I leave Elekid and Jolteon with you in the meantime?”

“Oh, of course,” Helena agreed politely, patting the small blue Pokémon at her side, “Riolu is looking forward to practicing with Elekid again–”

A muffled thump landed next to Peter, where Elekid hand fallen flat on his back with Joltoen flopped on top. The little egg-shaped Pokémon writhed under the weight, grunting in both surprise and embarrassment. Jolteon simply stretched out and yawned, then casually sauntered off Elekid, apparently quite amused with herself.

At this, Riolu smacked himself in the forehead and shook his head, emitting a weary groan, ashamed to be made part of this again. Helena herself though giggled lightly at the situation, and knelt down to help Elekid back on his feet.

“Come on little trooper, let's get you started with some warm-ups,” she encouraged Elekid, who proudly puffed up his little chest, yet impressed nobody.

“Thanks!” Peter spurted out as he turned and left. “I'll be back to get them as soon as I can!”


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​


It was time for an evaluation. During his previous visit when his training under Hideki first began, the older martial arts master had prescribed Peter a set of basic movement drills for the Tempered Blade style to practice, which he did, all day long during that first visit. Peter had memorized the sequences, gone through the motions, and had continued to practice the drills when he had the time and energy to do so. A simple demonstration should be passed easily, or so he'd thought...

“That's enough!” Hideki called out in a firm voice, standing up from his meditative stance.

Hearing that, Peter came to an awkward fumbling stop in the middle of the sequence he was demonstrating, asking, “what's wrong? I know the sequence, and I'm performing each step.”

“Merely knowing the sequences you have been tasked to learn is less important than comfort and fluidity of movement,” Hideki corrected curtly. “Your form is sloppy, unrefined, and I will not train you further until these movements have been made seamless.

“How can you expect me to master these movements so completely?” Peter protested. “I've only been given a few days to–”

“A stable building cannot be constructed on an unstable foundation,” the older master declared. “The motions of the Tempered Blade style –the transitions between stances the accompanying actions– must be as smooth and as natural to your body as walking and breathing. Then, and only then, can it can be applied to practical sparring or more complex maneuvers. Would you attempt to learn a song on a new instrument you are not comfortable with?”

Again with the musical analogies...

The question did bring to mind Peter's own piano lessons years ago. It had taken months of daily practice, contorting his hands into the then uncomfortable and unnatural positions to produce the scales, arpeggios, and chords before he could so much as play a simple tune. In this respect at least, martial arts wasn't too much different from a kind of music: the body was the instrument, and the form was the song to be played. Thus, Peter was obliged to respect the tedium and precision that training demanded.

“You're right,” the young man admitted, bowing slightly in a customary gesture of humility. “I still have a lot to practice, but what exactly can I do to help myself?” Peter asked, still unsure.

“You have just done it: you've asked the question,” the older master said firmly, but with a small knowing smile on his face. “There is an entire dojo's worth of students all around you at your disposal, each with vastly varied techniques to their name, and equally varied methods of practicing them. Self-reliance is a worthy virtue, but so too is knowing when to seek the counsel of others...”

Peter bit his lip, stopped himself rolling his eyes, and politely listened to Hideki lecture on about the value of seeking help from others. It was sensible advice, but advise Peter had heard countless times before from countless other sources. He'd asked for something specific, and the young young man wanted nothing more than a prompt and specific answer, not another clichéd rambling on common-sense concepts.

When Peter could get a word in, hopefully without seeming rude, he interjected, “that's all well and good, but can we get back to my form, and what I could do to improve it?”

With a nod and a moment of consideration, Hideki obliged, but not without giving Peter a keen, careful look, “I did notice your breathing was not synchronized with the movements of the form, and would contribute to the uneasiness of your current form...”

The older Kantonian stepped in front of his student, assumed one of the stances of Tempered Blade, and demonstrated as he explained, “Notice how when I prepare an action, I inhale, and when executed, I exhale quickly,” then Hideki performed a series of attacks interspersed with defensive maneuvers, with slightly exaggerated breaths to emphasize his critique and advice.

“Some will also voice the explosive exhalation with a Kiai as they act,” the master added, and did just that, shouting with his next actions, “Ha! Kiyah!

Once the ringing in his ears from Hideki's sudden shouts faded, Peter asked a follow-up, “and just adjusting my breathing to my actions will improve the form?”

The older master came out of the form with a slight but sly expression, one that suggested he knew more than he was letting on.

“Use that keen technical mind of yours: think of both the whole and its component parts,” he began, in an apparently less condescending tone than when he rehashed old ideas before. It made Peter wonder for a moment if Hideki was trying other approaches to teaching. “Martial arts is a full body experience. You may scoff at the lofty poetry that often describes it, at the lingering traces of spiritualism in reference to Auras and similar concepts, but you cannot escape the reality that one's body is, at its most basic core, a machine. Any machine –trainers and their Pokémon teams, a band playing music together, the complex system of springs and gears inside a clock, and even one's body practicing a martial arts form– will operate all the more effectively when all parts are at their best, and properly coordinated to work together.

“Coordination of breath with action is but one major way I can see to improve your form. What other components of your machinery can you think to optimize?” Hedeki posited with an air of conclusion. “Go, and think on it as you practice.”

“I'll see what I can do,” the younger student said with a nod, and began to leave.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​


After that reality check, Peter Sine found himself a quiet corner of the dojo, did a few quick stretches and warm-ups, and went over the movement drills of Tempered Blade once again. This time he did so with an emphasis on coordinating breath with action, as Hideki suggested. If he went through the motions a little more, made them that much more familiar, he could smooth over the movements and satisfy Hideki's demand for fluidity of motion.

Think of the component parts: both separate and whole...

As he had practiced and become familiar with the style and its stances, what Peter came to realize was that the stances all, in one form or another, prepared the practitioner's body to act. It wasn't the stances themselves that were the core of the style, it was the movement between them and the actions taken from them. Practically any action performed while in any of the style's core stances will naturally flow into another stance, in-turn readying the practitioner for another action. In this way, the flow of the style's footwork meant that most actions can be made to advance, or retreat, or sidestep. Thus the style had many aggressive 'advancing defense' actions to intercept and destabilize an opposing attacker's blows, as well as 'retreating attack' actions that may be used to disengage from very close quarters.

It wasn't covered in these particular drills, but Peter also began to see how grappling techniques could be incorporated: simply replace some of the striking blows with grapples, use the style's footwork, and an opponent could find themselves in a tangled situation. In fact, it was quite likely an overall concept of Tempered Blade. Just as Hideki encouraged Peter to find his own method of practice, the style itself from the ground up felt incredibly receptive to new ideas and new actions. Rather than the technique or style influencing the practitioner, the Tempered Blade style practically invited the practitioner to experiment, to explore new ways of moving, and to add nearly any technique to its repertoire–

“Peter?” Helena's voice asked quietly from nearby.

He nearly stumbled and fell over when he heard his name, caught off-guard in the middle of an advancing defense and strike combination. Once Peter got his feet back underneath him, he swung around to find Helena standing there, with a touch of concern in her worried face and in her words.

“Are you alright?” she asked. “You've been here by yourself for quite a while.”

“Jolteon and Elekid, right!” Peter realized with a start, smacking himself in the head. “Gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean–”

“It's alright, they're doing just fine,” Helena reassured him. “Elekid's technique has improved quite a bit since the last time he was here, Riolu has to put in a lot more effort now. What about you though? How did your meet with Hideki go?”

“I'm... getting there,” the young man admitted, trying to mask his frustration. “I just can't seem to get the motions quite right, and my stance feels a little tipsy and off-balance, 'sloppy' and 'unrefined' as Hideki put it. I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm not all that familiar with the style yet, and it should settle in with more practice.”

“True, it does take time to learn the forms, but there are things that can help you, or hinder you,” Helena said with a nod and some thought. Then something must have occurred to her, as she added, “I wonder...”

The young woman walked around Peter for a bit, examining him a little closer than he was expecting.

“Could you lie face-down and relax for me, please?” Helena requested. “I want to try something.”

“Okay?” Peter uttered –unsure, but also curious– and did as Helena had kindly asked. A moment later he lay face down on the reinforced tatami mat floor of the dojo under Helena.

Then without any warning, he felt a pair of gentle hands on his back. Peter nearly shuddered at the surprise of it, but quickly controlled himself. That's when he realized that Helena was feeling, exploring, prodding, examining through touch.

“Ah! I thought so,” Helena said with a bit of satisfaction, then filled Peter in on her discovery. “Your muscles are all quite tense: I can feel knots everywhere, especially in your shoulders and lower back.”

“What, really?” Peter said, a little taken aback. “But I don't feel much soreness or anything there.”

“And when exactly was the last time you had even a halfway a decent massage?” Helena then asked in a prying tone.

“I... um...” he mumbled, stopping to think about that question, and then had to say, “I'm not actually sure.”

“Oh, this will be great practice! Don't move please,” the young woman declared with a sudden, disconcerting enthusiasm. “Riolu!”

A few moments later, the little blue fighting type padded alongside Peter's prone form. He cocked his head to the side with a bit of confused curiosity, a feeling that Peter himself found himself mirroring. What use could that little smug-bucket possibly have here?

Then Helena directed Riolu down to Peter's broad back, instructing, “Okay Riolu, feel all the knots in his muscles, see if you can feel how it creates tension, and disrupts his Aura.”

A flash of worry jumped up at Peter as he felt a pair of tiny paws on his back now, feeling and examining much like Helena did before. Even more worryingly though, he sensed the sly glee of mischief swell up in Riolu's mind...

“Now, use your Aura to relieve some of the knots...” Helena directed.

Having a pretty good idea what the little brat had planned, Peter quickly formed an threatening thought,“Don't you dare–”

A spike of stabbing agony suddenly shot up the young man's back, causing him to cringe and grimace, barely holding in a grunt of pain through his barred teeth. Riolu on the other hand was practically laughing in Peter's mind at his pain.

“Careful Riolu!” Helena cried out, suddenly flustered, “I'm so sorry Peter! I'll fix this!”

“It's okay, I'll be fine, mistakes happen,” the young man said with strained, forced politeness. “It'll take more than a little wayward Aura or whatever to take me out.”

Peter instead directed his rage and anger into a thought for Riolu, “I swear, if Helena weren't here, I'd wring your little neck until the Aura popped right out of your eyeballs!”

The feeling Riolu sent back in return was a disgusting little thing: something like teasing, or sticking out his tongue, 'amused disrespect'. Peter couldn't retaliate from this compromising position, and the little troublemaker knew it, and he relished in the opportunity.

“Lets try that again, Riolu,” Helena instructed, “but this time, only use a little bit of Aura.”


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​

And there it is!

As always, I appreciate any feedback anyone has to give. I'd also like to offer a big thank you to those who have nominated and voted this story into the winter awards this season. I will continue to strive for my work be what I feel it can be.

Edit Notes 01/16/2018
Cleaned up formatting/grammar/spelling oddities. Also slimmed down the description of Peter's practice.
 
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So...I guess my review is going to go only in spoilers now? Well gee

First of all, before I go into anything I have to say that I myself don't really approve of how you went with this, like if you felt that this was the best you could do and you really wanted to qualify for the awards then I guess I could understand but...it's a still a mostly incomplete chapter that doesn't give much aside from the general idea of what's going to happen if you ask me.

Now for what you show here. Again, I can't really give much judgement because most of it is scattered notes at this point, there's not much concrete material to comment on and the ideas that you want to implement do make sense. That being said, I don't think there's a problem with focusing on the training towards the tournament, that doesn't matter at all. What matters is that the characters get developed or that we can get closer to something.

With that being said, based on everything you're showing here I actually think it would be better if you split Peter's training into two short chapters, that in turn means that it'll be easier to write, and that way you can showcase all of the events that are on your notes and also give them their respective focus. Otherwise, it just kind of comes off as a series of short interconnected scenes that do work (and I'll admit I'm guilty of it myself), but don't really achieve anything concrete beyond just getting something out of the way.
 
Ok, this is going to have to be less coherent than the usual - I read this while still inundated with flu, and frankly not all of my notes make sense.

So. It is something of a mixed bag, as usual. Take Jolteon (And incidentally you really need to watch your spelling on the pokémon words, because I'm pretty sure I saw that misspelled at least three times), for example. Her mannerisms are all animal - it's ironic, really, that I should be charmed by this at all since they're nearly all canine, but so few authors really put observations of even a common pet in, that it is charming anyway. Most of your pokémon characters are at least decent in that way, and it is refreshing to see a Riolu who's frankly a bit of a bastard.

It's the bits around the edges I'm not sure about. Part of me doesn't think this is a criticism of the story, per se, but Hideki's method of teaching bugs me. Well, it's not teaching - "Go away and be better" isn't teaching at all. There's a hint of this in Surge as well, quick as he is to teach through humiliation or intimidation, only explaining afterwards what the point of it all was. Like I say, I'm not sure whether this can really be considered a criticism, because no-one ever said your readers can't think your characters are idiots.

All that business with the stances, though, is something that has a lot of wordcount to it but doesn't really do a lot for the chapter. I certainly think it's a lot of words spent on something that I don't visualise well - if you really must describe the routine in detail, then the description needs to be a lot more polished than that. More importantly I'm not sure what it really adds to the chapter or the story, given how much space is devoted to it
 
So. It is something of a mixed bag, as usual. Take Jolteon (And incidentally you really need to watch your spelling on the pokémon words, because I'm pretty sure I saw that misspelled at least three times), for example. Her mannerisms are all animal - it's ironic, really, that I should be charmed by this at all since they're nearly all canine, but so few authors really put observations of even a common pet in, that it is charming anyway. Most of your pokémon characters are at least decent in that way, and it is refreshing to see a Riolu who's frankly a bit of a bastard.

Somewhere or other, I think I wrote at great length how my characterization of Jolteon is in large part directly inspired by my personal experiences taking care of/looking after a young terrier. I can't quite use such direct source material for every mon I write, but I do my best to come close. Usually that means combing through source material and using that as a starting point and potential further reference.

speaking of looking at the source material, and not the fanon, it's actually really no great stretch to characterize a mon of the Riolu line as a "bit of a bastard". There are several examples of Riolu/Lucario in Pokémon media that come close, or otherwise exhibit signs or manerisms that could be construed into "bit of a bastard" I think I wrote a whole bunch about it somewhere...

I've just recently introduced a Riolu in ASTC, so this is something I've had to think about, and did some ludicrously in-depth research for.

I took into account the origins and inspirations behind the mon, and not just what fans think. The movie where Lucario is introduced is pretty much set in a straight-up medieval Poke-Germany, complete with grand secluded mountain castles and several little warring kingdoms at each others' throats. Noting that, the Lucario of Sir Aaron is pretty much an embodiment of what are commonly known as Prussian Virtues, or also Germanic Efficiency. I guarantee you if you look through those examples, you'll find it lines up pretty closely with how Lucario was characterized in its debut movie, and also in other official media like the anime and manga, completely disregarding what fanfic has come up with. Note Maylene's Lucario of DP anime: sore loser hellbent on self-improvement. Riley's Lucario DP anime: stubborn and self-confident to the point of endangering itself and others. I could go on.

Noting that, I have to conclude that it's not simply fan-squee that's driving the usual depiction, and that Prussian Virtues/Germanic Efficiency is something intrinsic to the mon's base nature. That being said, it should be treated as a starting point for reference, and not a be-all/end-all. From the Germanic-inspired origins, one can extrapolate and develop any number of different characterization possibilities using Germanic history and culture as inspirational material. This includes but is not limited to: the principles of German swordsmanship, the Teutonic Order (which I personally use as an inspiration for the Aura Guardians in the Pokemon setting), ruthless German mercenaries, or even ideas associated with Scandinavian/Vikings, which many Germans feel they have strong ties with. You can even bring in German-style humor (and yes, they do have a sense of humor). From there, one can extrapolate flaws and other secondary traits from the base archetypes.

And in this case you've given us:


That's actually not too far off of the fervent nationalism and supremacy associated with Nazi Germany (Aryan/one true race thing), which itself is a kind of corruption of Prussian Virtues. I would take issue with the specific evolution mechanic, since I don't think it really carries over so directly from game to narrative medium.

Point is, one doesn't have to completely defy the established norm to come up with something interesting. On the contrary, taking an approach that is meant to be explicitly in defiance of the stereotype can be almost as bad as being boring and unoriginal. I find it more interesting to deconstruct the stereotype, get down to its bare bones, and work up from there.

It's the bits around the edges I'm not sure about. Part of me doesn't think this is a criticism of the story, per se, but Hideki's method of teaching bugs me. Well, it's not teaching - "Go away and be better" isn't teaching at all. There's a hint of this in Surge as well, quick as he is to teach through humiliation or intimidation, only explaining afterwards what the point of it all was. Like I say, I'm not sure whether this can really be considered a criticism, because no-one ever said your readers can't think your characters are idiots.

Fixed it, I think.

Yeah looking back, that Hideki moment was awkward, but I've gone and tweaked it. I admit I hadn't really given that moment nearly as much thought as I ought to have, and was more intent on getting to the next scene. With Hideki specifically, I'm trying to go a little more for a Miyamoto Musashi "Five Rings" approach to instruction. When I read the Five Rings, the writer/instructor would more often introduce concepts and encourage the reader to think how to apply them, rather than give specific examples. I'm working to make that concept a major part of Hideki's characterization and method of teaching. Miyagi from the Karate Kid had something of a similar vein in his teaching method, but I'm not going quite that way (though the idea of doing dojo chores has its merits, and would not be entirely out of place in a Japanese style school). Hideki's method is intended more to be in the vein of Musashi's Five Rings.

Similarly with Surge and the "humiliation/intimidation" approach. It's a mark of his militarism, particularly an American (or American-like) military approach to training and instruction, where the instructor more or less issues a challenge and dares the student to face and overcome it. It's not meant to be an actual attack and provocation, but it taps into the same base core, and channels it toward the goal the instructor had set. Explaining the the reasoning behind his methods beforehand would in-fact defeat the very purpose of that style of instruction.

All that business with the stances, though, is something that has a lot of wordcount to it but doesn't really do a lot for the chapter. I certainly think it's a lot of words spent on something that I don't visualise well - if you really must describe the routine in detail, then the description needs to be a lot more polished than that. More importantly I'm not sure what it really adds to the chapter or the story, given how much space is devoted to it

In the descriptions, I use the description of the form to subtly introduce concepts that are intended to be built upon as the story progresses. For example; the idea of "central stability, but not much action to take from it" is a subtle reference to Peter's current development: while stable and easy, the central stance of Peter's life prior to the story isn't capable of much, and doesn't utilize the full potential of his skills and abilities. Likewise, the central stance of the form doesn't utilize the full potential of the body, whereas the less stable stances and their movements, while requiring practice and skill, will utilize the body's full potential. Hints are further dropped at the Modability of the form, that more complex techniques can be integrated into the form, as more complex strategies and ways of thinking can be integrated into how Peter approaches, well, everything.
 
Awards review time!

Simple but effective. Man with job gets stuck with a Pokémon who evolves and becomes uncontrollable, he ventures out to fix her problem and at the same time starts to find some purpose in life. While things can move too quickly, and the ‘drowning/burning’ man dream sequences seem more for show at the moment, the storyline works as it is not horribly complicated and takes a more slice-of-life/philosophical approach to the journey fic and the idea of travelling with Pokémon, presenting a surprisingly relatable story for something set in a world of exploding, duelling monster-pets.

Your descriptions of the settings improves over the course of the story, but even in the more recent chapters, setting is kept to a bare minimum: enough to give you an idea of what the author was thinking, but not enough to paint a truly detailed picture. The fact that Peter moves quickly between place to place gives little room for the physical world to come through.

The story does a better job of portraying the societal world, giving a detailed idea of how people and Pokémon work together and the gym system. It could be expanded on as that element has been ignored a bit since Peter left for his journey, but we still get hints of it rarely seen in other stories.

I am not a fan of dialogue heavy stories, and this one, particularly in early chapters, is extremely heavy on that front, meaning there is little time for description and anything else, personally. I also found the reliance on cliffhanger endings rather distracting and at times rather irritating.

The characters are the best part of this story, easily. Everyone feels unique and can stand apart from their neighbours, even minor characters such as the random trainer with the Growlithe Peter fought. Peter and Jolteon are a pair that perfectly complement each other, and their respective growth has helped the story mature across only a few chapters, while the supporting cast, particularly Surge, fulfil their roles without feeling rammed in there for the sake of being there.

Peter is an interesting lead largely for the fact he is so utterly normal. This could almost be a proper story if it didn’t have Pokémon in it and you replaced Eevee with a kid or something. The fact it is a Pokémon story means that Peter is a pleasant oddity in the community, and has all the attributes to be a good lead.

His main problem at the moment is that he is just a bit dull (he isn't particularly funny or heroic) and there are these hints at something darker subconsciously about him but we haven’t really gotten to the gritty side of that yet. He also hasn't had much of an opportunity to make decisions for himself and hasn't really set a lot of goals - it is realistic, but not exciting to read at time

The tournament has gone a long way to making him a more interesting lead, but he needs just a little bit more – some quirks, some secrets revealed – to push him on. He remains very original though largely as he is so normal, which makes for a nice change XD

For a while now, I’ve wondered what it was about Jolteon that has helped her win this award multiple times. Reading the story in full, I can see it now. It is so rare to have a Pokémon that cannot talk and cannot really do much prove to be such a fascinating, well developed character. The fact the author has managed to make such a realistic character with a Pokémon is no easy feat, and Jolteon easily stands out from the pack.
My one criticism around her would be that she isn't particularly entertaining, but she has grown a lot in recent chapters, going from completely scared to more willing to stand up for herself. I worry as well where she can go from her, but currently Jolteon is one of the most original and thought out characters we have had for quite some time.

Technically, there a lot of mistakes particularly in the early chapters, and though there is improvement in recent chapters, many of the same mistakes – particularly around full stops at the end of dialogue – remain.

The best thing about this story is how it’s a nice journey story that doesn’t rely on the typical storyline tropes of the genre to get going. Everything about it manages to feel mostly original without being clichéd or forced, and it makes for a delightful read. Some of the stylistic choices and technical mistakes do let it down, and it would be nice to see more of the world and less of just how Peter views it. This story has a lot of potential to excel though, and some more care with writing and improved dialogue and descriptions would make it an even greater read.
 
This Awards judging was so long, I had to put it in a spoiler tag! Here you go!

A Sine of Things to Come | chaos_Leader


PLOT

It's a slice-of-life fic, to preface my review. This simultaneously helps and hinders the story. As someone who doesn't enjoy slow-paced writing, I didn't expect to like the story.

Now, this is my personal preference (so take it with a grain of salt), but I've gotten impatient. I want more about the overarching plot. Where is/are the villain(s)? The legendaries? Where is the immediate conflict? What is going on behind the scenes?

I feel like there needs to be a bit more foreshadowing of future problems to keep it interesting. Sure, Peter is gonna be the very best like no one ever was, but he overcomes most individual problems within a few hours apiece. He's a great protagonist and the burning and drowning men are intriguing; are they metaphors or alternate universe counterparts? chaos_Leader has set up a great mystery and done an excellent job of keeping this slow-paced story fresh-- and that's saying a lot for the genre. Frankly, the story can continue on at this pace and be completely fine; I speak from the perspective of a reader who gets bored of stories very quickly.

SETTING

He does a good job of setting up the location's appearance, but otherwise, this is set in a standard Kanto. Nothing strikes me as wrong with that. However, the symbiotic relationship of people and Pokemon literally working together is great, even though it's mostly presented in Chapter I.

CHARACTERIZATION

Excellent characterization all around. Peter Sine is a very plain protagonist, but that's where he draws his strength. He is not some eager little kid who's high on life. Although he's just along for the ride, he's grown a bit from when he left home. My only real complaint . . . is that he seems too real. I keep asking myself: is Peter Sine a self-insert? Frankly, if so, he's the best one I've read.

I like Surge, but I wonder what kind of fool would fire a Focus Blast at Peter. That's the Fighting-type equivalent of a Hyper Beam, man! You can't just dial it down to low! So, yeah, that just seems so irrational for a clean-cut Army Man like Surge.

STYLE

For starters, A Sine of Things to Come has the best descriptions of electromagnetism I've ever seen in a fic (cough Ely's magnets cough). Hands down.

I've enjoyed the biological explanations, even if they make me scratch my head at times trying to imagine how they'd actually function in reality. The electrical engineering references are golden. 10/10. My only complaint with them is two-fold because there are two kinds of readers: those who understand electromagnetism and those who don't. The descriptions are nice and clear, don't get me wrong. But I find myself skimming them because it's a rehash of basic physics with a whooooooooooole lot of explaining. Every single chapter brings some kind of explanation. Yes, yes, I know how constructive interference works.

Yet I feel like I'm making an unfair argument because the latter kind of readers (especially those with zero interest in E&M) will also skim over what they perceive as endless technobabble. It's a hard bargain, but ultimately, I feel like chaos_Leader rides that fine line quite well. It's a matter of: which group should I pander to? He's chosen the masses, and honestly, I can't blame him.

The best explanation I saw was the one describing Peter/Jolteon working together in harmony and "Harmony" (in the electromagnetic sense). That was a simple, clever inclusion of the physics + characterization. The others seemed forced by comparison.

Looooots of karate explanation, which, unfortunately, led to a lot of skimming on my behalf. Sorry, chaos_Leader. Hiyah!

TECHNICALITIES

Minor errors here and there. The occasional "'[insert words],' the young man said," moment will occur and confuse me. This is personal preference, but those description tags generally break my immersion because I sit there and wonder, "who is this 'young man?'" and then I just realize it's Peter. A minor complaint, but it really does break the story's smooth flow. In conclusion . . . the story has a magnetic quality. ;)


(Yo, chaos_Leader, I drink coffee with salt, just like Peter! I was so impressed when I saw that!)

Peter Sine | Protagonist

Depth

Thanks to the latest developments, he's beginning to really take shape. He's realistic enough that I feel like I could sit down and have a nice chat with Peter. His characterization is slowing down a bit because we're entering the plottier chapters. Hideki's examination was a bit shoehorned ("You are [description] and [description] and . . .") because it seemed a little too easy to just tell the readers what we already know about Peter.

Development

It's the little things. He's slowly learning karate and getting some E&M-related introspection, which is nice. He's learning how to be in harmony/constructive interference[?]/etc with Jolteon.

Even mentioning that Sine = Sinè in Kalosian terms was a nice touch. It helped make the last name pun seem more authentic, given the swathe of ~unique names~ that come up in this fandom. And, of course, the way he drinks coffee is a nice touch. He's very realistic.

Originality

Peter is so "unoriginal" (by comparison to, for example, a Chosen One/child genius that's going to save the world) and normal that it makes him original. [I'm being redundant here, but you get the idea!].

Entertainment Value

Now, on the topic of said originality . . . Peter isn't supremely interesting. This is a good starting point (since he's going to grow along the journey), but he's still very vanilla. His usage of his technical background is a refreshing touch. It's good to see him actually using it for battles/etc. While I enjoy the electromagnetism plot points/etc, that's the most notable part of Peter. The other characters are more interesting, but I expect that to change.

Contribution

Characters like Surge and Hideki have been the centerpieces for Peter's development (which appears to be the crux of the story). But, of course, Peter is still the protagonist. He's still a very unique lens for viewing his journey. I like this guy.


Jolteon | Pokemon Character

Depth

Although she's animalistic at the core, she expresses guilt over the various destruction she causes (even something as simple a light bulb). Jolteon, while still timid, has made progress. Even after being depleted of significant charge (while battling Surge's Raichu), she still managed to leap up and take a Focus Blast attack aimed at Peter. da fuq is wrong with you, Surge

Development

Her development has stalled a bit, now that we're focusing a lot on Peter. Yes, she's adorable and likes to do adorable things. But, ultimately, that's more of an entertainment aspect.

Originality

chaos_Leader has expertly gotten past the potentially-cheesy "here's an Eevee as your starter!" situation and now, Jolteon is beginning to show more of a personality. I can't quite say that "super-powerful, dangerous starter" is the most original concept, but the way it's handled is more important.

Entertainment Value

She's adorable. She's an unholy combination of cat, dog, and capacitor. How can you not love that?

Contribution

Jolteon hasn't really led the plot during this second half of the story. She's been adorable, yes, but characters like Surge and Hideki have been the driving force in these chapters (i.e. "do this tedious exercise" and "learn karate").
 
Ch 11: Tension, Progression, Resolution.
Day Seven: Rest

Peter first took a brief moment to collect himself, set his hands on the piano keyboard, and played a single note. As the tone rang out in his ears, the young man pictured the waveform in his mind: mainly a simple sine wave, flowing in even, gentle peaks and troughs oscillating at 220 Hz, 220 cycles per second. He pictured its place on a written music staff as well, 'Middle C' as it was called in the usual musical vernacular, one of the very first notes taught to those learning music.

One note cannot stand alone.

He played another note with the first, and a third. Like the lone note before, Peter pictured the music staff with relevant notation, and visualized the resulting waveform, but more importantly, Peter listened. Written music and graphic waveform were merely tools to represent visually what was ultimately an auditory experience. So instead, he listened to the trio of tones, carefully parsed out how each note interacted with the other two simultaneously, how they reinforced and strengthened each other.

They were stable together, a sturdy foundation, but still it was only a static chord, with no movement or progression, lifeless.

That's when Peter introduced a fourth tone to the mix, which caused tension, and grated against the stable harmony. Even in the visualizations in his mind this was apparent: the notes were crowded uncomfortably close on the music staff notation, and the uniform waveform became an erratic mess. Now was the interesting part, what to do about all this unpleasant tension?

What indeed?

To this end, Peter simply let go of any apprehension or doubt, and let his hands wander the keyboard. It was at once as simple as it seemed, and also fiendishly more complex. The young man's ear was trained, practiced, familiar with an extensive array of tone combinations. His hands and reflexes knew their way around the keyboard itself, knew where to find the notes that could created dissonances as well as build harmonies. That's not to say every note and chord that emerged was perfect, quite the contrary actually: to an unassuming listener, what Peter was creating seemed to be merely a disorganized hodgepodge of tones.

Yet all the while, he listened.

He listened carefully to what emerged from the aimless jumble: listened for interesting sets of harmonies, or an intriguing string of notes. When Peter's wandering fingers came up with something, he made a mental note of what it was exactly, examined it, put it to musical notation in his mind, and experimented with it. He played the harmonies, shuffled their individual tones around, bounced around them, wandered a bit off course to see if there was anything else interesting nearby, and–

“Are you finding everything alright?” a polite voice asked, and Peter nearly jumped up off the simple piano bench when he heard the sales associate.

Now out of that trance-like state, the young man settled back into an awareness of his immediate surroundings. Peter Sine was in a music store in Vermilion City, sitting at one of the high-end electric keyboards that were set out on display. Jolteon was there with him, sitting next to Peter's knee, with her head cocked a bit to the side in an expression of curiosity and interest. Off to his side was the stylishly unkempt sales representative who was working the store when Peter came in.

“Oh, um, yes,” Peter uttered while he put on a polite smile for the store employee, who was only trying to do a job, “just doodling around the keyboard.”

“It sounded pretty good to me.”

“Thanks,” the young man responded humbly. He was only fooling around a bit, and didn't even mean to go so far in-depth.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tension, Progression, Resolution

------------------------------------------------------------------------


Day Twelve: Battle Practice

In the Saffron City Fighting Dojo, Elekid and Jolteon practiced against each other, but only with direct physical attacks, no electric techniques, since their training here was meant to develop their close-quarters capabilities. They had been at it for a few hours now, while Peter monitored their practice, and he saw that Gregory's suggested weight and endurance training for Jolteon was paying off. Even after hours of rigorous practice, Jolteon was still keeping up with Elekid at every step.

As expected, Jolteon's superb agility and mobility gave her an edge against Elekid, but only as far as footwork and positioning. Though she could get many attacks in, and in quick succession, Jolteon wasn't able to land any decisive blow against her training partner. Elekid simply endured the flurry of light hits, and struck back. Though Jolteon could dodge and evade most of the strikes set against her, when Elekid did finally land a hit, it hit her hard.

Just then, Jolteon yelped in surprise and discomfort as one of Elekid's counterattacks struck home, knocking her off her feet and onto the floor of the practice room.

“Alright you two, that's enough for now,” Peter called out to them. “Time for a break.”

Responding to Peter's instruction, Elekid breathed a sigh of relief, wiping sweat from his forehead as he found a place to rest. Jolteon shook herself to her senses as she got to her feet, giving a snort of frustration. Though not exhausted, Jolteon was clearly worn down by the practice, panting heavily as she padded toward Peter. The young man stroked the weary Pokémon behind her ears to comfort her, and gave her a small battery to help recharge. Jolteon simply laid down at Peter's feet, battery in her paws, with barely any response.

“Hmm...” Peter uttered, unsettled by Jolteon's bizarrely mute reaction. He needed to figure out something, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Gregory's suggested training with the weighted harness had developed Jolteon's strength and endurance, but it hadn't yet helped with her technique. Elekid was able to endure the best strikes she had without much effort. If Jolteon was going to do well in the upcoming tournament, she'd need technique as much speed. Attacking head-on, however quickly Jolteon could do it, wasn't going to cut it.

For the time being, while the Pokémon rested, Peter Sine took a moment to observe some of the others around the practice room. Like himself with Jolteon and Elekid, several other Pokémon sparred against one another as they were watched by their trainers, but not as many as expected. The large practice space had almost emptied at the moment, and Peter soon saw why.

A small crowd had gathered around an ongoing sparring match nearby, occasionally whooping in delight and excitement. The wall of bodies between Peter and the bout masked the details of the scene, for now. Curious, the young man approached the minor spectacle, moving between and around a few of the other students to see what all the hubbub was about. Then he saw it: a sparring match.

On one side of the fight was a fierce Poliwrath, puffing out its chest and showing off the spiral pattern on its torso. Behind the stalwart water type was a large, boisterous man wearing the dojo's training uniform, but also a curious mask with jagged white ridges across his head.

“Careful now Poliwrath!” the large masked man hollered, nearly giddy with excitement. “Your opponent may be small, but makes up for it with pure distilled determination!”

The aforementioned opponent, as it turned out, was Helena's Riolu. The little blue fighting type stood opposite Poliwrath in an active stance, glowering at his opponent with fire in his eyes, seething with a tenacity that Peter might even consider rage. Helena herself stood fast behind Riolu, keeping her eyes on her opponent.

“Steady as it goes, Riolu,” Helena stated calmly. “Wait for just the right moment–”

“Wait no more! The time is now!” bellowed the large man as he struck a grand pose. “Pour down the beat-down with all your might, Poliwrath!”

Poliwrath followed the command and lunged at Helena's Riolu. Riolu though lunged right back, howling with sheer ferocity as he darted toward his opponent. From where Peter stood, it looked absolutely comical, how this jumped-up little tyke of a Pokémon was intent on meeting a Poliwrath more than twice his size head-on. Helena's Riolu was pretty good, granted, but not that good–

In an instant, the two fighting Pokémon met, but it wasn't the horrendously one-sided clash Peter was expecting. At the last possible moment, Riolu had tweaked his course and positioning just to the side of and beneath the charging Poliwrath's center of mass. In a whirl of movement too quick to be seen clearly, Poliwrath was flung to the ground at Riolu's feet in mighty thump, followed by astonished gasps and excited cheers from the onlookers.

For a few moments, Helena's Riolu drank in the attention and basked in his pride. The little blue fighting type stood triumphant over the toppled foe, turning his nose up with a gleeful smirk. Helena's own reaction was subtle: a small surprised smile. Possibly she felt embarrassed by her Riolu's showy behavior.

The large masked man however seemed to be having the time of his life, as his booming voice cut through the moment with a hearty laugh, saying, “I hate to rain on a good parade, but we're not all dried up yet!”

Then it happened.

While still face-down and prone, Poliwrath spun its stocky body around on its arms, crashing into Riolu's legs. With a startled yelp, the smaller Pokémon toppled down as his legs were swept out from unde him, and he landed in the waiting arms of Poliwrath. In mere moments, Riolu was caught in a tight submission hold. No matter how he squirmed, no matter how he thrashed and fought with every desperate ounce of resolve, Poliwrath held firm. With his arms pinned and legs splayed away, all Helena's hapless Riolu could do was snarl and howl with rage against his foe's hold.

At that moment, Helena rushed to her Pokémon's side, crying out, “that's enough!”

Riolu barked back at her with defiance, still struggling against his opponent's hold, as if to assure Helena that he could still win this. Yet the more he twisted and writhed, the more Poliwrath tightened the grip, and Riolu let out a painful wail as his joints were strained even more.

Then Helena turned to the large masked man, offering him a small humble bow as she said, “Mr. Wake, I concede defeat, even if Riolu won't. I'm so sorry for my Pokémon's stubborn behavior.”

“No apology needed, water under the bridge, but if I may have a moment with Riolu?” Mr. Wake asked, motioning toward the two still-grappling Pokémon with an open hand.

Helena looked at the scene a moment, then back to Mr. Wake, and with a nod answered, “alright.”

The large masked man stepped in front of his Poliwrath and Helena's Riolu, still caught in a helpless grapple, and ordered, “let him go.”

And just like that, the Poliwrath released the little blue fighting type and stepped away. Riolu was left laying on the floor panting for breath. He still glared and snarled at Poliwrath, until the great imposing figure of Mr. Wake knelt down to his level.

“It's not easy to admit defeat, especially in front of such a lively audience,” the large man said, making a broad gesture all around to the now conspicuously quiet onlookers. Then he held out a hand to Riolu, saying, “but you don't need to be ashamed by defeat.”

The little blue Pokémon stared at Mr. Wake's hand for a few moments with a perplexed look. At the same time the space went quiet, as all gathered watched with bated breath to see what would happen next.

After a few stretched-out moments of consideration, Riolu cautiously reached a paw out to the man as he got to his feet. Yet at the moment he took Mr. Wake's hand, the large man quickly hoisted the little blue Pokémon up and onto his shoulder. Before Riolu could protest, or even express his surprise beyond widened eyes, the masked man was already taking center stage.

“Let's hear it for Riolu!” Mr. Wake boldly proclaimed. “What a fighter!

To which the audience replied with a chorus of congratulatory whoops and cheers. Even Peter himself found he was contributing to the hearty applause as he clapped his hands. After a brief moment of this, the applause settled down to an excited murmur, and Helena's Riolu was likewise returned to solid ground.

Peter moved through the gradually dispersing group to where Helena and Mr. Wake were, and came across a curious scene. Three of the dojo's students had approached the large masked man, offered a polite bow, and then spoke in perfect unison, “Crasher Wake sir, we humbly request to challenge you.”

“Already?” Crasher Wake replied with a lively chortle. “Poliwrath ought to have a good rest before another battle, don't you think?”

“Not a Pokémon battle, Crasher Wake sir,” one of the challengers corrected. “We wish to fight against you.

“Ha! In that case I'm happy to stir up a few rounds! Who wants to go first!?”

Then Mr. Wake swaggered his way out of this training room, with the posse of eager students at his heels. One by one, the rest of the students dispersed as well, some of them following the spectacle to where it would show next. It wasn't long until Peter and Helena were left more or less alone with their Pokémon in the training room, away from the gaggle of dojo students so enamored by the weird masked man.

“Who was that, exactly?” Peter asked now that he had the chance to do so in relative privacy.

“Him? That was Crasher Wake: a gym leader visiting from Sinnoh." Helena answered, "When Riolu saw him training, he just ran right up to Mr. Wake's Poliwrath and tried to pick a fight right there and then. Crasher Wake, being the um, splashy sportsman that he is, laughed it off and indulged Riolu, which brings us to now,” Helena explained, and switched to a mild scolding tone as she turned toward her Riolu, “and I hope you learned something from all this, mister: you can't just go and challenge everyone willy-nilly all the time and expect not to lose sometimes.”

Riolu for his part had turned away with arms folded in a kind of begrudging pout, even now too proud to concede. However, out of all this, an idea emerged...

“Actually, I thought it was pretty impressive how Riolu handled Poliwrath with that throw,” Peter said, moving to Riolu's side, directing his next words to the Pokémon as much as Helena. “Is there any chance Jolteon could be taught something similar?”

At this thought, both Helena and Riolu looked at each other, and turned toward Elekid with a hard, scrutinizing look. In response, Elekid took a small step back as a worried look overtook his small face.

“Elekid, we need your help,” Helena said in an encouraging a tone as she knelt down to his level. “Can we count on you to be a tough little trooper?”

Upon hearing this, the look of worry on Elekid's face became one of utter, wide-eyed terror. He frantically glanced between Helena, Riolu, Peter, and Jolteon, but found no escape in any of them. Under Helena's gentle gaze and earnest request, the little electric-type summoned the courage necessary, then gave a perilous nod.

“Thank you Elekid!” Helena said as she gave the Pokémon a grateful embrace. “Now lets get started!”

From this point, Helena assembled a quick impromptu training session between Riolu, Elekid and Jolteon. Riolu acted as an 'instructor' to Jolteon, demonstrating and teaching the mechanics of the throw, while Elekid acted as the assistant and 'living practice dummy'. Though the motions of Riolu's throw couldn't translate exactly for Jolteon and her quadruped configuration, similar principles could be applied. In this way, rather than meeting force head-on, Jolteon could utilize her speed and agility to attain superior positioning, and use the force of her opponent against them.

“I can't believe I didn't think of this before,” Peter uttered once the Pokémon settled into their routine, “it makes so much sense, and somehow it didn't occur to me.”

“We all could use a little inspiration once in a while, or an extra set of eyes, or second opinion,” Helena reassured as she watched the three Pokémon practice. “Some things just can't be done alone, or at the very least shouldn't be.”

Alone: that's how Peter had lived most of his life, and he'd been content with solitude in that time. It was peaceful, predictable, controllable. So much hand changed now, and he was far out of his element. This, right now, was a chance for Peter to not be alone for all this craziness, to at least have some support. Easy enough, right? Just ask the question, Helena was right here.

Then again, it had been a long time since Peter last tried this, and it didn't go well at all. He shuddered as he recalled just how horribly that last foray went, silently cursing his own awkward faults. Suddenly this stopped being a good idea. It was a ticking time bomb of sorts, and he'd volunteered himself to disarm it. Frankly he'd prefer his chances with an actual bomb; those had wires, and Peter Sine was comfortable with wires–

Oh come on! Of all the things to be afraid of or worried about, this had to be the absolute least dangerous or troublesome. This was how an ignorant, self-absorbed teen behaved, and was unbecoming for someone beyond all that. It's just conversation, make the words and say them already!

“Well, speaking of things that shouldn't be done alone,” that's just great, he couldn't have opened with a more corny line if he went to a farm. No backing down now, time to finish what he started, “I'm going to enter a tournament in about a week with Jolteon, and I'd like some company for it. Would you like to join me?”

There, it was done, and as far as Peter was concerned, he couldn't have botched that up any harder if he tried. He held his breath, and braced himself for the variety of polite, roundabout phrases that would all equate to a 'no'. He must have seemed like a damned fool to her, and he couldn't blame her for declining–

“You're not putting Jolteon through too much strain and stress for this tournament, are you?” Helena asked with a suspicious undertone. “Fierce competition just isn't healthy for such a young Pokémon, especially if she has problems controlling her power.”

“No, not at all, it's nothing too intense! The tournament is just a small time thing the company I work for does,” Peter answered quickly, “more importantly though, it gives something for me and Jolteon to work toward. My thinking is, if we do well there, then I know we'll be great partners for whatever lies ahead for us.”

Was that good, or bad? As if it wasn't already weird enough, now Peter was left hanging, blindsided by prying questions instead of a simple 'yes' or 'no'. Could this farce just be over and done with already, please?

“Well there's just no way for me to know that for sure from your word alone,” Helena huffed, and placed her hands on her hips, “I suppose I'll just have to come and see this tournament for myself.”

“So, that's a 'yes', isn't it?”


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX​


Special thanks to these fine folks for their help in The Samples Thread, without whom some key points wouldn't be nearly as interesting to read.
@diamondpearl876
@AceTrainer14
@Beth Pavell

Thank you for sticking with it this far, and as always, your feedback is most welcome.

Edit Notes 01/16/2018:
Cleaned up formatting/grammar/spelling and the like. Minor tweaks to narration voice. little/no content change.
 
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In reply to your review game request. I've read and will review day 7.

The first thing that catches my eye is that this is a character whose life is clearly not defined by just pokemon. If there was ever a trope more common in these things is that pokemon absolutely take over a character's life. They tend to be their main hobby and interest, but here reading that opening there isn't a sign of pokemon anywhere. You've already made a far more compelling world and character right there because they exist outside of the pokemon they train. Personally, I'm also a fan of the specificity that the narrator goes into. If something interests a person they can get really into the details. Even though this is my first introduction to the character I already feel far more invested in them because there's something there, and it's normal and relatable. I'm not a musician, but I do build with lego's so I get knowing all that technical jargon with things you love. At the same time I was entirely lost by what it really meant. I'm not sure it's important that I know what a middle C is besides what the character tells me though, it's a beginner's note, a simple starting point. I suppose it will depend on if it's used for detail and depth of the character or if it could come up in the plot, and that I simply can't say right now.

Moving to the training, I think the details surrounding the training with the technicalities of how they are trying to get better are interesting, though the combat doesn't exactly sound lively. It feels very light and weak, and while you do talk about Jolteon not having any hard hitting moves yet it read more like Jolteon was tapping a brick wall. The elekid's hit isn't bad, but it also feels like this entire thing was all those weak hits, and then elekid OHKO's jolteon. It isn't built to in any satisfying way.

The Riolu fight is far more interesting, though I do have issues trying to exactly imagine the sweeping kick poliwrath did.

"While still face-down and prone, Poliwrath spun its stocky body around on its arms, crashing into Riolu's legs."

So he somehow is doing an out to the side push up to then spin his whole body fast enough to perform a sweeping kick? It sounds extremely cartoony, but maybe that's just me.

Everything else felt solid from a story standpoint. I especially liked the comparison of conversation or having to ask a question to a ticking time bomb. I have felt what it's like to be in that kind of hot-seat before, and it is so apt.

Otherwise, I did also listen through this (as it's my new favorite way to find errors), and you do have a couple spelling errors, but they are pretty minor.
 
I've found myself putting this one off for want of something substantial to say, but after a point you just have to give up. It was ok. Entirely functional, completely competent, but not a lot to really point out. The action prose was pretty good, of the sort that I like to see in Pokémon fanfic - more concerned with the battle as a story than as a something to be ticked off the list
 
I have to be honest, whenever I see you update you fic I both become surprise but also a bit hesitant. Not cause it’s bad, but rather cause with how the pacing of the story goes I’m afraid the chapter will be slow and I’ll take too long to read it. However, my fears are unfounded every time.

You have a very interesting way of making events and description that in most other stories would come off as boring or slow down the pacing come off really well. The scene at the start with Peter playing the piano might feel a bit unnecessary, but if you look at it from the perspective of someone getting into training, it comes off as him trying to understand the ways in which different elements and events come together to create something amazing, something that can definitely be attributed to battles.

That aside, I also appreciate the way in which you keep explaining how physical combat can also help with Pokemon battles. We’re so used to the out of this world clashes of elements that we sometimes forget that just two bodies colliding with one another and trying to take each other down can be just as great. This is exemplified in the battle between Riolu and Poliwrath, you don’t even rely on any moves for this.

Having said that, I feel like your prose, particularly when it gets into Peter’s head, can get a little purple. It’s mostly when he’s musing and we go into his inner monologue that it feels redundant. At the end of the chapter for example, he’s constantly thinking about how he’s prepared for Helena to say no and well…it kind of takes a while for us to know what her answer is (three paragraphs), it’s not too jarring but you should definitely watch out for that.

That being said, Helena’s and Peter’s interactions are pretty fun and they do have some chemistry together but…I’m kind of worried that Helena is still a pretty one note character. Heck, she kind of comes off as a manic pixie dream girl in a way with her boisterous but outgoing and friendly demeanor, not to mention that she and Peter became fast friends really quickly even with their age gape. The age gap is another thing that I’m a bit iffy on, mostly because it’s not something you usually see in stories here.

So I’ll definitely say that you should focus on fleshing out and showing us more aspects of Helena’s character if you can, especially if she’s going to become a regular or even our heroine. Another thing you should watch out for is featuring a lot of canon characters. You’ve shown off three gymleaders so far, and while that’ snot bad in and of itself it could become a bite much and kind of unrealistic that they’re all just hanging around when Peter’s there. So I’ll say you should make sure not to overdo it.

Grammatically and style-wise, this chapter wasn’t too bad. You did have some odd sounding sentences here and there that kind of threw me off. Another thing I noticed was this:

So much hand changed now,

That should be had shouldn’t it? Still that’s the only real grammatical issue I could find, so it’s just a thing of reading and rereading (it’s something that we all have a hard time with to be honest).

To close things off, I’m sad that you can’t update this more because of your work situation, because I definitely am interested in seeing where Peter’s story takes him and what he’ll learn. So keep up and I’ll try to keep up as well.
 
Hi! Here for the review game and whatnot.

So I want to start off by mentioning your musical opening, which was, in my opinion, beautifully written. I don't write music or anything myself, but I took a fair amount of audiology classes in my college days, so I could still picture what you were describing. I think that, even without any background knowledge, people could picture Peter's thought process just fine - or, if not, readers can at least get the strong feeling of Peter's passion for music as well as his talent for it (which was nicely emphasized by him being brought out of the moment by a sales cashier in a store, of all places - I didn't expect that).

I feel that the pacing of the fic as well as its overall writing quality would seem stronger if all of it was written this way. The rest of the chapter feels like a mix of rushing past more training sessions and throwing philosophical or important life lessons in Peter's direction (and in this chapter specifically, Helena's riolu gets that kind of treatment). The life lessons are fine once in a while, but they can get grating if used repeatedly because it doesn't seem realistic, even if this is meant to be a growing period for him. I hope that makes sense. If not, I can elaborate further, of course.

After reading what you put in the samples thread, the scene with asking Helena to join the tournament was better than what I saw before. Like Flaze says, it was a little drawn out, but the juvenile feeling of it was fixed. I didn't mention it in the samples thread, but I like the little amount of depth that scene added to Helena's character. She doesn't immediately say yes or no - she defends Jolteon and makes sure she's being taken care of before considering a proper response. That means she cares. However, Helena throwing Riolu into a training session after being strangled by a Poliwrath contradicts her supposedly caring personality.

My thoughts are a bit scattered here, but... yeah. 8) I'll be back for the next chapter, as always.
 
Hello! I've seen this story around for awhile but never actually got started on it. That changes today. Here are my thoughts on the first chapter.

I'm loving the description. It's interesting, purposeful and really puts an interesting spin on the mundane crap that we ignore in our day to day lives. None of it feels wasted. Never thought I'd say it, but I enjoyed "he turned the light on" for once!

Maybe it's because I have a basic understanding of how synth music and music production works in general, but the opening monologue about how Mr. Sine was working with the software felt a little too wordy to me.

You know, I'm actually digging Peter's passion for the technical side of his job. I have experience with electrical myself, and while it's not a fun job, the stuff needs to get done, as the narrator has said a few times. It's strangely bringing back memories of my time on the job where I'd spend 12 hour days putting up wires, making connections and turning it all on to see a good job done right. I hated that job so much, but the memories are good for some reason? What kind of black magic are you casting on me?! Good on Peter, though, it's people like him that make our society possible, people like him that go completely unnoticed. It's nice to see a story put a focus on a blue collar bloke in a good light for once.

Speaking of technical experience, I'm curious if you have any with any of this stuff. A lot of the details are suspiciously accurate, from the music stuff to the radio and electrical bits. I haven't done a lot with communications myself, but I imagine the underlying principles are similar to electrical, and the details are deceptively complicated sometimes. It's strange to see accurate representations of this stuff when most other writers get it wrong. LOVE!

Overall, an interesting start, and definitely something I'll continue to read as it develops, even if I do so quietly. I like that this isn't the standard journey, but there's definite rumbles in the distance that Peter's going to possibly juggle his technician job, his potential budding music career and a professional pokemon training career at the same time (judging from what I've seen of this in the awards with the Jolteon being awarded best character, I think this is a given even to a new reader like me). I like stories that aren't just "I'm a kid. I'm good. I beat up gyms. Look at me go!", and the quality here is definitely on the higher side. Good work!

Now, some things I noticed in the first chapter, changes in bold:
Missing word said:
he still needed to experiment to find the right voice to carry them
Missing word said:
"It's why I called you: I know I can count on you, even in these awkward inconvenient situations."
Possible missing word? said:
including a hardhat, a pair of heavy boots, and a bright safety vest.
I'm not entirely certain on this one, but it feels like the sentence flows better with the added "a" than without it. Personal preference, though.
Some grammar changes said:
his words carried a strong, sense of nostalgia.
Capitalization is missing in this sentence, as well as end punctuation.
Word jumble said:
looking out into the dense Viridian forest as it passed by outside the truck window,
Got a little confusing here with a couple of missing words, hopefully this fix works.
More grammar changes said:
"Right this way." he led the young worker inside, explaining as he spoke. "We'll ascend
"Yeah, sorry." The young worker responded.
Some more capitalization/punctuation I noticed.

And a general point on grammar I'll make, since there's a lot of it. I don't know the specifics of this rule myself as I see a lot of people do it differently, but I've been told that, in dialogue, always end the part in quotes with a comma if it's just one sentence. Most of yours are done with periods. Should you end a second sentence with a comma, especially if it flows into the descriptor ("Holy crap! That's a cool bike," he said.)? I'm not actually certain, I've never looked it up myself. However, the first bit is definitely something to keep in mind, something a lot of people pointed out to me until I started to do it myself.
 
Hello! I've seen this story around for awhile but never actually got started on it. That changes today. Here are my thoughts on the first chapter.

I'm loving the description. It's interesting, purposeful and really puts an interesting spin on the mundane crap that we ignore in our day to day lives. None of it feels wasted. Never thought I'd say it, but I enjoyed "he turned the light on" for once!

Maybe it's because I have a basic understanding of how synth music and music production works in general, but the opening monologue about how Mr. Sine was working with the software felt a little too wordy to me.

You know, I'm actually digging Peter's passion for the technical side of his job. I have experience with electrical myself, and while it's not a fun job, the stuff needs to get done, as the narrator has said a few times. It's strangely bringing back memories of my time on the job where I'd spend 12 hour days putting up wires, making connections and turning it all on to see a good job done right. I hated that job so much, but the memories are good for some reason? What kind of black magic are you casting on me?! Good on Peter, though, it's people like him that make our society possible, people like him that go completely unnoticed. It's nice to see a story put a focus on a blue collar bloke in a good light for once.

Speaking of technical experience, I'm curious if you have any with any of this stuff. A lot of the details are suspiciously accurate, from the music stuff to the radio and electrical bits. I haven't done a lot with communications myself, but I imagine the underlying principles are similar to electrical, and the details are deceptively complicated sometimes. It's strange to see accurate representations of this stuff when most other writers get it wrong. LOVE!

Overall, an interesting start, and definitely something I'll continue to read as it develops, even if I do so quietly. I like that this isn't the standard journey, but there's definite rumbles in the distance that Peter's going to possibly juggle his technician job, his potential budding music career and a professional pokemon training career at the same time (judging from what I've seen of this in the awards with the Jolteon being awarded best character, I think this is a given even to a new reader like me). I like stories that aren't just "I'm a kid. I'm good. I beat up gyms. Look at me go!", and the quality here is definitely on the higher side. Good work!

My profession is an audio technician for performance venue, and electronic music composition is a hobby on the side for me. So when I'm writing about these electrical/technical things, most of it is coming from experience/knowledge. The real trick of portraying it in story I think is finding ways to put some of these technical aspects in without either going over a reader's head with specific technical jargon, or essentially giving the readers a beginner's lesson in electrical engineering. More often, the challenge in a story is working to seem believable in a field.

Here's looking forward to hearing more, and eventually writing more.
 
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Please take the age of this thread into consideration in writing your reply. Depending on what exactly you wanted to say, you may want to consider if it would be better to post a new thread instead.
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