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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

あたしがよって来ました!ブランクさんの新しいアバターは超かわいいですよ!
ルチアさん、おかえりなさい~ ありがとう! 私の好きなアーティストが描いたものです。 クダリくんは本当にお茶目な顔をしていますね? wwww
 
I put it off, but I think tomorrow I’ll take it for real.

Back to real stuff a moment, my doctor put me on some new medication because of my mania, and since I’m a little manic right now, it may be best to give it a shot in the morning. He said that it’s usually taken with my regular medication anyway, but I’m still a little scared, LOL. I’m already on one mood regulator… so I hope another won’t make me a zombie or anything.

I just hate having to take so many fucking pills tbh… I don’t know why but I really hate looking at the pill bottles on my bedside table. They do help me, but it’s just something about having to rely on them that makes me so… augh. At any rate, maybe it’ll mellow me out! He told me to stop taking it if it messes with me too much so I guess it’s worth a try.

He’s mostly worried about the risk of weight loss, since I’m already underweight, losing any more could be dangerous.

But, nothing ventured nothing gained!
 
Thinking fondly about when Ingo and I were playing PVP on FFXIV and killing each other... LOL I was playing Machinist (gun) and she was playing Bard (bow) and any time we were on enemy teams we were absolutely focusing each other. I saved my sniper rifle LB for her 24/7. I wonder if she wants to play tomorrow...
 
ルチアさん、おかえりなさい~ ありがとう! 私の好きなアーティストが描いたものです。 クダリくんは本当にお茶目な顔をしていますね? wwww
ただいま~w
新しい言葉GET! 最初に[茶色の目]の意味だっと思いました!wそうですね、何を隠していますか!?!?

good luck with art! and as for the pills, i do hope they make you feel better!

i think you should get ingo to play with you!! you have the most fun with the loved ones in your life after all!

ところでね、あたしはすぐ寝なければ。。。朝に兄弟にクレープを作ってくれてつもりですわ!
...lots of baking tomorrow!! goodnight blanc, have lots of fun and rest!!
 
ただいま~w
新しい言葉GET! 最初に[茶色の目]の意味だっと思いました!wそうですね、何を隠していますか!?!?
ルチアさんに新しい言葉を教えてあげられてよかったです~ 専門用語を少し知っている! 一緒に学びましょう!
good luck with art! and as for the pills, i do hope they make you feel better!

i think you should get ingo to play with you!! you have the most fun with the loved ones in your life after all!
Thank you!! I really should sleep soon myself, but mania and all that keeping me up. I'll take my relaxants soon though. ふふ you're right! I think she misses me because I took a break from everything the past two days, so it'll be nice for just the two of us to hang out again. I haven't gotten to tell her about the forums yet, so maybe...

Crossing my fingers the new medication doesn't mess with me too much!
ところでね、あたしはすぐ寝なければ。。。朝に兄弟にクレープを作ってくれてつもりですわ!
...lots of baking tomorrow!! goodnight blanc, have lots of fun and rest!!
クレープ!? クレープが食べたい!きっとおいしく出来上がると思います!

Have fun with your baking! If only I could try some... Sleep well, Lisia! I'll doooo my very best!
 
1651322528760.png

╔══▲═════════════╗

I fake a smile and fall apart &
no one ever knows I’m a wreck

But it's just a bad day, not a bad life.
ᴮᵃᵈ ᴸᶤᶠᵉ ᵇʸ ˢᶤᵍʳᶤᵈ ᵃᶰᵈ ᴮʳᶤᶰᵍ ᴹᵉ ᵀʰᵉ ᴴᵒʳᶤᶻᵒᶰ
╚════════════▽═══╝

It's going to be May soon, and I'm still a little stuck in place. I'm not a very strong person, but I have a long trail ahead of me, there's going to be things I have to take into my own hands, such as looking for options again and making those difficult adulting phone calls. I don't want to say 'but it's okay, I can handle it'! Because doing it and feeling OK after isn't the same as doing it and not feeling OK, LOL. But if there's one thing in life I'm good at it's putting up fronts. Ah, well... it's life and growing up and all that, have to look after myself.

I don't think I took a high enough dose of my sleep meds, LOL.

The 'healing process' feels a lot slower this time, yet somehow... nicer. Nicer than it usually is. I feel pretty bad I made a lot of people worried still, but I was genuinely surprised how many people I care about reached out to me, not only here but elsewhere. Friends offering to pay for the finances of my appointment... (naturally I couldn't accept, but I can't believe several did), another surprised me with an Eevee plush, Ingo asking so many of our shared friends to check on me.

I feel really, really bad I made them all worry, but I've never felt so loved. I feel so sure in my bonds and relationships, and it's something I couldn't have predicted being the case a good couple years or so ago. I used to doubt what I had a lot, mostly because of some very crippling trust issues I had due to again, traumas of my childhood. Even though I am in the midst of the heaviest struggle I've had, I at least can be sure that I have stable relationships, I have people who care about me. I'm able to tell myself "I am loved" and believe it. To be honest, I was always worried people just loved the 'idea of me' more than 'me' myself, if you know what I mean, but... they wouldn't be trying to lift me up in my most broken state if that were the case.

It's hard, but I really do want to live, I want to stay like this with everyone.

You know, the weird thing is, when I talk about stuff through text like this, it's like, way easier than saying it out loud, I don't know why, but I always can't help but cry if I say it. Maybe it's this weird kind of realization of how real it is, or how no one I know in person ever gets the full extent of what's happened in my life.

Ah, well... I have a lot of DMs to answer, and a lot of people to reassure I'm OK now that I'm able to leave my cave.

I'm just really grateful, that I have the kinds of people I have in my life, after everything I went through. I'm not my trauma, I'm not just a slew of broken pieces and mental illnesses... But I still have to live with them, all these pieces of me that I have haphazardly glued back together. And all I could hope for was people being understanding of that.

And they are.

As Ingo put it, I'm still looking for my 'safe place', and that much is true. But it's OK, it will be OK for now, to wait a little longer to reach that destination. It's going to be a very very long ride, but I'll get up and try again.

My luggage is awful heavy, but I have to carry it even if it's step by step. Next week, I'll try really hard, I'll start looking again.

I want to repay the kindness I've been given.

LOL, this came out a little mushy, didn't it? Just some thoughts, writing them as they come. That's what we're sitting here for, right?

I want to smile for real, no mania, no fronts.
 
Whiiiillle I'm here and to wave off some excess emotional feelings, let me impart some dusty old SBMS JP community trivia from 9 whole years ago! LOL. I guess you could call this JP Pokefandom slang as a whole too, but I'll be honest, in my younger days I only hung out in JP SBMS spaces, and it's been so long I don't know if these terms are still used...or if they were just a Battle Subway enthusiast lingo thing, LOL. So take my knowledge with a grain of salt, I guess!

A word that used to (or maybe still does? Like I said who knows) get passed around JP spaces when referring to the Battle Subway was 'Haijin', written as (廃人), which literally translated to 'cripple'. I know it's kind of an unsavory word, but I guess back then people didn't really consider that. What it stands for really is a slang term for being extremely dependent on something to an almost unhealthy degree. The reason this got well associated with the Subway Masters was because IV breeding is absolutely necessary to take on the Super lines (it's why the IV judge is in Gear Station after all!) In the Battle Subway scene, anyone who was doing some extensive IV breeding for this purpose was branded a 'Haijin', which, actually was treated as a badge of honor rather than something derogatory. LOL. This is because the community began to believe the Masters wanted us to be Haijins, and thus, our devotion was something to be respected!

I became a Haijin too, I guess!

Following this, another slang term that was passed around the community was 'mashi' (ましい). Gonna be honest... I'm not really sure where this one sprouted from, I just remember seeing it said a lot. Mashi or mashimashi back in those days was a term used to quickly describe a Pokemon's IVs as 'OK/decent/below average'. It was used so frequently, that 'mashi' began to almost act as an early version of calling something 'yabai' in the community. LOL.

Another term that made it's rounds was "Subway Quality!" I'm sure this was in relation to IVs also being 'Subway Quality', but to be honest, I saw it much more applied to memes and describing particular behaviors/choices as "Subway Quality!"

"Kudari Boku-tenshi". The difference between how the twins talk in EN vs their JP counterparts is actually quite interesting, and gives a bit more insight into their personality differences you would have missed otherwise. To summarize this one, I'll start from the beginning. As you probably know, there are different pronoun usages for "I" in Japanese, the most common being 'watashi' ( 私 ). Ingo uses 'watakushi' (わたくし), which is an extremely polite and humble "I" pronoun that is almost never used outside of formal speeches and environments (such as a job interview.) And the other exception it is used in is-- you guessed it, used in 'service' related jobs-- such as transportation! We can gather from this alone that Ingo takes his job seriously and is a very, very humble person. On the other hand, Emmet uses 'boku' (僕), which... is rather unfitting for his job and position! 'Boku' is a pretty casual/informal usage of "I", and is often used among younger boys, this alone is perhaps one of the few reasons why the community has Emmet painted in such a childish view. Because of this though, many often saw him as rather adorable and endearing (as they should) like an 'angel' (tenshi) and thus, in the earlier days, you would see Emmet (Kudari) endearingly referred to as "Kudari Boku-tenshi" on occasion.

Ahhh, that's all I remember for now, but I'll add to this if I recall anymore! Hope you enjoy my ancient community slang knowledge, LOL.
 
Ah! Just remembered one more, but this is more a general term than a Battle Subway one, but it was terminology still used for the same purpose.

Kitchen Pokemon, also known as 'chupoke'. Think of it as like... each Pokemon is an 'ingredient' to your competitive team recipe. This was a slang term to refer to any Pokemon within the OU tier, that was your kitchen Pokemon, the ingredient to your recipe for a perfect team.
 
Ingo went to bed and I’m feeling neeeeedy… she told me I should rest too but… I want to do things now!

If I still animated I’d love to make a Battle Subway PV to the song QUEEN FLY… god it’s so fitting… I haven’t animated in so long.
 
Ingo went to bed and I’m feeling neeeeedy… she told me I should rest too but… I want to do things now!

If I still animated I’d love to make a Battle Subway PV to the song QUEEN FLY… god it’s so fitting… I haven’t animated in so long.
BOO! I am here to keep you company if thats alright!

An animated battle subway would be so cool! I've never listened to QUEEN FLY before, I'll definitely give it a listen! How was your day if I may ask?
 
BOO! I am here to keep you company if thats alright!
Of course it is!! Hello, Mari!!
An animated battle subway would be so cool!
I used to 2D animate allll the time as a kid, now I've fallen out of practice. I'd love to again though, so we'll see.
I've never listened to QUEEN FLY before, I'll definitely give it a listen!
Here you go! It's a banger, I love Alice Schach's stuff. It has the perfect vibe I'm looking for.

How was your day if I may ask?
It was OK, I think. I didn't get to do as much as I wanted due to residue emotional exhaustion and all that, but I'm getting by. Ingo told me to rest so I did, so we didn't hang out. I'm a little lonely now though, but it'll pass. Helping a friend out on FFXIV but I'm an introvert so if it's not someone I'm used to I get pretty low social battery...but the things I do for people. I hope yours was OK! I should've eaten a bit more than I did, tbh. LOL What are you up to?
 
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