TEEN: Because You Were There

[Beth Pavell]

This one was another on my Awards list:

On the face of it there's not much new about Ultra Beasts destroying the world. But then, the Ultra Beast apocalypse is more of a setting than a plot. I'm ok with that - if anything, I prefer it. It's a reasonable setting to introduce pokémon mechas into, with a reasonable justification. The story is really more of a character study as it stands, flicking back and forth between showing backstory and the setting of the present day. In terms of events it is slow, but this does have a point to it, adding some emotional weight to the present day.

Characterisation
There's a habit of falling back on archetypes here. I remember thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if I saw Sarah turn up in Second Year Rhapsody. For about 80% of the story she's what might be called the generic protagonist, a generically nice trainer and a generically dutiful soldier. To be fair she does start to get some depth in Part 5 when she starts acting out.

But Sombra is really the keystone of the cast, anyway, certainly the character I remember being pleasantly surprised by. Sombra is surprisingly nuanced, in short. She doesn't much like physical affection, but she puts up with it with good grace. She's dutiful, but not insanely devoted to her trainer. She finds humans amusing and confusing, but not to the point of constantly sneering at them. She consistently dodges becoming a caricature, in other words, and I ended up enjoying reading that. Her voice, especially in the inner monologue, is different to what I'd come to expect from a Flaze-fic - kind of wry, a little bit detached and without the habit of making slightly cheesy jokes.

Setting
There's not really a sense of place in the settings. It's hard to see the differences between Ultra Space and the real world, sometimes. I think more than anything the story could do with more of a distinctly Unovan feel to it. It's surprising how little attention is paid to the mechas themselves, and this has knock-on effects with the action sequences losing some real teeth as a result (That's an argument for having some of the mecha battles take place away from Sombra's point of view).

Style
There's something kind of anime-esque about the action sequences - which while they're not the focus of the story per se, still make up a good chunk of the wordcount. They tend to repeat the same basic patterns, described in the same sort of way. Coming back to what I mentioned about the mecha battles under Setting, you'd be forgiven for forgetting that these are pokémon-shaped mechas at all, because the decision to filter everything through Sombra's perception leave the scenes looking like her battling by herself, with the occasional character talking in her ear.

But as I hinted at above, Sombra's inner monologue much flows better, and more believably than most of the spoken dialogue does.

Technical
I'm considering comma use largely a stylistic issue, however, there are plenty of rogue commas in dialogue formatting, and a litter of spelling errors. Mostly looking at a good proof-read.

 

[Ghostsoul]

The theme and premise of this story is an interesting and fun one. Mechs and Pokémon are a rarely seen combination – especially since its focus is not purely action based. The fic also keeps a steady theme of friendship and the bond between Humans and Pokémon throughout. The fic, despite being about gigantic eldritch monsters is ultimately a story about friendship.

The setting description picks up throughout the fic. It’s a little sparse in the first chapter but picks up and actually creates some pretty descriptions later on that tend to have the right amount of detail. The fight scenes feel intense and are well crafted, although it’s sometimes hard to gauge things such as how large the mechs and how large the ultra-beasts are. I think even having the descriptions of the ultra-beasts delivered outside of combat would work well enough. It would allow you to go through the possible stakes of fighting the ultra beasts while keeping the battle scenes fast paced. Perhaps show a solider who had been injured by the ultra beasts and how? This would allow you to focus on what the are really capable of.

The World-building is a mixed bag. It seems very interesting but is limited in many places. Because of the strange way the story jumps around. Of course, time skips in writing is fine – but since the scenes are already fairly short (about 1000/2000 words each) then everything feels as if it’s going too fast. It’s difficult to string together the induvial worldbuilding events and it makes the world itself lack some cohesion. You need to decide what you want each of the chapters to focus on, or even each of the arcs. Perhaps draw a map or plan of the worldbuilding before getting to place inside the fic itself to get a better sense of pacing. I would really like to see the full potential of this world come into view but how it seems scattered makes it hard for the reader to piece everything together.

The characterisation appears to be the general focus of the fic and is where it shines in several places. The relationship between Sarah and Sombra is adorable and realistic. Sombra feels fairly unique, yet not too alien as a Pokemon POV, as some Pokemon POVs tend to be but she still feels a lot like a Pokemon. Yet, he set of eyes are refreshing and add something to the feeling of the story. It fits perfectly well with the setting. Sarah doesn't leave as much of an impact as Sombra does as a character. Perhaps because she also resembled somewhat of a motive for Sombra so perhaps Sarah being ‘outshined’ by Sombra is somewhat of a given. Sombra has compelling backstory and lives in such a strange new world yet her love for Sarah is heartwarming and evident throughout the fic.

I can't say much about the minor characters you've introduced. They were all introduced somewhat quickly and many did not return in subsequent chapters. Most of them didn't leave too much of an impact on the plot.

The grammar and spelling of the story isn’t too bad. It occasionally suffers from the issue of having run-on sentences, however, these are only noticed when you pay a lot of attention to the sentences themselves. Most of the time these slip past and you barely notice them. In terms of spelling errors, I don’t believe I spotted any major ones – so good job. The writing style itself is competent with a good use of dialogue which only furthers to strengthen the feeling of friendship in Sarah and Sombra because it is realistic.

Overall, it’s a pretty good fic. The focus on Sombra and Sarah’s relationship is adorable and original. We see how even in the worst of times that friendship between human and pokemon still pulls through and outshines adversity. Where it falls short is the fic’s understanding of itself. It’s doesn't seem to get its own pacing and worldbuilding too well – this extends to the minor characters you introduce. There is a lot of ‘world’ for the reader to understand for themselves and sometimes they end up being left short. I think if the fic was paced a little slower and you took more time to understand the lives of everyone (not just Sarah and Sombra) after the apocalypse the world would feel more 'real' and the fic would become better overall.

 

[Deleted member 72389]

Hey I am your secret santa reviewer! This is the review for the first three chapters of this story.

Grammar-wise there isn’t much to complain about here. Your prose is quite easily readable. Although, I had noticed a couple of mistakes in the third chapter, so maybe you can have another look at it!

The plot is one of the strongest aspects of this story. I am a huge fan of the Pacific Rim movies and the Attack on Titan anime, and I also think that your story reminds me of those two a lot, which is great for me, because I love the whole mecha and fights sort of stuff. But I was a little confused as to why the legendary Pokemon didn’t come to help the humans against the Ultra Beasts? Or maybe they’ll come in later chapters and I need to be a little patient lol. Also is it going to be mentioned later on why the Pokemon need mechas to fight the Ultra Beasts? Because there has to be some reason why they can’t just fight them on their own.

Character-wise I liked Sombra a lot. Umbreon is one of my favorite Pokemon, and I loved how you had written her over here. I liked Sarah too. I especially liked the kitchen scene in the first chapter which showed a light-hearted moment from their life. Sombra’s early reactions upon seeing Sarah also felt really amusing. My only complaint would be that she warmed up to Sarah way too soon and it felt like she started trusting her too easily. It would have been more fun to see Sarah win her trust somehow.

And your description of the action scenes is really nice. It is fast-paced and detailed. Although it would have been more interesting to get some more details about the mecha. And maybe a few more details about the Ultra Space.

Also, choosing Sombra as your point-of-view character is a good choice because I think it gives a unique touch to the story. Learning about all those events from a Pokémon’s perspective is really interesting.

Also, it was really a relief to know that Sarah, Darrel and his Charizard had survived in chapter three. Because the ending of chapter two really had me thinking that they all had gone. It was a pleasant surprise to see that they had survived.

Overall- The story is really interesting and engaging. I’ll read and review the next chapters soon!