COMPLETE: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works (New Poem: Memories of a Dance)

[AiedailEclipsed]

Kay, so, I've been contemplating posting a thread for my odd little works that I create now, and then. I don't particularly want to create fifty thousand threads for different things, so I'm consolidating any of my existing threads into this one. And to keep things organized, I'm going to keep a handy dandy table of contents right here~

Table of Contents​

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:: Sun and Moon (Poem)
:: A Day from Heaven, a Dream from Hell, and a Memory for Eternity (Personal Narrative)
:: A Day of Freedom (Personal Narrative)
:: Forevermore (Poem)
:: A Broken Heart (Poem)
:: The Road Taken (Poem)
:: Spellbound (Poem)
:: Love (Poem)
:: Flame of Truth (Poem)
:: Memories of a Dance (Poem)

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Sun and Moon

As the blue moon sets,
I feel the sorrow, misery, and chaos ebbing away in the world,
With the rising of the red sun,
I feel happiness, love, and peace rising like a phoenix from the ashes,
As these emotions flooded into my spirit, body and soul they were rent in two,
I felt my heart part my body and shatter,
From the heavens where I saw the scene unfold I could see,
A red rose formed from the love I had harbored within me,
A single red petal fell like a teardrop and turned a pure white,
Our friendship became a yellow rose,
From the yellow rose a petal fell and turned a passionate orange,
The air flowing gently around the roses lifted them up,
The curtains parted and the window lifted on its own will,
The air carried them away into the night,
Towards on balcony on which a girl stood solemn,
They reached her and caressed her skin,
Looking up towards me a tear streamed down her face,
Falling down through eternity it reached the cold marble of the banister,
There a soft purple shape took the form of a rose,
Suddenly within my soul I felt at ease,
For within that rose resided her love of me,
As the blue moon sets and a red sun rises.​

Yes, I realize that I posted this awhile back, but as I said, I'd like to consolidate, and I'm posting the old stuff first. So, any opinions? ^-^

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Hm. Now that I think about it, that poem was bad. It was really just a paragraph on

XP I think I'll do a redux, later on. Anywho, next we have an old personal narrative that I wrote two years ago, I think?

A Day from Heaven, a Dream from Hell, and a Memory for Eternity​

That day was like another day on our Westward vacation, I had woken up to the arctic tundra called a room; as my dad liked things cold, he kept the room as such, but I was fortunate enough to have considerably warm covers. Even then I had never thought about what that day could hold other than the dreary rock formations of our first park of the day; Capitol Reef Nation Park. Resigning myself to the day ahead, I pulled back my innumerable blankets and greeted the day and the cold.

I, for lack of a better word, sprinted to my bag in the corner of the room, and grabbed a set of clothes and ran to the bathroom and the safety of a heater. I quickly twisted the knob on the wall to turn the heater on full steam. I just sat down for a moment observing the features of the rather uninteresting room; some floral wallpaper, a waste bin with a picturesque snowy mountain scene on it. After a few moments, the bathroom seemed to warm up considerably, so I decided I had best get through of my morning rituals before my mom or dad got up and wanted the bathroom.

********************************************************

After driving for some considerable amount of time, I asked where we were. My dad responded with a hollow reply of “We’re almost to Capitol Reef.” I though ahead to all of what this park could contain. A rock here, a bush here, the usual probably, boy was I wrong…

We drove for a bit more until we came to the welcome entrance to the park. We of course had to get out to go get a guide book and take some pictures, all usual especially with my mom who had to take a picture for everything. I looked around the small wildlife exhibits within the museum-like complex, it was all very fascinating. Each exhibit held a small ecosystem like diorama with several beautiful animals: coyotes, hawks, snakes, and smaller creatures. When we learned of the gardens kept out back we decided to tarry a few more minutes and visit the unique gardens that teemed with plant life.

The gardens there were so beautiful; we strolled through them leisurely and noticed each fragrant blossom and unique plant. It was if though God had came down and worked here cultivating an island of life within an ocean of death. The colors astounded us as we hadn’t seen colors other than various hues and shades of orange and red if several hours. When my parents had finally decided that we had spent enough time taking in this beautiful cornucopia of life, I grudgingly left.

As we kept journeying through the park, I was subdued by the dearth of life, and hardly spoke a word. I solemnly took in all of the details of the rock formations as we took pictures of them. Hickman Bridge, Cassidy Arch, Checkerboard Rock, we saw them all until we finally came to Chimney Rock.

It was here, that forever my existence should be scarred with the memories of that day, that hour, that minute, that moment. We had stopped to take pictures of Chimney Rock, when in my subdued state I glanced over to the other side of the road and into a semi-deep gully. I am sure that my face paled beyond comparison, and my eyes dilated in fear, for I had seen a dead man. I unleashed a scream of pure and unbridled terror; he was there just down into the gully. My parents having not noticed what was wrong scrambled around worried that I had hurt myself or something. When I asked, I could not speak, I only pointed.

My mom gasped, and only my father acted upon his own will, he calmly got out of the car and walked down to the body and felt its neck. It wasn’t until later that I knew what he was doing, but he looked around and started at the sight of something that I couldn’t see. He walked quickly back up, got into our car, and started driving. I was still in too much shock to understand what half of what was going on around me, but my dad said that we needed to find a ranger station or something.

I shouldn’t like to go into the details of what else happened, but my father took them back to the site and showed them the scene. When he came back, we drove, we just drove. After a while I tentatively asked what had happened. He said that it was an accident, and that the man was not the only one dead, a young woman was found dead under a decimated truck (presumably theirs.) The rangers’ best guess at a solution was that the couple had slept on the side of the road in their truck, when one morning (we never knew how long they had been there) they went to leave and their truck became stuck. They had given it too much gas when the truck zoomed forward and plummeted over into the gully ejecting the man from the car and crushing the woman. My dad said, however, that I shouldn’t trouble myself with such things.

********************************************************

That night, as I got ready to sleep, I was terrified as was only an impressionable ten year old that had just had a terrifying day. I finally embraced the open arms of night and succumbed to sleep.

********************************************************

It was night, out in the desert; I was at Chimney Rock. I looked around confused asking myself “Why am I here?” I finally looked around when I noticed that a truck was alongside of the road. I just sat there for a few minutes puzzling over why I was here until the head lights blazed on and the engine roared to life. Whoever was driving was gunning the engine for some reason but getting nowhere. And then I remembered, what my dad said about the accident. “No!” But my voice didn’t work; it was only a whisper in the wind compared to the steadily increasing thrum of the engine. Finally, the truck almost flew forward and propelled itself over the side of the gully.

It all happened in such a blur that I didn’t notice the man getting ejected from the car and landing spread-eagle and broken on the side of the gully. I walked down into it after a moment, but never got very far before an unearthly mist took form over the body, and another shortly join him. They floated up the gully directly towards me, but I did nothing not because of courage or bravery but because I was frozen in fear, terrible fear. The black specters had almost reached me when I blinked my eyes to keep tears back, when I noticed that I was back in our hotel room.

********************************************************

That night I learned to never let my imagination run away with me as it could only lead to sorrow and fear. But other, than that I like to think that God had sent us there and that he let us see those people. Who knows how long it could have been until they had been found?

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So, guys, thoughts?​

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Hm. Now that I think about it, that poem was bad.

I wouldn't say bad. Pretty much anybody who's ever written a poem has a work they read later on and say, "What was I thinking?" As for the poem, the images you create are vivid and you have a good vocabulary and the grammar is impeccable, but it was a bit unfocused and a bit cliché. Unfocused because you start out with a nice night/day theme but then you go to the flower theme then to the colors. Start with any one idea and explore it fully and how it can best match what you're trying to express through the poem. Throughout the images, I sorta lost what the poem was about, what you were trying to express through it. Cliché because, sunset/sunrise, roses, girls crying are all classics of love/friendship poems. Surprise your readers by exploring different idea. Love isn't just roses and colors, it can be the far future, machines and metal, it can be animalistic, monsters and chimeras, it can be heat, cold, fast, slow, movement, static, etc. Expand the boundaries of images that can express an emotion.

You definitely have skills as a poet but overall it could use more focus and more originality.

A Day from Heaven, a Dream from Hell, and a Memory for Eternity​

So, guys, thoughts?

Again, words are your friends, you play with them and make them work for you. Loved the description of the mundane, of the routine, of the normacy at the beginning. It lulled me into a sense of security and then, I was blindsided. It heightened the effect brilliantly.

Again, I liked how you were able to convey the surreal aspect of that experience. You felt removed from it and it worked as it highlighted the fact that it haunted you almost and caused a disconnect between the rest of the world and you.

The third part was where I felt it went a bit too predictable. Goes to sleep, nightmare, while well written it felt very I've read this before.

The last two sentences totally didn't work for me and at the same time they did. I didn't like how you were trying to make sense of that experience since it took away from the impact that your story created in me and the surreal atmosphere you'de previously set, but at the same time, it made sense for someone who's overwhelmed by the events to try to rationalize them, to make sense of them.

I liked it.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

I wouldn't say bad. Pretty much anybody who's ever written a poem has a work they read later on and say, "What was I thinking?" As for the poem, the images you create are vivid and you have a good vocabulary and the grammar is impeccable, but it was a bit unfocused and a bit cliché. Unfocused because you start out with a nice night/day theme but then you go to the flower theme then to the colors. Start with any one idea and explore it fully and how it can best match what you're trying to express through the poem. Throughout the images, I sorta lost what the poem was about, what you were trying to express through it. Cliché because, sunset/sunrise, roses, girls crying are all classics of love/friendship poems. Surprise your readers by exploring different idea. Love isn't just roses and colors, it can be the far future, machines and metal, it can be animalistic, monsters and chimeras, it can be heat, cold, fast, slow, movement, static, etc. Expand the boundaries of images that can express an emotion.

You definitely have skills as a poet but overall it could use more focus and more originality.

Yeah, you pretty muchly said everything I felt about this poem in the first two sentences. Thank you very much for the advice, and I do believe I will be writing a redux on it eventually.

Again, words are your friends, you play with them and make them work for you. Loved the description of the mundane, of the routine, of the normacy at the beginning. It lulled me into a sense of security and then, I was blindsided. It heightened the effect brilliantly.

Again, I liked how you were able to convey the surreal aspect of that experience. You felt removed from it and it worked as it highlighted the fact that it haunted you almost and caused a disconnect between the rest of the world and you.

The third part was where I felt it went a bit too predictable. Goes to sleep, nightmare, while well written it felt very I've read this before.

The last two sentences totally didn't work for me and at the same time they did. I didn't like how you were trying to make sense of that experience since it took away from the impact that your story created in me and the surreal atmosphere you'de previously set, but at the same time, it made sense for someone who's overwhelmed by the events to try to rationalize them, to make sense of them.

I liked it.

Ah, yes. The one problem with this whole essay was that it was supposed to impact the reader and make them learn something. *eyeroll* I had to bullshit the third part onward, and was forced to add the very last bit or get a point deduction. Again, thanks for the advice and praise. But now, its time for a new essay, but this one is a bit more upbeat.

The Day of Freedom​

Even now the memories flow back to me, clear as water, of that day a year ago after the NHS Easter event. My friends always said that I had a great memory for some of the most trivial events or occurrences that one could think of, but I prefer to think that these special, remembered moments, are some of the most important memories that I will have ever made. That day, we had ventured away from the school and off to the Jumpstart School to help with their Easter egg hunt. With the successful completion of our task, we went to take a day off at the fairgrounds. The memories that return to me now are not unlike the memories that I can remember when I think of my Aunt She-She or my grandparents, who are now sadly deceased.

As I step off the still thrumming bus, into the fresh, bracing air, I feel a new sensation ring throughout my body: freedom. Together, I and my three friends- Whitney Talley, Kaysie Gray, and Emilie Speer- venture out slowly into the fairgrounds, formulating different ideas on how to celebrate our free-day. Still undecided on how to spend the day, we cross the bridge and eventually come to the cold, black iron train. The idea seems to dawn on us all at the same exact time; let’s climb the train! I, being a notorious “afraid of everything” person, was slightly afraid of the prospect of climbing on the train; however, I eventually decided that as a free-day, I should be free of all my inhibitions. Leaving my lunch box on the ground by the fence posts, I began the only slightly arduous climb to the top of this iron horse. Upon reaching the top, the absolute worst thing happened; a squirrel decided to scare the living bajesus out of me. Luckily I didn’t fall, but that did put me off of climbing around for too much longer. With the lingering fringes of coal still on my jacket I began to slowly work myself down, but not before eliciting a few metallic clangs that reverberated through the engine.

After that test of courage and mettle, we decide to- oh, the irony- climb a tree. Yes, I suppose that after climbing the giant train, a tiny tree should be nothing; well, to me it wasn’t. There was an unsurprising lack of handholds on the rough and tough bark, but as with all challenges, I simply grit my teeth and do it. After monkeying around for a few minutes, we eventually decided that after the exhilaration of climbing a train, the tree was a bit tame. We talked for a moment before discovering the newest stop on our free-day, and jumped down to feel the solid earth and the rushing air surround us.

Meandering slowly over to a few sparsely decorated flowering bushes and trees, we simply waited for a few minutes, smiling and talking to each other about the wonderfully intoxicating smell of the flowers and the other, more subtle, hints of various herbs and plants around us. After adorning ourselves in various types of flowers, we noticed that primary among the smells that we experienced, was that of crystal clear water. After a moment of investigating, we found the stream that was the source of this pure scent. More time seemed to dwindle by as our joy and laughter became more apparent, and eventually we found ourselves wandering back to the front, but not before one more pit stop.

We reached our destination without too much trouble, save for the mournful silence that seemed to emanate from us as we realized that all too soon, our freedom would end. I shimmied around the bar into the wide open space, and awaited the arrival of my friends. One by one their heads, then their bodies, and finally their legs popped into view. Whooping with one last bit of freedom we hopped the fence surrounding the dirt arena and landed with a dull thud against the cold, loose earth. Looking up from our graceful landing, we gazed around at the deserted rodeo arena and horsed around for a little before one of us, who still had some common sense, reminded us that we had to be back at the playground for 2:30 PM. We crawled through the hard, metal bars and took one last forlorn look around the cavernous space before squeezing through the bar once again out into the sunshine.

Once again, we journeyed through the fairgrounds and once, we sadly reached our destination. The cheery playground that came into sight didn’t match our moods; however, we did have a few minutes, and the prospect of lunch elated our feelings just a little bit. We walked across the street to the Palace, ordered our food, and sat down to indulge in the cushioned seats. The greasy French fries, the soft peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and the sweet tea made my accumulation of aches and pains wash away. To top everything off, I ordered a deliciously honey-sweet ice cream flavored snowball, and when the first delectable morsel graced my lips, I think I might have zoned out for a moment, lost in my thoughts and the sweetness of the treat.

Once we had finished, we marched over to the school bus, which was thrumming as the engine idled and got on, ready to face our fate. As we drove away from that place, I think I felt a sense of contentment from that day fall into my body, and spread into every limb.

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So, everyone, this one is a tad bit newer having been written about two months ago (again) for English class. Thoughts, advice?

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Kay, so new poem ^-^

Forevermore

Forevermore I am gone,
The memories of our days haunt my existence,
My heart is shattered,
My soul is crushed,

The hallowed halls of my mind seem to be filled with thoughts… memories…
You cast your spell too well,
And now, you’re gone,
The spell not undone, lingering forevermore,

I long for your voice… your touch…
Too soon you left,
My love undiminished,
A flame to burn forevermore,

In that one serene moment,
My world shattered,
Everything I held dear,
Turned to ashes and embers forevermore,

But now your song is sung,
The words echoing forevermore,
Fringes of memories,
Wisps of love,

But from the dark forevermore must come the light,
A low roar in the distance,
A dim light through the dark,
A calm storm on the seas of my heart,

I will it to come,
I long for you, your spell taking its toll,
Forevermore I am gone,
Forevermore I am with you.

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So, this one is a tad bit newer than the last, coming in at about a month old. Its actually going to a writer's competition as picked by my English teacher, so And, keeping in mind Gible's comment, it is a bit emo-ish, but I was listening to My Immortal by Evanescence at the time so sue me :B Reviews please

 

[99unownoak]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Very nice

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

But now, its time for a new essay, but this one is a bit more upbeat.
Thoughts, advice?

I'd say that that you have a wide vocabulary, perfect spelling and impeccable grammar but that would be redundant at this point. Structure wise, it's good. But somehow, it did nothing for me. I don't know why, can't really explain it, but I just didn't connect with the story. Perhaps because unless your previous narrative, there wasn't any contrast between the mundane and the events of the story.

Brilliantly written, but something's missing.

Its actually going to a writer's competition as picked by my English teacher, so

Good luck! Hope you do well...

I was listening to My Immortal by Evanescence at the time so sue me :B Reviews please

Ooooh it shows

It's a good poem in the My Immortal induced emo genre, but that whole genre isn't my cup of tea because I always feel the images are somewhat predictable. Though, it's generally a good idea to listen to music or get inspiration from a painting to write poetry... just... not... My Immortal.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

I'd say that that you have a wide vocabulary, perfect spelling and impeccable grammar but that would be redundant at this point. Structure wise, it's good. But somehow, it did nothing for me. I don't know why, can't really explain it, but I just didn't connect with the story. Perhaps because unless your previous narrative, there wasn't any contrast between the mundane and the events of the story.

Brilliantly written, but something's missing.

Hm, I'll take a look and try to pinpoint that "something," again, thanks! Although, just as odd little remark, if there is one thing I pride myself on, its my vocabulary, spelling, and grammar, so double thanks for all that ego stroking praise!

Good luck! Hope you do well...

Thanks Gible! It always brightens my day to see your reviews/posts.

Ooooh it shows

It's a good poem in the My Immortal induced emo genre, but that whole genre isn't my cup of tea because I always feel the images are somewhat predictable. Though, it's generally a good idea to listen to music or get inspiration from a painting to write poetry... just... not... My Immortal.

Yeah, I kinda expected that ^^;; I'm working on a redux of Sun and Moon that shall hopefully a bit more upbeat for you~ for everyone.

Also, thanks 999remew!

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

A Broken Heart

A Broken Heart

A love game I played,
A chance I took,
My heart on the line,

You were a good opponent,
Played your moves so well,
This dance so elegant, was my death,

My poker face failed me,
You shot me through the heart,
It shattered in two,

In shame you did flee,
You broke my heart,
You held the keys to the kingdom and my heart,

All your horses,
And all your men,
Couldn’t put my heart back together again,

Nay, only the King,
In his tower so high,
Could put my heart back together again.​

This wasn't really my usual type of poetry, mainly I just let the feelings flow and wrote what came to me. I'll have a bit more of a thought out poem later, I think.

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Were the Gaga references intentional?

I always feel weird commenting on poems because they're so personal to the author, so much more about expressing emotions than other forms of writing. Structure, grammar, vocabulary wise, it's all good. The good point is that the poem carries the point across and does well to express an emotion, but my one criticsm is almost that it does it too well. The imagery and the metaphors are almost too present... I don't know how to really phrase it, but the poem is almost too abstract. There's something about it that just doesn't connect with me, that's not tangible.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Were the Gaga references intentional?

They were, they seemed... perfect.

I always feel weird commenting on poems because they're so personal to the author, so much more about expressing emotions than other forms of writing. Structure, grammar, vocabulary wise, it's all good. The good point is that the poem carries the point across and does well to express an emotion, but my one criticsm is almost that it does it too well. The imagery and the metaphors are almost too present... I don't know how to really phrase it, but the poem is almost too abstract. There's something about it that just doesn't connect with me, that's not tangible.

Its fine, and I can definitely understand that sentiment. More often than not whenever I read poetry, its driven by emotions and injokes that would only be understood by a few people, and you can't really fully comprehend the poem. Hm, I don't think I've ever been criticized for doing something too well... Ah, well there's a first for everything. And its fine. Its just that I used alot of injokes that really wouldn't be understood by alot of people outside my close friends, so thats probably it. Thanks again, for the review Hellion~

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Hm, I don't think I've ever been criticized for doing something too well...

I wouldn't say it's a criticism or that it's anything wrong. That's what I meant before by feeling weird about commenting poetry. When it comes to narratives, whether its fanfictions or short stories, I have no problem taking criticsm but poetry is different because it always feels more personal,more like a part of myself. That's part of why I never post poetry online (and why I haven't written any in so long...)

Yeah, the only thing I meant was that the poems all about the emotion without connecting it to something that isn't abstract, that's concrete.

Like this is poem from one of my favourite poets... (He's French so this is a translation)

Spoiler

Quicksand by Jacques Prévert

Deamons and marvels
Winds and tides
Far away already, the sea has ebbed
And you
Like seaweed slowly carressed by the wind
In the sands of the bed you stir, dreaming
Deamons and marvels
Winds and tides
Far away already, the sea has ebbed
But in your half-opened eyes
Two small waves have remained
Deamons and marvels
Winds and tides
Two small waves to drown me

Found here:http://xtream.online.fr/Prevert/indexeng.html

While there's a lot of metaphors, they are basically describing something concrete, a woman in a bed crying and those tears are breaking the poet's heart. I can't really explain it, but that connection to the concrete is what I missed. Perhaps by using more the five senses, I don't know.

Still it's a good poem that was just my impression when I read it. But as I said countless times before you're a very talented writer.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

The Road Taken

Childhood days of innocence,
Enraptured thoughts,
Dreams of glass,

We walked,
And we talked,
As children so oft do,

Far too late,
I realize as so many do,
My heart was meant for you,

The moments… seconds…
To which I so desperately clung,
Slipped through my fingers as the sand,

Fate spurned me,
For now,
My words cloak my sorrow,

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
I took the one more traveled,
And that has made all the more difference.​

A product of more mope-y, self-piteous feelings.

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

I like it. There's a simplicity, an honesty about it that I find refreshing and a bit disarming. There's that something I quite like about your style that I hadn't been able to put my finger on up until now and I just realized what it is. There's something very innocent about it, very young but at the same time, the vocabulary is very rich and you use words that make it sound like the poem was written by someone much older, an old soul I guess. It's the weird but evocative outlook of someone who's about to enter life but at the same time knows what's coming or someone who's already lived through life, but still retains hopes and dreams instead of memories... or both

Don't lose it, I feel it's your greatest strenght as a poet. It's what makes you unique and it's why I enjoy reading you.

Two minor thoughts. Some of the images were interesting but were a bit predictable, like the use of sand as a metaphor for the passing of time or not taken far enough though that didn't deter from the evocative nature of the poem. They felt a bit obvious, but all the same effective. Also, the last line, don't know why but it sort of feels like a moral stated at the end of a story. I sorta felt it somewhat clashed with the tone and dreamlike quality of the rest of the poem.

*goes to read it again cause three times isn't enough*

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Well, the poem in itself was kind of a parody to Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," but this poem is about someone who took the road traveled more, and how they regret it. And yeah, I do get that vibe too. Can't really say much to the sand thing. XP

And thanks, Hellion. I think I know what you're talking about.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

New poem, darlings.

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Spellbound

I walked through time,
Unravaged, untouched, uncompared,
Until I met you,

I was there for it all,
I watched as countless empires fell,
I was there with the Angel at the tomb,

You changed everything,
In that one serene moment,
My world tumbled out of orbit,

Gone were the days of darkness,
Here were the days of life,
From far away, I heard the drum resonate once more,

Oh but God,
For with one word,
You cast your spell,

Together we walked,
Together we talked,
And from my desperate lips a kiss you took,

Thus, in the darkest night,
Together, we stole away,
Never to look back,

Our touch a spark,
Our kiss a flame,
And our love set the world ablaze,

Passion unbound,
Love run amok,
Feverpitch heartbeats,

Forevermore together,
Our love binds us,
Spellbound, you and I.

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Well, harsh critiques, please. I'm think of entering this into the same competition that Forevermore is going into.

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

New poem, darlings. Well, harsh critiques, please.

Alright but I'll try to not be harsh. Though since you're thinking about entering it in a competition, I'll give you my honest opinion about it. Spoilered for lenght... though that's a good thing, the more I care about a poem or a fic, the more it impacted me, the more I want to write about it.

Spoiler

I read it a few times and as a whole, it works in that it leaves an impression, a feeling and the imagery it creates is quite powerful and it shows off your skills as a poet. Part of what I like about your style is that it carries with it a certain element of mysticism. It's not straightforward and forces the reader to invest in the poem. Though, if I had to criticize something, it's a certain lack of cohesion throughout the poem, both in the theme and the style. It's like there's two distinct poems that are melted together into one.

I walked through time,
Unravaged, untouched, uncompared,
Until I met you,

I was there for it all,
I watched as countless empires fell,
I was there with the Angel at the tomb,

You changed everything,
In that one serene moment,
My world tumbled out of orbit,

Gone were the days of darkness,
Here were the days of life,
From far away, I heard the drum resonate once more,

Oh but God,
For with one word,
You cast your spell,

Together we walked,
Together we talked,
And from my desperate lips a kiss you took,

Thus, in the darkest night,
Together, we stole away,
Never to look back,

First part has a structure all to itself, each verse is a sentence and has a verb in it. That gives off an impression of lenght, of time passing. You're clearly in the realm of romanticism and emotions here and it also has a certain timelessness to it. It's less about the lover him/herself than it is about the abstract concept of true love. The older sounding vocabulary helps in this part and gives it a Tristan & Isolde like quality. My criticism about this part is that while your images are powerful, they lose the point a bit. It's about falling in love. It's an explosion, it's brash, it's fire and were it not for the last two verses in that quote, I'd think it was a poem about finding God more than finding love. Also, some metaphors, I've seen some variation of before like the one about empires falling.

I don't know but the rhythm and the structure didn't seem to fit with the theme you tackled. Now in the second part...

Our touch a spark,
Our kiss a flame,
And our love set the world ablaze,

Passion unbound,
Love run amok,
Feverpitch heartbeats,

Forevermore together,
Our love binds us,
Spellbound, you and I.

This part feels like the polar opposite. Shorter verses, verbless verses gives this part a faster rhythm. It feels like breathing that's getting faster. It carries with it a physicality, a tactile quality, especially the first two verses. It works better with the theme of the poem, which I percieved as falling love. This part feels more about that instant, that moment. Though, some of your trademark level of vocabulary takes away a bit from that feeling as it ages and wises up this part.

In short, both halves work well enough on their own (in my opinion the second one works better than the first) but I'm not convinced it works as a cohesive whole. Still, I think it's definitely an interesting poems and representative of your style. I think this is my favourite out of your poems so far.

Sorry for the lenght.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works (New Poem: Spellbound)

*reserved space for the Hellion review response*

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Love

I did not,
Desire it,
Nor seek it,

It found me,
Content in my life,
As it way,

Love is blind,
To the cravings,
And wishes of the heart,

Love is deaf,
To the groanings,
And sighs of the heart,

Love cannot feel the pain,
Or my tears,
When I look at you,

Love took a shot in the dark,
Hit my heart,
And my life has never been the same.

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Reviews, please.

 

[Hellion]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works (New Poem: Spellbound)

*reserved space for the Hellion review response*

Me is scared...

Reviews, please.

Not gonna lie, it isn't my favourite poem of yours, though it's not bad. It's ok in its genre and in the theme it's exploring, but more importantly it shows off your trademark style. But I can't help but feel it's a little obvious. The images, the topic, the structure... it's all a bit safe. There's no risk with the style or the structure.

I've read 6 (or so...) of your poems and I can tell you have the makings of a great poet, you've got the gift of weaving words together, but I'm still waiting for you to take it to the next level, to truly take risks and surprise both your readers and yourself.

 

[AiedailEclipsed]

Re: Aie's Miscellaneous Literary Works

Spoiler

I read it a few times and as a whole, it works in that it leaves an impression, a feeling and the imagery it creates is quite powerful and it shows off your skills as a poet. Part of what I like about your style is that it carries with it a certain element of mysticism. It's not straightforward and forces the reader to invest in the poem. Though, if I had to criticize something, it's a certain lack of cohesion throughout the poem, both in the theme and the style. It's like there's two distinct poems that are melted together into one.

First part has a structure all to itself, each verse is a sentence and has a verb in it. That gives off an impression of lenght, of time passing. You're clearly in the realm of romanticism and emotions here and it also has a certain timelessness to it. It's less about the lover him/herself than it is about the abstract concept of true love. The older sounding vocabulary helps in this part and gives it a Tristan & Isolde like quality. My criticism about this part is that while your images are powerful, they lose the point a bit. It's about falling in love. It's an explosion, it's brash, it's fire and were it not for the last two verses in that quote, I'd think it was a poem about finding God more than finding love. Also, some metaphors, I've seen some variation of before like the one about empires falling.

I don't know but the rhythm and the structure didn't seem to fit with the theme you tackled. Now in the second part...

This part feels like the polar opposite. Shorter verses, verbless verses gives this part a faster rhythm. It feels like breathing that's getting faster. It carries with it a physicality, a tactile quality, especially the first two verses. It works better with the theme of the poem, which I percieved as falling love. This part feels more about that instant, that moment. Though, some of your trademark level of vocabulary takes away a bit from that feeling as it ages and wises up this part.

In short, both halves work well enough on their own (in my opinion the second one works better than the first) but I'm not convinced it works as a cohesive whole. Still, I think it's definitely an interesting poems and representative of your style. I think this is my favourite out of your poems so far.

Sorry for the lenght.

Once again, you're extremely correct. I can't really say much other than that. XD Although, this next one does have a bit of the random short/long/short/short/long/long thing going on...

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Flame of Truth

A secret world,
A secret garden,
And my sweet escape,

Running away,
Into the night,
Leaving behind the lie,

Thus began the plunge,
The tumble through time,
Our fall from grace and into truth,

Lovers,
Always meant to be,
But the world didn't see,

Our love a flame,
Licked away the lie,
Leaving a shining truth in its place,

Slipping through space,
Our lie, our mask,
Came crashing down,

I held the flaming saber of truth,
For but a moment,
Would I damn myself and cut the veil,

Would I let the world burn?
Ripping and shattering,
Our shields were gone,

Our love,
Became known,
I let loose the flame,

My fears for naught,
With our heads held high,
We were embraced.

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Welp, do your worst.