A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

[Blanc]

Is it okay if I ask for a picture of the emmet coat? I'm interested in seeing it!

Of course!! I’ll showcase it when I’m home, my friends are dragging me by the arms now to go hang out at the Pokemon card shop so I’ll toss it in here later. Honestly… I’d wear my whole uniform cosplay there to play a joke on them too if it weren’t so hot outside. I’m not built for this weather… LOL

 

[Blanc]

Sorry! I was out for quite a bit! But I managed to get most of the outfit together (wig still needs to be restyled), but I hope this is what you were looking for! I’m genuinely sorry the lighting isn’t great, I just got home and it’s pretty late… LOL. It’s no worries though, I’ll take a proper photoshoot with the whole cosplay at some point. I’m a bit shy sharing, but I hope it’s what you anticipated!

My, coughs, uniform.

Spoiler

 

[Blanc]

╔══▲═════════════╗
Yes, it's not that I don't care what happens to me, it's just that reality is flickering,
And summer is far away.
ᴴᶤᵗᶜʰᶜᵒᶜᵏ ᵇʸ ᵞᵒʳᵘˢʰᶤᵏᵃ
╚════════════▽═══╝

Well, today began on a high(ish) note, and ended on a low note.

It’s not something easy to explain… as it’s something that feels very deeply ingrained in me, like an issue that lays close to my core. Mm… This is not an easy subject to tackle. I know I mentioned it gently in the beginning of this train car, but I really am a broken person, I mean this genuinely. My childhood and teen years were so rotten, and only the past 2 years I’ve been very carefully picking up the pieces that were left behind in the wake of a storm, if that makes sense.

Ingo who I mentioned before, has helped me with unlearning a lot of habits formed by trauma, but there are things even she can’t really help me out of. I have to face my own battles, but it’s kind of hard without knowing my opponent’s weaknesses.

Today was, on paper a genuinely good day, but… without getting too into it, I have what’s called Avoidant Personality Disorder. In short, normal everyday events that I should react to normally, I react abnormally. It’s like being an introvert, but to a very extreme degree, wanting to hide away despite good things happening/being with people I care about. Without getting into the harsh details, I developed this disorder due to being emotionally neglected in my earlier years. Certain events transpired today that I couldn’t deal with, and I struggled not to break down on my drive home.

It just always feels like I live in this sort of shell… surrounded by thorns. I want to go beyond them but it hurts too much to try. I know this probably makes very little sense out of context, and I’m sorry.

I suffer from a slew of mental illnesses due to what has happened to me, and while I conquered the initial hurdles they brought me, it feels like the residue they left behind is hindering my life. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have gotten so angry, so frustrated with myself because my own weakness has made me miss opportunities and memories I could have made if I weren’t so… broken.

It’s the only word I can think of to describe this.

I really hope my therapist will contact me soon, I’m starting to lose a bit of heart.

It is too dark to elaborate, but I grew up a very isolated person, to the point where being behind a computer screen is the way I feel safest. Interacting in reality is not only a recipe for social anxiety, but I just can’t process it, I genuinely can’t find the ability to allow any outside force to rock my ‘shell’.

To be honest, living with residual trauma is worse than actively experiencing it. I have a lot of quirks/habits that have manifested due to my upbringing, even though I don’t live in that environment anymore. They aren’t habits that hinder me too much… but they are sad to think about. It’s sad to know I keep subconsciously doing these things because it was how I remembered to stay ‘safe’.

I really want to live, I just want to be human.

Sorry about this one, it’s a bad stop.

 

[CuboneKing]

Hey friend. As someone who’s also struggled with mental illness and trauma for their entire life, I just wanna say I empathize with you, and I’m proud of you for seeking help and for opening up to us online. Those things both take courage, especially when your brain is just working against you. I encourage you to continue the therapist search if you never hear back from this one. I’m glad you’re here on Bulbagarden, and your train is gonna take you to far better destinations someday.

 

[Blanc]

Hey friend. As someone who’s also struggled with mental illness and trauma for their entire life, I just wanna say I empathize with you, and I’m proud of you for seeking help and for opening up to us online. Those things both take courage, especially when your brain is just working against you.

I’m so sorry, I had to take a bit to calm down before I found the strength to reply. I’m stable now, I promise.

I’m glad I’m not alone, but I’m still so sorry that you shared a similar painful experience, Cubone. It’s difficult to essentially learn to be a person again, rather that it’s OK to be a person, that I’m allowed good things just as much as anyone else. I really appreciate you think so, to be honest, I was a bit worried I’d be ‘over sharing’ or being too open— this little ‘train car’ of mine is something I’ve never really done before, this is all stuff I usually just tell Ingo… but she would be proud, I think, she wants me to be able to rely on others.

But I still worry I’m coming across a little heavy, but I promise I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that, just to be understood and heard and well… to maybe give people a transparent look on who I am as a person? Either way, I’m really touched you think it’s brave, it helps defeat my paranoia little by little…

I just think it’s important that I keep trying, even when I have days like this, at least I know I’m doing my very best to improve overall.

We can do our best together!

I encourage you to continue the therapist search if you never hear back from this one.

Yeah… I agree, I’m going to ask my aunt whom I live with if my case was ever received since she filed it for me with the therapist. I’d hate to go looking again so I’m hoping. I really need to go back. The wait is unbearable.

I’m glad you’re here on Bulbagarden, and your train is gonna take you to far better destinations someday.

Okay, I’m going to tell you something embarrassing, but reading this really struck me for some reason, and I started to cry and had to take a break from my pc. (Not a bad cry, the kind that just means something hit close to home, y’know?) Thank you, with all my heart, I’m thankful you’re here too.

Sometimes things just crack me open, I don’t know why. I’m definitely going to keep this one in my mind and heart.

I’ll do my best so we both can reach those much brighter destinations!

 

[lisianthus]

bonk

good morning blanc!!

i do hope you're feeling better, and even if not, that's OK too!!

cubone is 10,000% right, and to be honest, i think he's basically ended up helping us all out at a time or another. he has for me~!!

but....uhmm, happy april 28!

 

[Orchid]

Just stopping by the station to say I hope you're feeling better today Blanc. You're definitely not alone — while I don't bring it up very often, if at all, I've been through similar experiences and I'm very much the same way.
Cubone is indeed very right; and I think it's also important to remember that bad days aren't setbacks on the road to recovery! The fact that you're still here moving forward is a sign of strength.

P.S. your uniform is absolutely fantastic! (and I love the Joltik accompanying you too)

 

[Blanc]

╔══▲═════════════╗
If only all my reasons to say good-bye went away.
ˢᵉˡᶠ⁻ᶤᶰᶠˡᶤᶜᵗᵉᵈ ᴬᶜʰʳᵒᵐᵃᵗᶤᶜ ᵇʸ ᶰᵉᵏᵒᵇᵒˡᵒ
╚════════════▽═══╝

I slept a long time today, I think when I emotionally exhaust myself on top of regular exhaustion, it tends to make my medication work stronger, that, or I really am just that feeble. I’m in a ‘healing’ period.

Unfortunately, today hasn’t proven any better for a very difficult reason.

My therapist finally called to schedule the appointment for my first visit… But unfortunately, she doesn’t take my insurance. It’s too much money to justify without, and she agreed.

I got off the phone and cried LOL.

I know I just have to look for another, but I was really banking on this, and because this therapist was recommended to me, I would have really preferred her. Looking for a therapist is also difficult for me because… Well, my first therapist was kind of ‘mandatory’ for me, due to events that happened when I was still a minor, by law I had to have one. Thankfully though, I ended up loving that therapist, so much so I asked if she would be my therapist again, but due to particular laws she couldn’t.

So actively ‘looking’ for one is a bit new to me, I’ve been browsing but it’s hard to decide based on descriptions alone.

On top of that, looking is exhausting because it forces me to face my issues, to actually look at what is wrong with me in order to help decide what is best… and I really really don’t like doing that. It fucks with my psyche.

Man… this is getting harder, lol…

I haven’t told Ingo yet, I don’t feel stable enough and I don’t want to worry her more than I already have. Sorry today is another serious topic, I am bipolar, so when I feel things, I tend to feel them rather intensely. I like to think it’s because of how many emotions I kept inside in my life they all just want to burst out now or something.

Oh, well… I’ll have to tell my aunt this was a bust too. I need help so bad. So so bad. I’ll try to write about something fun soon.

good morning blanc!!

i do hope you're feeling better, and even if not, that's OK too!!

cubone is 10,000% right, and to be honest, i think he's basically ended up helping us all out at a time or another. he has for me~!!

but....uhmm, happy april 28!

is bonked

Hi, Lisia, good evening now, LOL… I kind of slept all day due to emotional and physical exhaustion. Cubone seems very very kind, I’m thankful he said what he did last night, I think it helped me sleep peacefully. I’m sorry you have to read something so gloomy again, I’m trying hard to keep my spirits up like you do. Happy 28th! Is your day going good?

Just stopping by the station to say I hope you're feeling better today Blanc. You're definitely not alone — while I don't bring it up very often, if at all, I've been through similar experiences and I'm very much the same way.
Cubone is indeed very right; and I think it's also important to remember that bad days aren't setbacks on the road to recovery! The fact that you're still here moving forward is a sign of strength.

P.S. your uniform is absolutely fantastic! (and I love the Joltik accompanying you too)

Welcome aboard, Orchid! Sadly today is a bit rough now too for reasons I wrote above, but I’m trying to heal a bit before I drop the bomb on my aunt that it’s not going to work out. I’m… not really sure what I can do from here, I mean, I guess I have to go back to hunting the hard way but… Well, this one was really promising, and I feel like… The walls are closing in a little bit.

On the bright side, I was worried my aunt would be really angry I stayed out so late with my friends last night, but she wasn’t at all— just another residual worry from my youth I guess!

I think it's also important to remember that bad days aren't setbacks on the road to recovery! The fact that you're still here moving forward is a sign of strength.

It’s really ironic you say this, my old therapist actually said the exact same thing to me when I was worried I was undermining my own progress. It means a lot… I just can’t help but feel guilty presenting this kind of stuff to everyone, it’s feelings I usually keep to myself for the sake of others. I hope you’ve been in a better place, at least!

P.S. your uniform is absolutely fantastic! (and I love the Joltik accompanying you too)

Uwaaa Orchid! Thank you so much!! It was fun to put on again even though I was exhausted! Especially now that it’s all sparkly and clean. I actually got my uniform back in… 2013! 9 whole years ago and it still fits perfectly… goodness… I won’t ‘stop working the Battle Subway’ any time soon, I think! Joltiks are very important to the workplace!! (LOL) I usually have it pinned to my shoulder, but I hadn’t placed him there again yet. Ingo has a litwick too! I also have a tiny eelektross I usually pin on my belt. The coat is actually a bit heavy, so it’s good for cold weather!

 

[CuboneKing]

Ugh, insurance is a pain (could go on and on about how evil that industry is but I won’t lol), I’m sorry about the therapist ordeal. I’m really glad to hear I was able to connect with and help you at least a little bit. Browsing for a therapist just through online descriptions is very intimidating and overwhelming, but I have no doubt you’ll figure it out. Don’t even worry about oversharing or not having enough positive stuff to write (my blog is usually not the sunniest place either lmao), you are accepted here no matter where you’re at. It’s good you’re getting rest, and I hope tomorrow is better.

 

[lisianthus]

is bonked

hope that didn't hurt!!

Hi, Lisia, good evening now, LOL… I kind of slept all day due to emotional and physical exhaustion.

hi blanc! missed you~~! you also were on here until like 3 AM lol!! make sure to get good sleep, but considering how you slept in i think you're OK~.

Cubone seems very very kind, I’m thankful he said what he did last night, I think it helped me sleep peacefully.

some people have that effect, glad you found it~ :)

I’m sorry you have to read something so gloomy again, I’m trying hard to keep my spirits up like you do.

keeping up your spirits is always a great thing to do, but please don't ever hesitate on letting your feelings out! it's really healthy to do and stuff. either way, i am super glad to see you and was wondering where you were!!

Happy 28th! Is your day going good?

yeah!! uhmm, haven't done much...i've really been sitting around the house listening to music and waiting for my switch's replacement sd reader to come. i really hope it fixes it...
actually, i did take a test in precalculus, which i think i did fine at (math isn't my thing...), and i did a quiz in japanese which i'm confident i aced.

Welcome aboard, Orchid! Sadly today is a bit rough now too for reasons I wrote above, but I’m trying to heal a bit before I drop the bomb on my aunt that it’s not going to work out. I’m… not really sure what I can do from here, I mean, I guess I have to go back to hunting the hard way but… Well, this one was really promising, and I feel like… The walls are closing in a little bit.

just try to look for a lil more! it is hard but like...it really will help, right!? walls don't move, right!? (but please do know your boundaries! you'll do awesome~)



either way blanc, i really appreciate you here! the fact that you're this open about the struggles you're facing and stuff shows how strong of a person you are!! we all face rough life stuff (until recently i was!!) so just...keep on fighting and i think you'll get better. maybe it's part blind optimism but i really do think that that's how the mind works~

so, what'll you do today!?!?!?!

 

[Blanc]

Ugh, insurance is a pain (could go on and on about how evil that industry is but I won’t lol), I’m sorry about the therapist ordeal.

Cheers, I’ll drink to that, lol. American health insurance is so fucked. According to Ingo though, the UK’s isn’t much better even though it’s free, they have to deal with incredible wait times and even instances their insurances won’t cover. I just told her too and she’s also pretty bummed about it because she knows how difficult this was for me to finally get. She’s a lot stronger than I am, so I always feel bad to tell her this kind of stuff, but she’s always the first to know. It’s okay, I mean… I’ll try to make it okay. I’m trying to be okay. I’m running into the exact issues I feared, though. At least I anticipated the possibility.

Browsing for a therapist just through online descriptions is very intimidating and overwhelming, but I have no doubt you’ll figure it out.

You have more faith in me than I do, LOL, but thank you, Cubone. I’m going to have to call my insurance company and ask for a list and then narrow it down from there… Ingo told me I should rest first and gather myself, and I think she’s right. I’m going to put everything aside for a bit. She’s going to call me in a bit to help calm me down. It feels like I’m back at square one, just when I thought I was going to move forward.

Don’t even worry about oversharing or not having enough positive stuff to write (my blog is usually not the sunniest place either lmao), you are accepted here no matter where you’re at. It’s good you’re getting rest, and I hope tomorrow is better.

I know that life goes up and down, and that we have good days and bad days, so not every single one will be sunny, but I have always felt rather guilty when I tell people about the troubles I have, I usually keep it to myself.

And it hurts worse when people always tell me I smile so much, LOL. I’m a wreck. I hope tomorrow is better too. And thank you for the reassurance… I’ll try to keep telling myself I’m allowed these things. It’s hard.

hope that didn't hurt!!

My hat absorbs the shock of bonking!

hi blanc! missed you~~! you also were on here until like 3 AM lol!! make sure to get good sleep, but considering how you slept in i think you're OK~.

Aww really? I’m surprised! I missed you too, Lisia, you’re a great friend to be around! Ahh, and yeah I was, it happens when I have breakdowns, insomnia and all that… I have bouts where I sleep a lot when my emotions take their toll, and my health is on the frail side— sorry if you see me at weird times because of this sometimes. But yes, thankfully I do feel well rested! If not a little ‘foggy’ from gloom.

some people have that effect, glad you found it~

I think you’re one of them for sure too!

keeping up your spirits is always a great thing to do, but please don't ever hesitate on letting your feelings out! it's really healthy to do and stuff. either way, i am super glad to see you and was wondering where you were!!

I’m going to try and learn to become more OK with doing so without that ‘guilt’ feeling… Everyone’s encouragement really helps bit by bit, I just need to adapt, I know it took Ingo a bit to help me do that with her, she still sometimes has to reassure me. It makes me happy, but I’m still definitely surprised! You’re an angel, Lisia. And don’t worry I’m still… fighting the good fight I think! I’ll hopefully be more recovered by tomorrow.

yeah!! uhmm, haven't done much...i've really been sitting around the house listening to music and waiting for my switch's replacement sd reader to come. i really hope it fixes it...
actually, i did take a test in precalculus, which i think i did fine at (math isn't my thing...), and i did a quiz in japanese which i'm confident i aced.

Hey, that’s more than me, LOL. I slept so long and hard. Oh no! Your switch has an SD issue? I hope it’s not too detrimental. Thankfully I heard Nintendo gives parts pretty cheaply, I hope that’s true. What music were you listening to?

And omg same, math has been, and forever will always be my worst subject. Does your school have a JP class? Or was it an online test? If it’s the former that’s lit af. I had to self teach myself everything, LOL. But my JP native friends helped me learn more through conversation. I’m confident you aced it too!

just try to look for a lil more! it is hard but like...it really will help, right!? walls don't move, right!? (but please do know your boundaries! you'll do awesome~)

Yeah… I’ll just have to look a little longer. It’ll help for sure, and I think that’s why it hit me so hard today that this one wasn’t going to work out. I’m stuck very much in a rock and a hard place right now. It’s not going to be easy, but I don’t have any other options. Fighting internally… lol… Thank you for having faith in me, Lisia.

either way blanc, i really appreciate you here! the fact that you're this open about the struggles you're facing and stuff shows how strong of a person you are!! we all face rough life stuff (until recently i was!!) so just...keep on fighting and i think you'll get better. maybe it's part blind optimism but i really do think that that's how the mind works~

I don’t feel strong… But I’m really honored you think so. I don’t really mean to showcase my struggles for anyone to worry or anything, I think it just helps me get through my own thoughts a bit, I’m just really surprised at the support I’m receiving and I don’t have the words to express what that means to me. I’ll be able to show my gratitude fully one day, I hope. I’m trying!

so, what'll you do today!?!?!?!

I think I’m going to sleep some more tonight so I don’t stay up and risk a panic attack, but until then I’m going to take a break from worrying about anything and probably play PLA. I’d play FFXIV but I tend to isolate myself when things get like this, it’s another bad habit of mine to retreat away from others when I feel some heavy baggage. I might draw if I regain some energy/spirit, but I’m in a ‘shut down’ mode so I’m a little lethargic. I just want to take things easy but I always worry too much aaa… I do want to draw so it’s a pain to feel unable.

 

[Blanc]

I think my aunt realized how down I was, she was trying to suggest things like help books and meditation… I told her I didn’t think those things would help me, meditation isn’t so good when I dissociate. I appreciate her thoughts though.

I think it’s going to be hard for a while.

I didn’t have the will power to call my parents either, and I didn’t call Ingo even though she told me it was alright because I didn’t want to bother her. Dunno how I’m gonna raid tomorrow… Maybe the feeling will pass by then.

I’m thinking about telling my aunt that I need to stay in a ward for a bit to clear my mind. I can’t let my parents find out though.

 

[lisianthus]

whatever you need to do, do it!! act in your best interest and it'll totally be OK~

 

[lisianthus]

My hat absorbs the shock of bonking!

I want one nowwwwww~!

Aww really? I’m surprised! I missed you too, Lisia, you’re a great friend to be around! Ahh, and yeah I was, it happens when I have breakdowns, insomnia and all that… I have bouts where I sleep a lot when my emotions take their toll, and my health is on the frail side— sorry if you see me at weird times because of this sometimes. But yes, thankfully I do feel well rested! If not a little ‘foggy’ from gloom.

Life happens, so just make sure you take care of yourself and get rest, that's what matters!!

I think you’re one of them for sure too!

Awwww thank you~, lots of people are here! Everyone is very nice!

I’m going to try and learn to become more OK with doing so without that ‘guilt’ feeling… Everyone’s encouragement really helps bit by bit, I just need to adapt, I know it took Ingo a bit to help me do that with her, she still sometimes has to reassure me.

And that's OK too! As long as you feel safe and comfortable, that's all that matters. We'll accept you no matter what Blanc so it'll be OK~

It makes me happy, but I’m still definitely surprised! You’re an angel, Lisia. And don’t worry I’m still… fighting the good fight I think! I’ll hopefully be more recovered by tomorrow.

Youre an angel too~, and hopefully!!

Hey, that’s more than me, LOL. I slept so long and hard. Oh no! Your switch has an SD issue? I hope it’s not too detrimental. Thankfully I heard Nintendo gives parts pretty cheaply, I hope that’s true. What music were you listening to?

I was listening to SpecialThanks, I think? A Japanese pop punk band, yeah, and it just never fails to put me into a great mood. One of their songs is usually stuck in my head throughout the day haha~

And omg same, math has been, and forever will always be my worst subject. Does your school have a JP class? Or was it an online test? If it’s the former that’s lit af. I had to self teach myself everything, LOL. But my JP native friends helped me learn more through conversation. I’m confident you aced it too!

Math is not good!! Close to being done with it though yayyy! My school has a JP class! It's pretty fun. I'm moving up an extra grade next year to do AP Japanese and I'm sooooooo exciteddddddd! Taking it with my best IRL friend, who's a native speaker lol. I'm glad that you've learned all that you could, too, it's hard but such a fun language!

Yeah… I’ll just have to look a little longer. It’ll help for sure, and I think that’s why it hit me so hard today that this one wasn’t going to work out. I’m stuck very much in a rock and a hard place right now. It’s not going to be easy, but I don’t have any other options. Fighting internally… lol… Thank you for having faith in me, Lisia.

I'll always have faith in you and my friends. To quote (kinda) one of my favorite songs by my favorite band (find your throne by origami angel):
You're the goddamn queen of the universe
Even when it feels like it can't get worse
All you need to do is find your Throne
And you'll never be alone

you can do it!!

I don’t feel strong… But I’m really honored you think so. I don’t really mean to showcase my struggles for anyone to worry or anything, I think it just helps me get through my own thoughts a bit, I’m just really surprised at the support I’m receiving and I don’t have the words to express what that means to me. I’ll be able to show my gratitude fully one day, I hope. I’m trying!

You're doing enough just as it is!! Being yourself and open about your struggles is honestly so scary but you WILL find love and support through it!

I think I’m going to sleep some more tonight so I don’t stay up and risk a panic attack, but until then I’m going to take a break from worrying about anything and probably play PLA. I’d play FFXIV but I tend to isolate myself when things get like this, it’s another bad habit of mine to retreat away from others when I feel some heavy baggage. I might draw if I regain some energy/spirit, but I’m in a ‘shut down’ mode so I’m a little lethargic. I just want to take things easy but I always worry too much aaa… I do want to draw so it’s a pain to feel unable.

I hope you had fun, whatever you did!!

 

[Blanc]

whatever you need to do, do it!! act in your best interest and it'll totally be OK~

I ended up playing PLA all night and just enjoying the silence, I was too lethargic to move. I feel bad I left Ingo hanging though, she wanted to sit with me but I felt terrible at the idea I’d cry again LOL.

And that's OK too! As long as you feel safe and comfortable, that's all that matters. We'll accept you no matter what Blanc so it'll be OK~

Thank you Lisia, I feel a bit better today… Little by little. I’m glad you’re doing better too! I was hunting for therapists again but I had to stop because it became too much. I had several friends even offer to pay for the one I wanted, but I said no, I couldn’t ask my friends to do that, that’s way too sweet but way too much money.

I was listening to SpecialThanks, I think? A Japanese pop punk band, yeah, and it just never fails to put me into a great mood. One of their songs is usually stuck in my head throughout the day haha~

I’ll check them out! Which song is stuck in your head today?

My school has a JP class! It's pretty fun. I'm moving up an extra grade next year to do AP Japanese and I'm sooooooo exciteddddddd!

Oh, that’s insanely lucky!! My school’s language classes were pretty unvaried, but damn I wish I got formal JP tutoring. I had to teach myself everything I know, I used a lot of resources and mostly practiced via.. doujinshi LOL. Thankfully I made some native speaking friends too which help, it’s always a plus. But yeah, I’ve learned rather unconventionally.

AP Japanese sounds so fun wtf!! I hope you enjoy it!

I'll always have faith in you and my friends. To quote (kinda) one of my favorite songs by my favorite band (find your throne by origami angel):
You're the goddamn queen of the universe
Even when it feels like it can't get worse
All you need to do is find your Throne
And you'll never be alone

you can do it!!

Awww this sounds so uplifting, it reminds me of Dragon Night by Sekai No Owari, that’s a feel-good song of mine. I’ll be sure to check out Origami Angel! I’ll try to hang in there, I’m… surprised how many friends got worried about me.

 

[lisianthus]

I ended up playing PLA all night and just enjoying the silence, I was too lethargic to move. I feel bad I left Ingo hanging though, she wanted to sit with me but I felt terrible at the idea I’d cry again LOL.

Some nights are like that~

Thank you Lisia, I feel a bit better today… Little by little. I’m glad you’re doing better too! I was hunting for therapists again but I had to stop because it became too much. I had several friends even offer to pay for the one I wanted, but I said no, I couldn’t ask my friends to do that, that’s way too sweet but way too much money.

A very kind gesture from them though! Shows how much they care and stuff!! I'm very glad you're feeling at least a lil better~

I’ll check them out! Which song is stuck in your head today?

I wonder if it'll fit you...? I know you like Orchid's stuff, and Orchid and I do have some intersection with music, although I do tend to lean on more of a Japanese pop punk/emo side~
But it's not one of theirs, actually, today!! It's ONE by Crystal Kay (either the first or second Pokémon song I've cried to!! lol)! It's a song from the 11th Pokémon movie, and it's soooooo beautiful~, it's been stuck in my head in the best way for a while!! I think yesterday it was Happy by SpecialThanks!!

Oh, that’s insanely lucky!! My school’s language classes were pretty unvaried, but damn I wish I got formal JP tutoring. I had to teach myself everything I know, I used a lot of resources and mostly practiced via.. doujinshi LOL.

I'm extremely lucky to have that honestly, it's a lot of help!! ...even though most of what I studied this year was self-study lol. Reading is a great way to practice!!

Thankfully I made some native speaking friends too which help, it’s always a plus. But yeah, I’ve learned rather unconventionally.

AP Japanese sounds so fun wtf!! I hope you enjoy it!

And I hope I will too! It'll be one of two of my classes at the high school next year which is kinda crazy...!

Awww this sounds so uplifting, it reminds me of Dragon Night by Sekai No Owari, that’s a feel-good song of mine. I’ll be sure to check out Origami Angel! I’ll try to hang in there, I’m… surprised how many friends got worried about me.

We're worried because we care!! So it's a good thing of course!

And it's the weekend!!

 

[Blanc]

╔══▲═════════════╗

Whether we win, lose, go up, go down, the conductors stay the same.
Now, let's exchange faces.

ᴴᵃᶤʲᶤᶰ ᶜᵒᶰᵈᵘᶜᵗᵒʳ ᴵᶰ↑ˢᵃᶰᵉ↓ ⁽ᵖᵃʳᵒᵈʸ⁾ ᵇʸ ᴷᵃʳᵃˢᵘʸᵃˢᵃᵇᵒᵘ
╚════════════▽═══╝

Doing a bit better today, but I slept a lot again... which is still a sign of my emotional exhaustion. I also haven't eaten today, so I should really get to that. When I have episodes I tend to shut down like some kind of robot...barely moving, barely doing anything, being numb... I think it's some weird protect & heal period my brain goes through. I tried looking for therapists but I think it's still too soon for that, my eyes started to water again. LOL... I shouldn't make Ingo worry any longer, so I'll hang out with her and all will get better. I talked more with my aunt a bit and it helped, but it's still hard to talk about my issues without feeling... a bit.

But I'm sick of talking about mopey stuff, so I'll instead talk about something a bit more fun?

Loaded up my old B/W and B2/W2 and saw all my old mons... and wow I had so many... I really did IV breed like all the time LOL. I was laughing because I had like four... 6IV Chandelures...what on earth was I planning to do with all those?! I do plan to transfer all my mons up eventually, I have the apps and stuff so its no worries, I just gotta set aside time so I only need to buy Pokemon Home once or twice and then leave them there till I need them again. Who knows? Maybe I'll do a giveaway or something for my older event mons I don't really need. It's the least I can do for this place.

Maybe it's time I reveal why I like two particular Pokemon characters so much (or like, the vaguest reason I've deciphered myself? LOL?)

Well! It definitely all started the moment I met them during the era of B/W (I bought the games on release!) But before that, I think I need to give some... background lore of myself so you understand the method to my madness?

I don't talk about it, but Touhou has been a consistent passive interest of mine all my life. I LOVE Touhou, and Flandre Scarlet is like, my daughter. When I was little, my art was either Pokemon or Touhou...that's it LOL. I loved EoSD (I know, I'm basic, but listen, U.N. Owen was Her was my Touhou gateway) If you've looked at the scraps on my art thread, you maaaaay see where I'm going with this. In fact, beyond Touhou, I had always had a love for 'sibling'/twin/mirror whatever you call them characters. Characters that were linked in some way but opposites. I also felt this way about Alice and her twin from Pandora Hearts. A lot of my earlier cosplays were these types of characters because I'd cosplay them with my older sister before issues occurred I won't get into. (I'm not hurt by it anymore, Ingo is like a real sister to me anyways!)

Being the 'younger' sibling has been a lot of my life, mostly because... well, back when I had a blood-related sister, people often thought we were twins, we did look a bit alike. I lived in her shadow, people always remembered her before me. I didn't mind as much as I do now, because...well, with her gone, it's kind of unsettling for people to assume I'm wearing her face, that I'm her.

At any rate, because of this, because we were constantly associated with each other, I felt pretty cemented into my role as the little sister.

Plus, when I was a kid, before all that bad stuff started happening to me, I was very happy, like, I was smiling all the time and really just kind of deranged LOL. I had so much energy I wish I had now. People always knew me as the 'insane' one. I owned it for a bit. I think that's why I took to Alice from PH and Flandre Scarlet so well... they were both the 'lesser' twin, and both well... they are pretty wild characters LOL. Some kind of relation, yeah.

My name comes in too, I always associated myself with the color white, white is a pure color, it's innocence and purity and usually means something untainted, something serene... But it's also a haunting and unsettling hue, a lot of things in media that carry this color can also be 'evil'!

I like to think I am both sides. I'm Blanc!

So I think when I saw Nobori (Ingo) and Kudari (Emmet) these kinds of ideologies I had built up at this young age resonated with me again, that sibling dynamic, and of course that being the 'deranged yet happy little sister' motif that had been applied to me. Smiling also used to be a nervous habit for me, I smiled whenever I was anxious... of course many people also just kind of mistook this for happiness, LOL, I can't blame them. Due to life beating me down though, I'm not that same girl I was, but I still love my train idiots, even after all these years.

It's very cool they're finally getting a spotlight beyond being pretty minor characters now, and it's pretty funny to see people actually pay attention to them cause well...I can't help but think 'I was here before it was cool'! LOOOL... So, there you have it, that's how I became a Subway Master, I guess!

Ingo is older than me too, so I'm still in my younger sibling role nonetheless. Hope it gives some insight into why I'm the white conductor, and my attachment to these little characters.

 

[Blanc]

Anyways, now it's time to make another difficult phone call... to my parents. LOL.... Oh boy.

 

[Blanc]

Nevermind, listening to Post Human Survival Horror (Bring me the Horizon album) to feel motivated. Should totally listen to it! Or Nightclub's album Die Die Lullaby. Feels so good to be goth af.

Tonight, no matter what, I'm gonna draw! MOOOOOderate speed ahead! Let's proceed calmly.

 

[Blanc]

The call went OK! As much as I love my parents, I think moving out was the best decision I made. I miss my figure collection though, even though it was mostly a bunch of Mikus and a plethora of Touhou stuff. I stopped buying figures in the event I move away from my aunt's cause they're a pain to move. I still have Patchy here though.

While I'm at it, here's my dusty old shelf from my room back at my parents' I dedicated ONLY to Pokemon! I always feel so sad whenever I leave home this shelf gets so neglected and dusty...But it's because I'm the only one that takes care of them and I only visit once a year </3.

Spoiler

Most of these are from TCG sets. Ahhh, I wish I collected even more! If only I could go back in time.