TEEN: Artistic Vision

[creativelover93]

Spring had finally come to Lumiose City. The flowers started to bloom. Fletchlings were singing courting songs and the weather was starting to warm up. It was early March, meaning it was the near end of winter.

It had been raining and snowing for the past couple of days. The gutters, birdbaths and roofs were all filled with rainwater. Rain puddles and semi-frozen white sludge were all over the sidewalks and streets. The pedestrians had always commented that it looked like melted slushies.

Zack felt a cold breeze through his fair skin. His short caramel-blonde hair blew in the air, to the point that some of the strands hit his face. He usually loves a good sweet air, but hates it when it gets too windy. His dark green cuffed jacket flapped in the air.

Zack began rolling down South Boulevard, taking in all the sights around him. He was feeling a bit awed by the cafes and restaurants ahead of her. There was The Professor Sycamore’s Lab, The Pokemon Center, the famous PR Video Studio, Coiffure Clips and The Pokémon Research Center. South Boulevard had plenty of school buildings, medical facilities and offices. South Boulevard also has its own clothing shops, food stores and household goods.

Townhouses were old and beige with a dormer window on a blue roof. They had large or small balconies situated on the third floor. Some had them on the top windows.

Zackary had a disability for as long as he can remember. He cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around. At night, he would place his wheelchair next to his bed and tuck himself under the covers. When it’s morning, he would get himself out of bed, changing out of his pajamas and into his clothes. It's diffcult, but that was a part of his daily and evening routine.

Sometimes, Lumiose City looked the same. Every building looked alike. There were a lot of people, cars, and even kids playing with each other everywhere along with their pokémon. He never liked Lumiose City that much. It was too noisy and was easy to get lost in if you don’t have a map in your pokedex. He had always preferred sleepy towns over big bustling cities.

However, he couldn't help but linger over what happened last week…

“Where are you going?!” Zack shouted. The mysterious figure didn’t respond and just kept on going.

“Come back here!” Zack shouted once more, chasing after his pokémon.

The mysterious figure didn’t say anything and ran into the sun. It just kept running and running without a care in the world. Zack couldn’t catch up with him or even sent out his pokémon to track it down. It was too late. His pokemon was already gone, never to be seen again.

“I can’t believe it…” Zack said as his eyes started to water up. “I’ve been abandoned by my own pokémon…”

Zack’s eyes started to water up again, upset from what had become of his former pokémon partner. He got so lost in his own thoughts and memories that he didn’t know his tears were dripping on his face and his jacket.

You don't deserve to be a pokémon trainer after what you did….

His thoughts of doubt and despair began to cloud his mind as the situation truly set in. Were he and his partner really that uncompatible? Was it really his fault? Was his partner really a jerk from the beginning? Maybe he wasn't good enough to be a pokémon trainer at all. He doesn't know what to do in this situation. He began to wonder if his remaining pokemon wanted to do with him after last week. He wished he could figure it out why.

His anger boiled inside of a volcano, ready to erupt in all of glory. His emerald green eyes blazed with rage, and tears flowing right out of his eyes.

Images and voices ran through his head, starting with a loud scream. There were images of an unknown black silhouette creature that roared angrily into the night sky. Zack was surrounded in orange and yellow hot flames. He felt like he was trapped in a fire. His breath was getting shorter and shorter. His heart was racing. He was on the verge of having a panic attack.

Zack took a deep breath and slowly calmed down for a bit. He reached a pokeball from his satchel. He pressed the button, allowing the pokéball to burst open. It was a tiny white fairy creature holding a yellow flower.

Zack looked down at his first and only partner holding a yellow flower like a parasol. Flabébé are known to be very small and petite pokémon in Kalos. Zack thought it was kind of cute that Flabebe could fit in his hand.

“At least I have you, Daphne,” Zack said, smiling sadly. “I don’t think I want a new partner just yet. I’m still hurt, and I don’t know how long I’ll move on from this.”

Daphne, the Flabebe let out a low sympathetic cry. Zack was grateful, but his sadness did not go away.

However, Daphne has a different opinion on Zack’s partner.

Daphne was secretly happy that her trainer’s old partner was gone for good. She didn’t want to hurt Zack’s feelings, so she had to hide her celebration of her so-called friend’s permanent absence.

She could see vague images of a small, shadowy figure looming over her. Daphne was hiding in a corner and the shadow figure stared at her with narrow eyes. Just thinking about it made her want to cry and cower inside Zack’s hands. She can’t stand to see Zack cry over his ex-partner.

Daphne wished Zack could just move on and get a new pokémon already. She was already getting bored and lonely for too long. She wants a new friend to play with. Human or pokémon.

Spoiler: Spoiler: Note

Originally Zack was going to have a Honedge, Bunnelby and Swirlix at the point of this writing, but I changed it to Flabebe at the last second. Also the first chapter was not going to be a prolouge either.

 

[more than a torchic]

This story has everything I've always wanted in a story: Kalos, artists, and Kalos.

Quick thing before I get into the story: You might want to add a rating prefix (EVERYONE, TEEN, or MATURE) and, if required, content warnings.

The flowers started to bloom, Fletchlings were singing courting songs and the weather was starting to warm up.

Not gonna critique here, because the Oxford comma is used by some people and not used by others.

Zack felt a cold breeze through his fair skin. His short caramel-blonde hair blows in the air, to the point that some of the strands hit his face. He usually loves a good sweet air, but he hates it when it gets too windy or chilly. He could feel his dark green cuffed jacket flapping in the air.

Tense change here. Either stick with present tense or past tense.

That being said, I like your descriptions: short yet effective. They help paint the scene (pun intended).

There was Professor Sycamore’s Lab, Pokemon Center, the famous PR Video Studio, Coiffure Clips and Pokeball Research Center.

There should be a "the" before "Pokémon Center" and "Pokéball Research Center".

Zack began rolling down South Boulevard, taking in all the sights around him.

It took a while for the chapter to establish that we were in Lumiose City. While there were things that hinted at that (Sycamore's Lab, for example), the establishing felt a little awkward, because it went from the broadness of Kalos to the specific-ness of South Boulveard without the bridge of Lumiose City, if that metaphor makes sense.

But good job with expanding Lumiose City.

All the townhouses

This feels a bit awkward without an "of" before "the", but it might also be grammatically correct, I'm not 100% sure.

All the townhouses were old and beige with a dormer window on a blue roof. They also have large or small balconies situated on the third floor. Some have them on the top windows.

Tense change again.

He had cerebral palsy as he cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around.

I'm not a doctor/expert on cerebral palsy, so I'll leave that to someone who's more knowledgeable. What I can say, however, is that there's a mid-sentence tense change.

When it’s morning, he would get himself out of bed and change his pajamas into his clothes.

The wording of this makes it sound like he's transforming his pajamas into his clothes with magic or something. I don't think that's what you're going for, so I would reword it as:
he would get himself out of bed and change out of his pajamas and into his clothes.

Also tense change.

South Boulevard had plenty of school buildings, medical facilities and offices. South Boulevard also has its own clothing shops, food stores and household goods.

Tense change, but I like the expanding of South Boulevard.

pokemon

Pokémon should be capitalized (it should also have an accent over the e, but since some people might not be able to do that so easily, I'll let it slide).

He had prefer sleepy towns over big bustling cities.

The wording of this sentence is a bit awkward. I would reword it as:
He had always preferred sleepy towns over big bustling cities.

However, he couldn't help but linger over what happened last week…

"Had" before "happened".

Also oooh mysterious flashback time.

“Where are you going?!” Zack shouted. The mysterious figure didn’t respond and just kept on going.

“Come back here!” Zack shouted once more, chasing after his pokemon.

This scene is a bit confusing. At first, I thought the mysterious figure was, say, a wild Pokémon, only to realize that it was one of Zack's Pokémon. This could be best remedied by not using the term "mysterious Pokémon".

“I can’t believe it…” Zack said as his eyes started to water up. “I’ve been abandoned by my own pokemon…”

Oooooh what happened that led to Zack's Pokémon abandoning him? Who is this Pokémon?

He got so lost in his own thoughts and memories that he didn’t know his tears were dripping on the page,

"The page" is a weird phrase to use, since a book(?) hasn't been established, much less a page in the book.

You don't deserve to be a pokemon trainer after what you did….

Oh no what did he do

Was he and his partner really that uncompatible?

It should be "Were he".

Maybe he wasn't good enough to be a pokemon trainer at all?

I don't know if this is a question or a possibility statement. If it's the latter, that quesiton mark should be a period.

He began to wonder if his remaining pokemon wanted to do with him after ‘what he did’.

This sentence feels a bit awkward.

Then the volcano inside was his anger, ready to erupt in all of glory.

This one does too, but I like the metaphor.

His emerald green eyes blazing with rage, his tears flowing right out of his eyes.

His emerald green eyes blazed with rage, and tears flowed out of his eyes.

Images and voices ran through his head, starting with a loud scream. There were images of an unknown black silhouette creature that roars angrily into the night sky. Zack was surrounded in orange and yellow hot flames. He felt like he was trapped in a fire. His breath was getting shorter and shorter. His heart was racing. He was on the verge of having a panic attack.

Yeah, I can sort of relate to this, speaking from personal experience, though I know that different people experience/describe panic attacks in different ways. Interesting description and imagery of/simile to fire. Makes me wonder just how big this event that led to Zack's Pokémon leaving was.

"Roars" should be "roared".

“I don’t think I want a new partner just yet. I’m still hurt and I don’t know how long I’ll move on from this.”

There should be a comma after "hurt".

Daphne, the Flabebe let out a low sympathetic cry.

Comma after "Flabébé".

What Zack doesn’t know is that Daphne has a different opinion on Zack’s partner.

Tense change.

Daphne was secretly happy that her trainer’s old partner was gone for good. She didn’t want to hurt Zack’s feelings so she had to hide her celebration of her so-called friend’s permanent absence.

Comma after "feelings".

Oooh why did Daphne not like Zack's other Pokémon.

She could see vague images of a small, shadowy figure looming over her. Daphne was hiding in a corner and the shadow figure stared at her with narrow eyes. Just thinking about it made her want to cry and cower inside Zack’s hands. She can’t stand to see Zack cry over his ex-partner.

Abuse subtext perhaps?

This is a good start, though my biggest criticism is that the story doesn't have a consistent tense. Either stick to present tense or past tense.

There's some vagueness. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's not to say that I don't like the story. Aside from the things I mentioned, it's a pretty good read, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

 

[creativelover93]

Admittedly, I'm not very good when it comes to past and present tense. Don't know why I mixed them all up. I should try not to do it so much in the next chapter. I'll captailize pokemon, add the word the pokemon center and put the accent e next time. I should delete the word page because I forgot to delete it when I was posting this.

creativelover93 said:
He had cerebral palsy as he cannot walk and has to be in a wheelchair to get around.

I'm not a doctor/expert on cerebral palsy, so I'll leave that to someone who's more knowledgeable. What I can say, however, is that there's a mid-sentence tense change.

Me either, but sometimes it's hard to research things. Some people Cerebral Palsy can talk and some can't. I met people in wheelchairs in all forms. I could've make it vauge.

Oooh why did Daphne not like Zack's other Pokémon.

It will probably get a bit explained in the next chapter.

creativelover93 said:
She could see vague images of a small, shadowy figure looming over her. Daphne was hiding in a corner and the shadow figure stared at her with narrow eyes. Just thinking about it made her want to cry and cower inside Zack’s hands. She can’t stand to see Zack cry over his ex-partner.

Abuse subtext perhaps?

You're going to have to wait and see.

creativelover93 said:
You don't deserve to be a pokemon trainer after what you did….

Oh no what did he do

That was from his own thoughts. Should've wrote that he said it in his own thoughts so the readers can tell it was Zack.

I will upload this story to A03 with the fixed verison and fix chapter one sometime later. Thanks for the criticism, Torchic!

 

[System Error]

- The people have slushies on the mind
- Rolling? He a ball or riding something? Might wanna specify wheelchair sooner
- He was awed by stuff ahead of her? Either he's genderfluid, or that's a typo.
- No sense of direction and knowing things from memory from the looks of it if he can't find his way around a city he lives in
- Wow that turned dark. Also referencing mysterious incident
- Well that is some metal imagery.
- Omniscient third person huh? Could work. Wouldn't know this flower is yandere otherwise. Also the dark figure continues to be dark

They say true artists have to suffer and this dude suffered. Let's see where it goes from here.