TEEN: Awesomenauts: Starstorm

[Supreme Leader Palpitoad]

So, I decided to put up a new fanfic. This one is based on a a game named Awesomenauts made by Ronimo. Most characters and places including the main characters are from that game. And also part of the story is from there, since every character has their own backstory which I sometimes use. And now lets start off:
” Awesomenauts: Starstorm

Prologue: The Station Awakes

Shadow lay over the silent rooms in the old space station. Big piles of junk laid everywhere. An unexpected sound broke the silence when a green little hand stretched out and took one of the electric light bulb from the scrap. The character which the hand belonged to lift the light bulb towards his face and gave it a judging look.
”Too big” the creature muttered, throwing the lamp aside. He got terrified when it smashed against the floor, not realising what it was and looked around, bewildered, before he realised what had made the sound.
”Only the light bulb” he said and slowly relaxed again before continuing searching among the scrap that no one else but he would ever want. He was a green little alien, stationed on a hoverboard with a sawblade attached to the bottom. He only wore a loincloth around his waist and green tentacle-like things hanged from his head.
”Skree needs to find something nice” he said to himself. ”Skrees gods demand it and Skree dont want to make gods disappointed”.
He threw several things, including old guns, broken cables, pieces of the walls and doors and a rubber duck aside before finaly finding a bigger light bulb.
”Dis is nice mon” Skree said to himself and gave it a critical look. ”Skree can use it.” The little alien started his hoverboard and sliently started to fly through the empty corridors of the big space station called Starstorm. He flew past broken walls with electric cables hanging out of them. Skree got through an empty door opening and studied what was lefty of the door on the floor. ”Now da dangerous part begins” he said quietly. Protect Skree, gods he thought. He flew through the remains of the corridor and saw the thing that worried him.
It was a big hole in the wall, straight out to open space. The hole was in the floor too, and the opening was at least ten meters long. Skree could never jump over that hole and he was happy he had his hoverboard. But it was still risky to get over. The green alien had to increase the speed of the hoverboard to max to get over before he got sucked out in space.
And that is what hed did.
Skree felt how he flew forward with blazing speed, saw the hole getting closer and closer. And then he got there. The hoverboard moved over the hole, flew over the space over him. The gravity pulled him towards the hole, towards the space, but the board pulled him forward, to safety. Come on. Just a bit more. Come on. And then, the gravity stopped pulling him and he moved forward through the corridors again. Skree sighed with relief. He had made it again. Thank you, gods.
Skree flew in through an opening in the wall (another broken door opening) and slowed down the speed of the hoverboard. He had left the corridors close to the outside and moved in through the depths of the Starstorm station. After some turning and more flying, Skree reached his goal. He flew towards a door which was still in place and working. He pressed a button at the wall and the door opened, revealing the room which was the home of both Skree and his favorite gods.
The gods were big, originallys hut down robots which Skree had made altars for. There were five of them in the room. Skree flew against one of them.
”Here ya go King” he said and bowed to his self-made scrap-god. ”Skree has a gift for ya, mon.”
King, who looked like a big, human creature with one big leg instead of two smaller and a huge lightning rod in his hand, did not answer. He never did though so Skree did not think about the lack of answers. Instead he put the light bulb at Kings head. It fell off almost immeaditly and Skree was lucky to catch it in time.”Close mon” he muttered. He was not sure of wether he talked to himself or to King but it did not matter. ”Skree will need to make a a necklage. And then Skree needs a string of some sorts.” He looked at Kings face and said:
”Dont worry mighty god. Skree will soon return with an even better gift.”
He bowed and flew out from the room and moved around most of the space base, checking for a string. Finally, after almost an hour he found one, in the control room.
”Look at dis” he said and looked at the string, which was buried under a big pile of metal junk. ”It looks okay to Skree. Skree will give it to gods!”
He pulled the string, but it was stuck. He pulled even more, but did not manage to get it lose from the junk over it. ”Skree wants da string!” Skree screamed and pulled as hard as he could. The string flew out, but the force in Skrees pull made the metal junk fall over.
”Aaaaagh!” Skree screamed and flew aside. The junk fell over and crashed on the control panel with a high sound of metal slamming against something.
Skree sighed. ”Dat was close mon” he said, relieved before a sound of sirens began in the room.
”What is dis?” Skree shouted, panicked. Red lights lighted up the room and Skree blocked his eyes with his hands. ”Not good, not good, not good” he said. ”The wrath of the gods are upon Skree!”
He removed the hands from the eyes and peered at the opening through the strong light. He turned his hoverboard around and flew out from the room. As he moved through the corridors with blazing speed, he heard a computer-voice saying: ”Restarted. Restarted. All robots wake up. The Starstorm station is restarted”.

 

[Supreme Leader Palpitoad]

Chapter 1: Assembling the Awesomenauts

Blabl Zork was the richest creature in the galaxy. He was the president of Zork Industries and earned millions. Usually, he was seen smoking a big cigar. Now he sat behind his desk in his office, smoking the cigar. The office was big and full of lockers in which Blabl kept his earnings and his important papers. There were also big windows from which Blabl could look out at Sunsteel Citys tall buildings and big streets.
“Mr Zork!”
One of Blabls guards entered the room.
“Yes?”
“The Raki system star has been blown up!”
“What?”
“Yeah…”
“Who did it? The Zeroes?”
“Ehh… don’t think so mr Zork.”
Blabl felt very confused. Who else but the zeroes would blow up a star? he asked himself and ignored the fact that the Ones, the faction he was aligned with had blown up many a star.
“Then who was it?”
“I think it was the Starstorm station Mr Zork”.
“THE STARSTORM?” Blabl screamed. “I did not know it worked”.
“Neither did I mr Zork. But obviously it does”.
“And you are sure that it wasn’t the Zeroes?”
“As sure as I can be with the report I got. It consisted of one sentence: The Starstorm has blown up the Riki star.”
“Detailed report” Blabl mumbled, as his focus was on this new information he had. “Thank you. Call for the Awesomenauts. They will have to investigate this”.
“Yes mr Zork” the guard said and disappeared.
The Galaxy had seen many a war and the Starstorm station and been built and abandoned during one of those wars. It had the power to destroy stars.
Blabl himself was part of another war. The fighting factions was the Ones and the Zeroes and the thing they fought over was solar. Solar was very valuable and both factions wanted as much as possible. So they fought over it.
“Mr Zork!” It was the guard again. “The Awesoemnauts are here”.
“Good. Send them in”.
The guard stepped aside and the mercenaries known as the Awesomenauts entered the room. The first who appeared was Raelynn, a woman in her mid-twenties with light-brown hair and a cybernetic eye-patch. She carried her beloved sniper rifle Cuddles with her. After her came Voltar. He was the Awesomenauts field medic and consisted of a brain with eyes. He had a glass helmet over the brain and wore a long cape. The third Awesomenaut was Lonestar, a crazy sheriff who had captured the whole Bovinian population by himself. And lastly came Clunk. Clunk was a robot built for cleaning. Unfortunatly, he had quite the temper and had switched job from cleaner to mercenary. The four Awsomenauts were all quite crazy, but they got the job done. That was the important thing.
“Good day” Blabl said.
“Hello partner!” Lonestar said with his western-voice. “You called for us?”
“Yeah, I did. The Starstorm station is active and working”.
Raelynn looked surprised. “How?”
“I don’t know. Your mission is to secure the station and find out who started it.”
“That could be dangerous, partner” Lonestar said. “What do you pay us?”
“5 000 solar each. That’s a good deal.”
“It could be a whole army in there” Voltar commented. “4 against 10 000. That is some really bad odds”.
Blabl sighed. The Awesomenauts were not exactly cheap. “10 000 each then” he said. But I will not pay you any more than that”.
“Sounds about right, partner!”
“When should we leave?” Raelynn asked.
“Now”.

At the same time Frull the Epic, leader of the Zeroes had got the same message as Blabl about the Starstorm station. He was in a bunker at the planet Ribbit were he pretended to take part in the fighting. It was only propaganda though. All he did was drinking coffee and shoot some pictures. But now, he had called upon the Awesomenauts who worked for him. He wanted them to do the exactly same thing as Blabl wanted his Awesomenauts to do. So now, Yuri, the mad monkey, Leon, a Kremzon assassin, Gnaw, a crazy alien dog like thing and Ayla a psychotic girl with superpowers stood lined up before him.
“Line up soldiers!” Frull screamed. He had his cameramen with him to film when he, as a true leader sent away the Awesomenauts on their mission.
“We know that you are no soldier, Frull” Leon said with his French accent. He looked like a lizard on two legs and one arm. He had lost the other one, but he had a cybernetic arm instead.
“Cut that!” Frull said to his cameracrew, before he turned to the Awesomenauts again.
“The Galaxy is in danger” he said, with his best hero-voice. “The battleship Starstorm has awakened and blown up a star”. I need to remember to tell the promotion team to put in some cool music here. “It might be the Ones, who are controlling the ship”. Now we need some smoke effects. “I will send YOU (he pointed at the Awesomenauts) to investigate! You will get onborad the Starstorm, find out who is there and capture it for the Zeroes!” Some sound effects here would be great TV. “Do You have any questions?”
“Yeah” Leon said. “How much do we get paid?”
“12 000 solar each!” Frull shouted.
Leon nodded. “Sounds okay. We will be on our way in half an hour”.
“Yeah. Good. You better be!” Frull said. He tried to sound threatening and show his muscles in a heroic pose at the same time. Both the voice and the pose became utter failures. Now, Frull turned to the camera.
“To the people in the sytems owned by the Zeroes, I say: WE WILL FIGHT! We will fight for you. We will fight for your planets. And we will fight for the solar! For the Zeroes!”
It was the same speech every time so the people that eventually bothered to listen did only gasp. And when Frull turned to the Awesomenauts, to ask if they liked the speech, he discovered that they were already gone.

 

[GoneGuy]

An interesting start, with a good cast of characters, to a story that has good potential. I'll be keeping an eye on it - however, I would suggest breaking up the text slightly. Maybe, use a double-line gap between paragraphs, a double-click of the 'enter button', to make it more accessible to readers.

Keep it up,
Le meas,
James

 

[Supreme Leader Palpitoad]

Thanks!

 

[AetherX]

Hey! I've never played Awesomenauts, but this story seemed interesting. I've got some suggestions, though. To start, definitely do what Airt said. A full line separating every paragraph (including dialogue) makes things a lot easier to read. Then for scene breaks you can do some kind of symbol like a line of asterisks or something of the sort. Secondly: proofread! I found several typos in what you've written so far that would be pretty apparent in a brief read-through. Try reading what you've written aloud at least one time before you post it. You can find a lot of errors that way, and fixing them would go a long way towards making the story seem more professional and appealing. And that means more readers, which means more feedback, which means more improvement, and everybody wins!

You've done a great job of setting up the characters and setting in just the first chapter. I'm interested in finding out more about these Awesomenauts and their individual characters.

Keep up the good work!

Review Extravaganza 31/50

 

[Supreme Leader Palpitoad]

Hey! I've never played Awesomenauts, but this story seemed interesting. I've got some suggestions, though. To start, definitely do what Airt said. A full line separating every paragraph (including dialogue) makes things a lot easier to read. Then for scene breaks you can do some kind of symbol like a line of asterisks or something of the sort. Secondly: proofread! I found several typos in what you've written so far that would be pretty apparent in a brief read-through. Try reading what you've written aloud at least one time before you post it. You can find a lot of errors that way, and fixing them would go a long way towards making the story seem more professional and appealing. And that means more readers, which means more feedback, which means more improvement, and everybody wins!

You've done a great job of setting up the characters and setting in just the first chapter. I'm interested in finding out more about these Awesomenauts and their individual characters.

Keep up the good work!

Review Extravaganza 31/50

Thank you for your advice!