• Magnificent Entertainer barges into the Pastoria Gym, intent on getting his fifth Badge. Watch here as he chases some Team Galactic dingbat and yells at the police again.

Ash Ketchum's Story

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Who knows? Someday, you might consider yourself "the very bet that noone ever was"!
 
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I have been following this story and you have been getting better for a while. So keep up this uphill streak and you can be one of the best.
Agreed. Look at Chapter One and look at the difference between that and your latest chapter. Very good improvement.

You still could improve on your level of description and detail when showing what is happening in the world around Ash and his friends. Give us, the readers, more detail about what's happening and you should be fine.

Good job on the improvement though. Keep it up and try to make each chapter better than the last :)
 
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Time for me to admit.

I'm... pleased to see progress. I was initially upset with this for a variety of reasons, but now I finally see effort on your part, and I'm happy to say so.

Honestly, the main reason I was upset was because I thought this was a trollfic, and it was terrible watching people pour themselves and their criticism into it to try to make it better. However, in light of this new evidence otherwise, I'd like to say well done, Pika, and my apologies.

And I wasn't telling you to go away because your fic wasn't good enough. I told you to go away because earlier, you said you might have to leave because of criticisms. I figured you were just being a quitter, and I really did just want you to go away after that.

Once again, I apologize, and I'm glad to see your writing improve.

I'm glad you stuck it out past the frustration that made you want to quit. That said, now my best advice to you is going to be: finish it. See this story all the way through to the end. Don't dare stop in the middle of progress.
 
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Ok thank you for saying that I have improved. I am trying hard to write these chapters better. I write a bunch then I go back and read it to see if it sounds dumb. If it does I re do some of it.


Chapter 10

"Well we got to go to Celadon City then."

Ash with Misty and Brock walked around the dirt road from Cerulean City to the next town. Ash had on a red and white backpack. Misty had one too but here's was blue and Brock had a big backpack with cooking supplied like he always did. "Sure feels like the good old days right."

Ash looked and smiled at his friends like theta were treasures that he had lost and found again. He missed those days when he and Pikachu and his friends journeyed all over the Pokemon World. Those adventures had been the best part of his life with so many memories and friends he made.

All of a sudden a strange Pokemon jumped out of the green and leafy bushes to the side of the road they were walking on. The Pokemon was a bug Pokemon. It was a Scolipede! It was long like a snake and had many legs and nasty sharp claws near its neck. It looked like nothing Ash had ever seen before.

"Who's that Pokemon?" Ash pointed and yelled in surprise.

"That's a Scolipede! But whats it doing here in Kanto Region? Those are only supposed to be in Unova."

Brock told Ash that it was a Scolipede. He was always really smart about Pokemon since he was a great Pokemon breeder. Ash always thought of Brock as a big brother not just a friend. Brock had been there for Ash and traveled with him for years and for that, Ash was truely greatful. He always would be.

All of a sudden the Scolipede attacked.

" Scoli!" The Pokemon yelled. Then it tried to hit Milo with a aggressive punch. It was stronger than anyhog Ash, Brock and Misty have ever seen. It was not a normal wild Pokemon and also it wasn't a native Pokemon to the Kanto Region.

But why was it here? Ash took off his hat and scrached his head to think. But he didn't have time to think. Pikachu jumped up and lightning came from his cheeks as he got ready.

"Pika!" Pikachu was ready and jumped in the air and shot some lightning at the Scolipede. The Pokemon got burned as crisp as Professor Oak's cooking and it smelled burned too. It fell down on the ground.

"Good job Pikachu!"

"Pikapi Pika!"

Brock said, "Any idea how that Pokemon got here?" Misty answered.

"No idea. But someone had to bring him into the region. But who would do such a thing?"

Ash just calmly caught the Scolipede with a Pokeball and looked intense and staters up into the sky. "I gotta find out who brought this wierd Pokemon here. Maybe it has something to do with the people who kidnapped Professor Oak!"

Misty smiled when Ash did this. He was always acting like a hero even when they were kids. Misty thought Ash looked the same as he always did. And Brock thought so too. Their friend Ash was older and not as scrawny but still the same old Ash with his dark brown eyes that sparkled in excitement. Misty loved Brock but something happened a little when she saw Ash. She didn't know what.
 
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this a great improvment. though, and dont take this the wrong way, it seems as thoughyou can add to it to make it flow easier. not that it has to be longer, but the story still doesnt have an omph to it yet. you should make the story end with a cliff hanger so that the reader can want to read more. great improvement though!
 
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Well you seem to have improved at least. I mean you're using more description than before even if it's still a little simple and to the point but one step at a time is best. However you still have spelling mistakes so you should check and edit those.
 
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And here comes the Pokeshipping! :)

Good chapter. Like Haze said though, watch out for the grammar and spelling mistakes. And maybe describe a little more in certain areas like when someone speaks. Overall though you are getting much better. Good work.
 
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Ok thank you eeryone.

I will work on the next chapter now.
 
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Who knows? Someday, you might consider yourself "the very bet that noone ever was"!
(Moderator voice active) Be careful what you say here as flaming and baiting warnings and infractions have been given out in this topic(Moderator voice off)

-----------

On that note, you have improved dramatically from your first post. While I do agree you could use more detail, things are improving.
 
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Who knows? Someday, you might consider yourself "the very bet that noone ever was"!
(Moderator voice active) Be careful what you say here as flaming and baiting warnings and infractions have been given out in this topic(Moderator voice off)

-----------

On that note, you have improved dramatically from your first post. While I do agree you could use more detail, things are improving.
Did... did I say something wrong?
 
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really good improvement here. the only problem now is some grammar issues. there aren't commas when needed, and some of the sentences aren't properly worded.
 
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Who knows? Someday, you might consider yourself "the very bet that noone ever was"!
(Moderator voice active) Be careful what you say here as flaming and baiting warnings and infractions have been given out in this topic(Moderator voice off)

-----------

On that note, you have improved dramatically from your first post. While I do agree you could use more detail, things are improving.
Did... did I say something wrong?
Sort of. There were some insults being thrown around earlier in the topic and your post could be considered mocking so you may want to watch how you word things.
 
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Ok thank you. I had my cousin look at this next chapter and he helped me edit it. Is that allowed?

Chapter 11

The stars over them twinkled like a million beautiful diamonds in the sky. The air was cool but not too cold. Brock had built a good fire and Ash and Misty joined him as the trio camped out like they had done many times before.

Ash sat alone on a log while Brock and Misty cuddled close on the Brock's sleeping bag. Something about seeing the two friends cuddling made Ash mad but he ignored it the best he could do.

"So, what's our plan?" said Ash.

"We still do not know where that weird Pokemon came from or how it got to Kanto since it is supposed to be from Unova. I think we should try to find someone who knows."

"We should ask Professor Pine. He lives in Vermillon City. It is not far away" Misty said.

"Good idea! She is an expert on strange Pokemon and she is from Unova so she will know."

"Vermillion City is not far from here!" Ash was excited.

"We should eat and get some sleep and go there in the morning. It is too dark to travel any longer tonight."

Ash agreed and the trio filled their tummies with some of Brock's signature cooking. He still had skills with culinary like Ash remembered. It wasn't a surprise that Misty had started to date Brock.

Suddenly a million questions started to flood his mind. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the answers. Like, where did Misty and Brock go on their first date? Have they kissed underneath the stars yet? Have they...done it yet?

And most importantly although Ash would never ask would Misty be with Brock at all of Ash would have had the courage to ask her out before? Years ago, when Misty said goodbye to him in after their Kanto and Johto journeys Ash felt like he would one day want to marry Misty. He was confused because he was young but he always knew that he loved her.

He decided not to ask any questions so the mood would not get uncomfortable. Instead Ash ate the food Brock made and tried to sound interested in what Brock and Misty told them about there lives.

"What about you Ash?" Misty said after a while.

"Yeah what have you been up to?" Brock added.

"Well you know me. Still trying to be a Pokemon Master like always."

"Pika!" Pikachu called happy.

Suddenly though, the trio was interrupted by a loud roar. Misty jumped into Brock's arms and whimpered.

Out of the trees jumped out a huge Emboar!

"What is that thing?!"

"It's an Emboar! Another Unova Pokemon!"

The huge fire Pokemon blew black smoke from its snout and roared again. It had bright yellow and black skin and beady eyes that looked furious.

"What do we do?"

"Misty, quick! Call out your water types!"

"Right! Go Starme!"

"Kyaaaaa!" The star shaped Pokemon yelled.

"You too Squirtle!" Ash threw out his Pokeball too.

The two water types were small compared to the huge fire Pokemon but Ash didn't worry.

"Squirtle Water Gun!"

"Starmie do the same!"

The two Pokemon squirted large water jets at the Emboar who flinched from the cold water sizzle. It roared angrily and ran off into the trees. Brock and Misty breathed a sign of relief.

"Whew, that was close."

"Yeah, but another Unova Pokemon. Where do they keep coming from?"

"That's what we have to find out."

So with their minds still wondering what was going on Ash, Misty, and Brock got into there sleeping bags and drifted off to sleep. Pikachu layed with Ash, but Ash wasn't tired.

He was beginning to think he knew where all year Unova Pokemon were coming from and why they were here.
 
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This is impressive. I mean, the amount of improvement this story and your writing has went through is really something. Keep up the good work.
 
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Yes, @CyberPika, you are allowed to have others look over your fic as beta-readers. You are still missing some correct punctuation and your flow and level of complexity and flow in your writing could improve, but yes, overall the improvement we have seen from you is very impressive.

If you continue to improve at that rate, I see great things for you, not only here, but in your academic and real life situations as well.
 
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Again you are improving aside from some grammar and punctuation mistakes it was good. I really liked the Professor Pine part
 
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Ok thank you. I am going to work on grammar and stuff. My brother has a grammar book from school I can look at to help.
 
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Chapter 11

Ash awoke to the smell of the charred remains if last night's fire. The sun was just beginning to peak above the horizon of the purple and orange morning sky.

Ash breathed in a lung full of crisp sweet smelling air and stretched. He noticed Misty and Brock still sleeping and boldin hands in separate sleepin bags. Ash was torn. On one hand he felt glad that his friends seemed so happy together but he also felt a hint of jealousy since Misty looked very beautiful with her red hair down running down her face.

Pikachu woke up too. He called out happily to Ash who picked the Pokemon up and they went down to the nearby stream to wash up and collect more fire wood.

"Misty and Brock sure do seem happy don't they Buddy?"

"Pika!"

"They don't need me ."

"Pi?"

"Maybe we should leave them alone? They probably want to be alone and enjoy the romance don't you think?"

"Pika?"

Ash just laughed. He didn't know what to do. After he washed he walked slow back to the camp without trying to step on any loud branches to wake Misty and Brock.

Suddenly though another loud roar came from the forest and a huge Pokemon jumped out and swiped at Ash with huge claws. It was the same Emboar!

"Pikachu! Thunderbolt now!"

Pikachu did as he was told and shot a thunderous shot of lightning at Emboar but this time Emboar wasn't effected at all. The lightning just bounced off it!

"What the?!"

"Pika?!"

Suddenly an evil laugh came from behind them. Ash turned around saw the person he never thought he would ever see again.

"You!"

The mysterious owner of the Emboar just laughed some more and stepped towards Ash with a gun pointed.

"Ash, your Pikachu won't work against my new and improved Emboar! Now you are coming with me!"

"Never!"

"You don't have a choice!"

And mysterious man shot the gun at Ash and out of the gun came a big net that flew and trapped Ash underneath it. Again Pikachu tried to shoot lightning at the man, but it was no use. The man was wearin rubber boots and a rubber shirt and rubber blocks electricity!

"Hahaha! Now, let's go!"

Emboar grabbed the net with Ash in it an the mysterious trainer hauled Ash into the forest.
 
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