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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

What are you up to?
Not much to be honest! It’s midnight so I’m trying to be quiet. I’m mostly just trying to find something to do, since usually when I’m bored I just talk to people. Do you have any ideas?

Also, I think I have FFXIV, I’ve just never played it. Maybe I should try to sometime!

I really wish I did more today, but I’ll be seeing my beloved jellyfish tomorrow (today? Idk) so it all balances out. I’m thinking of cosplaying N sometime, or at least getting his necklace. Maybe I’ll make him my next layout too, who knows? I just really like his character
 
Not much to be honest! It’s midnight so I’m trying to be quiet. I’m mostly just trying to find something to do, since usually when I’m bored I just talk to people. Do you have any ideas?
Ohh we must be close to the same timezones! It's 1 AM here rn. It's the weekend! So maybe you can play some games or watch some videos? I usually draw or game at this hour, sometimes RP. You ever go on youtube rabbit hole binges? I do sometimes. LOL.
Also, I think I have FFXIV, I’ve just never played it. Maybe I should try to sometime!
It's definitely not for everyone but I've been playing it for 3 years! I like it a lot but it's definitely a game you play slowly, I like it because it's a place I can simulate hanging out with all my friends. If you do, I'd definitely love to play with you!
I really wish I did more today, but I’ll be seeing my beloved jellyfish tomorrow (today? Idk) so it all balances out.
Oh fun!! Do you go diving to see them? Or are they in like an aquarium place? I remember you were looking to get more into marine biology! I feel the same, today we were lethargic!
. I’m thinking of cosplaying N sometime, or at least getting his necklace. Maybe I’ll make him my next layout too, who knows? I just really like his character
OMG you should!! Cosplaying is fun! I used to be a co-leader of my cosplay club at university before I graduated, and it was sooo fun to plan group stuff and photoshoots. Even alone it's fun to do, it just feels good to be in character. LOL. I'd love to see it if you do! I sent a picture of my coat on the page before this one. I can't wait to see a layout if you do too! More gen V let's gooooooo!!!
 
You ever go on youtube rabbit hole binges? I do sometimes. LOL
Oh definitely! I happen to watch a lot of gaming videos and documentaries, along with vocaloid mvs.
I like it because it's a place I can simulate hanging out with all my friends. If you do, I'd definitely love to play with you!
It sounds really fun! If I can remember my password, I’d love to play with you as well!
Do you go diving to see them? Or are they in like an aquarium place?
Seeing as how I am landlocked, I have to go to an aquarium to see them. My favorites are the upside down jellies. They are kind of like farmers, they are symbiotic with algae which feed off of sunlight, and they eat zooplanktons! They are so cool!!!
 
mania and insomnia really do be the worst bitches of all time to haunt my life
Good morning, and that really sucks. I kind of know what it's like from talking to my biological dad who goes through the same thing.

Is there anything I can do to help make this day better? Sorry if I'm being weird, I'm too tired to know how to express myself in text.
 
Good morning, and that really sucks. I kind of know what it's like from talking to my biological dad who goes through the same thing.
GOOD MORNING MARI!!! It's... probably no big deal don't worry! I'm kind of used to it by now. Maybe my new medication will help it, hopefully. It's also half my own fault because I forgot my sleep meds again. The reasons for my chronic insomnia is probably a story I'll share later for some more fun lore.

Jokes aside it does suck, but I'm so used to it now it's probably nothing too bad. I think. (Though I can understand it's probably really odd to wake up and see me still awake many hours later, LOL... Ingo used to be surprised but she's used to it now too and yells at me to take my meds.)
Is there anything I can do to help make this day better? Sorry if I'm being weird, I'm too tired to know how to express myself in text.

You're not being weird at all! I feel the exact same, sometimes when I'm talking about something I ask my friends to call with me because I feel my tone of voice will translate better than text. Just greeting me and chatting is more than enough! I am getting better by the day-- chronic insomnia aside, that's just what I live with. I think I'm a little manic right now, it's hard to tell. I'll just try laying down in a bit. I'm sorry you have to hear about my cocktail of health issues though... But really, thank you for being you, Mari! It's more than enough. I just feel happy knowing I'm treated like, well...a person! By my friends. It's the most I could ever ask for.
 
unfortunately I AM NOT ALSEEP!!! but thank you for checking up on me, Lisia. I DEFINITELY need to, I'm feeling it now, insomnia is no fucking joke... Ough. Gonna try conking out after I take a hot bath. Ingo is looking after me so don't worry!
Hmmmmm then have fun and take care of yourself! glad you have Ingo. she seems like such an amazing friend :) (and i'm glad i have someone like Ingo too. people like that are honestly angels on earth~)
if you still can't sleep, i suggest...talking to me, i guess? yaaay~, i AM glad you're here despite you probably not feeling well due to insomnia, so...good luckkkk, you're a VERY awesome friend Blanc~
 
Hmmmmm then have fun and take care of yourself! glad you have Ingo. she seems like such an amazing friend :) (and i'm glad i have someone like Ingo too. people like that are honestly angels on earth~)
I’m glad you do too! She and I are practically joined at the hip, LOL. She’s good at that ‘older sister’ thing, but I can’t give her too much credit! She doesn’t have chronic insomnia like me, but sometimes she stays up wayyy too late just to stay with me and I have to force her to bed too. It’s good to have a friend that helps you look after yourself… and each other! LOL.

if you still can't sleep, i suggest...talking to me, i guess? yaaay~, i AM glad you're here despite you probably not feeling well due to insomnia, so...good luckkkk, you're a VERY awesome friend Blanc~
Awww, of course we can chat!! I’m flattered you’re sitting with me, Lisia! How’s your day been?? And ahh, yeaaah… LOL. It’s not a good feeling, and I hate to say it’s not an unfamiliar feeling though. Sometimes this happens, it’s just definitely the first time the forum has seen it… LOL… Thankfully this means I’m due a fantastic rest! Usually! Just wish I didn’t have to get to this point to actually have a good rest.

You’re a very awesome friend too!! You’ve helped brighten my days so much already! I really needed it, and I appreciate it so much. Ingo will be happy to know I’m letting more than just her know these things… even if I’m still not very good at it yet! It’s a start.
 
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Sorryyyyy… No fun journal entries tonight, I’m very tired! As mentioned at the beginning of my blog, I suffer from chronic insomnia that tends to become a mess without my medication… so I’m running on fumes… sorrrry… Consider this Subway Master off duty for the night! I’ll write something real tomorrow! Thanks for riding, as usual!

I’ll be sleeping in the back car, feel free to leave me anything to respond to! Thanks again Lisia and Mari for paying visits to me too! Hope to see everyone more again tomorrow!

I feel so burned out… can’t think… LOL… I’m sorry if I forgot anything! おやすみ! ▽
 
I’m glad you do too! She and I are practically joined at the hip, LOL. She’s good at that ‘older sister’ thing, but I can’t give her too much credit! She doesn’t have chronic insomnia like me, but sometimes she stays up wayyy too late just to stay with me and I have to force her to bed too. It’s good to have a friend that helps you look after yourself… and each other! LOL.


Awww, of course we can chat!! I’m flattered you’re sitting with me, Lisia! How’s your day been?? And ahh, yeaaah… LOL. It’s not a good feeling, and I hate to say it’s not an unfamiliar feeling though. Sometimes this happens, it’s just definitely the first time the forum has seen it… LOL… Thankfully this means I’m due a fantastic rest! Usually! Just wish I didn’t have to get to this point to actually have a good rest.

You’re a very awesome friend too!! You’ve helped brighten my days so much already! I really needed it, and I appreciate it so much. Ingo will be happy to know I’m letting more than just her know these things… even if I’m still not very good at it yet! It’s a start.
遅く返事をしてごめんね~!

My day has been good! I died at church (if I'm ever visiting my family while in america, like when i'm in college, and they make me go to church, def gonna wear gothloli dresses to church~) which is never fun! I listened to music, played games, made yakisoba!! lots of fun for sure!

Happy 1 Week Bulbaversery! One week is only a lil time but even so, you have absolutely made an impact on the people here!

I hope Ingo can say hi sometime!! at the very least, i do hope she's doing well~

if i could say something, that would be nice!! some people i meet kinda give me a feeling of like "I'm going to end up being REALLY REALLY good friends with them!!" and then it happens lol. the last person (before you) to give me that feeling was Mari! But I'm glad to say that you're absolutely that to me Blanc! thanks for being hereお姉さん! ハートマーク
 
遅く返事をしてごめんね~!
まったく問題ない!
My day has been good! I died at church (if I'm ever visiting my family while in america, like when i'm in college, and they make me go to church, def gonna wear gothloli dresses to church~)
LET’S GOOOOO!! I have a gothic lolita coord that’s perfect for that ‘religious’ atmosphere! I’ll try to find a pic of it. You definitely should! Dressing up does numbers for my self esteem.


I listened to music, played games, made yakisoba!! lots of fun for sure!
Also, speaking of music, I listened to Origami Angel (Find Your Throne specifically) and wowowow… the guitar riffs… and the overall vibe is so mall goth I was LIVING. Thank you for telling me about them! I love this so so much! I wish I could describe the sensation of mall goth, but that’s definitely what it was, I loved it. What games did you play?

Happy 1 Week Bulbaversery! One week is only a lil time but even so, you have absolutely made an impact on the people here!
I cannot believe it’s only been a week, LMAO. NO PERCEPTION OF TIME. I genuinely didn’t expect to talk/post this much… Perhaps I have people like you, Orchid and Mari to thank for getting me out of my usual comfort zone. Thank you for welcoming me so warmly! I’m really honored that you’d say that… I hope I can continue to make a positive presence! I can say for certain you have!

I hope Ingo can say hi sometime!! at the very least, i do hope she's doing well~
She told me she used to love forums, so I’m hoping she’ll come here eventually! She just keeps busy so she hasn’t had time to peek here yet. But I hope she takes interest! She’s a bit quieter than I am in some degrees but louder in others (kind of like canon Ingo, I guess, LMAO) so I’m sure if she does decide to come she’ll open up once you get her talking! Maybe it’ll be easier with me here.

She’s doing great, just a bit tired today, she told me she went out with her fiance for a bit and then had to go home, fix dinner and do her patreon stuff, so she’s ready to wind down. LOL. She knew I was asleep so she let me rest. I’ll tell her you said hi!

if i could say something, that would be nice!! some people i meet kinda give me a feeling of like "I'm going to end up being REALLY REALLY good friends with them!!" and then it happens lol. the last person (before you) to give me that feeling was Mari! But I'm glad to say that you're absolutely that to me Blanc! thanks for being here
Sorry, it took me a second to reply to this because I was doing my best to find the right words that would show how I feel.. Because I’ve never really had anyone treat me so kindly, and so openly be this kind to me so soon… I’m really surprised! And I’m really really honored… We both have a lot of similar interests too, so there’s so much to talk about! I hope we can be even better friends! I know I’m still a timid and clumsy thing, but I want to do my very best to return the kindness I’ve received… Thank you for making me feel at home, Lisia! I want to stay here! I have you to thank for that.

お姉さん! ハートマーク
がんばります!そう思っていただけて、本当にうれしいです。。。感情的になっている!!!www

Boo! I have come here to say that I hope you have a good day!
Hi, Mari!!! Well, I guess it was, LOL! I slept nearly all of it though… but it was a much needed sleep, so I guess it was good! Deciding whether to draw or play PLA or bother Ingo now… I just ate dinner. I hope your day was also good, Mari!
 
I knowwww I promised a fun topic, but I figured I’d talk about it while it’s relevant. This isn’t really a gloomy topic either, so no worries, just more ramblings and insight into my life. I understand this kind of thing is lowkey boring to read about though, so I’ll keep it separate from my actual entry. I may mention things that definitely sound a little dismal to those unaware, but I’m doing better now than the things that happened to me in the past.

Uhm, in short… some things I might say sound alarming, but they are just parts of my past I have come/adapting to live with! So don’t worry!

So what is chronic insomnia? It’s not complicated, it’s basically ‘insomnia’ but long-term and frequent. It means I rarely if ever get a proper sleep/enough sleep, I am in a constant state of running on minimum energy, enough to keep me functioning, and it’s a luxury for me to get an actual rest. It is actually near impossible for me to go to sleep on my own without the use of sleeping agent psychotropics. I’ve tried on several handfuls of occasions to rest on my own, but I always end up fruitless in my endeavors… hence my most recent episode.

LOL… it probably sounds awful, but I swear I’ve adapted. And no, this didn’t develop on its own, I think it’s rare chronic insomnia ever does, or at least from what I’ve heard from other places.

It didn’t become terrible until I got to university, but I can trace back the earliest moments of me developing this curse of mine back in my highschool years. This was before I received therapy and medication for what was going on in my life at the time, and I’ll preface that these years are the actual worst of my life, and because of that… well, my perception and memory of actual events that transpired during that time are a bit sparse and blurry because my mind was in some sort of ‘fog’. But anyways, if there’s anything I remember, it was staying up late and not because I was an AP kid drowning in work (I always got it done before this time, I was good about that).

However, rather, my late night insomnia wasn’t to stay up or play games either, it was absolutely voluntary. Due to the events happening in my life during this time, laying in bed was absolutely the scariest thing I could do. My mind was so, so dark that I had to constantly keep myself busy in any way possible or else it would go through… well, a very dark tunnel. If I wasn’t doing anything, if the train were to ever stop…

Those feelings, those terrible thoughts would catch up to me.

If I laid in bed, it would lead to thinking, which usually would lead to tears, or most commonly panic attacks, very violent ones, and I hated having them. Even if I wasn’t in a funk, I had these nightly panic attacks if I was simply laying in bed thinking. I couldn’t shut my brain off. I attempted taking melatonin supplements for a while in hopes it would help me fall asleep peacefully, but they never worked as well as I’d hoped, or I built up an immunity or something. Whatever the case, the only ‘remedy’ to my situation I came up with at that age was to stay up. To just literally stay awake as long as possible focused on something, anything, until my mind was too tired to think and I’d pass out from pure exhaustion without having the capacity to have a panic attack.

And yes, this was before I had many options. For reasons I’ll spare you, I couldn’t really get actual prescribed sleep aids like I do now, and it wasn’t because of finances thankfully or anything like that. But, well, I’ve hinted a few times my home life… was far from perfect, and thus I was barred from getting any real help I needed for a while, not just regarding this insomnia issue I was developing as a defense mechanism.

So yeah, because I made this a practice of mine, it was no doubt pretty easy for me to fuck up a sleep schedule. LOL. Even when I got out of this era of my life, when things were that bad, I did not trust myself, and I still stuck to this habit, I was still terrified of these nightly panic attacks, so I never really resolved it— I still haven’t. The only reason I’m able to sleep at all now is because my meds do the same thing I was doing— forcing me to sleep because they’d drain me of all my energy. LOL. Though thankfully, these help me… usually, fall asleep in more healthy curfews.

Even MORE unfortunately though, it’s not just this ‘fear’ of mine that keeps me up, I developed a new contender a year or so ago called mania.

Before I explain this one though, I ask that you please take any explanation of my health/mental health issues with a grain of salt because even if someone has the same issues as I do, everyone experiences symptoms and differently, no two experiences are identical. So in other words, don’t take the way I describe my issues as an end all, be all. Everything I have has been professionally diagnosed. OK? OK! Continuing…

If you don’t know what mania is, it’s a state of being that usually goes in hand with bipolar disorder (what I also have and the root of this), it’s sort of like… a feeling of elation. Being too happy, like, unreasonably happy and hyper, a sense of euphoria. On paper, this probably doesn’t sound like a bad thing, however, it very much is, especially because it’s pretty uncontrollable. Mania, for me, often leads to this ‘wired’ feeling, this sudden burst of energy that makes it impossible to sleep, it feels like this sort of fuel that’s a mixture between anxiety and dopamine, because of this tightening feeling I get in my chest. It makes my thoughts race, it’s hard to focus on anything people say to me, makes me dangerously impulsive, and of course… what comes up, must come down. An intense mood crash usually follows after my mania expires. So I’m not just fighting my own poor habit, but mania too to actually get some sleep, LOL. Thankfully the new medication my doctor gave me is for my mania, I was a little against it at first because it is yet ANOTHER mood stabilizer, and I’m already on 2 of them, so I was scared I’d become some kind of zombie… But we’ll see. Also need to get my blood drawn soon in case I swap medications again.

And again, I know this all may sound a little upsetting, I’m sorry if it does, but I promise I’m doing my best to manage it, but I hope this explains my ungodly sleep schedule until I can get it more under control. My body seems to understand it too, as I can pass out for crazy lengths of time, I’m talking like… 10+ hours of sleep. Today I slept 16, even. Sleep debt is real guys.

At any rate! Hope this clears things up! I’ll write something less clinical and boring soon.
 
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