TEEN: Behind Pained Eyes

[Catspring]

Nylivia's personality is kinda weird - she sometimes acts bipolar, in a future chapter (I have them mapped out) she goes from bawling to laughing xD

And yay, if you still want to know more about Seven, then I am doing my job pretty darn well ;D

 

[Drakon]

Chapter 2:

A little short but it works.

One other thing:

Nylivia's POV

"Please, I love to fight!"

Nylivia stared up at her trainer with wide eyes. There was nothing she loved better than being on the battlefield in a test of strength and will, feeling the powerful electricity coursing through her veins as she readied an attack.[...]

"Indicators" (_____'s POV, flashback, etc.) tend to break the immersion the reader has in the story. I suggest finding another way to incorporate this flashback into the story. Tying in with that, a POV indicator is not really needed since this is in a third-person omniscent narration.

But I do love how you showed a contrast between Nylivia's warrior side with the flashback and her tender side. Though I do agree that it was odd that she and Seven became friendly so quickly.

In any case, this looks like a journey but with a unique twist. Good luck in continuing!

 

[Legacy]

The flashback was pretty good. I agree with Drakon about how it could sort of interrupt the flow of the story, but it's hard to go about the whole flashback thing without doing so, and I think in this case, it was necessary to show the softer side of Nylivia's character in comparison to the edginess she is normally shown to have.

Great chapter!

 

[Flygon 101]

Sorry I'm late, had a bit of trouble with Minecraft.......

Anyway, yet another good chapter. I agree with the other comments and how it seems abrupt at some parts. I also think that the edginess and general speed of the chapter could be put down to Emolga (Nylivia) just waking up after a bad dream. I do hope that there are parts of the story which show other parts of her personality.

And no, the length of the chapter is fine. I've seen longer but I understand that that was a good ending point for the chapter. Don't worry about the length, as long as you reach a suitable end for each chapter, you'll be fine.

 

[Catspring]

Chapter Three - Part Uno

(AN: You ask for a different side of Nylivia you get it ;D And yay! Some progress for Seven's character too! Plus check out our niftykeen new banner And this chapter comes in two small parts, part one and part two, to build suspense. I'll post part two tomorrow.)

"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na..."

"SHUT UP!" I growled. That Emolga was really starting to get on my nerves. I bent my head down and concentrated on visualizing Unova in my head. "Where are we, Ny?" I asked, my anger fading and being replaced by determination to reach Nuvema Town.

Nylivia paused for a minute, and I could feel the vibrations as he tail swished back and forth in thought. "If we're where I think we are, then Tubeline Bridge shouldn't be too far away now," she said hopefully, then slapped my nose with her tail lightly. I growled and kept after her; why was I doing, this anyways?

Nylivia may be a little bratty, but she kept my mind off of other things with her antics... exactly what I needed during times like this. Still lost deep in thought, I could feel the ground's tension lesson; Nylivia must've been perking up, looking forward at something. "I can see it!" she squealed. "Tubeline Bridge, here we come!"

I shook my head, snapping myself out of my memories and thoughts. I slammed against the ground once, feeling carefully the vibrations that flowed out from where my body hit the turf. I could feel children playing with Pokemon, running and jumping and throwing frisbees for the Lillipups to catch. I could feel houses and battles... and then there was the bridge. The vibrations got weaker as they neared the shoreline, but it was most definitely there.

It was long, with many pillars. From the vibrations I could feel many holes, and it was most likely made of some kind of metal. The most curious thing, however, was that I could feel something on the bridge. I couldn't feel the spread out vibrations of trainers - just one big hulking mass. "Ny-chan, can you see anything on the bridge? It feels like something big is on there, blocking things from passing."

Nylivia perked up, staring at the Tubeline Bridge. "Um, yeah," she exclaimed, surprised. I guessed she had overlooked it in all her excitement. "It's kinda big and gray and green. It looks like nothing though. It's probably some rotten pile of garbage someone forgot to throw out..." she gulped, and I could smell a trace of fear. But the next time I inhaled, it was gone.

We drew closer to the bridge, and the vibrations from the giant mass grew more and more ominous. This thing wasn't just some old stinky pile of trash. It was alive. And I'd bet my horn it wasn't friendly.

Suddenly, I could feel the intense shadow of the thing looming over us. I didn't know where Nylivia had gone; she had most likely flown up into the air. "Gar...bo...dor!" it moaned slowly and softly. I shivered. This was like something from a horror movie. Was it some type of Pokemon? Suddenly, I was hit in the side with a slimy pile of purple goo. Sludge attack. Yes, this thing was definitely a Pokemon.

I heard a shriek, and felt a small thud next to me. "It's... it's..." Nylivia shivered.

"What is it, Nylivia?" I asked, concerned. She seemed to have lost her spunk, and was cowering near one of the bridge's pillars. "Do you know this Pokemon?"

Nylivia nodded avidly, and I could smell salt. She was crying a little. She mumbled a bit, then cleared her throat and spoke again. "This Pokemon is called a Garbodor... it's a poison type. I'm.. well... I'm afraid of poison types." She cringed, clutching herself and rocking.

"Just stay here, Ny. I'll take care of the fighting," I vowed, staring levelly at her - or so I hoped.

I rushed out into the bridge, shoving back the painful memories. It was ironic, Nylivia, who loved battling, was too afraid to fight, and I, who hated it, was bursting with too much adrenaline to not fight. I'm not sure even today what had caused this adrenaline makeover, but for once in my life I had courage. I wasn't gonna waste it.

The inside of my mouth glowed with the rage of a thousand ancient dragons. The purple ball of energy and hatred gained force until I could barely contain it in my own mouth. At the last possible second when I was sure my head would explode, I released it up into the sky, and it sailed back down, gaining momentum, until it hit Garbodor right in the face. The Pokemon screamed and reeled backwards. It might have even fallen.

The Garbodor struggled back to... whatever the heck Garbodors use to maintain the upright position... and began to form something in its own mouth. I could feel it radiating energy from where I was standing a few meters away. I knew this was it: Gunk Shot, one of the most powerful poison type attacks. Any second now it would come raining down on me and I would be done for. Oh, why didn't I just stay with Rose...?

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the impact, but it never came. After a few seconds, I dared to open one eye. Garbodor was lying on Tubeline Bridge, unconscious. I could see the swirls in its eyes.

Standing in its place was a Raikou.

 

[LightningTopaz]

Wow--I wonder who this Raikou is or what it is doing in Unova?

I picture Nylivia as singing On Our Way (the classic route 1 theme

 

[Thundagere]

Zoroark?
Great chapter, though how could Deino see the swirls in Garbador's eyes?
You portrayed Deino's personality perfectly, actually. I mean, he was so irritated that I actually understood how he felt! You did a great job, and I'm loving this story so far!

 

[Sushi-X]

I really liked it except one thing bugged me.
At the end, if he is blind how did he see Raikou?

 

[Zekurom]

I really liked it except one thing bugged me.
At the end, if he is blind how did he see Raikou?

By scent, perhaps?

Kind of a short chapter, really - in terms of plot, that is.

 

[VeloJello]

Herrrrr derrrr~<3

I'm the only one here who knows who this Raikou is!

I liked the battle sequence; though it maybe could have been a tad longer? I agree with everything, mostly (minus the not knowing who Raikou is. XD)

You may ought to try for longer chapters, though - perhaps more description? After all, blindness is one of the more interesting things to have described. Though I have to say that the character development here is quite good; a big leap from your other stories (not that they were bad or anything). Seven has a very unique protagonist personality from what I know. All in all, keep up the good work.

 

[Drakon]

The battle sequence was really short but decent; it could be a bit longer.

Nice interplay of Seven and Nylivia's personality.

One thing bugged me:

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the impact, but it never came. After a few seconds, I dared to open one eye. Garbodor was lying on Tubeline Bridge, unconscious. I could see the swirls in its eyes.

I thought Deino had no eyes so how does Seven open something he doesn't have?

 

[Lilly2]

Hi! Wow I can't remember the last time I was on Bulbagarden.. but I'm on now, I saw the message, and I was like, "Ehhhh all right". But I'm so glad I started reading this because it's really good! This story is original, it portrays Seven and Ny well, and it has good suspension. I just feel like something is missing between meeting Ny and running into a Raikou (that is, if Raikou plays a major roll in the story, but if he doesn't then it's okay!), just because it brings in too many characters at once for my taste. That's just what I think though. Other than that, I just love the way this is portrayed. Keep up the good work, I can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[Catspring]

/this isn't dead
I will update soon
Just thought I'd let y'all know xDD