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TEEN: Chuchu and Expo

Miss Mew

With Lady Rainicorn too!
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Soo..... Rebooting this!!! Teen because it's romance, kinda deep romance, but no true depictions of we-all-know-what. The main characters? Chuchu, the human turned to Pikachu who has no interest in Expo's puppy love, and Expo, the Cyndaquil that is quite the romantic and occasionally becomes a scardey-cat. He always flirts with Chuchu, no matter what the time or whether or not the world's at stake.


UPDATES EVERY 3 DAYS IN SUMMER

UPDATES EVERY WEEKEND IN FALL-SPRING

Set in PMD Sky. Just a few tweaks of the story.

DIRECTORY:

Volume 1

Chapter 1-Meet to Greet!
Chapter 2-The Start of an Exchullent team!
Chapter 3-The Pearl of Wisdom!
Chapter 4-Dimensional Scream for Help!!
Chapter 5-The Cave of Waterfalls!
Chapter 6-Le Café Spinda!
Chapter 7-Expedition??
Chapter 8-Apples for Wigglytuff!
Chapter 9-Gloom and Sorrow...
Chapter 10-Heading...Somewhere!!
 
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Chapter 1-Meet to Greet!

Somewhere, in the middle of time and or space, there was quite the argument going on. "HOLD ON!!!" A man yelled. "BUT...I CAN'T!!!" A woman screamed. "WELL TRY A LITTLE HARDER!!!" "I'M...LOSING GRIP...EEEK!!!" Little did the woman know that her losing grip would bring her on a journey grander than space and time itself.

Meanwhile, at the Guild in Treasure Town, a young male Cyndaquil was holding a bouquet of flowers and pacing in front of the Guild's reading gate. "If I don't Sunflora will dump me... But if I do.... UGH! I'm such a coward!!!" Expo finally ran away, dropping the bouquet of flowers while silently crying to himself. Suddenly, two poison-type Pokémon, Koffing and Zubat, came out of the bushes. The Koffing asked, "Did you see that?" The Zubat replied, "What, the coward man? Yeah, I saw that!" Koffing said, "So, while his hopes are down, we try to mug him! Y'know, make some cash!" Zubat smiled and said, "Yeah, that'll work!"

Down at the beach, the Krabby were blowing the most beautiful rainbow bubbles. Expo walked onto the beach and said, "This is a great scene... If only this wasn't the place where I gave myself a pick-me-up I'd be a lot happier at the sight..." Expo frowned. Suddenly, his eye caught something yellow. It was a Pikachu...that had passed out on the sand!! "OH MY ARCEUS!!!!" Expo yelled. He had no idea what to do. He turned the Pikachu face-side up, and noticed her features. Expo blushed. "Not now!" Expo yelled. He tried to keep his composure, but he couldn't help it. He was full of puppy love once again, and he decided that once she woke up he'd try to maybe ask her if she needed anything. That'd be a good start! Expo, however, realized he had no idea how to wake an unconscious Pikachu up. He blushed, and realized that mouth-to-mouth was a good enough option... Suddenly, the girl woke up. "Ugh....what the? What the hell am I doing here??? And why are YOU so big?" Expo blushed. A girl had never called him big! Although he didn't know whether or not it was the muscle kind, general size or overweight... Expo said, "Well, you're a Pikachu. I shouldn't be that big to you..." The girl screamed, "WHAT??? No! It can't be! I-I'm a human?" Expo sighed. "I'm NOT kidding." The girl looked into the ocean and found that her reflection was, in fact, a Pikachu's! "So, what's your name?" Expo questioned. So, do Pikachu talk like this? the girl wondered. "Chu! Chu!" She replied, hoping she got it right. "Chuchu? Your name is Chuchu? Well... It's a funny name!!! Oh, right. My name's Expo. The pleasure's all mine!" Chuchu shot him a glare. This Cyndaquil was odd.

Suddenly, a Koffing dashed into Expo, who dropped a stone. "Oops! So sorry. NOT!!!" The Koffing laughed as he grabbed the stone and ran. Suddenly, Chuchu gave an electric shock off, knocking the Koffing off its guard. Chuchu snatched it, but right when she gave it to Expo, a Zubat snatched it from her hands. This time, Expo tackled the Zubat, effectively knocking it out. The two both ran away right then, not looking back. "Thanks so much! That's a precious treasure of mine..." Expo said, sighing. "Oh, it's no trouble." Chuchu replied. "Actually, um... If you don't have anywhere to go... I was wondering if you'd form an exploration team with me? You're really strong." "Um, sure.. I guess." Chuchu replied. "Great! Let's go!" Expo yelled, taking Chuchu's hand and running towards the guild.
 
I'm not great at advice, but I'll try to give you a few pointers.

The pacing is very rushed, and I recommend slowing down and exploring the characters' emotions and reactions to the events in the story. The part that stood out to me the most was the scene where Chuchu discovers that she is a Pikachu; you blaze through it and don't really give her a chance to react. If you woke up and found that you were a Pokémon, what would you do? I can't imagine anyone being completely unfazed by such a drastic change. You were off to a good start when you had her screaming in denial, but after she saw her reflection you just moved on and seemingly forgot all about it. Do you really think she would accept something like that so easily? And why isn't Expo the slightest bit concerned about how she claims she's a human? I also find it unrealistic how she automatically knows how to attack with electricity, or at least how she seems to think nothing of it. Take some time and think about what's going through Chuchu's mind; describe her feelings about her new shape and how she's woken up in a strange and mysterious world. That way, readers will have a much easier time relating with this character.

Another thing you need to work on is separating the story into paragraphs. The piece is currently cut up into four chunks of text, but I feel as if you don't actually understand when to start a new line. A paragraph should be comprised of a group of sentences with a single main idea. Additionally, every time a different character speaks, you must start a new paragraph.
 
Please note: The thread is from 11 years ago.
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