• Magnificent Entertainer supercharges his team with some new TMs. Watch here as he wishes that the player character was wearing a trench coat.

Ash Ketchum's Story

Don't Look Away
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The chapters are getting longer and you seem to be adding more description to it however you still lack a proper plot it just seems like you're going through anime scenarios at times.
 
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Grr...I'm trying to make it longer but I dont know how to make you people happy.
 
I feel so much spring...
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Pretty much poured everything you'll need in my first post. So I'm done with this story.
 
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Why do you have to say it like that? Just don't come back. No need to be a jerk about it.
 
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Why do you have to say it like that? Just don't come back. No need to be a jerk about it.
No one is being a jerk.

They could be more polite about their advice, and I don't think it's necessary to tell people that "I'm done with this story," but the point is that they are giving you helpful advice about your fic and you don't seem to be giving it serious consideration.

That being said, I do see improvement in your chapters as they go. But it's not enough to simply make them longer.

My advice: describe what's going on more. What's going on around Ash and Pikachu? What is the weather like? How does what Ash sees around him make him feel? That kind of stuff.

Don't get discouraged. Everyone starts on their own level and as long as you work to improve, you are doing well in my book.
 
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*shrug* Could be worse, you know. It could have been a troll fic. Thankfully, it is not.
 
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Chapter 6

Misty was surprised to see Ash but then she hugged him.

She never saw him for years after they split up in Kanto years ago.

"How are you? It's been so long."

"I'm good aren't we Pikachu?"

"Pikachupi!"

Misty giggled. She looked the same with her yellow shirt and jeans shorts with suspenders. She petted Pikachu and smiled to be back with her friend.

"Ash. There's been something I want to tell you."

"What is it Misty?"

"I uh hve a boyfriend now."

Ash did not know how to cope with this. He didn't want to see sad so he smiled.

"Boyfriend huh. That's great."

"It's Brock."

"Brock!"

Misty blushed and smiled. She looked uncomfortable.

"Yeah, me and Brock got close last year and he asked me to go with him."

Ash was shocked and did not know what to say.

"Well where is Brock then? I haven't seen him in years."

Just then Brock appeared from behind a bush.

"Hi Ash!"
 
I want to rp!
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I got some hints for roleplaying, but I think they should work for regular stories, too.

1. One is to describe how a person (Ash or Misty in your case) thinks and feels. Is the person angry or sad? Does he like the weather? Does he feel like hitting someone in the face? What he feels within does not have to be known by others in his surroundings; it depends on if he shows his feelings or talk about them.

2. Next is to describe how he behaves, that is what other people will notice about him. Is he violent or does he sit still and is calm? Does he walk around with his hands in his pockets or behind his back etc.? How the person behaves will affect other people's views of him. He might be violent or cold in manners and people think he is tough, but in his feelings (see above) he may be sad and uncertain. You can describe a person having a confident look in his eyes (because I think eyes are good when describing what people see about a person) or you can have him smoke a cigarette to make him look tougher. What people do can give a picture of what they are like. It's good if you throw in something about the person's appearance and clothing, for instance "he had a confident look in his dark eyes" or "he put his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans", etc.

3. Then, in your story, you also have to describe the environment your characters are in. This is very important. A description of the surroundings can be about the weather; does the sun shine or is it raining? It can also be about other people; does the neighbour next door make a lot of noise? The surroundings can be how the person experiences it. So, the weather can be stormy for Ash. But if you then describe Misty's view of it, the weather can be cooling and nice. They can both agree that there are strong winds, but they experience it differently.

Here's an example of a part of a story:

"I do-don't know where I come from." Hideki sounded reluctant. He was taking steps backward until his back met the wall of the enormous hall, whilst he looked round at the strangers in the white coats. He felt so frightened and confused.

That Hideki sounds unsure and takes steps backwards is a behaviour (2) and probably a sign of him being afraid. He is in a large hall where there are people (3) and he feels afraid and confused (1). If the person's behaviour describes his feelings well, then you don't really have to describe the feelings. So, perhaps I hadn't needed to explain he was frightened and confused, because you'll know how he feels when he's stammering and steps back.

I hope any of this will help. I divided descriptions into 1: feelings, 2: behaviour and 3: surroundings, so it is easier to look up in case you feel you are missing something. When you write, try to get a picture in your mind, like a movie, and describe everything you see, so that the readers will have a similar picture in their minds when they read the story. It is easy to leave out parts when you are in a hurry of putting it on paper or on the screen, but you can always go back and edit where you think your story lacks detail. And as others have already said in their posted comments, read other stories. You can read fanfics here or you can read books that's been published. I've discovered myself that I learn a lot from reading other people's work. And, of course, you learn a lot by writing yourself, like in any other area, you have to train to get better.

So, good luck to your writing!
 
BAM
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So you do have potential. I'll give you that, but if your being serious about writing then you have a lot of work ahead of you.
First of all, you need to stop being a brat and throwing a temper tantrum every time someone gives you constructive criticism. They aren't taking their own time to critique you just to be "mean" they're trying to genuinely take the time and give you advice and help. When you tell them they're "jerks" your just being straight up disrespectful to people who are willing to help you and it makes seem immature, which will make no one take you serious as a writer.

So the length is definitely an issue but that's already been told to you, so I'm not going to go into detail with that.

You really need to work on your grammar and spelling. One thing you should NEVER do, is use "text talk" which is abbreviating your words for the sake of shorting your writing time. This comes off as lazy and makes you look like your not taking your writing seriously. (Ex: “Cum” instead of “Come“, the difference in spelling can also give it a different meaning.)

You really need to improve on your vocabulary, repetition of the same words get boring.

Giving detail into ALL of what your writing will help greatly.

Honestly there is a little to much of your Pokémon dialogue... it takes up about half of most of your chapters and since your chapters are already short it give very little in plot and development.

And lastly it seems like your just retelling a the story that we all already know. If your going to use a well-known character(s) such as Ash, Misty, etc... then you should try making your storyline original and stay away from going the same path as the anime because we all ready know that story and don't need or want to be told it again.

This could be a good story worth reading, but you need to work hard, take it seriously, use correct English, and try and use the criticism that people are taking the time to give you. Right now, I wouldn't call it a story, It's more of the base idea to a story.
 
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Ok thanks.

I'm trying to not to tantrum as you say but I still don't get why people don't tell other authors that they need to improve all the time just me. Unfair of your ask me.

I might have to leave this place.
 
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Uh wow so much to be said. Apparently sugar-coating things for you to ingest only makes you fatter and more obstinate. So here's the deal plain and simple-like. You are not trying. It's obvious. I'm not sure why you're putting this story up here. There's no planning, no purpose, no meat, nothing. If you are trying you're just going to have to own up to the fact that you suck. But I don't believe that's true, really. I don't. You're obviously intelligent enough to put together coherent sentences so why can't you put together the criticisms given to you to actually improve?

Other writers aren't constantly being criticized because they listen to the criticisms first and fix things. When things improve, they don't need constant correction. Thats when recognition and praise is warrented. You've not warrented any recognition or praise that you think you're deserving of because there has been no improvement.

My advice? Go away. Just do it. I invite you to come back when you actually have a story planned out and aren't just floozying around with nonsense based on the anime.
 
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And you will keep hating this forum until you improve your writing. For now, I say leave for awhile, take some writing lessons to better your skills, take peoples advice even if they criticize you, and don't complain about it! Suck it up like a man.

Now, go!
 
russian ghost
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hon, please, take a book off the shelf, read it, now look back at your writing. do you realize how wrong it is? i mean, yes, the chapters are getting longer, but there is no description, no meaning, i don't even know where the plot is going.

and i know you want to be a respected author, but look at me, i only write for the fun of it, and because i have passion and i have a goal to be an actual author someday. popularity means nothing, in my opinion. but, take the criticism here for heart. not everyone is going to be nice in the world, and these critiques will help you. when i was eleven and first started writing, i was like you. i didn't have a clue what i was doing, other than i wanted to write a story down. read books, or fan-fictions here to see how they capture the mood. take note of description and the characters. now, i'm not saying to copy what the people do, but LEARN from them. copying is the same as tracing something on a piece of paper. it won't get you anywhere.

other than that, this story could have potential if you listen and take to heart what the people here are saying. don't give up.
 
The Greatest Pokémon Ranger
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Alright, so I finally decided to look at this and I can say that I agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said. However, I'll lay this out for you in a bullet point fashion to easily illustrate what this fic is lacking to make it good.

  • Description
  • Pacing
  • a steady flow of dialogue
  • details in the plot
  • character depth
  • original ideas

Now, all of those are rather key parts to any good story. I suggest sitting back, thinking about what you want this story to become, and try to see just what you can make of it. There's a spark, but a weak one. It needs a lot more oomph in order to become a blaze.
 
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And you will keep hating this forum until you improve your writing. For now, I say leave for awhile, take some writing lessons to better your skills, take peoples advice even if they criticize you, and don't complain about it! Suck it up like a man.

Now, go!
Uh wow so much to be said. Apparently sugar-coating things for you to ingest only makes you fatter and more obstinate. So here's the deal plain and simple-like. You are not trying. It's obvious. I'm not sure why you're putting this story up here. There's no planning, no purpose, no meat, nothing. If you are trying you're just going to have to own up to the fact that you suck. But I don't believe that's true, really. I don't. You're obviously intelligent enough to put together coherent sentences so why can't you put together the criticisms given to you to actually improve?

Other writers aren't constantly being criticized because they listen to the criticisms first and fix things. When things improve, they don't need constant correction. Thats when recognition and praise is warrented. You've not warrented any recognition or praise that you think you're deserving of because there has been no improvement.

My advice? Go away. Just do it. I invite you to come back when you actually have a story planned out and aren't just floozying around with nonsense based on the anime.
No, do not "go away."

Do not tell people to go away just because you think their fic is not up to snuff, regardless of whether or not they seem to be ignoring your advice for improvement.

@CyberPika, please though, please understand that people are posting on your fic trying to offer you advice. If you truly want to attain the success that you seem to, please just try to take people's advice and try implementing it in your writing.

Just please try to understand that people are not trying to be mean when they give you pointers.
 
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^ Okay, I guess you're right Legacy. Still, taking some writing lessons could help quite a bit. It worked for me! :)
 
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Okay good advice sir. I will stay.

Chapter 7

Ash was so surprise to be suddenly with his old friends again. He felt a sense of warmth and memories when standing with Misty and Brock.

On another hand though he felt a little hurt and left out to hear that Brock and Misty was now a couple. He felt like they had there own life now and did not need him.

"So what brings you here?" Brock ask.

"Yeah I thought you were in Unova." Misty added.

"Well I was but I came back home."

Ash remembered Professor Oak and again worried about the danger he was in.

"Guys! I forgot to tell you that Professor Oak is in trouble!"

"What kind of trouble?"

"I don't know. He left a note. I think somebody kiddnaped him!"

"That's terrible!"

"Pika!"

So Ash and Misty and Brock along with Pikachu all ran off together to try to look for clues about where Oak could be.

Since the moment was so tense the trio did not have time to think about how they were together once again for a journey like old times. They finally made their way through the forest and to Brock hometown of Pewter City where they met up with Brock's brother Forest at the Pewter Gym.

"Forest" Brock commanded.

"What's up big brother?"

"We need you to call the police and tell them that Professor Oak is missing!"

"Right away!"

Brock also said "And we will need that new special Pokemon to help us find Oak. Is it ready."

"No it's not ready. I'm still doing some tests."

"There's no time!"

"Fine here."

Forest handed Brock a red and white Pokeball. Brock took it and put it in his pack.

"Who that Pokemon?" Ash said always curious about Pokemon.

"You will see. Now cum on! We gotta find Oak!"

"Were do we start?" Misty said.

"I think I might know where he is" Brock said.

"let's go!"
 
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-.- its the same things you are lacking as before. you should have described Forest, Ash, Brock and Misty seeing how this is five years later. make the "running threw the forest" a bit longer like describing like how they felt know the oak was missing (ie: what were they thinking? what sound were in the back round?) and describe Pewter City because, again its five years into the future.
 
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