A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

[CuboneKing]

I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much right now, friend. It speaks very much to your strength and bravery that you’re seeking the help you need. I’m rooting for you, I know for a fact you can get through this. You’re a wonderful person and deserve far more from this life. We’ll be here waiting for you whenever you’re ready, and don’t worry about if you’re acting less excitable. Be authentic to yourself, that’s more than enough. Feel free to drop me a message if the opportunity and need ever arises. I hope you feel better soon. You got this.

 

[Blanc]

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SLOW SPEED AHEAD !
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Hiya, I'm going to atttteeempt keeping from writing a wall again, but I make no promises... I'm sorry! First of all, I wanted to come back from my break sooner, but real life got pretty busy, I haven't had a lot of time to sit down between the chores I have for the next couple weeks. I'm a bit better, slowly coming out of the rut. I'm sorry if I kept you waiting! To make things short, I ended up taking a break from online contact-- still 'sort of' am as of this moment, I haven't told some friends I'm back yet mostly because I've been rather preoccupied with errands lately (and have some more tomorrow...) but I'll do my best to show my face around the forums again. As for getting the help I need-- I have returned with some good news! I was referred to a psychiatrist and received a proper diagnosis for some of my current conditions. My doctor also mentioned getting in touch with a therapist for me once the psychiatrist is contacted... so things are falling into place! Hopefully. The only downside to this is the fact I'm going to be placed on another medication to stabilize me until then, and I'm not really a fan of how many pills I'm on... I've actually been getting used to some others he gave me that make me INCREDIBLY delirious, seriously it makes it really hard to feed the cats and dogs in the morning because I'm fumbling around like I'm drunk... LOL... If I don't get used to it I'll just stop taking it, which is fine. I have another medication that supplements it, so it won't be like I'm without, if that makes sense.

The past week was a bit stressful though, my parents came to visit and didn't do much to ease my mind (my dad is rather uppity) and the state of my country right now is... not great for me. Just kind of trying to ignore it... and focusing on doing my very best. I want to think I'm doing my very best, but I feel like I'm making a lot of mistakes lately! I accidentally broke the back door in my dizzy stupor yesterday morning by messing with its old lock... Hopefully my aunt won't be mad at me, I am taking care of the house by myself after all. I also dropped from my raid team, which has helped getting reacclimated to things less stressful, I'm kind of sad because I wanted to finish the raid tier...but, it had to be done.

At any rate, thank you guys for being so patient with me... I've been taking things slowly, and thankfully everyone I know has been really considerate of that, I'm thankful. I'm really fortunate to have such loving and kind people in my life now. Maybe this is my due payment for everything that happened when I was growing up, LOL.

I have bulbagarden to thank for making my life a little brighter. I hope I can show you guys some more art soon! I want to type a lot more, but I have to wrap this up before I head to bed.

@takoyaki thank you for always looking out for me. I can't put it all into words, and even the long message I sent you in my gratitude doesn't feel like enough to equate what your friendship means to me. I want to become a stronger 'big sis' to be there for you too!

I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much right now, friend. It speaks very much to your strength and bravery that you’re seeking the help you need. I’m rooting for you, I know for a fact you can get through this. You’re a wonderful person and deserve far more from this life. We’ll be here waiting for you whenever you’re ready, and don’t worry about if you’re acting less excitable. Be authentic to yourself, that’s more than enough. Feel free to drop me a message if the opportunity and need ever arises. I hope you feel better soon. You got this.

Thank you Cubone... it wasn't easy! LOL.. A lot of discussions with my doctor and a little paperwork and tests on my state of being and all that. Between that and my chores it got pretty exhausting, but I'm happy I finally have some help to look forward to. I missed you a lot, and quite a handful of others here, it really pained me to be away, but I was in such a state where breaking down was like... the only foreseeable option, and I did NOT want anyone to have the misfortune of witnessing that, especially people I care about. I was thinking about you today, which is why I wanted to sit down and pull back into station! I can't wait to catch up on your compositions, and I can't wait to share more art. I'm still advancing slowly, trudging through my mess as delicately as I can... but hopefully talking here can start becoming a lot more fun! I'm nervous about the referral, but I'm hopeful it will only go well, my doctor is nice.

It's hard to feel like I deserve nice things, but the energy of bulbagarden is...astounding. I've met some insanely kind people, including you. I can't put how it feels into words. I hope one day I can repay that kindness in full.

With that said, I want to catch up with everyone!! So I want to start focusing on just getting through each day together. It's nice to chat here again! I'll do my best to heal.

 

[lisianthus]

stopping by to say helllooooooooooo!!!!! I'm glad that I'm seeing you more....! ちゃんと返事を書くかも！I'm excited to see more of your art soon if you're up to putting it out sometime! and if not that's okay too!!

 

[Blanc]

stopping by to say helllooooooooooo!!!!! I'm glad that I'm seeing you more....! ちゃんと返事を書くかも！I'm excited to see more of your art soon if you're up to putting it out sometime! and if not that's okay too!!

I always love hearing from you, Lisia! I've got a lot of wips on the table and I'm doing my best. Maybe I'll start streaming it more often? I'll see.


I want to be able to post something nice here. I'd like to hear something nice, if possible. I'm a bit tired of my own head.

 

[lisianthus]

I always love hearing from you, Lisia! I've got a lot of wips on the table and I'm doing my best. Maybe I'll start streaming it more often? I'll see.

Watching you stream your art was a ton of fun and honestly kinda what I needed!! It was so amazing and I'd totally watch again if you're willing to do it again✧\(>o<)ﾉ✧

I want to be able to post something nice here. I'd like to hear something nice, if possible. I'm a bit tired of my own head.

I'll fill in for you and post something nice, hopefully this'll be okay~

it's been really nice seeing you around again. even if some days aren't as good as others, just your presence is calming and happy! your existence makes a lot of people glad, especially me. today is basically over, but hopefully tomorrow will be better! you've had it rough lately but everyone is behind you!! もっといい命のために。。。頑張ろうね!

what kind of music have you been listening to lately? i enjoyed your streaming music yesterday :)

 

[Blanc]

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Kinda sad my whole entire existence been a waste
Ah, nevermind, it's not the end of the world.
Oh, wait-
ᴰᵉᵃʳ ᴰᶤᵃʳʸ ᵇʸ ᴮʳᶤᶰᵍ ᵐᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᴴᵒʳᶤᶻᵒᶰ
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Whaaaaa!! I'm really sorry this station has been pretty quiet!! I have good excuses, I promise. Unfortunately they're just more medical ones. Still adjusting to new medications, and I know this one might seem like kind of a bombshell, but come October I am going to ask my new psychiatrist about a schizophrenia screening. I'm going to give it some time before I decide on this, because it could be general exhaustion and poor health playing tricks on me, so I'm going to try and get better about that before I do, but I have been struggling with seeing things out of my peripherals...a bit more common than I'd like. I don't have any auditory hallucinations, but I'm having some visual ones again. It's probably stress, I had these before when I was driving once and it was pretty spooky. LOL. So we'll see about that.

ANYWAY! With the boring stuff out of the way... I'll try to gloss over what kept me. My parents and I had a huge fight. Like I genuinely thought I was going to get disowned bad LOL. My dad has a history of anger issues, and during his visit as I mentioned in my above post, he was... not on his best behavior. I learned this is because he stopped taking his medication that supplements his anger issues, and thus he was reminding me a lot of the way he treated me as a teen, and I was relapsing. His anger issues got the best of him again last week over the phone, yelling and calling me awful names over something trivial. I put my foot down and I told him (this is not word for word, I'm sanitizing it for the sake of the blog) "You're making me feel those dark thoughts I did when I was a teen, and I don't think I want to call you guys anymore. Ever." And I hung up. I kinda regret doing that, even if I stood up for myself, because my mom didn't deserve to hear that. She's always been a bystander when this happens, and I'm sure I hurt her.

I was fucking miserable, I can't even lie. For a few days, I started wandering the streets at like 3 AM. It was peaceful, but I know why I was doing it, and it wasn't a good reason. Depression apathy kinda does that. I was relapsing hard.

Well I stuck to it and didn't call them, but they called me back after a couple days so I answered. It was awkward at first, I could tell they didn't know how to treat me. My parents don't really understand mental health, and it scares them. I felt like I was being treated like an alien, which wasn't much better, but my dad had calmed down a little... I assume because my mother must have said something to him. Things are leveling out now, and I already received medical bills for my new psychiatrist, which I guess is good and bad. LOL They're so expensive...AND I'm going to get a therapist come October too...

Lots of expenses... Stares into the abyss LOL.
I complain, but these are good things. I can only apologize that I am slow to get back on my feet. Please forgive me, I'm pretty bad at taking care of myself. I spoiled myself a little by buying some doujin and that Chandelure hairpin the Pokemon Center in Japan released! But due to my medical bills... I don't think I'll splurge like that again any time soon LOOOL. It's okay though. I'm really good at restraining myself from buying much.

Good things will come, I just need to bide my time. I'm taking things slow.
In sweeter news!! I was looking through some of my older Pokemon games, and found my old competitive team in my Pokemon Y, including my 6IV Chandelure and Eelektross, named Nobori and Kudari (Ingo and Emmet's JP names) respectively. They've been sitting in that cartridge since... 2014. LOL. I was talking to Lisia (@takoyaki) about it and how long all my old friends I poured my heart and soul into training had been in there. I remember spending every summer of my schooling working on my Pokemon in any game that was new at the time. And... an epiphany came to me. I loved these Pokemon, obviously, I poured an insane amount of time into IV breeding them, training them, and using them competitively to show off their prowess, and they were named after my favorite characters! These were the stars of my team! And I had left them so long... they were relics of my past self. Of the younger me that was in the darkest corners of her mind every day, before I had therapy or medication.

Pokemon was my outlet from all that, back then. And as I got older and got better, I moved on from needing that outlet.
My epiphany was to give these two Pokemon to Lisia, because well... it felt right. Lisia is the age I was when I was at my lowest, and she is living so strongly, so brightly every day. And those two have been with me so long, well, I figured it was time they moved on to a trainer that would continue to care for them like I did at her age. I know it sounds kind of silly when I put it into words because at the end of the day these are just little virtual creatures, but that's the magic of Pokemon, right? They're creatures we pour time into, and they're almost like little containers of memories of our past selves, like I am older now, but when I looked at these two I could only see my younger self, because they belonged to her not me. I'm a far different person now.

Well, except my love for two train conductors LOL.

So! I gave them to Lisia right there. It felt... really... really nice. I don't know, I was smiling the whole time LOL. I actually felt a similar feeling to this before, but I'm going to get into that in an entirely new blogpost later, because it's a pretty elaborate story and if I put it in this one it would be the Wall of All Time. I can shortly put it though, that it felt like I was finally letting a painful part of my past rest. That these Pokemon of mine were finally being separated from the pain that created them. I can rest easy knowing Lisia is out there giving them a good life! LOL
But, I'll get more into it later, for real.

Uhm! I saw beautiful fireworks on the 4th over the lake by my house! I sat on the dock and ate ice cream, there were fireworks everywhere... It was bliss. I think what would have made it better was not being alone to enjoy it, but it was peaceful by myself too. I'm also currently going to work on getting Geyser to work on my minecraft server so I can get some bulba friends the ability to play on it! I think it would be lots of fun!
I've been drawing a TON recently, like working on stuff to actually finish and post! Hence my silence too, I've been hunkered down in my art hole and I browse the forums whenever I have free time. This Subway Master is working her hardest, yup! I know it doesn't seem like it because I'm so weak... but I promise I'm doing my best! The twins also came home in Pokemon Masters!! I'm super happy about that. It's the little things, right?

Sorry all this stuff sounds kind of silly...
But I'm trying, I'm really trying!! Please stay with me as I move forward!!

it's been really nice seeing you around again. even if some days aren't as good as others, just your presence is calming and happy! your existence makes a lot of people glad, especially me. today is basically over, but hopefully tomorrow will be better! you've had it rough lately but everyone is behind you!! もっといい命のために。。。頑張ろうね!

I kept going back to read this to feel better, and the more I talk to everyone the more true it feels... I'm still in disbelief, and I think I will be for a long time... I keep thinking "why is everyone so nice to me?" LOL! I just don't understand it! My heart is going to become soup... There's not enough ways to say thank you...I'll explode. I'm not strong but I want to be there for everyone too!!

what kind of music have you been listening to lately? i enjoyed your streaming music yesterday

I have currently been listening to a LOT of ATOLS' works and Ashbury Heights. ATOLS music is... extremely hard to describe, LOL, but the two I'm really into right now are KARMA and Emblem. They give me some kind of feeling I just can't comprehend but it's like a whole PV plays in my head!! I have to draw it!!
Ashbury Heights just keeps me so motivated. I was listening to Christ and Masque by them and got a lot of ideas! Also just general Ghost in the Shell osts. All good stuff. Music really keeps me inspired. LOL It's like... I listen and art I know I want to draw just pops in my head.

 

[Blanc]

Updates soonsoonsooonsoon

doctor's appointment tomorrowwww

 

[lisianthus]

ganbattene!!!!

 

[Blanc]

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I really don’t know! I just don’t know!
I’m feeling overwhelmed from the same sight.
The moment I start looking for an answer,
I’d somehow get anxious.
Am I wrong? I don’t know! I just don’t know!
I’d start giving up on expecting anything…
How dull! Let’s talk about something
more fun, then.
ˢʸᶰᶜʰʳᵒᶰᶤᶻᵉʳ ᵇʸ ᴼʳᵃᶰᵍᵉˢᵗᵃʳ
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I was trying to get the nerve to make an audio entry for this post cause I was feeling laaaaazy, LOL, I must confess, but I just felt a little shy this time! Sorry. It seems like another summer is passing us by, huh? I'm also sorry if my posts seemed to be getting farther and farther in between each other... There are some old stories I really want to cover here, so it isn't like I'm running out of anything to tell you guys, I guess it's just becoming harder to find the time to sit down and do it! As I mentioned before, I've been focusing a lot of my time on my art, and started doing some chill drawing sessions with @Orchid while listening to some tunes, and Lisia @takoyaki sits with us! It's very cozy, and drawing with friends always keeps me more motivated... even if my ideas are really... all over the place LOL. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in topics I get distracted from drawing! Buuut I'd still say it's worth it. Hehe.
I don't think I properly mentioned it here, but I finally am back in therapy! I've only had two sessions thus far, but I really like my new therapist. She looks only a little older than me (I haven't asked her age), and she likes anime and drawing too! It's really surprising! But I haven't been in therapy since 2017 so... I'm still a bit shy and nervous. It feels easier than last time because I have a grasp of what's wrong with me, but also scarier? Either way, I've been attempting to be kinder to myself, taking things one step at a time and forever thankful for everyone's patience. My aunt suggested I start taking walks in the morning, and I want to start doing that soon too. I've been trying to be more diligent in taking my medications and getting control of my mania and sleep schedule... So... I hope it's clear how much I'm trying my best maybe! I know it's not a lot... but I'm on 4 whole medications and remembering the different times I take them all is really a hassle... Can you believe I slept like 18 hours?! Sleep debt is real guys LOL.

While I'm doing my best to improve my health and well-being, my living situation may change soon, given my grandmother is in the hospital and to make an extremely long story short, we are not hopeful for the future. Her condition hasn't hit me yet, so I'm fine for now. We won't get the results until Tuesday, and then we'll be able to decide what we do from there...

To be honest, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed, because my life has improved, but my trauma habits are holding me back. I apologize if I seem like a difficult person because of this. I have a lot of quirks that make me flighty or timid or scared of things that aren't really there. I fear as my life improves my fears will spring up more often as my mental state isn't used to this new quality of life, if that makes sense. To put it into an analogy, it's like... I've been eating rocks and dirt my entire life, and I finally have actual food, but because my body isn't used to real food I keep throwing it up even if it's better for me. It's like that. I'm really thankful for what I have, I hope I'm allowed to feel this way. I can't help but feel apprehensive it'll all tumble down somehow, because my life has always been like that. LOL. There's more I want to write, buuuut, I want to see if my aunt will walk with me this morning, so I want to go do that while I have the time.

I know I tend to present myself as some internet funny girl and tremendously charismatic, but truth be told I'm a timid soul, and I often second guess myself, or if my emotions are getting through properly. I'm a crybaby whose never had anything, and is scared of losing everything. I hope you can continue to take your time being with me. Thank you everyone.

I think it might be okay to say the train is moving, a teeny tiny bit.

 

[lisianthus]

少しずつ :) i wish you luck!! and i will sendyoupositvityyyyy!!

(it's been very fun hanging out with you oneesan!)

 

[Blanc]

hey, why do you keep fighting, huh?

 

[lisianthus]

you fight for the hope that things will be better. even if it's impossible to envision now, your future will be so much brighter than now--when you're already shining so much. you're so much to me and to others.

 

[Mal]

You fight because giving up isn't you. In spite of how much it sucks to fight, it sucks far more to be defeated.
You've got this. Take as much time as you need to get a clear head; we're understanding and want the best for you, friend.

 

[Blanc]

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I'm so sick of feeling bad,
make it easy to regret.
I'm so sick of "good" and "bad",
it's so easy to forget.
If I think about it now,
I was broken from the start.
"ᴮᵃᵈ ᴬᵖᵖˡᵉᵎᵎ ᶠᵉᵃᵗˑᶰᵒᵐᶤᶜᵒ ⁽ᴺᵃˢᶜᵃ ᴿᵉᵐᶤˣ⁾ ᵇʸ ᴱᵃˢᵗᶰᵉʷˢᵒᵘᶰᵈ
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Long time no blog post, feels weird to say "I was busy" because that doesn't feel exactly true? I guess it depends on your definition. My sleep has been erratic again for the most part, so I've just been sleeping a lot. Like. A lot a lot. Trying to get ahold of myself in some shape or form lately, so I've been kinda slow everywhere... Not just here! I have my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow and some other meetings, so I guess in that way I've been busy, but idk... it feels like when I'm not running errands irl I'm taking time for myself, and maybe that's what I need but...

Recovery sure is a slow process, huh? I'm just glad all my friends are patient with how ethereal my existence tends to be, like above LOL. But I guess I've just always been that way too, "disappearing" and "appearing" at will, it's like this weird way of fulfilling how much I just want to be a concept rather than a person... LOL but anyways...

It's already October, and I can safely say I think I spent most of this year falling down a hill, so maybe I can spend the rest of it climbing back up... or at least start doing that next year.

I want to become a little less scared of the world, so let's work on that.

On a more fun topic, it's Halloween month, so you know what that means... literally the WORST time for my wallet, all the goth fashion and aesthetic decorations are out in full swing and it's taking every ounce of my energy not to impulse buy. I've recently started decorating my bathroom to be more gothic and it's slowly coming together! I have enough "vampire blood" soap bottles to last a year or so LOL... I also bought this raven in a globe that has little bats that circle around it when you turn it on, it's verrrry cute. I don't go out very often, but when I do lately I've been kind of spoiling myself and I should really stop doing that... Maybe if I open commissions again though...
I'm a little anxious, and don't quite feel like putting my thoughts together, so I'll talk about something else, something I mentioned wanting to talk about in an earlier entry!

What Pokemon means to me, and how I got into it!
I mean, it's not a new topic, right? LOL. Everyone has their own story about why Pokemon is important to them, and for most everyone it banks off of our childhood nostalgia-- which is pretty much the same for me. I don't have the clearest memory, but I think I was about 6 or turning 7 years old when I first got a real interest in the series. My first exposure was watching the anime every morning before school started. The passage of time escapes me, but this was around the Hoenn arc and before D/P started airing for sure... But I could be wrong on which, I don't really follow the anime anymore. I had a Gameboy (SP) but I played some really random games, like a Disney princess platformer and some other off the wall RPGs, and I only learned Pokemon had video games when I saw my older sister playing Pokemon Emerald.
I really, REALLY wanted to try it, and I begged her to let me borrow it and she never let me-- even after she stopped playing it entirely. Now that I think about it, next time I visit home I'm going to look for it, even though I have my own copy of Emerald now. LOL

Even before I started playing Pokemon though, I would collect what I could of the TCG and trade with a few kids in the schoolyard. I even started to draw (awfully) Pokemon cards and give them to other kids, they always thought my art was cool, even at that age. LMAO

Anyways.
I put this desire to play Pokemon on the backburner till about Christmas of 2006, and my parents must have caught wind of me begging for my sister's copy of Emerald, because under the tree were copies of Diamond and Pearl just for me! I was super excited and started playing literally the day after Christmas, I popped Diamond in first because blue was my favorite color at the time. My first starter ever was a female Piplup, and because of this it took me quite a while into my Pokemon career to learn female starters were rare LMAO.

But before I continue, let's switch tracks a bit so I can explain a few things.
I grew up in the "Bible belt" of the US, for those less familiar with this, it's the chain of states in the southeast that tend to have deeply religious areas. I no longer live there, but looking back, growing up in this kind of rural area really affected my childhood. It was a little nothing town, very quiet and peaceful with many buildings lost to time. My hometown in particular was known for our locomotive industry, and it pretty much put us on the map if at all. I had to hear train horns every day and night, chugging along... LOL. Kind of ironic now, huh? The only other landmarks of note between grassy fields and train tracks were the churches on every corner.
With as small a town this was, everyone kinda knew everyone, and the most common hobbies were either hunting in the forest or playing sports in some way-- oh, and if you didn't go to church, you would be ostracized from the other kids on the playground. It was pretty common for literal 7 year olds to accuse each other of "going to hell" for not going to church or being weird in some way, fucked up, right? LOL
I never fit in, I was a "gamer" (LMAO, sorry, lack of better word) and pretty much probably one of the only kids in the schoolyard to even OWN a gameboy and gamecube. There were two or three other boys I became friends with because of this, and at a young age I almost never got along with girls, all my friends were boys.
But this friendship was pretty short lived, those boys stopped hanging out with me because I was a girl and it wasn't "cool", I was pretty crushed for a while and well, I didn't really make any other friends. I didn't fit in anywhere. I think the benefit to this happening at least is I'm very comfortable being alone, I never mind being by myself, even if I feel my introversion is a bit extreme, but as a kid, I didn't really take this well, it was hard for me to get over. My older sister never really liked me since I was born, she only ever tolerated my existence and I am certain of this whole heartedly-- so she never hung out with me either, ESPECIALLY when I got waaay better at video games than her (she hated losing).
And this bundled up loneliness, this feeling of not fitting in with anyone, this feeling of not being understood and the early vestiges of depression forming thanks to my bad home situation and lonely school life...

That copy of Diamond, and every Pokemon game that followed it, became a coping mechanism.

Sounds pathetic when I put it into words, but I treated those little virtual creatures as my real friends, and I would draw countless pictures of my Pokemon and Pokemon I liked. I'd spend evenings after school going through my worn guidebook and plotting what Pokemon I was gonna catch next. I was alone, but I was a Pokemon champion! I caught cool legendaries and I trained my beloved 'mons and that was really what got me through those tough feelings. I remember stressing to my dad how important it was I got every single game the moment of release after that, literally jumping on preordering Platinum. I went to all those Gamestop distributions I could muster the courage to ask for and would not stop playing any of the mainline games until I completed them. Pokemon pretty much was the driving force for how I got into art, even if my style began to be influenced by other anime I watched as a kid and media I indulged in. After this I pretty much dug deep, REAAAAL deep into anime and manga in general and branched into more and more games becoming a nerdy "living on the internet" preteen because my real life had no escape for me. My teenage years too were spent with a drawing tablet in one hand and my DS-- and then 3DS in the other training Pokemon. My "Pokemon era" seemed to slow down around the release of Ultra Sun and Moon, which just so happened to be the same year I graduated highschool and prepared to move states for university. I think there's a correlation here, because Pokemon had been treated as my "Safe space" it was a way I coped with horrible feelings for a lot of my growth, and when I moved to a better environment and away from school... I just kinda... didn't need that safety blanket anymore. Of course, that's not to say that that's all Pokemon was to me, I still loved the series in general but I just started to move on to other things, and I got actual friends again and just didn't really have as much of a need to escape the world and time sink into the games as before, even my art began to drift to other content. After USUM, I guess you could say I finally retired as a Pokemon trainer traveling the world and took up my post as a "Subway Master" in Unova just taking what challenges came my way and content with that, LOL.

While obviously I'm back into Pokemon in general after the release of PLA, I genuinely don't think it's possible for me to be as hardcore about it as I used to be, trust me, I'm content as a Subway Master, I'm content where I am, and I'm going to stay pretty content enjoying the series a bit more casually than before! It's still fun to revisit my games I haven't touched in years and look at all the memories within them...

I really should trade up my Mons to Home one of these days, LMFAO. Pokemon Mystery dungeon isn't excluded, I was deeep, DEEEP into that series too, I wrote a lot of (embarrassing) PMD fanfics when I was like 13, LOL.
I'm rambling now, but you get the idea, I loved Pokemon and was knee-deep in Submas when Black and White came out...and now I'm back into Pokemon again because of it.

Life goes full circle, I guess, LOL.

To be honest, I think it's really nice to look at Pokemon now with a fresh perspective, a healthier perspective than I had as a child, and being able to play the games without hiding under my covers and using that screen staring back at me as an escape from all the yelling and awful words in the real world. So yeah, I overcame that hurdle, life finds a way and all that. Those Pokemon, those precious Pokemon were like little time capsules of memories of a harder time, and they served their purpose, now I can appreciate them for being more than an outlet.

I think that's pretty cool.

 

[InfiniteBakuphoon]

First post here after lurking around for so long, hi!

I think that’s pretty cool, too. Congratulations on coming “full circle” with Pokémon and “reclaiming” it, as it were, from those not-so-pleasant parts of your childhood. That must be such a liberating feeling that I can’t even begin to imagine. May it continue to bring peace and joy to your life, no matter what good or bad or anything in-between comes your way.

And yes, recovery can indeed be one hell of a slow process, haha. Almost to the point where we might wonder if anything is even really changing for the better at all. But even the smallest step in the right direction is something precious, I think. Sometimes we really need to be kinder to ourselves with each step, and not punish ourselves for not always meeting the often ridiculously high standards that we tend to place on ourselves (even as the world often contributes greatly to that pressure). Easier said than done? Of course. But it never ceases to amaze me how cathartic even simple words can be. Hence why I’m here…

…you know, I really don’t know why I get nervous about writing posts like this, even with that knowledge of how even a few simple words can (hopefully) change everything for another person, at least for a little while. But also with that knowledge, there’s just as often enough courage for me to go for broke and just spill everything out in the hope of achieving some kind of goodness. It’s a weird contradiction of behaviors there, really. Anxiety can be funny like that… enough about me on your blog here, though, haha. While we’d of course hate to be a emotional crutch for you in a similar way that Pokémon seemed to be for you back then, do know that there’ll always be a shoulder for you to lean on here at Bulbagarden, if and when that need should ever arise. You’re not alone, and you’ll never be alone.

Thanks for being here!

 

[Blanc]

First post here after lurking around for so long, hi!

I think that’s pretty cool, too. Congratulations on coming “full circle” with Pokémon and “reclaiming” it, as it were, from those not-so-pleasant parts of your childhood. That must be such a liberating feeling that I can’t even begin to imagine. May it continue to bring peace and joy to your life, no matter what good or bad or anything in-between comes your way.

Hi Bakuphoon, welcome aboard my train!! First of all, sorry it took me a hot second to reply to this, whenever I'm answering something that makes me feel mushy I always want to sit and find the right words to express how grateful I am... Your reply was really, really sweet and I wanted to get my feelings across properly!

Yeah, it sounds really cheesy when I think about it out loud, but... I dunno, I just remember when I got back into Pokemon feeling this sense of... catharsis? Relief? Something like that, like it finally returned home or something, or I returned home, in a new stronger light. I know this series is important to all of us in our own special ways, so I guess this was just mine, haha. Thank you!! I want to revisit my old save files for nostalgia's sake and walk through memory lane when I have the time later.

And yes, recovery can indeed be one hell of a slow process, haha. Almost to the point where we might wonder if anything is even really changing for the better at all. But even the smallest step in the right direction is something precious, I think. Sometimes we really need to be kinder to ourselves with each step, and not punish ourselves for not always meeting the often ridiculously high standards that we tend to place on ourselves (even as the world often contributes greatly to that pressure). Easier said than done? Of course. But it never ceases to amaze me how cathartic even simple words can be. Hence why I’m here…

You are so absolutely right, and that idea hits pretty close to home, LOL... I was actually just talking to my therapist not even an hour ago about how I have lived nearly my entire life for others, meeting expectations that kept getting higher and higher and eventually became my own, destroying any sense of gratification or 'deserving' I've had. It's an insanely slow process! I think only just last year did my trauma from age 16 actually start to hit like, some sort of extremely delayed response or something. I think it's like... back then, I was so focused on self preservation, my mind was just in survival mode, I was going through the motions like a machine. Now that those years have passed my psyche has finally registered that that time is over, that I can live and not just survive... and the backlash of that is that all of that trauma is hitting me at once and forming into some new mental health problems... But at least I'm finally on the road to recovery, I like to think.

…you know, I really don’t know why I get nervous about writing posts like this, even with that knowledge of how even a few simple words can (hopefully) change everything for another person, at least for a little while. But also with that knowledge, there’s just as often enough courage for me to go for broke and just spill everything out in the hope of achieving some kind of goodness. It’s a weird contradiction of behaviors there, really. Anxiety can be funny like that… enough about me on your blog here, though, haha. While we’d of course hate to be a emotional crutch for you in a similar way that Pokémon seemed to be for you back then, do know that there’ll always be a shoulder for you to lean on here at Bulbagarden, if and when that need should ever arise. You’re not alone, and you’ll never be alone.

Thanks for being here!

Here's the part I had to sit and think of how to word my emotions!!!! I know I already said thank you but I'm gonna say thank you again anyways... Thank you for having the courage to speak with me in this little corner for ourselves. I hope I don't make you anxious!! Everyone I've met here has been insanely welcoming, it's... unfathomable really. You know, I went so much of my life without things like this I keep stopping and asking myself "is it okay? Is it really okay to have this kindness? to live?" I sit and wonder that a lot, I can't help but feel guilty for all I have right now, even if it is due karma for lost time.

I'm prattling, sorry! But thank you, and thank you for being my friend. I know I am not a strong person, and a little shy, but you taking the step here to reach out to me has made me feel like I can do the same! Thank you much more for being here!! Reading your reply brought a smile to my silly face.

 

[Blanc]

...Ah, that brings me to my new thoughts, sorry for prattling again.
I try not to make informal entries on my blog because of my habit of cleanliness and organization, but I have to admit I want to be a little selfish and make informal posts to chat with everyone here more often. Is that okay? Please come say hi!! If possible!!

That being said, I have something important to announce, even in a silly little informal post like this. I'm also sorry if my thoughts come out construed, when I type here, it's like a stream of consciousness, I just type things as they come in my head so they may not make sense on screen. I recently, finally had my visit with my psychiatrist, and while nothing entirely ground breaking has come of it yet, one thing has for me.

I have been diagnosed for PTSD.

Getting diagnoses like this... are a tricky thing. PTSD is something that in cases like mine, can often go unchecked for years because it is something psychiatrists are supposedly pretty careful about diagnosing. This is mostly because really, the only solution for PTSD is therapy, as it is so, so difficult to unravel. I probably had it for a few years without knowing it, as talking to my friends they said I exhibited a lot of telling signs for as long as they've known me.
It's a double edged sword. The good news is, I finally have real proof that I'm not just, well, screwed up inside. That something happened to me that made me this way, this is proof of what I've been through, proof to me that I'm human and not some weird psychosis demon LOL (I'll get into the psychosis diagnosis later). On the down side, I have to acknowledge it now, that this disorder is the mental block that's kept me stationary for so long. It's never easy to cope with.

God... Feels like I'm getting so many disorders now, my past is really catching up with me, LOL.
Anyways, that's all I really wanted to say, because, looking back at my older blog posts, some feelings I had, those mental blocks, they finally make sense. I'm really glad I made this little place, or else I wouldn't have realized it as readily probably.

But new hurdles or not, I'm the same old Blanc.

 

[lisianthus]

And well...the same old Blanc is an amazing thing, I think :)

I've said this before, but in spite of all your hurdles you're really really strong. And being open about all the bad things and bad feelings happening, well, that's really really brave of you too. I might not have much more to say other than well... it'll get better! You know a little more about how your mind is working and hopefully with that, you'll in turn be able to end up functioning and feeling better.

And...well, we already talk! But of course, I love reading your blog posts and well, being a participant is nice too, I think. Longer passages? like this, so to speak, are different from chatting in other ways, but it's honestly really fun like this too, I think. I like it!!

So I will sit down here again! (was I already sitting!?)

And congratule you for everything you've accomplished, and congratulate you for all the amazing things you're going to accomplish in the future!!

Like always, I hope you're doing well. I might not have much to add, but... :)

 

[Blanc]

With Lisia always cheering me on I’m scared I’ll become too powerful!! LOL She always has a way with words…

Sorry I was away for a bit, I was helping a friend of mine run her booth at an anime con, and between 0 sleep prep and being on my feet 8 hours, I was pretty out of it. I’ve been playing with the idea of also making a headcanons blog or a blog I can shove all my hot anime takes… But I’d hate to be juggling too many.

I’ll think on it…

For now, my entry for the halloween one-shot contest is almost done, but I’m a little nervous because it’s not at ALL my usual style… LOL… tried something super different for this… I hope it’s enjoyable at least.

 

[InfiniteBakuphoon]

Some advice from someone who often has waaaaaaay too many ideas in their head for their own good: take your time! Your work won’t be any good if you’re not all good. And at the very least, it certainly won’t feel good if you’re not all good. That’s really the most important thing, I think: not just being satisfied when pulling back and looking at your work, but being emotionally and mentally satisfied, too. I hope that makes sense…