Bosses and Lords (AKA Giovanni's Story) (In UK ratings, 11+)

[Kavidun]

Hi. This is my first Fic, so please be gentle with the Comments. I'm new to writing. I planned this out, but if there is anything you feel isn't right about this, say.

PROLOGUE​

The waves rumbled outside The Game Corner. A bead of sweat ran down the Stereotypical Italian mans face. Suddenly, in a voice no-one was expecting...
"Kangaskhan, Use Body Slam. No mercy."
It was a deep american voice, not italian like his looks. His clothes looked light Canadian, from the '90s. Well, it would, as this is '99.
"Pikachu, Thunderbolt. Do your best!"
The two attacks collided like missiles. Pikachu had the upper hand however, despite Kangaskhan being the better Pokémon.
Kangaskhan fell almost flat.
"Hyper Beam"
The beam shone out of the Kangaroo's pouch. The baby in the pouch was the one firing the light. The mother was Sending power, as seen by concentration in it's eyes.
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"You have failed me son."
"Dad, but..."
"No buts. You didn't wish to help me in Team Rocket. For that you'll pay."
"Dad, I'm sorry. I never wanted it to end this way..."
"Neither did I. But we both know this isn't going to work."
"Dad, yes, but..."
"Goodbye Son."
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Pikachu was flung back by the force of the beam. He was flung back. Kangaskhan suddenly froze. Not as in cold, but as in stuck. Static had taken effect from the Body Slam earlier.
"Now's your chance Pikachu! THUNDER!"

That was the final hit. All had ended. Giovanni had lost.
"You fight a good fight, for a loser." Red smirked.
Giovanni was silent as he fled. He fled fast too. He ran south from the Kanto region. He'd try again somewhere else.
---------------------------------------------------
"Dad. Please. I need you. I'll join your team. Whatever you want!"
"Too late. You had your fun, I can't let a moron be in our team."
"Dad..."
----------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS APPRECIATED!

 

[Gama]

The waves rumbled outside The Game Corner. A bead of sweat ran down the Stereotypical Italian mans face. Suddenly, in a voice no-one was expecting...

You don't need a capital letter on stereotypical, you only need capital letters for proper nouns and at the start of a sentence. Names of people and places or, indeed, Pokemon/Pokemon moves constitute proper nouns. For example, Vermilion City, Giovanni, Pikachu, Thunderbolt. If the word does not fall into one of these categories, you do not need a capital letter, for example, stereotypical, sending and other words do not require capital letters.

It was a deep american voice, not italian like his looks. His clothes looked light Canadian, from the '90s. Well, it would, as this is '99.

You don't need a capital letter on nationalities when they are adjectives, for example, english, american, italian. It is generally accepted to do so though, just as long as you keep some consistency, don't switch between 'american' and 'Canadian' for no reason.

The two attacks collided like missiles. Pikachu had the upper hand however, despite Kangaskhan being the better Pokémon.

This extract is really unclear - if Kangaskhan is the better Pokemon why does Pikachu have the upper hand? Do you mean to say that Pikachu came out on top in spite of Kangaskhan being the stronger Pokemon? This sort of thing needs to be a bit clearer.

Pikachu was flung back by the force of the beam. He was flung back. Kangaskhan suddenly froze. Not as in cold, but as in stuck. Static had taken effect from the Body Slam earlier.

Firstly, I don't know why you wrote that Pikachu was flung back by the mean and then in the following sentence wrote 'he was flung back' - we know he was flung back, you just told us that.

Also, I understand that you want to make sure it's clear what you meant when you said 'Kangaskhan suddenly froze' but I feel your explanation that it was not as in cold but as in stuck was not only unnecessary but unclear. Give your readers some credit, let them figure things out for themselves, it was obvious that was what you meant by the time Static was mentioned anyway.

-------------------------

Anyway, grammar isn't everything, I really like the idea of this story, it's an interesting angle to take and I'm quite excited that this is where your story begins - close to where Red's story actually ends. I am quite intrigued to see what happens to Giovanni between generations and after Gen 2/4, so I hope you keep this up.

Basically, my main advice is to proof read your work and maybe even get someone else to proof read it for you so they can tell you where it's a little bit iffy. Keep up with this, Giovanni is one of my favourite characters, I'll be reading.

 

[Kimori-Hinoarashi]

You don't need a capital letter on stereotypical, you only need capital letters for proper nouns and at the start of a sentence. Names of people and places or, indeed, Pokemon/Pokemon moves constitute proper nouns. For example, Vermilion City, Giovanni, Pikachu, Thunderbolt. If the word does not fall into one of these categories, you do not need a capital letter, for example, stereotypical, sending and other words do not require capital letters.




You don't need a capital letter on nationalities when they are adjectives, for example, english, american, italian. It is generally accepted to do so though, just as long as you keep some consistency, don't switch between 'american' and 'Canadian' for no reason.




This extract is really unclear - if Kangaskhan is the better Pokemon why does Pikachu have the upper hand? Do you mean to say that Pikachu came out on top in spite of Kangaskhan being the stronger Pokemon? This sort of thing needs to be a bit clearer.



Firstly, I don't know why you wrote that Pikachu was flung back by the mean and then in the following sentence wrote 'he was flung back' - we know he was flung back, you just told us that.

Also, I understand that you want to make sure it's clear what you meant when you said 'Kangaskhan suddenly froze' but I feel your explanation that it was not as in cold but as in stuck was not only unnecessary but unclear. Give your readers some credit, let them figure things out for themselves, it was obvious that was what you meant by the time Static was mentioned anyway.

-------------------------

Anyway, grammar isn't everything, I really like the idea of this story, it's an interesting angle to take and I'm quite excited that this is where your story begins - close to where Red's story actually ends. I am quite intrigued to see what happens to Giovanni between generations and after Gen 2/4, so I hope you keep this up.

Basically, my main advice is to proof read your work and maybe even get someone else to proof read it for you so they can tell you where it's a little bit iffy. Keep up with this, Giovanni is one of my favourite characters, I'll be reading.

You don't need a capital letter on stereotypical, you only need capital letters for proper nouns and at the start of a sentence. Names of people and places or, indeed, Pokemon/Pokemon moves constitute proper nouns. For example, Vermilion City, Giovanni, Pikachu, Thunderbolt. If the word does not fall into one of these categories, you do not need a capital letter, for example, stereotypical, sending and other words do not require capital letters.




You don't need a capital letter on nationalities when they are adjectives, for example, english, american, italian. It is generally accepted to do so though, just as long as you keep some consistency, don't switch between 'american' and 'Canadian' for no reason.




This extract is really unclear - if Kangaskhan is the better Pokemon why does Pikachu have the upper hand? Do you mean to say that Pikachu came out on top in spite of Kangaskhan being the stronger Pokemon? This sort of thing needs to be a bit clearer.



Firstly, I don't know why you wrote that Pikachu was flung back by the mean and then in the following sentence wrote 'he was flung back' - we know he was flung back, you just told us that.

Also, I understand that you want to make sure it's clear what you meant when you said 'Kangaskhan suddenly froze' but I feel your explanation that it was not as in cold but as in stuck was not only unnecessary but unclear. Give your readers some credit, let them figure things out for themselves, it was obvious that was what you meant by the time Static was mentioned anyway.

-------------------------

Anyway, grammar isn't everything, I really like the idea of this story, it's an interesting angle to take and I'm quite excited that this is where your story begins - close to where Red's story actually ends. I am quite intrigued to see what happens to Giovanni between generations and after Gen 2/4, so I hope you keep this up.

Basically, my main advice is to proof read your work and maybe even get someone else to proof read it for you so they can tell you where it's a little bit iffy. Keep up with this, Giovanni is one of my favourite characters, I'll be reading.

Double post! I agree with GM, but I think that this could be a really good fic once you spell check and such. Is this going to end with the Tohjo Falls suicide?

 

[Gama]

My bad, I was on a really slow computer, I must've clicked it more than once cos it looked like it wasn't working.

 

[Kavidun]

Thanks for commenting! I'm not giving too much of the ending away, although one clue - it ends in to Tohjo falls. Thats all I'm saying. Update soon!

About that "flung back" thing, bad error

Giovanni is the best boss EVER. Anyone wondering who the lords are yet?

 

[Kavidun]

Here is Chapter 1!

Chapter 1
Tropical Disaster!​

Persian raced through the valley, ignoring all attempts to slow it down, including the Pallet Town Police. Giovanni was on it's back, clinging on. "Left, Right, Left, Left, Left; No I meant Right!" as he raced toward Hoenn. Once or twice, migrating Beedrill hit him in the face, and an angry Combee chased them around, but they eventually reached the border.
---------------------------------------------------
What have I done?
I have failed him.
He beleived in me.
I should have sent out my only Pokémon, Honchcrow, and helped him beat Red.
But I didn't.
For that I must pay.
I'll go around theiving everything I can.
I'll go to rocket school.
I'll change my name.
I'll become a Grunt.
He'll never know.
Never know that I am his son.
My new name,
Silver.
----------------------------------------------------
Hoenn was nicer than in the photos he'd seen. True, the people had an attitude, and Border Control saw him as an "Illigal Foreigner", but the eventually let him through.

Fallarbor Town was gorgeous. After waking over a dirty bridge, it was the nicest thing ever for Giovanni. After all, he was going to try and find his Executives. They had vanished, and he needed them for the Johto Takeover. Where were they?

"Meteor Falls now, over."
Who was that?
"REPEAT. All Grunts at Meteor Falls NOW. Over."
The Woman who had spoken wore red and black clothing, and no-one had seen her smile. She paused as she walked, flashing looks behind her to check if she was being followed. She wasn't. Until Giovanni started to. He'd seen a flash of himself in a photograph. Slowly walking towards her, he suddenly realised he himself was being followed. It was... Kangaskhan.
"Stop it. You nearly scared me." He said, opeining Kangaskhan's Ball, which he happly jumped into.
"Kanga!"
This noise alerted Maxie. "What are you doing?"
"Um, well, you see um, um, um..."
Maxie gasped. "You're Giovanni!"
"Well yes I am, but..."
"YOU EVIL STINKING BLOODY THEIF!"
"I beg your Pardon?"
"You stole the Magma Emblem, and the Magma Stone, correct?"
"What the dickens are you on about?"
"Right. Lets have a battle. The Magma Stone makes you win, unless you are near the Aqua Stone, right? If you have the Magma Stone, you'll win. If I have it, I'll win, if it's a draw then there is another thief out there." Maxie explained.
"You're ON!
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Battle next chapter...

 

[InsomniaticSpriter]

I love it. I'm not the most observant reader, as is obvious in some of my own fics, but I didn't see many errors. A little rushed after Kangaskhan appeared though.

 

[Kavidun]

A little rushed after Kangaskhan appeared though.

Maybe, but I did that on purpose, as Maxie is very Impatiant.

 

[Pidgeot]

It's ok, looking forward to Chapter 2.

 

[Aladar]

Well... it is very short and very rushed.

The idea is good but you keep changing the POV from Gio's, to Gio's memories, to Silver's and so on. Also, there's a biiig balck of description. You start the prologue with a good description, so you can do it, but you choose not to and instead rush it so you can post sooner and that way get more comments. I know that feeling very well. When I feel that way I force myself to stop writing for the time being. No sense rushing and making it bad.

And we don't know why and how things are hapenning. One minute Gio's getting chaced by the Pallet Police, the second he crosses the Hoenn border and is in Fallarbor. On the back of his Persian. Fallarbor is smack in the middle of Hoenn, near Mt. Chimney. And Hoenn is an island. See the logic going down the drain here?

 

[Kavidun]

http://archives.bulbagarden.net/media/upload/b/bf/Fallarbormap.PNG
Plus, I meantioned a bridge.

Yes, it is a bit rushed. And you know that feeling? Even you, a brilliant writer? Wow.

 

[Aladar]

Can't see the pic there.

I don't consider myself brilliant but any writer knows the feeling. Get used to it and do something about it.

In every canon so far, Hoenn is accesible only by sea or by planes. How did that bridge magically appear? Besides, why escape in Hoenn? TR has branches in the Sevii Islands and later in Johto. Gio knows that Hoenn is Magma and Aqua's turf.

 

[Kavidun]

This isn't canon, so I made a bridge so he could get there.

This is set in the middle of Emerald. Not many people know about Magma/Aqua.

This is therefore before the Sevii Islands and Johto Plot.

Like I said, he needs to find the Executives.


(I've just realised this is sounding like an argument out of Ace Attourney )

 

[SaintJimmy]

I think it's overall very good, except for the 'flung back' thing...

 

[Kavidun]

I think it's overall very good, except for the 'flung back' thing...

I acknowlage that error.

 

[Gama]

Just read chapter 1, you need to proof read some things, there were a few errors in that chapter though I can't exactly remember them.

Aladar, I agree with you in parts, but I think you're being overly picky in others.

Aladar is definitely right in saying that it does feel rushed and I can't help but think you might have rushed this out too quickly to do the story justice.

If LA wants Gio to escape to Hoenn, why in the hell not, he doesn't have to know that it's Magma/Aqua turf. Who says he considers them a threat even if he does know that? Maybe that would make it an even better place to hide out because the local law enforcement will be after them and not him - there are all sorts of explanations.

I actually like the switch of perspective, but I found this story a little confusing and not in a good way. (Yes, in my opinion, there is a good way for your reader to be confused)

Firstly, not sure who the woman was... Didn't really get that one. Are you referring to Maxie? Maxie's definitely a bloke.

I didn't like that there's a border between Pallet Town and Hoenn, I thought that was a bit silly as Hoenn is like tropical but I guess it is TECHNICALLY possible, so I'll just file that particular comment under your artistic license.

I REALLY didn't like the dialogue between Maxie and Giovanni, very immature and confusing. I wouldn't call it a rule, but in my opinion, using capitalisation to place stress in a sentence looks really bad within a story. (I know I've done it within this message, but I would never do it within a story) Personally, I italicise, which you clearly know how to do, but it's your call, I wouldn't call that a fatal error.

Maxie's logic when challenging Giovanni to a battle seemed quite flawed and although he is hotheaded, he's always struck me as quite intelligent. Neither Maxie nor Giovanni seem in character in this and I'm not sure what canon this is set in - is it the games? Or possibly the manga? I don't think it's the anime, but I haven't watched that since half way through the Johto arc anyway, so I have no idea.

I like the idea of this fic, but it certainly needs a lot of work. I'll still be reading, keep at it.

 

[Aladar]

Okay, okay, I guess I was overly picky here. xD

And I don't think it's based on any of the known canons. In the anime Gio knows about Magma and Aqua and says they're the reson TR doesn't have a branch in Hoenn. In the manga he waits until they've killed each other off and just plays scavenger. And in the games they don't interact at all. The games are the best bet IMO.

 

[Gama]

Okay, okay, I guess I was overly picky here. xD

And I don't think it's based on any of the known canons. In the anime Gio knows about Magma and Aqua and says they're the reson TR doesn't have a branch in Hoenn. In the manga he waits until they've killed each other off and just plays scavenger. And in the games they don't interact at all. The games are the best bet IMO.

Haven't read the end of the DP or HGSS arcs of the manga, so I didn't know that and yes, the games are indeed the best. (Although I think Special is awesome)

 

[Kavidun]

This may sound silly, but I havn't set it in any particular canon.

Storyline - FANON/Games
Battle Rules - Anime


And here's the thing - I think Maxie is a girls name. Whatever your opinons, the story plan would fall apart if they were a man.

Gastly's Mama, I'm trying in that capitilisation and all that "hot headed" stuff to make maxie seem impatiant. Again an important aspect, this decides Giovanni's... (I won't go further.)

 

[Kavidun]

No-one's posted in a while, so I might as well update.

Battle! Maxie and Giovanni!​

"Kangaskhan! Take the stage!"
Giovanni's voice echoed as Kangaskhan appeared from the Sphere-Like object.
"Groudon. Power Up!"
Nothing happened. This proved Maxie was not in possesion of the Magma Orb.
"Camerupt. No mercy."
This time the Pokéball in Maxie's belt flew into her hand. It split in half, leaving it open. A burst of light exited. This light became slowly the shape of the Camel-Like fire that is Camerupt.
"Kangaskhan. Use Body Slam."
"Camerupt. Follow suit."
Kangaskhan succesfully pulled off the move. It hit directly, blasting Camerupt back.
"Camerupt can't learn that move, idiot."
"Better than having a big "R" on your chest. What does it stand for, is it RETARD?"
More like you are the retard, Giovanni thought, but didn't say it.
"Camerupt. Use Ember."
"Kangaskhan. Hyper Beam."
Ember hit first. It appeared to have no effect on Kangaskhan.
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"Training begins now."
"Yes Executive Archer."
I knew this would happen.
"To recap last lesson, what is our main goal?"
"To find Giovanni sir." Everyone said. But I accedentely said, "To find Dad sir."
Archer was not pleased. He ran a blood test immediately.
"Paul. Why?"
"It's Silver, actua..." I started, but realised my mistake.
"What happened?"
"Well..." and then I told the story. Right from Dad loosing the battle with Red, to him banishing me for not helping him, to right now.
"I see."
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Hyper Beam was was next. It hit Camerupt right in the eye. Camerupt collapsed almost instantly.
"Return. Go Crobat."
Crobat came out of the ball. At the same time, both Giovanni and Maxie yelled, "Use BITE!"
The attacks collided. Kangaskhan fainted due to loss of blood due to sucking from the bat.
"Hey, that's against the rules!" Giovanni spluttered.
"Not my rules." Maxie sniggered.
"Persian, it just you now. Well, there's Honchcrow, but this is 2 on 2."
Both of them said, "Use Bite." The two criminal bosses, ironically enemys, thought the same things.
The result was suprising. Neither of the attacks hit.
"Use Bite again!" yelled Maxie.
Giovanni thought, then said, "Now use Crunch!"
The attacks collided head on and they both stumbled, then collapsed.
"A draw." Maxie said.
"Yep."
Brendan then strode in just as Giovanni strode out. They barely glanced at each other. Brendan got ready to fight.
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