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TEEN: Brotherhood

Joined
Dec 14, 2008
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Brotherhood.png

[Credit for amazing banner goes to Red!]​


Hi all.

You may remember that after I came back from my LOA over November and December that I said I wasn't going to write any fanfiction until I was finished with all my essays and exams. Well, guess what? I'm finished with all my essays and exams. I give you fanfiction. Let me know what you think!

EDIT: Chapter summaries for those who can't quite remember what's happened, but can't be bothered to read over the whole thing can be found here: http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f512/brotherhood-chapter-summaries-138971/

Contents



Chapter 1 - Face-off​

A young man, about seventeen years old, with bright red hair shaved into a Mohican, wearing a white vest and blue jeans, sat down on a sofa in a dark, dank room, and switched on the television set opposite him. The noise and light from the television set immediately brought the small room to life. The teenager grumbled to himself under his breath as he watched what was on the screen.

‘We’re here today to watch the long awaited battle between Will Wynne and Ecruteak City’s Gym Leader, Morty. The battle is due to commence any minute now.’

‘You can really hear the excitement in the crowd, Bill. They’ve been waiting a long time for Will Wynne to come to Ecruteak.’

‘That they have, John. If he can win here, this will be Will’s fifth Badge. Will Wynne fan sites are reporting that if he’s victorious today, he plans to head to Violet City and challenge Falkner.’

‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Bill, he’s got to win here first! Do we have any idea of what Pokémon he’s planning to use?’

‘All we know officially is that he’s planning to use just three Pokémon, but there’s been no statement of what they are.’

‘I don’t know about you, Bill, but I’d put my money on that trio being his famous Nidorino, Golduck, and Heracross.’

‘I’d be with you on that one, John. I’ll die a happy man if I live to see the day that a trainer manages to become the Champion of the Indigo Plateau using just three Pokémon, and I think that day might be soon.’

‘One step at a time, Bill, he’s only got four Badges!’

‘I’m gonna put it out there, John. I think Will Wynne’s got what it takes to bring the Indigo Championship back to Johto!’

‘It’s funny you should mention that, Bill. A surprisingly little known fact is that Johto’s last Champion, Terrence Starr, is actually Will’s uncle!’

‘Wow! There’s really some talent in that family! I wonder if we’ll see a similar show from the younger Wynne brothers in the near future?’

‘We can only hope, Bill.’

‘Oh! The trainers have both entered the arena! It looks like the battle’s about to start! Make sure you don’t take your eyes off the screen for even a second, folks.’

Will walked up the staircase out of his dressing room, which led to the main arena of Ecruteak Gym. He was no longer entertained by the little unique flavours that each Gym gave its main arena, but did wonder for a few seconds how the technical team at Ecruteak had managed to get theirs to float, seemingly unsupported. It was a regulation size slab of concrete with eerie candles lining the sides of the arena, floating above a shadowy pit through which the staircases to the changing rooms stretched. As Will arrived on the arena, and took his place in the challenger’s stand, a large cheer erupted in the room. He looked around. It was the biggest crowd he had ever battled in front of. In fact, the number of people who came to watch his battles seemed to at least triple in size with every additional Badge he won. He recalled that when he won his first Badge, back home in Goldenrod, there had been precisely twelve spectators. Today, there were closer to twelve hundred. He scanned the room for his family, but there were too many people present for him to pick them out. He looked across the arena to the Leader that he was challenging today, Morty.

Morty had a similar physique to Will’s own: he was slim and slightly taller than average, but in place of Will’s short, black hair he had a mop of blonde hair contained by a purple sweatband. The two battlers gave each other a nod of recognition, and both of their hands went to their first Poké Ball. The referee, who was standing on the side of the arena, raised his microphone to his mouth.

‘Leader ready?’

Morty gave a sharp nod.

‘Challenger ready?’

Will nodded too.

‘Gym challenge, commence!’

Both trainers hurled their Poké Ball into the middle of the arena with all their might. Morty’s Poké Ball exploded to reveal a Misdreavus, while Will’s released a Heracross. The crowd’s excitement audibly increased.

‘In the air, Misdreavus!’ shouted Morty.

‘Go with it!’ ordered Will in response.

Misdreavus floated quickly into the air, and Heracross opened its wings and flew up after it. Before they even stopped moving, the next orders were yelled.

‘Knock that bug out of the sky with a Shadow Ball barrage!’

‘Heracross! Hurricane manoeuvre!’

In the crowd, Frankie Wynne, Will’s twelve year old brother, turned in confusion to Max Wynne, his fourteen year old brother.

‘Max, what’s a hurricane manoeuvre? I’ve never heard of that move.’

‘Oh, jeez! Have you never seen Will battle before or are you just stupid?’

‘Max, be nice to your brother,’ snapped their mother, who was sitting on the other side of Frankie.

‘Will runs drills with his Pokémon, and then gives out his orders cryptically so he doesn’t give away his tactics to his opponent,’ explained Max, ignoring his mother completely.

Frankie did not respond, but nodded slowly with his eyes glued to the battle field in front of them.

Morty’s Misdreavus began firing an enormous number of Shadow Balls at Heracross, but none of them hit. Heracross started flying around Misdreavus in a circle, constantly picking up speed, as well weaving up and down, making it impossible for the Ghost Pokémon to land an attack. Although to the average spectator, it may have appeared that he had the upper hand, Will was all too aware that the current situation was a deadlock. Misdreavus wasn’t going to hit Heracross any time soon, but there was no way Heracross could get close enough to land an attack either. Looking across the arena at Morty, Will could tell that the Gym Leader had also worked this out. The trainers stared each other in the eyes for a few seconds, each silently demanding that the other gave in first. They both knew that neither Pokémon could keep this up for much longer. Eventually, Morty conceded.

‘Get in closer to it, Misdreavus. Close the gap.’

On Morty’s orders, Misdreavus began floating towards Heracross as it circled, significantly reducing the distance between the two.

‘Hit with a Shadow Claw when it gets close, Heracross,’ retorted Will.

There were howls of excitement from the crowd. The battle was beginning to look more and more dangerous. It was obvious that one of the Pokémon was going to get hit soon, and whichever one it was would then find it difficult to defend itself against further attacks. Heracross’ left claw lit up with a spectral glow as it prepared its attack, and began swinging wildly in the hope of hitting Misdreavus. At the same time, Shadow Ball attacks whizzed past it, barely missing its wings, legs, and horn. The two trainers stared at each other ferociously, both of them all too aware of how volatile the situation was. Suddenly, the entire stadium erupted in screams and applause. Will and Morty quickly looked up to see what had happened. Misdreavus was tumbling in the air after having been hit by Heracross’ Shadow Claw. Will noticed Morty curse.

‘Oh! What a hit!’

‘Well, you can’t expect any less from the inestimable Will Wynne, Bill!’

‘His Heracross has gained the upper hand. There’s only one way this face-off is gonna go now! Morty’s Misdreavus is going down!’

The red haired teenager, watching on television, furiously threw the remote control on the floor, causing it to smash into several pieces.

‘Watching Champ’s battles always makes you so angry. Maybe you shouldn’t watch them?’ came a voice from behind him.

‘Don’t call him that.’

‘But-’

‘I’ll watch whatever I god damned wanna watch. Now shut up or get the fuck outta here.’

Although Will was delighted by the support the crowd and commentators were giving him, he knew that they were jumping to conclusions. Heracross hadn’t beaten Misdreavus yet. The Ghost Pokémon was still launching a constant stream of Shadow Balls, but, unable to aim competently because of the damage taken from Heracross’ Shadow Claw, it was now launching them in random directions. In some ways, this was more dangerous.

‘Get in close, and hit again! As fast as possible, Heracross!’

‘Contingency plan A, Misdreavus.’

Will was puzzled for a second, but then realised what Morty was planning seconds too late. He opened his mouth to call off Heracross’ attack, but just as he did, the Bug Pokémon tore into Misdreavus’ semi-corporeal side with its glowing claw. The crowd cheered wildly as Misdreavus plummeted to the floor of the arena. The cheering stopped abruptly as Heracross did exactly the same.

The red haired teenager let out a burst of laughter, knowing exactly what happened. He was beginning to wish he had gone to see the match live after all.

‘Woah! What just happened, Bill?’

‘I don’t know, John, I just don’t know. Will’s Heracross hit Morty’s Misdreavus with a Shadow Claw, knocked it out, and then for some reason fainted.’

‘Did it run out of energy? Flying that fast for that long must put a strain on a Pokémon.’

‘That could– Hang on, I’m getting something in from our Technical Expert. Apparently what we just saw was a Destiny Bond. If a Pokémon uses that move right before it’s knocked out, then it can bring its opponent with it!’

‘Wow, that’s sneaky!’

‘More interesting is that Misdreavus can only learn Destiny Bond through breeding. That means that the father of Morty’s Misdreavus has to have been one of a limited number of species including the Gengar line!’

‘Well, then it looks like Morty might be battling with a family team. Maybe we’re about to see Daddy come out and avenge his daughter?’

‘Maybe so, John, maybe so.’

Will pulled his next Poké Ball from his belt, and threw it out into the arena as Morty did the same. Will’s Golduck emerged from its Poké Ball to find itself standing opposite a Haunter.

‘Shield Drill, Golduck!’ commanded Will.

‘Shadow Ball, Haunter,’ responded Morty.

Golduck generated a small, green shield on each of its hands, and, as Haunter’s Shadow Ball approached, used one of them to deflect it off into a random direction. The excitement from the crowd spiked as the Shadow Ball flew up, and exploded against the ceiling above one of the stalls.

‘So that’s your game,’ said Morty, ‘Well, that’s not a problem. Haunter, disappear.’

As commanded, Haunter slowly faded until it was completely invisible. Will smirked. He had seen this technique before, and he knew exactly what was coming.

‘Golduck, full circle block,’ he commanded.

As he predicted, when Golduck span on the spot, with both of its shielded hands outstretched, one of them hit Haunter, who suddenly reappeared and tumbled across the arena. Once again, the crowd erupted in excitement.

‘John, it looks like Will has gotten the upper hand again.’

‘You’re right there, Bill. Morty’s Destiny Bond trick may have been clever, but this battle is going exactly the way Will wants it to right now.’

‘Haunter! Disappearing double attack!’

‘Golduck! Spinning block again! This time hit it with a Psychic when it reappears!’

Again, Golduck span on the spot with its shielded hands extended, and, again, as it did so, it managed to block an attack. Immediately, Golduck launched a Psychic at its assailant. However, to both Will and Golduck’s surprise, the assailant was not Morty’s Haunter, but a disembodied purple hand. Less than a second later, Golduck was hit by a full body attack from behind, knocking it to the ground. Haunter floated above it, laughing triumphantly for a second, before disappearing once more.

‘Oh no!’ exclaimed Frankie Wynne, ‘Is Will gonna lose?’

‘Don’t be stupid,’ answered Max Wynne, ‘He’ll turn it around. He always does. Sometimes I think he just does things like this to maintain the suspense.’

There was a buzz of excitement in the crowd. Few of the people present had ever seen such an intense battle, including Will’s previous Gym challenges. The trainers were not only incredibly talented, but also evenly matched.

‘Golduck, be ready for multiple attacks this time! Don’t launch an offensive, just keep defending!’

For a third time, Golduck began spinning on the spot, with its shielded hands blocking the possibility of any attack. As last time, a purple hand suddenly flew off, deflected. Golduck continued to spin, and the same happened again. Will smiled. So Morty’s plan was just to go from using one hand as a decoy to using both – it wasn’t particularly inspired.

‘Keep spinning, Golduck,’ ordered Will calmly, confident that Haunter would soon barge Golduck with its body.

Golduck continued to spin, but, to Will’s surprise, was then knocked to the floor. Haunter had indeed barged Golduck with its body, but had attacked from above, where there was an opening in Golduck’s defense.

‘Psychic!’ cried Will desperately, knowing there wasn’t much more that Golduck could do at this point.

Golduck, still on the floor, turned to face Haunter, and used all its concentration to send a psychic assault flying in its direction. Unfortunately, Haunter flew back from the Water Pokémon, and successfully avoided the attack. Golduck struggled to stand, but was hit by a barrage of Shadow Balls, preventing it from doing so, and eventually knocking it out.

The red haired teen bellowed with laughter, watching the television set in front him with glee.

‘Looks like things aren’t going well for Won’t Wynne! He’s down to his last Pokémon!’

‘Ha, “Won’t Wynne”,’ came the voice from behind him, ‘That’s a good one.’

‘Shut up, Chubby,’ snapped the red haired teen.

Will grabbed his last Poké Ball from his belt. It had never been this close before. If he was finding it this difficult to get his fifth Badge, how could he expect to follow in his uncle’s footsteps, and become the next Champion? He had come here prematurely. He made a mental note to do a lot more training before challenging Falkner.

‘Wow. Can you believe it, John? Will Wynne down to his last Pokémon while Morty still has two practically at full health!’

‘That’s right, Bill, but let’s not forget that Will’s last Pokémon is his Nidorino – his strongest one of all!’

‘Of course, but we all know Morty’s Gengar is no pushover. This isn’t gonna be easy for Will.’

As Will’s Nidorino emerged from its Poké Ball, the crowd went wild. It was a fan favourite, there was no denying that, but that didn’t mean it was capable of beating both of Morty’s two remaining Pokémon by itself.

‘Haunter, another disappearing attack!’

‘Nidorino, Accuracy Drill Two!’

As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.

Will once again stared across the arena at Morty. Although it escaped the audience around them, they both understood the significance of what was happening. While Nidorino was aimlessly running and hitting, its movements were so unpredictable that Haunter could not aim at it. Additionally, Nidorino’s seemingly random use of Shadow Claw, and the fact that Nidorino was moving much faster than Haunter meant that there was a very real chance that Haunter could be hit by the attack at any moment. As Haunter had sustained a small amount of damage from Golduck’s earlier deflections, and Shadow Claw was particularly effective against it, there was a very real chance that being hit even once could knock it out, or at the very least give Nidorino the opportunity to easily finish it off. However, unfortunately for Will, Nidorino did not get a lucky hit on Morty’s Haunter, and, unable to maintain sustained extreme physical exertion for an infinite amount of time, soon began slowing down. Not thirty seconds after its initial drop in speed, Nidorino was collapsed on the floor, breathing heavily, and trying to recover some energy.

Whispers of anticipation began building up throughout the crowd. It looked as if the battle was irrevocably in Morty’s favour – even if Nidorino managed to get lucky against Haunter, there was no way it would be able to keep up the momentum for a second victory. What happened next though, was a major shock to all, particularly Haunter. There was a sudden flash of light from Nidorino, and Haunter, now visible, flew backwards from its body, tumbling across the arena. Nidorino immediately leapt after it, and began slashing at it mercilessly, both of its claws now lit up with the familiar spectral glow of a Shadow Claw. The crowd went wild, though practically none of them understood what had happened.

‘Bill! Just when you think he’s out, he brings it back! What just happened?’

‘I don’t know, John, but I can tell you one thing – that Haunter is out of the battle!’

‘Nothing from the Technical Expert yet?’

‘Not yet, he’s still trying to figure it... Oh! We’ve got something! Apparently this is similar to a move that Will used against Chuck! Nidorino was actually just feigning exhaustion in an attempt to make the opponent touch it! Against Chuck, Will had had Nidorino exude a particularly venomous poison from its spines to poison Chuck’s Poliwrath, but here Nidorino has apparently readied a supercharged electric attack. Presumably it put so much energy into the attack that it didn’t actually have the strength to fire it, meaning it needed to trick Haunter into touching it at the perfect moment!’

‘So the running around was all an act?’

‘Well, maybe, maybe not. I’m sure Will would have been delighted if Nidorino had gotten lucky and hit Haunter with a Shadow Claw, but it appears that that wasn’t the main intention of the move.’

‘Fascinating, Bill, just fascinating. I feel like I’m watching history in the making.’

Will stared intently as Morty drew his final Poké Ball from his belt. Anyone who knew the first thing about the Gym Leaders of Johto knew that that Ball contained a Gengar, Morty’s signature Pokémon. Gengar erupted from its Poké Ball to rapturous applause. For a second, Will tried to work out whether the applause had been louder for Nidorino or not, but quickly returned his focus to the battle. He knew exactly what to do. He had studied video tapes of battles against Morty’s Gengar religiously, and had been able to devise an excellent strategy for defeating it. Of course, it was completely theoretical, so there was plenty of room for failure.

‘Nidorino, you know what to do!’

‘Gengar, vanish.’

Nidorino began tunnelling into the ground, as Gengar faded into invisibility.

‘Hiding?’ asked Morty, surprised, ‘Gengar, blow that rat out of its hole. Your strongest Shadow Ball from high above. Don’t let it go until it’s fully charged or Nidorino emerges.’

Gengar faded back into view, floating high above the arena. It raised its arms above its head, and slowly began creating a dark ball of energy. The ball slowly became bigger and bigger, shaking as if it could explode at any moment. The tension in the arena was incredible. The entire audience waited with bated breath to see what would happen next. As Gengar continued to charge its attack, Morty eyed the hole that Nidorino had disappeared into suspiciously. He knew there was more to it than merely hiding, but he couldn’t figure out what. He suspected Nidorino would emerge from the hole just as the attack was launched, dodge the attack, and attempt to hit Gengar while its guard was down. That was why he had had Gengar attack from so high – as well as Gengar being too high for Nidorino too easily hit it with an attack, gravity meant that the Shadow Ball would move so fast that it would be extremely difficult to dodge from out of such a small hole.

‘Nidorino’s not gonna be able to survive that Shadow Ball, Max,’ said Frankie Wynne, ‘I’m scared.’

‘Oh shut up, stop being such an idiot. It’s not gonna hit him. Will has a plan... He always has a plan.’

‘Max!’ snapped their mother, not taking her eyes off the match.

Meanwhile, the red haired teen was becoming extremely agitated.

‘Come on, Morty, if you’re that fucking stupid, why are you a Gym Leader? Come on, this is transparent!’

‘You’ve seen Morty’s Gengar in action before. After it’s charged its attack to full power, ain’t nothing gonna come out of it conscious.’

‘Are you really that fucking stupid too, Chubby? God damn it, I don’t know why I keep you around at all.’

It was almost a full minute that Gengar charged its Shadow Ball for. Sweat dripped freely down both Will and Morty’s foreheads. Both of them knew that what happened now would decide the match, and they were both uncomfortably aware that their plans were far from infallible. Finally, the moment came when Gengar could pass no further energy into its Shadow Ball without risking being unable to fire it, and knocking itself out. It flung the enormous attack down the tunnel that Nidorino had dug at full force. The excited screams from the audience made it difficult to pay attention to the battle. To Morty’s surprise, Nidorino did not emerge as the attack reached the ground, and the Shadow Ball actually successfully went all the way into the hole. Silence fell in the arena. Every man, woman, and child stared intently at the hole, trying to figure out what was happening. After about a second, the enormous Shadow Ball came flying back out of the hole, moving at such a speed that it was impossible for Gengar to dodge it. The Ghost Pokémon was immediately knocked out. The referee tried to announce Will’s victory, but went completely unheard over the incredible noise that the crowd made, even with his microphone. Seconds later, Nidorino burst out of the same hole, surrounded by what looked like broken glass, glittering gloriously in the arena’s lights.

‘Woah! What the hell just happened, Bill?’

‘I- I can’t believe what I just saw. Nidorino somehow fired the attack back at Gengar! Oh, hang on, I’ve got the Technical Expert. He thinks Nidorino used some sort of Ice technique to create a defensive, reflective layer above its hiding place in the hole. That would have caused the attack to be fired back, and accounts for the small diamonds that surrounded Nidorino as it finally emerged. It also explains why the Shadow Ball was moving so quickly when it came back out – rather than simply blocking the attack and firing it back, which would have slowed it down, the ice caused the attack to slip and spin, speeding it up even more.’

‘Wow, Bill, that’s really something. What a match!’

‘That’s right, and, don’t forget, you saw it here first, folks. That was Will Wynne’s fifth Gym victory, and his next step towards bringing the Championship back to Johto.’

‘Don’t go anywhere, because in just five minutes, Rod Cotton has got an exclusive interview with the man himself. That’s certainly not-’

The red haired teen stood up, and put his foot through the television set.

‘It’s about time that cock sucker got what’s coming to him.’
 
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Nice, interesting looking story. I see Will has a bit of an ego, evident when he briefly tries to figure who the applause was louder for :L And I wonder who the red haired kid is...

Ah well, interesting opening I look forward for the rest. Now, back to Pokémon Academy.
 
Story wise, this chapter was vague, but you're likely to expand on that in future chapters.

But man, oh man, was this a dynamic and well thought out battle. I fully enjoyed every second of it and I could completely imagine what was going on on the field during the gym battle. I loved it, I loved your descriptions, the way Will gave out commands to his Pokémon - every little bit regarding this battle, I was just stunned. Needless to say, this battle was spectacular.

Great battle!
 
This is absolutely terrible!! And you call yourself a writer!

You know I'm kidding, Gama ;P. Fantastic. It was written really well, flowing in a way that made it easy and fun to read. The battle was awesome too. I thought for a second Morty was gonna win, but seems I was wrong. Great man! Can't wait to read more.

By the way, what's a manoeuvre? I think you're saying "maneuver" right? That's the American spelling, so I think you're using the UK spelling. Just wanted to ask to be clear.
 
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Will Wynne? Will Wynne? Come on Gama, I thought you were better than that!

But in all seriousness, this was pretty cool. The over-excitement of the announcers and the agitation of the red-haired kid were both quite hilarious, as was the dialogue between Will's brothers. The battle was certainly unique, which is something rare. I can see that you're trying to inject more of a professional sports atmosphere into Pokemon battling, and you're pulling it off quite well. I look forward to more of your work.
 
Great battle! Like everyone has said, a very intriguing start!
 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this battle based off of the Red/Blue intro video? Nidorino v.s. Gengar?

Anyways, good as always, gama. The description of the battle was captivating, and I was pulled in right away. Can't wait to see more!
 
So another fic coming from the great Gastly's Mama, what to say, what to say.

While the chapter was good, great even, I feel like this was only on the technical point. Now, we both know that battling isn't exactly your strong point, your more of a story and plot developtment kind of guy so I felt that making the whole of chatper 1 a battle was kind of, rushed.

When you kept switching to show us what Will's siblings were doing or what the red haired boy was doing it was all in one sudden stroke, no scene break or something to tell us that you'll be switching. Also I felt like the battle was kind of quick, a round usually went by in less than a paragraph, now I don't mind that but it felt more like you were listing events rather than describing them; though we all have that problem sometimes so I don't blame you for it.

Other than that, because it was a battle chapter, we didn't get a lot of insight regarding Will's character so far he seems like any normal experienced trainer so I'd have to wait till the next chapter to judge.

I like what you did with the fights though, making it more of a sports match rather than just an unseen battle that no one would hear about.

I get that you're just getting back on the saddle, but I feel like this chapter lacked compared to your usual master pieces.
 
I see Will has a bit of an ego, evident when he briefly tries to figure who the applause was louder for

Yeah, I'm glad that came across, but being everyone in Johto's favourite trainer, who can really blame him? Still, you're right, that is an important part of his character.

Story wise, this chapter was vague, but you're likely to expand on that in future chapters.

But man, oh man, was this a dynamic and well thought out battle. I fully enjoyed every second of it and I could completely imagine what was going on on the field during the gym battle. I loved it, I loved your descriptions, the way Will gave out commands to his Pokémon - every little bit regarding this battle, I was just stunned. Needless to say, this battle was spectacular.

Great battle!

Yeah, the plot will get going in the next chapter. The aim of this chapter was more to introduce the major characters and set the scene and atmosphere, as well as kicking the fic off with a bit of excitement. I suppose it was more of a prologue than a real chapter. At any rate, I'm glad you enjoyed the battle!

You know I'm kidding, Gama ;P. Fantastic. It was written really well, flowing in a way that made it easy and fun to read. The battle was awesome too. I thought for a second Morty was gonna win, but seems I was wrong. Great man! Can't wait to read more.

By the way, what's a manoeuvre? I think you're saying "maneuver" right? That's the American spelling, so I think you're using the UK spelling. Just wanted to ask to be clear.

Glad you enjoyed, Red. And, yes, "manoeuvre" is the British spelling. I didn't even know there was an Americanisation of that word. Interesting, though, thanks for informing me.

Will Wynne? Will Wynne? Come on Gama, I thought you were better than that!

But in all seriousness, this was pretty cool. The over-excitement of the announcers and the agitation of the red-haired kid were both quite hilarious, as was the dialogue between Will's brothers. The battle was certainly unique, which is something rare. I can see that you're trying to inject more of a professional sports atmosphere into Pokemon battling, and you're pulling it off quite well. I look forward to more of your work.

Hahaha, the names I use have become increasingly more obvious. I've developed a bit of a liking for having names that are a bit too large for life, and having the other characters in the story notice this. (Ref: the red haired teen referring to him as "Won't Wynne")

I'm glad you enjoyed the perspectives of the various spectators too, you're the first person to make a specific comment on them. I wanted to show that it was a match with a real audience, and a battle that lots of different people were experiencing in different ways. Perhaps that was what part of made it unique as you say? Of course, in terms of injecting a professional sporting atmosphere into Pokemon, I have to thank the king of doing exactly that, @Legacy; for influencing and inspiring me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this battle based off of the Red/Blue intro video? Nidorino v.s. Gengar?

Anyways, good as always, gama. The description of the battle was captivating, and I was pulled in right away. Can't wait to see more!

Funny you should mention that. When I was deciding which Pokemon Will would use and what Gym Leader he would face, Nidorino and Morty were high up on the respective lists. When I realised that meant I could make it like the RB intro video, I knew it was meant to be, so yes, in a way it was!

While the chapter was good, great even, I feel like this was only on the technical point. Now, we both know that battling isn't exactly your strong point, your more of a story and plot developtment kind of guy so I felt that making the whole of chatper 1 a battle was kind of, rushed.

I've broken up your reply because it's quite large and says a lot of things.

Honestly, I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, but I never realised battling was a particular weakness of mine. Thanks for drawing my attention to that concern, I'll work on improving my battles. If you have any more specific advice on how I could improve them, I'd really appreciate it.

When you kept switching to show us what Will's siblings were doing or what the red haired boy was doing it was all in one sudden stroke, no scene break or something to tell us that you'll be switching.

This was a conscious decision, actually. I felt like scene breaks or something to indicate switches would have broken up the action too much. I wanted it to be clear that everything was happening at once, and that it was happening quickly. I felt like adding in scene breaks would have removed the spectators from the action they were spectating, which was exactly the opposite of the effect that I was going for. I also don't believe in spoon feeding the reader. As such, I've never been a fan of scene breaks that indicate that the scene has changed through means other than words. I don't think they're ever necessary. (Some people do use them to great effect, I just don't personally like them.) I tried to make sure each scene switch was clear enough that scene breaks weren't necessary, but do you feel some were a little unclear? If so, could you specify which so I can try and improve please? Thanks.


Also I felt like the battle was kind of quick, a round usually went by in less than a paragraph, now I don't mind that but it felt more like you were listing events rather than describing them

I'll try to be more descriptive in the future. Thanks for the advice.

Other than that, because it was a battle chapter, we didn't get a lot of insight regarding Will's character so far he seems like any normal experienced trainer so I'd have to wait till the next chapter to judge.


Yep. As I said earlier in this post (which obviously you couldn't have read before giving your reply) the idea was more to open the fic with a bang and introduce all of the major characters in a fairly basic way. There'll be more characterisation and plot development in later chapters.


I like what you did with the fights though, making it more of a sports match rather than just an unseen battle that no one would hear about.

I get that you're just getting back on the saddle, but I feel like this chapter lacked compared to your usual master pieces.

Well, I'm glad you liked that at least. I'll do my best to improve my future chapters, and hopefully you'll like them better. Thanks for the in-depth review and advice, it's been very helpful.
 
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Well for battles, I guess the advise would be to treat it as if it was indeed as part of the story. When an important moment in the story happens you have to make it flow calmly and so that people will be able to get themselves into the moment. The same goes with battles, they have to be descriptive yet flow calmly and without a hitc, whether they're quick or slow doesn't matter as long as you deliver the action as if it was as important as the rest of the story.

I understand your opinion on scene breaks, and arguebly you wouldn't have had any need for them in this chapter as you usually switched for only one paragraph. However, you have to keep in mind that there will be one or two people that could get confused; though you have used scene breaks in your previouis stories already.

I'm sorry if my review sounded mean though, I didn't mean to say I didn't like it.
 
Well for battles, I guess the advise would be to treat it as if it was indeed as part of the story. When an important moment in the story happens you have to make it flow calmly and so that people will be able to get themselves into the moment. The same goes with battles, they have to be descriptive yet flow calmly and without a hitc, whether they're quick or slow doesn't matter as long as you deliver the action as if it was as important as the rest of the story.

I understand your opinion on scene breaks, and arguebly you wouldn't have had any need for them in this chapter as you usually switched for only one paragraph. However, you have to keep in mind that there will be one or two people that could get confused; though you have used scene breaks in your previouis stories already.

I'm sorry if my review sounded mean though, I didn't mean to say I didn't like it.

Thanks for your advice, but on battles I think I just have a difference of opinion (and I think it comes down to nothing more than that - I don't think either of us are "right" or "wrong"). I prefer to write battles that aren't calm, as I prefer to have an overt sense of tension and excitement, rather than calmness. I understand that perhaps calmness allows for a more thorough description, but I think what it loses is the idea of everything moving quickly and a bit of dynamism. As I said though, I think that's just a stylistic difference.

I don't recall having used scene breaks in previous stories, but if I have that may be a sign of me having matured as a writer. I think scene breaks are only necessary if you can't make the fact that the scene has changed with your writing. I also think if it's only one or two people who might be confused then the problem is with readers who don't pay enough attention. My intention is never to create an easy read, but to create the best read possible, and I try to reward readers who concentrate and pay attention to detail with a more enjoyable story, with important fine details.

And don't worry, I didn't think your review was mean. In fact, I found it helpful. Obviously it is nice to be praised, but ultimately criticism is more helpful as it shows you the areas you need to improve, or, at the very least, areas that you should look into changing. Thanks very much.
 
Here's my review for you, Gastly's Mama, as promised in the Review Exchange. :3

I think this was pretty well-written! You've got a lot of potential and I actually am looking forward to more of this story. And I agree that Will seems to have a bit of an ego. I really wonder how that will go down.

I only have a little bit of critique to give you since others seem to have already pointed out other things. I won't repeat what they've already covered.

You describe things fairly well, but I think you can do that a bit better. For example, what do Misdreavus and the other Pokemon look like? What does a Psychic attack or Shadow Ball look like? Obviously, I know this stuff, but other readers might not. You don't have to give too many details, as that's actually a bad thing (cluttering a story with huge paragraphs that only describe what characters and things look like is just as bad as not describing them at all), but it wouldn't hurt to give us a general idea. Some things might be harder to describe than others, though. I can certainly understand if you find it hard to explain what Psychic looks like, for example. I'd have trouble with that myself.

But taking on challenges improves your skills! That's why I encourage writers to do so.

Other than this, I've really got no real critique. You are very good with grammar and spelling, and I saw no typos. Keep up the good work! :)

Also, funny that you all brought up the spelling of "maneuver." I actually didn't know that Brits spelled it differently!
 
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Okay, I like this well enough so far. We haven't seen much more than a battle, but that's fair enough; it's a good way to start a fic. While I do like the inclusion of the commentators to make it more like a sports event (and oh yes, I love the concept of a Technical Expert) I can't help but feel that they might have been a little better served in the background. You state that you want your battles to remain tense and active, but taking three-paragraph breaks to discuss what's just happened - even if helpful to the reader - suspends that tension and action to a point where it's a bit jarring when the battle comes back in again. It's sort of as if the Trainers are just standing around on the field, waiting for the commentators to finish their chat. I know this is difficult to portray in writing, but there's a fine balance between too much discussion of the techniques and too little, and you're falling just to one side of it here. Speaking of how useful the commentary is, I found it a little redundant in places. While it was good to know how he managed to reflect the Shadow Ball at the end (because the Pokemon was underground the whole time, naturally) I found it a little bit unnecessary in the earlier segments. The same thing with the in-narration explanations, really. A little common sense and application to battling told me most of what I needed to know, such as when Nidorino was dashing around the stage at speed, trying to hit Haunter on the off-chance.

Incidentally, that passage felt a little bit stilted. Let me just grab a quote.

Gama said:
As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.
The syntax of the second sentence is slightly dodgy, and I feel it could be reworded somewhat to avoid the slight redundancy that is currently implied. The problem here, though, is the third sentence (in bold). It just . . . threw me out of the story completely, to be honest. I think two factors contribute to this. Firstly, I'm picturing Nidorino continuing to run on its remaining three legs while attacking, which seems kind of unlikely, to be fair. The bigger problem, however, is how the sentence is phrased. It just seems like an overly . . . clinical description of something that's meant to be a tight, fast, dangerous battle. The word 'periodically' in particular contributes to this impression, as it implies methodical regularity and repetition, making me think of scientific experiments or medical procedures. I just think that part of the battle could have been taken from a slightly different angle and made far more successful. Other parts of the battle elicited similar reactions from me, but to a lesser degree. I read this a few hours ago in the car, and this is the passage that still sticks in my mind while writing this review.

On the whole, though, a solid first chapter. I'm intrigued by the red-haired, foul-mouthed dude with the Mohican (took me a while to remember that's what I'm used to calling a Mohawk) and what his link to Will Wynne (oh dear Arceus, the name) might be, not to mention the unseen 'Chubby'. I can only assume he's somewhat rotund. I like the inferences you've made regarding turning the Indigo League into something of an inter-regional rivalry, considering it's the only League shared by two. Kind of reminds me of the State of Origin. Which, by the way, would make an awesome fanfic in and of itself. Can we say 'Gym Leader Battle Royale'? Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I'll be keeping an eye on this, because I keep missing all your other stuff.

On an unrelated note, hell yeah for Commonwealth spelling, biatches. Excuse my while I manouevre my ship into this harbour - I think there's some mould growing below-decks.
 
You describe things fairly well, but I think you can do that a bit better. For example, what do Misdreavus and the other Pokemon look like? What does a Psychic attack or Shadow Ball look like? Obviously, I know this stuff, but other readers might not. You don't have to give too many details, as that's actually a bad thing (cluttering a story with huge paragraphs that only describe what characters and things look like is just as bad as not describing them at all), but it wouldn't hurt to give us a general idea. Some things might be harder to describe than others, though. I can certainly understand if you find it hard to explain what Psychic looks like, for example. I'd have trouble with that myself.

But taking on challenges improves your skills! That's why I encourage writers to do so.


Yes. I often forget to describe what Pokemon look like, as I assume readers would know, but you're right, I should pay more attention to doing that. Describing attacks too... I didn't really think of that, but you're right, that's very important, particularly as what an attack looks like differs between different media. Thanks for the advice, that's very helpful.



Okay, I like this well enough so far. We haven't seen much more than a battle, but that's fair enough; it's a good way to start a fic. While I do like the inclusion of the commentators to make it more like a sports event (and oh yes, I love the concept of a Technical Expert) I can't help but feel that they might have been a little better served in the background. You state that you want your battles to remain tense and active, but taking three-paragraph breaks to discuss what's just happened - even if helpful to the reader - suspends that tension and action to a point where it's a bit jarring when the battle comes back in again. It's sort of as if the Trainers are just standing around on the field, waiting for the commentators to finish their chat. I know this is difficult to portray in writing, but there's a fine balance between too much discussion of the techniques and too little, and you're falling just to one side of it here. Speaking of how useful the commentary is, I found it a little redundant in places. While it was good to know how he managed to reflect the Shadow Ball at the end (because the Pokemon was underground the whole time, naturally) I found it a little bit unnecessary in the earlier segments. The same thing with the in-narration explanations, really. A little common sense and application to battling told me most of what I needed to know, such as when Nidorino was dashing around the stage at speed, trying to hit Haunter on the off-chance.

Incidentally, that passage felt a little bit stilted. Let me just grab a quote.

Gama said:
As Haunter disappeared again, Nidorino began charging around the arena extremely quickly, building up speed. It ran in circles with no clear aim except to be constantly running. After a few seconds of this, it began periodically raising its right claw, which shone with a spectral glow, as Heracross’ had earlier, and slashing the air beside it. This continued for some time, without Haunter reappearing.
The syntax of the second sentence is slightly dodgy, and I feel it could be reworded somewhat to avoid the slight redundancy that is currently implied. The problem here, though, is the third sentence (in bold). It just . . . threw me out of the story completely, to be honest. I think two factors contribute to this. Firstly, I'm picturing Nidorino continuing to run on its remaining three legs while attacking, which seems kind of unlikely, to be fair. The bigger problem, however, is how the sentence is phrased. It just seems like an overly . . . clinical description of something that's meant to be a tight, fast, dangerous battle. The word 'periodically' in particular contributes to this impression, as it implies methodical regularity and repetition, making me think of scientific experiments or medical procedures. I just think that part of the battle could have been taken from a slightly different angle and made far more successful. Other parts of the battle elicited similar reactions from me, but to a lesser degree. I read this a few hours ago in the car, and this is the passage that still sticks in my mind while writing this review.

On the whole, though, a solid first chapter. I'm intrigued by the red-haired, foul-mouthed dude with the Mohican (took me a while to remember that's what I'm used to calling a Mohawk) and what his link to Will Wynne (oh dear Arceus, the name) might be, not to mention the unseen 'Chubby'. I can only assume he's somewhat rotund. I like the inferences you've made regarding turning the Indigo League into something of an inter-regional rivalry, considering it's the only League shared by two. Kind of reminds me of the State of Origin. Which, by the way, would make an awesome fanfic in and of itself. Can we say 'Gym Leader Battle Royale'? Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I'll be keeping an eye on this, because I keep missing all your other stuff.

On an unrelated note, hell yeah for Commonwealth spelling, biatches. Excuse my while I manouevre my ship into this harbour - I think there's some mould growing below-decks.

Glad you enjoyed and thanks for reading. I see what you mean about the commentators etc. distracting from the battle a bit too much, and I think you've even made me understand Flaze's comments a bit better too. I guess at times the explanations ventured a bit too much into the "tell" side of things, rather than the "show" side, which, as we know, is a big no-no. Thanks for the advice on that front. Later chapters won't be in this style, but that is something that I'll keep in mind for future battles, as (going over my past stuff in my head) I think I do have a bit of a habit of over-explaining the sometimes complicated (but sometimes not) things that happen in my battles.
 
Good to see you back in action, Gammy. The set-up here is very interesting, and it's actually quite refreshing not to have to go through all the beginning stuff.
 
Thanks for reading Lugion, glad you enjoyed.

Here's Chapter 2, hope everyone likes it!

@Feliciano; - Chapter 2 ready for reviewing. I'm working through Heart of Crystal already.


Chapter 2 – Disaster​


Will took in a deep breath of the fresh evening air as he walked slowly through the poorly lit back streets surrounded by the tall, grey buildings of his hometown, Goldenrod City, accompanied by his two younger brothers, Max and Frankie. Apart from their differences in height, the three Wynne brothers looked shockingly alike, each of them with fair skin, short black hair, and a slim frame. However, while Will and Frankie wore blue jackets over their jeans, Max, the middle brother, wore a red, woolly jumper.

‘That battle against Morty was so cool, Will,’ said Frankie, ‘I kept thinking you were gonna lose, but you did it! It was so cool!’

‘Thanks. To be honest with you, I kept thinking I was gonna lose too.’

‘No you didn’t!’ said Max furiously, ‘You knew you were gonna win the whole time! Admit it! You only make it look close so the audience love you even more!’

‘That’s not true. It looked close because it was close. What do you think I am?’

‘I think you’re a show off. You can’t bear the idea that your battles might look easy – you play down your talent so that it looks more impressive!’

‘That doesn’t make sense,’ said Will.

‘Yeah, that doesn’t make sense!’ added Frankie.

‘Shut up, Frankie. This is nothing to do with you.’

‘Hey, be nice to Frankie. Why have you always gotta be mean to him?’ asked Will.

‘Oh, knock it off. I’m always nice to him. You sound like Mum.’

‘You’re just jealous because Will’s better at Pokémon than you!’ teased Frankie.

‘No, I’m not! I don’t care!’

‘If you care so little,’ said Will, ‘Why are you always talking about how you’re the best battler in your class?’

‘It’s true! The kids in my class all suck! Anyway, I said that like one time.’

‘You say it all the time! You said it earlier today!’ exclaimed Will.

‘I did not!’

‘If you’re so good, why don’t you battle Will?’ challenged Frankie.

‘We can’t battle here, we’re in the middle of the street. If the police come, we’ll be in trouble. Why don’t you try using your brain for once?’

‘It’s not stupid,’ said Will, ‘We can just go down an alley or something, there’s plenty around here. I’m up for a battle, if you want one.’

‘We could still get caught, even if we’re down an alley.’

‘You’re just scared! You’re such a baby!’ said Frankie.

‘I am not scared! It’s a stupid idea. Maybe tomorrow at home, or something.’

‘Oh, go on, Max. It’ll be fun. I’ll go easy on you.’

‘I don’t need you to go easy on me!’

‘Are you saying you’re up for a battle?’

‘Ugh! Fine, but if we get into trouble, it’s your fault!’

A few minutes later, Max and Will were standing opposite each other in a nearby dark alley. Frankie stood behind Will. The tall walls on either side of the impending battle blocked out what little sunlight that remained in the sky. In fact, as the alley led to a dead end, the only light came from behind Max, courtesy of a lamppost in the street that the alley led off, meaning that Will and Frankie were covered in ominous shadows. The lighting situation was, however, the least of Max’s concerns. He hated battling Will. He always lost, and Will was always mean about it. It was humiliating, and made all the worse by the fact that Frankie never failed to join in with Will’s gloating. Max couldn’t wait until Frankie had Pokémon of his own, so he could show him how it felt to be constantly beaten and made fun of.

‘Hey Maxie, you gonna pick a Pokémon or what?’ shouted Will from the other side of the alley.

‘Why don’t you pick first? I always have to pick first,’ answered Max unhappily.

‘You know the rules. You beat me, and I’ll pick first next time. I won last time, so you gotta pick first.’

Max grumbled to himself, and ran his hand over the three Poké Balls on his belt, trying to decide which one to open with. With each passing battle against Will, it became increasingly difficult to remain enthusiastic about this decision. Ultimately, it didn’t matter. Max knew that whichever Pokémon he chose, Will would defeat it without breaking a sweat. He took in a deep breath, and tried to make himself care. He absolutely had to beat Will one day, and if he gave up completely, it would never happen. He set himself the target of knocking out just one of Will’s three Pokémon before all three of his own were defeated, but quickly took it back – that was getting way too far ahead of himself. He decided instead that his target would be to make Will think, even for a moment, that one of his Pokémon might be knocked out.

‘You battling or not, Maxie?’ sneered Will from across the alley.

‘Yeah, Maxie! You battling or not?’ shouted Frankie.

‘Yeah, yeah, give me a chance!’

After a couple of seconds more deliberation, Max grabbed a Poké Ball from his belt, and threw it out into the alley in front of him.

Max’s Wooper burst out of its Poké Ball, and looked around. When Max released the small, blue, bipedal Pokémon to battle his school friends, it usually jumped around excitably, but upon seeing Will it became noticeably dejected. Will made a show of thinking carefully about what Pokémon he would choose to counter Wooper, but Max knew it was all an act. He would have put a large sum of money on Will’s next Pokémon being his Golduck. Will loved using his Golduck to defeat Max’s Wooper because they were both Water types. He liked to show that he was so much better than Max that, even when they were using the same type, and therefore had an even playing field, he could win with ease.

Eventually, Will nodded, indicating that he had made his decision. He pulled a Poké Ball off of his belt, and threw it in front of him. Just as Max had predicted, the Ball exploded to reveal Will’s Golduck. Frankie cheered excitedly.

‘Dig!’ ordered Max.

Wooper immediately curled up in a ball, and used its head, feet, and tail together to start tearing up the unevenly paved ground beneath it. It made quick progress, slowly disappearing into the pothole it was creating.

‘Fill up the hole,’ commanded Will.

Will’s Golduck walked over to its opponent with an extraordinarily casual manner reflecting its trainer’s confidence. Before doing anything, it peeked into the hole that Wooper had now completely disappeared into. The smaller Water type continued to desperately tunnel, throwing up small pieces of dirt and concrete near where Golduck was standing. The larger Water type opened its mouth, and fired a fierce torrent of water into the small hole. Wooper made a desperate attempt to continue digging, but within a few seconds, it was floating at the top of what looked more like a puddle than a hole.

Will laughed, and Frankie cheered.

‘Wooper! Get to the bottom of the water, and keep digging! It won’t be able to fit down the hole!’

‘Grab it, and hit it with a Psychic, Golduck!’

Wooper momentarily disappeared back into the now water-filled hole, but Golduck swiftly grabbed it, and pulled it out again. It gripped Wooper in both of its hands, and then simply paused, allowing the smaller Water Pokémon to squirm pathetically in its futile attempts to escape.

‘Get loose, Wooper! You can do it!’

Unfortunately, Max’s encouragements were in vain. Wooper failed to escape, and after what seemed like hours of toying with it, Golduck finally sent a purple blast of energy out of the small, red sphere in the middle of its forehead, knocking Wooper out instantly. Max sullenly returned the small Water Pokémon to its Poké Ball, and sent out his next Pokémon – Zubat. In response, Will withdrew Golduck to its Poké Ball, and sent his Nidorino out to continue the battle.

‘Fly high where it can’t hit you, and launch a Confuse Ray, Zubat!’

‘Horn Attack before it gets anywhere! Jump if you have to! Keep it grounded!’

Zubat flew into the air as fast as it could, but Nidorino leapt into the air with such power that it was able to catch the Flying type with its horn, quickly slashing it across the stomach. In spite of this setback, Max was ecstatic. The last time he had battled Will, Zubat had been knocked out by a single Horn Attack from Nidorino, but now it had not only been able to withstand the onslaught, but to continue flying upwards, putting itself outside the range of further attacks. Looking across the alley at Will’s shadowy face, Max was fairly sure he had noticed the difference too. The bat Pokémon then made some high pitched noises, and fired what looked like a ball of rainbow glitter from its mouth. Nidorino made an attempt to dodge it, but was hit head on by the Confuse Ray. To Max’s delight, Will cursed under his breath.

‘Ice Beam,’ ordered Will.

Nidorino took a few aimless, dizzy steps before responding. For a second, Max thought it was about to hurt itself in its confusion, but it suddenly gathered its wits, and launched a light blue beam that knocked Zubat out of the air. The pink Poison type made an attempt to rush over so that it could finish the job, but stumbled in its disorientation, falling over and hurting itself instead. Ultimately though, it didn’t matter, as Zubat was knocked out by the Ice Beam before it hit the ground anyway. Max returned it to its Poké Ball with a grumble, and sent out his last Pokémon, Mankey. Will returned Nidorino, and sent Heracross out to continue the battle.

‘Mankey, Focus Blast!’ cried Max desperately.

He had saved up for weeks so that he could afford the TM to teach his Mankey Focus Blast. He just prayed it would be enough to at least make the match between Mankey and Heracross a close one.

‘Heracross, Counter!’ ordered Will.

Mankey raised its hands, and created a ball of shining white light between them, which it fired at Heracross. The large, blue Bug stopped for a moment, seemingly injured, but then flew towards Mankey at an incredible speed, and slammed its large horn against the smaller Fighting type, sending it tumbling across the alley. Mankey was immediately knocked out. Max withdrew Mankey, and was about to say something when he heard a voice come from behind him.

‘Hey, Champ. Long time no see.’

Max turned to see a group of four teenagers around Will’s age standing at the entrance to the alley, and blocking the three brothers in. He took a few cautious steps backwards so that he was nearer Will and Frankie. The one who had spoken was standing a few steps ahead of the rest of the group, and appeared to be the leader. He wore a black leather jacket over a white t-shirt and blue jeans, had a shaved head, and a gold stud in his left ear. The other three stood next to each other at the entrance to the alley. A young man with a white vest, blue jeans, and a dyed red Mohican stared furiously at Will from the middle of the rear trio. Next to him was a girl with short, dyed blue hair, a black sleeveless top, a short denim skirt, who seemed to be more concerned with checking the large, gold rings on each of her hands than what was going on in front of her. The last member of the group seemed out of place with the other three, sporting an enormous belly; greasy, black hair; grey, stained jogging bottoms; and a black t-shirt with the name of an obscure metal band from thirty years ago.

Heracross, who was still out of its Poké Ball from the battle, dashed out in front of Max, and took a defensive stance, showing that it was ready to protect the brothers. Without warning, a Graveler appeared in front of it, and punched it in the face. After the Focus Blast from Max’s Mankey, this was more than enough to knock the Bug type out. Not a second later, another three large Pokémon appeared in the alley, each grabbing and restraining one of the brothers. Max was struck silent as he was held still by an Ursaring, and Frankie whimpered quietly in the arms of a Machoke.

‘What do you want?’ asked Will, struggling against the Poliwrath that held both of his arms from behind.

‘What do you think we want?’ answered the leader of the group, ‘You’re the amazing Will Wynne. We want your Gym Badges.’

‘Do you think I’m fucking stupid? I don’t carry my Gym Badges.’

At this, the red haired member of the group became suddenly furious, taking a few steps forwards, and gesticulating wildly as he spoke.

‘Don’t fuck with us, okay? We’ll fuck you up! You’re gonna give us your fucking Badges, okay? You think we’re gonna put up with your shit now? You think we’re fucking scared of you?’

‘I never said you were scared, but I did notice that you waited until after I had a battle to attack.’

‘Oh, fuck this! Poliwrath! Snap his fucking neck!’ shouted the red haired teen in anger.

‘Spike!’ snapped the leader of the group, ‘Calm it, there’s no need for that.’

Poliwrath didn’t move.

‘Will,’ continued the leader, now ignoring the one called Spike, ‘So you say you haven’t got your Gym Badges with you. Fair enough. I suppose I wouldn’t carry my Badges if I had any.’

‘Come on!’ yelled Spike, taking a few steps forward.

The leader of the group threw his arm out to stop him walking any further.

‘That’s enough, Spike. Go stand with Saf and Chubby like I told you to.’

Spike grumbled incoherently, but obeyed.

‘Now, Will, we’ve got a problem. We’ve gone to all this trouble to get your Gym Badges, but you don’t have them with you. Of course, that’s not your fault, but it wouldn’t be fair for us to leave empty handed now, would it?’

Max wanted to say something clever, but his mouth wouldn’t open. Fortunately, Will did not suffer from the same ailment.

‘Life isn’t fair.’

Once again, Spike exploded in enraged profanities.

‘Spike, how many times have I gotta tell you? Shut the fuck up.’

Spike nodded, and looked to the ground, clenching his fists. The fat teen patted him on the shoulder reassuringly, but Spike batted his hand away angrily.

‘Now, where was I?’ said the leader of the group, ‘Oh, that’s right. After going through all this effort, it wouldn’t be fair for us to leave empty handed, so we’re going to need something. Now, what could that be? Pokégear seems like a bit of a meagre prize given that we came expecting Gym Badges...’

A few seconds passed in which the only sound that could be heard was Frankie’s whimpering.

‘I’ve got it. You’re going to give us your Pokémon. The amazing Will Wynne’s Pokémon should fetch a good price. What do you say, guys?’

The three standing behind him cheered, indicating their support. To Max’s surprise, Will said nothing.

‘Yeah, that’ll work. I think you’d better hand them over. Actually, you know what? Spike here is gonna walk over and pull the Poké Balls off your belt while his Poliwrath holds you still.’

‘Chubby can do it,’ spat Spike.

‘I asked you to do it, Spike.’

Spike muttered objections, but walked towards Will as instructed. Will sighed, but made no effort to fight. Tears streamed freely down Frankie’s face. Max was stunned silent. He didn’t understand why Will wasn’t fighting, but he was too terrified to say anything. Spike stopped an inch in front of Will’s face, and paused, patting him patronisingly on the shoulder.

‘You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve been waiting for this, buddy.’

Spike then proceeded to remove the three Poké Balls from Will’s belt, and return Heracross to the appropriate one.

‘What about the shrimp, boss? He’s got Pokémon too,’ said the rotund member of the group.

‘Shut the fuck up, Chubby. You saw his Pokémon, they sucked, there’s no point,’ snapped Spike.

‘I like it,’ said the leader, ignoring Spike, ‘Take little Wynne’s Pokémon too, Spike.’

At this point, Will started struggling furiously, and the Poliwrath holding him tightened its grip.

‘Fuck off! Leave him alone! He’s got nothing to do with this!’

Spike appeared to be about to object to the instruction, but upon seeing Will’s reaction let out a short burst of laughter.

‘Now that’s the reaction I was hoping for. We’re gonna take your little brother’s Pokémon, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Hey, does the baby have Pokémon, why don’t we take his too?’

‘He doesn’t have Pokémon, Spike,’ said the leader, ‘Wasn’t that obvious?’

‘That’s a shame. Saf, have your Machoke smack him around a bit.’

‘Leave him alone, you sick fuck!’ shouted Will furiously.

Spike began laughing uncontrollably.

‘Saf, don’t do that,’ ordered the leader, ‘And Spike, just shut the fuck up, and do as your told. Take little Wynne’s Pokémon, and leave baby Wynne alone. What’s so hard to understand about that?’

Spike stopped laughing abruptly. Will smirked. Spike shot him an angry glare, but said nothing, instead making his way over to the Ursaring that held Max, and began removing the Poké Balls from his belt. Will became animated once more, shouting and swearing for them to leave Max out of it. Now it was Spike who smirked.

‘Poliwrath, shut him up.’

On this command, Poliwrath swung Will with all its might so that his head crashed against the wall next to him. There was an explosion of blood as his nose collided with the bricks. Will slumped in Poliwrath’s grip as if unconscious, Frankie screamed, and Max began struggling against the Ursaring holding him.

‘Spike!’ shouted the leader, ‘There was no need for that! Get the fucking Poké Balls and get over here!’

Spike turned to continue taking the Poké Balls from Max’s belt, but found it difficult due to his squirming.

‘Hey, short stuff,’ said Spike, ‘If you’re not careful, you’re gonna go the same way as Won’t Wynne over there, so watch it, okay?’

Max quickly stopped moving, terrified of what might happen to him if he didn’t. Spike grabbed the remaining Poké Balls from his belt, and walked back over to the rest of the gang.

‘Now we go,’ commanded the leader of the group, immediately turning to walk out of the alley, ‘Have your Pokémon release them.’

‘Ursaring, Poliwrath, you heard the man,’ ordered Spike, following.

‘Machoke, you too!’ cried the female member of the group.

The Pokémon aggressively threw all three of the brothers to the floor. Will, completely unconscious, simply fell in a slump. Max and Frankie also fell to the floor, though were able to slowly pick themselves up. By the time they had done so, the muggers had disappeared. Frankie cried wildly, and without restraint. Max at first judged him for doing so, but soon found himself doing exactly the same.
 
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Very interesting, I've missed reading your fics Gama. I can't wait to see where this is going; I can only assume that Will and Spike have some kind of past together. I was confused at how willingly Will let his Pokemon be taken, too, but I guess he has something up his sleeve. Anyway, good job; the first chapter in particular was very exciting.
 
Space the paragraphs a little more in battles remember xD

Aside from that I really liked this chapter, it showed how much Will actually cares about his brothers if he's even willing to give up his Pokemon. Though I do admit that it was a pretty idiotic move to go into a dark alley after he had just had a match that was watched by the whole city.

I wonder how the brother's bond will be now that this happened as there will probably be a lot of guilt around all three of them.
 
Pretty interesting. I like how you have an easy flow to read and follow. I don't ever have to stop and be like, "Now that's an odd choice of words." or "This sounds kind of forced." I can tell you know where this is exactly going.

Anyways, I thought it was a good chapter on whole. Got some plot twists in there, and I wonder what Will will do to get his Pokémon back. I also thought it showed some good brotherly love between the three when Will fought against having his younger bro's Pokémon taken. They also all have their own unique personalities, which is good. Will, Max, and Frankie all seem to stand together in "brotherhood" :lol:

Now excuse me as I go ram my head into a wall over how I deliberately put that retarded pun in there.
 
Gah, I'm really sorry this is so late :-(

This story is off to a really great start so far. Your pacing is great - even though both chapters were taken up mostly by a battle, they were still engaging and showed a lot of character depth within the battle style. I really loved the interactions between the brothers, too. Each of them had very distinct personalities and quirks, though I found myself wondering just how much older Will was from his brothers, and how much younger Frankie was. It seems as though Max has started raising pokemon only recently, and while it's understandable he'd feel some jealousy towards Will for all his accomplishments and popularity, I also found myself wondering how Will obtained that popularity in the first place. After all, as of his fifth gym battle, he not only has a massive crowd cheering for him, but his battle is also televised. I wasn't sure what prompted this rise to stardom when this is nowhere near the level of, say, a league competition. Has he never lost to a gym leader? Has he been winning his badges abnormally quickly? Just the fact that he's a skilled and entertaining battler doesn't quite explain for me the sheer level of popularity Will has earned, but maybe that's just me.

Will has obviously made himself some enemies, and I'm insanely curious as to who this gang leader is and why he has such a grudge against the Wynne family, and Will in particular. Going as far as to attack him and his brothers and threaten them with their own pokemon really set the stage for the tone of the rest of the story, and I applaud that you were able to pull it off so well. To me, though, Max is the most interesting character. I really want to know why he's so jealous and angry at Will all the time - what does he know that we don't? I've got to say I'm really curious to see his development throughout the story.

I'm looking forward to chapter three! Again, sorry this was so late. I know I promised this to you yesterday, but I got caught up studying for my last final.
 
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