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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

Some advice from someone who often has waaaaaaay too many ideas in their head for their own good: take your time! Your work won’t be any good if you’re not all good. And at the very least, it certainly won’t feel good if you’re not all good. That’s really the most important thing, I think: not just being satisfied when pulling back and looking at your work, but being emotionally and mentally satisfied, too. I hope that makes sense…
With the power of taking these words to heart I managed to finish my fic with... somewhat of the ending I wanted! I admit I don't feel there's too much of 'myself' in the fic I wrote other than the writing style itself because it was a story I am not used to telling and at an unfamiliar viewpoint. I think in this case it was a good thing though because if it were a story I knew I wrote with my whole vibe in it I'd be too embarrassed to even post it LOL. Writing is different for me than drawing, I don't really feel too self conscious about posting my art ever, but my writing? If I think too hard about it I'll cringe LOL. Is this normal, do you think? Or is it like a reverse feeling for writers?

I would love to share the plethora of fics I've written and more here, but I am not strong enough to stomach my own writing for that LOL.

Twiddles thumbs, I would like to do something with that roleplay section though...

At any rate, hiya, hello friends! Another informal post time. Gonna beat myself into not listening to my OCD about this thing.

I've been fighting this shy and anxious meek feeling that's been bubbling up with my facade of confidence, but I fear it's catching up to me... Maybe it's my insomnia catching up to me again. Anyways! I want to shed the spotlight on everyone else for a moment! What's going on in your lives? How are you feeling today? Thinking about anything?
I'm thinking about how badly I want cake, scarlet and violet release and... how close my birthday is now, wowieee. It's kind of hard to believe I have so many dear people celebrating the life I often thought about throwing away. I don't think there's a big enough word to describe how I feel. I'm also sorry, my health hasn't been the best again, and I had a really reaaaally bad moment recently where I was on withdrawal from my meds and had a breakdown right after I went out for lunch. It's super weird how that works, like. I genuinely felt fine and then...

Things weren't.

But I'll keep taking life as it comes. Done anything fun lately? Planning anything?
 
Well, with the Halloween one-shot contest behind me, I’m focusing fully on releasing Chapter 5 of Mirror Adventures by the end of this month! Well, sort of fully, because I’m also working on bits of Chapter 6 simultaneously. That might seem like a bad idea based on, you know, what I just wrote here a few days ago, haha, but it’s actually helpful for me because it’s something that I can go to whenever I’m bored of writing Chapter 5 stuff, which will hopefully keep my productivity up! If I’m lucky, I could get Chapter 6 up by the end of year, but I’m trying not to push myself too hard on that or anything else. Just the chance of me completing two chapters in a year is good enough for me! Small steps towards a bigger goal, is how I’ve been doing things in general nowadays. I love writing and sharing my thoughts on things with the world, and I always wish that I can do more with that wonderful overactive imagination of mine. But I have to take care of myself and put my mental health first, too.

With that said, I’d also like to maybe try to start drawing again one day, or perhaps learn how to play an instrument or something! Either piano or guitar would be lovely for the latter. Maybe more towards piano, since — besides it being probably my favorite instrument — it ties in with keyboarding, which would be very useful for me in possibly creating arrangements for some of the video game music that I love! I discover new pieces almost everyday and I’m always wondering how things would sound in chiptune, or with orchestrated instruments or something. Money’s a bit tight right now, though, so I can’t imagine that I’ll be getting said keyboard or any other type of instrument anytime soon, unfortunately. It’s just as well, though! Small steps… (And Famitracker’s free, right?)

With drawing, though, that’s something that I’ve loved to do since I was little, and I’d love to get back into that as a compliment to my fanfic writing (maybe even including said drawings with my stories, and make light novels out of them?). The problem is that, well… I’m not very confident in my abilities, as I’ve often compared myself negatively to others who I perceived as “better” than I was, as they tended to do things with ease that didn’t necessarily come naturally to me. Lack of meaningful support from certain authority figures didn’t help things, either. So now I feel like I have to start from square one, basically, and re-learn the fundamentals so that I’m actually “good”. I mean, it’s frustrating because I can see exactly how I want things to be in my head, but having the skillset to put things down on paper is a whole other matter entirely.

Sorry if I rambled on too much about myself on your blog, haha. But I figured that maybe a fellow artist like yourself might understand where I’m coming from with this. Does it get easier once you find the courage to take that first leap, you think?
 
With the power of taking these words to heart I managed to finish my fic with... somewhat of the ending I wanted! I admit I don't feel there's too much of 'myself' in the fic I wrote other than the writing style itself because it was a story I am not used to telling and at an unfamiliar viewpoint. I think in this case it was a good thing though because if it were a story I knew I wrote with my whole vibe in it I'd be too embarrassed to even post it LOL. Writing is different for me than drawing, I don't really feel too self conscious about posting my art ever, but my writing? If I think too hard about it I'll cringe LOL. Is this normal, do you think? Or is it like a reverse feeling for writers?
I think it's because you might feel more versed in art rather than writing? For me, for example, I'm fine with posting my words out into the world? but until I get much much better at art things I'm only going to be sharing them with... you and oki basically LOL
I would love to share the plethora of fics I've written and more here, but I am not strong enough to stomach my own writing for that LOL.
your writing really is good!! that being said ofc share wherever and whatever you want, and that would include not posting at all? but! I am here to tell you that your writing is stupendous and exemplary~
Twiddles thumbs, I would like to do something with that roleplay section though...
i promise l will try to brainstorm ideas sooooooooon~
At any rate, hiya, hello friends! Another informal post time. Gonna beat myself into not listening to my OCD about this thing.

I've been fighting this shy and anxious meek feeling that's been bubbling up with my facade of confidence, but I fear it's catching up to me... Maybe it's my insomnia catching up to me again. Anyways! I want to shed the spotlight on everyone else for a moment! What's going on in your lives? How are you feeling today? Thinking about anything?
I'm thinking about how badly I want cake, scarlet and violet release and... how close my birthday is now, wowieee. It's kind of hard to believe I have so many dear people celebrating the life I often thought about throwing away. I don't think there's a big enough word to describe how I feel. I'm also sorry, my health hasn't been the best again, and I had a really reaaaally bad moment recently where I was on withdrawal from my meds and had a breakdown right after I went out for lunch. It's super weird how that works, like. I genuinely felt fine and then...

Things weren't.

But I'll keep taking life as it comes. Done anything fun lately? Planning anything?
Well... there IS something very important coming up on Saturday!!! Which I am figuring out what to do for... maybe I'll make chocolate cake :)

Other than that, well, I don't have much going on LOL, and the very little that I have happening I've already told you~~ translation stuff, writing, art, etcetc that's just about it!

and I do hope you feel better soon. i know rest is a bit hard to come by these days, but i will cheer you on to make it happen! because hopefully with that, things will fall into place a little bit little bit more. you're really brave for going out and making things happen despite all the annoying things in your way, and with time you're going to break down those barriers. i'm absolutely sure of that -- call it endless confidence on behalf of another, but i do know it'll happen!

...I need to make a blog post on mine too LOL..
 
1668678574747.png(<Audio entry warning!) I definitely didn't cover everything I wanted to-- especially with Scarlet and Violet on the horizon too?!
This is why Subway Masters stay in Unova...

I also didn't say thank you enough to everyone who gave me a birthday wish! I'm sorry...
I'll reply to everyone above tomorrow, I'm really, really tired! I love you guys. Uwuauawuwa... I WILL!!! THANK EVERYONE PERSONALLY ONE BY ONE!! I PROMISE!!

I know I laughed it off a bit in my recording, but my breakdowns always take a toll on my mental health... Cleaning my room on 0 sleep after 22 hours is pretty spicy on that feeling in my ribs... I'll be okay though, I took a nice shower and have clean sheets... Best sleep ever incoming.

I'll cover more later, okay? Bulbagarden is a home station for me, I could never forget you guys! I'll keep... chugging along somehow!
Also! Managed to get my nails done too! I got an arrow design because you know why! I thought it was the one way I could spoil myself for now..

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Hey, this was not what I was expecting when I clicked on your post in my inbox, haha! In a good way. A part of me kind of understands, though! I think, anyway. Sometimes thoughts are just easier said than typed, if that makes sense…

Anyway, I’ll try to keep this short since I figure you’ll be taking a well-deserved crash soon, haha, but seriously, it actually really is good to hear your voice. Besides just being able to place a voice to your name now, it reminds me that there’s an actual person behind the keyboard who loves and appreciates us! And we’re all happy to be there for you in the best way that we can miles away behind our keyboards, even if I wish I could be right there with you now enjoying some of that cake, haha!

…I hope I’m being coherent here, as I myself have had a bit of a non-relationship with sleep as of late (and also haven’t been entirely… loyal to my own medication either, haha, although I’ll be taking care of that shortly, as it’s veeeeeeery important; surely you know!). But at least it means that I got to catch your message hot off the press, haha. Thanks for taking the time to make it! It was a pleasure to hear from you, quite literally in this case, and I hope that your immediate future plans (as well as your later ones… lucky!) go well. Now go ahead and rest up!

(And you’ve got to tell me where that lovely remix of Sinnoh Route 228 came from when you wake up, haha…)
 
I already talked with you about your audio message and how sweet it was (and how it made me cry a lot a lot but in a good way), but I never told you how much I liked the design you got on your nails!!! I really love it!

That's all I have for now maybe LOL. I hope that your coming days will get even better and better neesan!!! You deserve for that to happen!
 
╔══▲═════════════╗
I can paint you in a bloody red,
but I'll end up sick of it all!

ᴿᵒᵗ ᶤᶰ ᴴᵉˡˡ ᵎᵎ ᴷᴵˢᴬᴷᴵ ᵛᴱᴿˑ
╚════════════▽═══╝


Hiya, passengers, long time no stop at the station!

Sorry for that, one thing kind of led to another and time got away from me, I hope this long-ish post makes up for it so we can get ‘back on track’ (am I corny with these puns yet?) Wrote this post on my phone, so I apologize for any typos I may have missed.

Last I spoke with you my health was in shambles and I was utterly exhausted and needed a break— I am happy to open with my physical health is improving! I get the feeling visiting my parents has helped a bit though… So I’ll start there before I become incoherent.

I believe I mentioned I have an extended-stay at my parents’ for Thanksgiving, Christmas AND new years… They’ve always kept me home a while like this, it’s tradition. I tend to use the time to hang out with my friends from high school if they’re in the area. As time marches on though, this happens less and less every year since we’re all grown up, leading our own lives.

I don’t mind too much though since the internet exists and I’ve always been a bit of a recluse if that wasn’t clear already.
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And yes, as of typing this I’m still at my parents’ house. I’m not really sure when I’ll exactly be returning home as it varies every year— and my dad is so huffy and particular I have to operate on his schedule… so it’s whenever works best for his allotted time. It’s a lot colder up here! But I’m always kind of a fan of the quiet atmosphere. My hometown is small, and a woodland area, so it’s a very ‘back to nature’ feeling for me. Cleaner air, no noise or light pollution… Sometimes it feels like a shame I can’t live here in my sought after line of work, but, I wouldn’t have made so many good friends and improved if I hadn’t left. Both locations have their merits too— like the store being in walking distance at home. It’s nice.

The one trouble with these visits though is… Well, as I’ve alluded to in the past, I had a pretty rocky childhood with my family. You see, the reason I moved away was for attending university, but the hidden reason was also because my mental health was getting worse and worse because of the strain in our relationship. Oversharing too much feels a bit too vent-y for me, so I’ll spare details. It doesn’t help I’m a naturally cagey person LOL. Me moving away in short, improved our relationship, but every once in a while old habits die hard.

Without fail, every visit, we have at least one argument/fight that is usually pertaining to my PTSD, something I have chosen not to disclose with my parents. You see, my parents don’t understand mental health, and given our rocky history, it’s very hard to come forward about it. When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I asked many, many people if I should tell my family. I even asked my aunt whom I live with, and most everyone came back to me with a resounding no. Telling them would be a monstrous can of worms since they don’t even know that they had a hand in traumatizing me in the first place. I genuinely hate saying that because it feels harsh, but it’s really true and even I can’t deny it analyzing my own demeanor and quirks. Their undoubtable questions of ‘how’ and ‘why’ are not ones I’m prepared to answer, but avoiding this is also what creates the arguments we have.

So I’m just choosing the lesser of two evils, really.

With that said, this visit has of course not been without incident, but it’s like any other for me.

But! As I mentioned, our overall relationship has improved, and whenever I tend to visit they spoil me at times… I forget how nice it is to have someone cook my meals for me, get my groceries and to have less chores. I’m gonna hate going back to taking care of myself and buying my own groceries. I even taught my dad some new internet slang and it’s insanely funny to listen to him use it.

Being here though also means I have to partition off some of my free time to exist among my parents though, so that’s probably half the reason it’s been tricky to get time to write on the forums right now.

December also just ended up being a pretty rough month!

It took me some time to find the ability to write this part.

Around 4 days before Christmas, my grandmother, whom I live with alongside my aunt, had very suddenly passed away.

These news were devastating. My grandma was in her 80s, but she was a very able bodied woman and a real fighter. She had a poor heart, but she had quite a few brushes with death and came out healthy every time. Just a few months ago, she had a terrible kidney scare that made my aunt and I prepare for the worst, but this time we had no time to do that. My grandma felt fine, the happiest she’d ever been even, the day before she passed. She was at work and being social, she was so happy to be on her feet again. And then…

The following night my aunt was worried about the pain my grandma mentioned in her back, and ended up calling an ambulance. She died by the time she got to the hospital.

I wasn’t as close to my grandma as I was my aunt, but my grandma was still a very strong pillar of support for me, looking out for me and on occasion standing up to my dad about his bad habits with me. All I could think about was the last conversation I had with her, and that I should’ve been much more appreciative of her being there… But I guess that’s a common feeling.

I think the thought that will bother me the most is knowing my grandmother wasn’t ready to go. During her last health scare she was openly sobbing in fear of her death, because she had not finished ‘living’ yet… And I don’t think this time was any different. She was gone before any of us could say goodbye.

Typing this is hard, but I’ll continue.

Grief does not hit me swiftly, it’s more like a cold crawling slowly across my body and sinking in. I haven’t openly cried yet, but I know it’ll hit me when I return home— when I see her empty bedroom. Just yesterday I was looking for old photos of my cat on my phone, and I found one with her and my cat and felt the urge to cry. It’s an unbelievable feeling, when someone significant in your life is just gone without a conclusive note. The night I was given the news I had the worst panic attack I have ever had in my life. The kind that you mistaken for a medical emergency.

When I tried to sleep, I would stop breathing and wake up gasping for air. My chest felt so, so painful from the hyperventilation that my parents made me sleep on the couch instead of my room in case they needed to call the hospital. It was made worse by my own paranoia setting in.

I don’t fear death, but I fear how uncontrollable it is. How our lives can end at any given moment and we can leave so unfinished. My mind was racing and in typical panic attack fashion I was terrified that I was possibly dying too, that I would just vanish before my friends would know. What was my last conversation with them? If I go to sleep, will I die? Insane paranoia driven fears and thoughts like that… I sat in the kitchen for at least a couple hours, both trying to take my mind off it and convince myself it was just a panic attack and nothing actually serious so I could convince myself to take my pills and sleep.

After a bit of sitting there I finally broke and cried. I cried for my grandma, for that feeling and fear. I just let it out. I think it helped a bit, as not long after that I was able to calm down and go to bed… except now for the following days till even after Christmas it hurt to breathe because of my hyperventilation. Don’t do that guys, it seriously hurts. LOL. You become so self aware of your own breathing it’s terrible. I’m better now, but I definitely still need to watch my stress levels and be careful. So yeah, recovering from that feeling plus letting it all sink in did keep me away from here. My bad.

Despite my aunt no doubt being hit the hardest, she remained very, very strong throughout it all… But I’m sure she had her moments too. It’s hard to think about the little things, like the gifts I’d give her or the times she’d help me cook.

Nonetheless, I know time heals all wounds and all that, and I will recover. It put a damper on Christmas though, that came and went and was a bit of a struggle to enjoy due to my breathing issues because of the panic attack. I did get some fun gifts! A few model Pokeballs and Miku figurines for my collection.

New years was pretty sucky because I had a fight with my dad, as mentioned above, LOL… But my friends made the time better, and I spent it working pretty hard on my contest entry for Bulbamas. I posted it too, if you wanna see! It was pretty hard and I rushed it, but I’m over all pretty happy with the finished piece.

Then just two days ago I got my second COVID booster and that really took it out of me. My immune system is pretty shit, so it was a necessary evil. Each shot did me in and this final one was no different. LOL. Just spent the last two days sleeping off the effects. January is a pretty hectic month for me, so I’m trying not to beat myself up too bad about not getting what I want to get done at the moment— I’ll have time to do so once my schedule clears!

Coming up next is the local anime convention I attend almost every year. It’s my favorite one! They have the best arcade that’s full of rhythm games! And a friend will be there, so it’ll be lots of fun. My social activity quota for the year is already gonna be filled LOL. I ordered some new props to be made for one of my cosplays, so I can only hope it gets here in time. I’ll have some cool photos if it does! After that I have to prepare for… My trip to England! I’ll be spending two weeks there with my best friend— over her birthday! I know I’m going to be exhausted going through security and customs… and jet lag is gonna kill me. LMAO. It’ll all be worth it though. I have some other mutual friends who are going to come hang out with us too!! It’ll be lots of fun… It’s gonna be hard to decide what to pack!

My grandma was really excited for me to go on this trip before she passed, and I insisted to my parents who were hesitant to help fund it that she and my aunt fought really hard for me about this. My parents are losing their minds worrying… But I keep assuring them all will be well as much as I have to.

Around the last week of January if you don’t hear from me much, well… you know why now! (This time I got to write the entry AHEAD of time…) I’m sure I’ll be able to bring you a ton of fun stories from my two-car train (see what I did there?) and our adventures. It would be fun to do an art stream with both of us on mic at the same time, but we can be so rowdy in the same voice call together, I can’t imagine us both in the same room! I’ll probably still trawl the forums while I’m there, but my schedule is going to change and fluctuate immensely. (sorrrry…)

Maybe this kind of thing is what I need to start the year off right.

After all this though I have NO EXCUSES! I need to get to work and push myself harder. My therapist agrees.

At any rate, I know I’m behind on things I planned to do here, such as readings on my birthday wishes long since passed now, and the RP I’m currently building, and my art studies thread. I fear I've bitten off a bit more than I can chew... LOL. Don’t be surprised if I slow up here in the coming months though, I need to start spreading my wings… but I want to fit in as many things and plans as I can while that happens. If I don’t start the engines, I can never get going. Nonetheless, I'll keep doing what I can for Bulbagarden, it's cozy here, but I can't keep up with everything I wanted to do, which is a shame.

Lisia, Oki, Baku, Pip, Dawning and Hydro are a few wonderful people here who are always cheering me on— People I struggle to show how grateful I am for nearly all the time! I hope I can repay the kindness they, and many others have given me in a more proper form. I feel like you guys always know just what to say when I have no idea!! LOL... Thank you for always listening to me babble too, Lisia, it takes a special kind of person to put up with my dumbassery. I'm so happy to see your art progress!

At any rate, thank you for reading this super duper long update! I'll end it on a fun note-- I was breeding a 6IV Axew yesterday and accidentally bred a shiny! I'm sure you can guess what his name is... LMAO. Next up, gonna work super hard on my RP set up for the RP section! I have a lot of art to do for it, so I can't guarantee anything before I reach England... but we'll see what pans out.

Till our next adventure!
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Hi there, Blanc. Thank you for letting us step into your train car once again, haha. We’re always happy to visit.

Now, with some of the things you’ve mentioned here… that helps explain a lot, actually. Not that any of us are entitled to know everything that you’re doing at all times, of course, but we certainly have our ears and hearts open for anything that you’re willing to share with us. And I’m sure that a lot of that is theraputic for you, especially given…

…well, let’s talk about that, but not for too long, I think. Now, it’s been a very long time since I’ve lost a close family member myself, and I was very, very young then. So I’m probably not the greatest authority on what that kind of experience would feel like, since how younger me processed it all is likely very different to how present-day me would process it all. As such, I don’t know quite what to say, to be honest, and I suspect that my usual platitudes aren’t really going to cut it for something like this. However, I won’t let that stop me, as I also suspect that saying nothing would be far worse than saying something, from the bottom of my heart regardless of how utterly inadequate it may feel to me at the moment. So with that, I’ll just say: I’m very, very sorry for your loss, and for all of the pain that you experienced after and that you might be feeling, to at least some extent, right now. I know that there’s a great void in your life where your grandmother once was, but I’ve found that most of us human beings are good at… not filling that void, really (that’s impossible, of course), but rather making it less of a black hole in their lives, if you know what I mean. And yes, I believe that you belong in that category too, Blanc. Or at least I’m hopeful that you will be. I hope that you’re hopeful too, and a part of me is absolutely sure that you are.

Now, on to more cheerful subjects… including that upcoming vacation of yours! God, how I envy you being able to go to England, haha! And with friends, too! How awesome; I’m happy for you! I hope that you and your pals enjoy it. And bring lots of pictures back along with those stories, OK?

Meanwhile, I’ve heard you mention that anime convention on more than one occasion here (or is that more than one that you go to?). I’m far too shy and anxious to go to something like that myself, but of course that has nothing to do with you, haha! I hope that you enjoy that too along with your friend!

As for everything that you seem to be trying to do all at once this month, my advice to you is this: 無理しないでね!If my experiences with my “stuff” have taught me anything, it’s that there’s no shame in knowing your limits and slowing things down for the sake of your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Even if you really wanted to do something and dedicated yourself to doing it at a certain time or in a certain way, life happens, and you’re entirely within your rights to change things whenever you feel that you absolutely have to. Oh, by all means, reach for the stars, make attempts, take chances and all of that. These are the things that make us all look forward to life and everything that it has to offer! And I’m glad that you’re working to “spread your wings”, as you call it, which is always a wonderful thing. But again, know your limits, and never be ashamed of them. We’re only human, after all, the flawed yet beautiful creatures that we are.

Aaaaaaaand I think that’s it for now, since I’m honestly a bit burnt out at this point; my mind went to all sorts of places while I was typing this (through no fault of your own, mind; that’s just how it works with me sometimes, haha). So I think I’ll conclude this by saying… you’re welcome, Blanc, and I’m honored to be someone who’s been a positive presence in your life, even from behind a keyboard hundreds of miles away. I do my best! And I know that I really shouldn’t feel insecure about certain things given the plentiful kindness that I’ve gotten from you and so many other people in turn here at Bulbagarden, but nonetheless, you saying thank you feels, in a weird way, like you cheering me on too. And to that, I too, say thank you, to both you and everyone else.

Here’s to an absolutely wonderful January for you, Blanc!
 
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Hii neesan!! I thought that I should probably say hello here... (hello!)

Congratulations on being okay. I know that this time of year is, basically, a 'different' feeling than how things normally are, and it makes me happy to know that you're doing okay at least. You're really strong..!

And well... I'm really sorry about your grandma, too. Losing someone is really hard... and I hope that you'll be able to heal from that at your own pace. Everyone feels things differently, and coming to terms with that sort of thing is really tough at times.

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better as for health stuff, too... honestly I was worried! But worrying about neesan like that is a 'normal Lisia' thing, so... I'm just happy that you're here and okay!

And!!! I'm super excited for your England trip omg!!! It's going to be so fun, I know it!! And you'll come back with soooo many stories too, I'm sooooo excited to hear about all the fun you'll have!!! With Ingo!!! (hello ingo!!!) And your train-station Submas fun!!!!!!!

And I'm really excited for what you'll do in the future, too. You're starting to fly even higher, and I promise that I'll help you to spread your wings even more. If neesan is already this amazing and talented and powerful now, I can't imagine how strong she'll get in the future!! And I'll be there for all of it!!!

OH YEAH the con too! I hope you had a lot of fun there too, and I think you did!! Just from what you've said about CHUNITHM (i don't know if you saw but i messaged you about the possibility of a CHUNITHM cabinet being in my area!!) I think it's been nice, at least I hope it's been nice!!!

At any rate, thank you for reading this super duper long update!
I love reading these!! Even though we're (usually) able to talk a lot, it's still nice to hear from you in different ways? It makes me smile!!
I'll end it on a fun note-- I was breeding a 6IV Axew yesterday and accidentally bred a shiny! I'm sure you can guess what his name is... LMAO.
what was it?????????? IF IT'S A BW2 REFERENCE I'VE BEEN MEANING TO PLAY IT SOMETIME... i think i stopped at Nimbasa City this last summer because i wanted to play it with you there! sometime i'll continue it with neesan there!!
Next up, gonna work super hard on my RP set up for the RP section! I have a lot of art to do for it, so I can't guarantee anything before I reach England... but we'll see what pans out.
GANBATTE!! I will still cheer VERY loud for it whenever it'll be ready, but I know you've been working sooooo hard and I'm really really proud of you anyways!!! It'll all look great.. I KNOW IT!!!! and don't worry too much about all the stuff you're wanting to do, it'll all be here for you still when you're ready again! i really want to hear about your birthday stuff even though it was a bit ago LOL...

hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wonderful people here who are always cheering me on— People I struggle to show how grateful I am for nearly all the time! I hope I can repay the kindness they, and many others have given me in a more proper form. I feel like you guys always know just what to say when I have no idea!! LOL...
You're good at that I think I think!!! In my Lisia opinion you just being here for me makes aaaaaallllllll the difference, and it's something I want to repay to you!!! It all comes back to make me think of the cycle of happiness LOL... i am very grateful that you're able to make me smile so much!!! thank you!!!!!!!! I hope that I can repay you too!! That's all I want!!!
Thank you for always listening to me babble too, Lisia, it takes a special kind of person to put up with my dumbassery. I'm so happy to see your art progress!
NO U....... being with you is my favorite thing to do!!!!! That might sound like an exaggeration but it isn't!! neesan's dumbassery is a gift to me!!!! AND I'm glad that you allow me to hang out with you!! I'm very VERY VERY privileged to have you as my big sister!!!!!!!!

Thank you for putting up with my insanity... I know that really you're the only person who could. I hope that we'll be able to hang out really soon, my life hasn't been the same without you!

But I'll be cheering you on all throughout it all, okay? Ganbatte and good luck neesan, thank you so SO much for being you!!! ヾ(。>﹏<。)ノ゙✧*。
 
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Minorish long(?) update, it doesn't feel that long since my last one, but a lot has happened. So much that I can only really describe it all in one entire scribble.
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LOL. Now that that's out of the way, you can probably tell I waited to crawl back here until the storm in my mind and life blew over.

Being absolutely real, 2023 has started off on a not good, dare I say it, pretty shitty start. I swear I'm God's divine jester or something. To be entirely honest with you, I didn't want to write this, I actually wanted to fuck off until I felt better to write something less... cynical? Complain-y? Either way, you guys deserved an update of some sort before I just poof into dust across the ocean.

Yesterday, I booked my flight and while I wish I could have done so sooner some complications were thrown in my path that delayed things. BUT! OVERALL! I WILL BEGIN WITH THE GOOD NEWS! Yes. It is happening. It will be real. Flight to England is tomorrow. For real.

Thing is, remember how I said I have a rocky relationship with my parents that comes up at least once every time I come visit? Well. Yeah. Things got pretty bad. I'm probably making light of it right now, as I am wont to do when I go through the bad patches in my life, and the reason for my abrupt-absence-before-big-update was because of such things. Arguing on and off with my dad activates my PTSD and just puts me in a foul mood, and I didn't really want to subject anyone to even a crumb of that, especially when I was in breakdown territory. ( I really, REALLY don't know how to emphasize how bad things got, but they are getting better slowly.)

That said, I did miss Bulba a lot... Too much! But honestly it was for the best I took the time to sort this out both physically and mentally before subjecting anyone to my ever changing bipolar mess. Planning this has given us both hurdles in our own little forms, and we both ended up dealing with a lot more than we signed up for.

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Well, not just in bad ways, we had some funny hurdles too.

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Such as my discovery about England having different electrical sockets and having to buy converters quickly!

I actually wanted to get some more art done for this entry than I did, but between packing, figuring things out, I just didn’t have the time. But I DID find time to nab that route 228 remix you liked so much Baku! @InfiniteBakuphoon.

But, yeah. It’s been hard. Dealing with bouts of anger that bring me back to my childhood trauma sure doesn’t feel good, and I couldn’t bring myself in good conscience to update everyone until I was in a steadier mental state.

Even tonight I wanted to cry, LOL. Sorry if the formatting on this post is weird or bad, I’ve written most of this from my phone. It’s 6 am, I should be asleep, but I’m packing up my laptop and getting a grip on this shitty fuckin’ year. But I have a lot of plans, you know? Once I get back from this trip I gotta kick the train engine into high gear, even if I end up burning around the edges. It sounds reckless and a little thoughtless, but I have been thinking about this for a long time, and I know I can’t live my life scared… Or so I tell myself. I’m just all talk right now, we won’t know the truth till I take action, right? LOL

Anyway, there’s a lot more I’m dying to say, and a lot more I need to read! I’m sure I’m missing MANY posts right now I just have to catch up on from my dear friends here!! If I’m lucky and not entirely exhausted, I’ll be sure to catch up before I sleep on the plane! (I see you there, Oki and Lisia)

And thank you to my other half, for putting up with all my stress, panic and trauma dumping throughout this whole ordeal. I wanted to doodle Emmet wearing my ‘travel clothes’ but well… LMAO… out of time… You will see it when I return!! Security is gonna be ASS.

Life works in mysterious ways.

And yes, I did see the subway master cameo from Aim to Be A Master, LMAO.

(apologies for no replies to the above yet!!)
bonus

@Orchid - I HAVE NOT GOTTEN TO PROPERLY RESPOND ON YOUR ART THREAD YET BUT OMG!!! THE GIFTS YOU DREW ME ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL SURPRISE!! KUDARI MY BOKU TENSHIII T_T AAAA OKI I MISS YOU!! Emmet looks so so so cute in your style and the comic made me laugh so hard. I cannot WAIT to return the favor with an equally late birthday gift to you!! I’m really really sad I didn’t get to celebrate yours with you… so let’s make up for it and have a fun day later, okay??

@lisianthus - Lisia!! 会いたい!!My beloved little sister, I miss you so much!! I’m sorry, as I said above, I wanted to update you much sooner than this… But I was in some dark dark places, and I really didn’t want you or Bulba seeing that. But!! I hope you’ve been chugging along in my absence, doing your best and being strong. I am a very terrible elder sister figure.. I wish I was less of a mess so I could be there for you and keep you from all worries! I have some bad habits of isolating myself when I’m hurting… I hope you can forgive me. We will go back to having fun days once my jetlag wears off! Hang in there, okay? いつも強い魔法少女!I know these are just words, but I hope they reach you through this silly little screen! (And the Haxorus is named Nobori! Hehe)

With that, I should get some sleep… got a plane to catch tomorrow, and Ingo has a lot of journey plans for us, more on that later. I’ll try and update you guys when I’m able to relax in England.

Impromptu entry gooooo

Till next time.
 
Hello~! Although I’m sure that you’re either asleep or getting ready to leave right now, I wanted to get this in before things get too hectic on either of our ends; seven or eight in the morning is like magic hour for me, haha. I’m glad that you’re doing as alright as you can be at this point, and that things are looking good for you right now even as they’ve simultaneously been not so good (oof), mainly because of your trip! And of course, because although things seemed to be really crappy for you for a while, clearer skies await, quite literally in your case! I’m happy that you popped up; I was wondering how you were doing as I’ve been pondering on how my own month went (which was well, all things considered and as much as it can be given my “stuff”).

A few things…

Such as my discovery about England having different electrical sockets and having to buy converters quickly!
Ah yes, that’s important! Don’t want to blow up anything, haha… European power standards are so crazy compared to ours!

I actually wanted to get some more art done for this entry than I did, but between packing, figuring things out, I just didn’t have the time. But I DID find time to nab that route 228 remix you liked so much Baku! @InfiniteBakuphoon.
I smiled so wide when I saw this… I should’ve figured that it was her, in retrospect. She’s awesome, isn’t she? :giggle:

@lisianthus - Lisia!! 会いたい!!My beloved little sister, I miss you so much!! I’m sorry, as I said above, I wanted to update you much sooner than this… But I was in some dark dark places, and I really didn’t want you or Bulba seeing that. But!! I hope you’ve been chugging along in my absence, doing your best and being strong. I am a very terrible elder sister figure.. I wish I was less of a mess so I could be there for you and keep you from all worries! I have some bad habits of isolating myself when I’m hurting… I hope you can forgive me.
Aww, you’re a wonderful big sister to Lisia! She adores you. Remember that you’re only human, which I think is one of the best lessons you can give her as onee-san. I think that… no, I know that she’ll forgive you.

Anyways, do enjoy your trip with your friends! And in the words of one of my favorite video game soundtracks, let your sadness be whisked away by the wind. Or at least I hope it will! I’ll be thinking about you the entire time.
 
Blanc!!! I MISS YOU TOO!!! I hope you have the best possible time in England. Hopefully your whole airport/flight experience is easy too? Hopefully?? lol. But have fun! Bring us back tacky postcards!! I would like to hear all about it when you get back.

Don't worry about feeling down or taking time for yourself to sort things out mentally, either. I know firsthand how deathly it can feel — being stuck in an ugly, traumatic situation that just dredges up old bad feelings — and there's never, ever any shame in waiting until you just feel a bit more like yourself again. The world is very patient! No pressure to be constant all the time. Take it easy, relax when you can, and things will improve very soon... still got a whole year ahead of ya! :bulbaHugs:

And yes, I did see the subway master cameo from Aim to Be A Master, LMAO.
YESSSS
 
NEESAN!!!!!! oh my god aaaaah i'm so happy to hear from you.... I cried when I read this LOL, I'll admit that... important things like that (anything at all from you) tend to make me cry ahahahaha.....

First off! I'm glad that you're setting off soon! If I'm being honest, I thought you were in England already, like... a week ago LMAO. But well, yay!!!!!!!! (it's going to be so much fun!!!) I know you'll bring back a lot of fun pictures and stories and everything, and I'm excited to hear about them. You'll make it a truly amazing start to the year, and I know that. And I'll be sure to support you through all you're going to accomplish after, too! You're never, ever, ever ever ever alone.

I have a lot more to say to you (for example, replying to what you said above), but... I honestly feel like I'll be able to get it out best in a longer personal message to you that I'll send tonight (stay tuned for that please) (edit: it has been sent) But right here, at least, please please please just know that I'll always always forgive you no matter what, and I miss you very, very much :)

I'm really glad that your train pulled into the station again...
 
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Hello there!

I don’t know if you’re still fighting the flu or not, but I hope you’re doing well regardless. I’m afraid I still don’t have any magic of my own to heal you with, haha, but I do have Nadine. She’s a bit cold, but warm inside, as she’s been through some stuff. She hates seeing people in pain, so you can pretend that she’s sending healing magic your way!

Please don’t rush on our behalf, but still, we all hope to see your train coming into the station again soon!
 
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