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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

I’LL POST THE REAL LOG OF MY EXCURSION SOON!! For now, have these pretty cool pics my friend took of me, and my nails I got done for my cosplay (when I take off my gloves!) I have sooo many photos to share coming up so I’ll get some out of the way now, LOL

All aboard!

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aaand my nails up close!! I'm in love with the design!!

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I’LL POST THE REAL LOG OF MY EXCURSION SOON!! For now, have these pretty cool pics my friend took of me, and my nails I got done for my cosplay (when I take off my gloves!) I have sooo many photos to share coming up so I’ll get some out of the way now, LOL
Yay!! looking forwards to all the cool stuff~
All aboard!


aaand my nails up close!! I'm in love with the design!!

THAT'S SO COOL AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh such an amazing cosplay!!!! I love your keychain thingies too ahhhh whoaaaaaaa!!!

And the nail design looks super cool too, is it based off of anything in particular!? I'd love to try something like that out somedayyyyyyy~

Super amazing cosplay, hopefully someday I can do one of Lisia or something!!
 
Yay!! looking forwards to all the cool stuff~
I'm still getting my pics together to post a full log of the con itself so I'm sooo sorry it's taking a bit, Lisia!! I want to photograph the Pokeball Terrariums I got in good lighting to showcase.
THAT'S SO COOL AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh such an amazing cosplay!!!! I love your keychain thingies too ahhhh whoaaaaaaa!!!
I'm SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, it's definitely my most fun cosplay!! My pokeballs are actually super old toys, like from 2004!! LOL One comment I got at the con about my eelektross and joltik was "omg! You brought along so many friends!"

And the nail design looks super cool too, is it based off of anything in particular!? I'd love to try something like that out somedayyyyyyy~

Super amazing cosplay, hopefully someday I can do one of Lisia or something!!
It's based off my Emmet cosplay, so it's just meant to be a black and white design! I tried to make the ring finger look something like an arrow, I considered Xs just for fun. Please do!! It'd be fun to do nails together!! I hate not having them painted tbh!

I'd LOVE to see you do a cosplay of Lisia!! Her design is top tier and suits you best!! Pokemon cosplay meetup let's GOOOOO

bruh train guy cosplay? thats pretty fricking pog bruh
YOU'RE pretty pog bruh, but really, THANK YOU KERF!! It was not easy to wear in 80 F+ degrees. and thank you for matching with me, LOL, it's hella cute...
 
╔══▲═════════════╗
If all that you can do, when you’re so
flawed, is raise up your own facade,
But that’s better than just fading,
and disappearing so quietly.
I just want you to hear
the real sound of me.
ᵀʳᵘᵉ ˢᵒᵘᶰᵈ ᵇʸ ᴷᵒᵏᶤᵃ
╚════════════▽═══╝

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Been really sleepy and lethargic since I got back from the convention, so I'm sorry my entries are coming back pretty sluggishly, LOL. I still have bruises on my legs from walking too much... I didn't even know that could happen! When I get pictures of my terrariums in proper lighting, I'll share all the fun stories of what transpired. For now though, I figured everyone was kinda due an update on my life, I guess! The con only ended last Sunday, so I've been busy recuperating, kinda boring I know, but I guess this is just a long winded way of going 'yo! I'm alive!' I'm pretty frail, so whenever I do big events like that I need a good few days to rest and recollect myself. It's gonna hit me again tomorrow though because I have a bloodwork appointment, and because I'm underweight whenever blood is drawn it knocks me out for the whoooole day. LOL I'm sorry hearing about my medical track record is probably so monotonous at this point, I just didn't win the genetic lottery in that regard.

I'm also just trying to be pretty frugal with my money right now, I spent way too much at the con. IT HAPPENSSS.... Thank god they're only once a year.

I bought these super cute terrariums of Chandelure, Litwick, Dialga, and Lugia at the con. They have fairy lights in them!! I bought a ton of accessories too. I wanted a fluffy lapras, but those sold out rather quickly... Ah well, there's always next time!
If only they made a big Eelektross plush....

Unfortunately, the con didn't have a big arcade this time. I was pretty bummed about that! The con arcades are usually where I spend a good portion of my time because I'm the biggest rhythm game junkie ever. What's a con without a Maimai machine?!


While I've been getting reacclimated to my life, I've taken to chatting a little in the Bulbadiscord. It's pretty fun, but I think I prefer the atmosphere of the forums best. Plus, I'm not a social person as I'm sure I've made clear, so I just like lax spaces best. I also have a huge tendency to psyche myself out if I feel like I'm talking too much, like if I really 'belong' somewhere and all that. It's easier for me to feel at home in places that feel tinier, I feel more accepted. Moving forward to new destinations is nice and all, but I want to find a place I can call home too. I sound cheesy again, huh. LOL

The downtown is so gorgeous, I wish I took more pictures while I was out! Aughhh... There was a ferris wheel downtown. I've never ridden a ferris wheel!! I really want to go on it. I miss going to amusement parks in general...they're just too expensive.

Ingo clung to me when I got back too, which... not going to lie, I appreciated! It's kind of sweet to know people like her are waiting for me to return. Reasons to keep going. Sorry my thoughts are kinda everywhere, I like to write these when it's late at night and the silence is peaceful. Just me and the stars above.

I'm so overwhelmed by things I wanna say, things I can never say. Are you ever just in a mood where you want to burn the planet with all the love and good you can muster in your heart?

Something like that.

Summer is coming soon, and it's always been a strange season for me. Something about it has such a nostalgic feeling, you know what I mean? I think it's because it's the time we're all out of school, so we use that time to make memories. A lot of memories are stored in that season. I remember I had a tradition at the end of every summer where I'd go through all my old sketchbooks I accumulated every year, from start to present. It was fun to see how much I grew in both art and as a person! I'm nowhere near where I want to be though, I still don't feel quite strong enough to stand on my own. My heart has been pretty fragile lately, more than usual, it's kind of mushy and bruised after all these years. Please treat me gently.

And thank you for always checking on someone as flighty as me. I never really have the words to thank people for their kindness, be it when they like my art, to enjoy my presence... to anything.

Just thank you, I'm always scared my heart is overflowing. LOL.

Is it really okay? Is it really fine for me to heal? Can I really have friends and heal and be myself? Is it really okay? I keep asking myself this stuff...

I'm going to try to call the therapy office next week, it's just soooo scary. Phone calls are too scary, especially one like this. My uni had a job fair recently that sent me into another episode of anxiety, and the only way I distracted myself was by becoming manic again. What is life LOL.

Remember to take care of yourselves, find your place you feel safest. Hold yourself close, remember it's okay. You'll be okay. No matter what happens, just hold those things close to your heart, OK? Even if you haven't found home, there's always a train car to rest in.

And when it's all said and done, when we're too tired to think, let's just look at the blue sky out the car window. I'm glad summer isn't far away. Thank you for being here.
 
I’m glad you had fun at the con! You’re definitely gonna have to post those Pokémon terrariums. It’s okay to be feeling kinda fragile, and it’s also definitely okay to heal, you more than deserve it. Good luck with the therapy office (I’m kinda going through the same thing with getting back to therapy and communication anxiety so that’s fun), you so got this.
 
I’m glad you had fun at the con! You’re definitely gonna have to post those Pokémon terrariums.
There was an artist there who would make custom ones! You could commission him to make one of aaaany Pokemon you wanted, it was so cool!! Naturally I got my favs, if I had enough money, I would’ve gotten one of Eelektross too, but maybe next year! I think you’ll love them too, Cubone!

Good luck with the therapy office (I’m kinda going through the same thing with getting back to therapy and communication anxiety so that’s fun), you so got this.
Aughh we are in this together!! LOL. I honestly never expected finding a new therapist to be so much effort, not just hunting, but finding the courage to do so… It’s me and you against the world! I hate that you’re going through this hurdle too, but really I’m glad I’m not alone… We got this!

that post from 2 or 3 thingies up was sooo beautiful, like omg WOW.when i get home hopefully tomorrow or monday, i'll like, take a post to actually appreciate it lol, but, I'm always cheering for youuuuuuu!

...woo♪
AAAA LISIA ごめね I’M SO LATE!! I’ve been in art hell now that I’m back home LOL. UWAAA HEARING THIS ALONE FROM YOU IS GONNA MAKE ME CRY TEARS OF JOY!! I was actually just talking about you earlier and how much you are just a ray of light in my life. You genuinely brighten my days and for you to praise my art is like… one of the best feelings ever. I hope you make it home safe!! I’ve been trying to get my mania under control again and it’s been aughhh…

But really, you’ve made these tracks a lot less bumpy!! I hope I can do the same for you!! My art is my life, so if you can enjoy that it means the world!! あなたは最高のお姉さんよ!
 
BLANC YOU'RE SO COOL OMG (you have a vita!?!? and OMG i better talk rhythm games WITHYOUMOREEEEE OMG YOU'RE LITERALLY THE BESTEST OMG
YOU'RE WAAAAY COOLER!! AAAAA I'M EMBARRASSED!! YOU'RE THE BEST!! I do have a Vita!! I don't use it a lot these days so it's kinda dusty, but it's actually a handheld system I enjoy a lot! I'm pretty attached to the Vita, I think it was a good system (and the one I played the most Project Diva on LOOOOL) What would you say is your normal difficulty range on rhythm games, Lisia??
YOU BETTER NOT SPILL THAT ON MY TRAIN SEATS!!!!

Oh, yeah! I finally got some good pics of my terrariums I commissioned! Ngl I would've gotten one of Eelektross had I the funds, I'll be sure to next year! I commissioned Chandelure and Lugia because those two own the top spots in my heart, they even have timers on the lights so I can use them as little nightlights! They're verrry cute! The Dialga one I did not commission, however, he was one the artist had on display that I fell in love with so I nabbed him. LOL Same for the Pikachu and Litwick.

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Got emotional today cause Ingo spontaneously pulled me aside to... thank me for changing her life and being her gateway to make so many more friends. I was...a bit surprised, to say the least! LOL I'm usually the one bumbling out soft and mushy things... so I got really flustered! She randomly told me to log on FFXIV, to which I did, and she led me to a certain beach area (you know the one if you play) to tell me she wanted to recreate the first photo we took together on the game. It's kind of ironic in a way, I was just recently thinking of how she's sort of come to terms with 'needing' others in her life. She always prided herself on being just fine alone, to the point that early on in our friendship a few years ago that we weren't very compatible because...I was clingy and she was always one to go off on her own without much fret for others at all.

Not to say that's a bad thing either, I admire her ability to put herself first and just live her life, but I'm glad she's learned she's allowed to feel and not be alone too. Summer really is the season of nostalgia... Ughhhh, I'm so glad to be done with all of my big to-dos for a while, tbh! My legs still hurt and I just want to relax. My uni friends are addicted to watching my solo randomized nuzlocke too, but I'll get into that when I write my actual blog post LOL.

Anyways, does anyone else just want to jump into any body of water this time of year?! It's so hot down here I caved and bought a tank top... It's super cute and has a skull on it! I've never owned one before, but I'll definitely make use of it down here... LOL. Need to recharge my social battery...
 
(watch in 60fps for best examination of my reaction time! LOL) I already showed Lisia! But I'm currently trying to full combo this song in Touhou Danmaku Kagura, as you can tell in the video, I start to fumble after the fever time because this song is relentless in its energy, I lost steam around the end... LOL. it's one of the harder 27s. You see, even though rhythm games are given a flat difficulty (26, 27 etc) one 27 can be easier than another and vice versa. The difficulties start to muddle the closer you get to 30. This is definitely one of the harder 27 maps due to how little rest period you get. It's a nonstop assault! It's a super fun map though, so I enjoy playing it! This one in particular is just a very good example of where my 'limit' is. I'd say a high 27 like this is like... the highest I can play and clear.

Oh, and this is my first playthrough of this map after not touching the game for over a year. I'm definitely rusty LOL.

Back in rhythm game hell.
 
╔══▲═════════════╗
I’ve come this far, throwing off shadows,
I’ve gone many places, following signposts,
I’ve come this far, walking and searching.
My words have been submerged, but still I weave them.
Throwing that past away, I’ve come this far.
ˢᵒᶰᵍ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᴱᵃʳᵉᵈ ᴿᵒᵇᵒᵗ ᵇʸ ᴹᶤᵐᶤʳᵒᵇᵒᴾ
╚════════════▽═══╝
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Okay, okay! So I know this entry is kind of a mixture of all sorts of things taped together, I'm deeply sorry about that!! There was simply... a lot to say that I had fallen behind on saying and something like this was the most clever way I could think of getting the job done. If you could listen a bit to that'd mean a lot to me! I know there's no real pressure on keeping up this kind of thing or making sure it remains 'current', but it's something I'd just really like to keep consistent, so I want to do my best on keeping everyone updated in whatever way I can! Going to go over what I didn't cover in the recordings... the convention was JUST as hot as the park, and walking around in my coat all day was pretty rough, but I'd say it was worth it. Conventions are always fun in varying degrees, and it was fun to meet and see so many people talking about Pokemon again after it felt like something that quietly faded into the background in the con scene. Pokemon is waaay too big to ever be snuffed out forever, but it definitely had more of an energy this time than it usually does. Lots more excitement from other goers and artists alike! Of course I got lots of jokes about Ingo being gone and it was fun to play into them, LOL. I bought some other cool merch I haven't shown yet, like my giant Lugia decoration and my Litwick candles I'm planning to burn for special occasions. (I wish they had decorations of Chandelure and Eelektross... ) Maybe next time! I only go to cons pretty much twice a year, they're fun but way too taxing energy wise and too expensive to consider consistently... There weren't too many cool cosplays this year, but! What I did see was super cool! Like the World of Warcraft ones, League of Legends, lots of Genshin Impact of course... etc. Plus cons are way too social, and it drains me soooo much. (introvert 100%)

You know, I couldn't really get into Genshin! Maybe if I did before it exploded in popularity, idk, I tend to stay away from mainstream stuff, not because I want to be hipster or anything, but I think when I get overexposed to things I have a natural tendency to stay away from it. The same happened to me when Yuri On Ice came out, it was EVERYWHERE, and that took away my interest to really experience it myself. Maybe I'm just always drawn to niche stuff people don't really care about, LOOOOL.

But anyways, I'm getting reacclimated to my life now that the Big Events I had to do are officially out of the way. Nothing else is coming up, and I'd kind of like to keep it that way! I'm going to try and get my adulting in life out of the way slowly, but surely. I'm also going to only go out if I absolutely have to, because gas is expensive. I also want to dive head first into productivity with my art, so I'm again deeply sorry that you're probably only going to get sketches here... but at least I'll have more finished products in my art thread!! Uhm.. there's a lot I want to do actually...

I've really been craving to play minecraft again, mostly because of my shaders making the game so serene. It's like my escape outdoors without going outdoors LOL... My doctor is gonna kill me for being vitamin D deficient again. I hope these entries aren't as jumbled a mess as I think they are.

That said, I know some folks had interest in some JP lessons here, and I'd love to get that started sometime soon with my Soul-Link Nuzlocke also. I'm busy again...but with personal stuff, and I prefer that waaay more than going out anywhere! I'm sorry, I have to think of it all in baby steps or else I'll get overwhelmed. This entry still feels kind of brief, even with the recording(s), so I hope that's not the case! Uhm, thank you, as always for believing in me... Maybe if things go well, I can have time to open up an 'art shop' here where people can request warm-up sketches. It'd be pretty fun practice, unfortunately I couldn't offer anything fully rendered as I take commissions, and naturally that isn't something I can take up here with respect to bulbagarden! That part doesn't bother me anyways, my commissions open and close in rapid succession anyway. I found another shiny Luxio today in PLA! But now I have two! I'm not sure what to do with the other...

Oh, my cousin moved out, so I get her bathroom. My aunt was kind enough to clean it for me, so I moved all my bath supplies in there. It's kind of nice to have my own bathroom!

Anyways! I'm gonna head to bed so I can get to things. I'm glad this blog is finally up to date again, now I can chat in my train car freely with everyone! yaaaaay! I hope everyone wants to swim this summer as much as I do! Kind of want to share my fics too... I'll see!
 
Okay, okay! So I know this entry is kind of a mixture of all sorts of things taped together, I'm deeply sorry about that!! There was simply... a lot to say that I had fallen behind on saying and something like this was the most clever way I could think of getting the job done. If you could listen a bit to that'd mean a lot to me! I know there's no real pressure on keeping up this kind of thing or making sure it remains 'current', but it's something I'd just really like to keep consistent, so I want to do my best on keeping everyone updated in whatever way I can!
It's always fun seeing your entries!! You put so much effort into them and it's super amazing to read them, I always look forwards to an entry from you!! But don't feel pressured to do it every day or anything! As much as it's convenient!
Going to go over what I didn't cover in the recordings... the convention was JUST as hot as the park, and walking around in my coat all day was pretty rough, but I'd say it was worth it. Conventions are always fun in varying degrees, and it was fun to meet and see so many people talking about Pokemon again after it felt like something that quietly faded into the background in the con scene. Pokemon is waaay too big to ever be snuffed out forever, but it definitely had more of an energy this time than it usually does.
That makes me happy! Hopefully I can do a dazzling Lisia cosplay someday lol, but really, I'm glad you had fun! And that Pokemon had a presence too! we all should do a con someday LOL
Lots more excitement from other goers and artists alike! Of course I got lots of jokes about Ingo being gone and it was fun to play into them, LOL. I bought some other cool merch I haven't shown yet, like my giant Lugia decoration and my Litwick candles I'm planning to burn for special occasions. (I wish they had decorations of Chandelure and Eelektross... ) Maybe next time! I only go to cons pretty much twice a year, they're fun but way too taxing energy wise and too expensive to consider consistently... There weren't too many cool cosplays this year, but! What I did see was super cool! Like the World of Warcraft ones, League of Legends, lots of Genshin Impact of course... etc. Plus cons are way too social, and it drains me soooo much. (introvert 100%)
There's a ton of people there so I totally get it!! My room is empty, so, once I go to a con I'm TOTALLY getting some merch ahhhhh!
You know, I couldn't really get into Genshin! Maybe if I did before it exploded in popularity, idk, I tend to stay away from mainstream stuff, not because I want to be hipster or anything, but I think when I get overexposed to things I have a natural tendency to stay away from it. The same happened to me when Yuri On Ice came out, it was EVERYWHERE, and that took away my interest to really experience it myself. Maybe I'm just always drawn to niche stuff people don't really care about, LOOOOL.
I played it for a little bit, and it's a solid "oh this is cool I guess" for me. Maybe I prefer other games?
But anyways, I'm getting reacclimated to my life now that the Big Events I had to do are officially out of the way. Nothing else is coming up, and I'd kind of like to keep it that way! I'm going to try and get my adulting in life out of the way slowly, but surely. I'm also going to only go out if I absolutely have to, because gas is expensive. I also want to dive head first into productivity with my art, so I'm again deeply sorry that you're probably only going to get sketches here... but at least I'll have more finished products in my art thread!! Uhm.. there's a lot I want to do actually...
YAAAY!!! I'm glad you're getting back into the swing of thingssssssss~
I've really been craving to play minecraft again, mostly because of my shaders making the game so serene. It's like my escape outdoors without going outdoors LOL... My doctor is gonna kill me for being vitamin D deficient again. I hope these entries aren't as jumbled a mess as I think they are.
If the shaders are good enough, maybe you'll get enough sun from them, and you'll have enough Vitamin D! (lol!)
That said, I know some folks had interest in some JP lessons here, and I'd love to get that started sometime soon with my Soul-Link Nuzlocke also.
すごいわね!お手伝いがいたら、手伝えます!ぁぁぁぁぁぁぁぁ!!And the Nuzlocke will be cool! I just found your thread for that too~
I'm busy again...but with personal stuff, and I prefer that waaay more than going out anywhere! I'm sorry, I have to think of it all in baby steps or else I'll get overwhelmed. This entry still feels kind of brief, even with the recording(s), so I hope that's not the case! Uhm, thank you, as always for believing in me... Maybe if things go well, I can have time to open up an 'art shop' here where people can request warm-up sketches. It'd be pretty fun practice, unfortunately I couldn't offer anything fully rendered as I take commissions, and naturally that isn't something I can take up here with respect to bulbagarden! That part doesn't bother me anyways, my commissions open and close in rapid succession anyway. I found another shiny Luxio today in PLA! But now I have two! I'm not sure what to do with the other...
suffering with success with your shinies LOL! I just caught one yesterday, but I'm in the same boat because that one was a shiny Ponyta, and I already got the free one they give to you!! I'm excited to play more Legends when I get home!
Anyways! I'm gonna head to bed so I can get to things. I'm glad this blog is finally up to date again, now I can chat in my train car freely with everyone! yaaaaay! I hope everyone wants to swim this summer as much as I do! Kind of want to share my fics too... I'll see!
Have fun doing your stuff!! Sleeping is good, and I'm glad it's up to date! I prefer playing tennis, but swimming is fun too with friends~!

And fics!? I need to write some, I was thinking about that as I was getting ready today, but didn't really come to a good conclusion on what to do~

now the audio!! I wrote this part ↓ before school and on the bus!

YOUR. VOICE. IS. SO. AMAZING. BLANC. you're literally the bestttttttttt in every single absolute way ahhh

Seriously though, it was so cool to hear you!! Hellooooooooooo~! And the background music is really cute!! Wow!!!

I like the voice recording thingy! It's such a cool idea honestly really, like I want to do something like that someday. When my voice is good lol. Someday! (soon really hopefully!!) Although I hope I would actually be good at like...talking! でもちょっと怖い。。。W

And your doodles still look great even if they're unfinished, like, I haven't gotten that good quite yet, and I want to, but you're better than A LOT of people!! So don't apologize♪ like uwaaaaaaaaa they're still amazing~

Amusement parks are fun! The fastttttt rides are nice lol.

And BLANC BUSINESS CARDS!? WHOAAAAAAA DUDE that's honestly mega neat!! I'm glad you're making friends!

I'm afraid of highways and freeways too! Especially when I'm driving, like I've only driven on a freeway once, but it's scary! And when it's someone else on a high speed in a freeway...aaah! I don't like fast cars but I like fast rides zooooooommmmm

(and on a serious note, about the car crash, I'm really glad you didn't die. like seriously. when i heard that i kinda got the "ahhhhhh nooooooooo" feeling, so, uh, please DON'T die anytime soon (or anytime at all). that'd make me REALLY really sad.)

Your outfit for the day seems so cool! I'm thinking "holy shark you sound cool as fuck" and I'm absolutely right~

And I wear only black and white too for some reason!? The only color that's like ALWAYS on me that's not those two is like, one of my bracelets is green and black LOL.

90 degree heat...I am not cut out for...that! But Utah will be not, uh, good, because it gets to that, and even higher

BLANC REAL!?

I just realized this is basically me live commenting on this. Should I leave timestamps!? (lol)

Was the pastry shop expensive? It sounds delicious though〰

I hate waiting for rides! It's incredibly childish of me but that's why I prefer smaller amusement parks! less waiting~

And ahhhh wearing yourself out is no fun! At least you have a good story to tell about it かもw

And being good at spending money is smart! Cause like, I dunno, I'd rather not die sitting on a pile of...Switch games or something?????being reasonable is good LOL

And I'm the same with appetite! Sometimes I'm like VERY hungry and sometimes I'm just like...not lol

Oh, and!! You got to do the train! And!! They had to walk while you did the trainnnnnnn so you win for both things!!

FRONT SEAT!? That sounds so fun! I want to go on a roller coaster soon! I think I'll be doing it in a month or so~

Also I just realized Blanc, we live in opposite corners of the whoooooole country! I'm in the northwest and you're in the southeast lol. Maybe we'll meet in the middle, or probably somewhere in Japan (ikebukurooooooooooooooo) someday!

I am now on the bus listening to this, because why not? It's a fun lil way to pass time~

And good for Hilbert! I'm glad that he had fun with you, really!! That's honestly super cool!

I'm imagining this like in the Pokemon anime, like where Ash and his friends are waving byeeeee to the other people! (more specifically he's like waving while walking, I dunno why that's what I'm thinking LOL) So like it's them all 5 of the people attending the Unova Pokémon College or whatever, and you're just their in your Subway Master uniform (I know it wasn't that, but this is my mental image) , and you're all saying bye to each other! It sounds like the sweetest thing ever ahhh

It would have been funny if you said "hey aunt Blanc can you pick me up!?" wait that wouldn't have worked, YOU drove lol☆

You're a really kind person with the gifts!!!! superconsiderate!

(I feel called out I am listening to all of it LOL, your girl has a ton of time before schoooooool)

I bet it hurt a lot! I think you said you're better now~ that's good~

Maybe the pain is a good reminder of like, the fun you had!? That sounds REALLY gruesome but at least you did have fun!

I don't know how to say Ghibli (wait how do I spell it) correctly too, I think it's ギブリ isn't it??????????

Wowwwww I'm looking outside the bus window and it's an absolutely beautiful foresttttttttt

I think I get the "dead air" thingy! It's like, being with the people you love is in of itself, a really precious thing!

I'd call myself pretty extroverted? Sometimes I just want to be by myself-ish LOL. that's probably normal though LOL

I am here at the 33 minutes mark wowwwwwwwwwwww! Honestly it's a neat way to spend my morning! I guess it was surprising to hear this, but really, I enjoyed it!! yayyyyyyyy~

You've said it's kinda taxing, so that makes sense ofc, but I'll be looking forwards to the next audio entries sometime! It was so cool to hear you Blanc, and I loved every minute of it!!♡

You're very awesome Blanc! Thank you for being a part of my life お姉さん!
 
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There are things that
I would rather leave unsaid.
Fear of opening a long forgotten wound.
There inside the castle
that I built all for myself
It was filled with an emptiness
so deep that I could drown.
ᵀʰᵉ ᴮᵉᵃˢᵗ ᵇʸ ˢᵖᵉᶜᵗᵃᶜˡᵉᴾ
╚════════════▽═══╝

I wanted to wait until I could give Lisia's wonderful reply above a proper response, and when I was feeling good enough to write something else but... I'm sorry. I was running away from the inevitable. I really hate writing stuff like this, so I was just trying to avoid it, but if I don't tell everyone, I think it would be kind of scary for them, and I don't really want that either. Everyone's kindness and joy shared with me was a fuel that kept me going for a bit, but I think I was already running on reserves and as much as I appreciated the time and care I was given, my engine is still running on empty...lol... you know what I mean, right? I can't really give you all of the details, because while this is a comfortable little place, I know it's still a shared space, so I'm going to do my best to parse information to make it a safe enough read for everyone. I just wish I didn't have to write something like this because I hate seeing... well, I hate leaving a trail of sadness in my wake, and I hate that other people dear to me or otherwise have to witness that time and time again. I feel like everyone has been watching me exist between these phases of hurting and healing, and it's probably kind of annoying or something... I'm sorry, life hasn't been very kind to me until recently, and habits formed from trauma don't mesh well with trying to live a normal life. I thought deeply about posting this after I went the entire day without eating, because things have gotten rather troubling.

Things will never be as bad as they were before, don't worry about that. The environment I exist in now is very safe, I'm in no real danger of things getting inherently worse. We check for safety and all that, right? LOL..

But there's still a variable there, there's still something that threatens me, and I don't really think she means to. You understand, right? I'm standing on a split in the tracks, and I have to make a choice to save her, this person who's been frozen in time so long, in order to save myself or... sorry.

I'm sorry for being cryptic as fuck, but there's no real way I can get this across as deeply as I wish I could. I probably won't be able to answer you very well either. Sorry.

I'll cut to the short of it. The train needs to leave the station for a bit. I have to take a break. I'm going to make some calls tomorrow for real this time and I'm not sure what they may lead to, but given my track record I may be 'put away' for a bit and not have access to my devices regardless of if I do so voluntarily or not. I hope it does not come to this, but it really depends on how hard I'm fighting, I think.

I will be safe, I always check for safety before letting everyone on board. And to do so, I have to keep everyone from getting on board... until I make sure. OK?

I feel kind of guilty to say all this, especially because of how well I've been treated, I don't want it to seem like none of that has helped me at all, if anything everyone here has kept me going a bit longer. But at the end of the day, there's no real support I can take into this kind of battle, it's a one on one. It's something I have to see through on my own and hopefully not lose sight of the things others have given me.

Until things are resolved, I may still be around the forum, albeit spotty, and I'll still do my best to update my art, but I may be slow to get to things-- as I have been because of this, and I'll probably be a bit quieter. If I disappear it won't be forever, if I'm lucky, it'd only be a few days like before. When people are kind to me, I never really know how to handle it, I don't feel I'm very good at expressing how I feel, I feel I never show how grateful I am for what I'm given. But my heart is also just this big, big thing, and so it gets hurt by everything, even things that aren't supposed to hurt. I want help for things like that, I need help, and I need to go seek it. I've always grown up putting on faces for those around me, to appear strong, to seem fine. I don't like it when people worry. It feels like I always go through this cycle of holding it all in until it just spontaneously combusts.

I don't like telling people that's going to happen, and I don't like it when they see it.

I've had so many little signs of my own decay, my memory has been bad. When people speak to me in real life I somehow can't seem to focus on their words, even if I want to. It's that same sort of floaty existence I had those years ago when I first made a mistake. I may also end up dropping from my raid team after tomorrow for a bit, as my heart just isn't in it right now, and I need some time away from... all of it. I don't want to bring down the team with my own inabilities right now.

(cw graphic mention) I have this disorder called dermatillomania, it's a disorder that means that I rip and peel away my own skin often until it creates a wound. I do this when I am stressed, anxious or in any sort of nervousness. This has also been getting worse lately. It's not something I want to talk about in detail, but if you have any questions I can probably answer them on discord as carefully as I can. But this getting just as bad as my subconscious was another sign that... I needed to get myself together. Everything I feel right now is nothing that happened here, don't worry. My shadow follows me, it haunts me a little, my past is walking behind me and I need to find a way to sever it.

I'm also sorry if, in the spotty times I do appear, I seem lower energy or not as excitable. I promise that it's never anyone's fault or any lack of interest... I just need some time. I need some time to make sure I'm okay, I think. Like always, my best friend (Ingo) will keep an eye on me, so genuinely don't fret. I will engage with what I can. I'm sure there was a lot more I wanted to express here, but it's kind of muddled in my mind right now. I'll try to do more than just... quietly post art but I really can't promise anything at all. I just hope things will be as I left them.

I never want anyone to go through what I do. I'm sorry, I always try to look strong for the younger trainers around here, but the truth is I'm still that weak and frightened person I always was. I'm a crybaby who can't handle anything. I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting to say but... I have to wrap this up, I have to go tell my aunt about my decisions for tomorrow before she heads to bed.

Please keep being my friend. I'm sorry you all have to be so patient with me.

The train won't leave right away but... When it does, I hope I can walk out standing a little taller, or at least be more sure of where I should go from here.

Thanks.
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Hey...

you'll make it out of this battle with a resounding victory.

I'm going to miss you a lot, incredibly so. but I understand that you need this. so please only worry about yourself for the time being. on the times where you're able to say hello, i'll always make sure to say hi.

i only want you to be happy. even if that's a really really hard thing, i believe that you can do it because you're good at doing hard things. making friends is hard. drawing is hard. talking about life and what's happened is hard.

i'm going to miss you, but of course ingo will take care of you and you're doing this for your own good.

お姉さんにずっと待ってる。頑張って。愛してるわ

until next time then :)
 
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