TEEN: Beautiful Minds

[Treble Tech]

Here it is, my first fic on Bulbagarden! Before we begin, a few points I thought I should cover. This events of this fic are meant to occur in roughly the same time period as those of Pokemon X and Y. However, it is not simply my version of the game's events. The main protagonists will be original characters, and their story will collide with game events at some points, but the focus will remain on them. For that reason, some basic knowledge of the plot of X and Y may help in reading, but I am going to do my best to keep the story accessible to everyone.

I love reviews and criticism, and don't be afraid to be harsh if you feel the need. Seriously, I can take it. I'm always looking to improve my writing, but I'm gonna need help from you to find out what to work on, so feel free to leave any comments you may have.

With that said, just the fact that you're giving this a chance means a lot to me. I hope it entertains you at least a little bit!

Table of Contents:
Prologue - Charred (in this post)
Chapter 1 - Family Days
Chapter 2 (coming soon)

Prologue - Charred​

A flash of light and a thunderous crash shattered the tranquility of the forest, sending the native Pokemon scurrying, flying, fleeing far away from the disturbance. In the center of a charred, dead patch of earth, which was only moments ago a flowering meadow, there lay the mangled remains of a van. One of the back doors had been blown off, and a small Pokemon floated slowly out of the wreckage, a Floette. She moved erratically, with her face contorted into a pained grimace. Unlike most Floette, the white on her body was offset by a dark blue color, rather than the healthy green which most of her species displayed.

“H-hey! Stop!”

The Floette looked over her shoulder at a man near the driver’s seat, unsteadily climbing to his feet. His hair and the suit he wore were both the same color, a fiery orange. Or had been, as the side of the suit was now stained by a steadily growing patch of red. A broken pair of orange sunglasses dangled from his face, useless to cover the desperation in his eyes. Seeing the Floette’s hesitation, he called out again.

“Please! Just wait! I didn’t- nngh!”

The man fell against the side of the van for support, and the Floette turned away. Tightening her grip on the red and black flower she always carried, she began to drift wearily into the surrounding trees. The man watched her as long as he could, until she disappeared into the forest.

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Lysandre stood at the side of the crater, scanning the destruction. His scientists skittered across the burnt earth like ants, taking samples and making measurements. They kicked up pure white ashes as they worked, which floated upwards, giving an unearthly picture of snow falling in reverse. Whenever these ashes encroached upon Lysandre’s dark suit, he quickly brushed them off, watching them drift away from him.

Beside him stood the Team Flare member who had been driving the van, who now had one arm in a sling and bandages wrapped around his chest. The man, who had been fiddling with a loose strand of cloth, snapped to attention as Lysandre turned to face him.

“So… Louis, was it?”

“Uh, y-yes, sir! That’s it.”

“So, Louis, you found the Floette, lured her back to the van, attempted the capture, and when you were about to leave,” Lysandre gestured to the scene with a large sweep of his arm,” this happened.”

“Yes, sir!”

“You’re sure it was the Floette? There wasn’t anything else that could have caused it? Another Pokemon, perhaps?”

“No, sir! Nothing larger than a Fletchinder around, nothing that would have been able to stop me! Well, besides her. Apparently. I’m sorry, sir, I had no idea this would happen! I take full responsibility, but get me back on her track, and I promise I’ll bring her back next time!”

Lysandre considered the pleading man for a minute. Then, with a broad smile cracking his face, he reached out a hand and placed it on Louis’ shoulder. Louis visibly exhaled.

“Louis, let me tell you right now that you have nothing to be sorry for. I should have considered how much power the Eternal Floette could hold. This is my own failure, and no one else’s.” His eyes grew cloudy. “Just another instance of humanity’s shortcomings harming our world. I am very sorry that you had to be the one to make this discovery, and in such a violent fashion, but you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

Louis smiled ruefully and glanced at his injured arm. His eyes snapped back to his superior, who was continuing to speak.

“However, I am afraid I will not be assigning you to the Floette’s capture again. You yourself are to be put on leave from operations so you may heal. Afterwards, you will join the others in preparation of the Weapon. I will be continuing pursuit of the Floette myself.”

The man was about to protest, but before he could, he was interrupted by shrill laughter.

“Hee hee hee! Lysandre, does that mean what I think it means?”

Team Flare’s boss turned and found himself face to face with the one man who could match him in intelligence, his senior scientist, Xerosic. Xerosic was brilliant, true, but Lysandre couldn’t help but feel that he had no vision. He was only ever excited about the opportunity for performing his own research. “Likely. I find that when you think something, Xerosic, it is usually correct.”

The scientist raised a blue-gloved hand and shaded his eyes against the sun. His orange suit contrast starkly with his skin, which was deathly pale. He spoke quickly, barely dropping one word from his mouth before he began another. “Ah, I’ll finally be able to work on that precious Weapon of yours! This is glorious, simply glorious! But, if I may ask, why do you intend to pursue the Floette on your own? I’m sure my researchers can develop something capable of containing-“

“No.” Lysandre beckoned and began walking towards the center of the crater. “Follow me, and allow me to explain.” He glanced over his shoulder at Louis. “You come as well, Louis.”

The three weaved their way among the scientists scribbling notes and staring at small screens which incessantly flashed numbers and values. Eventually, Lysandre stopped at the back of the van, in the center of the destruction. He peered inside, inspecting the torn remnants of a cage. It had been blown open into the shape of a flower, with the metal bars bent away from the inside. Some had completely detached and punctured the sides of the van. “Louis, you said that when the Floette escaped, she looked weak, correct? As if she was in pain?”

“Yes, sir!”

Lysandre ran a hand over the broken, useless hinges where a door used to be. “I think that whatever she did, it does not come without great cost. To herself, and her surroundings. The expense of so much power at once damages her own vitality in addition to the world around her. For that reason, I will be pursuing her alone, and attempting to gain her trust rather than simply capture her.”

Lysandre bent down and picked up a gray object from the ground. It was a small wildflower, or had been one, before the explosion left it burnt and shriveled.

“This flower used to be beautiful. Colorful, and full of life. Now you simply have to look to see what has happened. Its beauty is gone. There is nothing left for it but a burial.” As if to illustrate his point, he snapped the twig in half and let it fall to the earth, where he ground it down with the toe of his boot. “With the Floette we can easily track down AZ, true. We will never operate the Weapon without his key. But another capture attempt would simply destroy more of the beauty that I am trying to save, and risk harming her as well. Our only option is to convince her, and that, I think, will be best attempted alone.”

Louis bent down and peered at the ground. “Yeah, I get it now. Don’t want this whole thing to happen again.” He ran his good hand through the dirt. “Although, even with the flowers gone, it’s still kind of pretty, isn’t it? When you take a close look, there’s a lot of color in the ground here.”

Xerosic bent down beside him. “Oooh, look! See that sparkle? That’s mica, but I’ve never seen that color before. How did it get out here? The soil composition is quite interesting.” He reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out some small vials, which he proceeded to fill with pieces of sediment.

Lysandre sighed and looked down at the two men digging in the dirt. It was a shame, he thought, that so many people look at the world with nothing but their eyes. “It has no vibrancy, no purpose. The rocks are there, but what do they do? The plants had life. They had a role to play. The soil provided them with security, a place to lay their roots. Now the plants are gone, and the rocks are simply rocks. Although we could not help here, it is our duty to make sure Kalos remains beautiful forever, and never loses its purpose.”

Lysandre turned away and began to walk towards the surrounding forest. He called back over his shoulder to Xerosic. “When your scientists are done, Xerosic, we will leave. There is nothing but failure here for us.”

“Yes, of course, sir. Oh, is that a fossil? Hee hee!”

“Give it here, doc, I want to see!”

“Don’t call me that. I’m a man of science! And I will be known as such.”

The voices faded into the background before disappearing altogether as Lysandre was swallowed up by the forest. It was known as the Winding Woods for a reason. Getting lost on the labyrinthine trails was easy in there, and at the moment, Lysandre thought it would be something of a blessing.

As he wandered, Lysandre began to think. A legend he had heard once stated that there was a village deep in this forest where Pokemon who had been harmed by humans could seek refuge. He thought that if such a place existed, it must be quite large. Massive, even. Visiting would be quite the experience; perhaps it warranted a search sometime soon. He had already seen evidence of one legend that very day. Considering the possibility of another was not difficult at all.

He stopped and sat down against a tree, leaning his head back against the bark. His hair, pressed against the tree, pushed upwards like flames creeping their way upwards into the canopy. As Lysandre closed his eyes, the sounds of Pokemon cries and the scents of the forest enveloped him, lulling him into a deep reverie.

He couldn’t help but feel that this search for the Floette would be quite interesting. Plus, it would keep him occupied away from towns and cities. Returning to Lysandre Labs and the public eye drained him more and more each time, and frankly paled in comparison to the glory of his mission. Team Flare could provide some sanctuary from society, true, but it had to be kept secret. The search for Floette could easily be passed off as a vacation, or health trip. In the end, he figured, that may very well be what it is. After all, a man can only suffer a world of fools for so long before he begins to feel he is going insane.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, since I needed a bit of a break I might as well have a read

Technical Accuracy/Style
I didn't notice any technical errors, so we can get that out of the way. Oh, wait, I tell a lie. You missed the space after the last full stop. And now I look again, I think there was a extra line break in there. Just worth taking another look at it at some point. Stylistically, it's fine. Lysandre's voice is a bit on the pompous side, but I suppose that's canon.

Story
I've never been a fan of straight re-tellings of the canon events even if the protagonists are replaced with OCs so I'm wondering what you'll come up with here. The XY canon is a little awkward to work with, in my opinion, because it's so silly even for a main game story.

Setting
Adequate for a prologue. You may well have picked up - or will do soon - that I'm crazy for worldbuilding and real detail in a world. Storm Island and Lucky Egg are both good examples of what I mean by that.

Characters
As far as I recall, Lysandre in the game has a pompous streak and a rather bizarre idea of what a beautiful world looks like (I always wondered what he'd make of the red-in-tooth-and-claw aspect of nature). Other than that, like so so many first chapters there's not a lot to say on this point

Final Thoughts
Overall, not a bad start. With first chapters there's the odd thing that only big flaws give much to talk about because the positives really need a few chapters to grow

 

[Flaze]

Well if you don't mind harsh words then I'll be the first one to say your story sucks

No I'm just kidding, I actually think it was a nice start. There's not really much description to the chapter itself in regards to what happens but since it all takes place in one area it's not something that takes too much from it, that is something you'll have to keep focus on for later though. Second are the few mistakes I noticed that Pavell already pointed out, aside from that it was pretty well done and I think it had a good flow, meaning i twas easy to read and din't feel like it slacked.

I honestly didn't think Lysandre sounded that pompous myself, I always felt his game counterpart sounded moreso but this one is still nice, at least you're not treating him as either a complete goofball or going the complete opposite direction with it and I liked the way you portrayed him over all.

However, I'm still curious exactlyw hat this story is going to be if it isn't a exact retelling of XY, I hope you can keep up with it and I'll try to keep up with reading it.

 

[Lugion]

Interesting start. I've always wanted more from X and Y than what we got. There's so much left unexplored, and I'm definitely looking forward to how you explore Kalos and its legends.

 

[Treble Tech]

Spoiler: Feedback

Technical Accuracy/Style
I didn't notice any technical errors, so we can get that out of the way. Oh, wait, I tell a lie. You missed the space after the last full stop. And now I look again, I think there was a extra line break in there. Just worth taking another look at it at some point. Stylistically, it's fine. Lysandre's voice is a bit on the pompous side, but I suppose that's canon.

Agh, should all be fixed now. Can't believe that line break got past me.

Story
I've never been a fan of straight re-tellings of the canon events even if the protagonists are replaced with OCs so I'm wondering what you'll come up with here. The XY canon is a little awkward to work with, in my opinion, because it's so silly even for a main game story.

Hm, I can hopefully put some of this to rest right now. My first post was maybe a bit unclear. I'm not planning for this story to be simply a re-telling of the game's events, and my protagonists aren't meant to be replacing the game's protagonists, but are completely separate. The story I'm planning only occasionally touches what we see in the games. I guess you could think of it as something of a "behind-the-scenes" story.

Setting
Adequate for a prologue. You may well have picked up - or will do soon - that I'm crazy for worldbuilding and real detail in a world. Storm Island and Lucky Egg are both good examples of what I mean by that.

Yeah, I have.
Setting is one area I'd like to work on. I'm always open to any suggestions people might have.

Characters
As far as I recall, Lysandre in the game has a pompous streak and a rather bizarre idea of what a beautiful world looks like (I always wondered what he'd make of the red-in-tooth-and-claw aspect of nature). Other than that, like so so many first chapters there's not a lot to say on this point

Lysandre is probably my favorite Pokemon villain, probably he's the only one I can sympathize with on any level. At face value, his goal of preserving beauty doesn't sound too terrible, but with his twisted views and his whole plan, he becomes much more sinister. I was disappointed we didn't see more of him in X and Y than what we got.

Well if you don't mind harsh words then I'll be the first one to say your story sucks

ikr I should just quit while I'm ahead.

No I'm just kidding, I actually think it was a nice start. There's not really much description to the chapter itself in regards to what happens but since it all takes place in one area it's not something that takes too much from it, that is something you'll have to keep focus on for later though. Second are the few mistakes I noticed that Pavell already pointed out, aside from that it was pretty well done and I think it had a good flow, meaning i twas easy to read and din't feel like it slacked.

Thank you! I'll try to keep description in mind in the future.

I honestly didn't think Lysandre sounded that pompous myself, I always felt his game counterpart sounded moreso but this one is still nice, at least you're not treating him as either a complete goofball or going the complete opposite direction with it and I liked the way you portrayed him over all.

I always liked Lysandre for the fact that at his absolute core, he didn't seem evil per se, just misguided to an extreme. He did seem to care for the world, in his own, mmm... special way, so I'm not trying to make him into a monster or anything.

However, I'm still curious exactlyw hat this story is going to be if it isn't a exact retelling of XY, I hope you can keep up with it and I'll try to keep up with reading it.

Heh, I hope so, too. College, ugh.

Interesting start. I've always wanted more from X and Y than what we got. There's so much left unexplored, and I'm definitely looking forward to how you explore Kalos and its legends.

Same here. Frankly, I was always a bit disappointed with how little development some of the story got. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Chapter 1 - Family Days
​

Sunlight beamed through the windows of a small living room, tracing crosshatched patterns on a floor the color of chocolate. Across the room, three armchairs had been scattered in no particular pattern, one of which cradled a Pawniard, still sleeping soundly as the light glinted off of his body. His right blade, rather than silver, was a bright golden yellow, the color of wheat, and it shone in the light. A Noctowl flew out of a darkened doorway, landing on the floor beside the occupied chair. Numerous white feathers on her body showed her age, and gave a grey tint to her dark coat. For a moment, she simply looked down at the sleeping Pawniard. Then, she unfurled a wing and began to gently drag the tip back and forth on the little Pokemon’s face.

“Get up, dearie, it’s almost time for breakfast. If you stay asleep, I won’t be waiting on you. I’m hungry.”

The Pawniard yawned and opened his eyes. He began to blow at the intruding wing, curling the feathers until the Noctowl folded her wing against her side. “Oh, leave me alone, Rita. You should be going to sleep yourself. Noctowls are nocturnal, remember?”

Rita chuckled. “Well, that’s one of the perks of my Insomnia. I don’t need to lay around like a lump the way you do. I may be old, Pierce, but believe me, I can keep myself going much longer than you can. Besides, when I do sleep, it’s at night now. I’ve been around you and Lawrence too long; your bad habits are rubbing off on me.”

Pierce sat up in the armchair and stretched. “Sleep really isn’t that bad. You should try it sometime,” he teased.

“Oh, no, sleeping isn’t bad at all. On the other hand, I hardly need to remind you that it’s a Pokemon’s dreams that can harm them, now do I, dearie?” She pointed a wing over Pierce’s head. “And apparently, their surroundings as well.”

The Pawniard’s heart sank. He had a terrible feeling that he knew what she meant by that. “Wha… what? I… did I…” He pushed himself onto the ground and turned around to look at where he had been sleeping.

The chair was utterly destroyed. Pieces of stuffing were scattered everywhere, on the seat and the floor; the whole area was a complete mess. The plush leather upholstery had been ripped to shreds, crisscrossed with deep cuts. “Oh, no… Rita, I don’t know how this happened, I swear! It was an accident! I would never-”

Rita lightly smacked him on the head with her wing. “Oh, calm down! I know it was an accident. I warned you about this the other two times, remember? Pawniard like yourself are built for battle. It’s instinct. And since you’ve never had a real battle yourself, those instincts are coming out in your dreams. If you would just-“

Shling! Shling! Shling!

Pierce had begun sharpening his blades against each other, a nervous habit of his, and given his nerves, one which occurred quite frequently. As he rubbed his arms together, the shrill ringing of steel on steel filled the room. Rita screeched and cupped a wing over her head. “PIERCE! PLEASE!” The Pawniard sheepishly lowered his arms to his side. “Thank you. Now, haven’t I told you to stop that?” She sighed and folded her wing. “You worry too much, it’s unhealthy. What’s bothering you this time?”

“W-what will Lawrence think? This is his favorite armchair, Rita! I don’t want to upset him!”

Rita blinked. Then, to Pierce’s chagrin, she burst into laughter. “Is that all? Believe me, Lawrence isn’t so shallow that he would be upset over this.” She gestured at the fluff littering the floorboards. “He isn’t going to care.”

Her reassurances did nothing to lift the little Pokemon’s spirits. “But, Rita, if I can do this much in my sleep… what if it gets worse? What if I end up hurting you, or Lawrence? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself!”

“Oh… I see. Come here.” Rita stepped forward and wrapped Pierce in her wing. She was so much bigger than him that he was completely encased in a cocoon of warm feathers. For the seven years Pierce had lived with her, Rita had always been able to calm him down with a hug, and that hadn’t changed. “Don’t fret about that. I trust that you would never hurt either of us, and I’m sure Lawrence feels the same. Now, let’s go get some breakfast. He’s been busy cooking for us, so the least we can do is enjoy the meal.” Rita turned away and flew through the door to the kitchen. Pierce hesitated for a minute, thinking to himself. Rita’s trust in him meant so much, but it didn’t change the fact that Lawrence might be angry, and he-

<I thought I told you he wouldn’t care, didn’t I?>

Pierce yelped. Rita was sticking her head out of the kitchen, gazing at him. “Rita! Don’t do that!”

<Pierce, if I didn’t share your thoughts, you’d drown in them. Now get in here and eat some breakfast.>

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Despite his nervousness, Pierce couldn’t help but stop and sniff the air after he trudged into the kitchen. Lawrence was making pancakes on the stove in front of the window, and his pancakes were simply incredible. A family secret, he called them. Rita was standing beside him, watching intently as he cooked.

The room was small, but with most of the standard amenities: a fridge, a stove, a long counter with a sink and cabinets, and a circular dining table in the center of the room, surrounded by four wicker chairs. Pierce began to walk towards the table, and when Lawrence heard his feet scrape on the white tile floor, he pulled the last pancake off of the pan and turned around. Light shone from the window behind him, beaming through his silvery hair. It was still somewhat wild from sleep, but glowed in the sun’s warm rays. When they found the Pawniard, his bright blue eyes lit up and he smiled widely, creasing the laughter lines on his face.

“There you are, Pierce! I was wondering where you were. You got here just in time.”

His attitude lifted Pierce’s spirits the slightest bit, because it seemed like he hadn’t seen the ruined armchair in the living room yet. Still, the guilt gnawed away at the little Pokemon, causing his usual good humor to rust away.

“Hi, Lawrence… Good morning…”

He knew Lawrence couldn’t understand him, but the exchange was a long-standing tradition between them. Pierce hoped that despite the language barrier, perhaps the wish itself could still take effect. For his part, Lawrence loved hearing his Pokemon respond to him, and always paid close attention to what he could understand, if not the words themselves.

“Are you alright, Pierce? You sound a bit downtrodden this morning.”

“Huh?! N-no, I’m fine! Nothing’s wrong!” Pierce frantically waved his blades in front of him in an attempt to look reassuring.

Lawrence chuckled. “Just one of those mornings, eh?” Turning back to the counter, he whispered to Rita, who was still standing beside him, dutifully protecting the food. “He’s tearing himself apart again, poor thing.” Rita nodded and glanced over her shoulder at Pierce, who had jumped onto one of the chairs beside the dining table and was currently pulling himself onto the tabletop.

Taking the handle of the walking cane beside him, Lawrence picked up a plate, piled with steaming grits, a warm biscuit, and two of those mouth-watering pancakes, and began to shuffle towards the table. Rita stayed beside the counter, attacking one of the remaining breakfasts without bothering to bring it to the table. Pierce waited on the table as Lawrence brought the food to where he was standing.

“Here you go, Pierce! I hope you – hmm?” His hand stopped halfway to the table, and he looked down at the Pawniard, who was slightly shaking from suppressed nervousness, and not a small bit of hunger. “You know, there was actually something I wanted to ask you, Pierce. Do you mind coming with me for a second?”

Pierce’s forlorn eyes followed Lawrence as he walked across the room. With every step the man took, Pierce’s heart sank further and further until, as Lawrence walked through the door into the living room, it plunged into his stomach. He clambered down from his perch on top of the table, and, after a fruitless, pleading glance at Rita, who was still lost in her meal, he dejectedly plodded across the room and through the door.

--------------------​

Shling! Shling! Shling!

Pierce and Lawrence stood in the living room, looking at the torn leather of what was once quite a handsome piece of furniture. The harsh scratching of metal scraping against metal filled the room.

“So, Pierce, any idea what could have done this? Nothing woke you up last night, right? No wild Pokemon in the house?”

Pierce simply stared at the gashes. They might as well have been a neon sign, broadcasting his guilt to the household. He waited for what would happen next.

“Honestly, it looks to me like something that has to have been done by a Pokemon, but I know Rita would never do something like this. And you wouldn’t either, of course. Quite the conundrum, isn’t it?” Lawrence spoke slowly, paying no mind to the chair, but instead watching Pierce with a curious expression on his face.

With a sigh, Pierce resigned himself to ending the situation right there. The guilt and worry were eating him up inside. It would be better, he decided, to skip ahead to whatever was coming next.

“I did it, Lawrence. I’m really sorry! I tore it up in my sleep. There wasn’t any other Pokemon in here, you don’t need to worry about that! It was all me…” He hoped the man would be able to at least understand the confession for what it was, even if he couldn’t grasp the exact wording.

“Pierce, do you happen to be saying that you did this?” The Pawniard in question craned his neck, so he could look at Lawrence while he was speaking. For a human, he wasn’t particularly tall, but he still towered over the little Pokemon. Pierce nodded in assent. “Was it another dream?” Pierce nodded once again, and Lawrence closed his eyes. He began to tap his cane on the ground. “Hmm, that’s a shame. Well then, what are we going to do?”

Pierce watched the cane as it went up and down, with a sharp clack each time the end hit the floor. It reminded him of the ticking of a clock. An unceasing clock, counting down the time until his fate was decided by the white-haired judge.

Lawrence’s eyes opened, and he bent over, peering at the ruined chair. “Look at this, Pierce. You’ve taken all the leather off of this poor thing. Now then, I think it’s only fair that you give it something in return.”

Pierce was kneeling on the ground, gathering leather scraps into a pile. He thought his blades would certainly be more suited for cutting than repairing, but he was more than willing to make an attempt at undoing some of the damage he had caused.

“I think the armchair should get your breakfast for today.”

Pierce stopped in the middle of reaching for another bit of leather. Mind racing, the Pawniard made a valiant attempt to determine exactly what that meant. He was still trying to think through the possibilities when he heard a wet splat and looked up to see his food in the middle of the chair, a pancake dangerously close to sliding off the front. He simply stared for a minute, before raising a blade to his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from snickering.

He turned to look at Lawrence, who withdrew his hand from above the armchair, turning the plate back over as he did so. “There! That’s settled!” The man turned to Pierce with wide eyes, before cocking his head and flashing an innocent smile. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson.”

Pierce burst out laughing, due to a mixture of amusement and overwhelming relief. At the sound of his laughter, Lawrence’s smile grew wider and wider, until his own deep laugh filled the room as well. The two stood, laughing together as a pancake fell off the chair and flopped onto the floor with a wet squishing sound.

The room, so silent only a few short minutes ago, was further disturbed by an indignant squawk. A brown streak shot from the direction of the kitchen and alighted on the armrest, clipping over the top of Lawrence’s head.

Rita took in the mess on the seat below her before turning an accusing eye towards her trainer and fellow Pokemon. Due to her telepathy, she had the benefit of speaking directly to both of them, and she made ample use of this gift when she felt the need.

<And what is this, if one of you would be so kind?>

After a few deep breaths, Lawrence’s laughter was under control enough for him to answer. “Why, it’s an armchair, Rita! Is something wrong with it?”

<Please explain what this is in the chair, if you can.> She gestured at the food with one wing, while her indignant face remained locked on Lawrence’s.

“Well, Rita, to quote an old friend of mine… ‘it looks like a blooming great mess!’” Pierce snorted as Lawrence met Rita’s steely gaze unflinchingly. “Alright, fine, let me take this opportunity to apologize, Rita. I didn’t know you cared about the chair that much, and I’m genuinely sorry this has occurred. Although, to be fair,” he grinned, “half of it wasn’t even my fault.”

<Oh, to the Distortion with the chair! I finish a wonderful breakfast, and decide to check on you two, out of the goodness of my heart, I might add, only to find you wasting perfectly good food! I have half a mind to leave you for this Lawrence; go back to the wild. Food stays in trees out there, nice and easy to find, and there’s no humans to throw it around!> With that, Rita hopped down onto the seat and began pecking at the remaining food that hadn’t sunk into the cushion. Pierce was rolling on the floor, trying his best to breathe, while Lawrence was leaning all of his weight on his cane in an effort to stay upright. Eventually, he gave up, collapsing into another chair with his chest heaving. They were both so overwhelmed that neither noticed when Rita shot a quick glance at Pierce, breaking into a huge grin at his laughter.

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Pierce finished his replacement breakfast and headed out the door, with Rita following behind him. He ran between the two Roseli bushes in the front yard and out onto the road, leaving the front gate swinging crazily behind him.

“Come on, Rita! I don’t want to miss him.”

“Dearie, there’s no way they’ve left by now. Knowing Caramel, he’s probably not even awake yet.”

“Are you kidding? You know how excited he was for this!”

Lawrence was beside one of the Roseli bushes, smelling the new blossoms. He treated the bushes with great care, often coming out to them each morning. Sometimes, when they were in bloom, he would cut blossoms off to decorate the house. As Pierce and Rita shot past, he waved a hand. “I’ll see you two later! Take care of him, Rita!”

The two made their way down the street to the outskirts of Desivar Town. Not a very difficult task, as it was quite a small town in the first place. Nearby Kiloude City drew most of the people away, especially trainers, due to its famous facilities, such as the Battle Maison and Friend Safari. Consequently, trainers never visited Desivar Town. They only ever left.

Which is what the boy who owned Pierce’s friend Caramel was doing. As Pierce and Rita reached the edge of town, they saw a small knot of people clustered on the dirt road. The road itself stretched into the distance, towards a large mountain range, where it entered a tunnel which bored into the rock. It followed a small stream on one side. The stream, Pierce had heard, eventually became the great waterfalls of Couriway Town, but he couldn’t know for certain. On the other side of the road, there was a large field, where some Tauros were grazing.

Suddenly, when the two got closer, a small yellow blur shot out of the group. It tore up the road towards them, flinging dirt into the air, some of which hit the unfortunate people on the outside of the cluster. As it ran down the road, it gained speed, moving faster and faster until it kicked off from the ground and flew forward with a tremendous yell. “PIERCE!”

“Careful, Caramel! Stop!”

The creature slammed into Pierce with a full-body tackle, sending him flying backwards onto the ground. He lay in the dirt for a moment, not out of pain, but simply waiting for whatever came next. You could never be too certain with Caramel.

The blue sky above him was blotted out by a Sandshrew, who moved to stand over him with a cheeky grin. “Careful? Of what? Your blades have got nothin’ on my scales.” He grabbed one of Pierce’s blades and helped him up. “I’m glad you’re here, Pierce.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” Pierce said, already completely recovered from the tackle.

“Oh, you should have heard him carry on. He was so excited for you, Caramel.” Rita landed beside the two.

“And he’s not even the one leaving! How do you think I’ve been feeling? Everybody saying no, don’t leave yet, wait for the good weather. I just want to get out there, show the world what I’m made of!”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Rita laughed, “we’ve been informed of that. Good luck out there, Caramel.”

“Thanks, Rita!” Caramel looked down at the blade he clutched, Pierce’s discolored one. “So, Pierce, before I leave. I kept thinking, what should I say when Pierce gets here. And you know? There isn’t much new left to say after so long. And yet, all these years I’ve known you, you never told me why your blade looks like this. All brown. So what’s the story behind that?”

Pierce’s eyes grew darker, and he frowned. “Oh… I… um… you see…”

Caramel watched as the Pawniard struggled to speak, as if he wanted to talk, but something was holding him back. Caramel clapped a paw on his shoulder. “Hey, if you don’t want to tell me, don’t sweat it. Just thought I’d ask.”

Pierce dragged a foot over the ground. He had known Caramel for a while. But he didn’t like telling anyone the story. He didn’t want them to worry over him, which was what usually happened. But Caramel didn’t seem like someone who would do that…

He shook his head. “Sorry, buddy, but I’ll tell you what. Promise that I’ll see you again, and next time we meet I’ll tell you the whole story.”

“What? You know I hate suspense! Ugh… Alright, fine! I promise!” Caramel shook Pierce’s blade vigorously, almost knocking the Pawniard off-balance. “But next time you see me, I’ll be famous. I’m expecting some bowing, at the least,” he joked.

“Really? You think you’re cut out for it?”

“Do you even have to ask? You know me well enough.”

A shrill whistle pierced the air. Caramel glanced over his shoulder at the group of people, which were beginning to disperse. “That’d be me. Take care of Lawrence for me, Pierce. Oh, and the old featherbag, too.”

“Excuse me! I deserve a tad more respect than that!” Rita began to flap after Caramel, but he had already disappeared down the road. She scoffed and turned back to Pierce, who was watching his friend shrink into the distance. The Sandshrew was running circles around his trainer, who was walking down the road with a pack of supplies weighing him down.

Pierce sighed. He could feel his eyes beginning to mist over. “Rita, let’s… let’s go to the spring.”

Rita rubbed Pierce’s head with a wing. “Funny. I was about to suggest the same thing myself.”

--------------------​

The spring gurgled merrily at the bottom of the small pool, sending ripples across the surface of the water. It was surrounded by trees, trees belonging to a small forest in the hills near Desivar Town, and their shade caused dappled spots of light to hit the water’s surface. There was a small creek running into the woods, winding its way out of the greenery until it made its way to town. Sometimes Pierce would float small twigs and branches down the water, and fantasize about where they might end up one day. But he never explored further than the spring. You could easily find your way back to Desivar Town by following the stream, and he never had any reason to go deeper into the forest.

Rita and Pierce would often visit the spring for the placidity of the area. It was close enough to humans that most wild Pokemon didn’t bother them, and far enough from town that no residents bothered to come up. At least, not very often. Usually the two would watch the clouds, listen to the forest, or just nap in the sunlight. This time, however, they simply sat by the edge of the water, staring at their distorted reflections.

Rita glanced sideways at Pierce. “Are you going to be alright, dearie?”

“Yeah, eventually. Caramel isn’t the first one to leave, you know. I’ll just have to adjust, like I always do.”

“No, he wasn’t the first, but he was the last good friend of yours in town. Are you sure you’ll be alright?”

There was a short pause. “Rita, you had experience traveling with Lawrence. Do you think Caramel will be safe?”

Rita tapped a claw against the ground, considering. “Hmm… I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Pierce. He has a good trainer, and energy enough for the both of them. Fast learner, too. Could stand a bit of discipline, though. Old featherbag, hmph!”

“That’s good.” Another minute passed in silence. Pierce watched his reflection in the water as it bent and twisted through a multitude of fantastical faces and expressions.

“You know, Pierce… you could follow him.”

“What?”

“Well, not follow him exactly, I just mean… I’ve actually been wanting to talk to you about this anyway. Don’t you think it’s about time for you to leave Desivar Town? I doubt it would be hard to find a beginning trainer who wanted to take you, especially if Lawrence contacts a professor. You don’t even have to leave with a trainer! You could just choose a direction and start walking! Maybe find some other Pokemon who are going your way.”

“Huh? Why?”

Rita wrapped a wing around Pierce. “I’m worried about you, Pierce. Most Pokemon your age are either traveling with a trainer or living in their own den, not sitting in some sleepy town with two old hands past their prime. Plus, if you left, you would be able to learn to battle, so the dreams would stop. I know those upset you. You’d also be able to meet all sorts of people and Pokemon, maybe travel all around the world…. I just think you’d be happier.”

Pierce looked her directly in the eye. When he spoke, it was with the most sincerity Rita had ever heard in a voice. “Yeah, sightseeing would be nice, but I have you and Lawrence’s stories from your journey. And I can live with the dreams. I’m happy now, Rita! Right here with you two.”

There was silence for a moment, as Rita built up the courage to ask her next question. “But what about-,” Her breath caught in her throat. “What about when we’re gone?”

The question hung in the air, carrying its somber suggestion, a thunderbolt waiting to strike. “I don’t want to upset you, Pierce, I’m just worried. I won’t delude myself; I’m not the Noctowl I used to be. And I know Lawrence loves you, but I wouldn’t want him trying to raise a Pokemon while he’s just getting older, too. I just… I don’t want you to be all alone, Pierce. The thought of that just-,“ She stopped short and looked down at her side as she felt cold metal against her skin.

Pierce had wrapped his arms around her wing and pulled it close to his side, taking care to not cut her on his blades. “Don’t worry about it, Rita!”

Rita opened her beak in surprise. After composing herself, she chuckled. “Oh! That’s rich, coming from you, worrywart!”

“Well, trust me, there’s no point in worrying about something you can’t control. It’ll only wear you down. I know I’ll have to leave eventually, Rita. I don’t like it… But that’s my problem, not yours.” He slowly stroked Rita’s feathers and leaned his head against her side.

“Hmm. I’m not going to give this up, you know.”

“Oh, I know.” The two remained still for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Then, Pierce unfurled himself from Rita’s wing and flopped backwards onto the grass. He pointed a blade up into the air. “Do you remember that time we saw a cloud that looked just like Lawrence? And when I had you tell him, he pretended like he was insulted and wouldn’t talk to you for the rest of the day?”

“Hahaha! How could I forget? I was so mad about that stunt that I didn’t speak to him for the next two days!” She looked up towards a brilliant blue sky dotted with clouds. “Now I see one that looks like Caramel,” she said, her voice light and soft.

“Heh, I always thought he was a bit of an airhead,” Pierce joked.

The two continued cloudwatching for some time, enjoying the time they had together. But while their eyes were trained on the sky, neither of them noticed when a third pair appeared, peering at them from the forest undergrowth. When the two decided to head home and walked off towards the town, a Mienfoo jumped out from the brush. She watched the two longingly as they laughed and joked on their way home. With a few tentative steps down the trail, she moved as if to follow them. But then, she stopped, lowered her head, and silently retreated back into the forest.

 

[Crimson&Gold]

Aww, that was sweet.

You're clearly a good writer as both the prologue and the first chapter read very well and had a pleasant flow to them that kind of carries the reader along naturally. As mentioned, the way you portray Pierce and Rita's relationship (as well as their relationship with Lawrence to a lesser degree) is really quite darling. Rita's maternal nature and role in the family shows through very clearly. Pierce and Caramel's friendship was nicely done as well even if we didn't see an awful lot of it here. Overall, very strong characterisation in the first chapter.

The Prologue was interesting. I've always been a little intrigued by Lysandre as well as hungry for a much better exploration of his character than the games have ever offered us so far. I obviously don't know if you're planning on focusing much of the story on him but if you are then I'm glad, because I'm a fan of the way you wrote him in the prologue. I especially liked the part about the plants and its dependency on the rocks. That felt true to character yet more expansive than what we'd ever get in game.

Overall, I'm definitely drawn to this story, at least based on what's there so far! Really quite keen on seeing where you're taking this.

 

[Flaze]

The first chapter was really sweet, it was good at showing that tranquility but slightly somber pace in Pierce's and his family's life, it wasn't really much an dthe chapter itself doesn't really move the story but focusing on Pierce's current relationship does a good job of showcasing his character. I also like how he, so far, seems to be the main character in this as I don't see a lot of stories that are not on PMD focusing on the Pokemon as main characters, at least not ones that have such a simple and refreshing start like this.

I didn't notice any grammar mistakes in this one and your description, in my opinion, was pretty good, leaving just enough for the reader's imagination but also giving us detail to kind of make a good view of the place, though a little more description on the town itself would've been nice, maybe even some more on Lawrence's house too.

Overall I'm still wondering what type of story this will turn out to be so far, Pierce might leave on his own journey but who can say at this point, but hey at least you have my curiosity.

 

[Beth Pavell]

Ok, aaand back for Chapter One

Technical Accuracy/Style
Bit a nitpick, but you might want to consider de-capitalising species names. As far as pokémon is concerned, it's not wrong as such, but since you're giving your pokémon names anyway it would be neater. Pierce (Don't think I didn't notice the pun) the pawniard as in Peter the rabbit.

I would look at rewriting the breakfast on the chair bit. The way it was presented I was expecting it to be a serious punishment - ie: You tore up the chair, so no breakfast for you, and you can watch it go splat. Let's see, what else ... ah, yes, that first conversation had a bit too much of the old "As you know, the King, your father" about it.

Story
I don't think I was expecting a pokémon focused story, so that's a surprise. The start is unusual, though not in a bad way. The old man with his pokémon, I can buy that.

Setting
An invented town, hurrah. That bodes well. It's a bit of an unfair assumption, but whenever I see a fanfic with nothing but game locations I do tend to get a bit worried. Anyway, the setting is fine. Not completely sparse, and for the chapter I think it was pitched about right.

Characters
There's a nice little mix there. They all have their own voice, which is nice, though as I say Lawrence was a bit misleading at first. I kind of like Rita's voice. She comes across as on the wrong side of middle aged through her speech, it's quite nicely done.

Final Thoughts
Not a bad start to a story at all

 

[Lugion]

Ok, so I finally got around to reading Chapter 1. This is a very cute story so far, almost surprisingly so after that prologue! Your characters' voices are very strong, too, and the setting was very well-realized and easy to envision.

 

[Treble Tech]

Aww, that was sweet.

You're clearly a good writer as both the prologue and the first chapter read very well and had a pleasant flow to them that kind of carries the reader along naturally. As mentioned, the way you portray Pierce and Rita's relationship (as well as their relationship with Lawrence to a lesser degree) is really quite darling. Rita's maternal nature and role in the family shows through very clearly. Pierce and Caramel's friendship was nicely done as well even if we didn't see an awful lot of it here. Overall, very strong characterisation in the first chapter.

The Prologue was interesting. I've always been a little intrigued by Lysandre as well as hungry for a much better exploration of his character than the games have ever offered us so far. I obviously don't know if you're planning on focusing much of the story on him but if you are then I'm glad, because I'm a fan of the way you wrote him in the prologue. I especially liked the part about the plants and its dependency on the rocks. That felt true to character yet more expansive than what we'd ever get in game.

Overall, I'm definitely drawn to this story, at least based on what's there so far! Really quite keen on seeing where you're taking this.

Thank you! I quite liked Lysandre as a villain concept, but, like you, I always wanted more than what we got in the game. He's definitely going to be a pretty big part, although it might be a little ways into the story before he shows up again (even though i'm actually really looking forward to writing more with him).

I'm quite glad you found the relationships clear; that was mainly what this chapter was for, so it was a relief to know they came across well and seemed believable. I can't thank you enough for leaving your thoughts.

The first chapter was really sweet, it was good at showing that tranquility but slightly somber pace in Pierce's and his family's life, it wasn't really much an dthe chapter itself doesn't really move the story but focusing on Pierce's current relationship does a good job of showcasing his character. I also like how he, so far, seems to be the main character in this as I don't see a lot of stories that are not on PMD focusing on the Pokemon as main characters, at least not ones that have such a simple and refreshing start like this.

I didn't notice any grammar mistakes in this one and your description, in my opinion, was pretty good, leaving just enough for the reader's imagination but also giving us detail to kind of make a good view of the place, though a little more description on the town itself would've been nice, maybe even some more on Lawrence's house too.

Overall I'm still wondering what type of story this will turn out to be so far, Pierce might leave on his own journey but who can say at this point, but hey at least you have my curiosity.

Yeah, I was mostly going for characterization with this chapter. Glad that it came out well! Pierce is indeed going to be the main character (or one of them, at least), so you were spot on there. But a journey? Why would he ever want to leave such a happy life?

Ooh, curiosity is a dangerous thing. I'll have to make sure I keep it locked down tight.

Ok, aaand back for Chapter One

Technical Accuracy/Style
Bit a nitpick, but you might want to consider de-capitalising species names. As far as pokémon is concerned, it's not wrong as such, but since you're giving your pokémon names anyway it would be neater. Pierce (Don't think I didn't notice the pun) the pawniard as in Peter the rabbit.

I would look at rewriting the breakfast on the chair bit. The way it was presented I was expecting it to be a serious punishment - ie: You tore up the chair, so no breakfast for you, and you can watch it go splat. Let's see, what else ... ah, yes, that first conversation had a bit too much of the old "As you know, the King, your father" about it.

Hmm, I see. Yeah, I don't want that, it's not supposed to be serious. Although, I think I might have an easy fix for it that wouldn't require too much rewriting. I'll probably message you about it to get your thoughts; I don't want to clutter up the thread. I'll change the species names, too, because looking back on it, I agree that it looks better that way. Thank you for all your critique so far!

Ok, so I finally got around to reading Chapter 1. This is a very cute story so far, almost surprisingly so after that prologue! Your characters' voices are very strong, too, and the setting was very well-realized and easy to envision.

Thank you for the kind words! I'm glad you're liking it!

 

[kintsugi]

Heyo! I judged your story for this summer's Awards. Up front, a lot of my qualms were becase I was supposed to be comparing the 1.5 chapters of your story to some behemoth, nearly-completed fics, so there was a lot of apples and oranges being compared here. Overall, I thought this was a really interesting start, and I'll be checking back in to see how this goes.

The prologue hints at some sort of dark clash with Team Flare (but with a sympathetic/nice Lysandre) and the classic callbacks to Floette/that nonsensical war thing, but the first chapter is comparatively quiet, and that's literally all we have to go off of here. I can't even be mad at the lack of premise; although we're a few thousand words in and there's no real direction being taken, that's not necessarily bad or good. I liked the overall worldbuilding and quieter tone that the first chapter ended up taking, although it was hard to see how that fit in with the prologue itself.

The other thing I liked a lot was the characterization. It checked out! A lot! There's a surprising amount of depth for how short this is. Lysandre isn't the cut and dry greed-driven villain that I normally see, Pierce is adorable, Lawrence is that wise old wizard archetype thus far, and Rita's pretty well done as well. My one qualm is that there isn't much to indicate that they're actually Pokemon -- replace "slashed up the chair" with "wet my bed in my sleep" and it would basically be a father/sister/son dynamic, minus the starvation as a friendly punishment aspect.

Anyway, I'm trash at judging huge plot-arcs off of the first 1.5 chapters, so this was about all I had to say. Looking forward to seeing more!

 

[Persephone]

Hi. I read this for the Summer Awards and then had an authory personal crisis and left. But I'm back. Even if you aren't.

Honestly, my problems with this story weren't so much any real, gripping flaw. I actually liked it quite a bit. There just wasn't enough of it to be a great story yet. Or even a dark fic. Sure, there's Lysander in the prologue (who is interesting) and an older human in the first chapter, but... to be perfectly honest, Dark is like the third category I would've put this in behind Journey and Alternate. There's just not a lot of realism or grimdarkyness there.

Anyway. I hope you keep this up. It was a pretty solid start to a story.