A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

[Blanc]

Blanc I dunno what I can say or do to make you feel better but I do wanna let you know that you're loved, like here, and with your other friends too.

It's really hard though...and I get that. I really appreciate you~, so please, keep going at it

It’s alright, I’m worn down but not defeated. I failed to get the stuff I planned to done today but that’s alright… I’ll just try again tomorrow.

Thank you, Lisia, I’m holding very tightly to what I have, the tunnel ahead has been foggy and unforgiving, but it’s nothing I haven’t conquered before.

A little down today because I failed, but I just have to get back up tomorrow.

Maybe this wasn't directed at anyone particularly, but I do wanna let you know that I won't leave that side!!




ahhhhh dude I just really hope you feel better soon. even if not, that's life too, but I really do care about you. you're awesome!!

thank you, I’m sorry I’ve been typing some erratic stuff lately… LOL.. too many ups and downs… Ingo is okay(ish) now too so I’m a little less troubled, but I still feel overwhelmed, so I’ll try to power through.

Hopefully I can feel awesome. I admire your energy, Lisia!

 

[Blanc]

really tapping into my reserve energy here, unfortunately cancelled some irl plans because I am just so stressed I couldn’t enjoy them properly.

At least Ingo is okay.

Feeling all sorts of like… I have taken a tumble down a hill and I’m trying to climb back up LOOOL.

Note for myself here for sure I have to call tomorrow about my car service, my blood work for my doctor, (if i have the strength) the therapy consultation, and then maaaybe go out and get my belt for my coughs uniform, and a new screen protector for my phone.

It’s fine it’s fiine… This really nervous energy needs to go away oh my godddd…

 

[lisianthus]

Blanc is there anything I could do to help? I want to make sure you feel the best you can, even if that best is hard to get!!

頑張ってお姉さん、本当にお姉さんに応援していますわ

 

[CuboneKing]

Just wanna say it’s okay that you’ve “failed” to get everything done you were supposed to. Believe me, I get how when you’re that overwhelmed and burnt out, tasks some might consider menial feel like the largest burdens you could ever possibly have. Take care of yourself and remember you are cared about, you are not a failure, and you’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you have. The tunnel ahead might be foggy but it will take you somewhere. And echoing tako, please let me know if there’s anything I can do.

 

[Blanc]

Blanc is there anything I could do to help? I want to make sure you feel the best you can, even if that best is hard to get!!

I feel really bad for worrying you or if I'm making you feel really helpless, Lisia, I'm sorry... 本当にごめんなさい... Honestly, just being here as a gentle ear is enough for me. And I’m sorry for replying so late!! This week has had me running on fumes, but I’m finally getting errands done, so I’m feeling a smidge better than I was a couple days ago… it’s not much but one step at a time! What I really need is to find a way to recharge this battery of mine… sits here and melts next to you. Just thank you for being my friend and putting up with me through this, I know it can’t be fun.

When I have the energy, I’ll draw you something properly!!

Just wanna say it’s okay that you’ve “failed” to get everything done you were supposed to. Believe me, I get how when you’re that overwhelmed and burnt out, tasks some might consider menial feel like the largest burdens you could ever possibly have.

God… yeah. Phone calls are so hard, I put them off as long as possible. But not just that, even getting out of bed and just finding the motivation is hard. There was a line in a manga I was reading last night that phrased my feelings perfectly.

“Because I’m flawed, I have to put in more effort than everyone else.”

The hardest part is because it’s an invisible battle, no one ever knows how hard we’re trying, huh?

Take care of yourself and remember you are cared about, you are not a failure, and you’re doing the best you can with the circumstances you have. The tunnel ahead might be foggy but it will take you somewhere. And echoing tako, please let me know if there’s anything I can do.

You two are seriously better than I deserve… I’m sorry I took so long to reply today, I stuck to my word and got… most of what I needed to do done! on one hour of sleep no less thanks to mania as usual

My self esteem is a little poorer than usual and I’m as anxious as always, but I’m chugging along. I spoiled myself a little and bought myself a Dratini plush and some selfcare products (I looove facemasks and bath bombs) Planning to conk out tonight and just… Get to the rest I have to do one step at a time. I’m weak and fragile, and it’s hard to cope with that…

But if I don’t take things at the pace my body allows I’ll fall apart LOL. I’m sorry if it sounds gloomy, but I promise I’m used to it, I know that’s just how it be.

 

[lisianthus]

I feel really bad for worrying you or if I'm making you feel really helpless, Lisia, I'm sorry... 本当にごめんなさい... Honestly, just being here as a gentle ear is enough for me.

I'll always continue doing that!!

And I’m sorry for replying so late!! This week has had me running on fumes, but I’m finally getting errands done, so I’m feeling a smidge better than I was a couple days ago… it’s not much but one step at a time!

One step at a time is good! Don't worry about replying late, we all missed you, but your mental health is ALWAYS important!!

What I really need is to find a way to recharge this battery of mine… sits here and melts next to you. Just thank you for being my friend and putting up with me through this, I know it can’t be fun.

If it's sad things, it won't stay that way forever. And!! it's usually fun! even if you're not feeling well, just having someone I look up to and appreciate, being with them, is fun to me!! :)

When I have the energy, I’ll draw you something properly!!

それは本当に優しいですね！エネルギーがないなら。。。もちろん今の描きました絵がすご～いですよ！

God… yeah. Phone calls are so hard, I put them off as long as possible. But not just that, even getting out of bed and just finding the motivation is hard. There was a line in a manga I was reading last night that phrased my feelings perfectly.

“Because I’m flawed, I have to put in more effort than everyone else.”

The hardest part is because it’s an invisible battle, no one ever knows how hard we’re trying, huh?

That's probably everyone in life!! みんなは自分だけの大変な道を歩く。。。

You two are seriously better than I deserve… I’m sorry I took so long to reply today, I stuck to my word and got… most of what I needed to do done! on one hour of sleep no less thanks to mania as usual

If you're able to (which is VERY easier said than done!!) try to get a lil more sleep!! And I'm glad you had a nice productive day!!

My self esteem is a little poorer than usual and I’m as anxious as always, but I’m chugging along. I spoiled myself a little and bought myself a Dratini plush and some selfcare products (I looove facemasks and bath bombs) Planning to conk out tonight and just… Get to the rest I have to do one step at a time. I’m weak and fragile, and it’s hard to cope with that…

But if I don’t take things at the pace my body allows I’ll fall apart LOL. I’m sorry if it sounds gloomy, but I promise I’m used to it, I know that’s just how it be.

You'll be OK! Put yourself first お姉さん～、you're so awesome!!

 

[Blanc]

MADE THIS OF MYSELF FOR MY RAID GROUP LATER TODAY -- Will polish it for real later

 

[Blanc]

Haven’t made my appointment for doctor or therapy yet but… I’m going to do it! I’m going to take my new medication!! I’m a little scared but I gotta get this mania under controllll…

 

[Blanc]

If I become a zombie after this...so be it... LOL.

I have bipolar disorder (unfortunately unknown what type specifically, my doctor told me to reach out to a psychologist for that), so my moods can get really crazy. The medication I'm currently on helps keep me from terrible depressive episodes (so long as I remember to take it) however, keeping me from getting down only worked to hyper boost my mania, so this medicine is to combat that... Hopefully in the end with both, neutralizing my moods from getting too extreme one way or another.

To be honest, I was a little scared! I already took it, so we'll see. But it feels like, well... it felt like my mania controls a lot of my mood, so I'm a little scared of how my normal mood will shift.

I guess it's better than being manic all the time?

There's also a possibility this could go terribly and cause a completely meltdown, my doctor told me to stop taking it completely in this case. LOL sorry I'm writing a whole ass medical checkup and not my actual 'log' yet!! I'm going to take a nap before raid, eat lunch and down the rest of my meds. God...

Honestly, it really, really sucks to be on so many pills, but I'm a wreck without them.

Sssssssoooo be it! Whatever gives the engine fuel.

 

[lisianthus]

zombie blanc, does she eat coal or brains!?

you can do it!! and even if it doesn't work that's OK too! sometimes medication doses and stuff vary so give it timeeeeeeee~

oh and if you don't feel up to it you don't need to write a log. sure, it'd be super awesome, but...your health is really important!!

 

[Blanc]

zombie blanc, does she eat coal or brains!?

We will find out!! If I have to, I’ll just eat Ingo’s, she won’t mind. LOL

you can do it!! and even if it doesn't work that's OK too! sometimes medication doses and stuff vary so give it timeeeeeeee~

Yeaaahhh, it’s always scary to try something new medication wise, but my doctor pressed and pressed me on this till I finally gave. He said I can stop ASAP if it doesn’t work so hereeee we go. Trying to prepare for my bloodwork next week and then the con I’m going to. Too busy!!

oh and if you don't feel up to it you don't need to write a log. sure, it'd be super awesome, but...your health is really important!!

Awwwa… Thank you, Lisia, but I’m doing okay(ish)!! My sleep is still erratic but hopefully my mania will die down… maybe?! I’m about to at least retreat to the comforts of my train car bed for a nice nap!! I feel calm so maybe the meds are working? It’s too soon to tell…

Weight loss is common on this medicine, which made my doctor hesitant because I’m already underweight. Very しょうがない。 Thank you for always looking out for me!! 病弱な姉のような存在で申し訳ないです。。。

I’ll write something soon!! I’m doing my best day by day even if it’s small amounts…

 

[Blanc]

I FORGOT ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECT OF DIZZINESS

 

[lisianthus]

I FORGOT ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECT OF DIZZINESS

BEING DIZZY!? YOU OK!? DIZZY SUNFIST!?

 

[Blanc]

BEING DIZZY!? YOU OK!? DIZZY SUNFIST!?

I need to listen to them toss me a rec when you can tbh!! LOL

SO I WOKE UP AFTER MY NAP DIZZY AS ALL HELL… Dizziness and nausea are also side effects of my new meds… and I got both. LMAO fucked up in ways I did NOT see coming. Raiding in that state sure was. A Time. I’m hoping like my usual routine with new meds though that this is temporary till I get used to them. Still omgggg… That was the most I ever had to think in my LIFE LOL…

I was scared I was gonna vomit but I didn’t, phew.

I want to start drawing sketches to post here of funny stuff that happens during raid, but the problem is I have to assign all my friends Pokemon characters to be drawn as and I haven’t asked everyone their favorites yet. I’ll have to make a new sort of log for raid days comics LOOOL.

Whew, this is gonna take some getting used to. It’s too early to tell if it’s ‘working’ or not yet but… I feel pretty ‘normal’ for now?? I think??? Nice.

 

[lisianthus]

I need to listen to them toss me a rec when you can tbh!! LOL

My personal favorite of theirs is EPISODE II! All of the ones from that EP are absolutely full of energy! The one to not miss from there is My Rainbow! I also love Diamonds Shine by them! I don't know if you exactly like it because I think you're more of a fan of electronic and emoish stuff, but!! here ya gooooooo

SO I WOKE UP AFTER MY NAP DIZZY AS ALL HELL… Dizziness and nausea are also side effects of my new meds… and I got both. LMAO fucked up in ways I did NOT see coming. Raiding in that state sure was. A Time. I’m hoping like my usual routine with new meds though that this is temporary till I get used to them. Still omgggg… That was the most I ever had to think in my LIFE LOL…

I was scared I was gonna vomit but I didn’t, phew.

Sounds scary!! Hopefully you adjust...and in the meantime maybe don't use the 3D feature of a 3DS (lol) or VR!! Glad you're relatively OK~

I want to start drawing sketches to post here of funny stuff that happens during raid, but the problem is I have to assign all my friends Pokemon characters to be drawn as and I haven’t asked everyone their favorites yet. I’ll have to make a new sort of log for raid days comics LOOOL.

OMG that's so amazing!!! We already know who Ingo is!! (lol)

Whew, this is gonna take some getting used to. It’s too early to tell if it’s ‘working’ or not yet but… I feel pretty ‘normal’ for now?? I think??? Nice.

Congrats on your newfound normalishness!! You're really brave for doing all this so that's super awesome!!! :)

 

[lisianthus]

お休みお姉さん～

 

[Blanc]

I’m so sorry for this impromptu, unformatted entry! I’m typing from my phone and haven’t gotten to get a lot of time online in general at the moment!! And… I probably won’t till next week, gomen gomen. But uhhh, update! I’ll get to replies and checking up on everyone when the train returns to the station… It’s on a very long trip at the moment!

My father came to visit me, and I’m going to be doing my rounds at an annual convention again this weekend, and the preparation for it as well as taking care of my dad has kept me verrrrry busy. I miss bulbagarden!! I promise I’m not unalive LOL.

As for how I’ve been other than missing my routines, well, I’m getting by! My anxiety always spikes when my dad visits, but I’m pretty OK otherwise! I took a break from my medication for my mania because I haven’t adapted to it, so it makes me nauseated… and I can’t really have that happen while I’m at a con for like, 8 hours a day. Life will resume as usual by next week!

My biggest worry for tomorrow is my stamina… LOL, as I’ve mentioned I’m incredibly frail, so I always collapse after these things, so I just hope I’ll survive.

On the bright side, I’m actually sleeping a bit, but that’s usually because when my father visits he keeps me a bit busy, so I end up exhausted. LOL Not to mention it’s been SUPER hot here and the heat drains my energy so so fast… I may not survive tomorrow LMAO.

Oh yeah!! I got my nails done in a super cute design to match my cosplay uniform! I’ll share a pic when I’m not bound to my phone. It feels weird not seeing them in purple, because I ALWAYS get purple… but it’s very cute!! (a white and black design!)

I’ve been debating whether I’ll go tryhard and wear my eyeliner too… I haven’t worn eyeliner since covid hit so my skill at making wings went down.

I also started playing Pokemon GO again, and oh my god… I have a fun story to share here. So my dad goes on walks almost every night, and because of this I had the (what I first thought) a genius idea to give my dad my account to log into whenever he was on a walk, and teach him how to play.

Needless to say, I taught him in about 5 minutes in a restaurant and as soon as I finished, he sprung from his seat and said “I’m gonna walk around the parking lot”, and left. About 15 minutes later he came back, running towards me with a spark in his eyes to showcase a tentacool he managed to catch… using all of my Pokeballs. LMAOOOO

When we got home he went “I’m gonna go walk around the lake!” I got him hooked. Pokemon has been the best way I can bond with him, so it’s really nice, even if he uses all my Pokeballs.

Aaah, I’ve only hiatus’d since friday but it feels so long… I can’t wait to be back for real, I’m so sorry!! I’ll see what I can get to tonight before bed, but I miss you guys! And thank you Lisia for always checking up on me! お姉ちゃんはいつも応援しています!

Hopefully this weekend will bring some fun stories! The train will return to the station soon!

 

[Blanc]

Finally home, sorry for super short update, I’m insanely worn ouuuut… gonna crash soon. I also finally finished 86… Oh man, it made me feel a lot of emotions. Definitely an anime I can put in my top ten favorites.

Time to return to my routine tomorrow!

 

[lisianthus]

お帰りなさいお姉さん！お休み～！I'll be excited to see you tomorrowwwww☆

 

[Blanc]

My personal favorite of theirs is EPISODE II! All of the ones from that EP are absolutely full of energy! The one to not miss from there is My Rainbow! I also love Diamonds Shine by them! I don't know if you exactly like it because I think you're more of a fan of electronic and emoish stuff, but!! here ya gooooooo

Soooo I ended up listening to the whole EP on the way to the convention and wowowowow I loved it. It's all so reminiscent of the early 2000s JP rock I listen to!! Thank you for recommending them, Lisia! And don't worry, even though electronic and emo is more my vibe, this is definitely another! I wanna listen to more of Dizzy Sunfist!!

And I can now say I'm officially back from my mini-hiatus, LOL! I missed you!

お休みお姉さん～

ただいま、妹よさん!

お帰りなさいお姉さん！お休み～！I'll be excited to see you tomorrowwwww☆

The train has rolled back into the station!! Time to catch up on eeeeevrrrrything I missed and then make an entry about my travels! LOL! Don't mind me making my rounds!! I missed you lots! It was only 4 days but it felt kinda long, right?? LOL