• Magnificent Entertainer supercharges his team with some new TMs. Watch here as he wishes that the player character was wearing a trench coat.

Bosses and Lords (AKA Giovanni's Story) (In UK ratings, 11+)

Hoenner and B/W fangirl
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I only have one major problem with the story, apart from what's been mentioned.

Maxie, in all canons, is most definitely male.
Although the name seems predominately female, it's a more childish, diminutive nickname of Maxwell or Maximilian. Other fandoms have men with the same name; i.e. Maxie Zeus in Batman. Also, I believe he refers to himself in the masculine pronoun 'boku' in Japanese. There's also a distinct lack of chest in his sprite, in which he does, admittedly, look most feminine. He does have a few stereotypical feminine attributes; i.e. the hand-on-hip in RSE and his slight build, but speaks in a more rushed, masculine manner. Also, his name in the Japanese is Matsubusa, which also hints at his sex being very much male.

Sorry about the rant, but, you see, Maxie is my favorite character in the fandom itself, and it almost hurts to see the fandom butchering him with mistakes to his gender and calling him Maxine.

Also, the two do speak pretty immaturely. Note that they're thirty-to-forty year-old criminal geniuses; you have them talking a bit like middle or Jr. High-schoolers. Neither of them are really in-character, Maxie in particular. Although he's pretty hot-headed (I should know, I've been studying my R/S/E in order to better roleplay him), he's also strikingly intelligent and cool when it comes to those he doesn't hate too much. I seems highly out of his character to have him order his Camerupt to use a move it doesn't know, as well as to stoop so low as to call Giovanni a retard. A bit more IC would have him spew a few lines of complicated insults. As for Giovanni, he's a criminal as well, he'd hardly care about battling rules. Mewtwo, anyone?

Your chapters are rather short, and don't give much description. Otherwise, your grammar is...eeech. You should be using a comma instead of a period at the end of a person's dialogue; for example; '"Hey," she said.' Instead of '"Hey." she said.' You tend to capitalize things that don't need it, like how you put in Camel-Like, when both should be lowercase, as well as using capitalization for emphasis instead of bold or italics. Those two look much better, and caps should be used for yelling only, really.

All-in-all, and call me critical, your writing is budding. The plotline is okay, I suppose, but would be much better had you a better style. Work at it, and you might be a great fic-writer one day.

Also, I love the font you used in your signature advertisement. Unreal Tournament FOR THE WIN.

Edit:
WAIT. WAIT.
Spoiler to my speculation of the story:
"Giovanni's kid has red hair." YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
OH GOD NO. MAXIE IS NOT SILVER'S MOM. NO. NONONONONONONO. I JUST-MY BRAIN EXPLODEALFYCO:ASR. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WHY YOU DO THIS?!
 
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Hello.
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Also, the two do speak pretty immaturely. Note that they're thirty-to-forty year-old criminal geniuses; you have them talking a bit like middle or Jr. High-schoolers. Neither of them are really in-character, Maxie in particular. Although he's pretty hot-headed (I should know, I've been studying my R/S/E in order to better roleplay him), he's also strikingly intelligent and cool when it comes to those he doesn't hate too much. I seems highly out of his character to have him order his Camerupt to use a move it doesn't know, as well as to stoop so low as to call Giovanni a retard.
The first bit: That's called humour. I'm making them talk like Middle-Schoolers because I wanted to add the sense of Maxie being, well, im-mature. I know thats not her attitude, but s/he's the closest I got to the character I need for this. And I could hardly let myself ruin the plot, right? The plot point of Maxie being an Immature Female is vital to the plot.

The second bit: Well, he/she did. And besides, he/she's new to the criminal mastermind thing. This is his/her first attempt at a takeover. And she was trying to follow suit - allowing the power to be even.

The third bit: S/he called him a retard. He'd made fun of Him/Her, S/he wanted to call him a name back. (Plus it was too good an opportunity to miss.

Now then, enough Replying, next chapter!

CHAPTER 3: Testing a Master!

Ash Ketchum gazed at the ground. He felt guilty about this.
"NOW, I ask again. Did you steal my Hot-Dog?" Brock Asked again.
"Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Um, Yes, Um, Um, Um, Um." Ash hid the answer in with all the "Um". Unfortunately, Brock Noticed.
"That is not like Ash to do that." Dawn broke in.
"Yeah, I didn't mean to do it!" Ash replied.
In the corner, Jessie and James were looking on.
"Was this one of your plans?" Jessie asked.
"N-n-n-not me, I s-s-swear!" James replied, nervous.
"And it ain't me neither!" Meowth cut in.
"Then who did it?" Jessie asked.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Paul, you are doing well." Archer said to me.
"T-t-t-thanks."
"Now then, that was just a test. You successfully found Ash Kethum, our target." He said again, then to the technicians, "Initiate biological references."
The computer voice said, sounding sad and cold, "Blood data found. Giovanni is being searched for. Name regions to search."
"Kanto, Sinnoh, Johto, Almia, Fiore, Orre, Hoenn."
"Searching Kanto, Sinnoh, Johto, Almia, Fiore and Orre."
Only I noticed it had missed out Hoenn, but I thought the computers voice must have made a mistake. I didn't worry about it.

----------------------------------------------------------------

"Pikachu, land the finishing blow! Thunderbolt!" Brendan yelled.
Camerupt lay on the ground. Faint. Near-Dead.
Giovanni paused as he went out. Maxie. Lost. Against a rookie? He had never felt so ashamed. Beaten by Maxie, who was beaten one on one by a rookie? Never.
"Brendan. I challenge you one on one. It will count as a Viridian City Gym Battle. This badge counts towards every region's League."
"You're on, Mr, Um, Er..."
"Giovanni."
"Mr Giovanni, sir."
"No, just Giovanni, Brendan."
The way Giovanni spoke to Brendan was different, like they'd met before, a long time ago. It was almost like they were related. Were they? No, Norman was Brendan's father. But some other relation? He was old enough to be a Grandparent, perhaps? No-one knew.
They picked their Pokémon. Honchcrow and Electrike.
"Honchcrow, out you come!"
"Electrike, centre stage!"
They both came out successfully.
"Honchcrow, use Thunder Wave."
"Electrike, you too."
Both attacks hit, paralising spot on.
Now then, time to end this... Giovanni thought.
"Now... DARK PULSE!"
"THUNDER!"
The attacks collided like two Conkers in the heat of battle, like Expelliamus and Avada Kadavra in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, like the final kick in a game of football and...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Please comment!
 
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It's looking good so far to me, I'm interested to see what's coming up next. Small nitpick on the fact that Camerupt was knocked out by a Thunderbolt when it's immune to Electric-type attacks, but otherwise I think it's fine :)
 
In pain and Insane.
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Okay, first of all, LOVE the Harry Potter reference, but not everybody wactches it. It'd be better to use a different metaphore.

As for your writting style, each paragraph/speech should be double spaced.

Like

this.

Not
like
this.
 
Hello.
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Yeah, but that's anime phisics for you *shrugs*
 
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Hello.
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Okay man. Here it is. The next chapter:

CHAPTER 4
THE NEXT STAGE OF SINNOH!​

Proton, Petrel and Ariana were wandering around near Jublife. A few Starly were happily flying, and Bidoof were wandering around. Petrel casually chucked an Ultra Ball at a Bidoof and caught it. He then sent the Team Rocket Delibird back with it to Giovanni's Hideout.
"You really are taking this search too seriously. I mean, if we don't find him, we can take over Team Rocket!" Ariana said.
Proton gasped, "We must find the one who once ruled us."
"Yeah, I suppose." Ariana.
------------------------------------------------------------------
"No Matches Found." The computer said.
"WHAT?" Archer screamed. "What a fat lot of use you turned out to be.
He then talked on a walkie talkie to, as I later dicovered was to the executives, saying about the problem.

----------------------------------------------------------------
"WHAT? No Matches, are you serious?" Proton said.
"I don't think Archer'd Lie." Ariana said grimly.
Petrel remained silent. He'd just heard a rustle in the trees.

Jessie, James and Meowth were indeed in the bush. Waiting for something to happen.

"More Team Rocket? What do these people want?" Meowth said.
"EHEM..." James and Jessie were pointing at the "R" on their own T-Shirts.
"Ooops, my bad!" Meowth looked embarresed.

Petrel sent out his Munchlax silently. The crazy 'mon did what it did best. Used snore. It sent Jessie, James and Meowth blasing off. "I never liked those people anyway," he said smugly.
 
追放されたバカ
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Your chapters are rather short and look rushed, but other then that, I like the layout of your chapters and the storyline, anything with Team Rocket in it I like :)
7/10
 
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Hello.
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Thanks for the Comment!

Do you have any ideas on improvements?
 
rewrites your life
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Well, yeah. You requested me to read this, so I did. I'm not good at giving critique, but...
  • I have to agree to everyone else that Maxie is definitely a male character in every canon. Using female pronouns on him is odd, and I don't see any reason for making him a she, other than your argument on name's tone.
  • Why did Petrel catch a Bidoof? Why did we need to know this? It just seems completely irrelevant to anything.
  • Following the story is a bit hard, since most of the chapters follow different people, and there's always a clip or two of another character's POV mixed in.
  • Anime physics don't really make up for the fact that Ground-types are immune to Electric moves. Usually mistakes like this sound more like Did Not Do The Research.
  • You were told on odd capitalization in the very first feedback post. Yet, you still do it ("No Matches", "I don't think Archer'd Lie", "T-Shirts" - only the T should be capitalized).
  • Especially the last chapter was very short. You might want to write a bit more at once.
  • I don't feel like repeating the other reviews further, but most of the points there are quite valid.
 
Hello.
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Thanks for the comment U.S.

One of those points, the Petral/Bidoof point, may seem irrellevent but just you wait...
 
Hello.
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Um... hi. This was my first fic and I need an opion, should I continue it?

It's been ages since I paid attention to it, and I wish I'd paid more attention, and with two more fics on the go - should I finish this one?
 
Not a Power Ranger
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Yes,continue it. Take your time if you must. Its sad when fics, especially good ones end abruptly due to lack of readers.

So I'll keep reading it because its good.
 
Hello.
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If I get you and two more readers, I'll be continuing, as it's not right to write a fic with one reader, that's kinda sad.
 
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