TEEN: Buddy's Busting Out All Over

[Arbirchy]

So I've been watching Mr. Buddy videos recently,
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpSnKALaKDo
<- and here's a link to the specific video I'm talking about.

So I thought, "Hey, what if I write a story involving the Sinnoh trio and the 'buddyized' concept?"

This story is not done yet, and I just got done writing the first 'scene.'

Is it good so far? What changes and improvements do you want me to make?

(Although comments are enabled in Gdocs, please post full-length reviews here, and post simple grammar errors in gdocs comments.) Buddy's Busting Out All Over

Spoiler: Preview

September 8th, 1900. Galveston. I was holding on to a piece of plywood, just holding on enough to drift with it. Everything around me was water. I saw mansions in the distance and rubble in the salty Gulf water. My back felt like spines were repeatedly sticking in and out of it. My feet swelled and looked like a giant’s feet. My friends, my family? All gone. All I had was me. I guess that's why they called it the Island of Malhado, which means~


I woke up with a start. My head ached from yesterday. I had a long Netflix-and-chill (get your mind out of the fucking gutter) night yesterday with my friends. You see, that was a celebration for Barry becoming a Frontier Brain. I guess the studies that say screentime is bad really are true. Sitting on the edge of my bed, I saw the window was ajar. The small amount of wind that came in was cool and refreshing. The light that filtered in was golden and bright. I put on my bunny slippers and yawned. It seemed like today was perfect. I went down the hallway and put my feet on the softest part of the carpet on the stairs. It was about to, seemingly, pull me in. That's a sign that I was still tired, but I can't sleep when I’ve awoken already.


“Hey, Dad!” I shouted with glee. I’m a morning person, and I don't like sleeping in. I grabbed myself some coffee and cereal. Dad was asleep, dead on the couch. He isn't usually like this. Maybe he had a long work night. Of course, I was curious, so I went to investigate. Dad had a sticky note on his forehead. It read “Buddy.” I had no clue what that meant, so I slapped it back on his forehead and headed out the door.


Stepping outside, I felt the cool calm breeze as it softly rocked the trees back and forth. The road gleamed in the sunlight and I was almost blinded by it. I was fixing to go over to Barry's and hang out. I crossed the road, although there weren't any cars. It was weird since it's usually Rush Hour at this time. I crossed the street in the fading white paint that marked the crosswalk. My scarf blew in the direction of the wind as I turned right toward my destination.

 

[Arbirchy]

sorry about the big-ass image up there, bulbagarden just does that

 

[Beth Pavell]

Well, there's not a tremendous among to actually say here, it being so short. In terms of getting useful feedback I think you'd be better off waiting till you have a full chapter to post. But in any case, a couple of things I can mention. Firstly, that's a 45-minute video you've got there. I mean, if this story won't stand alone without the context of the video, it's a big ask to want your reader to shell out 45 minutes before they start reading.

Your prose is a bit choppy. Every sentence seems to have exactly one clause, and that gives the impression it's been assembled rather that written. That being said, the technical accuracy is more or less ok. You could do with ditching "questioned" and just adding a question mark. I would avoid the YELLING WITH CAPITAL LETTERS unless you're deliberately going for a ridiculous crack-fic vibe.

 

[Arbirchy]

Well, there's not a tremendous among to actually say here, it being so short. In terms of getting useful feedback I think you'd be better off waiting till you have a full chapter to post. But in any case, a couple of things I can mention. Firstly, that's a 45-minute video you've got there. I mean, if this story won't stand alone without the context of the video, it's a big ask to want your reader to shell out 45 minutes before they start reading.

Your prose is a bit choppy. Every sentence seems to have exactly one clause, and that gives the impression it's been assembled rather that written. That being said, the technical accuracy is more or less ok. You could do with ditching "questioned" and just adding a question mark. I would avoid the YELLING WITH CAPITAL LETTERS unless you're deliberately going for a ridiculous crack-fic vibe.

I'm confused. Why is yelling with caps not good? and what's a crack-fic?

I plan to explain everything in the story so they don't have to watch the video, though.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I'm confused. Why is yelling with caps not good? and what's a crack-fic?

All-caps speech is usually thought of as representing yelling at the top of one's voice - which in reality, most people rarely ever do, and almost never in response to a mild frustration. That's why it's a favourite of the crack-fic - a story that is intended to be funny by being deliberately ridiculous