Defiance (Chapter 26 Up)

[Lurking]

This is a Johto Journey Fic that I've been planning to write for a while. I've been lurking on the Fan Fic Forums as a guest for nearly a year, but this is my first Fan Fic, so please cut me some slack in some areas. Enjoy!

Why is my Table of Contents aligned right? I dunno, I was bored. Sue me.

Table of Contents (yeah, I know the names don't correspond):

Chapter 1: Early Beginnings
Chapter 2: VS Houndour
Chapter 3: Corny Flashbacks
Chapter 4: VS Gregory I Part 1
Chapter 5: VS Gregory I Part 2
Chapter 6: VS Falkner I
Chatper 7: VS Geodude
Chapter 8: Violet City Contest Part I
Chapter 9: Violet City Contest Part II
Chapter 10: Violet City Contest Part III
Chapter 11: Violet City Contest Part IV
Chapter 12: Angel
Chapter 13: VS Mareep
Chapter 14: VS Falkner II Part 1
Chapter 15: VS Falkner II Part 2
Chapter 16: VS Falkner II Part 3
Chapter 17: Violet City Tournament I
Chapter 18: Violet City Tournament II
Chapter 19: Violet City Tournament III
Chapter 20: Violet City Tournament IV
Chapter 21: Violet City Tournament Finale
Chapter 22: DOES NOT COMPUTE
Chapter 23: Filler!
Chapter 24: Creeper in the Cave
Chapter 25: BUGSY IS A GIRL!?
Chapter 26: I take a hiatus, and then VS Dick I Part I​

***
Chapter 1: Pursuit​

She was running for her life. She wasn't worried that she was running, again; the sad thing was that she was used to it. She thought that she had escaped her former life and she never would have to face up to what she had done. Apparently, she was wrong. Once again, he was chasing her, of all people. She was fast, but not fast enough to outrun the pack of four Houndoom behind her, hunting her, snapping at her feet, waiting for her to tire. The girl tensed suddenly, noticing something, and then she ducked down, grabbed the Pokémon running beside her, and rolled into the grass, just as the lead Houndoom released a jet of fire where her head had been. She rolled up in a single fluid motion, and began to run again.

***​

At the same time, half a mile away, a boy named Kyle stirred in his sleep before jolting out of bed. It was four in the morning, but this was a special morning. Like so many before him, he was finally going to get his first Pokémon. Staring dreamily at the poster by his bed of a small, light blue Pokemon, he paused for a moment to plan out his journey. He would start by going to Professor Elm's Lab and get a Totodile, his favorite Pokemon. Looking back at the poster, he stared at the Pokemon's large jaws and jagged pink spikes running down its back. Kyle had wanted a Totodile for as long as he could remember; he loved the way it looked and he knew it could be a powerhouse in battle.

Jerking up suddenly, he realized that he had been lost in his reverie for too long. He had woken up early for this special day so he could get the Pokemon he wanted; he wanted to ensure that he would get his Totodile. He frantically ran a comb through his blonde hair, threw on a dark green t-shirt and blue jeans, and grabbed the pack waiting by his bed. He paused for a moment by his mother's room, contemplating waking her up, but he decided against it. He could always come back when she was awake and after he had gotten his Totodile.

***​

The girl was still sprinting. The Pokémon that she had picked up earlier, her own starter, was now in her arms as she sprinted through the overgrowth. She quickly glanced down at the Riolu bundled safely in her arms, and then looked to the route ahead. She cursed inwardly when she noticed the ledge in front of her, but she knew that she couldn’t stop. Stopping now would mean death, or a fate far worse. She vaulted nimbly over the ledge, followed closely by the pack of Houndoom. Behind them, a man puffed along, much slower than the girl and his pack of Houndoom in the semi- darkness of dawn. He wasn’t very fussed though. He knew that she was tiring, and once she tired, it would be easy work to kill her.

***​

Kyle bolted to Professor Elm’s laboratory, eager to get his Pokémon and get on the road. He paused to look at the arching doorway, the dark green roof, and the door. Pausing one last moment to look at the He rushed in and skidded to a halt in front of the table. Not just any table, but the table, the very same table that he had dreamed about for all of his life. It seemed simple enough, a large, white, futuristic cylinder, but something made this table special.

There were three Pokeballs on the table, one of which contained Totodile, his starter to be.

He hovered eagerly over the table, reaching for a Pokeball, when suddenly-

“Oh! Kyle!” exclaimed a man behind him. Kyle whirled around, guiltily, to see Professor Elm, his glasses askew and his brown hair slightly rumpled. For some reason, he seemed upset, but Professor Elm continued, saying, “Welcome! There are three Pokémon on this table. One of them will be your partner for life. Have you decided which one you wanted?” His voice echoed dimly in the wooden walls of the laboratory.

Kyle wondered how the Professor could be so calm after such an important statement.

“Oh yes,” replied Kyle, his face earnest, ignoring his early feelings. He picked up the ball in the middle, the one containing his favorite Pokémon. “I choose Totodile!” he shouted exuberantly, pushing the button on the front to release it. To his surprise, nothing happened.

Professor Elm scowled darkly at Kyle. Kyle froze, abashed, frantically pushing the button, trying to rectify his mistake.

Professor Elm seemed to grow several feet in height, towering above Kyle. His face darkened, and his white lab coat shook with fury.

He said angrily, "A thief broke into the lab earlier this morning."

Kyle stared in shock. It was four in the morning! How much earlier could it be?

Professor Elm growled, "He had long, red hair, and piercing brown eyes. He just leapt in through the window," Professor Elm paused, gesturing angrily to the window that was cracked open behind him, "and took Totodile! A rare Pokemon!"

Kyle's jaw dropped open, and the news hit him like a ton of bricks.

He wouldn't be able to get a Totodile.

The realization was stunning.

"Professor Elm?" he asked tentatively.

Professor Elm bulldozed over Kyle's attempted question. "He just barged on in here, and took the Totodile! He wasn't even a nice trainer! What if that Totodile is injured because of him?"

"Professor!" Kyle said sharply, hoping to get his attention.

Professor Elm was still muttering under his breath, pacing angrily across the light green tiles of the lab.

Kyle felt a light touch on his sleeve, and turned around to see one of Professor Elm's assistants. The man beside him reached out gently and patted Professor Elm on the shoulder.

"I know you're upset, sir, but I think the kid needs a Pokemon," the assistant said gently. "And, I think he also has a question for you," he said, glaring at Kyle and motioning for him to speak.

Kyle said the first thing on his mind. "Erm, Professor? Do you think you know when you could get another Totodile?"

Behind Professor Elm, the assistant made frantic motions for Kyle to stop speaking. It was too late.

Professor Elm shook his head angrily.
Kyle felt his heart sink.
“These Pokémon are rare Pokémon that we just found. I don’t think that we will be able to get you a Totodile," the Professor said angrily, "but I could try to send mail to the Pokémon League to get one imported. It should arrive in about six months.” Professor Elm was taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. After a few moments of silence, he continued, much calmer this time. "Do you have a second choice?"

Kyle gawked. Six months. He wanted a Totodile, but not that badly. He sighed again. This was the start of a bad day. He sighed and reached for the ball on the left side of the table. He knew which Pokémon it contained. Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil was cute, but it just didn’t measure up to his favorite, Totodile. He sighed, and said dejectedly, “I choose you, Cyndaquil.” To his horror, nothing happened as he pressed the button, yet again. Kyle didn't even bother trying to press it twice; instead, he looked up to Professor Elm and muttered angrily to himself.

“Don’t tell me,” he said out loud, his eyes flashing. “Some other person stole Cyndaquil as well?” He didn’t even want to hear the answer, but he couldn’t help but ask.

Behind Professor Elm's back, his assistant made frantic motions for Kyle to stop again, but Professor Elm continued, quite calm.

Stepping forward proudly, he said, “Actually, a young boy named Ethan swung by earlier this morning. I gave him Cyndaquil to help investigate a new discovery with Mr. Pokémon. I was hoping to find information about Pokémon origins!”

Kyle was shocked. Firstly, he couldn't use Cyndaquil either. Secondly, he decided that Professor Elm must have been bipolar or something. One moment, he was in a righteous rage, yet, only a few minutes later, he was perfectly calm and discussing Pokemon origins. However, that wasn't the important thing at the moment.

Kyle sighed and walked slowly to the final Pokéball on table, dreading his choice. He just picked up the Pokéball and threw it to the ground, already knowing what it contained. “Chikorita,” he said listlessly, wincing as he said it.

“CHI-koo!” shouted Chikorita happily. The small leaf on its head moved up and down as it happily bounced up and down, and then stopped moving as it noticed Kyle’s expression. “Chi ko?” asked the Chikorita, confused about Kyle’s frown and dark expression.

Kyle sighed. Now that he had chosen Chikorita, there was no going back. He hated Chikorita, because he hated all grass types. He still had dark memories of a Bellsprout attacking him as a child. His Chikorita had small green hooves on the end of its feet and a ruff of green dots on its neck. It had large, red, intelligent eyes and the tip of its leaf stood just up to his knee. He grimaced. Not only was this a Chikorita, of all of the Pokémon that he could have chosen, but it also seemed to be a runt. He wordlessly accepted his Pokéballs and Pokédex before storming out the door, his Chikorita trailing behind him, quite confused.

***​

The girl couldn’t keep it up much longer. Her legs were burning, brambles and branches were tearing small gouges into her arms, and the lead Houndoom was dangerously close to her back. She was debating turning around to confront her attackers, but she knew that it would endanger both herself and her Riolu, especially in her tired state. She was just about to resign herself to defeat and attack the Houndoom, but she noticed a town up ahead. New Bark Town, she realized with joy. He wouldn’t dare pursue her there. The man looked ahead angrily, noticing New Bark Town as well. He would have to catch her soon, or else he would have to fall back and ambush her later. He decided against it, and ordered his Houndoom to run faster. He almost had her.

***​

Kyle walked out of the New Bark Town Pokémon lab, his Chikorita skipping happily along beside his feet. He sighed. His first plan was to raise up his Chikorita a bit, and then head on over to Cherrygrove Town. He walked into the tall grass before he heard a faint rustling sound in the grass up ahead. Craning his head over, he noticed a jet of flame. A fire
type! He realized happily. He rushed into the grass, ignoring his Chikorita’s worried expression.

***​

She was still running, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep it up for. She tensed again, and swerved suddenly to the left as a Houndoom aimed a second flamethrower at her legs. She tripped suddenly, the Riolu in her arms skidding out of her arms as she fell to the ground. Cursing, she rolled up and sprinted onwards, grabbing her Riolu and bolting into the long grass. She had only taken a few more steps when she hit the ground again, this time being knocked over by a person. She got up quickly, eyes alert, and prepared to bolt again. She took off into the grass before she looked back at the person she had knocked down. Most importantly, she noticed the Houndoom quickly approaching him, preparing a Flamethrower. With only moments to spare, she rushed over to the boy lying on the ground, grabbed his wrist, and sprinted towards the Houndoom. Surprised that their quarry was actually charging them, the Houdoom stared at her, bewildered, until their owner cried out in anger, “After them, you bastards!” They turned tail and followed the girl back
into the direction they had come. The chase was on again.

***​

End of Chapter 1
Anyone reading this might notice that this chapter has gotten shorter. After doing some description editing, I realized that this chapter was 8 pages in Microsoft Word... so it's been cut into two chapters now for reading's sake.
Anyways, enjoy!

(And to clarify JetStream's below comment, there will be an extensive backstory. If you read the original chapter 1, which was twice as long, there was an inherent need for a backstory to explain what was going after someone shows up. You know-
*shot)

 

[JetStream]

Re: Defiance: A Journey Fic

I can only imagine what the backstory is going to be like.

I can't find anything wrong with it.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance: A Journey Fic

The new chapter 2. The original one has been moved to chapter 3.

***​

Chapter 2: Collision​

Kyle had sprinted into the grass, eagerly expecting a fire type Pokémon, but had instead come face to face with a girl. The girl was obviously as startled as he was, and she turned tail and ran away from him. He turned around, and was about to make a remark about how he wasn’t as scary as he looked, but he spun back around when he heard a low, rumbling growl from behind him. A Houndoom was approaching him quickly, its deadly fangs protruding from its orange mouth, its white, curved horns lowered, prepared for a charge. It opened its mouth, and Kyle noticed the orange ball of fire forming in its mouth. He struggled to get up, but was suddenly clipped on the side by a speeding object that had grabbed him by the wrist. His Chikorita jumped onto his shoulder and he staggered to his feet, half running and half being dragged along the route. He recognized a girl in front of him, her long dark hair pulled into a braid that was whipping him in the face. She dragged him back into the grass, and as they continued their flight, he heard a faint “After them, you bastards!” His brain slowly processed what was happening, but before he had gotten very far, he noticed a door to a house of some kind. As he ran towards it, intending to ask for help, the girl stopped in mid- stride and turned around.

“Wait!” she cried frantically. “That way is a dea-”

He didn’t hear her. His Chikorita rushed frantically after him as he ran towards the house.

***​

The girl hissed in annoyance. She knew that the Houndoom would track his scent to the house, and she also knew that he wouldn’t be able to get out that way; it was only a small matter of whether or not their pursuer would find it more worthwhile to track her or the boy. She sighed, realizing that she wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt of another
death on her hands. She scooped up the Riolu in her arms and dashed into the house, the door slamming shut behind her.

***​

Kyle skidded to a halt in the checkered floor of the house before he realized that it wasn’t a house after all. There was some sort of desk on the left side of the house, and a chair for a person to sit in. The chair was empty. In fact, the entire gatehouse- that was what it appeared to be- was empty. He looked around, seeking a place to hide. Unfortunately, the gatehouse was large and open, yielding no hiding spots. He was about to run outside to find somewhere else to hide when he noticed a back door, possibly leading to a public place where he could blend in with the crowd. With this in mind, he rushed across the tiled floor and through the back door.

***​

The girl sprinted through the empty gatehouse, sensing that the boy she had run into earlier was up ahead. She rushed out the back door and found the boy attempting futilely to climb one of the large ledges that surrounded the area.

“You can’t get out that way,” she said angrily. “Route 46 is a dead end, you idiot.”

He realized with horror that she was right. He turned around and prepared to run through the door again, but he paused when she suddenly said, “Wait.”

He whirled around and was about to ask her if she wanted to die in a corner when he heard a bang from the other side of the door, followed by the echoing footsteps of a large man and the soft clicks of claws on tile. The girl frantically motioned for him to follow her and they jumped into the tall grass, their faces peeking out behind the fronds. Kyle, crouching beside his Chikorita and the strange girl, noticed the man who had been pursuing them. He was tall, menacing, and had a smug look on his face as he realized that his quarry had run themselves into a dead end. He grinned, and planted himself in front of the door to ensure that they couldn’t escape behind his back, his dark eyes glowing from beneath his black hair as he searched for his prey. Kyle noticed that the Houndoom were sniffing around, looking for his scent. The girl had seen this as well, and she looked worried. One of the Houndoom was approaching the area of grass that they were hiding in, its nose touching the ground. It was only a few feet away from finding them, Kyle realized. Suddenly, the man whistled, and all of the Houndoom darted over to him, standing by his feet. Kyle gave a sigh of relief, realizing that they would be spared.

Then, the man said quietly, his eyes glinting maniacally, “Use Flamethrower. Smoke them out.”

That was when Kyle realized that they wouldn’t be spared after all. The four Houndoom prepared their Flamethrowers, a large orange ball of fire glowing in their mouths. Kyle moaned softly.

The man paused and motioned for his Houndoom to wait. “I know you are in there. Next to you, there is a girl. All you have to do is push her out of the grass, I swear that I will let you and your pathetic Chikorita go.”

He paused. The girl was right in front of him, and she hadn’t appeared to have heard the man. All that he had to do was reach out his hand and give her a shove to send her sprawling out of the grass and he could go home safely. His hand was only a matter of inches away-

The girl whirled around silently and grabbed his arm in a vice like grip. She shook her head, her face unreadable, and then walked out of the grass herself.

“Happy?” she asked, her voice angry and determined.

The man looked pleased. “Nope,” he replied, grinning. He pointed at the spot where the girl had just walked out of the grass, and his Houndoom followed his motion, their eyes glowing. A steady stream of bright fire rocket towards Kyle’s hiding spot, and he didn’t even have time to blink before-

“CHI- KO!” shrieked his Chikorita, jumping up to take the hit for him.

“Huh?” Kyle could only watch as the stream of fire pinned Chikorita to a rock, engulfing it in flames. The poor grass type didn’t stand a chance, and it collapsed to the ground, exhausted and badly burned.

The girl glared angrily at the man, who seemed rather pleased with his handiwork. He grinned again, showing his yellowing teeth.

“Well,” he said pleasantly, “that was rather stupid of your Pokémon. Fine. Houndoom, use Crunch.”

The girl stiffened, and sunk into a battle stance as if she had been attacked by Houndoom all of her life. She probably had, Kyle realized. Next to her, her Riolu did the same.

“On the boy,” he continued, as a single Houndoom separated from the pack and rushed over to Kyle. The girl could only watch as the Houndoom, a blur, raced past her and grabbed the scruff of Kyle’s shirt in its jaws, growling threateningly, its triangular tail flicking, eager for the kill.

“Now, my dear girl, this is what we call a compromise. If you promise to come back to the base with me quietly, the boy escapes with his life. Now if you don’t…” his voice trailed off, but his Houndoom growled and tightened its grip on Kyle’s shirt. Kyle’s eye’s widened with fear.

The girl looked around, noting the Houndoom’s fierce eyes and solid grip on Kyle’s shirt, as well as the clunky hand cuffs that appeared to have materialized in the man’s arms. They clinked menacingly against each other. She appeared to be judging the distance between her and Kyle, and was preparing to rush at the Houndoom when the man snarled, “Don’t do it. As soon as you move, that Houndoom will crush your little boyfriend’s head. If it doesn’t, the others will torch him, and you. If you don’t do anything, the boy dies. If you decide to save him, approach me slowly, with no funny business. Hurry up and take your pick.”

She sighed, dejectedly, and began to approach the man, her hands curled into fists by her sides. The man was preparing to handcuff her hands behind her back when he noticed that the girl had tensed suddenly, frowning and concentrating hard.

The man stopped, visibly perturbed by her actions “Stop doing that! Your a-”

At that moment, two things happened. First, a concentrated jet of water appeared from behind the man and knocked the Houndoom off of its feet, which yelped with surprise and dropped Kyle as the torrent of water shifted to hit the rest of its pack. Second, the girl drew back her hand and punched the man across his face, knocking him to the ground before she followed it with a round house kick to his ribs. He fell to the ground, gasping for breath and obviously winded. She was about to finish him off and handcuff him with the manacles lying on the ground beside her when a small object on the man’s chest glowed with a pale yellow light. It covered all of his body and his four Houndoom, and then the five of them vanished.

“Shi-” she said, her eyes flashing. “He just had to have a teleporter, didn’t he?” she muttered angrily. Of course he did, she replied internally. He's always prepared, I just forgot. Sighing, she approached the person standing in the gatehouse door, the person who had saved her life.

“Totodile, return,” said the boy. He was about her age. He had long, red hair and piercing eyes.

“Your debt is repaid in full,” she said, all traces of defiance gone from her voice. She looked at the boy in a strange way, wondering if he knew-

“I regret that I was ever indebted to someone as pathetic as you,” he said harshly. “Next time you screw up like this, I won’t be there to help.” He turned around and stormed through the gate house, slamming the door as he left.

Kyle sat up suddenly. “Is that the boy who stole my Totodile?” he shouted angrily, struggling to his feet. “I have to go after him!” he shouted, determined. “That Totodile is mine!”

He noticed the girl staring at him.

“He is also a thief,” he said falteringly, noticing her piercing glare, before he stopped, silenced. He struggled to his feet and prepared to rush out of the door.

The girl simply stuck out her arm to stop him, nearly knocking him over again.

“He saved your life, he is too far away by now, and your Chikorita is in no shape for a pursuit like that,” she said coldly. “I will not let you follow him. If your Chikorita does not make it to a Pokémon Center soon, you will lose every ounce of trust that she has in you. I won’t let you follow that boy,” she said, her eyes flashing dangerously.

He looked into her eyes and remembered how easily she had dispatched the man before. He sighed, knowing that she could do the same to him as well. He picked up his Chikorita, its leaf limp and its breathing labored, and headed towards the
Pokémon Center in Cherrygrove. She followed closely behind him, her Riolu once again in her arms.

***​

Please excuse the cliche-ness of the Riolu for the moment. It's got a prominent reason in the backstory (although it won't be explained in full for a very long time).

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance: A Journey Fic

This chapter is a bit long, for a bit of forewarning. It's a pretty fast read, though, so enjoy.

Chapter 3: Revelations​

Kyle wordlessly handed over the Pokéball containing Chikorita to the Nurse Joy on duty at the Cherrygrove Pokémon Center. He slumped down on one of the nearby chairs, mulling over the events of the day. He looked up to see the girl, chatting happily to Nurse Joy, and then handing over her Riolu for some healing. The girl was about as tall as he was, maybe taller, and her gently curving figure was accented by her dark blue shirt and jeans. She had long, luscious, black hair that hung in a braid down her back to her waist. Her heart shaped face was pale and appeared soft, but there was also a hidden wariness to it, as if the girl was always expecting an attack. She was pretty, he decided, but not beautiful. She turned back to face him, and he noticed something that he hadn’t seen before. Her eyes. Instead of the bright, vibrant eyes Kyle had imagined, they were a haunting milky blue, dull, and reflective.
“Are… are you blind?” Kyle asked, shocked that he hadn’t realized this than before.

“Really? I couldn’t see that,” the girl replied, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Kyle smiled at the joke, and then frowned in confusion.

“But, earlier on, you were running, and ducking, and-”

“I’d rather not talk about it right now.” She cut him off, noticing how he was backing away, slowly. “And just because I’m blind doesn’t mean that I can’t see.”

Kyle decided not to reply to that, instead falling back to the typical, “My name is Kyle. What’s yours?”

“My name is Luso,” the girl replied, as if daring for him to say anything about the strangeness of her name. “I’d prefer if you’d just call me Lu, though.”

“Alright, Lu it is. So, what are you doing out here? I’m planning on collecting the eight badges of Johto,” replied Kyle energetically, all hostility forgotten.

“We’re evading capture,” she replied seriously. Kyle realized that she wasn’t kidding.

“We? Who is the other one in “we”?” Kyle asked, worried that she had already included him in some fanatical team of hers.

“Just me and Ri, my Riolu. I believe you’ve met, haven’t you?” Lu replied, seriously. “The man who attacked you earlier was trying to hunt me down. Don’t worry,” she continued hastily, noticing Kyle’s shocked expression, “he won’t be coming back any time soon.”

At that moment, Nurse Joy returned with two Pokémon, Ri and Kyle’s Chikorita. Lu happily accepted Ri and sat her down next to her, while Kyle scowled and put Chikorita on the floor. Nurse Joy, unperturbed, left the two and went back to the overnight hospital, a Chansey puffing along after her.

“Why do you hate your Chikorita so much? She obviously adores you,” stated Lu quietly.

“I didn’t want a Chikorita!” fumed Kyle, angrily. “I wanted a Totodile, but that thief from earlier stole it and you let him go!”

Lu stared at Kyle blandly, her cold eyes piercing. “Do you think I wanted to be blind?”

Kyle stared. He couldn’t find an answer for that. “I still don’t understand. Not only did you act as if you could see everything in front of you, you could see everything behind you as well. Like when I was going to push you ou-” Kyle stopped, ashamed of his previous cowardice, but looked at Lu, interested.

“It’s a long story,” she replied, not looking at him again.

“We’ll be here all night. I’m not going to be leaving until tomorrow morning, and unless you have anywhere to go, you may as well get talking,” Kyle answered.

“Well, isn’t that nice, Ri? He’s actually threatening me,” replied Lu sarcastically. “You do realize I could wipe the floor with you, don’t you?”

Kyle remembered again the relative ease and grace Lu had used to dispatch the man who was attacking her, and he was pretty sure his Chikorita wouldn’t be much use either. “I didn’t mean it like that…” he murmured, already planning escape routes and seeing how long it might take for the Nurse Joy to notice any screams of pain.

“I know,” she said, apparently satisfied.

“You did? Then why did you-” he stopped when he realized that she was doubled over in fits of silent laughter with her Riolu beside her. He frowned, and she straightened up, removing any traces of emotion from her face. The change was eerie. “Well,” he said, trying again, “how did you learn to see?”

***​

A girl sprinted out of a large, non- descript, white building. It was Lu, but much younger, perhaps seven or eight years old. Her hair only went down to her shoulders, and her face still had an air of innocence to it. Her eyes were still the same milky blue, but she was crying, tears streaming from her face as she ran, literally blindly into the forest. She ran headlong into a large, furry object, and fell to the ground.

“Lucario!” Lu murmured reverently.

Luso, my dear. Welcome back. Lucario’s voice, calm and feminine, echoed in Lu’s mind. Telepathy. They were both used to it, and it was obvious that exchanges like this had happened in the past. Why are you here? Surely he would disapprove? Lucario's voice rang with contempt for the "he" whom she spoke about.

“I don’t care about anything he says anymore,” said Lu defiantly. “I need your help, Lucario."

Anything, my dear, replied Lucario, her voice calm and caring. You know that.

“I’m blind now,” replied Lu. She cringed as she said it, as if those two words made her condition final. “I need your help.”

Lucario paused, scrutinizing Lu, trying to sense something. She closed her eyes, the long, black aura sensors behind her ears rising into the air by an unknown force as she stuck out a single paw, studded with a large silver spike, towards Lu. She paused for a few seconds, frowning, apparently reading something.

I think I can help that, Lucario replied quietly. Your aura is strong enough, although it is unpredictable. It may be uncontrollable, and it reminds me of-

“I know,” replied Lu quietly, cutting off Lucario with regret. “But I’ve put that behind me now. I won’t be going back there again.”

I know you wouldn’t, but you must be careful, Luso. If you are not careful, it may destroy you.

Lu shuddered, remembering something in the past. “I know. But it is a risk that I’m willing to take.”

I understand. And I will do whatever it takes to help you.

“Thank you, Lucario.”

To begin, we must first…

***​

“Lu. Lu! LU!” Kyle was frantically shaking the girl, wondering what had happened.

“Huh? Oh,” replied Lu, emerging from her reverie.

“What just happened?” asked Kyle, getting over his surprise. “I just asked you how you could see, and you sort of faded out. You just stopped talking.”

“I’m fine.” The harshness in Lu’s voice returned. She frantically threw up layers and layers of barriers in her mind, preventing all emotion from showing on her face.

“You never told me how you could see…” Kyle asked, hesitant. He was unsure how she would react, and he was afraid that she would snap out at him again.

Lu sighed. “I wasn’t born blind,” she began, her voice devoid of all emotion. “So, when I first woke up blind, I was confused and scared. I was seven,” she retorted, noticing Kyle’s appraising snort. “I fled into the forest, looking for an old friend. Lucario,” she added, in case Kyle didn’t understand. “She was this one’s mother,” she said quietly, gesturing gently at Ri, who had fallen asleep in her lap. “She taught me how to recognize and control the aura- the life force within all things. Right now, I can tell you exactly how many people are within a couple hundred feet radius, or how many Pokémon, if that’s what you want to know. It isn’t like seeing, but it works well in a pinch, and it’s not like I really have a choice anyways.”

“Wait!” Kyle’s voice was excited again, and he was hanging on the edge of his seat in his eagerness. “You can control the aura? Like making Aura Spheres? Or manipulating objects? Telepathic powers? Could you-”

“No.”

“Oh,” said Kyle, slightly disappointed. “I just thought that maybe you could, you know…” He trailed off again. “Why not?”

***​

“No.”

A group of men surrounded Lu. One, in the front, obviously the leader, looked down at her with an air of superiority.

“Aren’t you even going to consider my request?” he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He had a dark demeanor, and was dressed in all black, from his trench coat to his slick, shining boots. His balding brown hair was hidden beneath a dark hat, and his eyes flashed dangerously as he looked down on the tiny girl in front of him.

Lu shrunk back, and then answered defiantly, “Of course not. I’m never going to do that, and you of all people should know that.”

“Oh really?” the man asked. “Are you sure? What if…” he paused, a malicious grin spreading across his face, “the life of a friend was at stake?” He made a motion to his right, and the men pushed a blue, wolf- like creature forward. She seemed unconscious, held up by two men on either side. Her breathing was labored.

“Lucario,” Lu breathed.

“Oh good,” the man said pleasantly. “I see you’ve already met. Well, this changes a lot, doesn’t it?”

NO! Lucario’s voice was furious, ringing in all of their minds with a stunning finality. She was struggling against her captors’ hold, but they outnumbered and outweighed her, and she was quickly subdued. The man who was speaking to Lu nodded curtly, and one of the men released a Pokémon from a Pokéball with a bright flash of light.

“DOUR!” roared the new arrival. A Houndour. Lu swore under her breath as the Houndour, its stubby tail flicking eagerly, its dark eyes glowing, knocked Lucario to the ground and placed a paw on her chest. It opened its jaws, its curved fangs cloaked in fire.

“Houndour. Wait,” ordered the man who had sent out the Houndour. He appeared to be the second in command, and he looked at the man in front before continuing. The leader nodded to him, and he added, “Now, my dear girl, this is what we call a compromise. If you agree to what the master says, it escapes with its life. Now if you don’t…” His voice trailed off threateningly, and the Houndour growled. Lucario struggled weakly beneath the Houndour, but stopped once she saw the flaming fangs in front of her face.

“So, my dear, what will it be?” The leader was speaking again, his voice dripping in menace.

Lu paused, looking frantically between her friend, the flames, and the man in front of her. Then, after what seemed eternity, she put her hands up in defeat, while Lucario only looked up at her from the ground, furiously.

“Excellent, Luso, my dear. I knew you were a smart little girl. You are just as naïve as you look. Carry on, now,” he said, a cruel smile growing on his face.

The other man nodded to his Houndour, who growled appreciatively before cloaking its fangs in fire. It snapped its jaws, blazing with fire, around Lucario’s neck, picked up the Pokémon with strength far greater than its size, and flung her into a rock with a growl.

Lu screamed, the sound echoing in the dark forest.

***​

Lu snapped back into reality with a jolt, noticing Kyle’s concerned face. “I just can’t.” She spat the words out, as if disappointed with her weakness.

“But why?” Kyle’s voice was tentative, but also curious.

“I didn’t act, and a close friend of mine died. I asked Lucario to seal my aura powers deep into my soul, and she grudgingly agreed. All that is left now is my ability to “see” by sensing the vibrations of the aura.” Lu’s voice had a defeated tone to it, along with regret and finality.

“Oh.” Kyle’s voice was quiet, and he stopped asking questions, collapsing back into his seat.

The Poké Center was silent again, except for the quiet whirring sounds of machines in the background. Lu looked to the sleeping Riolu in her lap, while Kyle looked distractedly at the ground. He didn’t want to break the silence, yet it was deafening.

“She must have been a great teacher, though. Where is she now?”

***​

“Lucario!” Lu’s voice was laced with tears. The men had left, leaving just Lucario and Lu in the clearing. Lu knelt down by Lucario, sobbing.

Luso… Lucario’s voice was weak, barely heard in Lu’s mind.

“Please.”

I don’t understand.

“Please! You know what will happen if you don’t. You’ve got to, Lucario. Please…” Lu’s voice faded off as she noticed her friend’s breathing growing fainter, her aura fading.

***​

“She’s dead.” Lu’s voice rung with finality.

***​

Lucario’s paw shot up, seeking Lu’s hands. Lu grabbed it and held it to her chest, sobbing.
Quickly. Lucario’s voice was growing fainter still, almost unheard in Lu’s mind. In the cave, there is an egg. After I die, please-

“NO!” Lu’s voice was furious, angry, tinged with sadness. “You can’t-”

I’m sorry, Luso. I can not change what has happened. All that I can do is change what is to come.

“Lucario…”

You’ve got to, child. Please. In the cave, look after her for me. I’ve already sensed her aura. She is a beautiful child. Please… look after her.

“Lucario…”

Her breath was coming in short, ragged gasps. Lu’s face was streaked with tears, her usual composure long gone.
I love you. And I know I will love her. Please, tell her that.

“I will. I promise.” Tears cascaded down Lu’s filthy cheeks, a stream of sorrow, leaving streaks of pain on her face.

Luso. Do not blame yourself for this. Please.

She stopped. The tiny flicker of life in her eyes died out, and the paw went limp in Lu’s arms. Lu sobbed as she felt the life force in Lucario’s heart slowly give up. And stop.

Her aura was entirely gone, the bright vibrations of life that made up her only friend, the one who was like a mother to her, faded entirely.

The scream that tore from Lu’s ragged lips was like no other.

***​

“Oh.” Kyle’s voice was quiet again. “What happened?”

Lu didn’t answer. She got up and left, leaving Kyle sitting on the bench, bewildered.
Silently, she moved to the row of benches on the back wall, placing Ri gently on the hard wood beside her. She lay down on the bench and rolled over, her back shielding her silent tears from the world.

***​

This concludes Chapter 3. I can't decide if the flashbacks (the parts in italics) are of good quality or too Hallmark-y. And no, there will be no more angst for this part.
I couldn't find a good place to cut this chapter in half, so it's a bit longer than most of the other ones.
Please read and comment regardless.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 3 Up, Please Comment)

Chapter 4: Rivalry​

Kyle woke up the next morning, peering quietly at the huddled mass in the corner that was Lu. He was unsure if she was awake or not, but he was also wary to approach her, in case she sensed his aura or something. He walked back quietly, trying not to make a sound.

Her cold voice cut through his thoughts suddenly.

“I am awake, you know,” she said dryly. Something in her voice told Kyle that she didn’t want to talk about what had happened the night before. She swung her legs over the bench again and proceeded to gather up her stuff, while Kyle stared mutely at her.

“I’m leaving,” she said. “So, I guess I’ll see you whenever our paths cross again?”

“Are you serious?” Kyle asked, his voice reflecting his disbelief. “You come in, drag me into some sort of mess, and almost get me killed, and then you just leave the next day?”

Lu stared at him, conveying her silent answer. Yes.

“That’s not going to happen,” Kyle said, determined. “I’m going with you.”

***

“So, what are your plans? Pokémon League Champion? Coordinator? Breeder?” Kyle asked casually.

They had walked for a few minutes away from the Pokemon Center with no specific aim. Lu seemed intent on putting as much distance as she could between the gatehouse and herself, leading her and Kyle onto Route 30. Now, she was walking slightly in front of him while Kyle trailed behind, his feet making small puffs of dust on the gravely path.

Lu glared at him icily, before answering quietly, “I don’t really have any. I don’t even know half of the stuff that you’re talking about.”

“You can’t be serious.” Kyle said. Yet, judging from her bland expression, he could tell she wasn't kidding. “Well, I’m going to be the Johto League Champion. That means that me and my Pokémon,” he said, nudging Chikorita slightly with his foot, “are going to be the best in the entire world. As for a Coordinator…” He trailed off. “Never mind. I’ll just show it all to you whenever you can. Just don’t try to be the Champion. That’s my goal.”

She turned her head slightly, her blank eyes staring at him.

“You don’t say much, do you?” Kyle asked, ignoring her response.

Lu opened her mouth for a sarcastic reply when a voice cut her off.

“Pathetic.”

“Excuse me?” Lu’s voice was icy, a tone that Kyle was learning to recognize.

“You heard me. Pathetic.” The voice’s source came from ahead of them. A boy about their age leaned on a tree, absentmindedly tossing a Pokéball in the palm of his hand. He had dark brown shocks of hair that hid parts of his face, and black eyes that darted beneath his hair.

Beside Kyle, Lu stiffened noticeably.

“What? Are you deaf as well as blind? I said that you and your stupid Pokémon are pathetic.” The boy’s voice was cold and calculating.

Lu glared at the boy, her eyes piercing.

“My name is Gregory,” the boy continued as he approached Kyle with an arm stretched out for a handshake. “I noticed that you were traveling as a guide with this one here,” Gregory continued with a stage whisper, pointing at Lu, “and I thought I could help you out a bit. I heard you wanted to be the League Champion, and I thought we could travel and train together.”

Lu was about to succumb to the urge to strangle Gregory to death when Kyle spoke up.

“Don’t worry. I decided to travel with her myself. You can come with us if you want!” Kyle’s voice was eager, excited even.

Lu snorted derisively. “He won’t be traveling with us for long,” she muttered darkly, her hands clenching slowly into fists.

Kyle looked frantically at Lu. Attacking a shadowy man intent on capturing them was one thing, but an innocent bystander was another. He was unsure of what to do when Gregory spoke up again.

“Fine. We’ll settle this the way they always do.” The Pokéball now appeared in his hand again. “I challenge you to a battle!”

Lu glared at him. “I refuse,” she said simply.

“You can’t run from a trainer battle,” Gregory said, his voice condescending. “Surely you remember that.”

“Sorry, I didn't see that…” Lu said sarcastically as she glared at Gregory with blind eyes. “Fine. Let’s go.”

***

“You guys really don’t have to do this,” Kyle said uneasily. He was serving as an impromptu referee for Lu and Gregory’s battle.

“Shut up.” Lu said across the field. “Unless you would prefer to referee as I fight him myself?”

Gregory didn’t look intimidated, but he sent out his Pokémon. “Growlithe! I choose you!”

Haven’t heard that one before, Lu thought to herself. “Alright, Ri! Let’s show them what we’ve got!” Ri leapt out of her arms into a fighting stance on the battle field, her tiny teeth bared.

Kyle watched as an orange Pokémon appeared before him in a flash of light. It had black stripes and large, cream colored ruffs on its neck and belly. It would have been quite cute had it not been baring its teeth and growling at Ri quite viciously. Ri whimpered and shrunk back, obviously intimidated by the larger Pokémon.

Kyle stared at the Pokémon, trying to figure out how he could learn more about the new arrival when he remembered the Pokédex that Professor Elm had given him after the disaster at the New Bark Lab. He had forgotten completely about it until now but he decided to test it, pulling it out and pointing the small red device at the Growlithe.

“Growlithe.” his Pokédex stated cheerily. “A Puppy Pokémon of pleasant demeanor and great diligence. It drives enemies away with barks and bites.”

Kyle glanced warily at the Pokémon in front of him again. He could see how it would drive away enemies with barks and bites, but he couldn’t see how it had a pleasant demeanor. The specimen in front of him snapped its jaws eagerly and growled at Ri.

“Meet Growlithe,” Gregory said, obviously pleased. “It’s my starter Pokémon. My dad got it specially imported for me."

Well, isn’t that nice. Lu resisted the urge to say. Meet Ri. She’s my first Pokémon, she’s an orphan, and she’s also all I’ve got. Instead, she gave him an icily cordial “That’s nice,” and then, “Ri! Let’s start this battle off with a Quick Attack, all right?”

“Growlithe! Counter it with Ember!” Gregory shouted across the battlefield.

Ri dipped her head, and then suddenly seemed to vanish. In an instant, she appeared beside Growlithe, smashing her tiny head into Growlithe’s stomach. The orange and black Pokémon was knocked over, but got up quickly. Roaring, it opened its mouth and released a steady stream of tiny, flaming coals from its mouth, pelting Ri in the face.

“Ri, that’s all right!” Lu shouted encouragingly. “Use Quick Attack again to get behind Growlithe, and-”

Gregory cut off her command abruptly. “Growlithe, act fast for a quick Bite attack. It’ll be right behind you, so you can’t screw this up.”

Ri nodded briefly before seemingly vanishing again, appearing this time behind Growlithe’s back, preparing to strike again. Growlithe spun around as well, urged by Gregory, and clamped its strong jaws on Ri’s arm. Ri shrieked in pain before pulling back her other paw angrily. A glowing sphere of light formed in that paw, and she smashed the sphere of bright light into Growlithe’s neck. Her attack forced Growlithe backwards a few feet, knocking Growlithe to the ground for a moment before the brilliant sphere of light expanded into a huge, pale green beam of energy, blowing Growlithe off of the battle field. It skidded painfully to a stop twenty feet or so from Ri, who stood triumphantly in the middle of the field. Growlithe slowly struggled to its feet, growling warily at Ri.

“What… was that?” Kyle asked, shocked. He noticed Gregory scowling at Ri and his own Pokémon, and then looked towards Lu to see if she was as surprised as they were. If she was surprised, however, Lu didn’t show it.

“Force Palm,” cheeped Kyle’s Pokédex merrily. “A powerful fighting type move that may paralyze the opponent.”

Like Kyle’s Pokédex said, Growlithe appeared to be paralyzed. A network of painful looking yellow sparks arced across its body as it stood on the other side of the battle field. It fell to the ground again, succumbing to the numbing power of paralysis before Gregory thundered, “Growlithe! Get up now!”

Growlithe, looking up at its master, gritted its teeth and pulled itself back up to its feet. Roaring, it leapt towards Ri, a tiny stream of fire rushing from its mouth. It rolled to the ground in a somersault, the fire cloaking around its entire body as it rolled like a juggernaut towards Ri.

“I would say use Flame Wheel, Growlithe, but you appear to have done that already,” said Gregory confidently.

“Ri! Get behind it with Quick Attack again and prepare for a second Force Palm.” Lu shouted.

“We aren’t going to fall for that again!” Gregory smirked. “Growlithe, turn around and use Fire Fang!”

Ri rushed around Growlithe, appearing behind it, a sphere of glowing light appearing in her palm. Growlithe, unperturbed, turned to face Ri, its mouth suddenly glowing with orange and red fire. Lu winced as she saw the Fire Fang; for an instant, she was no longer was in the forest, but instead in a memory, watching a Houndour in a dark forest clamping flaming red fangs on Lucario and sending her spinning…

Ri’s terrified shriek jerked her out of her reverie. Unsure of what to do, Ri could only watch as Growlithe snapped flaming fangs around Ri’s neck and flung her to the ground. Angered, Ri staggered to her feet, defiantly glaring at Growlithe.

“Excellent turn around, Growlithe,” Gregory remarked casually. “Now, finish it up with another Flame Wheel!”

“Ri…” Lu said mournfully, unsure of what to say.

She wasn’t sure if Ri could continue. She was about to shout out a command to Ri when a flaming, spinning Growlithe appeared in front of Ri, singing her blue fur and knocking her off of her feet to the ground once more.

“Ri…” Lu said again. She looked at Ri’s prone figure, lying helpless on the ground, unsure if she could take many more hits.

“Growlithe!" Gregory shouted sharply. The Puppy Pokemon was looking at Ri, uncertain of whether or not it should attack. It looked up at its master's voice and obediently leapt up into the air, a small stream of fire expanding from its mouth as it rolled towards Ri. Lu stared in shock as the flaming Growlithe approached Ri’s helpless figure on the ground. Suddenly, Ri staggered to her feet, shrieking bloody murder as a strange orange aura glowed around her entire body as she rushed towards Growlithe, shrieking in rage. Growlithe, unsure of what to do, continued its Flame Wheel attack towards Ri, who had crossed her arms over her chest as she ran towards Growlithe, glowing in the orange light.

“Ri!” Lu cried desperately, unable to block out Ri’s glowing aura in her mind. Unlike Kyle, she couldn’t even turn away as Ri rushed bravely towards her apparent doom. There was no way that Ri could survive that, Lu realized grimly.

Ri, cloaked in orange aura, and Growlithe, cloaked in bright flames, collided with each other, producing a huge explosion. Lu strained forward, trying to sense the auras within the dust cloud. She winced in shock as she sensed one Pokemon stand its ground while the other Pokemon was forced back and sent flying.

Kyle strained his eyes as the dust cleared, revealing...

***​

Sorry for the abrupt cut off, but I had to shorten the chapter somehow- it used to be six pages in Microsoft Word, which was a bit lengthy. Oops.

 

[TeamGalacticMercury]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

Wow.... have you written before? Very rarely have I seen a fic with no mistakes. I saw some stuff in the beginning, but by chapter two, you are flawless. Very well written! Also, don't worry about little views. As soon as you get 2 pages, they will be more views. My fic started out that way. And Yay! You put Silver in there!!!

Anyway, In chapter 1, you might want to look over some spacing with the dialog. It was like this.


"Hi kate"
"Hi allen."
"How are you?"
"Good. You?"
"Okay."
"Nice."

Kate looked at allen and then looked away. She smiled while he looked at her in dismay. blablablablablablablablablab lablablablablablablab lablablab lablablablablablabla.


The dialog should be double-spaced.


Anyway, you fic is great so far! PM me when the next chapter is up

 

[Integration]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

I feel bad for Chikorita. : ( I hope his idiot-trainer-ness goes away. It's a little grating on the nerves. Haha.

Anywho, just something I wanted to mention about using quotes. When you're using quotes, you should use commas if you're going to follow with "he/she said."

Instead of: "Oh, nothing." She replied.

Do this: "Oh, nothing," she replied.

You kinda do it on and off, but stay consistent and use commas. It's okay to just use a period if you're not going to continue the thought, but if you follow with something, use the comma.

All in all, you're doing a pretty good job. Keep it up!

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

I feel bad for Chikorita. : ( I hope his idiot-trainer-ness goes away. It's a little grating on the nerves. Haha.

Sorry about that. I needed a way for him to get a new member, and "boy goes into forest and meets+captures a Pokemon" seemed too boring.
Forget to mention:
Disclaimer: The actions in this story are not meant to offend any Chikorita lovers. They are not a reflection of the author's feelings towards Chikorita.

Wow.... have you written before? Very rarely have I seen a fic with no mistakes. I saw some stuff in the beginning, but by chapter two, you are flawless. Very well written!

Wow. Just wow. I'm flattered. Thanks. (and no, no prior writing experience. Just the Analysis/Research Papers you get in Middle School English, but those hardly count)

Anyways...

Chapter 5: Flare​

Kyle watched in shock as Ri stood her ground, cloaked in the orange aura, while Growlithe went flying back. The black and orange Pokemon hit the ground with a dull thud, sending up a small cloud of dust as it collapsed, exhausted.

“Counter.” Gregory spat angrily. “Your stupid thing just had to know Counter, didn’t it?”

Lu didn’t bother replying that Ri had just learned Counter in a matter of impromptu moments as Growlithe rushed towards her.

Growlithe, on the ground, tried struggling to its feet again, but the arc of yellow sparks suddenly crackled to life again, forcing it to the ground in pain. Kyle stared at it in shock, wondering what was wrong with Growlithe, until he remembered that it had been paralyzed by Ri's Force Palm earlier. It lay on the ground, panting for breath, as Gregory glared harshly and Lu stared sympathetically at the injured Pokémon.

“Face it, Gregory. Your Growlithe can’t battle anymore. I think I won this one.” Lu said, her voice still sorrowful as she stared at the damage she and Ri had caused.

“Growlithe. Up. NOW!” Gregory roared at his fallen Pokémon.

Growlithe, hearing its master’s words, leapt to its feet, fire in its eyes. A huge vortex of fire formed around it as it howled, the blood curdling echoing in the treetops. Roaring angrily, Growlithe leapt at Ri, the vortex of fire surrounding it as it charged Ri. She had no time to prepare for a counter attack or get out of the way as Growlithe leapt towards Ri, engulfing her in flames. A huge ball of fire formed in Growlithe’s mouth and it released a devastating Flamethrower at the already weakened Ri, who was already trapped within the flaming vortex. The tiny Emanation Pokémon flew through the air, whimpering, until it skidded to a halt on the ground, exhausted.

“You know,” Gregory smirked, “I think I won this.”

Ri staggered to her feet, preparing the yellow sphere of light for a Force Palm when her legs gave out from under her and she collapsed to the ground, all fight gone from her eyes.

“Yes,” Gregory continued, “I think I won this. Growlithe, return.”

Kyle paused, before stuttering haltingly, “I think Ri is unable to battle. Gregory and Growlithe win the battle… What just happened?” he asked in shock.

Gregory didn’t answer, but instead recalled his Growlithe to its Pokéball. With a flash of light, the exhausted but victorious Growlithe vanished again.

“Well,” Gregory said, his eyes glinting, “that was pathetic, wasn’t it?”

Lu paused for a moment, and then, in a swift movement, approached Gregory and slapped him across the face. The crack echoed in the treetops for a moment, and Gregory spun in nearly a complete circle, clutching his injured cheek. Lu stared at him contemptuously with her cold eyes, scooped up Ri in her arms, and strode off from the clearing. She paused for a moment and turned around to stare at Kyle.

“Are you coming?” she asked quietly, ignoring Gregory, who was sprawled on the ground, rubbing his flushed cheek.

Kyle jerked up with a start, looking into her eyes. He glanced back towards Gregory, and then followed Lu.

“Welcome back,” she said sarcastically, hiding the pain she felt after a humiliating defeat. “Let’s go.”

***

They had been walking in silence for a few moments when they approached a large cave. The brown crags of rock jutted out at harsh angles, forming a foreboding entrance. Echoes of strange roars emanated eerily from the inky darkness of the cave, followed by a piercing shriek. Beside the entrance, something that looked strangely like a Ratatta skull lay discarded, the bone bleached white. Kyle peered inside curiously, before retreating a few paces to read the sign by the entrance.

“Dark Cave.” Kyle read, unperturbed by the blackness and shrieks echoing from within. “I bet that there’s loads of rare Pokémon in there! We should check it out!” He shouted enthusiastically, running into the inky darkness of the cave. He only ran for a few steps before pulling up short, stopping in fear.

“What’s wrong?” Lu asked, alarmed. She hadn’t sensed anything, but she was unsure.

“It’s pitch black in here! We can’t see a thing!” Kyle shouted in horror.

“Oh no.” Lu said sarcastically. “We can’t see. Wouldn’t want that to happen now, would we?”

Kyle stopped, abashed. He was carefully feeling his way along the wall to find the exit when his hand hit something that was definitely not rock. He prodded it again, just to make sure, and then leapt back, screaming in horror. The thing was alive!

“Chikorita, go!” He shouted, unsure of what to do. He threw the Pokéball to the ground, and it released his Chikorita in a flash of light, briefly illuminating the cave.

“Chik-a,” it shouted, overjoyed to finally be out in the open again. It paused after moment as it realized that it was pitch black. It scythed the leaf on its head in an attempt to fend off the unknown assailant in vain, but stopped after a moment, panting slightly.

“This is useless!” Kyle growled in frustration. He was eager to battle the Pokémon that he had encountered, but he couldn’t see a thing and it would be useless. “Never mind, Chikorita. Let’s just get out of here, okay?”

Chikorita agreed, relieved, with a quiet growl and leapt towards the light of the exit, glad to leave the ominous cave. Behind him, Kyle heard with regret the cry of the Pokémon they had to leave behind, followed by the soft flutter of wings in the air and a high pitched shriek, followed by an enormous roar. Kyle froze in fear. That hadn’t been the Pokémon he had encountered earlier; this one sounded angry. He heard the roar again, but this time louder, and closer to him.

He rushed towards the rim of light in the distance, stumbling through the rocks and pebbles in the cave, and landed by the mouth of the cave. Running outside, he reveled in the glorious sunlight, hearing the load roars of an unknown Pokémon back within the inky depths of Dark Cave. Panting, he looked down at the ground to see Chikorita beside standing beside him, its eyes widened in fear.

“Sorry about that, Chikorita," Kyle said, disgruntled. He looked over to see Lu laughing beside him.

“The Great Champion falls,” she said, grinning. “Vanquished by a mere Geodude.”

“A Geodude?” Kyle asked, amazed. “We’re getting that Pokémon, and we’re getting it now!”

He rushed back into the cave eagerly, only to run face to face with the Pokémon in question.
It roared again, causing Chikorita to pace the ground nervously.

Kyle whipped out his Pokédex to take a look at what Geodude had to offer.

“Geodude, the Rock Pokémon.” His Pokédex continued cheerily, “Geodude has incredibly high defensive power, making it virtually resistant to any physical attacks.”

“I want it,” Kyle whimpered, like a child in a candy store. “Chikorita, start off the battle with a Tackle!” Kyle shouted happily.

Chikorita leapt forward, ramming its tiny body into Geodude’s strong rock arms.

Geodude frowned angrily, barely knocked back by the attack, before retaliating with a Tackle of its own. It rammed its body into Chikorita, who went flying across the clearing. Skidding to a halt, Chikorita growled determinedly, suddenly flicking its head forward with a single, swift motion. A huge barrage of leaves rushed from the single leaf on Chikorita’s head, streaming towards the Geodude. Each leaf, sharp as a blade, seemed to slice Geodude’s rocky body, forcing it to cross its arms over its face as the stream of leaves continued. Finally, with a defeated growl, it collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Kyle rummaged through his pack, frantically looking for a Pokéball. When he looked up, the Geodude had gone, fleeing back into its retreat within the black recesses of Dark Cave.
Chikorita sighed sadly while Kyle pouted and collapsed to the ground, disappointed.

“I am going to catch a Pokémon!” he vowed angrily.

“You think that, Master Champion Sir,” Lu muttered sarcastically, grinning as she casually leaned on the edge of the cave.

“Fine. We don’t need a Geodude anyways,” Kyle said, trying to console himself. “It’s the Gym Badge we need. Are you up for it, Chikorita?”

“Chik-o!” Chikorita cried eagerly.

“Well, let’s go then.” Kyle said, rushing off towards the path to Violet City. “We’ve got a badge to win!”

***​

This concludes Chapter 5. Chapter 6 features the battle with Falkner for the Zephyr Badge.

 

[Zekurom]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

Alright, so I'm reading through this fic right now, and I'm going to be posting a review for Chapter 1 only here.

I like your description of the Riolu girl running away from something.

Your story merges the two, a boy and girl, quite well. And what's wrong with a Riolu starter? As long as it has a role later on in the story, instead of just being a Riolu for the sake of being a Riolu, you should be fine.

There were a few mistakes here and there, though.

It wasn’t a new concept to her altogether; it just wasn’t recent.

This sentence doesn't make much sense. I think you meant that it was just recent, which would make more sense, because the wording makes it seem like you're giving us a contrast, but the two sentences agree with each other.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

This sentence doesn't make much sense. I think you meant that it was just recent, which would make more sense, because the wording makes it seem like you're giving us a contrast, but the two sentences agree with each other.

Ahh... I see how you interpreted this.
I meant to say it as "she had been pursued before, just not in a while" just wasn't recent, while I'm assuming that you interpret it as "...it [the fact that she was being pursued". I can see how people can see it like that. I never looked at it that way, because I thought of it in the first way, but now that I look at it closely, that sentence makes absolutely no sense. <Goes to edit somehow>

And what's wrong with a Riolu starter? As long as it has a role later on in the story, instead of just being a Riolu for the sake of being a Riolu, you should be fine.

See, I was afraid that people reading from the very first chapter would see the Riolu, think its just a cliche anime rip-off or something, and leave. (Of course, by writing that at the end of the chapter, I'm assuming that they actually bothered reading to the end).
Luckily for me, Riolu has a key part to the story (somewhat explained in Chapter 2, but it comes into detail later)

Thanks.
And, Integration, I should probably go through and fix all of the comma errors.

Enter chapter 6

Chapter 6: Zephyr​

Kyle rushed into Violet City through yet another gate house. He quickly bypassed the Pokémon Center and dashed straight into the Violet City Gym, eager for his first badge. He barged in noisily, Lu following quietly behind, in contrast to his excited demeanor. If anything, she seemed bored to be in the Gym. However, she didn’t say anything as she walked behind Kyle and stepped carefully onto the glass platform that carried them rapidly skyward.

Lu looked down nervously at the ground as they rose higher into the gym.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked.

“I hate heights.” Lu muttered darkly.
“Oh. Why?” Kyle asked, still looking eagerly upwards to see what lay ahead.

“I can’t sense much that is any farther away than a couple hundred feet or so. I can kind of sense living things for about a mile or so, but I can’t even feel the ground anymore.” She said quietly.

Kyle looked down at his feet, through the glass platform. He could see the ground easily, he realized, but she couldn’t see it at all. He was about to offer some tentative advice or consolation when the platform suddenly jerked to a halt, hundreds of feet above the ground. Excited again, Kyle leapt off the platform, followed slowly by Lu. Looking straight ahead, Kyle noticed the person who appeared to be the Gym Leader standing, on a platform, blocked by two trainers. All were standing on thin pieces of wood that appeared to be unsupported, despite being hundreds of feet above the ground. Kyle sighed, and realized with resignation that he would have to battle two random trainers just to battle the Gym Leader, seeing as he couldn’t possibly climb around them. He was about to step forward to battle the first trainer when he felt a hand on his back.

“Look,” Lu said, pointing to what appeared to be empty space.
However, when he squinted carefully, he noticed thick panes of glass running around the sides of the gym, reaching the gym leader, also bypassing the trainers. He quickly stepped off the wooden platform he was standing on and walked carefully on the panes of glass. As he edged carefully around the edges of the gym, he noticed one of the trainers glaring at him across the chasm of the Gym.
“The trainers always find that out,” he muttered. “No once actually battles us anymore,” he mused sadly.

Kyle debated turning back and battling him, but his excitement was too great. He edged along the glass squares for a few more steps until he reached the Gym Leader.

He found himself looking at a rather intense looking young man with dark blue hair that hung in his blue eyes. He turned to face Kyle, a Pokéball already in his hand.

“I'm Falkner,” he said proudly, “the Violet City Pokémon Gym Leader. I assume you would like to battle me?”

“Of course!” Kyle said, eagerly.

“How many Pokémon do you have?” Falkner asked, scrutinizing Kyle.

“Just one.” Kyle replied. “But that doesn’t change a thing!”

“Yes, it does.” Falkner replied patiently. “It means that I will only be using one Pokémon as well.”

“Really?” Kyle asked, amazed. "I thought Gym Leaders used all of the Pokémon they had, regardless of the situation!"

“Well, actually,” Falkner looked around sheepishly. “One of my Pokémon was badly injured in a battle against a boy about your age. He had long, red hair, a very violent and harsh battling strategy, and a Totodile that completely destroyed my poor Pokemon."

Kyle flinched at the description of the boy who had taken his Totodile.

“Anyways,” Falkner continued, “I only have one at the moment, as my other one is in no condition to battle. Are you ready?”

“Yes.” Kyle replied, squaring into a battle stance.

“What are you doing?” Falkner asked, staring at Kyle, confused.

“I… was just preparing to battle…” Kyle said, unsure of what he had done wrong. Behind him, he heard a small laugh from Lu.

“You can’t battle in here, idiot.” Lu replied, grinning. Focusing, she continued, “the real arena appears… to be upstairs, on the roof, correct?” She asked, directing her question at Falkner.

“That’s right,” Falkner said, noticing Lu for the firs time. “You won’t be battling as well, will you?”

“No,” Lu said. “We’re just along for the ride.” She finished, gesturing at Ri, still sitting snugly in her arms.

“Now that we’re done with introductions, we can begin, right?” Kyle asked, annoyed by the interruptions.

Falkner looked at him carefully, as if sizing him up. “Fine. Let’s go.”

***

Lu was right. The battle field was on top of the Violet Gym, taking up the entire roof. There was no roof on the field itself, but there were large glass walls that guarded the edges of the roof to prevent people, from falling off, Kyle surmised. Kyle rushed to his side of the battle field while Falkner walked proudly to the opposite side, a Pokéball in hand. Now that he was in the open, Kyle noticed, Falkner seemed a lot more relaxed than he had been earlier. Lu leaned against one of the glass walls, behind the referee, who stood in the middle.

“People say you can clip Flying-type Pokémon's wings with a jolt of electricity,” Falkner began proudly. “... I won't allow such insults to bird Pokémon! I'll show you the real power of the magnificent bird Pokémon!” And with that, he summoned his first Pokémon.

“Pidgeotto! Let’s go! The wind is with us!” He shouted.

At his command, a large brown bird burst out of his Pokéball. It was over three feet tall and leapt into the air with a couple of strokes from its powerful tan-feathered wings. Kyle quickly noticed the sharp pink beak and lethal looking silver talons. It had what appeared to be a red headdress on its body that went down its brown back, giving it the appearance of large red ribbons sprouting from its head. It also had luxurious tail feathers of the same color, intermingled with tan ones. It gave an ear-shattering shriek before back flipping gracefully to hover gently next to Falkner, its wingtips gently scything through the air.

Only slightly intimidated, Kyle send out his own Pokémon.

“All right, Chikorita! Let’s show them what we’ve got!” he shouted, hoping to intimidate the Gym Leader a bit.

Chikorita appeared daintily in a flash of light, its dark green hooves gently touching the ground. Upon seeing Pidgeotto, a look of fear filled its face before it frowned, and scythed the leaf on its head through the air, trying to scare its opponent.
Pidgeotto replied in fashion, spreading its wings into the air and shrieking again, its talons spread and ready for battle.

“Chikorita!” Kyle shouted. “Let’s start this off with Razor Leaf!”

Chikorita eagerly complied, and scythed its head back and forth a few times, creating a slew of blade like leaves that flew towards Pigeotto. Satisfied, Chikorita stopped, pleased at its newly learned attack.

“Gust.” Falkner said quietly to his Pokémon. Truth be told, he was shocked that this boy had decided to challenge his gym with a Grass-type, of all things, and it was his only Pokémon at that. He was gutsy, Falkner decided. Or he was an idiot.

Pidgeotto shrieked and rapidly flapped its wings at the barrage of leaves coming towards it, creating stormy gusts of wind in front of it. Not only did the attack stop the leaves in their tracks, they also blew them back towards Chikorita. Chikorita shook its head, confused as to why its own attack hit it, until the gusts of air swept it off of its feet. It was knocked back at first, and then, when it was too weak to resist, it was sent flying into the glass walls of the Gym.

Kyle realized why the glass walls were there now.
“Chikorita! No!” he cried desperately.

Falkner decided. As he watched his challenger shout to his Pokémon, even after it had taken a fatal attack, he decided that Kyle wasn’t trying to be brave, he was just ignorant.

Chikorita slumped to the ground, unconscious and unable to battle any longer.

The referee stared at Chikorita at a moment, and, seeing that it was not going to get up, he shouted, “Chikorita is unable to battle! Leader Falkner is the victor!”

***​

What, did you seriously expect Kyle to win against Falkner. On his first battle?

 

[Zekurom]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

See, I was afraid that people reading from the very first chapter would see the Riolu, think its just a cliche anime rip-off or something, and leave.

Well, I don't know of any trainer that actually has a Riolu starter in the anime...

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 4 Up, Please Comment)

Well, I don't know of any trainer that actually has a Riolu starter in the anime...

Erm... actually, I've drawn a blank on that too, and I don't think there are any. It's just that there are so many fics that might eventually turn out really well but aren't liked initially because they've got cliche starters (imported from another region, Eevee, got up late and had to use a Pikachu). Unfortunately, I needed Riolu as part of my plot, but I was also afraid that people would think I was using a cliche idea or something. I don't really know what I was thinking, but Lucario is pretty popular in the fics that don't go very far, and I desperately didn't want that to happen, hence the disclaimer.

EDIT/PART 2: (this is replying to dp876, but I didn't want to make it seem like I was bumping my thread up. No good)
First, it seems that your review is about half as long as one of my chapters. That's great. Thanks for taking the time to do that.
Yes, I've got the entire story planned out, to the end. I just need to fill in with detail and what not.
I see what you mean with Kyle's/Professor Elm's intro. My reasoning here was that there was a chase- I wanted to build suspense here, and make things go back, but now I see that it would be more effective to switch from dramatic to slow. I'll go beef up that section a bit.
Professor Elm's reaction- I'm not sure what I was thinking there. He was seriously PO'ed in the games, so I'm not sure while he was calm there. I'll go change that too.
And yes, as you've probably figured out by now, dialoguing with commas and capitalization is my weak point. I'd thought I'd edited those all out, but apparently a few slipped through.
I'll probably end up bumping each release date to every five days instead of every three, if that makes reading better. If anyone reading this doesn't like that, PM me or comment. I think it's a pretty good idea (and the chapter quality will end up being better, hopefully).
Thanks for the review, though. I've got a lot of editing to do. (I mean this in the least cynical way, it's a good thing that you've found bad things in my story)

Also, I've felt the liberty to include:

Chapter 7: Glimmer​

Kyle sank to his knees in shock. He had not even been able to land an attack on Falkner’s Pidgeotto, which was flying around the Gym in circles, cawing victoriously.

“You have some obvious problems here,” Falkner began, his voice harsh. “First. You have no clue about type alignments. Your Chikorita here doesn’t stand a chance around this Gym because it is at a huge disadvantage here. A single gust of wind could pick it up and blow it away. Even thinking of bringing it here could cause it serious injury. Second. You have no real strategy. You just try to use your strongest attack; you don’t even pause to think of what could happen.” Falkner paused, trying to see if his words had hit home. “You are not worthy of my badge now, and you’re going to have to do some serious training if you think you’re going to get it any time soon.” He glanced at the boy, who had dropped to his knees in horror. “You may go now. And you might want to think twice before you challenge my gym again.”
***


“Brighten up, Kyle. Everyone has to lose sometimes.” Lu said, concerned, looking at Kyle. They were back in the Pokémon Center, waiting for Chikorita to be healed.

“I know, I know,” Kyle said, exasperated. “You’re going to tell me how we’re all winners deep, deep down, and I can just do it again if I believe in myself and my Pokémon, right?”

“Actually, no.” Lu said with a grin. “I think you should try to catch yourself another Pokémon. Do you have any thoughts?”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way,” Kyle said, pausing to think. “I always thought that wild Pokémon would just show up, and they would usually fit perfectly into your team.”

“And you thought that because…?” Lu asked. “You should probably just go look for one. If you’d like, we can sit here all day and wait for the perfect Pokémon to waltz on up to you and you can see if it works well into your team,” she said sarcastically.

“Your Pokémon is fully healed.” Nurse Joy appeared behind them, bearing a happy Chikorita in her arms.

“We hope to see you again!” She left, her pink curls bouncing as she walked to the back room of the Pokémon Center again.

“Chi…” Chikorita looked at Kyle sadly, unsure of what he would say.

Kyle simply looked at his Pokémon and sighed before opening up a map to see the local Pokémon in the area.

“Don’t worry about it, Chikorita.” Lu said, trying to cheer the Leaf Pokémon up a bit. Chikorita just sighed, dejected.

“Maybe,” Lu said, glaring at Kyle, “You should try to cheer her up?”

Kyle scowled and leapt to his feet. “I’ve decided."" he said, ignoring Lu's suggestion, "We’re going after that Geodude again!” With that, he walked out of the Pokémon Center. Chikorita leapt after him with a growl, and Lu sighed, and dashed after him.
***


“All right, now where is the Geodude?” Kyle called out into the inky darkness of Dark Cave again.

Lu skidded to a halt next to him. “Well, there is one…” paused for a moment, frowning, before continuing, “right behind you. I assume you’re going to battle it outside, right?”

Kyle spun around, nudging Chikorita into action with his foot. “Use Razor Leaf right behind me, all right?”

Chikorita growled and then sent a stream of leaves at the general vicinity of the Geodude. It roared angrily as it was forced backwards and out of the cave by the force of the attack.

“After it!” Kyle cried, rushing out of the cave entrance.

Chikorita ran out in front of him and skidded to a halt in front of the Geodude.

Kyle darted after it, preparing a Pokéball to throw at the Geodude. He gasped when he saw it.

“Lu, take a look at this!” he shouted, excited.

Lu glared at him. “Sure.” She said, turning blind eyes to look at the Geodude. “Your point?” she asked sarcastically.

“The Geodude!” He shouted. “It’s orange and sparkly!”

He whipped out his Pokédex and pointed it at the Geodude for more information.

“Geodude.” It stated. “The-”
“No, not that.” Kyle growled, exasperated. “Is this Geodude special?”

“This Geodude is a shiny Pokémon. It is of special coloration. There is a 1 in 8,192 chance of a shiny Pokémon’s appearing in the wild.”

“Chikorita! Hold back!” Kyle shouted, ecstatic. “I’ll just keep throwing Pokéballs at it, okay?”

Chikorita nodded and got out of the way as the orange Geodude sunk down, exhausted.

Kyle rifled in his backpack and pulled out a Pokéball, preparing to throw it at the Geodude. He lobbed it at the Pokémon, and watched as it sped through the air towards the Geodude, about to absorb it in an energy field, when another, fast moving object the size of a baseball knocked it out of the way. Kyle could only watch helplessly as a Great Ball knocked into Geodude and absorbed it. Kyle stared in shock as the other ball shook once, twice, and then burst open, revealing a very exhausted Geodude with a flash of light and a sparkle.

Kyle watched as his Pokéball rolled over to the Geodude and sucked it within with a flash of light. The ball shook once…

Twice…

Three times…

And then stopped moving with a sparkle of stars, revealing that Geodude had been caught.

“YES!” Kyle shouted, pumping his fist in the air. Chikorita leapt up and down happily as well. He grabbed the Pokéball in his hand and was waving around triumphantly when he noticed a disgruntled figure in front of him. Kyle looked up to recognize Ethan, from his home town, scowling slightly at him.

“That’s a nice catch you made there.” Ethan said, looking with longing at the Pokéball nestled firmly in Kyle’s hand.

“Well, thanks.” Kyle said, tightening his grip on the Pokéball slightly. “I guess you were the one who threw the Great Ball earlier?”

“Yes.” Ethan said. “Pity it didn’t work though. I was going to catch that Geodude to complete my Pokédex.” He stopped, a sad look in his eyes. “Professor Oak asked me to complete a Pokédex for him. It is his only goal. He has been waiting so long to have complete information on all of the Pokémon in the world, and to think, I failed him…” he trailed off. It appeared as though he was about to cry.

“Hey, Ethan,” Kyle said, unsure of what to do next. He wanted a Geodude, but he didn't want to make Ethan cry over it. He decided. “Maybe, if you’ve got something really cool, I could trade you this Geodude for it. I never wanted to come between a man and his dreams.”

“Really?” Ethan asked, all trace of sorrow gone from his voice. “I’ve got this really cool, mysterious egg that Professor Elm sent me. He said that it contains a rare and powerful Pokémon once it hatches. Since you’ve been so nice, I could let you have it in return for your Geodude.”

“Sure!” Kyle said, excited. He couldn’t wait to see what rare and powerful Pokémon Professor Elm was talking about. He eagerly offered the Pokéball containing Geodude to Ethan, who quickly snatched it up, grinning.

“Gee, thanks, Kyle!” he said, ecstatic. “Here’s the really great egg that Professor Elm gave me,” he said, pulling a large, oval egg out of his backpack. It was white and covered with red and blue triangles on the surface. Kyle picked it up gently and stared at it reverently.

“Do you have any idea what it will hatch into?” he asked tentatively.

“Huh?” Ethan asked. “Oh, erm, no.” He said, very quickly. Then, with his new Pokémon safely in a Pokéball on his belt, he rushed off. “Bye! Thanks!” he shouted.

Lu stared at Kyle in shock.

“What?” Kyle asked, abashed.

“Oh, nothing.” She replied, snorting in disbelief.

“Well, then, let’s go.” Kyle replied. “I’ve got a rematch with a Gym Leader!” Yet, even as he said it confidently, Kyle realized that he would never have that rematch.

***​

Yes, it was strange to catch a Shiny Pokemon and then have Kyle trade it away, but I would rather have him trade it then keep it. Also, it was a better way to explain a new party member than to just pick it up from the Pokemon Center.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up, Please Comment)

I have come to review chapter 1! Don't be intimidated by the length of the review. I really am pleasantly surprised by the quality considering it's your first fic, so keep up the good work. I'll be back to review the rest of the chapters when I have time.

She was running for her life. She wasn't worried that she was running, again; the sad thing was that she was used to it. She thought that she had escaped her former life and she never would have to face up to what she had done. Apparently, she was wrong. Once again, she was running from him, of all people. She was fast, but not fast enough to outrun the pack of four Houndoom behind her, hunting her, snapping at her feet, waiting for her to tire. The girl tensed suddenly, noticing something, and then she ducked down, grabbed the Pokémon running beside her, and rolled into the grass, just as the lead Houndoom released a jet of fire where her head had been. She rolled up in a single fluid motion, and began to run again.

I like how you open up with an action scene, and the description makes it intense, which is good. I also like how you introduce the character's backstory without revealing too much. Makes me want to know what she had done, who exactly she's running from, and so on. My only problem here is your redundancy when saying that she's been running like this before. It's hinted at in every sentence. Repetition is good when you're trying to emphasize a point, but I don't think that this was the place for it, because it distracted me from the intense tone that you wanted to have here with the action.

At the same time, half a mile away, a boy named Kyle stirred in his sleep before jolting out of bed. It was four in the morning, but this was a special morning. Like so many before him, he was finally going to get his first Pokémon. He frantically ran a comb through his blonde hair, grabbed the pack waiting by the side of his bed, and ran downstairs. Kyle frantically threw on a dark green shirt and pair blue jeans. He was tempted to return and wake up his mother, but he decided against it. His mother could wait, but his Totodile wouldn’t.

You do very well with introducing the girl, but it seems that you rush with Kyle here. Why does he want a Totodile? Why does he want to go on a journey, exactly? I'm not very excited for him because I know nothing about him.

She quickly glanced down at the Riolu bundled safely in her arms, and then looked to the route ahead.

I got kind of worried here when I read that her starter was a Riolu. Along with Eevee and Pikachu and all of them, Riolu is a very common starter than people like to put in their fics. Which is fine--unless you make it a Mary-Sue or unless you make all of the trainer's pokémon special and rare.

EDIT: You said there are reasons for the Riolu at the end, so, uh... I guess I'm looking forward to them? xD It seems like you have your characters planned out nicely, which is good to hear.

“Oh! Kyle!” Exclaimed Professor Elm excitedly.
“I choose Totodile!” He shouted exuberantly.

"Exclaimed" and "He" shouldn't be capitalized. An exclamation point is a replacement for a comma, and the rule doesn't change: speech tags are not capitalized.

“Oh. Yes.” Professor Elm looked around sheepishly. “Another boy, with long, red hair and piercing eyes came in and, erm, stole Totodile nearly an hour ago. Do you have a second choice?”

I know Professor Elm probably isn't going to be a major character in your fic, but he isn't very realistic here. All characters, minor or major, have to be realistic. Professor Elm surely isn't going to be calm about a pokémon being stolen. Why isn't he looking for it? He could at least mention the police and say that he's at his lab watching for other potential threats or something.

Kyle sighed. Now that he had chosen Chikorita, there was no going back. He hated Chikorita, because he hated all grass types.

Aw, poor Chikorita. xD This might sound mean, but I'm glad you didn't give Kyle exactly what he wanted. It'll make for interesting character interaction and it shows me that Kyle isn't going to get through this journey with ease (which is a common occurence in OT fics).

He noticed a back door and decided to go out to back and see if he could find help.

I would imagine he'd want to stay and find a place to hide. Not go back out into the danger. I don't know... I just found this part a bit hard to believe.

“You can’t get out that way.” She said angrily.

Should be: "You can't get out that way," she said angrily.

He realized with horror that she was right. He turned around and prepared to run through the door again, but he paused when she suddenly said “Wait.”

Forgot the comma after "said".

A steady stream of bright fire rocket towards Kyle’s hiding spot, and he didn’t even have time to blink before-
“CHI- KO!” shrieked his Chikorita, jumping up to take the hit for him.

Nothing wrong here, I just wanted to point out how I liked that you broke off mid-sentence with a dash. It's a good and effective way to build suspense and dramatize the situation.

“Well,” he said pleasantly, “That was rather stupid of your Pokémon. Fine. Houndoom, use Crunch,”

"That" shouldn't be capitalized, because it's not the beginning of a new sentence. It's continuing from "Well". And there should be a period at the end, not a comma.

The girl stiffened, and sunk into a battle stance as if she had been attacked by Houndoom all of her life. She probably had.

I would remove the "She probably had." part entirely. You are writing in third person, not first. Using unsure words like "probably" or or "maybe" make you, as the writer, unsure of what you are trying to say. And that's bad.

“Now, my dear girl, this is what we call a compromise. If you promise to come back to the base with me quietly, the boy escapes with his life. Now if you don’t…” his voice trailed off, but his Houndoom growled and tightened its grip on Kyle’s shirt. Kyle’s eye’s widened with fear.

"his voice trailed off" isn't a speech tag, so "his" should be capitalized.

She was about to finish him off a handcuff him with the manacles lying on the ground beside her when a small object on the man’s chest glowed with a pale yellow light.

I think you meant "and handcuff him". Doesn't make sense otherwise.

“He saved your life, he is too far away by now, and your Chikorita is in no shape for a pursuit like that,” she said coldly. “I will not let you follow him. If your Chikorita does not make it to a Pokémon Center soon, you will lose every ounce of trust that she has in you. I won’t let you follow that boy,” she said, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Not only is your description good, but so is your dialogue. The girl's personality really shows through here with the tone of voice you gave her.

---

Okay, now that that's over, I would like to say that I like your description. It's not too much, and it's not too little, and you don't make it list-like. You include it during actual actions where it matters (such as Kyle brushing his blond hair when he's getting ready), which is good and makes it all more interesting and memorable. It's lacking in some areas, however... especially in Professor Elm's lab. There's no description of that at all.

Andddd I can't say much about your characters yet except that I'm really interested to see what their backstories are and how their past actions will effect them, but I know that some parts seem unrealistic and it doesn't look like you thought them through enough. Every action matters and tells something about the characters. Just ask yourself if your characters would really do these things, what the action says about them, and decide whether or not you should really include that action.

Also, the scene breaks (***) aren't... needed. I know it's to switch point of view, but you can just call it third person omniscient and call it a day. Unless you're trying to create some other effect with them? I'm not entirely sure...

This has nothing to do with the story itself, but maybe the reason you're not getting very many reviews is because you're updating too often. I mean, it's good to have things written and it's all right to want to post them... but this review took me over an hour, including the time to read. I, for one, am probably going to be behind for a while if you keep it up. I don't know. I think one a week or once every two weeks is pretty decent. It will give readers more time to absorb and reflect on what you wrote and such. But, of course, it's entirely up to you If you're worried about people not seeing it because it's on page 2, I believe there's a thread where people post saying "PM me and I'll review your fic" or something along those lines, so maybe you can try that.

I hope you'll go back and change what I pointed out (as long as you think it should be changed, because I'm not saying that everything I said was right) because new readers, like me, could always come in and be distracted by the same things. And I hope you keep all of it in mind for future chapters.

~dp876

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

Wow.
I leave for two days because of a nasty case of Strep, and when I come back, my story has hit page three. Ouch.
Luckily, I had this chapter already written, so...

Chapter 8: Gorgeous​

Kyle ignored the feeling of dread that he felt as he rushed towards the Violet Gym. He got all the way to the door when he turned around and noticed that Chikorita was no longer on his heels, and nor was Lu. Looking onwards, he saw that Chikorita had galloped further down the road, past him, with Lu and Ri in close pursuit. Chikorita turned around, waving her leaf in the air happily and motioning for him to follow. Lu turned around and shrugged at Kyle before following Chikorita again. Sighing, Kyle followed them down the path.

Chikorita skidded to a halt in front of a large, lumpy building, slightly out of breath.

“Huh?” Kyle looked around before rifling through his bag and perusing his ever present map. “This isn’t on the map.” He said, concerned.

“It’s a tent, I think,” Lu said, closing her eyes and focusing. “It doesn’t feel solid.”

Chikorita rushed in happily.

Kyle, cursing, dashed in after it. Sighing, Lu followed. Sometimes, she wished in her mind, he could just stay calm for once…

***​

“Excuse me, sir, but what exactly is going on here?” Kyle was shocked at Lu’s polite tone, contrasting so much with her normal demeanor.

“Well,” the large, middle- aged man said jollily, “this is a Pokémon Contest!”

“A Pokémon Contest?” Kyle asked, curious.

“Unlike Pokémon Battles,” the man began, “it’s a competition for people to make their Pokémon look as beautiful as they can. Just take a look!”

In front of him, a small, pale blue cat-like Pokémon leaned its head gracefully back, creating a light blue sphere in its mouth before firing a pale blue beam upwards towards the roof of the makeshift arena. It sat on its light blue haunches, its ears tilted back, as it fired the beam skyward. Its rhombus shaped tail flicked slightly, in unison with swaying blue flaps that hung off of its ears. Darker blue rhombus shaped markings dappled its fur.

Beside it, its partner, a dark blue turtle-like creature fired a stream of bubbles towards the Ice Beam, combining the two attacks and causing a shower of pale blue sparkles to rain down on the spectators. Kyle gasped in amazement as the icy snow flakes landed around the arena.

Behind them, a teenage girl with short brown hair nodded her approval, adding, “Good job, Glaceon and Wartortle! That was gorgeous!”

Across the field, another girl faced them, calling to her Pokémon, “All right, Lapras! Now, use Ice Beam!” “Marowak, use Bubblebeam!”

A large, blue Pokémon obliged, firing a stream of ice into the air, towards a stream of blue iridescent bubbles formed by its considrably smaller companion. The bubbles froze in midair this time, before gently crashing to the ground in a tinkling explosion, sending minute shards of glittering ice outwards across the field, cloaking all four Pokémon in a glimmering light. The crowd gasped in awe.

“You see?” The man said happily. “They aren’t attacking each other in this round, but later on, you can see some attacks that are powerful and beautiful!”

Chikorita stared, enraptured, beside its trainer. Beside them, Lu leaned on a wall, her arms crossed.

“I’m sure it’s quite nice,” she muttered darkly, “All I see are hunks of cold aura floating down.
How gorgeous,” she added sarcastically.

Kyle didn’t hear her. He was staring at Lapras with a covetous look. Pulling out his Pokédex, he tried to scan it for information, but it was too far away.

Scowling, he typed the name “Lapras” into the Pokédex, which cheerfully replied, “Lapras.
Extremely intelligent, able to understand human speech. A Pokémon that has been over-hunted almost to extinction. It can ferry people over water.”

Kyle stared with awe at Lapras. It was a gorgeous Pokémon, especially silhouetted in the shimmering sparkles. It looked like it was over eight feet tall, towering over its companions. It was a gorgeous shade of deep blue, with a darker grey shell like object on its back. Kyle assumed that this was where it would carry its passengers. It also had four flippers and a long, graceful neck of the same gorgeous blue color, tinged on the underside with tan. It gazed over the proceedings from intelligent purple eyes atop a serpentine neck.

Beside him Chikorita also gazed at the arena in awe. While Kyle was staring at Lapras, Chikorita stared with reverence at the entire proceedings, its tiny hooves propped up on the railings surrounding the arena. Chikorita watched eagerly as the icy flakes touched the ground, and stared with jealousy at Lapras and its trainer. Suddenly, it pricked up slightly, apparently hearing something, and darted off towards a small flap in the tent beside them.
Lu frowned and rushed after her. Kyle, still staring at Lapras, suddenly looked up to notice Chikorita and Lu darting off again. With a last glance of longing at the gorgeous Lapras, he turned at ran after them.

***​

“What’s going on?” Kyle asked, blinking in the harsh light of the small room.

“Chi-ko!” Chikorita shrieked happily, motioning with its leaf towards a brown haired man sitting behind a small plastic table, apparently writing something down.

“Well hello!” the man said, happily. “I see that you two would like to sign up for the first Violet City Pokémon Contest!”

“Oh, no.” Lu said, horrified. “I’ll think I’ll pass. But this guy,” she paused to shove Kyle forward, who was too surprised to do anything, “is desperate to enter! I hope you’ve still got a space for him?”

Kyle glared at Lu while she smiled, pleased back.

“Really?” the man behind the plastic table asked. “Of course we’ve still got space!”

“What about the contest going on in front?” Kyle asked, now confused and rather angry.

“Oh, that’s just a publicity scheme,” the man replied, his brown eyes flashing merrily. “Sign ups for the Contest are still open if you’d like to apply!”

“Oh, no thanks,” Kyle said, nonchalant. “I just-”

“Excellent!” the man replied, bulldozing over his attempted response. “All you’ve got to do is go backstage and get ready! Now, go along now, won’t you?” He said, gesturing toward

“But-” Kyle stuttered.

“None of that, now.” The man replied, his eyes flashing dangerously now. “Just run along backstage!”

Kyle, intimidated, ran through a flap in the tent behind the man, Chikorita trailing behind.

“You too!” the man ordered Lu. Sighing, she followed Kyle through the flap.

***​

“Well, don’t you look like a cute little trainer!” Lu grinned.

Kyle winced. He was dressed in a slick black suit, borrowed from the man at the desk. Apparently, it was an unspoken rule that all competitors had to dress up in some sort of humiliating formal wear in order to compete. He had grudgingly traded in his jeans for the black slacks and jacket, and was now awaiting further instructions backstage.

The man appeared from the flap again, a pen and clipboard in hand.

“Yes, yes…” he murmured quietly, not noticing Kyle. “Commission for inviting new trainers to be Coordinators-” he looked up in shock, noticing Kyle and Lu staring at him.

He gawked and stiffened noticeably. “Erm… do you have a ball capsule?”

Kyle stopped, all shock from moments ago replaced by eagerness. “What’s that?” he asked, thoroughly distracted.

“Well,” the man said, checking to see if all he had said had been forgotten, “it is a special object you put on a Pokémon’s Pokéball. When you send it into battle, your Pokémon will enter with gorgeous effects!” he trilled, satisfied at Kyle’s expression.

“Really? Can I have one?” Kyle asked, excited.

“Sure. Just don’t mention anything you’ve heard earlier, all right?”

“Well, okay.” Kyle said. Beside him, Lu gawked.

“That applies for you as well, young lady!” the man said, indignant.

“Fine, fine,” Lu sighed. “I still can’t believe you-”

The brown haired man cut her off. “Here!” he said, shoving a clear, sphere shaped object into Kyle’s hands. “Well, would you look at the time!” he exclaimed, pushing Kyle out through yet another flap in the tent.

“It looks like it’s time for you to begin! You,” he paused, looking at Lu, “better get into the stands; we can’t allow any non-Coordinators on stage.”

He noticed Kyle standing and staring at the Seal, unsure of what to do. The man grabbed Chikorita’s Pokéball out of Kyle’s hands, recalled it, and then deftly slipped the clear seal over its Pokéball.

“Go on, now!” he shouted, still struggling to push Kyle through the tent flap.

“Just wondering,” Kyle said, confused. “What exactly am I supposed to do?”

“No time for that!” the man replied hastily. “Just go on and do as your heart tells you!”

Lu snorted in disbelief, and then walked quickly away. Kyle stared after her, and then walked towards the door leading to stage, his anticipation growing with every step.

As he walked, he pondered the single question that had been bothering him for a while.

What in the world is an appeal?

***​

 

[diamondpearl876]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

I was waiting to review chapter 2 until you replied so that I wouldn't have to double post, and then I realized... you replied a long time ago on the previous post. o___o Oops? Sorry for the wait. XD

Kyle wordlessly handed over the Pokéball containing Chikorita to the Nurse Joy on duty at the Cherrygrove Pokémon Center. He slumped down on one of the nearby chairs, mulling over the events of the day. He looked up to see the girl, chatting happily to Nurse Joy, and then handing over her Riolu for some healing. The girl was about as tall as Kyle, maybe taller, and her gently curving figure was accented by her dark blue shirt and jeans. She had long, luscious, black hair that hung in a braid down her back to her waist. Her heart shaped face was pale and appeared soft, but there was also a hidden wariness to it, as if the girl was always expecting an attack. She was pretty, Kyle decided, but not beautiful. She turned back to face him, and Kyle noticed something that he hadn’t seen before. Her eyes. Instead of the bright, vibrant eyes Kyle had imagined, they were a haunting milky blue, dull, and reflective.
“Are… are you blind?” Kyle asked, shocked that he hadn’t realized this than before.

You use Kyle's name an awful lot here, and apparently, for no reason. You can replace most of the "Kyle"s with "he" without confusing anyone, since no other male characters are present at the time. And you forgot the space between the paragraphs.
On a much different note, I was not expecting her to be blind. A very interesting twist right there. I like it a lot.

I’m planning on collecting the Eight Badges of Johto,” replied Kyle energetically, all hostility forgotten.

Lol, Kyle's just all sorts of adorable when it comes to talking about his journey.
Though I don't know why "Eight Badges" is capitalized. o_o

A girl sprinted out of a large, non- descript, white building. She looked a lot like Lu, but much younger, perhaps seven or eight years old.

It's a little misleading, at least to me, to say "She looked a lot like Lu" when she really is Lu. Does that make sense? x_x I think it'd be better as "She looked a lot like her older self..."
Unless you're trying to make the readers guess whether or not it's her, though if that's the case, you make it too obvious.

“I’m blind now,” replied Lu. She cringed as she said it, as if those two words made her condition final. “I need your help.”

I like that you explain how she can see first before you explain how she became blind in the first place. Still leaves some mystery to her, which seems very important to her character.

“I know,” replied Lu quietly, cutting of Lucario with regret.

"off"

“Thank you, Lucario.”
To begin, we must first…

Forgot the space.

“So, when I first woke up blind, I was confused and scared. I was seven,” she retorted, noticing Kyle’s appraising snort.

Seems that Kyle's really... childish. And naive. It really shows here, because why else would he laugh at someone being scared when waking up blind? x_x I can't wait for reality to slap him in the face. aka I can't wait for character delevopment for him.

Telepathic powers? Could you-”

“No.” Lu cut him off abruptly.

The last sentence here isn't really needed. It's redundant because the dash after "Could you" already indicates that she cut him off abruptly.

“Oh,” said Kyle, slightly disappointed. “I just thought that maybe you could, you know…” he trailed off again. “Why not?”

"he" should be capitalized, because it's not a speech tag like "he said" or something. It's a sentence that stands by itself.

“No.” Lu cut him off abruptly.

“Oh,” said Kyle, slightly disappointed. “I just thought that maybe you could, you know…” he trailed off again. “Why not?”


***

“No.”

I like the "No" parallelism you had going on here. It was also a good transition between the present and the flashback.

A group of men surrounded Lu. One, in the front, seemed to be the leader and appeared to be pleading with her.
“Aren’t you even going to consider my request?” he asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

I don't like the "seemed to be" or the "appeared to be" here. Because you are writing in third person, phrases like that make you, as the writer, look unsure of yourself and what you're trying to write. Which is bad. You do tihs a lot throughout the entire flashback, too... and you forgot the paragraph spacing. =o

“Oh good,” the man said pleasantly. “I see you’ve already met.” Well, this changes a lot, doesn’t it?”

There's a misplaced quotation mark in the middle.

his voice trailed off threateningly, and the Houndour growled.

"his" should be capitalized for reasons mentioned before~

“Please”

I don’t understand.
“Please! You know what will happen if you don’t. You’ve got to Lucario! Please…” Lu’s voice faded off as she noticed her friend’s breathing growing fainter, her aura fading.

forgot the period and spaces
comma after "to" as well
---
Anyway, there were other spacing errors near the end. Not a big deal.

This chapter was mostly just setting up the characters' personalities, which you did well--even with Kyle, who had no flashbacks at all. You did well with setting up a suspenseful and mysterious tone throughout the chapter as well. And usually, a large number of flashbacks ruin the flow of a story, but it didn't here... I think that has to do with how well you transitioned in and out of them. So, yeah. Overall, it wasn't that eventful, but we learned some interesting and awesome things about the characters.

 

[alster08]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

Wow these are large chapters. Evryting has been said. Keep up the good work.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

I was waiting to review chapter 2 until you replied so that I wouldn't have to double post, and then I realized... you replied a long time ago on the previous post. o___o Oops? Sorry for the wait. XD

This chapter was mostly just setting up the characters' personalities, which you did well--even with Kyle, who had no flashbacks at all. You did well with setting up a suspenseful and mysterious tone throughout the chapter as well. And usually, a large number of flashbacks ruin the flow of a story, but it didn't here... I think that has to do with how well you transitioned in and out of them. So, yeah. Overall, it wasn't that eventful, but we learned some interesting and awesome things about the characters.

Thanks for the review here. Thankfully, you pointed out some of the stupid things I did. ("You've got to Lucario!... Do the Lucario!" and "Cutting of Lucario"... emo much?)

Anyways, chapter 9. Sorry, but it's going to stay unnamed for now until I can think of a good title (hint: it's a short splice from the original chapter 5, so I'll get a title up ASAP)

Chapter 9


***​

“Welcome to the first Violet City Pokémon Contest!” A woman’s excited voice boomed over a loudspeaker.

“We’d like to apologize for the arena we’ve got here,” she paused, and Kyle noticed a red haired woman standing in the middle of the stage, speaking into a microphone. She continued, “But it’s the best temporary arena we could find, seeing as Violet City doesn’t have a Contest Hall. Regardless,” she paused again, looking at the crowd, “we’d like to welcome you and wish luck to any and all aspiring Coordinators!”

“Now,” she continued with a grand gesture of her hands, “let the Appeal Rounds begin!”

***​

The red haired woman walked off of the stage, her short red curls bouncing with every step. Kyle stared at her, unsure of what to do. He was about to turn around when a voice hissed in his ear.

“The Appeal Round is the first round of a contest. There are no battles, but it’s still the most important part. All you’ve got to do is use combinations of moves to show off your Pokémon. If you win, you can advance to the next round.”
Kyle turned around, shocked, to see the girl from earlier with the Glaceon and Wartortle. She looked at Kyle, her deep blue eyes shining.

“Who are you?” Kyle asked, shocked.

“Me?” the girl didn’t respond immediately. “I was in the Grand Festival a couple of years back, so they invited me to come and get some publicity for the Contest. I won’t be competing, though. You looked a bit confused, so…” she trailed off.

Kyle stared blankly at her, about to ask her what a “Grand Festival” was, before she nudged him forwards.

“Go on! You’ll do fine!” she said, the green bandanna perched precariously on her head bouncing on her brown hair as she struggled to push him out to the stage.
“All you’ve got to do is,” she paused and hissed a few inaudible words into his ear before pushing him out of the door and running offstage again.

Kyle grimaced before walking to the edge of the stage, his legs like lead. Looking around, he saw hundreds of people in the stands around him, staring at him. In front of him, he noticed a table with three people behind it. He recognized Nurse Joy from the Pokémon Center, but he couldn’t recognize the other two people.

Unsure of what to do, he pulled Chikorita’s Pokéball off of his belt. “Come on Chikorita! Let’s show them what we’ve got!” he cried.

Chikorita burst out of its Pokéball. However, unlike previous times, Chikorita did not appear in a flash of white light, but this time made a different entrance. A swirl of cherry blossoms burst from the Pokéball, twisting gracefully in a spiral, revealing Chikorita in the center, its leaf covering its eyes. As the final cherry blossoms hit the ground, Chikorita straightened, leaping dramatically into the air and landing gracefully on the ground, ready.

At least it loves the stage, Kyle thought bitterly. He vowed to never enter another one of these things for as long as he lived.

Chikorita and the judges looked at him, and Kyle realized with a start that he should do something. He started to sweat profusely and was about to run off the stage when Chikorita suddenly leapt into the air, moving its leaf gracefully back and forth as it prepared a barrage of Razor Leaves.

Kyle could have cried right there. He didn’t really know how Contests worked, but he was pretty sure that he was the one supposed to be giving the orders.

Meanwhile, Chikorita tilted its head around as it spun in midair, and a barrage of pointed leaves rushed out in a spiral around Chikorita, creating a whirling vortex of green. Then, it leapt into the air again, this time spinning in the opposite direction, adding more leaves into the funnel of green. Each leaf hit another leaf going in the opposite direction until each one seemed to shatter into thousands of smaller leaf fragments, creating pale green sparkles that hovered in the air. It looked very similar to the appeal that the Wartortle and Glaceon had done earlier, Kyle realized, and, looking at his tiny Leaf Pokemon, he realized that it wanted to be just like them.

Chikorita landed on the ground, pleased, while Kyle tried not to fall to the ground in horror.

To his surprise, the announcer shouted, “That was some brilliant work! Chikorita read its trainer’s mind and they communicated telepathically to get the job done! The sparkle appeal was a beautiful final touch!”

Kyle gawked. What had really been a terrible mess up had been interpreted as done on purpose! How could they have actually believed that? Regardless, he tried to act as if he had planned the whole thing out as he walked backstage with Chikorita, the applause ringing in his ears.

***​

Backstage, he met up with Lu, who had not gone to the stands but was staring listlessly at a television nearby.

“Why didn’t you watch my performance?” Kyle asked, slightly abashed. “Don’t tell me, you watched it on the television instead of live?”

“I can’t watch it on the television,” she said, looking at him with her blind eyes. Kyle winced as he realized his mistake again.

Noticing what had happened, Lu added quickly, “But it was very nice. Having two funnels in opposite directions was a nice touch,” she added, looking at Chikorita.
“You must have been thinking about that one for a while,” she said, smiling sarcastically at Kyle.

Kyle balked, but understood what she was trying to say. He picked up Chikorita from beside him and looked it right in the eyes.

“Thanks, buddy,” he said, staring into its intelligent brown eyes. He was about to elaborate when a sudden noise from behind him made him turn around.

“We will now announce the contestants who will advance from the Appeal Round!” the announcer’s voice rang out from the small television behind him. Eight rectangles appeared on the screen, which began to flip over one by one.

He watched in horror as he saw the final one flip over.

“What is it?” Lu asked tersely. "I can't see them!"

Kyle winced. “I’ve… made it into the next round.”

He was really growing to hate this stuff.

***​

End of Chapter 9

This one is slightly shorter, but I had to end it there or risk making it too long by including the next round.

My apologies for the lack of creativity on the appeal. Pretty sparkling leaves... I could have had Chikorita learn Petal Dance on the spot, but seeing as it had just learned Razor Leaf, that seemed too rushed. Plus, Kyle was just shoved into a Contest, it's not like he's been planning an appeal for years; nor have I.

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

I know I said I would post the chapter last night, but I couldn't get the server to work. Or this morning. Or in the afternoon. So, posting Chapter 10 a day late. Sorry about that.

Oh, and we hit page 2. In a good way. This fic now has multiple pages!

Chapter 10: Glamour
​

Kyle gawked for a moment as he saw the final gray rectangle flip over on the screen, revealing a picture of his face, staring awkwardly at the camera. He scowled at the screen, unsure as to where they had gotten that picture. He looked uneasily at Lu, trying to see if she had noticed it, but then remembered she couldn’t see. He winced as he remembered his mistake yet again, but then focused on the larger problem: the Contest. He had been hoping to get out of the Contest early and continue on with his conquest of the Violet City Gym, but now that he thought about it, he wasn’t so sure. He glanced back at Chikorita, who obviously loved the glamorous appeals of Contests, and when he thought about it himself…

“We will now prepare for the second round!” a woman’s voice cut into his reverie. “Remaining Coordinators, please gather in the backstage area before we begin our continuation of the Contest.”

Kyle looked around, trying to find the backstage area.

Lu rose to her feet from her spot in the corner. “I guess that’s my cue, then. I’ll be upstairs.” She vanished through the flap in the tent behind Kyle, her footsteps barely making a sound as she padded up the ramp. “Good luck, idiot,” she called through the flap.

Kyle turned bright red. He wasn’t sure why that bothered him, but before he could think about it any more, bright voices and giggles from behind him cut of his thoughts, yet again. He turned around, annoyed, to see a pair of Coordinators saunter happily into the backstage.

“Nice work, Veronica,” one of them said fawningly to the girl next to her. Kyle stared at the girl speaking. She had short, dirty blond hair pulled back into a pair of haphazard ponytails that barely reached the base of her neck. Her pale green eyes were hidden behind a pair of large, thick, black glasses. She looked at the girl beside her, Veronica, with a tentative look, as if trying to please her with every move.

“It was nothing,” the girl, Veronica, said airily. “It was only a matter of bribing that idiot at the table to put me with some stupid beginner Coordinator. I just got lucky!” She laughed, her bright pink nails flashing as she threw her hands in the air. “I mean, seriously. The guy I battle first is some idiot who didn’t even know what an appeal was! He just sat around and his Chikorita used a couple of Razor Leaf attacks. I can’t believe he even stumbled through the Appeals like that!”

Kyle grimaced. They were describing him, no doubt. He silently slid into a corner, trying to listen to the conversation without being seen. He glanced downward for a moment as the blond haired girl’s gaze slid over him for a moment, but she looked away and smiled at Veronica, who continued to speak.

“You see, the real beauty of this was where we put you.” Veronica paused, pointing a finger at the Coordinator next to her. Her companion blanched, and looked around the room, trying to see if she was talking about anyone else. Kyle shrunk further back into his corner, but Veronica’s back was to him.

“Yes, you, Ashley,” Veronica snapped. “You’re at the opposite end of the bracket than me. With your mediocre skills,” she paused, glancing at Ashley, “you can easily clear out half of the opposition for me, and then you’ll let me win in the Finals, right?” she glared at Ashley again.

“Right?” She growled menacingly.

Ashley looked at her feet, her blonde hair hiding her face. “It would be an honor to lose to you in the finals,” she murmured, shifting restlessly on her feet.

“It will be an honor to completely and utterly destroy you in the finals too,” Veronica added icily. Kyle stuck his head out slightly to get a better view of the two. Ashley was still looking down with her head bent, but Veronica was examining the room around her. She hadn’t turned around all the way yet, so she hadn’t noticed Kyle, but she was looking suspiciously around the room.

“That’s strange. There are no other Coordinators here. This is the right place, isn’t it, Ashley?” Veronica asked venomously. Ashley muttered something under her breath.

“I can’t hear you, Ashley,” Veronica said, angrily, her brown eyes flashing. Ashley mumbled something again, and Veronica stiffened.

“I’m going upstairs to check. Ashley, stay here,” she commanded. And with that, she stalked off, her bright red ponytail swishing on her back as she did.

Ashley looked up at her for a moment and then stopped, the hope fading from her eyes rapidly. Sighing, she brushed the dirty-blonde hair out of her eyes and prepared to sit down.

“You don’t have to listen to her, you know,” Kyle said casually, ignoring the sense of general uneasiness that he felt as he stepped out of his hiding spot in the corner.

The girl spun around, shocked, her mouth forming a surprised ‘O’. She registered Kyle’s sudden appearance with a grim nod.

“I saw you earlier,” she said. She wasn’t sure what else to say. “Why were you hiding behind a cabinet?”

Kyle looked back. He hadn’t realized it before, but he had darted behind a large, brown cabinet for cover. He smiled, and then replied, “Don’t worry,” he said, remembering a grassy route and a Houndoom, “I’ve hidden in worse places before.”

There was a silence in the tent, filling the small room.

“Maybe,” Kyle suggested tentatively, after a few minutes had passed and Veronica had not returned, “we’re in the wrong place… and we should try to find the rest of the coordinators?”

Ashley looked around. “I don’t know,” she said, looking around. “Veronica told me to stay put.”

“Do you really have to listen to her?” Kyle asked, shocked.

Ashley nodded slightly before Kyle walked forward and grabbed her wrist, dragging her out the door.

He winced slightly. He was starting to act Lu, he realized.

That was never a good thing.

***​

“Oh, so you made it, Ashley,” a familiar voice sounded from in front of them. They had searched around for the other backstage and had found it at the opposite end of the stage. They burst through the flap when Veronica confronted them again, her brown eyes furious.

“Get over here,” she drawled, pulling Ashley out of Kyle’s grip. “You nearly ruined our plan! Why do you have to be so careless?” she continued on furiously, making frantic hand motions as she did so. Ashley tried to stutter a response, but Veronica quickly silenced her. “Shut up, Ashley.”

“Oh, now that we’re all here,” a cheery voice smoothed over Veronica’s rant. Kyle looked up to see the announcer from before attempting to glaze over the argument. She looked appraisingly at Kyle, who tried to shrink. “Oh, don’t be stupid,” she said, looking at Kyle. “It wasn’t like we were going to start with a quarter of our Coordinators gone. Anyways, we need to get started now, though, so it’s a good thing you two showed up. Oh, you missed the rules and such, but you two look like you already know what’s going on, so let’s just get going!” Kyle attempted to stop her, but it was too late.

“Oh, and you’re up.” She said as she passed Kyle. “You’ll be competing with this young lady here,” she said, gesturing to Veronica. “Go on, now.”

Veronica walked past him with maddening superiority, her brown eyes glaring down at Kyle.

“This should be fun,” he muttered.

***​

“The first match of the Contest is going to be between Coordinators Veronica and Kyle.” The announcer exclaimed. She gestured her hands grandly above her, showing a large screen at the center of the field. There was a large timer on it, displaying five minutes. Before Kyle’s eyes, the timer started ticking.

Veronica sent out her Pokémon first. “Go, Sneasel!” she cried, throwing a Pokéball into a gracefull arc into the air.

A large column of yellow stars appeared to fall from the sky, hitting the Pokéball as it fell towards the earth. The Pokéball burst open, and the starts scattered upwards, turning blue as they skittered to a halt around the edges of the field.

In front of Veronica, a small, blue- black Pokémon burst confidently from the center of the star storm, eagerly flicking its white claws out to extend them. It leapt easily into the air, landing on its white front paws before flipping back onto its feet again. It had a bright red, feather like object protruding from its head. Kyle grinned as he looked at Veronica, standing confidently behind her choice. She wore her bright red hair in a ponytail on the side of her head in the exact same way as Sneasel did, he noticed.

“All right, Chikorita!” He shouted, hoping this battle wouldn’t end as badly as his battle with Falkner did. “Let’s show them what we’ve got!”

He tossed his Pokéball to the ground, and it burst open in a flash of white light, followed by the bright appearance of pink flower petals that whirled around Chikorita, who leapt dramatically onto the battle field, eager for the battle to begin.

“Erm…” he wasn’t sure how this worked. He noticed Veronica smirking at him with maddening superiority, and, unsure of what else to do, shouted, “Chikorita, use Razor Leaf!”

“We’ve seen that deal already,” Veronica said icily. “Sneasel, show the kind judges here an Icy Wind,” she drawled, gesturing to the table of three judges by the field, between her and Kyle. Kyle recognized Nurse Joy, but he couldn’t tell who the other two people were. One of them appeared to be a balding man who looked extremely happy, but…

He forced himself to look back to the battle. He had to stay focused, or else he would end up making the same mistakes he had made in the battle for the Zephyr Badge.

Sneasel opened its mouth and inhaled, puffing up as it did so. Chikorita leaned its head back, preparing to send a volley of leaves towards Sneasel.

“Chikorita.” He hissed the command quietly so that Veronica couldn’t here. “I don’t like this. Do that spinning thing you did in the Appeal Round, just don’t make the leaves explode, all right?”

Chikorita barely nodded, acting as if nothing had happened. Looking slightly to its left, it launched a stream of leaves over its shoulder, sending them spinning around it in a cone. Across the field, Sneasel exhaled, gently releasing a shimmering, glittering blue breeze towards Chikorita, filled with tiny sparkles of snow flakes. Chikorita balked a bit at the barrage of cold wind about to hit it, but the funnel of leaves around it acted as a shield, absorbing the snow particles for it. The particles of ice froze around the spinning leaves, causing them to gradually slow down, almost to a halt.

In between Veronica and Kyle, the large screen showed images of both Coordinators above a large yellow circle, hollowed out in the middle. Even as Kyle watched, a small part of Veronica’s circle inched away. Veronica scowled.

“It looks like Veronica and Sneasel are losing points!” The announcer cried dramatically. Kyle wasn’t sure what she meant, but it looked like it was good for him.

“All right, Chikorita!” Kyle cried energetically, encouraged by his lead. “Now, use Razor Leaf again on Sneasel, but use the leaves around you this time, okay?”

Chikorita didn’t reply, but, frowning in concentration, it dipped its head back, preparing for its attack.

“Sneasel, stop that green runt in its tracks with a Quick Attack!” Veronica shouted. Sneasel nodded, and zipped across the field, appearing in front of Chikorita. Shocked, Chikorita looked to its left to see Sneasel beside it before Sneasel rammed its shoulder into Chikorita, knocking Chikorita over. The Leaf Pokémon rolled over a few times before skidding to a halt, motionless on its side, while Sneasel crossed its arms and grinned smugly. The icy leaves fell to the ground, one by one.

Kyle looked up to see his points depleting by nearly a half. He winced. That couldn’t be good. He glanced over at Chikorita, a prone figure lying on the ground. That couldn’t be good either.

“Chikorita?” he called out tentatively. “You’ve got to get up, Chikorita.”

There was no movement from the tiny green Pokémon.

“Giving up so soon, are we?” Veronica asked rhetorically. “Well, we can help you guys out. Sneasel, finish it up an Ice Punch!”

Sneasel nodded and brought back its pale white fist. A swirling nebulous of icy energy formed around Sneasel’s claws, forming a huge, pale blue sphere of energy around Sneasel’s fist. It charged towards Chikorita, roaring angrily.

“Chikorita?” Kyle asked. This wasn’t a good sign. He was pretty sure that if his Pokémon fainted, he would lose the Battle Round, and Sneasel was only a few feet away, preparing an attack that could finish off Chikorita.

As Kyle stared in horror, it was coming closer, its red feathers trailing slightly behind it. Chikorita stirred slightly on the ground, its leaf twitching, but its eyes remained closed.

“Chikorita!” he shouted.

Suddenly, a single, amber eye shot open. Chikorita leapt to its feet, twirling its leaf defiantly. Around Chikorita, all of the frozen leaves rose simultaneously, hitting Sneasel like a rain of arrows. Sneasel tried to cover its face with one of its black arms, but it was to no avail. It was pelted by a barrage of pointed leaves incased in ice, and eventually its lithe little body couldn’t take it any longer. It flew backwards, running into one of the pale purple walls encasing the Pokémon arena.

Veronica’s points decreased by more than half as well.

Shocked, Veronica screamed at Sneasel, “Get up, you useless little piece of trash! Beaten by some no good loser with a Chikorita that you had a type advantage against? I don’t think so! Get up, you lazy, stupid, insolent-”

She paused, realizing that the eyes of the entire arena were focused on her. She also noticed her points depleting after her tirade. There was a shocked silence, before Veronica said, her voice shaking, “I withdraw from this contest.” She quickly recalled Sneasel into its Pokéball and ran off the stage in tears.

There was another awkward silence, and then the announcer shouted cheerily, “Kyle and Chikorita are the winners!”

Kyle looked around, confused, as an enlarged image of Chikorita and Kyle appeared on the large screen.

***​

Kyle retreated to the back stage while the rest of the Coordinators began their battle rounds. He watched, interested, as the Coordinators battled each other one by one. He recognized Ashley defeat her challenger, followed by two more battles.

After her battle was over, Ashley joined him in the backstage area.

“Hey, congratulations on your battle!” Kyle said.

She looked crestfallen. “Well,” she replied, “I’m not sure what to do now. Since Veronica’s not in the competition, what’s the point of my competing? Should I just lose now and go find her? Yes, I think I’ll just lose now and…”

“You can’t do that!” Kyle said, confused. “You’ve spent so much time getting this far, it would be cheating yourself if you just gave up now!”

“Well, yes,” she replied, tentatively, “but Veronica could come in here any moment and force me to leave, so I may as well just leave now.”

“No.” A different voice echoed in the room now. Ashley and Kyle looked up, surprised, to see Lu standing in the doorway, her arms folded across her chest.

“But…” Ashley tried to murmur and excuse.

“No.” Lu repeated, striding across the room towards her. “If you don’t fight hard, your Pokémon will pay the price. You don’t want that to happen, do you?”

Ashley stuttered, “Well, I don’t really, but-”

“So then you aren’t going to let her mess this up, right?” Lu’s voice had an edge of compassion in it, and she put an arm on Ashley’s shoulder. Kyle was shocked. He had never seen Lu act like this; it was shocking to see her change so rapidly from her normal persona.

“But Veronica might-”

“Did someone say my name?” Another person appeared in the doorway. It was Veronica, hands on her hips, her brown eyes slightly red, and her bright red hair slightly disheveled.

"Ashley," she spat, looking at the her companion. "I'll be dealing with you later."

She approached Kyle airily. “You know,” she said, coming closer, “you did pretty well out there, even if you did beat me just by mistake. Maybe later, we could-”

Lu slapped her across the face. Veronica stood there for a moment, clutching her injured cheek, while Lu seemed to tower above her. She glared at Lu for a moment, while Lu didn’t seem to notice. She was blind, Kyle remembered. Regardless, Lu returned Veronica’s look with an equally deadly glare, and there was a stalemate until Veronica suddenly shrieked in frustration and stormed out of the room.

Lu turned around. “As I was going to say,” she said, her hostility slowly evaporating, “I think I can take care of Veronica for you. Oh, and Kyle, the announcer is calling your name. Your battle’s starting.”

Kyle’s eyes quickly darted to the television screen, and the announcer on the screen confirmed Lu’s statement. He glanced back at Ashley, trying to make sure she was all right, but Lu shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “I’ve got this covered. Go ahead.”

Kyle nodded, and prepared to walk onto the stage.

“Oh, and Kyle?” A voice stopped him quickly. Kyle turned around to see Lu looking at him. “Good luck.”

Kyle nodded, and then walked onto the stage. He didn’t even bother looking around nervously this time, but he just strode confidently to his end of the arena, his black suit shining.

He pulled his only Pokéball from his belt, shouting “All right, Chikorita! It’s our time now!”

***​

 

[Lurking]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 5 Up)

Wow these are large chapters. Evryting has been said. Keep up the good work.

Thanks. Also, these chapters aren't very long in comparison to some others on the site; they're only five to six pages in Word. If you want long, "Travels of the Trifecta" by Shinneth, comes to mind. I'll try to shorten them a bit, though.

As a random note, I decided to run Lu and Kyle through a pair "Mary Sue Litmus Test"s (just Google it) to see how cliche they were. In essence, the lower the score, the less Mary Sueish your character is. The first one that was on Google has a limit where your character starts being a Mary Sue around a score of 16, and Lu squeaked through with a 15. The second one had a score of 10 before you began showing Mary Sue tendencies, and Lu got through with a 9. I didn't even rig it or anything, but it was pretty funny. Kyle ran through with: -4 and -1. That's a big red flag that he needs more character development, in my opinion, but I love how he got negative scores. (However, said test is not final. I ran Ash Ketchum (anime/movie) as a trial, and he got a 65+ on the first one, where the suggestion was that scores of 50+ are so Mary-Sueish that the character should be scrapped and redone entirely as no one will like it. )

Also, I've had this brilliant idea to write the story in word, single spaced (I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier), with the correct paragraphing instead of writing it all double spaced in Word, transferring it over, and re-paragraphing it from there. Hopefully, that should cut down on any paragraphing errors.

Anyways, enter Chapter 7, the end of the three part Contest arc (thankfully; I've hated these things, especially writing appeals where the only moves I can use are Tackle and Razor Leaf, and possibly Growl)

Enjoy!

***

Chapter 11: Sandy

***​

Chikorita appeared in a flash of white light, followed by the whirling vortex of cherry blossoms. It touched down gracefully on the ground, ready to battle.

He noticed a Coordinator from before approach the arena, a Pokéball already in his hand. He walked quietly up to his end of the battle field, calmly surveying Kyle and his Pokémon with dark brown eyes. Upon noticing Chikorita standing in front of Kyle, determined, the boy winced slightly before summoning his Pokémon from the Pokéball in his pale hand. He gently tossed it into the air, and the Pokéball burst open in a flash of white light, followed by a large stream of pale blue bubbles. The bubbles hung in the air for a moment, shimmering, before they burst in a shower of sparkles, revealing a blue Pokémon leaping happily out of the sparkling blue mist.

“Wooper!” It cried happily, its dark antennae moving around as it bounced joyfully up and down on its stubby legs. As its bouncing subsided, Kyle noticed its large smile, which seemed to take up its entire blue, slightly squashed looking face. It still looked around, elated at the crowd and bright lights of the stage, its smile still huge, when the boy called out to his Pokémon in a loud voice.

“All right, Wooper! Start this round off with a Water Gun!” the boy’s voice was surprisingly loud, despite his calm demeanor.

Wooper nodded, its smile vanishing quickly, as it leapt forward, a look of grim determination now plastered firmly on its face. It leaned its head back slightly before releasing a torrent of pale blue water. Kyle prepared to shout for Chikorita to counter with Razor Leaf when he noticed the direction of Wooper’s attack. The stream of water hit the ground right in front of Wooper, launching it high into the air.

Kyle stared in shock as he watched the tiny blue Pokémon rocket skyward before calling out to Chikorita, “Show them a Razor Leaf, but aim it for the ground as well!” He wasn’t exactly sure what he was planning, but he was pretty sure that his opponent had a few tricks to counter Razor Leaf. Chikorita didn’t show its confusion but nodded before tilting its head back, preparing to send a barrage of Razor Leaves on the ground. The pointed green leaves pummeled into the ground a few feet in front of Chikorita, knocking up a cloud of sand, cloaking Chikorita from Wooper’s sight.

Kyle’s points decreased a bit after this, and he realized in horror that he had hidden Chikorita from the judge’s view.

“An interesting choice,” the boy mused across from Kyle, “So we can’t see your Chikorita now, can we? Wooper, use your height as an advantage and use Earthquake!”

Wooper nodded and shot towards the ground from its position above the arena, positioning its feet in a way that put them closest to the sandy battle field. It hit the ground, feet first, sending pulses of seismic energy towards the cloud of dust that cloaked Chikorita. The ground began to rumble from the force of the attack, and undulating waves of earth began to ripple from the point where Wooper had landed moments earlier.

Kyle stared at Chikorita, unsure of what to do but thinking fast. If Chikorita stayed where it was, it would get hit in a few seconds with what looked like an extremely powerful attack. He wasn’t sure where Chikorita could go, he realized, surveying the quickly moving wave of earth. The only spot that was safe, he decided, was-

“Chikorita! Run quickly to where Wooper is and Tackle it!” he shouted frantically.

Chikorita looked doubtfully at the seismic pulses of energy coming towards it before it began to gallop towards Wooper, gracefully leaping over the waves of seismic energy. It rammed into Wooper with the full momentum, knocking the Water Fish Pokémon off of its feet and sending it skidding to a halt on the ground nearly twenty feet away. It looked up, surprised, before being hit by its own Earthquake at full force. Kyle craned his head and saw Chikorita standing, rather pleased, at the spot where Wooper had been standing only moments before. A small depression had formed where Wooper had landed as it used Earthquake, protecting Chikorita from the pulses of seismic energy.

“And Chikorita pulls off a brilliant dodging maneuver that protected it from Earthquake and caused Wooper to get hit by its own attack. Brillant!” The announcer cried on her microphone.

As he watched, his opponent’s points decreased by nearly a quarter, slightly lower than Kyle’s own points.

Kyle was shocked that his plan had worked. It had seemed so insane and nonsensical, and he realized that there had been so many ways that his plan could have gone wrong, but it had worked.

He was still basking in his success when his opponent cried from across the field, “An interesting strategy. Well, try to dodge this one, if you can. Wooper, give them an Ice Punch!”

Wooper instantly leapt to its feet, determined, and began to rush towards Chikorita on its stubby blue legs. Somehow, a crackling bright blue nebulous of icy energy formed around Wooper’s side, despite its lack of arms. Kyle frowned, looking at Wooper, confused, as it rushed towards Chikorita, somehow using an Ice Punch despite having no arms. It was strange, he thought, that the tiny Water Fish Pokémon could be so happy even though it lacked vital limbs. He was still pondering this strange occurrence when he realized that Wooper was only a few feet away from Chikorita.

“Chikorita! Use Razor Leaf!” he cried reflexively. Chikorita nodded, its eyes wide in fear, as it frantically tilted its head back, scything the leaf on its head back and forth to send a barrage of pointed leaves at Wooper. Wooper didn’t even have time to react as the sharp, green leaves slashed at it, sending it flying backwards. The icy blue energy faded from around its side as it collapsed to the ground, unable to continue.

There was a pause in the arena, followed by silence. Then, the announcer broke through the silence, shouting, “Wooper is unable to battle. Chikorita and Kyle advance to the next round!”

The same picture of Kyle appeared on the large screen, aside a picture of Chikorita. Kyle grinned as he realized what had happened, and he glanced over to see his former opponent approaching him.

“Nice job,” the boy said, his brown hair shining as he extended a pale hand to Kyle. “I’m David.”

Kyle grinned, glad to have met a friendly coordinator. “I’m Kyle,” he replied.

“That was a really cool move you pulled off with the Earthquake thing,” David said. “I definitely didn’t see that coming!”

I didn’t see that coming either Kyle almost said. “Oh. Thanks.” He replied. Kyle was about to say something else when the announcer’s voice cut off his thoughts.

“The final round is about to begin! Will the two remaining coordinators bring their Pokémon to the back for healing before the final round?” Kyle looked around and pulled a face at David before grabbing Chikorita’s Pokéball and walking to the back room.

***​

“Thank you very much,” Kyle heard a soft voice say as he approached the tent flap. He had heard that voice before, he realized. He walked quickly into the room to see Ashley standing in the middle of the room, talking to Nurse Joy.

“Ashley?” he asked, stunned.

“Oh, hi Kyle!” she said happily. She had a Pokéball in her hand, and her green eyes shined brightly behind her glasses.

“What… what are you doing here?” Kyle asked. He was so shocked at her appearance, he barely noticed Nurse Joy taking Chikorita’s Pokéball and taking it away for healing.

“Well, you and that other girl told me to try my hardest, so I decided to! Also, Veronica was taken out by the security here, so I decided that you guys were right.” Kyle looked at her and noticed genuine happiness in her pale green eyes as she said that. “So, what are you doing here?”

“I’m in the final round too,” Kyle said haltingly. He watched Ashley’s face fall.

“Oh no,” she said, shocked. “It’s okay, then, I guess. I’ll just lose on pur-”

“We aren’t going to have to go through this again, are we?” Kyle asked, horrified. “You can’t just give up like this.”

“I suppose so,” Ashley said. Her face was uncertain, though.

“You’re Pokémon is fully healed.” Nurse Joy had returned, bearing Chikorita’s Pokéball. “You two should probably head up for the final round.”

Ashley looked around uncertainly, but she smiled at Kyle and walked out of the room towards the battle arena. Kyle took one last glance at the room behind him before turning around and following after her.

***​

“All right, Chikorita, let’s show them what we’ve got!” Kyle released his Pokémon for what he hoped would be the final time of the Contest.

The Pokéball spun in the air in a graceful arc for a moment before falling back towards the ground, releasing Chikorita in a flash of white light. The swirling storm of cherry blossoms formed a vast pink vortex as Chikorita seemingly materialized in the center, landing gracefully on its front two dark green hooves before back flipping in midair to land in a battle stance in front of Kyle.

“Go, Burmy! Front and center!” Ashley said quietly. Kyle noticed that she never said anything above a speaking tone, even when summoning her Pokémon.

Ashley threw her Pokéball into the air, and it burst open at the apex of its arc in a flash of white light. A large, pink heart appeared out of the Pokéball, which suddenly shattered in a flurry of pink sparkles, replaced by a dull yellow Pokémon with a grey face.

“Burmy!” It cried. It was round, almost shaped like the egg in Kyle’s backpack, and mostly a yellow color that looked like sand, with small, grey, rock like objects imbedded in its skin. It had a grey face that showed two tiny yellow eyes, a nose, and a mouth, and a large grey spiral protruding out of its head.

“Burmy, start off the battle with a Bug Bite!” Ashley murmured quietly to her Pokémon. Burmy nodded and launched itself towards Chikorita, its tiny mouth opening slightly as it rushed forward.

“Chikorita, use Tackle!” Kyle shouted. Chikorita nodded as well before running towards Burmy, trying to gain as much momentum as possible.

The two Pokémon’s attacks collided, causing a large cloud of dust and sand to form around Chikorita and Burmy. Chikorita skidded backwards out of the dust cloud, wincing slightly and closing its red eyes in fear. Burmy hopped gently out of the cloud of sand, a large, round fruit in its mouth. It promptly devoured the fruit, appearing happier and healthier after the last vestiges of the Berry disappeared into its tiny mouth. Chikorita scowled at Burmy, while the announcer shouted joyfully, “Burmy has not only dealt damage on Chikorita with a stunning Bug Bite, but it has also taken Chikorita’s own Berry and used it to recover! That move was brilliant and stunning!”

Kyle looked up in shock at the television screen displaying his points, and watched as they decreased by a little less than a quarter. He grimaced. He didn’t even know that Chikorita was holding a Berry, but now he didn’t even get to use it.

“Chikorita! Let’s show them a Razor Leaf, all right? Aim it at Burmy!” Kyle shouted, slightly angered.

Chikorita deftly flicked its head from side to side, creating scythe like leaves around it, which hovered and spun gently in midair. Suddenly, as if of one accord, all of the leaves rushed towards Burmy as Chikorita directed its own leaf on its head towards Burmy, creating a tiny, green brigade of pointed leaves. They sped towards Burmy, and were about to hit it when suddenly-

“Burmy, use Protect, quickly.” Ashley whispered to her Pokémon.

Burmy closed its eyes and focused for a moment before its dull yellow eyes snapped open, glowing neon green. A yellowish-green light formed around its eyes, cloaking Burmy’s body before expanding into a large sphere that easily encompassed all of Burmy’s body. The Razor Leaves hit the protective shield moments later, instantly vaporizing as they made contact with the protective wall. The shield faded after a few moments, but all of the Razor Leaves had already hit the shield and vanished.

Kyle stared, shocked. Burmy had managed to deflect his attack as if it wasn’t even there, and it hadn’t even moved its round, fat body one bit. He scowled slightly, and noticed his points decrease by nearly another quarter. He had barely more than half of his points left, while Ashley’s points were still nearly full.

“All right, Burmy. Let’s show them what true power is. Use Hidden Power!” Ashley called to her Pokémon.

Burmy closed its eyes, concentrating again. Kyle stiffened, unsure of what would happen next, and especially dreading a second Protect. Instead, though, several glowing spheres formed, orbiting ominously around Burmy. The spheres suddenly glowed orange, and, as if of one accord, burst into flames. One by one, each of the flaming spheres peeled out of their orbit and rocketed towards Chikorita at a dangerously high speed.

The first sphere struck Chikorita head on, knocking it off of its feet and knocking the breath out of it. Chikorita stood up feebly and tried to dodge the second one, but ended up getting clipped on its side for its efforts. The rest of the flaming spheres hit Chikorita at the same time, knocking it into the ground and leaving a gaping crater around Chikorita’s prone form.

“Chikorita, you can do it! Just get up and use another Razor Leaf attack!” Kyle shouted encouragingly to his fallen Pokémon.

Chikorita didn’t move.

The announcer began to speak. “Chikorita is una-”

Chikorita looked wearily up at its trainer with glowing red eyes before struggling to its feet. Kyle grinned at it, and, encouraged by its trainer’s support, it leapt triumphantly to its feet, cloaked in an eerie green aura. Chikorita shrieked angrily, defying all rules that said it should stay down. Its entire body glowed pale green, and when Kyle looked into his Pokémon’s eyes, he couldn’t even recognize the gentle Pokémon that was usually there. Instead, he saw a creature that was as savage, dark, and vicious as the plants that had inhabited the world since the dawn of time. Chikorita roared, a sound that he had never though to hear from its quiet mouth, before scything its leaf back and forth, creating a huge, swirling storm of hundreds of leaves, each as sharp as a knife.

“It appears as though Chikorita has activated its ability, Overgrow!” the announcer shouted, enthralled by the occurrence. “This is a great comeback!”

Chikorita was about to fling its head forwards, sending the storm of leaves towards Burmy, when a buzzer interrupted its thoughts. Kyle looked at the scoreboard, surprised, and realized that he was out of time. He glanced sadly at Chikorita, who was still cloaked in the savage light of Overgrow. Chikorita returned his gaze, and after seeing the disappointed look in its trainer’s eyes, the neon green glow around its body faded, and it collapsed to the ground, exhausted. Kyle cradled his fallen Pokémon in his arms, Chikorita’s green leaf limply trailing out of his arms. He looked up at the screen, watching as the picture of Ashley and Burmy flashed on the screen.

“Congratulations to the winners of the Violet City Pokémon Contest, Ashley and Burmy!” the announcer cried triumphantly as Ashley timidly approached the podium. “She receives the ribbon from Violet City!” the announcer continued, holding up a purple ribbon in her hands with a flourish. The golden center twinkled in the light of the arena, and the two purple pieces of cloth that emerged from the sides looked like wings. “All Coordinators should know,” she continued, “that with just five ribbons from any contest in Johto, they are eligible for the Johto Grand Festival!” Kyle turned around, looking with interest at the announcer. “If you enjoyed this Contest,” the announcer continued, “you’ll like the other contests that we’ll have in the future, and you’ll absolutely love the Grand Festival! We would like to encourage as many aspiring Coordinators as possible to follow their dreams and soar!” The announcer finished her speech with another flourish before approaching Ashley for an interview.

Kyle glanced back at them for a moment, but, remembering the broken Chikorita in his arms, walked out of the arena to find Nurse Joy.

***​

“Hey, there,” Lu’s voice cut across Kyle’s silent daydream, involving winning the Johto Grand Festival.

“Huh? Oh, hi, Lu,” Kyle said dismally. She had found him sitting sadly in the back room while Nurse Joy was healing Chikorita.

“Why are you so sad? Do I have to go through the “Everyone loses, you’ve just got to overcome” speech again?” Lu asked, grinning. “I really don’t like that speech, so please don’t make me do it again.”

“No, I think I’m fine,” Kyle said, smiling slightly.

“You’re Chikorita is fully healed, Kyle,” said the Nurse Joy, approaching Kyle with Chikorita in her arms. He was relieved to notice that the strange green aura had faded from its body and the happy, carefree look was back in its eyes.

“Thanks, Nurse Joy.” He paused, looking into Chikorita’s deep red eyes. “You did great, Chikorita.”

“Chi…” it replied sadly.

“I know you wanted to win this as much as I did, but we’ve tried our hardest.” Kyle said, patting it gently on its head and trying to cheer it up.

“And you’ll try even harder at the next one, won’t you?” Kyle looked up, shocked, to see Ashley in the doorway, her green eyes shining.

“Next one?” Kyle asked, shocked. “I don’t think you understand. I didn’t-”

“Nonsense,” she said quietly, her smile lighting up her face. “You just gave me a huge speech on how you should never give up, so I’m not going to let you give up either.”

“But that was different!” Kyle stammered.

“Whatever you say,” Lu said sarcastically. Kyle grimaced. He couldn’t take focused fire from two sides. He looked to Chikorita for support, but he glanced down and saw it looking up at him, its red eyes pleading.

“Not you too!” he groaned. “Fine,” he growled, glaring at the three of them. “Now what?”

“I’m not the one with the map,” Lu muttered.

“I’ve got to go find Veronica,” Ashley said dismally. “But maybe, I’ll just try not to find her. Bye Kyle!” she called as she walked out of the room.

“That was sudden,” Kyle remarked, craning his neck after her. Ashley was already out of sight, though, so he turned back to Lu.

“We should probably get out of here,” Lu said. “They guys around us are already beginning to take down the tent. Where are we going next?” she asked, already beginning to walk out of the door.

“I don’t really know,” Kyle answered. “I would say the Violet City Gym, but I think we should just keep going and head on out of here. You up for it, Chikorita?”

Chikorita nodded, overjoyed.

“Well then,” Lu said, lounging by the door. “Let’s go.”

***​

I'm well aware that the part with Earthquake really doesn't make much sense; I thought it worked out all right. If it's so nonsensical that you can't read the rest of the chapter, just comment on it and I'll try to change it.

Most of the Coordinators in this chapter will not be appearing again, so wave goodbye.

I think that if I ever to a Contest again, it will be in two chapters, not three. I'm running out of patience with this (an appeal and possibly three battles isn't that much and I should probably be able to fit it into two). If that sounds like a terrible idea, please say so, because that will probably be what I will do in the event of another Contest.

Hope you liked it!

 

[Gama]

Re: Defiance (Chapter 7 Up)

I've only read the first chapter, but I'm sure I'll be able to catch up. I'm a little busy at the moment, but I've got a pretty free summer overall, so I'll be able to catch up at some point. Johto is my favourite region, so I'm looking forward to reading more from this. Also I see you intend to post every three days or so. Take it from me, it's tough but it's doable. In my opinion, the only way to post that frequently is to have a decent plan of what's going to happen through the whole of your fic, but that's just me.

Also, this chapter is SO long. Personally I like to do short and frequent chapters because that's how I like to read. I've seen lots and lots of people do long and infrequent chapters. If you can do long and frequent chapters, you're a hero, but I don't know if people will be able to keep up with it...

She was running for her life. She wasn't worried that she was running, again; the sad thing was that she was used to it. She thought that she had escaped her former life and she never would have to face up to what she had done. Apparently, she was wrong. Once again, he was chasing her, of all people. She was fast, but not fast enough to outrun the pack of four Houndoom behind her, hunting her, snapping at her feet, waiting for her to tire. The girl tensed suddenly, noticing something, and then she ducked down, grabbed the Pokémon running beside her, and rolled into the grass, just as the lead Houndoom released a jet of fire where her head had been. She rolled up in a single fluid motion, and began to run again.

Nice. I like this. Tense introduction, no discernible mistakes and it really engages me. I'm wondering what in God's name could be going on but the way you've written is obvious that you already know. Then again I said that about Lost and look how that turned out... (If I ever meet JJ Abrams, Carlton Cuse or Damon Lindelof, I honestly don't know what I'd do)

At the same time, half a mile away, a boy named Kyle stirred in his sleep before jolting out of bed. It was four in the morning, but this was a special morning. Like so many before him, he was finally going to get his first Pokémon. Staring dreamily at the poster by his bed of a small, light blue Pokemon, he paused for a moment to plan out his journey. He would start by going to Professor Elm's Lab and get a Totodile, his favorite Pokemon. Looking back at the poster, he stared at the Pokemon's large jaws and jagged pink spikes running down its back. Kyle had wanted a Totodile for as long as he could remember; he loved the way it looked and he thought knew it would be a powerhouse in battle.

Definitely like the sudden change in scene. It makes want to know more about the girl and yet it also lets us know that Kyle is going to be very relevant to the story. One issue - "he thought knew it would be a powerhouse in battle". Not sure what you mean there, some minor, unintentional error by the looks of things but you'll definitely want to clear that up.

He frantically ran a comb through his blonde hair, threw on a dark green t-shirt and blue jeans, and grabbed the waiting pack by his bed.

Personally I'd have said 'grabbed the pack waiting by his bed', makes things a little clearer. When I first read 'waiting pack by his bed' I thought 'waiting' was meant to be an adjective when I'm pretty sure, after re-reading that you intended for it to be a verb.

The girl was still sprinting...and once she tired, it would be easy work to kill her.

Not much to say about this paragraph really, which is why I shortened it. I don't have much more than compliments for this bit, which I'm aware are not really that useful. Anyway, I like the switching between the two scenes, this is particularly effective in the first chapter though where the reader typically doesn't know what's going on. (And shouldn't in my opinion, makes things much more fun!) Aldous Huxley actually does that in the opening chapter of Brave New World, which is one of my favourite books ever ever ever. HOWEVER, I'd just like to say that if you keep that up through every chapter, it'll just get a bit tiresome. I know you've written four chapters since then so either that piece of advice is too late because you've already done it or useless because you haven't. Either way, just thought I'd put it out there.

Kyle bolted to Professor Elm’s laboratory, eager to get his Pokémon and get on the road. He paused to look at the arching doorway, the dark green roof, and the door. Pausing one last moment to look at the He rushed in and skidded to a halt in front of the table. Not just any table, but the table, the very same table that he had dreamed about for all of his life. It seemed simple enough, a large, white, futuristic cylinder, but something made this table special.

There were three Pokeballs on the table, one of which contained Totodile, his starter to be.

He hovered eagerly over the table, reaching for a Pokeball, when suddenly-

“Oh! Kyle!” exclaimed a man behind him. Kyle whirled around, guiltily, to see Professor Elm, his glasses askew and his brown hair slightly rumpled. For some reason, he seemed upset, but Professor Elm continued, saying, “Welcome! There are three Pokémon on this table. One of them will be your partner for life. Have you decided which one you wanted?” His voice echoed dimly in the wooden walls of the laboratory.

Kyle wondered how the Professor could be so calm after such an important statement.

“Oh yes,” replied Kyle, his face earnest, ignoring his early feelings. He picked up the ball in the middle, the one containing his favorite Pokémon. “I choose Totodile!” he shouted exuberantly, pushing the button on the front to release it. To his surprise, nothing happened.

Professor Elm scowled darkly at Kyle. Kyle froze, abashed, frantically pushing the button, trying to rectify his mistake.

Professor Elm seemed to grow several feet in height, towering above Kyle. His face darkened, and his white lab coat shook with fury.

Very powerful. Great description. I love the table bit. I also like the idea of Kyle frantically trying to rectify his mistake, it seems very realistic.

Kyle gawked. Six months. He wanted a Totodile, but not that badly. He sighed again. This was the start of a bad day. He sighed and reached for the ball on the left side of the table. He knew which Pokémon it contained. Cyndaquil. Cyndaquil was cute, but it just didn’t measure up to his favorite, Totodile. He sighed, and said dejectedly, “I choose you, Cyndaquil.” To his horror, nothing happened as he pressed the button, yet again. Kyle didn't even bother trying to press it twice; instead, he looked up to Professor Elm and muttered angrily to himself.

“Don’t tell me,” he said out loud, his eyes flashing. “Some other person stole Cyndaquil as well?” He didn’t even want to hear the answer, but he couldn’t help but ask.

Behind Professor Elm's back, his assistant made frantic motions for Kyle to stop again, but Professor Elm continued, quite calm.

Stepping forward proudly, he said, “Actually,a young boy named Ethan swung by earlier this morning. I gave him Cyndaquil to help investigate a new discovery with Mr. Pokémon. I was hoping to find information about Pokémon origins!”

OMG! This is the story of a third trainer in the Johto region! It all makes sense! Ahahahahaha, this is a really good idea! IT ALL MAKES SENSE - NOW WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BITCH RUNNING FROM THE HOUNDOOMS ALL ABOUT?

***​

The girl hissed in annoyance. She knew that the Houndoom would track his scent to the house, and she also knew that he wouldn’t be able to get out that way; it was only a small matter of whether or not their pursuer would find it more worthwhile to track her or the boy. She sighed, realizing that she wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt of another
death on her hands. She scooped up the Riolu in her arms and dashed into the house, the door slamming shut behind her.

***​

Kyle skidded to a halt in the checkered floor of the house before he realized that it wasn’t a house after all. There was some sort of desk on the left side of the house, and a chair for a person to sit in. The chair was empty. In fact, the entire gatehouse- that was what it appeared to be- was empty. He looked around, seeking a place to hide. Unfortunately, the gatehouse was large and open, yielding no hiding spots. He was about to run outside to find somewhere else to hide when he noticed a back door, possibly leading to a public place where he could blend in with the crowd. With this in mind, he rushed across the tiled floor and through the back door.

***​

I like the changing of perspective getting quicker and quicker, it really adds to the tension. It's making me pee my pants anticipating when they're finally gonna properly encounter one another (if you know what I mean?)

He paused. The girl was right in front of him, and she hadn’t appeared to have heard the man. All that he had to do was reach out his hand and-

The girl whirled around silently and grabbed his arm in a vice like grip. She shook her head, her face unreadable, and then walked out of the grass herself.

“Happy?” she asked, her voice angry and determined.

I’m not sure what happens in this passage. Does Kyle try and get the girl to give herself up or does he not get a chance to decide?
The man looked pleased. “Nope,” he replied, grinning. He pointed at the spot where the girl had just walked out of the grass, and his Houndoom followed his motion, their eyes glowing. A steady stream of bright fire rocket towards Kyle’s hiding spot, and he didn’t even have time to blink before-

“On the boy.” A single Houndoom separated from the pack and rushed over to Kyle. The girl could only watch as the Houndoom, a blur, raced past her and grabbed the scruff of Kyle’s shirt in its jaws, growling threateningly, its triangular tail flicking, eager for the kill.

Ah, for a minute here I thought the man was going back on his word, speaks volumes about his character. Maybe he will still try to. Anyway, the main reason I flagged up this paragraph was because you put a full stop after ‘on the boy’ when it should be a comma since it’s the end of speech.


I like the Deus ex Machine appearance of Silver towards the end, it really works.

Alright, I’m definitely going to make a big effort to catch up on this because I have a feeling this is going to be something special. Something tells me this is going to be one of those fics that actually reaches like 100 chapters and these characters are going to make it all the way to Blackthorn City and beyond. (If they end up collecting Badges, that is.)

Anyway, my main criticism would honestly be that this chapter is really long. Too long in my opinion and probably a large contributor to you not getting many reviews on this. Basically, you’ve got to rely on superheroes who read ridiculous amounts in one sitting (it happens but not often enough to rely on it).

I really really liked this story, just fix up the few bits I said were unclear and the minor mistakes. And for God’s sake – make the chapters a bit shorter! You could have cut off this chapter when they bang into each other, I think that really would’ve worked, you know.