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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

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There is no terminal called 'End' in our lives.

Hi, I'm Blanc. I'm really shy about talking to people directly, so I decided to make my own little corner to prattle about in. It's been a hidden desire of mine to try and keep up one of these little blog diaries, and I feel like this is a calm enough place to do it. I'm going to preface that this blog is going to be a rather personal one, so please be mindful when viewing I may lightly go over some unsavory topics such as my mental health that I will do my best to keep as clean and safe to ingest for others to read as possible. I know this is still a 'me' space, but I just want to take care of everyone's well-being around me too. While I'm going to treat this as a diary of sorts, anyone is free to pop in and ask me any random questions, be it about the subjects, my art or just me as a person, I don't mind. Forgive me if I toss some doodles in here.

I haven't really done something like this before, or well, shared these kinds of things with others that aren't the very few people close to me in my life, so I apologize if I come off as awkward, frazzled, or difficult to understand. Sometimes not even them! My thoughts are just that corny and emotional. I usually keep my issues very very private so I'm going to mention them as delicately as I can. Nonetheless, please feel free to ask about things and I will do my best to answer what I can, the privacy is more for my own conscience since I feel kinda guilty to air out my 'dirty laundry' so to speak. In short, I don't really like to talk about particular parts of my life unless asked, but I don't mind answering. But with that said I will mention that I have chronic insomnia and my doctor prescribes me sleep medication to aid this, if you see me up at some weird hours, it's probably a result of said insomnia and forgetting my medication. It happens frequently. I'm really bad about it, but I'll get into all that eventually. I'd rather talk about the more fun sides of life first! So don't worry, I'll talk about fun stuff too, I just wanted to get the jist of things out of the way.

I guess you could say this will be half my daily thoughts/pondering and half self-introspection? Probably all of it will link back to my bond with Pokemon as a franchise somehow, LOL. I'm going back to therapy soon so who knows. At the end of the day, I'm just a tiny adult girl trying to pick up after the wreckage of my teenage years.

Oh yeah, and aside from general AMA, just feel free to chat here with me, I like to make friends. Treat this as a little train car we can all talk about our days in.

That being said, I have a gentle heart, please treat me softly.

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Let's have fun! All aboard!​
 
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‘NOTHER DAY, NOTHER HEADACHE… IN THIS HANG OVER HOTEL. ♡
ᵀᵒᵈᵃʸ’ˢ ˢᵒᶰᵍ: ᴹᵒᶰˢᵗᵉʳˢ ᵇʸ ᴬˡˡ ᵀᶤᵐᵉ ᴸᵒʷ

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Big day today, had to pay my doctor a visit because it’s about time for a refill on my meds. I just got home, waiting for the refill to go through so I can go pick it up. Aughhh, thank god the pharmacy is just up the street. Gonna try and take a nap after writing this before lunch… and THEN… hopefully they’ll be ready. I actually toned down my goth dress code today for the sake of my super christian doctor LOL. But I’ll turn it back up when I head back out later, all I changed was my crown and choker… gotta watch myself and all that.

After that I have to go pick up my cosplay from the cleaners that’ll be ready at 3, and then head over to the Pokemon card shop because I promised I’d hang out with my friends and we’re gonna go see a movie. I’m not feeling very social today (omega introvert) buuuut this isn’t the first time I sacrifice myself and my anxieties for the sake of my friends. What can you do LOL.

Also gotta find some time to prepare the gift box I’m making for my best friend! She’s my Ingo!

It’s near impossible for me to sleep without my meds though so I’m not hopeful on this nap… If it doesn’t work out I’ll probably just get up and draw. Other than that, I’m chillin’.
 
I actually toned down my goth dress code today for the sake of my super christian doctor LOL. But I’ll turn it back up when I head back out later, all I changed was my crown and choker… gotta watch myself and all that.
First time popping in here, sorry if I'm stalling the train of thought, but I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about dressing goth! Well, a very casual version at least, since I fall asleep so often I don't want to ruin any of my clothes or makeup accidentally. Its so cool though! what got you into goth if I may ask, and do you have any favorite gothic inspirations?
 
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First time popping in here, sorry if I'm stalling the train of thought, but I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about dressing goth! Well, a very casual version at least, since I fall asleep so often I don't want to ruin any of my clothes or makeup accidentally. Its so cool though! what got you into goth if I may ask, and do you have any favorite gothic inspirations?
Hii Mari! And HAHA! Not at all! Please feel free to pop in whenever, trains are all about making stops! Welcome in! First of all, I’m so happy you’re considering it! It’s a really empowering style and I can guarantee choosing to dress this way has improved my mood, it makes me feel very strong! I feel that big time about falling asleep… usually I only wear eyeliner, foundation and nail polish makeup wise. I’m not sure why but I’m not fond of wearing a lot of makeup. Please consider wearing even casual stuff, it’d be so fun to have someone to yell about coords with besides my best friend!

As for what got me into it, hmm… You know, this is actually a very interesting question! Mostly because I never really suddenly decided I was into it, it was an aesthetic interest that just sort of gradually happened! Since I was about 14 I had a habit of drawing somewhat ‘dark’ things on occasion, and as I got older it just started to happen more and more frequently. I think I can stem most everything back to my first favorite anime, D.Gray-man, which is a gothic shounen. I think that influenced a lot of my vibe going forward— that and another anime I loved back then called Rozen Maiden, another gothic anime about dolls in the ‘Alice game’.

I was also very into CLAMP and Pandora Hearts and I grew up in the era of shoujo era of like… all those manga where the characters are super stylized in rose and thorn motifs. It’s something that’s hard to describe but if you know you know! In short, I think because of my interest in things like Pandora Hearts, Rozen Maiden and D.Gray-man, I just sort of leaned that way aesthetically… that and all the mental illness stuff and expression of suffering of course.

As for inspirations… I’m going to assume you mean in art! But if it’s for fashion, I tend to swap between ‘victorian goth’ (ruffles and frills) and ‘punk goth’ (street wear, rough look) daily so I wear stuff from brands like Dollskill, Devil Inspired and The Vampire’s Wife, lolita fashion hunting gives me the biggest coord inspiration! That and ALI PROJECT and Oliver Sykes’ music. Hell yeah.

For art it’s definitely gotta be Jun Mochizuki and Aku_ama! (The latter I even commissioned to draw an OC of mine!) They both have that sort of elegant yet deadly feel to them. It’s like a feeling of looking at something kind of sweet but you can tell something… very peculiar is behind their smile. You know what I mean!!

I think the reason I like this stuff so much is because, well, I did have a rough childhood, and at first gothic stuff was a medium I used as an expression of my pain, but now it’s more… Something like…

There are things that we, as a society avoid talking about, things we tend to see as unsightly or unsavory, so we cover them up, right? It’s why mental health is such a hush hush topic here in the US, it’s something that people don’t really want to admit exists, so expressing myself in this fashion is like… Making the world aware of these things, that even as unsightly as it is, we should acknowledge it, we’re all human and have these issues so we shouldn’t act like they aren’t there. I think if we move towards this, we won’t feel so alone in our pain.

So sorry if I droned LOL
 
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ALSO My meds are ready but I don’t wanna get up now LMAOOO… Kind of hungry, haven’t eaten lunch yet, but also just kind of lethargic now. I wanna nap sooo bad but it’s so so SO hard.

I haven’t been up since 8 AM in a long time, so it feels really weird! Like the day is longer… even though it isn’t… I’m the kind of person that doesn’t believe my day begins till I wake up!

The nurses at the office really liked my outfit too, even though they said it looks like a school uniform LOL. It’s like that I guess… but punk! I don’t really dress up for other people to give compliments, it’s nice they do, but fashion is definitely something I do for me. It feels good. Empowering.

Unfortunately though, my doctor put me on some new meds, I had lowkey fought with him about doing this for months but he finally won, I’m just scared of any new ones fucking me up… plus I’m already kinda tired of being on so many pills. I’m so sorry my first ‘train of thought’ is on so much medication LOL. I promise this is not the usual.

He said it usually goes with stuff I’m already taking, but I’m kinda scared it’ll put me in this zombified state, so we’ll see…

Onnn the bright side, I washed my hat the other day! My friends thought it looked really funny when I set it out in the sun to dry LOL. I mean, I think I can kind of see the humor, it looks oddly solemn??? LOL

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Now to just retrieve my coat from the cleaners… …zzz… I wanna get my nails done for the event too, but I’m always really shy to ask for designs at the salon! It’ll be the first time I’ve ever gotten my nails done in something other than purple in years! White and black… Yeah, that’d be super cute. With little triangles! I hope I can do that before the event.
 
As for what got me into it, hmm… You know, this is actually a very interesting question! Mostly because I never really suddenly decided I was into it, it was an aesthetic interest that just sort of gradually happened! Since I was about 14 I had a habit of drawing somewhat ‘dark’ things on occasion
That's basically the same with me! I grew up around the era of hot topic and hot topic hatred, so my art was influenced a lot by the art style that you would see when you looked up "emo wallpaper" online! Along with that, just looking at emo and mall goth coords really exposed me to the cool dark part of the world (if that makes any sense)
I was also very into CLAMP and Pandora Hearts and I grew up in the era of shoujo era of like… all those manga where the characters are super stylized in rose and thorn motifs. It’s something that’s hard to describe but if you know you know! In short, I think because of my interest in things like Pandora Hearts, Rozen Maiden and D.Gray-man, I just sort of leaned that way aesthetically… that and all the mental illness stuff and expression of suffering of course.
Oh I totally get what you mean! I grew up more with shows like card captor sakura, so I'll admit my exposure was late. But as I grew, I began to watch shows like the ones you mentioned more. Y'know, the roses and thorns kind of reminds me of the black and white manga for some reason? I don't exactly remember why though.
I tend to swap between ‘victorian goth’ (ruffles and frills) and ‘punk goth’ (street wear, rough look) daily so I wear stuff from brands like Dollskill, Devil Inspired and The Vampire’s Wife, lolita fashion hunting gives me the biggest coord inspiration!
Victorian goth is super cool to me! Also reminds me of EGL too, though I know there is a difference. It's like how I want to dress, I'll attach some examples to the end of this message. Though since I'm still very new to gothic fashion, these might not be goth at all, so please forgive me if they aren't
That and ALI PROJECT and Oliver Sykes’ music. Hell yeah.

For art it’s definitely gotta be Jun Mochizuki and Aku_ama! (The latter I even commissioned to draw an OC of mine!) They both have that sort of elegant yet deadly feel to them. It’s like a feeling of looking at something kind of sweet but you can tell something… very peculiar is behind their smile. You know what I mean!!
I've never heard of these artist and musicians before, I will definetly check them out!

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That's basically the same with me! I grew up around the era of hot topic and hot topic hatred
Those people are missing out, ngl Hot Topic has some great stuff now, they supply from a lot of goth brands I shop at so it’s definitely cheaper to buy from them in person, it’s all great qualitt too. The downside is they ALMOST NEVER HAVE MY SIZE… (I’m the smallest size available).

Along with that, just looking at emo and mall goth coords really exposed me to the cool dark part of the world (if that makes any sense)
I totally get what you mean!! I love those rabbit holes of finding cool aesthetics. I love looking at coords for art inspiration.

Y'know, the roses and thorns kind of reminds me of the black and white manga for some reason? I don't exactly remember why though.
I love card captor sakura! And OMG which manga? The rose motif was super popular in early 2000s shoujo, and it’s something I took to IMMEDIATELY. LOL

Also reminds me of EGL too, though I know there is a difference.
The difference is not too vast, actually! I wear a TON of EGL also, and actually mix and match coords from my casual victorian stuff and my lolita stuff. I think now those two types go pretty hand in hand. I don’t wear my lolita stuff as often as I’d like cause it’s a paaaain to wash.

Though since I'm still very new to gothic fashion, these might not be goth at all, so please forgive me if they aren't
These are all actually variants of goth fashion! And the second artist you posted is legit one I follow, I LOVE their stuff. (There’s a few others I follow who draw similar great stuff but I can’t name them off the top of my head augh) I want another suspender skirt like the first image so bad… You have amazing taste.

That last one is actually what they call now ‘Old-school Lolita’! It still falls under the gothic umbrella, but it’s a style inspired by the earlier era (read: early 2000s) of gothic lolita fashion! I love that style tbh and I’m glad it’s still not dying out! Your aesthetic is impeccable my friend!
 
aaa thank you so much!!! The manga I was talking about was the Pokemon Black and White Manga, I don't know which volume though or if it's even there.
I especially want to dress like the second image, Maybe replacing the t-shirt with a BabyMetal tee that I am thinking of getting.

Old-school lolita is really interesting to me! I love seeing how fashion evolves over the years, it's something I think is really cool!
 
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aaa thank you so much!!! The manga I was talking about was the Pokemon Black and White Manga, I don't know which volume though or if it's even there.
OMG! I haven’t read the b/w pokespe in so long… Now I’m nostalgic, I have to again! I’ll keep a look out for that motif!

I especially want to dress like the second image, Maybe replacing the t-shirt with a BabyMetal tee that I am thinking of getting.
OMG LET’S GOOO. I love babymetal!!! I used ti dress super punk-goth in highschool! It made my parents soooo mad, so I had to switch to victorian goth for a long while because they were OK with that style. Now that I moved out though, I’m back to switching between whichever I feel.
Old-school lolita is really interesting to me! I love seeing how fashion evolves over the years, it's something I think is really cool!
SAME SAME! I can’t find the words but old-school lolita is super intriguing… I think because when it first came around it leaned into the ‘looking/dressing like a haunted doll’ look a lot, and now it’s a bit more varied and life-like. I like both styles though— old and modern. They both have their merits! Sorry sorry I’m chatting your ear off!! You’re very fun to talk to Mari!!
 
(btw, if you have any personal punk goth tips I'd love to hear them! It would be nice to try the style out!)
Personal tips! Hmmm… Let’s see… This might be only my opinion, but nailpolish adds a lot more to your look than you think! Also! Bracelets! Punk always looks best if you wear two or three bracelets on one arm. Little pieces like that (accessories, nail polish) can REALLY pull a look together, even a casual one. If you can get fingerless gloves or those kinds of fingerless sleeves, they can make a look super cute too. Also! if you’re wearing pants or a skirt with a chain, tuck in your shirt! It makes the chain more visible which is definitely an outfit’s ‘cool’ factor, LOL. If you don’t have a chain, Hot Topic is pretty good about selling them these days! I also buy my eyeliner from there. I put tape by my eyelids when applying eyeliner so I can get the perfect ‘wing’ and then remove the tape once I’m done. Hope any of this is useful! Rock your stuff, Mari!

Oh my aaaaaaaaahhhhh, hi Blanc!! You did stop in my area last night, so here's me saying hello!
Trains are indeed all about making stops at particular destinations! ふふふ It’s good to see you, Lisia! Thanks for coming to my subway car! It means a lot, genuinely.

I was thinking "who is this?" and then realized "ohhhhh, trains. must be blanc!!"

and it's you!! glad you've made one of these~
LOL, my reputation proceeds me! It took me a bit to think of a clever title, tbh! Uwaaa really?? I’m glad too, I felt I needed to make myself a ‘containment area’ for all my bubbling thoughts, so here it is! It’s kind of cute we all have our own threads where we do this… it’s like visiting each other’s houses! That kind of feeling. It’s very cute. I hope I can talk about some interesting stuff here with everyone! The last thing I want to be is a stranger. Feel free to chat it up here any time!
 
Thinking about her, and since I mentioned her a few times already— I want to write about my best friend! I may as well anyways because you’ll be seeing her pop up in my writing a lot going forward.

For conveniences’ sake and anonymity, I’m going to call her Ingo— which is fitting because, well, she is older than me, and she’s like a sister to me! We have a bunch of matching friendship bracelets and necklaces… all of hers are black and all of mine are white. LOL

So Ingo and I are both artists, and we collaborate on ideas a TON… we met on a Lob corp discord and became extremely fast friends, it’s actually super funny I can pinpoint the moment we both went from talking awkwardly to being perfectly comfortable with each other. We’re the kind of friends that are together SO much that people confuse us with each other! Whenever our friend groups think of us, it’s always in a set.

And of course, we’ve seen each other at our bests and our worsts.

Ingo came into my life when I was still sorting through some very difficult habits I had developed due to trauma, and somehow was (and still is!) the most patient person on the planet regarding them. Maybe it’s because we’ve been together so long now she knows she’s stuck with me LOL. I used to have pretty awful separation anxiety when she wasn’t around for a bit, but I’ve been a lot better because I got more and more assured of the bond we shared! She’s also funny as hell.

God, if she ever joins the site and sees this I’m gonna be soooo embarrassed LOL, another reason I’m keeping her name secret. But she also just likes people to not know who she is— she’s always been that way.

And yes, she’s also goth, but she leans into more of the classical style than I do. Think vampire theatre kid. That’s Ingo’s look. LOL. I lean a lot more into the GOTHIC lolita and looking like a doll.

I’m so sooo sorry this post is literally me gushing about my best friend, it’s probably really annoying to read LOL.

Of course, we didn’t always see eye to eye, we’ve had our fair share of spats… but what matters is we both came out of them reaching an understanding of each other and becoming even closer because of it. It’s gonna sound corny af but without her… I would not have healed as much as I have from what I went through.

Sometimes I don’t want to hang out with people irl because I’d rather be hanging out with Ingo!

I still sometimes worry she finds me a bit clingy… but she said it’s a good clingy, so I guess that’s a good thing.

That being said! I’m finally visiting her next year and we are planning to do so so much and nothing at all LOL. We keep passing back and forth like “Let’s cook this together! Let’s go visit this place!” but also “Let’s just hang around the house.” I’m so scared I’ll 100% cry when I have to leave. Ironically, we are planning to, of course, cosplay the Subway twins together in our respective coats. She lives in an area with lots of subways and train stations… so we’ll take LOTS of photos. We’re both tiny as hell, so it’ll look super funny.

I’m very lucky to have a friend like her in my life, just as I am lucky to be able to make friends so quickly here! I’m a bit surprised myself… I didn’t think I’d acclimate this quickly since I’m usually such a flighty person. Maybe Ingo’s ability to do that also rubbed off on me, she’s always the one that did the talking for both of us. I’m thankful for things, for places and people like this, a little goes a long way. I’m very grateful for moments like this.

If Ingo finds this I really will die of embarrassment LOL… but I would really like everyone to meet her! She’s a bit standoffish at first but she’s really a great person, she is basically my ‘twin’ after all. I’ll be sure to tell her about this forum anyway! She made some Sprigatito stickers that are so so cute, I’ll sneak a pic later from the ones she sent me!

We spent last night killing each other in FFXIV pvp and yelling (teasingly) at each other, so another insight into us interacting. LOL

So! I’ll probably mention her on and off in my little ‘diary’ segments since she’s such an integral part of my life. I always needed someone as patient and level-headed as her. Love your friends guys, love what they do. Find those people who are irreplaceable.

I’ll go poke Ingo now, actually! She’s drawing something for me and I’m not about to let her get away with it!
 
but nailpolish adds a lot more to your look than you think! Also! Bracelets! Punk always looks best if you wear two or three bracelets on one arm. Little pieces like that (accessories, nail polish) can REALLY pull a look together, even a casual one. If you can get fingerless gloves or those kinds of fingerless sleeves, they can make a look super cute too. Also! if you’re wearing pants or a skirt with a chain, tuck in your shirt! It makes the chain more visible which is definitely an outfit’s ‘cool’ factor, LOL. If you don’t have a chain, Hot Topic is pretty good about selling them these days! I also buy my eyeliner from there. I put tape by my eyelids when applying eyeliner so I can get the perfect ‘wing’ and then remove the tape once I’m done. Hope any of this is useful! Rock your stuff, Mari!
aaa thank you so much for all of the advice!!! I'll definitely keep these in mind!
If Ingo finds this I really will die of embarrassment LOL… but I would really like everyone to meet her! She’s a bit standoffish at first but she’s really a great person, she is basically my ‘twin’ after all. I’ll be sure to tell her about this forum anyway! She made some Sprigatito stickers that are so so cute, I’ll sneak a pic later from the ones she sent me!
If my opinion helps she seems really nice, I'd love to meet Ingo sometime! You aren't talking off our ears at all, I like hearing what you and others have to say!
 
Personal tips! Hmmm… Let’s see… This might be only my opinion, but nailpolish adds a lot more to your look than you think! Also! Bracelets! Punk always looks best if you wear two or three bracelets on one arm. Little pieces like that (accessories, nail polish) can REALLY pull a look together, even a casual one. If you can get fingerless gloves or those kinds of fingerless sleeves, they can make a look super cute too. Also! if you’re wearing pants or a skirt with a chain, tuck in your shirt! It makes the chain more visible which is definitely an outfit’s ‘cool’ factor, LOL. If you don’t have a chain, Hot Topic is pretty good about selling them these days! I also buy my eyeliner from there. I put tape by my eyelids when applying eyeliner so I can get the perfect ‘wing’ and then remove the tape once I’m done. Hope any of this is useful! Rock your stuff, Mari!
I'm definitely stealing this as well, thanks for the advice and thanks to Mari for the question she asked you!!

And really, the way you describe your best friend kinda sounds like how I am with my online best friend (who I'm way closer to than my IRL best friend) lol. He basically means more to me than virtually anyone, and I'd like to think that I'm the same for him as well. I love him so so much~


But, dude, I'd totally love to meet Ingo!! Any friend of yours is def gonna be one of mine too, so....yeah! Stickers sound cute too~
 
aaa thank you so much for all of the advice!!! I'll definitely keep these in mind!
I want to do what I can to help! It’s always fun to express ourselves! Please always feel free to poke me! You have a VIP pass, LOL.

If my opinion helps she seems really nice, I'd love to meet Ingo sometime! You aren't talking off our ears at all, I like hearing what you and others have to say!
I’d love for you to meet her too! I bet I can convince her to hop on here somehow…But if both of us are in the same place we may also cause quite a ruckus LMAO. Mari, you’re far too kind to me, and if she were here she’d scold me for not thinking I deserve others’ kindness again. This feeling… of deserving is a work in progress! I’m going to keep doing my best to allow myself to be a person!

Thank you for letting me share pieces of my heart! I’m at peace here because of people like you.
 
This feeling… of deserving is a work in progress! I’m going to keep doing my best to allow myself to be a person!
I understand that feeling of being undeserving as well, it is definitely a process. But anyhow, I’m glad that I can make you feel happy!

Share as much or as little of your heart as you want to, we’ll be here for you!
 
I'm definitely stealing this as well, thanks for the advice and thanks to Mari for the question she asked you!!
we posted our replies at the same time… SYNCHRONIZATION! I’m really flattered… Fashion is usually only something I get to talk about with Ingo so it’s been really refreshing!
And really, the way you describe your best friend kinda sounds like how I am with my online best friend (who I'm way closer to than my IRL best friend) lol. He basically means more to me than virtually anyone, and I'd like to think that I'm the same for him as well. I love him so so much~
That’s really awesome to hear, I think it’s important that we have at least one person in our lives we can lean on like that. Of course, to have a support group is even better but…! You know, there’s always gonna be someone who understands you more than anyone, right? It makes me happy to hear you have that too, Lisia! We can trade stories about our friends!! LOL

But, dude, I'd totally love to meet Ingo!! Any friend of yours is def gonna be one of mine too, so....yeah! Stickers sound cute too~
I’ll rope her in somehow, she does like ‘old-school’ (forum) spaces! And she’d definitely become friends with you for sure! (But who wouldn’t? You radiate positive energy!) I’d love for her to be able to share her art here too, it’s so cute. Speaking of! I found the stickers she drew, so I’ll put them under the cut here!
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They’re so cute LMAO!

But anyhow, I’m glad that I can make you feel happy!

Share as much or as little of your heart as you want to, we’ll be here for you!
I can’t thank you enough, Mari, you, Lisia and Orchid have given me quite the warm welcome into this little place. I only hope to keep meeting nice people here! I want to do my best to help everyone here feel that way too… I’d doodle Morty patting Emmet on the back if I didn’t have to head out in a few minutes to pick up my uniform cosplay! It’s been really really fun!
 
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