• Magnificent Entertainer pokes around in the Great Marsh and battles his rival again. Will Zexy finally overcome ME's team? Watch here to find out.

TEEN: Broken and Burning [Chapter Two Added]

As Dark as White can be..
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A beginning to a hopefully successful fanfic.
Rated teen, as written by a teen. I believe that nothing too offensive is included
Feedback is well appreciated.

Enjoy.

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Broken and Burning: Prologue

A high midday sun shines upon a bustling playground of schoolchildren, its summer heat having no visible effect on the energetic youths. The occasional professor steps out of their relaxed patrol routine to caution a few over-exited children but, with no intimidation intended. Calm and blue skies compliment the brilliant sunshine beaming down onto our now peaceful scene, it shines on all children but one.

A boy of no real stature sits beneath the great Oak in the corner of the playground. Remaining oblivious to the beautiful weather as to further his studies on Pokemon Abilities. His nose dug deep into his textbook, he was yet again oblivious to another, rather obvious, factor.

“Hey Blake! Guess whaaat!”

The boy started in surprise, before prizing his eyes away from his beloved learning to see from where the chirpy, female voice had come.

His eyes peeked over the book, in his view he caught a pair of open topped shoes, revealing the tops of a rather petite pair of feet to the harsh sun above. His eyes travelled further upwards, taking in the girls bare legs, before moving to her untucked shirt past her underdeveloped breasts and onto her reddened face, that of which was beautifully accompanied by a beaming smile of pearly whites.

The boy’s body relaxed as he took in his closest friend’s beautiful forest green eyes, as a stark contrast to her rosy face and, more noticeably, her blazing ember-orange hair.

“Hello Eloize...” The boy spoke in an annoyed tone but, his acting was poor, it was obvious he was pleased his most trusted friend had taken the time out of her busy lunch-break to speak to him.

“Hiya Blake! GUESSWHAT!”

Her ever so eager tone always managed to bring Blake into a happier mood.

“I simply can’t fathom, what?”

Eloize, now literally buzzing with excitement was finding it difficult to refrain from screaming.

She failed.

“OHMYARCEUSTHEREISAREALLIFEPOKEMONINTHESCHOOLGROUNDANDGUESSWHAT”

Quite impressed at his ability to follow that, he questioned again...

“What?!”
“It’s a Growlithe!” came the reply, even if it was rather exasperated.

Now, being born and raised in Celadon city, and the west side of the city at that, Blake was more than aware of the rareness of a Growlithe. Add to that his love for learning and general desire for knowledge, and the young boy could easily understand where this young girls exitement was stemming from.

“OK then? Where is it?”

The girl turned to face behind her, pointing at a quickly expanding crowd of people, all students with no professors withing caring-range. However what Blake was more taken in by was the flick of her skirt and the flash of her fiery red hair in the sun.

Distracted again, Blake failed to realise the girl whom he was gawking at had already departed, at quite a pace too, into the direction of the crowd.

She didn’t even turn as she shouted back to him, “Come on!”

He snapped out of his daydream, and began to give pursuit. After a few moments the pair arrived at the scene, rather exhausted but all the same exited!

The excitement shattered as the scene before them unfurled itself. A wounded Growlithe lay in the centre of the circle of people, holding a fore leg off the ground due to the rather painful looking gash upon it. It growled as it’s offender approached for a second offense.

The boy was two years above Blake in school years, but he looked so much more. The man-boy’s hair was cut to the shape of his head, his uniform untucked and scruffy, none too similar to his shoes.

Standing by those very shoes, was a very buff looking Poliwhirl, whom was readying what seemed to be another Double Slap attack.

Out of everybody in the surrounding crowd, which contained the majority of the school by now, why he chose to stand out alone... he had no clue.

Blake stepped in front of the young Growlithe, whose growling ceased upon his entry. As did the hysterical laughter of the bully stood in front of him.

“Hey” Blake was running on his will to prove himself. “You” He didn’t know how this speech was going to go.

“You do know that Pokemon aren’t allowed in school don’t you?!”

Well played hotshot, point out a school rule, that always works...

...idiot!


The bully smirked, he had this kidcornered.
“Hey nerd, get out of here! You don’t belong in a battle! You belong in a classroom, with your gay little books!”the bully shouted back, his confidence building with every word.

Blake took that as an un-necessary remark. “That wasn’t very nice,” he retorted, in a rather broken voice.

“Of course it wasn’t! Stupid, little freak!”

“Urm... Neither was that-”

Blake’s mutterings was cut short by the order of a second Double-Slap by the bully. Yelping in surprise, he proceeded to dodge the attack. However, after turning his head, he saw how foolish he’d been.

The young pup howled in pain.

“Stop it!”

“Make me, geek! Come on, show me what you’ve got! Or are you too WEAK?!” the bully shouted, putting emphasis on the last word intimidating Blake further.

“I’ll tell you what,” he continued, “I’ve seen you with that red haired girl... How about you get out of the way..." He paused. To Blake, time began to still as the bully finished his threat...

“Or I beat the hell out of that ginger bitch!”


*Snap*


Blake couldn’t believe what he just heard.
He couldn’t help but march his way to the bully, whom which was rather beginning to regret his earlier mouthing off.

The young bookworm also couldn’t contain his pure anger as he raised his right fist to punch the bully.

Only after being dragged from the boy 12 minutes later could the young boy manage to contain his anger and calm himself. Unfortunately, the blood shed by him was splayed on the hot playground surface, for all to see.

Blake shrugged his captors away. And walked towards the main school building. Knowing fully well, something inside him had truly broken away.
 
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Paint it black
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Re: Broken and Burning: Prologue

Wow. Really great. The way Eloize talked was perfect, just like most excited little kids sound.
 
silence and sound
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Re: Broken and Burning: Prologue

It's seems really nice and interesting. Good job with the Prologue, it definitely pulled me in to the story!

However, there were quite a number of grammatical errors and other stuff that I think would be better if changed. The errors weren't that big - not all of them, at least - though they were repetitive.

Your main problem is with dialogue tags. Sometimes, you did not put a punctuation mark. Like here:
“OHMYARCEUSTHEREISAREALLIFEPOKEMONINTHESCHOOLGROUNDANDGUESSWHAT”
“Hey” Blake was running on his will to prove himself. “You” He didn’t know how this speech was going to go.
And other times, you did - which makes you rather inconsistent. Also, some punctuation marks were used in the wrong way.

When a new/next person speaks, always put it in a new paragraph. You did this sometimes, but not all the time. Again, you need to be consistent - otherwise, it'll look like you don't know much about paragraphing and such.
“Stop it!”
“Make me... Geek! Come on, show me what you’ve got! Or are you too WEAK?!” the bully shouted on the last word, intimidating Blake further.
“I’ll tell you what” he continued “I’ve seen you with that red haired girl... how about, you get out of the way...” he paused, time seemed to still...
That should be:
“Stop it!”

“Make me... Geek! Come on, show me what you’ve got! Or are you too WEAK?!” the bully shouted on the last word, intimidating Blake further.

“I’ll tell you what,” he continued, “I’ve seen you with that red haired girl... how about, you get out of the way...” he paused, and time seemed to stand still...
Ignore the other changes I made (they've been bolded), they're just suggestions. ^^

I'm not going to make a really long post pointing out all the mistakes and explaining them, because that will be rather harsh. But, if you want, drop me a VM/PM and I'll happily point out and explain the others to you through PM.

Other than that, your detail/description was good, as well as how you portrayed the characters. The plot seems interesting, so keep it up!

~MuddyMudkip
 
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As Dark as White can be..
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Re: Broken and Burning: Prologue

Wow. Really great. The way Eloize talked was perfect, just like most excited little kids sound.
Thanks!

And other times, you did - which makes you rather inconsistent. Also, some punctuation marks were used in the wrong way.
Punctuation was never a strong point of mine, and I've never really used speech in my writing before, but thanks for pointing it out!
 
As Dark as White can be..
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Re: Broken and Burning: Prologue

Right. Here comes the first chapter.
Enjoy.

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Broken and Burning: Chapter One

From Hate Comes Strength

A high mid-day sun shines upon a field of school children. The sky is blue, and barely a cloud is visible in the beautifully bright sky. Any other day, this description would be classed as “perfect”.

However, with two jabs to the face and a third to the stomach, the young man being held by a pair of thugs -whilst being beaten by a third - saw this day as anything but perfect. He turned to face his main oppressor, and spat blood at his feet.

“You just don’t learn, Scarly-Boy!” The bully grinned dumbly at his joke, then insisted his partners shared his enjoyment too. Before questioning further. “Do you?”

The adolescent had his head down, but his smirk was still detectable by not only the bully trio, but also by the now increasing crowd that had to come to watch the Scarlet kid hold his own, yet again.

The crowd cheered as the boy raised his head. The trio did not. And for good reason.

“I’m Sorry, Surge but,” - he fired his left elbow back at high speed into the first, unsuspecting bully’s face -“No, I don’t.” He gripped the second bully by the wrist, and proceeded to vault him over his stronger shoulder, launching him onto his back.

Surge Junior’s two accomplices lay on on the floor; one with blood spouting from his nose, and the other writhing around moaning in quiet agony over his pained back.

Blake Scarlet pulled himself to his full height. Even at fifteen years of age, he stood a head shorter than a seventeen year old Surge. But that didn’t matter. With his dark, shaggy brown hair, defined features and toned body, Blake Scarlet had an aura that demanded respect.

His deep brown eyes showed no signs of remorse, or even regret for that matter. It was almost as if something was missing...

Blake raised his head again to speak as he took a step towards his previous attacker. The crowd became silent.

“Surge. Last time you tried to take me, we had to end pre-maturely. However now, that won’t be a problem.”

The crowd roared, but as Blake raised his hand, they silenced yet again.

“Now we fight for real.”

Blake lunged towards Surge at a nearly lethal pace, knocking the air out of the boy with a single punch to the stomach. The “bully” doubled over in a coughing splutter.
Blake grabbed the older boy by the head and threw him to his left, leaving him on the floor.

“You're not worth it, Surge, just fuck off, will you?” The crowd cheered yet again, giving even more applause for the use of an obscenity.

As the crowd began to disperse, Blake began to leave for his regular lunch-time quarters. Under the Great Oak in the corner of the school grounds.

Just like old times...

“Hey, Scarly! I’m not finished with you yet!” Surge had pulled himself to a half-standing position

Blake ignored him. He sighed. I sure do miss that school... Another sigh. And her...

Grasping at straws now and attention. Surge shouted something - something he would soon regret.

“How's that ginger broad doing, eh Scarly-Boy?”

Blake froze, and turned on the spot. “What?!” he demanded.

“You know, the bitch in the pic in your locker?”

Time began to stand still yet again...
Blake simply just couldn’t help himself...

* * *

The school bell rang through the corridors of the school, but it was drastically drowned out by the sound of the sirens bellowing from for the ambulance then leaving the premises.

Blake sat in the headmaster’s office,
still partially in a daze.

“Now Scarlet! Listen here boy!”
The headmaster’s voice was at its loudest. However it still had no effect on Blake.

“Any more acts like this, and you’re off! I don’t care if you’re the grandson of Blaine Scarlet himself. You won’t be taking your Trainer Efficiency Test if you keep this up!”

Blake snapped back to reality.

“You hear me!?”

Blake’s reply was calm but stern.
“Yes.”

He paused.
Forty-three minutes had elapsed since he had “finished” his tie with Ray Surge Junior.
Rage no longer blocked out his senses.

“I hear you.”

Another pause.
This one lasted slightly longer, Blake Scarlet was yet again in control.

“How about this,” he proposed in a persuasive tone. “I take my exam next Monday. No questions asked. No more trouble. How does that sound?”

Taken aback by the unique request, the headmaster of the Viridian School for Boys pondered the notion for a moment. Before replying simply with the word, “Deal.”

Happy with the outcome of his most recent visit to the headmaster’s office, Blake proceeded to shake his headmaster’s hand, before he left the office silently and smoothly.

Under the young prodigy’s breath came the words,

“I’ll be glad to get out of this shithole.”

He smirked.

The sooner, the fucking better...
 
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As Dark as White can be..
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Re: Broken and Burning [Chapter One Added]

Hmm... No-one reading...
Ah well, next chapter...


Broken and Burning: Chapter Two

Every Journey Has a Beginning


In a trademark oblivious rage, Blake stormed through the front gate of his house. He gave no heed to the flower-lined pathway that weaved its way through the front garden, instead his opted to walk through it. Wiping the dead flowers off of his shoes, Blake pushed open the door, stepped inside, and slammed it behind him. His mother, now aware of her son’s arrival, called down to him from up-stairs.
“Blake! How did it go, honey?”

The moody teenager ignored his mother, and proceeded into the living room, he dumped his school bag in the corner as he entered. Before throwing himself onto the sofa in the most violent way possible, his eye was caught by what seemed to be a cubed item neatly placed on the coffee table. Upon closer inspection, Blake found a gift. Wrapped in bright red wrapping paper and complimented with a quaint yellow bow, Blake couldn’t help but lighten his mood. Smiling at his mother’s nice nature, he turned to leave the room and thank his mother up-stairs. Blake jumped as he saw that same mother now standing in the doorway.
“So, Blake,” She took a step towards him, “How did it go?”

Feigning dumbness was one of Blake’s most enjoyed hobbies.
He turned to sit on the sofa, before replying,
“How did what go?”

Blake’s mother rushed over to the young boy, and sat by him on the sofa.
“Your T.E.T! You took it today, remember?” She spoke with a tone of annoyance, but it was overshadowed by her motherly smile.

“Oh yes, my T.E.T!” Blake turned to his mother, facing her he spoke again, “It went,” he paused, thinking of how to best phrase what he wanted to say. “OK, it went OK.” He smiled at his mother, sensing her building annoyance. “Yes I passed but,” his smile was easily detectable as he added sarcastically, “I dropped a mark on the Legend of the Towers, silly me.”

His mother, almost viciously, embraced him in a hug. Before directing him towards The gift on the table.

Blake would’ve loved to have been modest here and gracious. But, alas, he failed.
“Thank you mother!” He closed in on the gift. “Let’s see what you’ve got me!”
Blake shredded the red paper off of the gift, to reveal a small, plain, brown box.
This too, failed to stay intact for longer than a couple of shredding-filled minutes.
After what seemed an age to Blake, he lifted aloft his prize.

In his right hand sat a metal, spherical capsule. Bright red on top, in stark contrast to the bleached white on the bottom. Both colours separated by by a thick band of black sealant.

The button on the front of the capsule beckoned to Blake. Almost begging him to press it.

His mother’s voice broke the exited silence.
“Now Blake, don’t get your hopes up, OK?”
She raised her hand to caress her son’s shoulder.
“It’s nothing special. I’m sorry.”

Blake looked at his mother.
Then back to the ball.

He pressed the button.

From the ball bursted a flash of white light, when it faded, a small avian being stood on the family’s coffee table.
The small bird was topped with a rough, brown plumage on its head. Its beak sharp and lethal in appearance certainly made the small Pokemon look rather intimidating to its new trainer. As did its three clawed talons on either of its light-pink feet.

Blake turned to his mother, beaming.
“It’s perfect! A Spearow! How did you know?-”
Blake’s question was answered before it finished.

“I’ve seen you going out in the morning!”
Blake’s mother’s tone of voice had altered slightly.
“You think I didn’t notice you going out at the crack of dawn to route bloody 22 to study these things?!”

Blake shifted quite uncomfortably in his seat. He decided to to stand, not taking his eyes of the Spearow ,now quite bored, on the coffee table.

However, his nervousness was unnecessary. Mrs Scarlet’s face softened as she again spoke.
“You’re stuff is upstairs. I’ll see you outside, honey.” After finishing her sentence, she walked out of the room and the house.

Blake turned to face his brand-new Pokemon partner.
He considered returning it, but instead beckoned at it to jump on his shoulder as he too left the room, but instead ventured upstairs.

* * *

Upon leaving the house, Blake was greeted by not only his mother, but a couple of neighbours too.

His mother stood out however. Beaming with pride.

And for good reason.
Blake Scarlet stood high and proud.
His choppy brown hair stuck out at many different, abstract angles, but nonetheless he looked very handsome in his new travelling attire.
On his size ten feet, he wore a pair of hiking boots, ideal for traversing the hilly landscapes of Kanto.
A deep red shirt clung tightly to his toned body, on top of that he wore a black waistcoat, also complimenting his upper-torso, whilst also keeping him warm during the colder months. On his bottom half, he wore loosened light-brown slacks plagued with hundreds of pockets for carrying anything and everything his brand new bag couldn’t. Said bag hung over his left shoulder and sat of his right hip, and was coloured the same shade of brown as both Blake’s hair and eyes.

He certainly looked the part.

“Mother. I’m so grateful for all you’ve done for me.” He stepped towards his mother. “I’ll try and come back to see you as much as possible.”

And with that he left his quiet house on the south edge of Viridian City, and traveled north through the bustling afternoon streets. And then east, in the direction of the Pokemon League.

After receiving his trainer’s license from the HQ of all Pokemon battles in all of “Tohjo”, he again traversed the city, but instead departed north.

Blake took a deep breath, he then took his first step onto route 2, clutching his new partner’s Pokeball at his belt. “Ready buddy?” His voice directed to the capsule, where his Spearow was now residing. “We’re going to take the Pokemon world by storm...”
His voiced trailed off as he saw a young red haired girl leap from, what Blake reckoned to be, a decently leveled Pidgeot, only about 50 feet from where he was standing.

The Pidgeot flew away as the girl charged towards him shouting his name at the top of her lungs, her fiery-red hair glistening in the afternoon sun...
 
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really cool and while the feaow was unexpected im glad you didnt give him a cliche fire type just cause he's related to blaine.
 
As Dark as White can be..
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Holy crap this is from a while back... My writing style is so... Tame! And rather lacking of flow too...

Might re-boot this? I had notes for a few more chapters.

Who am I kidding, I'm doubting anybody wants another half-hearted fanfic on here...
 
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