Artistic Vision is about three trainers go on thier journey to create thier own stories by drawing. Along the way, their stories eventually merge into one. This fic will deeply explore on human and pokemon relationships and wordbuilding.
Not gonna critique here, because the Oxford comma is used by some people and not used by others.The flowers started to bloom, Fletchlings were singing courting songs and the weather was starting to warm up.
Tense change here. Either stick with present tense or past tense.Zack felt a cold breeze through his fair skin. His short caramel-blonde hair blows in the air, to the point that some of the strands hit his face. He usually loves a good sweet air, but he hates it when it gets too windy or chilly. He could feel his dark green cuffed jacket flapping in the air.
There should be a "the" before "Pokémon Center" and "Pokéball Research Center".There was Professor Sycamore’s Lab, Pokemon Center, the famous PR Video Studio, Coiffure Clips and Pokeball Research Center.
It took a while for the chapter to establish that we were in Lumiose City. While there were things that hinted at that (Sycamore's Lab, for example), the establishing felt a little awkward, because it went from the broadness of Kalos to the specific-ness of South Boulveard without the bridge of Lumiose City, if that metaphor makes sense.Zack began rolling down South Boulevard, taking in all the sights around him.
This feels a bit awkward without an "of" before "the", but it might also be grammatically correct, I'm not 100% sure.All the townhouses
Tense change again.All the townhouses were old and beige with a dormer window on a blue roof. They also have large or small balconies situated on the third floor. Some have them on the top windows.
I'm not a doctor/expert on cerebral palsy, so I'll leave that to someone who's more knowledgeable. What I can say, however, is that there's a mid-sentence tense change.He had cerebral palsy as he cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around.
The wording of this makes it sound like he's transforming his pajamas into his clothes with magic or something. I don't think that's what you're going for, so I would reword it as:When it’s morning, he would get himself out of bed and change his pajamas into his clothes.
Tense change, but I like the expanding of South Boulevard.South Boulevard had plenty of school buildings, medical facilities and offices. South Boulevard also has its own clothing shops, food stores and household goods.
Pokémon should be capitalized (it should also have an accent over the e, but since some people might not be able to do that so easily, I'll let it slide).pokemon
The wording of this sentence is a bit awkward. I would reword it as:He had prefer sleepy towns over big bustling cities.
"Had" before "happened".However, he couldn't help but linger over what happened last week…
This scene is a bit confusing. At first, I thought the mysterious figure was, say, a wild Pokémon, only to realize that it was one of Zack's Pokémon. This could be best remedied by not using the term "mysterious Pokémon".“Where are you going?!” Zack shouted. The mysterious figure didn’t respond and just kept on going.
“Come back here!” Zack shouted once more, chasing after his pokemon.
Oooooh what happened that led to Zack's Pokémon abandoning him? Who is this Pokémon?“I can’t believe it…” Zack said as his eyes started to water up. “I’ve been abandoned by my own pokemon…”
"The page" is a weird phrase to use, since a book(?) hasn't been established, much less a page in the book.He got so lost in his own thoughts and memories that he didn’t know his tears were dripping on the page,
Oh no what did he doYou don't deserve to be a pokemon trainer after what you did….
It should be "Were he".Was he and his partner really that uncompatible?
I don't know if this is a question or a possibility statement. If it's the latter, that quesiton mark should be a period.Maybe he wasn't good enough to be a pokemon trainer at all?
This sentence feels a bit awkward.He began to wonder if his remaining pokemon wanted to do with him after ‘what he did’.
This one does too, but I like the metaphor.Then the volcano inside was his anger, ready to erupt in all of glory.
His emerald green eyes blazed with rage, and tears flowed out of his eyes.His emerald green eyes blazing with rage, his tears flowing right out of his eyes.
Yeah, I can sort of relate to this, speaking from personal experience, though I know that different people experience/describe panic attacks in different ways. Interesting description and imagery of/simile to fire. Makes me wonder just how big this event that led to Zack's Pokémon leaving was.Images and voices ran through his head, starting with a loud scream. There were images of an unknown black silhouette creature that roars angrily into the night sky. Zack was surrounded in orange and yellow hot flames. He felt like he was trapped in a fire. His breath was getting shorter and shorter. His heart was racing. He was on the verge of having a panic attack.
There should be a comma after "hurt".“I don’t think I want a new partner just yet. I’m still hurt and I don’t know how long I’ll move on from this.”
Comma after "Flabébé".Daphne, the Flabebe let out a low sympathetic cry.
Tense change.What Zack doesn’t know is that Daphne has a different opinion on Zack’s partner.
Comma after "feelings".Daphne was secretly happy that her trainer’s old partner was gone for good. She didn’t want to hurt Zack’s feelings so she had to hide her celebration of her so-called friend’s permanent absence.
Abuse subtext perhaps?She could see vague images of a small, shadowy figure looming over her. Daphne was hiding in a corner and the shadow figure stared at her with narrow eyes. Just thinking about it made her want to cry and cower inside Zack’s hands. She can’t stand to see Zack cry over his ex-partner.
creativelover93 said:
He had cerebral palsy as he cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around.
Me either, but sometimes it's hard to research things. Some people Cerebral Palsy can talk and some can't. I met people in wheelchairs in all forms. I could've make it vauge.I'm not a doctor/expert on cerebral palsy, so I'll leave that to someone who's more knowledgeable. What I can say, however, is that there's a mid-sentence tense change.
It will probably get a bit explained in the next chapter.Oooh why did Daphne not like Zack's other Pokémon.
You're going to have to wait and see.Abuse subtext perhaps?creativelover93 said:
She could see vague images of a small, shadowy figure looming over her. Daphne was hiding in a corner and the shadow figure stared at her with narrow eyes. Just thinking about it made her want to cry and cower inside Zack’s hands. She can’t stand to see Zack cry over his ex-partner.
creativelover93 said:
You don't deserve to be a pokemon trainer after what you did….
That was from his own thoughts. Should've wrote that he said it in his own thoughts so the readers can tell it was Zack.Oh no what did he do
This sounds like they belong in the same paragraph since they're both still describing the area. There's also a missing "The" before townhouses.There was Professor Sycamore’s Lab, Pokémon Center, PR Video Studio, Coiffure Clips and Pokémon Research Center. South Boulevard had plenty of school buildings, medical facilities and offices. South Boulevard also has its own clothing shops, food stores and household goods.
Townhouses were old and beige with a dormer window on a blue roof. They had large or small balconies situated on the third floor. Some had them on the top windows.
The first line here feels kind of redundant. You can reword the paragraph opener into something like "Zackary couldn't walk and had always relied on a wheelchair to get around for as long as he can remember" and it would convey the same information without the need to spell it out. (My gut feeling says cut off "couldn't walk" too, but I think it's something that would be good to get second opinions on how clear it is.)Zackary had a disability for as long as he can remember. He cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around. At night, he would place his wheelchair next to his bed and tuck himself under the covers. When it’s morning, he would get himself out of bed, changing out of his pajamas and into his clothes. It's diffcult, but that was a part of his daily and evening routine.
"upset from what had become of his former pokémon partner" can be removed without losing anything, since from the context of the memory and the next line it's already clear why he's upset. In general, you seem to have a habit of showing then telling when only one would've been sufficient. You have nice descriptions, but the telling part dampened the momentum of it.Zack’s eyes started to water up again, upset from what had become of his former pokémon partner. He got so lost in his own thoughts and memories that he didn’t know his tears were dripping on his face and his jacket.
I'm not sure if I understand this sentence correctly. Do you mean "what" in place of "if", and "thought of" in place of "wanted to do with"?He began to wonder if his remaining pokémon wanted to do with him after last week.
You want to use "like" instead of "of" here. Also glory isn't something that I'd associate with anger, personally.His anger boiled inside of a volcano, ready to erupt in all of glory.
Thanks. I seen a few fanart of disabled protagonists in a wheelchair before.Kalos fic, eh? That's neat, not a region that I've often seen in fanfictions. It's also nice to have a protagonist with disability. I've never read pokemon fic with a protagonist in a wheelchair before, so I'm interested in seeing how this will play out as a part of Zack's character and the world around him.
There was Professor Sycamore’s Lab, Pokémon Center, PR Video Studio, Coiffure Clips and Pokémon Research Center. South Boulevard had plenty of school buildings, medical facilities and offices. South Boulevard also has its own clothing shops, food stores and household goods.
Townhouses were old and beige with a dormer window on a blue roof. They had large or small balconies situated on the third floor. Some had them on the top windows.
I thought the paragraph lasted too long so my mistake.This sounds like they belong in the same paragraph since they're both still describing the area. There's also a missing "The" before townhouses.
Nicknaming your pokemon is very hard so I've decided to add that in the story. It's one of those little things that people rarely touched upon when it comes to pokemon fics. I was originally going to make Erik mean and cruel at one point, but I decided to make him a morally grey character.Onto the second chapter, it's nice to see there are more things to read. The nicknaming scene was cute -- I'm used to nicknaming being a thing that just happens, so seeing Zack going through a list of names until something stuck was fun. Daphne and Erik's dynamic is interesting and I hope they get the chance to talk again. Also, Litwick is very very cute, but I can see why Zack felt apprehensive about keeping one at first.
Sorry about that. I was too busy focusing on Zack's struggle first. On the next chapter will focus more on art this time, once I introduce two new characters.Sadly there wasn't much art in either the first or second chapter. I think I would've preferred if these early chapters had touched on the artistry and portfolio building more -- let the reader have a taste of how the premise is delivered, you know. Right now the story feels like a simple journeyfic, which isn't a bad thing in itself, but I did come into this story following the promise of art...
I should've mentioned a bit more further and have to do some serious editing on that part. Zack had Erik on Christmas, but he left somehow in middle or late January. The current setting is Feburary. It was my mistake on that end.I liked seeing Zack simply wandering around Lumiose and then suddenly memories and emotions struck, oh no. It's relatable. It didn't help that it was a recent happening, so everything still felt raw and close.