TEEN: An Unwanted Journey

[BackSet]

Rated T for Teen. And also Trebuchet. Not really. Anyway, yeah, violence, mild blood (because, really, pokemon can't not bleed when attacked by things with spikes), potential death (assuming I make it to sinnoh and/or kalos), potential catatonic states (Sun/moon and black/white[2]), and a few possibly upsetting themes.



there's nothing here.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I find it difficult to review comedy, seeing as it's such a subjective genre. I have to admit, this type of comedy isn't my thing, but I can't say it's bad. Anyway, your dialogue is mostly formatted correctly - just, pronouns don't need to be capitalised as part of a speech tag. Er, what else? Oh, you don't really need the summary at the start of Chapter 3, not least because it's a bit confusing - at first it looks like part of the story.

This is just wonderful. The former child prodigy thought.

That would probably looks better as: This is just wonderful, the former child prodigy thought. Formatted as dialogue with italics instead of speech marks.

Hold It!!!!!!!!!

This might have a bigger impact with two or three exclamation marks at most.

“What?” Was Artemis’ only response.

Likewise, I think just "What?" would be funnier.

“Shadow Ball?” Hermes asked. Umbreon could only learn Shadow Ball from a TM.

“I got the TM as a gift from an uncle who wanted me to become a pokemon battle trainer like him.” Artemis replied. “Uncle… AJ I think his name was.”

I'd scrap that exchange. Your action isn't a bad start by any means - just as a rule of thumb it's best to avoid exposition dialogue in the middle of a battle, if you can. I don't think a reader would be confused to see an Umbreon use Shadow Ball.

maps of places that didn’t even exist

That one I did find amusing.

Your late

That should be "You're" - "you are".

 

[BackSet]

Goddammit!

Damn thing get's stuck every time I try to edit the damn thing.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Wouldn't you know it, pressed "Post Reply" prematurely. Anyway, couple notes on Chapter 4:

Koga knew that sometimes a feeling was worth following. So he checked the pokemon and found a photo.

That seems odd, and it doesn't seem like it's supposed to be funny-odd. Wouldn't anyone be able to just see Raticate holding a photo or something?

debri

Debris. Looks like that one was a typo

 

[BackSet]

Wouldn't you know it, pressed "Post Reply" prematurely. Anyway, couple notes on Chapter 4:



That seems odd, and it doesn't seem like it's supposed to be funny-odd. Wouldn't anyone be able to just see Raticate holding a photo or something?



Debris. Looks like that one was a typo

The Raticate is lying on it's side facing away from Koga and Apollo. The Photo is clutched in it's front paw.

 

[BackSet]

Finally got the thing working for me.

 

[BackSet]

That one I did find amusing.

Intrestingly enough that wasn't intended to be funny. That was just to show how crazy prepared surge is.

 

[BackSet]

If I was on a computer, updating the chapters would be easier. But it's done.

 

[BackSet]

Chapter 5 edited so as to give you a small warning before Mare's sections in order to make the transitions less awkward.

 

[Nitro Indigo]

I've only read the first chapter so far.

I like the little bits of worldbuilding you did, such as how Pokémon need to be kept in balls in certain premises, and how you used it to show us Artemis' defiance.

Sandslashes naturally have high defense due to being capable of rolling into a nigh impenetrable spiny ball.

I was about to nitpick about the epithet in the previous sentence, but I think this would have been better if you showed us the Sandslash defending itself.

Also, that author's note is redundant.

 

[BackSet]

I've only read the first chapter so far.

I like the little bits of worldbuilding you did, such as how Pokémon need to be kept in balls in certain premises, and how you used it to show us Artemis' defiance.


I was about to nitpick about the epithet in the previous sentence, but I think this would have been better if you showed us the Sandslash defending itself.

Also, that author's note is redundant.

My authors notes are authors notes.

 

[Nitro Indigo]

But recapping the events of the chapter doesn't add anything.

 

[BackSet]

But recapping the events of the chapter doesn't add anything.

I think I only did that once though.