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TEEN: Because You Were There

hearing Sarah complain about how “Everything had explosions now”.
Ace is a director in this universe?

Their crestfallen faces shone through the light of the flame as they tried their best to turn away from the camera.
I really like this line!

Frustration coursed through me,I
I think there should be a space here, where the comma is.

His face riddled with anger and pain.
Just 'anger' or 'pain' would flow better.

argued nervously,
We can already tell this by the fact he is stuttering, and well, arguing something. Perhaps you can keep the 'argued' but get rid of the 'nervously'.

as I basked in the moonlight. The memory of the night in the tent came flooding back to me
I really like the night/moonlight as a recurring motif in this chapter, it gives room for the story to have more symbolism.

That was the vow I made that day as everyone, the comrades that I had grown to trust, watched in awe and fear.


That was the day I decided to walk alongside her. Alongside the person that gave me my name.
The extra lines you added before this one really help add to the drama and impact the end of the chapter has.


I agree with Ace that this chapter is a good one for picking up the pace of the plot and help to conjoin the somewhat scrambled timeline together and make it feel a lot more complete. The chapter is well structured and manages to be the right length for what it's conveying.
 
Let's start with line by line because that's the harsh parts this time around.

It was a convenient way for me to learn more about human language and customs, that had always interested me.

Comma is unnecessary. Last phrase is probably redundant, come to think of it.

“Everything had explosions now”.

Period goes inside the quotation marks. Also, this is very meta for one of the last holdout non-action writers delving into explosions.

I heard Ice Cream muttered.

Ice Cream mutter. Also I like how all of Sarah's mons have hella basic names. Subtly gives a way a bit about her character.

took a pouncing position, ready to defuse the situation if it escalated too quickly.

I was wondering when I read this who Sombra planned to tackle. Any answer was amusing.

I honestly thought he was about to punch him

punch her. Unless there's something you haven't told us about Sarah.

after you decide that it was best to run away

decided

once stood where a bunch of dust-covered boxes.

were a bunch of


So I liked this chapter. Maybe it was a bit short. It felt a bit short. But that's really my only complaint. I thought it was a good look at where Sarah was before the present and a nice look into her perpetual breakdown. I wondered if it was a bit over the top, but honestly I've done or seen people do things on that level so it really isn't. Always nice to see people break in the face of the apocalypse and it very much fit with what we've seen later. Good job.
 
I've gotta be honest, this really isn't my type of story. Giant mechs, ultra beasts, hyper-space-or-whatever... it all feels so out of place in the universe I know, even if it's becoming more and more canon with each passing generation. I'm afraid I don't have a lot to say about how I enjoyed it, because I honestly didn't. That's not because it was poorly written, it's just the subject matter... not for me. I'll try to focus on areas where you can improve, instead. (I'm happy to say that you've definitely improved your general writing skills since I looked at your Pokemon Academy fic!)

Anyways, I'm seeing a lot of errant capitalization of words, but they all seem to be referring to the mech suit thing. I'm guessing this is intentional? Does seem a little out of place, but I can believe it if these mechs are meant to be venerated saviors of mankind.

Another thing I'm noticing a lot of tense changes. This is just an example I pulled out while going through the first chapter, there's quite a few more that I won't list:

Her voice snapped me from my thoughts and making me realize where I was once more
Ideally, both of those verbs should be in the same tense, rather than one referring to a past action and then another referring to a present one.

Also, run on sentences are quite common, but there's considerably less of them than when I went through Pokemon Academy! You're definitely getting better!

Sorry this review is as short as it is, I wish I had more to say. :(
 
Hi! Here to review, as per our exchange. I think I did glance at this fic before this, but decided against picking it up since I've never been too big on mech stuff - the only media about it I've really seen is Gurren Lagann - so I was worried things would just go over my head. But nevertheless, here we are, and I am a bit excited to see what an interesting premise like this has to offer.

I don’t remember when it first dawned on me, the fact that one day I would die.

This opening is pretty strong. The image of dying peacefully while surrounded by your children is something a lot of people hope to attain, bringing in relatability. This opening implies that a lot of pondering about death will be in this fic, which fits war. Only by reading on will I know if it fits this fic.

but I always thought that when the time came I’ll be resting in my soft cushion, barely being able to breathe while giving my pups a wry, calm yet solemn smile.

Probably "I'd" instead, given the tense?

(If you don't want to get grammar critique / spellchecking from me, please do tell me as soon as possible. Not everyone likes it and I can get that, it can take focus away from the other aspects.)

My ears perked up as I felt Sarah walk past me; she let out a loud yawn as she passed her hand over her long unkempt black hair, it always made me laugh how my fur was in a better state than her hair.

Rather than using commas and semicolons, I would suggest just separating the sentences with periods in situations like these. Otherwise they can get a bit too lengthy and tiring for the reader.

“Morning Sombra,” she smiled at me as she turned, stretching her arms out.

When someone is directly addressed, their name is separated from the rest of the sentence with a comma / commas. You may be familiar with the "Let's eat, Grandma / Let's eat Grandma" example.

but hey, she had opposing thumbs and I didn’t so it canceled out.

Did you mean opposable? "Opposing" kind of sounds like they're stuck in that position.

“You really know what I like huh?”

The comma thing also applies to interjections. Think about the sentence spoken aloud - you can kind of hear a pause in there, can't you? That's what the comma corresponds to.

Sarah, and by extent I, had dreamed of forming part of the Pro League,

"By extension" is the phrase, I believe, as something "extends" from being about one person to also being about another person.

That’s when it appeared, what would later be known as Code 01, “Nihileo”.

Nihilego, unless this was intentionally spelled differently.

Even though it looked like me and I could see through Its eyes as if they were my own, it still felt so artificial and metallic; as if I wasn’t there.

Capitalization of the "It" inconsistent, if I read this right.

I like that the mech is referred to with "It", by the way. It implies both disrespect and an animalistic way of viewing things.

a female voice replied, her voice sounding composed and respectful.

As you probably didn't mean to refer to a voice of a voice, you should say "a female replied, her voice sounding [...]" or "a female voice replied, sounding [...]" or even "a female replied, sounding [...]".

Good luck” I heard Yumi answer,

Missing colon.

“Don’t worry, Yumi. I’ll be fine,” she lied

But even as I thought that I also couldn’t help but remember to stay on my toes.

Missing period.

Also, stupid nitpick incoming: Umbreon are digitigrade, meaning they already technically are standing on their toes at all times. Or, well, the balls of their feet to be exact, but that's what humans mean when they say that too. Okay, nitpick over, back to actual critique.

“We’re nearing the checkpoint. I’ll be giving you command of The Umbra once we get there.” her voice became stern and focused, bringing me back to reality.

Missing capitalization.

Even so, she couldn’t fool me; she was just as scared as I was.

I didn’t reply this time; instead I took my own stance; I knew she could feel I was ready.

Okay, now this is definitely too many semicolons. Semicolons are already extremely rare to find in fictional texts as they're more well suited for factual texts, and even in those they're hard to come across.

If short sentences are what you fear - don't. Short sentences are great for tension, and fewer words typically make the reader pay more attention to what's being said.

But in good prose, there aren't only short sentences or only long sentences. Instead, it's a mix of both, as both have their merits.

she advised embarrassingly, which caused me to smirk.

The expression "which caused" is used a bunch of times, but I don't really think it's needed. Readers automatically make that connection already when an emotional response follows an action.

The being was cunning however and it punched me before I knew it,

Commas around "however". The first "it" can also be dropped.

The Ultra Beast wrapped its large arms around Its frame and pulled me into a grapple, allowing me to catch a glimpse of that ugly stinger stuck to its face and its bulging muscles that would make a Machamp on steroids feel shy.

Good description. I'm a big fan of similes, especially Pokemon-themed ones.

“What is it Yumi?” she asked with exasperation

“We need you to come back quick Lieutenant Borges!”

Missing period. (And commas.)

So that was chapter one. It's a sensible start: showing what caused all of this to happen and then what it's like now. It establishes the environment sufficiently, creating a base to build on top of later.

There was a few places where I felt it was a bit too tell and not enough show. That usually is the problem when exposition has to be given, but I feel like it could have been a bit more natural at times. I can't exactly give specific advice on how yet, since I'm only so little in and I'm not too familiar with the characters or story.

That's all I can think of right now, see you with the next chapter. Or a reply, if you have questions or comments, which are both welcome.
 
Chapter two, here we go!

I was actually sad that we were so close to the city, if there was one thing I enjoyed when I was plugged into It, it was running.

Period between city and if. Those two clauses have no reason to be in the same sentence.

As I sprinted across the field in its body

Given that the name of the thing is already a pronoun, I think it'd be better if it was either capitalized all the time. When I see a non-capitalized "it", I assume it's some other thing than the mech suit.

but I knew that I wasn’t advised to overuse it.

This should be changed to "I was advised not to overuse it". The current phrasing makes it seem like being advised to overuse something would be what's expected and that doesn't really make sense.

We passed through destroyed buildings, tanks and shelters the deeper we went into the wasteland of a city, I had to take special care of not stepping over any of them in fear of slipping or causing too much noise, all while glancing through the shattered windows of the buildings with prying eyes.

Once a bright example of the wonders of human construction, years of fighting had done away with its beauty and instead turned it into a desolate place filled with broken landmarks and dreams, with the only citizens being those sheltered by the International Army, our people.

Rule of thumb: unless it's a short and/or very powerful one, a (non-dialogue) paragraph should not consist of just a single sentence. Here you have two in a row, and they're both very lengthy. When such length is separated from the rest of the text, it just draws even more attention to how colossal the sentence is.

I'm sorry to talk so much about the grammar aspects, but I honestly do believe they're visible enough to detract from the reading experience - if I left them unmentioned, it wouldn't be constructive.

I couldn’t contain myself, not when I saw how it had all broken down and even less when I saw yet another explosion from afar, followed by an electrical current. “There they are!” Sarah yelled her voice as heartbroken and filled with rage as mine.

The "heartbroken and filled with rage" comes really abruptly here. Reading the previous paragraphs, I didn't at all get an image of fury or outrage - bitterness, maybe, but the rest mostly just sounds like the protagonist is a bit upset.

I think I know why: there really isn't much description of the characters themselves. The reader doesn't see them react - there's no grinding of teeth, no faces heating up, no heartbeat accelerating. The prose itself isn't very emotionally loaded, either. It sounds more like a journalist on the spot than "How... how could they do it? This place used to be beautiful, bursting with people and Pokemon. Now it's all in ruin... those bastards!" - you get the gist.

A much stronger bond is established between the character and the reader when they can see them interact with their environment. It also makes the setting seem more real. The main character shouldn't just be telling the story, they should be living it. I know that sounds conflicting as the story is told in past tense, but if the intent is just to tell what happened, there's really no need for a first person perspective.

We ran through the city, being careful of not crashing into any of the buildings or making a wrong turn in the maze like city

"being careful not to crash [...] or make a wrong turn [...]" might flow better.

a female voice spoke, sounding loud and clear in my and Sarah’s heads.

and I could hear the sound of electricity and explosions not too far away.

seething as we saw a skyscraper falling in the distance.

I felt my heart break

I felt both my body and Sarah’s tense up

I heard Sarah speak

I felt my thoughts and feelings escape

Alright, now I'd like to give you a great tip that in my opinion made my own prose a lot better after I first heard it. Try avoiding describing sensations "indirectly". Instead of something like "I heard the wind howl", write "the wind howled". Instead of "I felt my heart begin beating faster", write "my heart began beating faster".

In first person, the reader already knows that the main character receives the information through their senses or deduction, so the indirectness can be cut away with no losses. And usually, if something doesn't add, it detracts.

I glanced down at her feet. A group of thirty people surrounded the Lilligant’s feet.

Man, I hope that machine doesn't accidentally step or fall over on the people, that'd be a lot of squished humans.

I looked down at the sight in front of us, burned and burning rubble was scattered all around the center of the city, many of its buildings fallen and smashed into the vehicles and establishments below.

This is a believable description for a battleground, but I feel like it could benefit a lot from the inclusion of more detail and other senses. Surely those buildings must have been for some purpose (such as a hospital, a school, apartments, workplaces). Mentioning the specifics would also add to the weight of the destruction - a Pokemon Center being thrown across the sky hits a lot closer to home than a random nondescript skyscraper. There's some use of other senses and feelings in this fics already, like hearing, but there can always be more, like heat or gravity or screeching of metal.

A large machine much like my own laid in front of the creature, the only difference being that it was in the shape of a Charizard.

That's... a pretty big difference, though? Feels a bit like I just read "the fruit was much like the apple, the only difference being that it was a pear".

It stretched its chord-like tendrils

Did you mean "cord"?

who did its best to avoid the strikes as best it could.

This part could use a touch-up.

I bit and bit around it’s body

*its

It wasn’t enough though

Okay, so, as some other people have pointed out, the words "though" and "however" repeat a whole lot in this fic's prose. Along with the fact that they're never separated with commas while they should, it gets pretty jarring.

If you want to get rid of this, I advise you to try something crazy. Stop using both of these words completely. (And semicolons, while we're at it.) At first it'll seem like mission impossible, but as a writer, you'll soon adapt by finding other ways to express your ideas. I believe people could even learn to write something completely without the letter "a". (I don't recommend doing that part, though.)

its star blinking rapidly like a lightbulb about to blow out.

Oh, nice imagery here.

I heard Flare’s Umbra struggling to hold back the opponent as more and more electricity fired out. Eventually the flames stopped and it was pushed to the floor. I heard Flare and Darrel’s grunts, intermixed with Sarah’s own fading breath.

Remember that thing about "indirect" description I said earlier? There actually are exceptions, and this is one of those. When things get really hectic and unclear, it makes sense for the instant linking of senses to things happening to crumble. You hear noises and you see things and it's all a big blur. This especially works when surrounded by those moments of inner monologue, which I also liked - made the moment feel more personal.

I howled once more, catching the creature’s attention. Energy filled my body as those images flashed before my eyes once more. Sarah’s cries, Ashley’s corpse and the moment we gave up our dreams. I wasn’t going to let them become worthless.

This comes a bit out of nowhere, but in kind of a good way. It's surprising and shocking, which fits for a memory of a dramatic event. If I had to say one thing, though, it would be that this would hit even harder if we had seen a bit more of Ashley before this.

Anyway, that's all I have this time. I guess it's already pretty evident by the bulk of this review, but I've chosen to continue pointing out grammar related stuff until any say from you. Hope to hear back from you soon, be it on here or on my fic as per the exchange. Bye!
 
Hi, just wanted to give a quick reply to @canisaries I'll reply to everyone else once chapter 6 is (finally) completed.

For now, canisaries, I don't mind you pointing out the grammar mistakes, I know that grammatically I have a lot of work to do, especially with the older chapters, so I appreciate you pointing it out and telling me...I can't say when I'll go back to edit because I admittedly put more emphasis on always chugging along rather than editing unless there's a ton to edit but I'll still keep it in mind for the future regardless.

Aside from that, I guess if you could also talk about your thoughts on the story and characters as you move on to the next chapters that would also be great, I like the grammar pointers, but I also like to get people's varying opinions on the characters and the like as well. Either way, thanks for reviewing so quickly >.<
 
Got it! I have been overlooking those aspects, haven't I. Sorry about that.

Anyway, Chapter 3. Seems like I'll have material to work with, given we see some more of Sombra and Sarah interacting outside a war scenario.

We live, we eat, we fight, we protect our kin and we sleep. Everything else we do on instinct.

It's not... wrong to say this, but it feels a bit odd when feeding, fighting and protecting are primarily controlled by instinct.

How could I forget that barely fifteen years old, girl whose wide smile simply made my own distant gaze stronger?

Comma needs to be one word later or gone completely, your choice.

“She’s beautiful,” she said, hands behind her back as she walked towards me, her long black hair waving behind her. I stared at her curiously and indignantly. What was wrong with humans? Their bodies looked nothing like Pokemon, with no fur, wings or any feature that would guarantee their survival in the Wild, just random limbs smashed together out of convenience. They also wore wear garments that didn’t seem to be a part of their bodies, which made me question their worth.

Makes sense! Humans look weird and lanky as hell, especially compared to Pokemon. Also, very neat to have her speak of the Wild capitalized, as it is a pretty important concept for those who were built to live there.

“I’m sorry, she can be a bit feisty,” I could hear the old ranch lady say from behind me, but I didn’t care, I didn’t want a human.

Hahaha, the attitude of the pet owning the human is fun.

I instinctively stepped back when I saw it, my tail sticking out and muscles tensing up as I glared at the device, wondering what it was for.

Expressing emotion primarily through action instead of narration, good.

I tilted my head, looking at her in confusion, I could sort of make out her feelings but I couldn’t understand her words, not yet at least. She seemed to notice this and looked away in embarrassment.

It's a bit hard to believe that a creature could remember sounds it could not understand so clearly and word-for-word that it could come to later understand them. For a human, it's the equivalent of reading a paragraph of text in an unknown language once and months later having learned the language. Then again, these are Pokemon... but in any case, I guess it could at least be stated to be a rough approximation on Sombra's part.

She certainly didn’t seem any more threatening than an Eevee her nervous expression and twitching hand.

Nice comparison, though I think there's a word missing in this sentence.

The next few days after meeting Sarah were a blur to me,

This expression was already used once before, so I'd recommend substituting it.

I barked loudly in an attempt to scare them off, but it was to no avail.

YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP Y

Sorry, it's just that Eevee seem to be pretty small even in this story ;p they do have a lot of power, but I have a hard time imagining an intimidating bark from one.

I stared at her panting face, my face falling and wears drooping over my eyes.

Actually googled if "wear" had some meaning I didn't know, then realized it was a typo of "ears". whoops

That’s when I turned towards it a feeling of desperation and guilt overcoming me when I stared at that replica of myself.

I think this was meant to be two sentences?

General Comments

This chapter establishes the bond between Sarah and Sombra pretty well. Sombra being slowly won over was described well and believably, though I have to say the Murkrow seemed pretty similar to how in the anime Ash won Pikachu over. Anyway, the responsibility Sombra feels is very apparent. I'd say the bond would feel a bit stronger if we knew more about these characters - their personality and quirks, and how they make the two like each other so much. Being nice to someone is a way to get a friend, but more than that is needed for a lifelong companion. Maybe play up the respect and admiration the two have for each other?

Anyway, that's it for this time. See ya.
 
Chapter 4, here are my thoughts on it.

I put my paws and slid my ears downwards to drown out the noise, but it was to no avail when compared to her enraged voice.

The action of covering the ears could be a lot more clearly written. Also, I think "when compared to" really only works when comparing two noises, not one noise and one muffling action. Something like "when faced with" could work better.

Chariens.The

Missing space.

grabbed the sheet.. “The Ultra Beasts

Extra period.

Sarah spat back, gritting her teeth

There's a lot of teeth-gritting in this fic, the last instance just a few sentences before this one. You can switch it up a little but still get the message across by describing stuff like lowered brows, tightened jaws or nostrils flaring.

Sarah grunted in annoyance at hearing this. “So that asshole’s finally coming back huh? Fine.” She moved back a bit, straightening her posture before raising her hand up for a salute. “Thanks for your time commander,” she stated, her tone loud and respectful as she turned back to me. “Let’s go Sombra,” she said, a slight smile on her face. Then, before she turned to leave she looked back at Chariens, shock spreading on her face. “Wait, did you say Sergeant?”

Sarah goes from annoyance to respectfulness to a smile to a shock very quickly here. The last change makes sense, given the nature of shock, but the transitions of the rest could be smoother.

I wasn’t about to give up though, we had already gone through the trouble of going down after all. And so I searched, closing my eyes to feel the presences of everyone around me, it was a trait that we Dark types could rely on even if most people didn’t know. I didn’t know how it worked, but I assumed it had to do with our link to Psychic and Ghost types.

This is a cool concept, but it comes a bit out of nowhere, which makes me slightly fear it's just going to be a one-off thing that'll never be brought up again.

Either way, I focused, blocking the sounds from all the bystanders and looking for my objective, a needle in a haystack if you will. That’s when I felt their presence, standing inside a medical tent not too far from us.

Mind- or aura-related powers are always hard to critique given how vague they usually are (and have to be, so that they don't start glaringly contradicting the science we know), but I am sort of confused as to what this "presence" really is. It has to be person-specific so that one can be singled out, but it feels unlikely that Sombra could recognize someone she only saw for a brief moment from afar (iirc, correct me if I'm wrong) based on their mental energy alone, which I don't think was really given attention to the first time. So is it more of a scan kind of thing that allows for the people's physical forms to be seen too?

“Thankfully, there’s no sign of heavy injury physically or mentally,” the doctor replied

Not totally sure what's meant by "heavy mental injury"? Most of the victims are definitely going to be traumatized at least a little, and kids are always at a greater risk. If we're talking about something like PTSD, I'm not sure if the diagnosis of that is something you can do in a short amount of time and with little resources (though I've never been through it or know anyone who has, so I can't say for sure). Besides that, I'm not sure what kind of mental damage considered even worse than traumatization could occur and do so frequently enough for it to be procedurally searched for.

“I can’t find my sister,” the girl replied, her voice breaking slightly. “We got separated during the attack. She’s all I have after our parents died.” Her voice broke even more with every word she said until she eventually began sobbing, her Espurr floating up to her to console her in turn.

As I think some other reviewer also mentioned, the dialogue of the child feels a bit too mature for her age. Of course the actual age of the girl is never mentioned, so I can't say whether it's just a little unbelievable or completely so., Still, it does strike me as a bit too straightforward when kids are known to not yet quite know how to present their issues in the most informative and optimized way.

I could see Sarah’s own expression breaking a bit and she was clearly trying hard not to let her chipper attitude vanish at the realization of the inevitable. “Listen,” she said, her voice calm and hopeful. “I’m sure we’ll find your sister, I promise.” She added.

She lied.

ow my heart

Then she abruptly leaned forward, grabbing onto me and making me fret around as she held my by my front paws in front of the girl. “This girl’s the one you should be thanking though.” She grinned. “Her name’s Sombra and she’s the one that pilots that awesome robot you saw fighting back there.

Sarah seems to be really good with kids. It's a heartwarming trait in anyone, and one that not everyone thinks of off the top of their heads, so it makes her seem more real.

Year 0

I can still remember that night,

Might be my own taste, but I feel like I've seen enough of this phrase by now as I'm not a fan of it to begin with. To me it's kind of an unnecessary phrase, as of course a narrator has to remember something to be telling about it in the first place.

“What should we do now?” I turned towards Relina, Sarah’s Braviary and my second in command. She seemed hesitant to bring up the subject, what with everything that was going on. I glanced at the others, noticing that Ice Cream, the Vanilluxe and Pivot, Sarah’s Grumpig, were talking to one another or maybe just trying to cheer each other up. Then I looked at Mina and Kale, Sarah’s Floatzel and Roserade respectively, as they stood watch in front of the tent. We couldn’t actually be there by ourselves, but we needed to give Sarah room to breathe.

All of these characters kind of come rolling in at once which is a bit intimidating. However, I think a lot of that just comes from the prose - I don't think it's actually grammatically wrong, even, but it could flow a little better. "Relina, Sarah’s Braviary and my second in command" could be changed into "Sarah's Braviary Relina, my second in command", for example, and some instances of "Sarah's" could be removed, as it's probably implied already after mentioning just one of the Pokemon belonging to the team.

“I don’t know Relina!” I snapped,

You're probably up to your ears of this at this point, but this just is a very good example of a scenario where a missing comma can muddle the flow of an otherwise great scene. The initial interpretation of the current form would be that Sombra wouldn't be familiar with Relina, which doesn't make sense and makes the reader do a double take.

She was using her arms to keep her knees tight to her chest, her head buried in them to block out the sound of sobbing.

This and the entire rest of the chapter have really excellent showing-not-telling, the descriptions of the body language and actions and the minimal-yet-powerful dialogue being to thank for that. Sombra's behavior really reminds me of how dogs act when they come to comfort their owners. The way she reacted to being slapped was also very companion-animal-like.

I also recognized this scene from seeing it in the Samples thread some time prior! Even then it felt really emotional and true.

That's it for now. Only one more chapter uploaded after this right now, but I'm very sure I'll be waiting for chapter 6 as well.
 
Okay, I looked at the description for this and thought to myself, "Umbreon? Giant robots? Ultra Beasts? This sounds like it'll be tons of fun!" Naturally, I had to start reading, and leave my thoughts along the way. I mean, I'm know I'm new here, so I don't know if my opinion matters much (if at all). But, for what it's worth, I'm enjoying things so far. You started off in the thick of the action, so to speak, and now you're using the aftermath to delve a bit more into the effects everything's having on our main characters' psyches. Yeah, it's a bit weird sticking Pokémon into giant mechs to battle UB's when they're perfectly capable of doing that on their own in the games. I'm hoping that one of the future flashbacks will shed some more light onto what makes the bots necessary.

Along those lines, the one thing I don't have a firm grasp on is just how bad the extend of the UB-related damage is worldwide. Some other reviews mentioned apocalypse, but with scientists and shelters getting brought up in Parts 3 and 4, I feel like the world hasn't completely caught on fire... yet. Part 5 was a step in the right direction with giving me some insight, but outside of Castelia City, it's a blank for me.

I like what I see of Sombra and Sarah so far. A lot of their depth is coming from these flashbacks, but that's fine by me. Each one seems to add in a new layer to their relationship, which makes me really curious to see what more you're going to add in to stir up the pot, so to speak. If I had to critique anything, there are some times where it feels like you're not taking as much advantage of the first-person style as you could. More specifically, with some of the flashbacks first dealing with the UB's. I'd love to see a glimpse at Sombra's fear and confusion trying to make sense of what the UB's are. For the most part, she's already made the leap to otherworldly Pokémon, but I always thought the point to the UB's is that they're so bizarre it's tough to make heads or tails of them.

Anyway, I've got some thoughts on the parts in spoilers, here.
Part 1
Right out of the gate, I like Sombra's voice in this first-person perspective. You manage to work in some of her thoughts and give me a bit of a glimpse into what she's like as a Pokémon, with her thoughts on food and on Ashley. It's a cheerful little cold opening before Nihilego (I think you're actually missing the "g" in the opening scene) drops in and brings that all to a very swift end. It creates a very jarring (in a good way!) contrast with the next scene, where the action starts up. Sombra's take on the robot and the Ultra Space pocket made me nervous, in the way that getting put into an MRI machine starts getting me nervous, if that can make sense. I also think you present Buzzwole in a rather intimidating fashion; especially since it's one of the more hilarious UB's for me.

Part 2
Starting off here, I'm not really sure what you're selling with the UB's being cunning, like humans. Buzzwole in the first part was definitely speedy, but I'd have liked to see something more tactical for such a comparison to be made. As in, Sombra recognizing a strategy from her earlier league days. Could've been a nifty call back and more interesting than an inner monologue.

There are a few more interesting tidbits to this battle vs. the Buzzwole one. There's the addition of the city terrain, adding rubble that Xurkitree turns into projectiles. And the whole recharging aspect of it apparently forcing the mechs to get out of the way or risk having their power drained too. Definitely something that keeps everything on its toes. I don't know if this stuff was revised in after previous reviews or not. But it did seem like some of the blows had some oomph behind them. And I did get a sense of the desperation toward the ending there.

Part 3
For whatever it's worth, I got a kick out of Sombra's first impressions of Sarah. Especially since they come on the heels of Sarah calling her beautiful. I like little juxtapositions like that. It's also interesting that Sombra is, for lack of a better description, a daycare product. The part with the Murkrows is extremely reminiscent of the stuff in the anime where Ash is protecting Pikachu from a flock of Spearow. Likewise, it was a bit awkward that, in the midst of a tense moment with all the scientists and Sombra's uncertainty about Sarah, we get a sudden break to describe Sarah's changed phyisque (and battle-worn body). The fact that Sombra mentally lampshades it doesn't help at all. You might've done better to just focus on the injuries and leave it at that. Heck, you could've used that as a way to give a bit more deail as to the relief that Sombra felt in knowing Sarah was okay. Since I think that was mentioned in another review.

Part 4
When I was reading Part 2, I was wondering if there was going to be any time to stop and reflect on what it was that Xurkitree had done. And it looks like that's what you're getting into here. Sarah's kind of got that shellshocked veteran "the battlefield's the only place for me" kind of mentality going on when she's talking to the commander. I think there's a bit of a missed opportunity in that, we don't really get any of Sombra's thoughts on Sarah getting put on temporary leave. We're getting the story from her perspective. But in that scene, it felt less like we had a glimpse into her mind and more like she was just a framing device. We see more of her thoughts in the second scene, which I think makes it bit stronger. Especially her ambivalence to the little girl hugging her and then her mental refusal to say she'll keep fighting if Sarah gets trained by the Key Stone core.

The second part was a bit more heart-wrenching. It clearly seems like Sombra and Sarah were completely shaken up. I really don't know enough about PTSD and the like to say if this is true to life, so to speak. But I could feel the tension in the moment. The only part that struck me as off is the appearance of these other team members that we're just now hearing about. They're relatively inconsequential, and if you're going to be using them for later flashbacks, maybe you'd have been better off saving them for when they'll become relevant? That's just my take. The flashback was still very emotionally-charged though. I'll be curious if there'll be more stuff springing from this specific scene.

Part 5
A bit confused with the television bit. Mostly b/c, the initial flashback to Sarah and Sombra meeting leads me to believe she's got a pretty firm grasp on the human language already.

“Everything had explosions now”
Okay, this made me laugh. Pokémon: Written & Directed by Michael Bay. XD

I see you're following up on some feedback and focusing on what it is the Ultra Beasts wound up doing to put the world in its current state. I do think you lean a bit heavily on just having Sombra tell us this stuff, rathern than finding a way to show it off. The biggest example I can think of is having Sombra call Sarah cold and distant. It didn't feel like that was necessary, since Sarah then walks in and her behavior kind of speaks for itself. Speaking of said behavior, wow! It's quite the stark contrast to what we've seen of her. I've certainly seen similar things in TV before, where a kid adopts a bit of a rebellious attitude, only to turn around and say that they're going off to join the military. And I did like seeing her interact with her teammates. I really would still like to see a bit more of them, because at the moment I don't have much of an opinion of them overall.
 
Chapter 5!

Even the name “Ultra Beasts” had started out as an insensitive joke that spread across the internet. It was a fitting name, but one that didn't express how destructive and monstrous they were, even to us Pokemon.

Interesting take. I haven't read that many fics but I doubt actually justifying some of the cheesy or "marketable" official terminology in-world happens a lot.

"They're fighting again," I heard Ice Cream muttered.

*mutter

I wish I could say we things had improved.

Out of place "we".

"When do you guys think Sarah will get back?" Kale, Sarah's Roserade, asked.

I don't think it needs to be said that she's Sarah's, we've been told before and it's already implied in the context.

"What? you guys look like you've seen a ghost," she chuckled.

Is Sarah supposed to come off as really unlikable at this part? In my honest opinion she's acting like a total bitch upon her return. She disappeared for three days in a pretty hazardous seeming environment and her parents are rightfully worried, and she just quips in their face and complains how they don't allow her to have "fun". I could get her acting like this to her dad, with whom she's established to have problems with, but her mother hasn't done anything.

I can't really say if this out of character for Sarah or not, not having known her long enough, but I don't recall her being this insensitive to important people in her life before.

Also, missing capitalization on the "you".

"Oh right. You're on desk duty now,"

Comma instead of a period.

"Oh, now you worry about me, that's rich," She turned back towards them,

Same as above.

the tension in the air rising quickly as well gathered beside them. I raised my ears and took a pouncing position, ready to defuse the situation if it escalated too quickly.

"Quickly" used twice in adjacent sentences, nothing major but a bit clunky.

They were supposed to represent the groups humans used to fight against each other.

I had to read this a bunch of times to realize this actually wasn't grammatically incorrect, provided the phrase "used to fight" has the meaning of "used for fighting" and not "fought in the past but not anymore" here. While it's not wrong, the fact that I got it wrong like 20 times probably means others might too, so I suggest rewording for the readers' sake.

"The International Defense Force Needs You-It's Time to Take the World Back"

I recommend spaces around the hyphen (which I think should actually be a dash, but I never figured out how to type a dash myself so I'm giving everyone else a pass on that too) for easier readability.

That day had changed our dynamic, whether I wanted to or not. She wouldn't admit it, but it had. She had retreated and trusted less in us, not at first. In fact, at the start things went back to normal quickly.

"whether I wanted it or not" would make more sense for the first bolded part. The second, I think, needs a "but" after the comma or a general restructure as it's not the clearest. For the third, "had gone back".

Things changed once the second and third attacks happened and all League related events were put on indefinite hiatus. Then she just started drifting apart, focusing on the Ultra Beasts and the news as if it was the only thing she could do.

Actually, this whole part seemed really odd to me. It's like there's a big leap in time in the narrative out of almost nowhere in the middle of a scene and then another leap back. It doesn't help that it's mostly written in simple past (aka "did") just like the rest of the story (save for the few present tense remarks from the narrators, like "I can still remember") and not in perfect past (aka "had done"), which is usually regarded as the tense for "the past of the past". Instead of "things changed", it might be better to go with "things had changed" or "things would go on to change". Confession - most of the reason I personally started writing in the present was exactly because of the tricky grammar that came with past tense.

Sarah let out a heavy sigh as she fell on the chair in front of her computer, the screen opened to show a bigger more expansive version of the page she had displayed on her device. She leaned back, her body flexing against the back of the chair as she let her arms fall back.

Wait, does this mean her computer had the same page open for three days? Would Sarah not have closed it when she last left, and would her parents not have come to check out what she's been browsing in order to find out where she's disappeared and found out about her plans? How did she even remember that page was open?

...yeah, I've been watching too much Cinemasins lately.

The memory of the night in the tent came flooding back to me, the expression in everyone's and especially Sarah's face still vibrant to me.

"Vibrant" means "full of energy and life", did you mean "vivid"?

General comments

Despite my problems with Sarah's behavior at that one part, I actually think this did a good job at portraying the family and Sarah's team in sympathetic and realistic light. I like that Sarah lets her Pokemon choose which one of them should come along with her - it shows respect on her part, but possibly also indecisiveness and not wanting to feel as responsible if the choice if something happened.

Now that I've read all chapters so far, I suppose I can try to say some stuff about the fic as a whole. Upon picking this up, I expected there to be more mech fights based on the description, but I suppose it could get pretty repetitive if every chapter had a fight. However, since there hasn't been an action scene since chapter 2, I'm hoping we'll soon be seeing some more in the coming chapters.

Also for the coming chapters, I'd love to get some more worldbuilding. Right now it's still pretty vague - we know there's destruction and UB attacks and troops to fight them and so on, but that's very focused on just the core concept of the world. We haven't seen Sarah interact a lot with the characters or society of the present, which also makes this fic pretty flashback-heavy as of now. That in turn makes this seem a bit directionless in terms of story, as I can't tell where the plot is heading.

The characters certainly have potential and they appear to be thought out. I'm interested to see where this will go.

I've always been poor at coming up with things to critique unless they specifically stick out for some reason, so if there's some aspect I haven't touched that you'd want feedback on, feel free to ask.

Lastly, thank you so much for suggesting this review exchange! Your comments on Hunter, Haunted have been really insightful so far and I feel like I've learned things just by reading this story, too.

See you in your next post.
 
Sarah goes from annoyance to respectfulness to a smile to a shock very quickly here. The last change makes sense, given the nature of shock, but the transitions of the rest could be smoother.

I think in this case it has more to do with me doing the changes too quickly, but basically Sarah goes from annoying to respectful because of proper military etiquette, she's talking to a superior so she has to salute before she leaves. Then she smiles at Sombra both to show that she returned to her default demeanor but also to make fun of the fact she had to salute someone she's interacted with for so long and well then she gets shocked at knowing about the promotion.

Mind- or aura-related powers are always hard to critique given how vague they usually are (and have to be, so that they don't start glaringly contradicting the science we know), but I am sort of confused as to what this "presence" really is. It has to be person-specific so that one can be singled out, but it feels unlikely that Sombra could recognize someone she only saw for a brief moment from afar (iirc, correct me if I'm wrong) based on their mental energy alone, which I don't think was really given attention to the first time. So is it more of a scan kind of thing that allows for the people's physical forms to be seen too?

I've been meaning to fix some details in regards to this scene but I keep forgetting to do it, a proper explanation to Sombra's sensing powers will be given later, but as to how she locates them, but to quickly answer your question, because of Sombra's age an experience she can recall people's presences just by seeing them and them leaving an impression on her, which the girl and her Espurr did if you read the description focused on Sombra paying notice to them back in chapter 2.

Not totally sure what's meant by "heavy mental injury"? Most of the victims are definitely going to be traumatized at least a little, and kids are always at a greater risk. If we're talking about something like PTSD, I'm not sure if the diagnosis of that is something you can do in a short amount of time and with little resources (though I've never been through it or know anyone who has, so I can't say for sure). Besides that, I'm not sure what kind of mental damage considered even worse than traumatization could occur and do so frequently enough for it to be procedurally searched for.

You're right that in retrospect the "heavy mental injury" doesn't make as much sense as it should. As for the diagnosis, they're using psychic types which can effectively analyze a person's brain pretty quickly, I'm pretty sure I mentioned an Audino if I remember correctly.

"Umbreon? Giant robots? Ultra Beasts? This sounds like it'll be tons of fun!"

And then you realized there was barely any mech fighting and you left right? :p


Part 5 was a step in the right direction with giving me some insight, but outside of Castelia City, it's a blank for me.

The news cast is actually focused on Aquacorde in Kalos.

Likewise, it was a bit awkward that, in the midst of a tense moment with all the scientists and Sombra's uncertainty about Sarah, we get a sudden break to describe Sarah's changed phyisque

This is mostly because I wanted to emphasize Sarah's age and the difference in age between the present and all the flashbacks we've seen, I couldn't really figure out any place to do it (considering we technically don't see present Sarah until this moment) so I did it there.

Mostly b/c, the initial flashback to Sarah and Sombra meeting leads me to believe she's got a pretty firm grasp on the human language already.

In the flashback Sombra actually can't understand human speech, she mostly just relies on Sarah's actions. In Part 5 it's been about 8 years since she and Sarah met so Sombra can understand human speech almost perfectly.

Interesting take. I haven't read that many fics but I doubt actually justifying some of the cheesy or "marketable" official terminology in-world happens a lot.

Yeah, this was something I realized last minute that in the context of this story the UBs were actual threats to the planet. Calling them Ultra Beasts as an official term felt a bit silly so I made it so that it was given by the public and it just kind of stuck.

Is Sarah supposed to come off as really unlikable at this part? In my honest opinion she's acting like a total bitch upon her return. She disappeared for three days in a pretty hazardous seeming environment and her parents are rightfully worried, and she just quips in their face and complains how they don't allow her to have "fun". I could get her acting like this to her dad, with whom she's established to have problems with, but her mother hasn't done anything.

See...the answer to that is yes, it was supposed to highlight how Sarah had basically stopped caring about anything since what happened. But the bigger intent here is that Sarah's actually drunk off her ass at the moment and is trying to hide it, I wanted to hint at this in the description but I honestly didn't know how so all I did was throw some comments around how she was moving and stuff.

While it's not wrong, the fact that I got it wrong like 20 times probably means others might too, so I suggest rewording for the readers' sake.

I twas meant to be that they were used to fight.

Actually, this whole part seemed really odd to me. It's like there's a big leap in time in the narrative out of almost nowhere in the middle of a scene and then another leap back. It doesn't help that it's mostly written in simple past (aka "did") just like the rest of the story (save for the few present tense remarks from the narrators, like "I can still remember") and not in perfect past (aka "had done"), which is usually regarded as the tense for "the past of the past". Instead of "things changed", it might be better to go with "things had changed" or "things would go on to change". Confession - most of the reason I personally started writing in the present was exactly because of the tricky grammar that came with past tense.

She's talking about the events that led up to where they are in Part 5 (hence what happened between the first attack and the moment the chapter takes place in) it's not talking about the present or the future or anything else.

Wait, does this mean her computer had the same page open for three days? Would Sarah not have closed it when she last left, and would her parents not have come to check out what she's been browsing in order to find out where she's disappeared and found out about her plans? How did she even remember that page was open?

...yeah, I've been watching too much Cinemasins lately.

Calm down there :p but I did think of this! Sarah is a dick to her computer and only left it in sleep mode with the page open, she put the computer out of sleep mode offscreen.
 
You're right that in retrospect the "heavy mental injury" doesn't make as much sense as it should. As for the diagnosis, they're using psychic types which can effectively analyze a person's brain pretty quickly, I'm pretty sure I mentioned an Audino if I remember correctly.

...Audino is a Normal type, though? Its Pokedex entry only describes it as having very good hearing. Also, Audino's kind of a similar mon to Chansey, which was used a lot in the anime as just a normal nurse.

See...the answer to that is yes, it was supposed to highlight how Sarah had basically stopped caring about anything since what happened. But the bigger intent here is that Sarah's actually drunk off her ass at the moment and is trying to hide it, I wanted to hint at this in the description but I honestly didn't know how so all I did was throw some comments around how she was moving and stuff.

I did not at all get a drunk vibe. I didn't even know Sarah drank alcohol, I don't think that's ever been mentioned. She also seems really clear-headed for the latter part of the scene.

There's also still the fact that she decided to leave for three days and didn't think to send any kind of message. Either she chose that sober (which still makes her selfish), or she drank for three days in a row, and in that case she'd be a lot more fucked up.

If you want to get "drunk" across, say that the character slurs their words. Or say that their breath smells funny. Sombra, being very canine, would likely smell that from a mile away.

She's talking about the events that led up to where they are in Part 5 (hence what happened between the first attack and the moment the chapter takes place in) it's not talking about the present or the future or anything else.

Yeah, I got that, but why? Why in the middle of another scene without that strong a prompt? Why not before it or after it?

Calm down there :p but I did think of this! Sarah is a dick to her computer and only left it in sleep mode with the page open, she put the computer out of sleep mode offscreen.

Her parents still would have opened it, planning to look through her browser history or something to give them a hint. Unless they absolutely can't into technology.
 
@Athena, @AceTrainer14 , @Ghostsoul, @Beth Pavell, @canisaries, @Ambyssin

Well it's been kind of a while, but I'm proud to say that we're back with Because You Were There. Also, I want to say that I'm super glad that this story actually managed to come out on top for Best Drama during the awards. I know that it has, a lot of kinks that need to work on, and hopefully I can properly fix some of those.

This time we continue our look into the past but not through Sombra, but through another person, someone we know just as well.

Part 6: Departure

Year 2

What my life come to?

That’s what crossed my mind as I stared at the magenta-hued roof above me. The light shone from the lamps nearby completely coating it in their color. It was meant to make people looking for a quickie get into the mood, but it also made me ponder on my issues even more.

I let out a groan as I sat on the bed, the blanket covering me moving along with my body as I reached out for the glass on the nightstand. The clear brown liquid glistened from the light reflected off it.

I stared at the almost melted ice, shaking it and watching what remained in the glass float around as it was quickly overwhelmed by the alcohol below it. “Everything okay, Sarah?” I heard her speak; her voice tired and groggy as she stirred next to me. She moved around to face me, strands of her brown hair gliding across the pillow behind her.

She gazed at me longingly, eyes dazed from both the drinks and day we had. However, there was something else to that look, genuine concern maybe? I couldn’t tell at this point. I didn’t care either, and I’m sure my expression showed that.

“I’m fine,” I replied quickly before downing what remained in the glass. With that same momentum, I pushed the blanket off my body and slid to the side of the bed. I felt my legs wobble a bit while my body attempted to stand upright.

I blinked a few times and sat at the edge of the bed once more when I realized my body wasn’t ready. The room had turned into a jumbled mess of magenta and purple. The purple faux-fur carpet littered with discarded garments and a thrown chair, a memory I was sure I’d recall later.

My feet dug into the carpet, letting me feel the softness of the hairs as I clenched my toes. I could move. That was enough.

I scanned the room, looking for my things, only for a pulsing headache to ring through me due to the quick movements and the alcohol kicking in.

“Are you going home already?” she asked, sitting up. I didn’t bother turning back to her. Instead, I did my best to get up and start gathering my clothes, all the while ordering my body not to faint.

“Yeah. It’s been what uh-like three days, right?” I asked, trying to get my brain to function correctly. I said that but honestly I had just grown tired of being out of my house, plus I was sure Sombra and the others must’ve been worried by now.

It had been a while since I worried about my team, hadn’t it?

I let out a heavy sigh as I put on the last of my clothes, hopefully not inside out. I turn towards the woman, whose name at this point I can’t recall, laying on the bed. “It’ll be fine. I’ll call you later, promise,” I slurred. I tried giving her my best reassuring smile, but I was sure my intoxicated state made it hard for me to form anything resembling a genuine smile.

“Right-sure,” she replied, her voice deflating as she turned away from me. Too tired and drunk to bother with her antics. I turned away from her and walked out of the room, not even bothering to close the door behind me.

Maybe the way I made my exit wasn’t the best. But I just wanted to run. I grew bored and wary of home and went out to have some fun, but I even ended up becoming tired of that.

Thinking back, that defined the period I’d been going through since coming back home. Frustration, regret, acceptance and then complacency, just trying to forget everything that bothered me and pushing it deeper down the hole until it couldn’t go any deeper.

I paced through the dark streets of Nacrene City, the only light coming from the few lamp posts that were working or the cars that occasionally passed by. Their lights cast a shadow over me as I walked. I covered my eyes as they passed, their light and the state my body was in causing my head to start pulsating again.

I stared at a closed café nearby, its wooden walls looking unpolished and a huge sign that said “CLOSED” hanging from both the entrance door and from a chain that blocked the way to said door. A wave of grief washed through my body as memories of having breakfast here with my parents during special events came flooding back.

The images were still clear in my mind, them sitting there laughing and smiling while I ate my breakfast wondering if mom was going to eat all of her bacon. She was always a small eater, and I was still happy to contribute.

But now none of that existed.

Nacrene wasn’t always like this. It had been a fun and bright place to live since I was young. I could still recall those days where I went out with my friends to the rail tracks, or when we would go to the Museum, I even ended up camping out there once while I was researching everything I needed to go on a journey.

But now, now things changed. I mean, if you looked at the city during the day it’d seem mostly the same, but at night no one went out anymore, in fear that something might happen, that they might appear. It didn’t help that while Nacrene itself hadn’t been touched by the Ultra Beasts, it still had to help the cities that were. Unova’s government was one that relied on collaboration between its cities, mainly if the bigger ones were the ones in trouble.

That left this town, the town I grew up in, in a state where everyone was in constant fear of the future.

It annoyed me.

It disgusted me.

So then why wasn’t I doing anything about it?

I frowned, biting my lower lip in frustration before instinctively kicking a nearby trash can, the sound of my foot colliding with metal rang out through the street. The trash can fell heavy on the floor and began rolling down, spilling the disgusting contents that were inside it. I think I even saw a Trubbish run out in fear.

I let out a heavy sigh, sliding my phone out of my pocket and letting the screen’s glow shine on my face as I unlocked it.

My eyes stared at the screen, fixed on the website I had opened before I left home. Joining the newly formed International Defense Force had been on my mind for a while. It meant finally getting out there and doing something. But, could I make my team go through that with me?

I looked back at the restaurant; a longing look on my face as I stared at the image of the younger me.

No.

I had to do it, if I didn’t then I would’ve ended up going crazy, just waiting and drowning myself in some glass or whatever person that happened to made me feel like I could forget my issues for an hour or two. It would’ve been fine if none of them, even Sombra, had gone with me; I would’ve just gone on my own.

“I’m not going to spend my life being a pathetic waste of space,” I muttered to myself, I wasn’t whether it was what I thought or just the booze talking.

***​

After I got home that day, I told everyone my decision. The fallout for it was more subdued than I expected. I admit, knowing that she was the one accompanying me filled me with joy, mostly because it brought back memories to the time when we were travelling together.

Finally, the day to set out arrived. I packed everything I wanted into my one travelling bag, some Max Potions and berries for Sombra, my laptop in case I got bored or needed to look something up, a few changes of clothes, some snacks in case I got hungry and a few additional items like my old Go-Goggles.

I looked over my room one last time, staring at my desktop computer with its dust-covered screen. My old Pokemon action figures and video games were scattered around the desk as well. I honestly wanted to grab my old SilphStation and my copy of “Ultimate Tale XVIII” if only for the nostalgia, but that would probably weigh me down.

My eyes left my desk and instead glanced towards the boxes adorning my room, filled with old things that I’d forgotten to unpack even after the two years I’d come back. I wouldn’t need to unpack them now at least.

I heard a soft bark from behind me and turned my body around to see Sombra standing in the doorway. She had a curious expression on her face as she turned her head to the side. “Right, sorry, I just wanted to say goodbye to this room…again,” I replied, turning towards my bed as I saw the pokeballs of my other Pokemon lined up. “You think I should say goodbye to them personally, don’t you?”

Sombra didn’t respond, she just closed her eyes and lowered her head. She didn’t need to tell me, I knew I was cruel to them by leaving like that. If I hadn’t, I don’t think I could stop myself from turning back.

“Well, let’s go,” I nodded towards Sombra and began walking out, with her rubbing her head against my leg as I closed the door behind me.

“Everything ready?” I heard my mom ask from the living room. I stared at her for a moment, still clad in her nightgown with her short, greying hair in a mess. Her eyes were gentle and hesitant with a light red hue to them.

“Yeah, my bus’ll leave in an hour,” I said to her. I rubbed my hand against my neck as Sombra walked over to her, receiving a pat on her head. “Where’s dad?”

“He was called to go in early, seems like there’s something going on at the station,” mom said, sipping her coffee as she gestured towards the plate next to her. Chatot Fiesta, scrambled eggs with green tamato and touga berries mixed in and toasted arepas on the side. I guess she felt like honoring our Solarian roots to send me off.

I happily obliged and went over to sit down, smiling at the eggs as I grabbed a knife. I cut into the arepas meticulously, trying, and failing to avoid getting burned from the hot dough and pouring steam that came out once I sliced them open. It stung on my fingers and made me almost drop them back on the plate. Still, I persevered and through sheer force of will was able to open and set them down gently.

My mom and Sombra seemed to get a crack out of this as they were both trying to hide their laughter, but I chose to ignore it as I began using the fork to scoop up the eggs and fill the arepas with it.

Bliss ran through me as the eggs and arepas mixed in my mouth, making me rock back in my chair. “Glad you like it,” my mom said as I continued to bite into my breakfast.

However, as I ate, I remembered that there was still an issue I had to address, one that I know had been weighing the two of us down for the last few days. “You don’t want me to go do you?” I asked, setting my arepa down and keeping my gaze on her shocked expression.

“I guess it was obvious you’d realize it,” she said, not even trying to hide her worry now as she let out a drawn-out sigh. “No, I don’t want to you to. Granted, I know saying that isn’t going to make you stay.”

“You could try,” I said in a low voice, looking down at my plate while Sombra’s face shifted between the two of us.

“Will that keep you from going?”

“…not really.”

Silence fell on us. We didn’t even continue eating our breakfast. We just sat there, basking in the inevitability. “I’ve always known you’d leave again.”

“You figured I was gonna join an army?” I asked incredulously.

“Well, not that specifically. But I thought you might go off and try to help survivors on other cities or that you’d try and travel again, even with how dangerous everything is,” she explained, finally sipping from her coffee once more. “Regardless, I’m just glad you stayed long enough to say goodbye this time,” she added, making me wince as I remembered how I had casually run away last time.

“I didn’t want you guys not to say goodbye, I couldn’t do that to you again.”

“I just hope it’s not our last goodbye,” my mom said, her voice breaking a bit as a tear unwillingly streamed down her face. Looking at her face made me hesitate, it made me clench my fists and tighten my eyes in an attempt to hold back my tears.

Suddenly her hand moved back to her neck as she unclasped the Rosario she wore around it. I stared at her for a moment, only for her to stretch her hand out, Rosario clasped in it. “Grandma’s Rosario?”

“Yeah, she gave it to me when I moved out of our home in Nimbasa,” she slowly unclenched her hand, allowing me to get a good look at the glimmering silver of the chain and ring-like figure on it, made to resemble Arceus’ ring of infinity. “Make sure to bring it back okay.”

I pursed my lips together, staring at her before facing away from her. Even after the way, I acted, and after I worried her sick with my escapades, she was still looking after me, always worrying. What kind of person was I? And what would she think of me if she knew the real reason I wanted to fight?

But I couldn’t think about that, I couldn’t misjudge now that I’d come this far. “I will.”

If only I could’ve fulfilled that promise.

***​

I’m an Angel with a Shotgun

fighting till the war’s won.

I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back.

I’ll throw away my faith babe.

Just to keep you safe.

Don’t you know you’re everything I have!

I leaned back in my seat, letting my body sink deeper into the soft fabric behind me. I turned my head to the side, eyes staring out the bus window, ignoring the blinding light that spilt in from outside. I could deal with the sun if it meant I’d get to keep staring at the lush and beautiful fields that surrounded the outskirts of Lacunosa Town.

Even with things as they were, I would still marvel at the sight of nature. The whistling grass that blew around with the wind, the bright and pure rivers that reflected the sun as if they were nature’s mirror. Even the sight of floating dandelions was a sight to see as we sped through. They were all things I missed from my days of journeying through Unova.

I wanted to keep staring out the window, letting my worries wash away in turn, but I was brought back to reality by stirring next to me.

Sombra’s body shook, her legs stretching out and flexing as she let out the most adorable yawn possible, even her tail stood stiff as she tried to loosen her limbs. The Pokemon lowered her face; eyes half opened before she gazed at me. I smiled at her, reaching out to pet her stomach, to which she replied by licking my hand.

I stared at her for a moment, my expression falling as I remembered the last few days. I felt terrible for having separated her from the others so suddenly, much more so on what was primarily a selfish whim from me.

Glancing ahead of me, I could tell I was in the minority right away. Most of the seats in the Defense Force’s bus were empty, with everyone ignoring each other. That didn’t help in removing the air of tension that had fallen already.

Of course, seeing all the empty seats still weighed on me. I held onto the Rosario now wrapped around my neck, even thinking about my final conversation with mom, as well as the phone call I shared with dad a few hours later.

Nevertheless, Sombra and I were now on our way to the former Lacunosa Town Army Base, now known as the International Defense Force’s Unovan Recruitment Base branch. Lengthy name aside, it wasn’t a place I had wanted to visit, mainly since my own experience with it was a brief tour I had taken on a whim while travelling through the area. Well, at least the ride was comfortable, aside from the occasional speed bump that made me jump up my seat.

I shuffled around in my pocket, taking out the phone to silence my music before we got there, didn’t need to get called out on the first day. Sombra didn’t move her gaze from me all the way, especially when I started rolling my earphones around my hand so that I could carefully put them in my pocket along with my phone. “Hope you had a nice nap, girl. We should be there in a few minutes,” I said to her, only getting a nod in reply.

Surely enough, a few minutes after I pocketed my phone, the bus’ intercoms let out a buzz. “Everyone, please gather your luggage. We’ll arrive at the base in three minutes.” The voice said through the intercom.

I looked outside once more as we passed through the large metallic gates that led into the base, tall marble walls going around it on each side to keep separated from the outside. I stared at the guards stationed at the gate as we passed, courtesy of the bus slowing down to almost a halt. Seeing them standing there, guns and Pokemon at the ready on the off chance that the day might turn sour, it brought home how real this all was.

Still, I didn’t get to stare at them for long as the gate was quickly replaced by the broad fields that led to the base, the gravel and unkempt road dividing both halves of the area evenly. On one half stood a bunch of abandoned tanks and other vehicles. They were probably ones that had broken down years prior during the Kantonian War, at least they seemed that old based on their design and all the moss and weeds growing from them.

The other side of the field stood in stark contrast. Many battling fields were encased by a large wire fence that stretched out about 20 meters on all sides, with soldiers and their Pokemon training at the moment. I remember that during my initial tour of this place they had spoken about how the focus of soldiers’ training had turned towards strengthening their bonds and abilities with their Pokemon, with the conventional use of weapons slowly fading away over time.

It made sense in theory, but it was still an odd sight in practice, seeing all these soldiers and their Pokemon being trained to kill in a way that wasn’t so different from how my Pokemon and I had trained.

I was going to be like them eventually as well.

The bus eventually came to a split in the row, with a giant bronze statue of a Reshiram standing proudly with its wings stretched out in the centre of the road, dividing it into a perfect circle that went completely around it. We glanced at the statue as we passed, its proud and cold gaze staring at the road we left behind. A few sounds of awe and surprise came from the others in the bus, probably because it was their first time seeing it themselves.

I did wonder, where were the legendary Pokemon throughout all of this? Stories always talked about their magnificent feats and how they saved humanity, yet here they were nowhere in sight. I’d say that legendaries weren’t real, but their presence has been highly documented throughout the years to make it hard to believe that they weren’t around during all this.

A wet and rough feeling began overcoming my hand as I sat wrapped in my thoughts. I glanced at Sombra, who seemed to have noticed my pensiveness as she tried to bring me back to earth by licking my hand. “Sorry, I guess I just have a lot on my mind,” I said with a chuckle, trying my best to push those thoughts aside.

We arrived soon after and began getting out of the bus. Unfortunately, I had to return Sombra to her ball, but I made sure to give her a place where she could get a front row seat to everything by attaching her pokeball to a pendant. It was cheesy as hell, and it felt kind of uncomfortable to have it and the Rosario together, but it felt nice to know that she was right there with me.

As I made my way down the bus’ steps, I noticed the girl in front of me trip up. My arms reached out almost instinctively when I heard her gasp, grabbing her arm, and pulling her back. It was a good thing she was unusually light.

“Thank you so much,” the girl replied, still panting from the shock as she leaned against me. It was now that I got a good look at her that I could see her dusky brown skin and brown eyes. She was wearing a blue sweater that covered everything but her hands along with a pair of black pants, all topped by a similarly black veil that she wore around her heard.

“Hey! Get moving!” I heard the driver call out from behind us. His scream startled the woman and she was quick to turn away and get down, with me following behind her, though not before shooting a glare at the bus driver.

“Don’t pay attention to that guy,” I said to the girl, quickly catching up to her once I got down, she seemed to be startled by me talking to her so soon, but I could understand why after what had happened. “Your uh…veil, are you from the Kihali Region?” I asked, tugging on my backpack.

“Oh. Yeah, sort of, I grew up in Unova but my parents came from Kihali,” she replied, letting her guard down a bit as she took a moment to scan me over. “Thanks for back then Ms…”

“Sarah, Sarah Villareal. Just Sarah’s fine though,” I laughed a bit, trying to help alleviate her nervousness a bit.

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Sarah.” A small smile crossed her face before she bowed at me, which seemed odd considering where we were. “My name is Mareeha Jirani.” She added.

“Did you also come here to take the Umbra Project exam?” I asked curiously, still staring at her. Even though she had opened up some, she was still clutching tight to her satchel. I couldn’t help but notice a couple of badges pinned to the strap, each one polished with absolute care, reminding me of how I had stopped taking care of my badges.

“I am,” the woman replied, noticing that I had been staring at her badges and adjusting the satchel so that I wouldn’t be able to get as clear a look at them. “Sorry. We should get going,” she said hesitantly, turning away from me and walking ahead.

I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her back. You wouldn’t believe she was the type of person that was crazy enough to join an untested and experimental military project with her small frame and reserved demeanor. But those badges, someone that wasn’t sure of themselves wouldn’t be able to take so much care of them, I knew because I had failed to do so.

My hand slid up to my neck, clutching Sombra’s pokeball with care. “Let’s go, girl.”

Author's Note:

So, you might wonder. Why the change Flaze? Well I realized that even if I wanted to do a more character focused story I still needed to at least delve more into how these characters work, I realized that the best way to do this was to go back in time, but if I wanted to explain more on the world I needed a...fresher point of view. So I figured since Sarah is as important to the story as Sombra, why not focus on her for a change?

Also for those curious, this is the song Sarah's listening to on the bus:
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvaIgq5j2Q8


I went with a nightcore version because I imagined it being song by Roxie.
 
Okay, so if I'm reading this right, we're seeing the events of part 5 from the other side of the coin, so to speak. I really do appreciate the look into Sarah's mind, here. You can see that things clearly shook her up and made her go rather off the rails. Her narration leans a lot on just telling us that things haven't been going all that great. I did like the "Frustration, regret, acceptance, and then complacency," part. And, while it feels like Sarah came to her resolution a bit on the quick side (especially considering she's drunk), I did like the (literal and metaphorical) trip down memory lane. It was a nice little bit of symbolism. If anything, I'd have liked some more bits like that, if only to make it more convincing that she kicked herself in the pants enough to join the International Defense Force. Maybe I was just a bit thrown off because there was a disconnect with her thinking and actions. Like, she mentions maybe it was the booze talking. But, if anything, I feel like that'd make her reasoning for joining just being more reckless. Her thinking seems pretty lucid. And the impression you're going for says hangover, not drunk. But the way some lines are phrased, you make it sound like she's still drunk.

SilphStation and my copy of “Ultimate Tale XVIII”
Pffffffft. Okay, this made me laugh. As far as bland name products go, this was clever. XD

And to continue Sarah's redemption, she does patch things up with her mom, complete with a symbolic gift gesture. I'll be honest, it's really her dad I was more interested in seeing. But, well, getting called away to work and missing something like this is, sadly, a very true to life scenario. So, I can't fault you there. The transition scene on the bus was just kind of there for me. No complaints, but nothing much to say, either. I am curious about Sarah bringing up legendaries. Mostly because I'd like to see what she thinks about this, rather than just "Well, there's history." Like, is she mad they haven't stepped in? Resentful toward them? Because she seems to believe they exist. Or does she think that people who look up to/believe in them are stupid? I'd like some details, to be honest.

Lastly, there's Mareeha. Who's popped up briefly in the last battle scene. But, well, I don't have a concrete impression of her yet. I'll need to see more in the future.
 
I am so so sorry on the lateness of this, and will admit this is just the straight up copy paste from my stuff in the judging threads not terribly more fleshed out.

Plot:
The plot is basically a standard apocalyptic plot. It shows the beginning of the ultra beast invasion, and gives a rather good insight into how something along those lines could happen in the Pokemon world. The plot does make good use of flashbacks. The story is about half real time and half flashbacks. While most stories would seem cluttered by the jumping around, this one pulls them together quite well.

Setting:
Again just an apocalyptic world. It was a very militaristic kind of world also. One thing that I think not enough detail goes into is what the actual layout of the world is. It sounds like this has been been going on for years, but then why are there people still in the essentially bombed out cities? Stuff along those lines. I do like the incorporation of the mechas into the general plot.

Characterization:
Can’t say much on this front. Only a couple people have even been mentioned multiple times at this point. It is just a story still in its early stages so wouldn’t dock them major points here, but it does seem like only a couple characters are really there.

Style:
Not many stories can pull off having a Pokemon main character, but this one does quite well. Don’t know what else to say other than I truly wanted to just keep reading and was sad when I reached the end, which has to mean something for a good style.

Technical:
Noticed very few errors, noticed that distracted from the story.

Overall: 83/100


I think I remember reading part of this story when it was for URPG, but this is so much more fleshed out and truly fun to read.


Also Sarah, sorry, this is a lot shorter cause I was short on time:
Depth:
I honestly don’t see that much depth. She doesn’t have a lack of depth, but it’s more of the story hasn’t gone on long enough to truly get any kind of decent backstory. There was one chapter, but that one tried to do too much.

Development:
Again there was that one chapter, but we really don’t know much more. She has remained pretty stagnant.

Originality:
She seems like your normal hotheaded trainer. Not much more than that. Doesn’t get along with her parents, wants to be a trainer but got interrupted by a cataclysmic event, not much out of the ordinary.

Entertainment Value:
Meh, she not like comic relief or anything. She is enjoyable to read, at least most of the time but the cringes are just a readers point of view while in her mind they would make sense.

Contribution to the Story:
She’s pretty vital to the story, it’s part of her that makes the whole thing run.

Overall: 71/100
 
What my life come to?

That’s what crossed my mind as I stared at the magenta-hued roof above me.
Make the sentences below the first one shorter. (divide them into two somehow?) It'll keep the sense of mystery and pace.

I let out a groan as I sat on the bed,
Should probably be a full stop.

I let out a heavy sigh as I put on the last of my clothes, hopefully not inside out. I turn towards the woman, whose name at this point I can’t recall, laying on the bed. “It’ll be fine. I’ll call you later, promise,” I slurred.
Some good atmosphere builds up here.

Maybe the way I made my exit wasn’t the best. But I just wanted to run. I grew bored and wary of home and went out to have some fun, but I even ended up becoming tired of that.
Same as above!

I had to do it, if I didn’t then I would’ve ended up going crazy, just waiting and drowning myself in some glass or whatever person that happened to made me feel like I could forget my issues for an hour or two.
The second sentence feels too long.

“Everything ready?” I heard my mom ask from the living room. I stared at her for a moment, still clad in her nightgown with her short, greying hair in a mess. Her eyes were gentle and hesitant with a light red hue to them.
Good use of description in terms of how it's used to describe character personality as well as physical characteristics.

. Chatot Fiesta, scrambled eggs with green tamato and touga berries mixed in and toasted arepas on the side.
Call me nit-picky but I think if you had described how the food tasted/how it felt to eat it would have given us some good atmosphere and insight.

into the soft fabric behind me.
What kind of fabric is it? Like, velvet, cloth, leather?

I did wonder, where were the legendary Pokemon throughout all of this? Stories always talked about their magnificent feats and how they saved humanity, yet here they were nowhere in sight.
So they are alright with ultra-beasts but people lack belief in legendaries?
Not all legendaries have to be thought of as forces for good. You know.

I’d say that legendaries weren’t real, but their presence has been highly documented throughout the years to make it hard to believe that they weren’t around during all this.
Why specifically does Sarah not believe in legendaries? Is it a lifelong thing or did she change her mind one day?

I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her back. You wouldn’t believe she was the type of person that was crazy enough to join an untested and experimental military project with her small frame and reserved demeanor.
This sentence is a bit long and cloggy. You could probably split it off somewhere, perhaps tell us even more about this person?

My hand slid up to my neck, clutching Sombra’s pokeball with care. “Let’s go, girl.”
A nice ending which brings a sense of optimism back to the work which was missing through a large portion of it.

I like Sarah's narrative, it feels very personal and distinctly different to Sombra's. This chapter specifically helped us learn about her life a little more although I would like to see perhaps some more areas are drawn on, such as what she was doing the night before, and her childhood before the attack happened etc. I just want to get know Sarah and her backstory a little more. I also like the use of worldbuilding and description when Sarah first arrived at the training grounds, I'm looking forward to know and learn more of her training properly in the upcoming chapters.
 
all topped by a similarly black veil that she wore around her heard.
around her head. or around her heart, if we're being really metal today.

I liked this chapter. I thought the breakfast scene was a good moment to establish her culture, character and the general emotions of not wanting to leave on some small level. Maybe the military could've been stricter about some things, idk. I got a general impression they were kind of lax/nice for what's essentially bootcamp. Or at least, not going out of their way to be cruel. Which is how those things usually work. Dehumanizing the people involved so much they fight blindly as a unit loyal to command. Which might not be practical with Z-power robots. idk.

I have no further thoughts that I can remember while tired. Good job. Probs the best chapter yet.
 
Well, it took a while, but here are my thoughts on Chapter 6. Probably won't be much here I haven't said to you in chat already, but I suppose a post on a forum is clearer to read and easier to navigate back to.

What my life come to?

Missing "has".

It was meant to make people looking for a quickie get into the mood, but it also made me ponder on my issues even more.

Not sure what the immediate connection between magenta lights and pondering is, but maybe booze is the magic word here, dunno.

shaking it and watching what remained in the glass

before downing what remained in the glass.

Repetitive expression, consider changing either occurrence.

I blinked a few times and sat at the edge of the bed once more when I realized my body wasn’t ready. The room had turned into a jumbled mess of magenta and purple. The purple faux-fur carpet littered with discarded garments and a thrown chair, a memory I was sure I’d recall later.

My feet dug into the carpet, letting me feel the softness of the hairs as I clenched my toes. I could move. That was enough.

I scanned the room, looking for my things, only for a pulsing headache to ring through me due to the quick movements and the alcohol kicking in.

I haven't been too drunk too many times, but this and the rest of the beginning scene definitely sound accurate to how intoxication feels and makes you think.

Their lights cast a shadow over me as I walked.

This could be integrated within another sentence and expanded upon a little, as in this current form it's kind of an obvious fact.

I stared at a closed café nearby, its wooden walls looking unpolished and a huge sign that said “CLOSED” hanging from both the entrance door and from a chain that blocked the way to said door.

Yeah, with this amount of evidence, I don't think you need to specifically mention it's a closed café. The sign and chain kind of give it away by themselves, if the time of day didn't already.

But, could I make my team go through that with me?

I looked back at the restaurant; a longing look on my face as I stared at the image of the younger me.

No.

I know the "no" is like, "no, I can't chicken out of this choice", but at first read it looks like she's answering her own question like "no, I can't make my team go through this - I can't join the army", when she means the opposite.

After I got home that day, I told everyone my decision. The fallout for it was more subdued than I expected. I admit, knowing that she was the one accompanying me filled me with joy, mostly because it brought back memories to the time when we were travelling together.

Finally, the day to set out arrived. I packed everything I wanted into my one travelling bag, some Max Potions and berries for Sombra, my laptop in case I got bored or needed to look something up, a few changes of clothes, some snacks in case I got hungry and a few additional items like my old Go-Goggles.

The return to home was focused on a whole lot in the previous chapter, that's true, but here I would have still expected more to be said about it. The last chapter didn't have what this chapter has, which is Sarah's viewpoint, and given how outrageously she acted I feel like it could have been expanded upon here a little more. She did return home because she realized how long it'd been and how people must be worried, but coming home, she was rude and disrespectful to everyone. This chapter doesn't explain that attitude, while I think it should.

I honestly wanted to grab my old SilphStation and my copy of “Ultimate Tale XVIII” if only for the nostalgia, but that would probably weigh me down.

I'm not totally sure where Sarah thinks she would find the time or space or resources to hook up a game console and play it in the army. I haven't been to the army myself, but my brother has and from what I've seen and heard, consoles wouldn't fit into the schedule. Although it is true that he was in the mandatory service all young men do here, so a voluntary recruit's experience might be a bit different from his.

“You figured I was gonna join an army?” I asked incredulously.

"Incredulously" is a pretty clunky and rare word, so probably better off used elsewhere than in the middle of a dialogue, which are faster paced for the reader.

Suddenly her hand moved back to her neck as she unclasped the Rosario she wore around it. I stared at her for a moment, only for her to stretch her hand out, Rosario clasped in it. “Grandma’s Rosario?”

“Yeah, she gave it to me when I moved out of our home in Nimbasa,” she slowly unclenched her hand, allowing me to get a good look at the glimmering silver of the chain and ring-like figure on it, made to resemble Arceus’ ring of infinity. “Make sure to bring it back okay.”

This kinda felt like it came out of nowhere - religion is mentioned either very few times or not at all before this, so the weight of this act is minimal. It's mean more had the subject been discussed before or even pondered by Sarah.

***
I’m an Angel with a Shotgun

fighting till the war’s won.

I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back.

I’ll throw away my faith babe.

Just to keep you safe.

Don’t you know you’re everything I have!

I was pretty lengthy about this part in chat, but my point still stands: like one or two lines of a song is fine when you just want to establish that the song in question is playing, which you said you were going for. However, this many halts the story in place and makes it appear like a pretty pretentious try at symbolism (especially so given the context: Sarah was just given rosaries and she's going to an army, which makes the connection of the lyrics to the story very heavy-handed), even if you didn't mean for it to come across that way.

Even with things as they were, I would still marvel at the sight of nature. The whistling grass that blew around with the wind,

Nitpick: "whistling" is kind of an odd word choice when she's listening to music inside a bus and wouldn't be able to hear it.

I stared at her for a moment, my expression falling as I remembered the last few days. I felt terrible for having separated her from the others so suddenly, much more so on what was primarily a selfish whim from me.

The thing that really bothers me about Sarah is how she doesn't really dwell on being guilty that long or deeply. It's said that she feels bad, yes, but it feels too little too late as her mother and Sombra seem to have totally forgiven her already.

all topped by a similarly black veil that she wore around her heard.

head*

She was wearing a blue sweater that covered everything but her hands

I think I know what was meant by this, but it's still kind of oddly put. It's totally ordinary for sweaters and long-sleeved garments cover everything but the hands, so the explicit mention of that makes it weird.

In general, I'm not totally sure what to make of this chapter. I don't mean that in the way that it's bad or something, it just feels muted to me compared to the magnitude of this change in Sarah's life. It's likely due to that whole missing/stubbed regret element I've spoken about.

I gotta say, though, that I think your prose has bettered from the previous chapters, so good on you for implementing the criticisms people have given in that regard. It's smoother and more engaging to read now.
 
Hello, back for chapter 5. I heard from one of my little birds that this chapter didn't focus on the mechs at all, which was the big stumbling block for getting me into this story.

General comments
All in all, I found this much more interesting to read than the chapters that focus on the mechs and hyper space and ultra beasts. Down to earth people in down to earth situations always tickle me; they're just so much more believable and personal. I don't know how much more you plan to work with regards to the "before times", but they're easily shaping up to be the better chapters in my opinion.

It wasn't any longer about watching cheesy romantic comedies or hearing Sarah complain about how “Everything had explosions now”.
Hmm, it appears that Sarah and I are on the same wavelength...

But then the second attack happened, and the League suspended all activity, even prohibiting Trainer Journeys and suspending work at Pokeball factories until further notice.
This strikes me as a very odd choice, especially after only a second attack. You'd think that if they were expecting more of these attacks, they might regulate the league in a way that encourages the trainers to become ground troops rather than competitive sportsmen. Similarly, I don't think, in the face of incoming war, that manufacturing jobs that are directly tied to one of the biggest defenses against the newest threat would be the first thing to go. Again, there'd probably be more regulation to ensure resources aren't wasted, but I imagine that since they're not building the mechs yet they'd think that Pokemon in the hands of skilled trainers would be good enough for defense of the nation/world, even if this later turns out not to be the case.

Grammar stuff. I always hate being picky on this section as it feels like a constant barrage of negatives, but these are the things that I saw that pulled me out of the story as I tried to repair them in my mind to continue reading. Standard fare when it comes to my grammar suggestions, things in bold are the things I'd change.
They fell on a small family that had gathered behind her, a steaming bowl of soup in front of them.
Missing comma here that would make the sentence flow much better.

Frustration coursed through me,I lowered my gaze.
Missing space here.

"They're fighting again," I heard Ice Cream muttered.
There's no need to put this word in the past tense, "heard" already sets that up.

"Stop acting like a brat," her father yelled. He got so close to Sarah that I honestly thought he was about to punch him.
I believe, based on the next sentence, this him is supposed to be referring to Sarah? Easy fix.

he turned towards his wife for a moment, only to look back at Sarah. His face riddled with anger and pain.
Two ways you could fix this. You could add "was" between face and riddled, or you could combine the two sentences here. As it is, the second sentence is incomplete.

You know I was never up for the whole Trainer schtick, especially after you decide that it was best to run away. But I accepted it; I supported you."
I noticed an incorrect tense here.

"But now that the League is done with it's time for you to stop playing games. If you don't, then you can just leave."
This line looks like a continuation of Gene's thoughts from the previous line? But it might be Maurine's line. In either case, some clarification would help.

"Please reconsider this," his mom said,
I think you misgendered Sarah again here?

Now, on the spot where I had once stood where a bunch of dust-covered boxes.
I see an extraneous "h" that got in here! :p

She questioned, a slight grin on her face.
Similar to above, a comma here would make the sentence work so much better.
 
It's been a while. Sorry. >.>

Anyway, I remember thinking this was the best chapter of the fic to date. The description's solid, with pretty darn good examples of showing, not telling everywhere you look. Sarah's POV is still interesting, with her berating herself rather heartbreaking, and her sadness and true feelings toward her life shining through more so than in past chapters. She falls into a trap a lot of people do: bottling up her feelings, pretending everything's fine, and taking on way more than she can handle out of a sense of obligation. Oh, and she always goes for practicality distractions over self-care. :p She's not only nuanced, but relatable, so kudos there.

I like the better look into Sarah's relationship with her parents (and oh gosh, that reference to Chatot Fiesta was adorable). Her honesty with nothing being able to keep her stay was... much needed, I think. It's not often Sarah speaks her mind (again preferring to shove everything down), but the army, it's the one thing she's deadset on no matter what, and she's stood up for it in the past. It continuing to be the only thing she stands up for is essential for her character in this chapter, IMO.

My only complaint, I think is the transition here:

The fallout for it was more subdued than I expected. I admit, knowing that she was the one accompanying me filled me with joy, mostly because it brought back memories to the time when we were travelling together.

There's no indication this is Sombra, even though I as a reader know it's her. Last Sombra was mentioned, Sombra was still indecisive. Just a tad jarring.

I know life's been busy for ya, but looking forward to more when you revisit the fic~
 
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