EVERYONE: Derpshorts

[Derpghost]

I've been thinking of writing Pokemon shorts. I don't really know how many of these I'll make or how often these will happen, but, here goes.

Index:
1. Gem Run
2. Grave Situation
3. Coalsmoking

Please, criticism is needed welcome!

 

[Derpghost]

Gem Run

The Sableye slid into a side branch of the tunnel, a large chunk of amethyst underneath his arm. He had to move, fast, or he was screwed. He took another turn just as a massive roar shook the tunnel. The Sableye stumbled and fell, swore, and scrambled back to his feet, grabbing the precious rock and starting to run again. He took a few more turns, trying to remember the path he took earlier, and a new sound started, some massive churning noise that seemed to vibrate the stones on the floor. It got louder, and the Darkness Pokemon's eyes widened as he realized what that sound was. He skidded to a abrupt stop just as a Gabite exploded through the cave wall in front of him. It turned to the Sableye, looking incredibly angry. "THERE YOU ARE!"
The gem-eyed Pokemon stepped back a little, grinning nervously and twitching like mad. "H-Hey there, your day been good? Well, I don't really have time to chat, so I'll just be-aaahhHHHH!" He jumped to the side as the Gabite slammed a bladed arm into the ground where he was standing. The Sableye turned and ran, swearing repeatedly as the Gabite struggled with dislodging his arm from the ground. He saw a hole a ways above him, and started climbing up the wall, the amethyst crammed in his mouth. He heard thundering footsteps behind him, and the Gabite shouting. "Get BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE THIEF!" The Sableye had just managed to get into the opening as a large array of teeth snapped shut just below him. He scrambled the rest of the way up and breathed in relief as he saw the familiar supports and lanterns of the mine. There was a final roar of anger from the Gabite below as they gave up, and the imp-like Pokemon, now safe, hurried back to his nest to enjoy his meal.

 

[TRNatalie]

This was a fun oneshot that I enjoyed immensely. The situation feels very tense and dangerous while the ending feels as much of a relief to the reader as it is for the character. Your action is very well done. I can really see this happening to wild Sableye in the canon.

 

[Beth Pavell]

I've got to admit, when I saw the story I did assume I was looking at a very scrappy piece dashed off in half a minute, in need of a lot of work. Actually, it's not a bad snapshot of action. Being contextless it doesn't really have any weight - there's no real reason for the reader to care about what's going on - and being a short it's all over without much happening. Really engaging short shorts are harder than full stories. It's not for nothing that the short story tends to be considered the pinnacle of the storyteller's craft.

It can be easy to overuse capitals for shouting - it's a technique that has a big impact and very quickly looks cheesy and childish if used a lot. This one avoids the trap, but take care, too, that you don't use "shorts" as an excuse to not have a clear narrative going on. Anyway, one thing to pick up on is that new speakers need a new line. The story ought to look like this:

The Sableye slid into a side branch of the tunnel, a large chunk of amethyst underneath his arm. He had to move, fast, or he was screwed. He took another turn just as a massive roar shook the tunnel. The Sableye stumbled and fell, swore, and scrambled back to his feet, grabbing the precious rock and starting to run again. He took a few more turns, trying to remember the path he took earlier, and a new sound started, some massive churning noise that seemed to vibrate the stones on the floor. It got louder, and the Darkness Pokemon's eyes widened as he realized what that sound was. He skidded to a abrupt stop just as a Gabite exploded through the cave wall in front of him. It turned to the Sableye, looking incredibly angry.

"THERE YOU ARE!"

The gem-eyed Pokemon stepped back a little, grinning nervously and twitching like mad. "H-Hey there, your day been good? Well, I don't really have time to chat, so I'll just be-aaahhHHHH!"

He jumped to the side as the Gabite slammed a bladed arm into the ground where he was standing. The Sableye turned and ran, swearing repeatedly as the Gabite struggled with dislodging his arm from the ground. He saw a hole a ways above him, and started climbing up the wall, the amethyst crammed in his mouth. He heard thundering footsteps behind him, and the Gabite shouting. "Get BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE THIEF!"

The Sableye had just managed to get into the opening as a large array of teeth snapped shut just below him. He scrambled the rest of the way up and breathed in relief as he saw the familiar supports and lanterns of the mine. There was a final roar of anger from the Gabite below as they gave up, and the imp-like Pokemon, now safe, hurried back to his nest to enjoy his meal.

 

[Derpghost]

Grave Situation​

The three young Pokemon stood outside of the rather ominous entrance to the tomb.

"You go in first."

"N-no, you do it."

"Oh, Arceus. I'll do it, since you two wimps don't have the guts."
The Pancham shoved the Elgyem and and Charmander to the side and took a few steps in, balking at the sight of the dark tunnel. He turned back to the others, looking a little nervous. "Well? What are you waiting for? Come on, unless you really are gutless?"

"W-well," the Elgyem stuttered, "the grown-ups always tell us not to come here, and-"

Pancham groaned. "Fine. Charmander, you're coming, right?"

The Charmander muttered at his feet. "Yeah, I guess..."

"Alright then, let's go." Pancham turned and walked into the tomb, followed by a reluctant Charmander. Elgyem sighed and went after them. They were his friends, after all. Even if that entailed going into the incredibly scary tunnel.

Charmander providing light, the three walked a short ways in, and Elgyem noticed some writing on the wall that looked like some sort of warning. He was about to say something, when he noticed that Charmander and Pancham had already moved past him into some kind of room. He ran up, not wanting to be left alone, and writing forgotten,

"Woah, check all this stuff out!" Pancham was rooting around in a old chest and pulled out a valuable-looking necklace. "The grown-ups were crazy for not letting anyone in here. This must be worth a fortune!" The three went around the room, exploring around.

"Hey, guys?" Charmander waved at the two. "Look at this thing." He held his tail in front of him, illuminating a large, golden sarcophagus. Pancham ran up to it.

"Betcha there's even more cool stuff in here. C'mon, help me open it!" He started to tug at it.

"Uh, Pancham?" Elgyem said, suddenly remembering that maybe-warning. "That might not be a good idea"

"What?" Pancham turned around torward him. "Not like it's gonna come to life or anything like that." Just as he said that, the sarcophagus moved. A black aura surrounded it and four shadowy hands sprouted from it. Pancham looked at the two stunned Pokemon in front of him. "What are you two looking at?" Charmander just pointed, as the now floating coffin's faceplate slid back to reveal a red eyed, shark toothed black face with a thunk. Pancham turned slowly to face it, and the Cofagrigus cackled madly.

"Gold! Gold! Thieves! Thieves of my GLORIOUS GOLD!"

"I-I'm sorry sir, we just-" Pancham backed up hastily as the Cofagrigus fell down onto it's hands and scuttled torward the three.

"Thieves! Thieves of my treasure! My GOLD!" It lunged for the three, and skidded across the ground as the children scrambled out of the way. It sprung back up with amazing speed and managed to grab Charmander's tail. Before anyone could react, Cofagrigus opened itself and threw the poor lizard in, snapping shut and plunging the room into darkness.

"Ch-Charmander! You...you..." Pancham saw red, and charged for Cofagrigus, barreling into it. But Pancham passed right through them, and ended up sprawled up on the floor. "Wha- How?" The Cofagrigus only cackled again and swiped him into a wall. As it advanced on the groaning Pancham, the Cofagrigus suddenly looked confused for a moment, then was surrounded by a pink glow. Behind him, Elgyem was hovering off the ground, eyes glowing purple.

"Leave him alone!"

The Cofagrigus just stood there as Elgyem tried to do something to the Pokemon, as it laughed insanely the whole time. Elgyem suddenly quivered and crumpled to the ground, his power spent, and the coffin Pokemon got up, none the worse for wear.

"Thieves! Thieves pay! Pay for stealing my glorious gold!" It laughed again, as a large shadow loomed up behind it.

"Well hey there, friend." Pangoro said, as it picked up Cofagrigus, flipped it, and slammed it into the ground headfirst.

"Gold, gold, gol..." The coffin finally fell silent, and Pangoro wrenched it open to find a unconscious Charmander. He picked up the other two, walked outside, and dropped them unceremoniously on the ground. They groggily got up, bruised and battered.

"What. The Hell. Were you three thinking."

The trio immediately blanched as they saw who exactly their savior was.

"H-hi, dad." Pancham waved meekly.

"If your friend here-" Pangoro gestured at Elgyem, "-hadn't telepathically told me you were in trouble, Arceus knows what that maniac would've done." Pancham shot a glance at Elgyem and began to say something. "Don't even start. It's your own fault you got you and your friends in that mess. You've been told not to go in there. You two, you can go."
Charmander and Elgyem ran for it before he could change his mind, leaving the unfortunate Pancham to a very severe scolding.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Hi, there! Always like seeing some new faces!

In Gem Run, you do a good job exploring the different senteces (particularly sound and touch), though I'd suggest describing the tomb a tad more. Without much description, the Sableye could've been running just about anywhere (a cave, through a field, or something else entirely). I love Sableye in general, by the way, and I especially love seeing it in fics because of how mischievous it usually is. Here, there's no exception. The dialogue where Sableye's trying to look innocent but utterly fails at it is adorable.

In Grave Situation, you did a good job fixing up the formatting stuff pointed out in previous reviews. Pancham, Elgyem, and Charmander getting into shenanigans was cute to read. I might've liked to see more of their dynamic in the beginning, maybe by writing the scene of them walking to the tomb itself - you know, to give them a bit more characterization and make it even more impactful when they get into trouble. You portray their childish recklessness well overall, though. A lot of writers tend to show younger characters having no sense at all, so I liked that Elgyem actually called for help.

I hope to see you around the Writers Workshop more soon! ^^

 

[Derpghost]

Coalsmoking​

The Kirlia looked distastefully over at the rowdy duo in the corner, cursing that damned 'Everyone is welcome' rule for the cafe. If it were up to her, those two would never be let in here again. She took out her irritation on the spotless counter that would lose at least a inch if she kept cleaning it. The two in question, the Salandit and the Torracat, spent all day there ordering things that weren't on the menu, making crude jokes at full volume, and bothering the staff, including her. It was a busy day, at that, and she was getting stressed. Of course, Granbull, the manager, sweet old thing as she was, was too much of a pushover to actually make them leave. The sound of the door opening brought her out of her thoughts, and she put on a smile as a small, green shape moved up to the counter. The little fellow, a child she recognised from around the village, politely asked for a berry mix, which Kirlia quickly served up. He mumbled a thanks as he ate in silence, looking at the two in the corner, who were making incredibly loud comments on the food they weren't even eating.

"Who are those two?"
Kirlia looked up in suprise, and looked to see where the child was pointing with a nubby little arm, torward the troublemakers in the corner.

'Oh, you don't want to bother with them, dear, trust me.'

"Hm." He was quiet for a moment, before speaking up. "Can I have some coals? Lit?"

"Uh, sure, I guess." Kirlia was used to odd tastes, after that flaming person who came in demanding 'life energy'. She was more amazed they had a bottle labeled that in the back. She went to the stove and put some of the smouldering coal into a metal pan, and gave it to him. He then went over to the two on the back, to Kirlia's suprise. The Salandit took notice of the child holding the lit coals.
"Huh? Whatcha want, kid?"

The child seemed to suddenly have a much younger voice as he spoke. "I gots a challenge for you!"

"What is it?" The Torracat leaned over, clearly perked up at the mention of a challenge.

"Coalsmoking! It's super easy! You just gotta see who can eat more!" He gestured to the smoking pan.

"Alright, sure." The Salandit smiled condescendingly. "What do we get if we win?"

"Um... Free food!" Kirlia winced at the thought of those two ordering anything they wanted. "But, if I win, you hafta go!"

The duo shared a smirk. "Okay," Torracat said, "You go first."

"A'right!" The child popped nearly half the pan in one go, straighfaced, taking the two aback. "Now you!" Both of them looked at the coals apprehensively. But, they were fire types, and if this kid could do it...

It took only a few seconds for them to start violently coughing up smoke, and the coughing fit lasted for a solid minute, the child just sitting there with a hint of a smile. The Salandit dragged itself back up into it's seat, still wheezing. "Alright, alright, you *cough* win."

The Torracat raised a hand from under the table. "Seconded."
The two, dazed and smoke leaking from their nostrils, retreated out of the cafe, to the cheers of a few spectating regulars. The child scooted back up to counter, clearly grinning now, and left a little more money than what the food was worth. Kirlia smiled at him as he went out the door.

"Hey, what's your name, kid?"

"Gulpin, miss!"

 

[Misfit Angel]

Hello! As part of the awards, you get some feedback! This is specifically focused at Grave Situation.

I'll start with the plot of your story. It's not the most interesting, but it's also something I don't see often anymore because it's become such a cliche. Using a cliched idea isn't bad if you can adapt it in an interesting manner, and you've attempted that here. The basic plot is kids going to a place their parents warned them not to; the twist is that it's a treasure filled tomb, rumored to be cursed and haunted! I like that twist.

It felt like the characters of Elgyem, Charmander and Pancham were lifted straight out of a Little Rascals skit. One's the overconfident tough guy, the other's the shaky-but-reliable toady and the other's the scaredy cat. All of them lose their personality as soon as they enter the tomb and get overwhelmed with excitement by the treasures within, which I guess makes sense for characters that are children. Some further refinement to their personalities would do these characters wonders.

I did find the writing a little simple and basic, but it was easy to read and that's the important part. I was engaged the entire time and I didn't find it a struggle to read. The only thing that truly bothered me was the absolute out-of-nowhere appearance of the Pangoro, who handily saved the day within just a couple of words of his introduction. If he had gotten a little bit of build up, such as if there was a brief scene that focused on him running into the tomb and seeing all of the chaos that was taking place, his inclusion in the story would have been much more solid.

I get the feeling that you're just starting out as a writer. You have potential. Most people who start out struggle to even come up with twists to original ideas, but you've already gotten to that part. You're doing the right thing by adapting something that already works until you're comfortable branching out into your own ideas.