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A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

CuboneKing

Your Favorite Burnout
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I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much right now, friend. :( It speaks very much to your strength and bravery that you’re seeking the help you need. I’m rooting for you, I know for a fact you can get through this. You’re a wonderful person and deserve far more from this life. We’ll be here waiting for you whenever you’re ready, and don’t worry about if you’re acting less excitable. Be authentic to yourself, that’s more than enough. Feel free to drop me a message if the opportunity and need ever arises. I hope you feel better soon. You got this.
 

Blanc

▽ Part-time Subway Master ▲
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SLOW SPEED AHEAD !
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Hiya, I'm going to atttteeempt keeping from writing a wall again, but I make no promises... I'm sorry! First of all, I wanted to come back from my break sooner, but real life got pretty busy, I haven't had a lot of time to sit down between the chores I have for the next couple weeks. I'm a bit better, slowly coming out of the rut. I'm sorry if I kept you waiting! To make things short, I ended up taking a break from online contact-- still 'sort of' am as of this moment, I haven't told some friends I'm back yet mostly because I've been rather preoccupied with errands lately (and have some more tomorrow...) but I'll do my best to show my face around the forums again. As for getting the help I need-- I have returned with some good news! I was referred to a psychiatrist and received a proper diagnosis for some of my current conditions. My doctor also mentioned getting in touch with a therapist for me once the psychiatrist is contacted... so things are falling into place! Hopefully. The only downside to this is the fact I'm going to be placed on another medication to stabilize me until then, and I'm not really a fan of how many pills I'm on... I've actually been getting used to some others he gave me that make me INCREDIBLY delirious, seriously it makes it really hard to feed the cats and dogs in the morning because I'm fumbling around like I'm drunk... LOL... If I don't get used to it I'll just stop taking it, which is fine. I have another medication that supplements it, so it won't be like I'm without, if that makes sense.

The past week was a bit stressful though, my parents came to visit and didn't do much to ease my mind (my dad is rather uppity) and the state of my country right now is... not great for me. Just kind of trying to ignore it... and focusing on doing my very best. I want to think I'm doing my very best, but I feel like I'm making a lot of mistakes lately! I accidentally broke the back door in my dizzy stupor yesterday morning by messing with its old lock... Hopefully my aunt won't be mad at me, I am taking care of the house by myself after all. I also dropped from my raid team, which has helped getting reacclimated to things less stressful, I'm kind of sad because I wanted to finish the raid tier...but, it had to be done.

At any rate, thank you guys for being so patient with me... I've been taking things slowly, and thankfully everyone I know has been really considerate of that, I'm thankful. I'm really fortunate to have such loving and kind people in my life now. Maybe this is my due payment for everything that happened when I was growing up, LOL.

I have bulbagarden to thank for making my life a little brighter. I hope I can show you guys some more art soon! I want to type a lot more, but I have to wrap this up before I head to bed.

@takoyaki thank you for always looking out for me. I can't put it all into words, and even the long message I sent you in my gratitude doesn't feel like enough to equate what your friendship means to me. I want to become a stronger 'big sis' to be there for you too!

I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much right now, friend. :( It speaks very much to your strength and bravery that you’re seeking the help you need. I’m rooting for you, I know for a fact you can get through this. You’re a wonderful person and deserve far more from this life. We’ll be here waiting for you whenever you’re ready, and don’t worry about if you’re acting less excitable. Be authentic to yourself, that’s more than enough. Feel free to drop me a message if the opportunity and need ever arises. I hope you feel better soon. You got this.
Thank you Cubone... it wasn't easy! LOL.. A lot of discussions with my doctor and a little paperwork and tests on my state of being and all that. Between that and my chores it got pretty exhausting, but I'm happy I finally have some help to look forward to. I missed you a lot, and quite a handful of others here, it really pained me to be away, but I was in such a state where breaking down was like... the only foreseeable option, and I did NOT want anyone to have the misfortune of witnessing that, especially people I care about. I was thinking about you today, which is why I wanted to sit down and pull back into station! I can't wait to catch up on your compositions, and I can't wait to share more art. I'm still advancing slowly, trudging through my mess as delicately as I can... but hopefully talking here can start becoming a lot more fun! I'm nervous about the referral, but I'm hopeful it will only go well, my doctor is nice.

It's hard to feel like I deserve nice things, but the energy of bulbagarden is...astounding. I've met some insanely kind people, including you. I can't put how it feels into words. I hope one day I can repay that kindness in full.

With that said, I want to catch up with everyone!! So I want to start focusing on just getting through each day together. It's nice to chat here again! I'll do my best to heal.
 

takoyaki

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stopping by to say helllooooooooooo!!!!! I'm glad that I'm seeing you more....! ちゃんと返事を書くかも!I'm excited to see more of your art soon if you're up to putting it out sometime! and if not that's okay too!!
 

Blanc

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stopping by to say helllooooooooooo!!!!! I'm glad that I'm seeing you more....! ちゃんと返事を書くかも!I'm excited to see more of your art soon if you're up to putting it out sometime! and if not that's okay too!!
I always love hearing from you, Lisia! I've got a lot of wips on the table and I'm doing my best. Maybe I'll start streaming it more often? I'll see.


I want to be able to post something nice here. I'd like to hear something nice, if possible. I'm a bit tired of my own head.
 

takoyaki

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I always love hearing from you, Lisia! I've got a lot of wips on the table and I'm doing my best. Maybe I'll start streaming it more often? I'll see.
Watching you stream your art was a ton of fun and honestly kinda what I needed!! It was so amazing and I'd totally watch again if you're willing to do it again✧\(>o<)ノ✧
I want to be able to post something nice here. I'd like to hear something nice, if possible. I'm a bit tired of my own head.
I'll fill in for you and post something nice, hopefully this'll be okay~

it's been really nice seeing you around again. even if some days aren't as good as others, just your presence is calming and happy! your existence makes a lot of people glad, especially me. today is basically over, but hopefully tomorrow will be better! you've had it rough lately but everyone is behind you!! もっといい命のために。。。頑張ろうね!

what kind of music have you been listening to lately? i enjoyed your streaming music yesterday :)
 

Blanc

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Kinda sad my whole entire existence been a waste
Ah, nevermind, it's not the end of the world.
Oh, wait-
ᴰᵉᵃʳ ᴰᶤᵃʳʸ ᵇʸ ᴮʳᶤᶰᵍ ᵐᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᴴᵒʳᶤᶻᵒᶰ
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Whaaaaa!! I'm really sorry this station has been pretty quiet!! I have good excuses, I promise. Unfortunately they're just more medical ones. Still adjusting to new medications, and I know this one might seem like kind of a bombshell, but come October I am going to ask my new psychiatrist about a schizophrenia screening. I'm going to give it some time before I decide on this, because it could be general exhaustion and poor health playing tricks on me, so I'm going to try and get better about that before I do, but I have been struggling with seeing things out of my peripherals...a bit more common than I'd like. I don't have any auditory hallucinations, but I'm having some visual ones again. It's probably stress, I had these before when I was driving once and it was pretty spooky. LOL. So we'll see about that.

ANYWAY! With the boring stuff out of the way... I'll try to gloss over what kept me. My parents and I had a huge fight. Like I genuinely thought I was going to get disowned bad LOL. My dad has a history of anger issues, and during his visit as I mentioned in my above post, he was... not on his best behavior. I learned this is because he stopped taking his medication that supplements his anger issues, and thus he was reminding me a lot of the way he treated me as a teen, and I was relapsing. His anger issues got the best of him again last week over the phone, yelling and calling me awful names over something trivial. I put my foot down and I told him (this is not word for word, I'm sanitizing it for the sake of the blog) "You're making me feel those dark thoughts I did when I was a teen, and I don't think I want to call you guys anymore. Ever." And I hung up. I kinda regret doing that, even if I stood up for myself, because my mom didn't deserve to hear that. She's always been a bystander when this happens, and I'm sure I hurt her.

I was fucking miserable, I can't even lie. For a few days, I started wandering the streets at like 3 AM. It was peaceful, but I know why I was doing it, and it wasn't a good reason. Depression apathy kinda does that. I was relapsing hard.

Well I stuck to it and didn't call them, but they called me back after a couple days so I answered. It was awkward at first, I could tell they didn't know how to treat me. My parents don't really understand mental health, and it scares them. I felt like I was being treated like an alien, which wasn't much better, but my dad had calmed down a little... I assume because my mother must have said something to him. Things are leveling out now, and I already received medical bills for my new psychiatrist, which I guess is good and bad. LOL They're so expensive...AND I'm going to get a therapist come October too...

Lots of expenses... Stares into the abyss LOL.
I complain, but these are good things. I can only apologize that I am slow to get back on my feet. Please forgive me, I'm pretty bad at taking care of myself. I spoiled myself a little by buying some doujin and that Chandelure hairpin the Pokemon Center in Japan released! But due to my medical bills... I don't think I'll splurge like that again any time soon LOOOL. It's okay though. I'm really good at restraining myself from buying much.

Good things will come, I just need to bide my time. I'm taking things slow.
In sweeter news!! I was looking through some of my older Pokemon games, and found my old competitive team in my Pokemon Y, including my 6IV Chandelure and Eelektross, named Nobori and Kudari (Ingo and Emmet's JP names) respectively. They've been sitting in that cartridge since... 2014. LOL. I was talking to Lisia (@takoyaki) about it and how long all my old friends I poured my heart and soul into training had been in there. I remember spending every summer of my schooling working on my Pokemon in any game that was new at the time. And... an epiphany came to me. I loved these Pokemon, obviously, I poured an insane amount of time into IV breeding them, training them, and using them competitively to show off their prowess, and they were named after my favorite characters! These were the stars of my team! And I had left them so long... they were relics of my past self. Of the younger me that was in the darkest corners of her mind every day, before I had therapy or medication.

Pokemon was my outlet from all that, back then. And as I got older and got better, I moved on from needing that outlet.
My epiphany was to give these two Pokemon to Lisia, because well... it felt right. Lisia is the age I was when I was at my lowest, and she is living so strongly, so brightly every day. And those two have been with me so long, well, I figured it was time they moved on to a trainer that would continue to care for them like I did at her age. I know it sounds kind of silly when I put it into words because at the end of the day these are just little virtual creatures, but that's the magic of Pokemon, right? They're creatures we pour time into, and they're almost like little containers of memories of our past selves, like I am older now, but when I looked at these two I could only see my younger self, because they belonged to her not me. I'm a far different person now.

Well, except my love for two train conductors LOL.

So! I gave them to Lisia right there. It felt... really... really nice. I don't know, I was smiling the whole time LOL. I actually felt a similar feeling to this before, but I'm going to get into that in an entirely new blogpost later, because it's a pretty elaborate story and if I put it in this one it would be the Wall of All Time. I can shortly put it though, that it felt like I was finally letting a painful part of my past rest. That these Pokemon of mine were finally being separated from the pain that created them. I can rest easy knowing Lisia is out there giving them a good life! LOL
But, I'll get more into it later, for real.

Uhm! I saw beautiful fireworks on the 4th over the lake by my house! I sat on the dock and ate ice cream, there were fireworks everywhere... It was bliss. I think what would have made it better was not being alone to enjoy it, but it was peaceful by myself too. I'm also currently going to work on getting Geyser to work on my minecraft server so I can get some bulba friends the ability to play on it! I think it would be lots of fun!
I've been drawing a TON recently, like working on stuff to actually finish and post! Hence my silence too, I've been hunkered down in my art hole and I browse the forums whenever I have free time. This Subway Master is working her hardest, yup! I know it doesn't seem like it because I'm so weak... but I promise I'm doing my best! The twins also came home in Pokemon Masters!! I'm super happy about that. It's the little things, right?

Sorry all this stuff sounds kind of silly...
But I'm trying, I'm really trying!! Please stay with me as I move forward!!
it's been really nice seeing you around again. even if some days aren't as good as others, just your presence is calming and happy! your existence makes a lot of people glad, especially me. today is basically over, but hopefully tomorrow will be better! you've had it rough lately but everyone is behind you!! もっといい命のために。。。頑張ろうね!
I kept going back to read this to feel better, and the more I talk to everyone the more true it feels... I'm still in disbelief, and I think I will be for a long time... I keep thinking "why is everyone so nice to me?" LOL! I just don't understand it! My heart is going to become soup... There's not enough ways to say thank you...I'll explode. I'm not strong but I want to be there for everyone too!!
what kind of music have you been listening to lately? i enjoyed your streaming music yesterday :)
I have currently been listening to a LOT of ATOLS' works and Ashbury Heights. ATOLS music is... extremely hard to describe, LOL, but the two I'm really into right now are KARMA and Emblem. They give me some kind of feeling I just can't comprehend but it's like a whole PV plays in my head!! I have to draw it!!
Ashbury Heights just keeps me so motivated. I was listening to Christ and Masque by them and got a lot of ideas! Also just general Ghost in the Shell osts. All good stuff. Music really keeps me inspired. LOL It's like... I listen and art I know I want to draw just pops in my head.
 

Blanc

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Updates soonsoonsooonsoon

doctor's appointment tomorrowwww
 
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