TEEN: Dreams That You Dreamed (Ch. 7)

[AceTrainer14]

​

Banner by @canisaries

Pua Kealoha dreams of a life beyond the confines of his small Alolan town and their repressive way of living. When a string of newcomers arrive in town, he is suddenly presented with a gateway to the outside world. As his newfound freedom clashes with those around him, Pua must choose between his family, his future, and his dreams, before an outside threat makes the choice for him

This is Dreams That You Dreamed

Contains strong language and themes around sexuality and parental conflict that some may find triggering (not now, but in the future)

Contents:

Spoiler

DAWN
The Golden Hour (here)
New Boy
The Paradise Professor
Walk Beneath the Stars
The Lesser Routine
Working Classless

(COMING SOON)
DUSK

MIDNIGHT

Awards:

Spoiler

The Golden Hour

April 2011

It took a few seconds for the first bell chimes to reach him up in the valley, but in an instant, Pua knew he was dead.

"Shit!" He leapt to his feet, kicking up a cloud of dust that added to the filth already coating his skin. "Rocky! Here boy, come here boy… Rocky!"

"Ruff!"

Pua eyes darted across the thick field until he saw a scruffy brown face buried amongst the green. He lunged forward and grabbed his Pokémon in one swift movement; it made his back twinge in pain, but Pua knew however much he suffered in the next few minutes would be nothing compared to what his mother would inflict on him if he was late.

"We need to run, okay? You ready for that?"

"Ruff!"

Pua laughed. "Good boy." He put the puppy down and, without any hesitation, Rocky started running. Pua's laugh died on his face as he watched the Rockruff sprint away, a cloud of dust trailing behind him. There was no way he could possibly keep up with that pace. Then the second clang of bells hit him, and Pua knew he had no choice.

Praise Arceus for inventing the bubble bath, he thought with a grimace and started sprinting.

He should have realised the time earlier. Now that his head was out of the dirt, Pua could see the sun had sunken, pulling the colour away with it and leaving only dusky yellows pooled on the horizon; he had been out here at least six hours, roughly four and a half hours longer than he had promised.

In Pua's defence, it wasn't his fault. It was Ikaika's. He was the one who had told him about the nest of Bagon, so really, Pua should point his mother in Ikky's direction when she inevitably wanted to unleash her rage. Admittedly, Pua could have gotten some more information as to the Pokémon's exact location before searching the entirety of Route 3 for them, but surely he couldn't be blamed for their elusiveness.

Who the fuck am I kidding. She'll never buy that. Pua groaned, whether from his current pain or the one he knew was coming he couldn't tell, but it felt good to groan. It echoed over the valley as he bolted across the bridge, joining the thud of his feet slamming against the wood. Rocky was already out of sight, and the bells had rung for the fourth time; no matter what he did now, what excuse he came up with, he was going to get punished.

"Ruff!"

Pua skidded to a stop. It felt good to stop, but that lasted a second before the pain settled. His body already hurt from a solid day crawling through caves and fields, and his decision to try and run several kilometres in mere minutes without stretching was only making that pain worse. His ribs felt like they had collapsed and were trying to crush his lungs; his nose and throat burnt; his stitch crawling further up his chest. He groaned as he turned slowly, and groaned again as he craned his neck back. At the top of a vertical cliff face, on the outer boundaries of Iki Town, was Rocky, sitting pleasantly underneath a fence.

"Why do you hate me?"

"Ruff!" Rocky tilted his head to the left, pouting at the question.

"I'm joking, don't worry," Pua said, forcing a smile, though even that hurt. It seemed to reassure Rocky though, who barked at him and began panting frantically. "Shush!" Pua hissed, the fifth clang of the bell ringing out.

He looked the cliff up and down and sighed. He knew he didn't have time to make it down to Route 1; there was only one choice left, even if it filled his beating heart with dread. Tapu Koko, I'm doing this for you, so you better give me strength, he thought bitterly as he ran back to the edge of the path. With a tribal yell, Pua sprinted forwards and flung himself at the cliff.

His chest slammed into the exposed earth. Pain shuddered through his body, but Pua repressed it and focused on getting a foothold. He got a grip on some roots and pushed his feet into the earth. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Pua to haul himself up, arms screaming in protest, until he was closer to the top. He reached out and grabbed onto a fence post, and hauled himself up as the roots disintegrated in his hands.

"Fuck me." The seventh chimes sounded as Pua rolled onto smooth land. He was so close, but he had no desire to carry on. The grass was so soft and cool he felt his body sinking into it, his muscles already relaxing into position. Pua tilted his head to his right and stared at the sunset, smiling as the dying light washed over him. Surely I can miss one meeting, who is it going to hurt?

The answer came to him instantly: him. He would be hurt a lot if he didn't make an appearance. Pua could already imagine his mother seething in her seat. She may love this island and the community and the gods, but that love could easily turn to hate if things didn't go her way. He was surprised she wasn't already out here, tearing through the town trying to find him.

With a groan, Pua pushed himself up, his muscles protesting every movement, and slowly got up to his feet. He limped down the gap between several houses before stumbling out onto the main street. "Ruff!" Rockruff barked, hopping madly on the spot as his eyes flickered from his trainer to the chapel. At least someone is waiting for me.

He turned towards his destination. The church stood on the other side of the town square, yet as the sun set behind it, the building's shadow managed to stretch towards Pua, engulfing all the surrounding buildings in darkness. The sun made the orange tiles shimmer like fire, and as Pua limped towards it, he felt he was descending into the mouth of hell.

Pua paused as he approached the main doors, eyeing the wings that stretched out from either side of the central chamber, wondering if he could slip through the kitchens and pretend he'd been in the bathroom. But as he stood there, Pua realised something was wrong. He looked up at the bell house that sat at the point of the giant roof and then it hit him; all was quiet. The bell had stopped ringing, which meant everyone was indoors. The meeting had already started.

Pua swore under his breath and looked down at Rocky. "Alright, we can still salvage this, just don't make a scene," he hissed.

"Ruff!" The Rockruff replied, and promptly sprinted through the doors.

Wood hit wood as the doors bounced off the support beams, sending a shivering through the building and down Pua's spine. Fuck. He was left only with only his reflection, and even Pua didn't want to see that: his cheeks were flushed, there was dirt nestled in his thick black hair, and sweat coated his chestnut skin. He raised his arms and saw his shirt was damp from armpit to waist. He was a mess, an obvious one at that. It was probably sacrilegious to enter the church like this, but Pua had no choice.

Here goes nothing, he thought, and with a final sigh, he stepped inside.

In his mind, he had expected everyone to turn dramatically and glower at his dirty, sweaty body. Yet the sound of the door thudding shut was drowned out by raucous choir song that reverberated through the room. Standing in the doorway feeling like a corpse who had just crawled their way out of a grave, Pua couldn't help but smirk at his own fear. Everyone may be dressed up in their Sunday best, the parishioners decked out in a rainbow of colours like a human kaleidoscope, making his appearance all the more revolting, but they were too focused on the ceremony to care. In his frantic state, Pua had forgotten one simple fact; most people actually wanted to be here.

"Pua! Pua!"

Pua jumped at the sound of his own name and turned terrified to his left. His friend Leilani was staring at him scandalised, frantically tapping the seat next to her. Without any hesitation, Pua slipped in next to her, relieved at her presence even if her long red dress put his tatty clothes to shame.

"Where were you?" She hissed.

"The fields."

A smirk slid across her face. "You know, you don't have to go all the way out there to have a wank. There are perfectly good trees nearby where you can hide your sin."

"Careful, we're in a place of worship; Solgaleo and Lunala might strike you down."

"I'd like to see them try with something this fabulous," Leilani said sassily, shaking her head and letting her long black hair shimmy in the light.

Pua sniggered into his hand, and for a moment felt at peace. Sitting in the church normally left him feeling ridiculous. This room alone was big enough to fit five houses, yet apart from the benches and religious artefacts on the walls, it was an empty vessel serving little purpose for most of the year. Even as a child, Pua had felt it was a waste of space. Yet as he sat at the back of the church, relief washing over him, he looked to the high vaulted ceiling and watched as the dying light poured through a cartoonish glass sun, and for once was left with a sense of euphoria.

Silence suddenly consumed the church. The singing had stopped and everyone had settled into their seats, backs straight and eyes focused on the front of the room. Pua and Leilani copied them as the man they were here to see stepped up to the plinth perfectly centred in front of the aisle.

On paper, there was nothing that made Joshua special. Average height, an unremarkably attractive face, slim body; he did not stand out physically like so many of the men in the town did. Even his kiehe, a blinding shade of orange, seemed meek compared to the congregation before him. Yet when the Kahuna began speaking, his power was revealed. Joshua was young, not even in his thirties, yet over the last few years Pua had watched as even the eldest and wisest people in the village found themselves transfixed by his voice and encapsulated by his speech.

"It is a pleasure to see you all here again." His first words echoed thunderously against the empty roof, and Pua noticed a ripple of admiration seemed to pass through the townspeople. "The gods thank you for the time you sacrifice each week to recognise the sacrifices they have made for us."

Joshua bowed his head for a moment and a hundred people echoed his movement. When Joshua straightened up again, there was a mass shuffling as everyone followed suit. Pua thought he detected a smile on the Kahuna's face at this, but he was too far away to be certain, and when Joshua stepped around the plinth and into the aisle, his face was sombre.

"Did you all see the news this week?" He called the question out into the room for all to answer and paused as murmurs of agreement flowed back to him. "Good, I am glad to hear it. Now tell me, what is the biggest story you remember from last week?" Joshua paused, eyebrow raised quizzically as if in a pantomime. When no one responded, he stretched his arms out and spun around, eyes flickering from person to person. "No one? Were you all lying to me?" He said teasingly, and he laughed with his flock. "Of course not. No, it appears we are caught up in a global slow news week. Only Skitty being rescued from trees making headlines, am I right?" He added, pointing to one old woman Pua couldn't identify from afar, and her cackle made everyone else laugh.

"It makes a nice change, doesn't it?" In a second, the laughter died. Joshua's face had become stony once more, and no one dared so much as giggle to their neighbour. "For three years straight, we watched as horrors struck down our allies around the world. A criminal organisation nearly took over Kanto and Johto. Civil war between business empires and activist groups in Hoenn almost ended in global environmental catastrophe. Just last year, a cult leader in Sinnoh thought he knew better than the gods and sought to remake the world in his image.

"Throughout all of these barely averted disasters, one thing was clear to me. Pride." Joshua paused as murmurs of agreement rippled through the crowd and nodded knowingly at his patrons. "These men – Giovanni, Cyrus, Maxie, Archie – they all had pride in their hearts. These hubristic men saw themselves as better than all others, great enough to command the gods themselves. Pride was what drove them, and it is what proved to be their downfall.

"However," Joshua said, pointing vigorously to the skies, "they are not alone. Yes, these men indeed went above and beyond anyone else, but their sins are not theirs alone. Our neighbours, they push people to be the very best, they push each other to usurp their betters and take what they consider to be theirs. They have become so driven by pride and greed that they have let their obsession with battling, with training, with championships hold them by the throat and refuse to let go. These are regions that allow the battling of Pokémon to be at the very height of their government. These are regions that view their gods beneath them; that put them on the same level as Rattata and Pikipek and allow them to become the property of children! The horrors that they endured, they brought them upon themselves as the gods punished them for their delusions of grandeur, for their pride with which they see themselves!"

Joshua marched back to the front of the chapel as applause and cheers of approval swelled behind him. "It has been a year since we watched Mount Coronet turn red with the blood of innocents. One year, and already our neighbours have moved on. Their hubris will continue to be their downfall until they learn the true cost of their actions.

"But WE, we here in Alola know our place. We know the Pokémon around us are our equals, we know that it is only by the grace of the gods above us that we have not been struck down and suffered the way our neighbours have. For centuries, we have been free from turmoil and tragedy. We were the first region to end the conflict with Pokémon, to live with them in harmony, and since then we have seen only peace. Yet we will only continue to have peace so long as we reject the sins that have consumed the other regions. We will only be free from apocalypse if we reject the practices that are trying to infiltrate our islands. I pray that you all stand with me and swear to Solgaleo, to Lunala, to Tapu Koko, swear to them that you will not let these foreign poisons seep into our shores!"

The noise that erupted inside the chapel was so sonorous anyone not in the know may have thought that Tapu Koko himself had appeared. Instead, Pua watched as half the congregation rose to their feet, clapping and stamping and screaming. Those who did not and could not lifted their hands and threw back their heads, shouting their prayers to the skies. Joshua disappeared behind this sea of agreement, but Pua could imagine the Kahuna watching this without irony, and the thought made him cross his arms tighter.



"Well, that was fucking pathetic."

Pua struggled to stifle his snigger at Leilani's sister, Helena, slapped her across the shoulder.

"Do you want to get the whole family ex-communicated?"

"Don't tell me you believed any of that?" Leilani scoffed.

"Of course not, but all these other fuckers do, so if you are going to smite them, smite quietly." Helena rolled her eyes at Pua before strutting back to her family who were mingling with the crowds, leaving Pua and Leilani leaning against the church. Pua's eyes followed Helena as she left, disappearing into the throngs of townspeople who were refusing to let their weekly church visit end anytime soon.

"You perv, stop watching my sister!"

Pua turned incredulously to his friend. "I was not! I was looking at her pareo, jeez," he said defensively, pointing at the hot pink fabric tied around Helena's waist. "You know I wouldn't be checking her out."

"I know," Leilani said, rolling her eyes and punching him on the shoulder. "God, you are so easy to wind up."

Pua smiled awkwardly. He had been on edge ever since he had told her his secret a few weeks ago; he trusted Leilani with all his heart, but she was so fiery that it made her hard to read most of the time. "You probably shouldn't use that word dismissively around here, Kahuna Joshua might hear you."

"Oh no, you're right. Do you think he'd prefer if I said fuck loudly instead?"

"You won't know until you try."

"FUCK!" Leilani said in a barely concealed stage whisper. Pua had to turn and face the church to try and dissociate himself, but his carrying snigger betrayed him. "Oh calm down, no one even heard me. I doubt they can hear anything with Joshy's little sermon buzzing about their tiny minds."

"Do not get me started," Pua groaned, returning to his regular lean. "What even brought that on? You think he's heard about that gang that's started up?"

Leilani scoffed. "You mean those high school dropouts? They are hardly at the stage of creating mutant demons and summoning gods, are they? He's just getting his case out there early before anyone gets convinced otherwise."

"What are you on about?" Leilani was struggling not to smirk, a shrewd smile Pua had come to know all too well. "You know something, don't you? Spit it out!"

"That's what he said," she shot back, winking, her smirk only growing wider.

"Oh my god, you're such a bitch sometimes." Pua stepped in front of her and shoved his face right into hers. "I am going to stay like this until you tell me everything!"

"Gross," Leilani scoffed, dramatically turning away and shoving his face away. "Fine, I suppose I'll let you in on my little secret, but you've got to promise not to – sweet Mudsdale dick, who the fuck is that?"

Pua turned to follow her line of sight. Across the town square, near the closest house to the church, stood two men. One stood with his back to Pua, but with those broad shoulders slowly giving way to age and fat, enclosed in a lemon yellow jacket that was as much a symbol of the island as Tapu Koko, it could only be Hala. He appeared to be showing around the second man, a thin pale man in tatty jeans and a shirt, an obvious outlier amongst the sea of brown faces and colourful kiehe around him.

"No idea, but in those clothes, he's probably just some shabby tourist."

"Not him," Leilani groaned, grabbing Pua's head and turning it to the left. "Him."

Pua looked again, and when he saw who Leilani was pointing at, he froze on the spot. A teenage boy stood a few feet from the tourist, arms crossed dismissively and a vacant look on his face. Dressed in a blue singlet and matching shorts, skin like fine china was on display for all to see, a shade of white so fine it made the man he was with look native by comparison. His hair was the colour of straw, which only made it look more like a mess, bits sticking up while a thick clump hung fringe-like over half the face. Pua had no idea who this was, but there was something about this pale stranger that fascinated him. He wanted to walk over, but there was a tickle down his neck that was hot and cold all at once that made him slink further back against the church.

"You don't think they'd actually let any more white people move in here, do you?"

"Of course not," Pua said, talking through the lump that arisen in his throat. "Can you imagine Rhydon? She'd have a seizure if that happened."

"Uh oh, speak of the –"

"PUA KEALOHA!"

The six syllables exploded across the square like a thunderclap, and as if he had been electrocuted, Pua leapt forwards in shock. The sudden movement made his tired muscles tense, but renewed pain was the least of his issues. He could see most people had turned to him, and Pua's face obediently blushed in reaction, but he only had eyes for one person.

The townspeople had been huddled closely together a moment earlier, but they all parted as Anahera Kealoha made her way through the crowd. As tall as most men with shoulders to put them to shame, Anahera was not a woman many took for granted, especially when her broad face was as tight with rage as it was currently.

"Where were you?" She bellowed while she was still metres from her son. "I nearly missed the service waiting for you! You look disgusting, what were you doing out there?"

"Time just slipped away from me," Pua said without thinking, and regretted it as his mother's face narrowed further.

"Well I certainly won't be letting that happen again! Your pet managed to make it inside so I trust you did as well."

"Yeah, I sat with Leilani and her –"

"Good." Anahera turned briefly to Leilani and dismissed her with a mere uptick of her lips. "That's one less thing I'll have to apologise to Kahuna Joshua about."

"You don't have to apologise to him for –"

"No, I shouldn't have to!" Anahera shouted, eyes bulging from her sockets. "If you had come home on time and dressed less like a homeless tramp than I wouldn't have to, would I? You better pray that Tapu Koko does not look on us poorly because of this. Come home, let's get home before anyone else sees what a state you're in."

They wouldn't have noticed me at all if you hadn't made a scene, Pua thought bitterly, but he swallowed his words. Anahera was already marching ahead, the people parting for her looking at her briefly before turning back to Pua, and he doubted there was a redder brown boy on the island than him.

"See you tomorrow," he muttered to Leilani, not daring to meet her eye, and he followed after Anahera.

"Ruff!"

Pua paused and looked down. Rocky was running in circles around him as though trying to trip him over, panting obliviously to the chaos around him. "I knew we should have stayed in the fields," Pua mumbled to the dog. The Rockruff's obliviousness made him smile, but as he walked past everyone in town, he kept his head down and his eyes on the earth, hoping to whoever was out there that no one was watching, especially not the stranger.

 

[MisheardWhisper]

I'm bad at catching up with ongoing fics, so I promised myself I'd get onto this one early. Okay, I'm gonna do this stream-of-consciousness style and then come back to organise it into something resembling actionable feedback. Here goes.

Right off the bat, I'm in love with your opening sentence. a) Starting in medias res in general and b) literally having the opening sentence constructed as an attention-grabber like that are both fantastic. Reading a bit further made me realise 'oh, not literally dead', but it's a great hook to start the chapter.

He turned towards his destination. The church stood on the other side of the town square, yet as the sun set behind it, the building's shadow managed to stretch towards Pua, engulfing all the surrounding buildings in darkness. The sun made the orange tiles shimmer like fire, and as Pua limped towards it, he felt he was descending into the mouth of hell.

I do like this very much, but the imagery was definitely clear enough that I was getting the ominous 'mouth of hell' vibes even before the end of the sentence. Could possibly do without the explicit 'hey this is what the paragraph is for'.

I gotta say, I'm also a bit thrown by the inclusion of the church at all. To my knowledge, Western-style churches with choirs and pews and all that didn't really appear in Alola, the locals preferring their more traditional methods of worship, which makes me wonder if something is up here. There's a new Kahuna, which means we're in a different time period to Sun & Moon - so perhaps there's been some changes in the way religion is being approached. Also, don't think for a second I missed the fact that Joshua is the only one so far with a typical Caucasian name - and an overtly religious one, at that. So I'll reserve judgement until I see more of the setting; just wanted to note how interesting this all is.

Acknowledgement of hubris always gets bonus points for me. It's a fantastic character flaw with deep roots in literary tradition, and it's no less pertinent today than it was when the Greeks codified it. I've never really thought about applying it to Pokemon characters, but I'm buying Joshua's speech so far - with the possible exception of Giovanni, who struck me as an awfully shrewd man whose fatal flaw was greed, rather than pride (from the very thin lore we got on Gen I's Rocket).

Their hubris will continue to be their downfall until they learn the true cost of their actions.

Uh oh. That doesn't sound ominous or threatening in the slightest.

Well, in general I'm enjoying the fire and brimstone. Nice to see a bit of religious fervor, and now I'm definitely wondering how such a Western, doomsday-preaching, hand-waving, Baptist-like style of religion took root in Hau'oli. It's a good hook that pretty much compels me to keep reading, so that's great to see. The juxtaposition with Leilani's abrupt sacrilege across the cut is a really nice mood swing as well, bordering on whiplash - but the fact we were getting some tone-setting insights from Pua during the sermon provided enough continuity that the switch wasn't jarring. It's a sharp transition from formal soliloquy to informal dialogue, so kudos.

These kids swear a lot.

"Do not get me started," Josh groaned, returning to his regular lean. "What even brought that on? You think he's heard about that gang that's started up?"

Just assuming that's meant to be Pua, not Josh making fun of himself.

And well, nice to see a main character's mum being a hardass, and I'm assuming that's setting us up for the conflicts alluded to in your introduction. That's beside the point, though, so I'll leave it till it comes up.

Okay, so rounding up now. I don't do scores out of 10, but here's some general thoughts:

Prose: Sharp and clean, and most importantly it flows. Nothing made me stop and reread unnecessarily, nothing felt too bloated or unwieldy, and overall it just ran nicely from one line to the next. I mentioned that I enjoyed the scene transition from Joshua's sermon to Leilani's outburst, so I just wanted to mention that again here. Snappily done, and shifted the mood quite swiftly from 'fire and brimstone' to 'sweet Mudsdale dick'.

Dialogue: Mostly felt pretty natural. As amusing as I found some of the invective, however, the cursing was kind of distracting. I completely understand a 'Shit!' or two when realising you're about to get your ass handed to you by the scariest woman on the island, but Leilani's vulgarity in particular was... jarring. I guess that's what you were going for, but it doesn't totally sit right with me. Perhaps it comes down to personal preference, but I feel like it wasn't totally necessary to showcase her rough personality and dismissive attitude. While it's not necessarily going to be the case here, I'm just wary of Leilani tugging this fic into the category of 'it's grown-up because it has naughty words in it', which muddies the waters regarding actual serious themes that I can tell you want to showcase.

Also, Leilani is just a lovely name for lovely people and I know at least two of them, neither of whom I could imagine saying anything like that. So maybe that's the cause of my bias. xD

Plot: The one that really matters, am I right? Lots of hooks here, and I can see the promises reflected in your summary coming into play very soon. There's Joshua and his meteoric rise to a position of power; Hala, the ex-kahuna who still seems to be making moves on the board; the new stranger and the undercurrent of xenophobia he's stirred up; Pua's relationship with his mother. So in short, there's a lot of questions being raised, complicated ones that I can only hope you're up to tackling. I'm particularly interested, as I alluded to above, in how a Western-style church sprang up on Hau'oli, apparently quite quickly. Was Joshua behind it, or did he come after? Was Hala retiring as kahuna anyway, or was he forced out by this charismatic youngster?

Side note: I absolutely love the obvious syncretic nature of this religion you've invented for them. It bears very clear resemblances to real-world churches set up across the world by missionaries during the colonial era in North & South America, Africa and of course our very own New Zealand. Elements of the native beliefs blended with the invading religion, traditional costumes co-opted as 'Sunday best', Western pomp and circumstance presiding over traditionally more free-form practices. Very nice, and very sinister.

Characters: Well, we've seen plenty so far. In fact, Pua might be the only one I don't have a clear mental image of, since so far he's been mostly passive. That's not a bad thing, though, as there's enough hints to show some real depth, as long as they're expanded on. Leilani is a particularly vivid character, for better or worse. I like firebrand characters like her, aside from the potty mouth I touched on earlier. Joshua is of course a fascinating character for many reasons, and Anahera, well... you know, she kind of reminds me of Lenora for some reason. Time will tell whether she has the same soft side, though.

So! Overall, a solid start and lots of promising avenues for growth. I look forward to reading more.

 

[AceTrainer14]

Could possibly do without the explicit 'hey this is what the paragraph is for'.

Noted, will look at re-writing that bit. Was worried about that myself.

I've never really thought about applying it to Pokemon characters, but I'm buying Joshua's speech so far - with the possible exception of Giovanni, who struck me as an awfully shrewd man whose fatal flaw was greed, rather than pride (from the very thin lore we got on Gen I's Rocket).

The story is part of the GalacticVerse, so it is in reference to my own Giovanni rather than the games. While this story requires the least amount of knowledge of my other works of any of my stories, it is worth noting that any reference to a canon character or event is not the same as it was in the games.

I completely understand a 'Shit!' or two when realising you're about to get your ass handed to you by the scariest woman on the island, but Leilani's vulgarity in particular was... jarring. I guess that's what you were going for, but it doesn't totally sit right with me.

It's not meant to be jarring. Asides from the bit of shouting 'fuck', which was for comedic effect, all other instances of swearing is part of their persona. I am a sweary person myself and have had no issue with swearing for most of my life, but know it can be a personal thing for many people which is why I thought I'd make the strong language note XD It's definitely not meant to make the story seem more adult or anything, as I don't consider swearing to be an adult activity. Their swearing is nothing compared to some plans for this fic so consider yourself warned now

Hala, the ex-kahuna who still seems to be making moves on the board

I went back and edited the chapter because of this: Hala remains as the Battle Kahuna, while Joshua is there in a religious sense. While I enjoy twisting the canon characters, I did not feel Hala suited the persona I had imagined for the religious Kahuna, and in my research I found that there were many different kahunas responsible for different things, so decided to split the role.

In fact, Pua might be the only one I don't have a clear mental image of, since so far he's been mostly passive.

This is a bit deliberate so far, as most of the story is a coming of age type tale so Pua is finding himself alongside the audience in a sense.

As your thoughts on the matter were much more varied than I expected from any reader, I will make note of it here that I did read and was fascinated by your read. I do not want to comment much further as to what role this plays in the story, but the religious side of the town is a major thematic part of Pua's journey and will be a recurring factor. However, I am sorry to shoot down a fan theory so early on but Joshua is not meant to have co-opted or twisted the religion to a Western style. The inspiration for this version of religion, and indeed the story itself, was my observations in New Zealand of many Maori and Pasifika friends being far more passionate around religion and following some of the spectacle side of things than Europeans. Coupled with Alola having more of a religious side than previous games due to the many temples, I invented this religion as a combination of many thoughts and observations, coupling Western and Pasifika styles. The temple side of things is still a part of it, and we will see more sides to the religions later and get more backstory as to what the various elements mean. I did appreciate your thought and I may incorporate some of your views into the later parts of the story, but I thought I should make clear that part of things now.

Thanks so much for the review and your positive comments. It is nice to see such a lovely reaction so soon and to know the story has the potential to inspire such thoughts!

 

[MisheardWhisper]

However, I am sorry to shoot down a fan theory so early on but Joshua is not meant to have co-opted or twisted the religion to a Western style. The inspiration for this version of religion, and indeed the story itself, was my observations in New Zealand of many Maori and Pasifika friends being far more passionate around religion and following some of the spectacle side of things than Europeans. Coupled with Alola having more of a religious side than previous games due to the many temples, I invented this religion as a combination of many thoughts and observations, coupling Western and Pasifika styles. The temple side of things is still a part of it, and we will see more sides to the religions later and get more backstory as to what the various elements mean. I did appreciate your thought and I may incorporate some of your views into the later parts of the story, but I thought I should make clear that part of things now.

See, this is interesting to me because the observations you're describing are very much a result of the things I talked about. Maori/Pasifika folk these days definitely do have a different style of worship from Pakeha just as you say, but it all comes back to those days of early settlement, where the Christian missionaries basically co-opted Maori religion and built on it, twisted it and fused it with Christianity to create the religion and the religious culture that we still see shades of today - all around the world, in fact. It's a fascinating topic and one I've studied in a fair bit of depth (particularly around Latin American colonisation) but that's all I was getting at, I think. I am minorly bummed that we're not seeing the fomenting of a brand new cult, but I suppose that may have been a few too many wild plot hooks for one chapter. Either way, I feel a lot of significance attached to Joshua's character and I am sure it won't be the last we see of him. While a church service is a useful device for getting Pua told off and showcasing Leilani's sharp tongue, I'm fairly certain there's more to it than that.

It's not meant to be jarring. Asides from the bit of shouting 'fuck', which was for comedic effect, all other instances of swearing is part of their persona. I am a sweary person myself and have had no issue with swearing for most of my life, but know it can be a personal thing for many people which is why I thought I'd make the strong language note XD It's definitely not meant to make the story seem more adult or anything, as I don't consider swearing to be an adult activity. Their swearing is nothing compared to some plans for this fic so consider yourself warned now

Hmm, I'm still on the fence. I curse like a sailor in real life as well (when I'm not around my family or students >.>), so it's not like the language is making me clutch at my pearls or anything. I just find that in a work of literature, swearing in casual conversation for no apparent reason is kind of distracting. Like, every word should be chosen for a reason, so what's the reason for random 'fuck' or 'shit' or 'sweet Mudsdale dick'? It doesn't really serve the story in any way, and it cheapens those words when they're used in a serious context - which can be a good way of showing that a character is really at the end of their rope. I dunno, I'll reserve judgement for now, but I have rarely read a Pokemon fic where excessive explicit language has worked. More often than not it simply tends to paint the characters, and by extension the writer, as immature rather than adult.

...Which again, is what I meant when I said that's probably what you were going for. I'm being a bit harsh but if your intention was to have me roll my eyes and wish that child would mind her goddamn manners or so help me I will ground you for a month, mission successful.

Perhaps I'm just getting old.

EDIT: Oh hey, I just found Ikaika in Sun and Moon. He's a Scientist in Poni Canyon.

 

[AceTrainer14]

See, this is interesting to me because the observations you're describing are very much a result of the things I talked about.

Fair point. Perhaps if the church was the focus of the story, I would have explored this avenue a bit further. There is not really a Christianity in this world - the main religion is Arcethian, and while there are small sects who don't believe a Pokemon could have created the universe, most of the world accepts it as a fact. I really envisioned this religion as being shaped by the traditions and what not being passed down through the generations, strengthened by the fact that because nothing bad has happened to the region (this is pre-S&M), their beliefs are working and therefore they must follow them.

I am minorly bummed that we're not seeing the fomenting of a brand new cult, but I suppose that may have been a few too many wild plot hooks for one chapter.

That would be a completely different story from what's going on here XD You've possibly missed one important clue from the end of the chapter which is the real direction things are heading in, though that will be made clearer over the coming chapters.

Like, every word should be chosen for a reason

Just because they are naughty doesn't mean they aren't chosen for a reason The swearing is important to both Leilani as a character and the wider context of the story, I did not throw them in for no reason. My intention was not to make you roll your eyes in the slightest; teenagers swear, I am writing a teenager who is openly rebellious and conveys that by swearing. It may not seem necessary, but I do not think she would be a halfway effective character in her role if she simply said "That was pathetic" or "Oh my god" as opposed to sweet Mudsdale dick. That's just censoring a character and creating a relatively unrealistic teenager

I just found Ikaika in Sun and Moon. He's a Scientist in Poni Canyon.

I did not know that XD I don't think my Ikky will be a scientist though... wait and see him in the next chapter

 

[Life]

i came because the title spoke to me, buckled down due to the cover art, and stayed because you wrote this. can't lie about that aha.

The first thing I want to compliment you on is how much your style works for not just this but in general. I don't know how, but I find that your writing has an easy-to-read, simplistic vibe while maintaining a mature and developed atmosphere. For this story, it works really great and allows everything that you want readers to focus on to really shine.

It's always hard to judge just the first chapter because there is little to talk about, however I think that this did a good job at setting up the characters and story. I'm interested to see how much race plays into this story (among other things) as well as Pokémon battling. From the first chapter I have a lot of questions about the Alola region that I'm excited to be answered, like how much does religion play in to things, how common it is for trainers to battle with pokémon, and how isolated Alola is with the rest of the world.

I think the characters were described nicely! Their dialogue and actions really speak a lot about who they are, and I am definitely excited to read more about Pua because of how chill of a guy he is (also can't wait to hopefully see him mix with some gnarly explosions aha). For what it's worth I didn't see a problem at all with the swearing, in fact I think you used curse words just enough to get the fact across that they are ~ rebellious ~ teenagers, without being too dull/immature in your dialogue.

I guess my only two overall critiques/ideas would be that it might have been nice to see Pua actively looking for the Bagon nest. But the first sentence is also really clever too so you wouldn't have been able to use that, so I digress aha. Second is that a bit more description would have really livened up the forest/climate of Alola, especially because we don't really know where Pua is. Doing that while writing in media res is a toughy, and there is a risk to killing the tension, but a little bit of description here and there I think would have melded with the story just fine.

and j a nitpick, but something that read kinda odd to me was the use of "It felt good to x" back to back. Using it once in the chapter is fine, but it's the kind of phrase that's memorable enough to not want to use twice in a chapter, especially not in two paragraphs right next to each other.

Overall though I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter and I'm excited for more!!

 

[AceTrainer14]

Thanks for the review, @Life! Glad you enjoyed the chapter, and very pleased for @canisaries that you loved the artwork

Second is that a bit more description would have really livened up the forest/climate of Alola, especially because we don't really know where Pua is.

I will be focusing more on the environment of the island over the next few chapters. This first 'arc' is pretty much setting things up, in a sense, whereas the second half of the story will really drive into the plot and themes.

something that read kinda odd to me was the use of "It felt good to x" back to back.

Noted, didn't realise I had done that. Will look to edit that

 

[diamondpearl876]

So I don't have much to add after my beta comments, but I'll try. The pacing was good, like I said. This wasn't too much or too little for a first chapter, at any rate. I think adding the search for the bagon nest itself would've dragged on the beginning, which I thought was borderline in terms of length as it was. But it would've been cute to see more Pua and Rocky interactions, so maybe not.

Besides, you use the rest of the chapter to your advantage, anyway, by showing Pua's interactions with Alola's kahunas, church life, his mother, his friends, and lastly, the cute boy he saw walking by, hehe. That sounds like a lot, but you really make it feel like it's not with the pacing and just the right amount of description throughout.

I guess I'll add that I will be following this because how could I not? This is the type of story I like written by a good author, so.

 

[AceTrainer14]

New Boy

"Mr Kealoha, I hope I am not boring you?"

Pua jolted upwards with such speed his neck cricked, but he forced himself not to let the pain show. "No sir, not at all."

"I see." Mr Hopoi peered over the top of his glasses, large square frames that made his eyes look cartoonishly large. "If you are so terribly engaged then, you can fill in some information for us I am sure. What, for example, occurred first: the attack on Kalos, or the siege of the Sevii Islands?"

"Kalos."

"Very good. You're off the hook, for now. Don't want to overstimulate your poor brain too much." Mr Hopoi failed to stop himself from smirking as the class erupted in a chorus of stifled laughter around him.

Pua managed to laugh himself, but as soon as the drama-hungry eyes of his classmates had looked away, he sank back into his chair, sighing. He had to stay awake for the rest of the class, but his eyelids had been heavy all morning and it was taking what little energy he had left to keep them open. The sun was streaming through the open windows, the warm air enveloping his body, and Pua longed to accept its embrace.

Something solid rapped the back of his head. "If you so much as blink too slowly, he is going to call your skinny brown ass out again," Leilani hissed into his ear.

Pua tilted his head as though he was looking out the window, but peered at his friend and caught her wicked, shining grin. "You smiling like that isn't going to help. No one ever looks happy in this class."

"Unless you're one the nerds in the front row who thinks getting pounded with facts is as good as sex."

"I suppose," Pua mumbled, hastily guzzling water as to stifle his sniggering.

"Why are you so bloody tired anyway? You and Rhydon went home before anyone else did."

Pua didn't say anything. There was too much to say now, and it was not the type of conversation he could whisper in the middle of a packed classroom. Even if Leilani had asked him when they were away from everyone else, he doubted he could tell her anyway. Pua had already talked so much about his home life that the impact was getting dulled; for her, it was another story of his mad mother, but for him, it was real life.

Pua sighed internally and pushed the thoughts aside. He couldn't let them consume him more than they already had. He had already zoned out for longer than he had realised: grainy images of a giant flaming bird were moving across the whiteboard, and Pua had no idea how long this video had been running for.

"As we can see from this footage, Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres appeared and unleashed their fury. Without them, the Kantonian army would have fallen, and Team Rocket or the Rocket Project, whichever name you prefer, same difference, would have proved victorious. Of course, they returned twelve years later, but that is a story for another time. Now, any questions?"

There was a moment of silence before Leilani spoke up in a loud, bored tone of voice. "Why are we learning about this?"

Mr Hopoi stiffened as the class sniggered. "Do you have something against world history, Miss Toloa? I would have thought wars and exploding buildings was exactly your cup of tea."

"Oh, I don't have an issue with that, believe me," Leilani replied, smiling wickedly. "It's just… what's the point in us learning about Kanto's conflicts? It's on the other side of the world, we have nothing to do with them. I mean, when was the last time Alola got blown up?"

"That's exactly the type of thing someone would say right before shit gets real," Mr Hopoi shot back and smirked as his language made several students titter. "It's precisely because of your last point that we are discussing this. Were you not listening to the Kahuna's sermon yesterday? Our far away neighbours have fallen out of faith with their gods. They do not honour them and they do not value them before their own needs and desires and goals."

"If their gods don't like them, then why did those big old birds save the day? They could have just stayed in the sky and let the whole country burn."

"The gods are not spiteful creatures, Leilani. They had already let one region burn, they were not going to let another, and they did not need to. The world had watched Kalos burn, they could see what happened when the gods went ignored – and goodness knows Kalos was far more flawed and hedonistic than anyone else. They let Kanto suffer, but they showed them what happens when the gods choose to intervene. They reminded everyone that they can be merciful, that they have a role to play in protecting us from darker forces, but that people must honour their sacrifices rather than expecting them to happen."

Leilani's scoff echoed through the silent room. "That makes no sense whatsoever. The gods went to Kalos as well. There is footage of them trying to save everyone – Latios and Latias, Xerneas, Groudon, I think Meleo –"

An electronic chime reverberated through the classroom, cutting Leilani off mid-sentence. "Alright everyone, have a pleasant lunch and I will see you tomorrow," Mr Hopoi said quickly, shooting Leilani one final filthy glare before busying himself with his briefcase.

Leilani did not return the look. Pua watched her angrily shove her stationery into her bag before pushing through their classmates, forcing him to jog to keep up with her.

She started talking before Pua was alongside, but her voice and tone were so explosive that practically the whole school could hear her as they flooded onto the field. "Is it just me, or does it feel like there is some grand fucking conspiracy gripping the island?"

"You mean all this talk about the other regions?" Pua asked as he pulled into a breathless stride beside her.

"No, I'm talking about the fluoride in the water." Leilani made sure to turn to him as she rolled her eyes, big and brown like two cups of coffee. "Of course that's what I'm talking about! I can barely handle Joshy talking about it in church, but if they are letting this anti-Pokémon League discourse seep into the school, then things are really fucked."

The two were marching across the field at this point, heading to the one side bordered by trees rather than white wooden classrooms. Leilani through her bag against the roots of the pohutukawa tree that covered the northern corner of the field, the purple fabric kicking up the red flowers that sat in a heap atop the grass, and clambered onto the curved base of one of the trunks, resting her feet in the spot were all five spawned from the ground.

"This has really got you worked up," Pua said as he put his bag down more carefully before climbing onto the trunk opposite.

"Damn straight, and you should be as well. These pricks are all working together to get their narrow-minded case out there before anyone can have an original thought."

"You were talking like this last night, what the fuck is going on?"

"Oh right, I was going to tell you." Leilani sat forwards, signalling for Pua to do the same. There was no one around them, most people preferring the close of trees behind the classrooms to the baked earth they called a field, but Leilani's solemn face made it clear this was serious. "Have you heard about the Pokémon professor that's moved to the island?"

"Rumours," Pua whispered back. It had been a big story a few months ago; Melemele had never had a professor based there before, certainly not in a town as small as Iki. It was all people had spoken about for weeks, but one day the conversation had simply stopped.

"Well, they're true. His name is Kukui and he moved in the other day. He trained under Professor Oak from Kanto, he specialises in studying Pokémon attacks, and he is going to be too much for your little brown ass to handle."

Pua blushed but soldiered through. "How do you know all this?"

"Helena got a job with him. Research assistant, lucky bitch," Leilani grunted.

"That's a sweet gig. Wait, what does this have to do with Joshua?"

"I'm getting there, calm your farm!" Leilani said with a wiggle of her head. "Apparently Joshua, Hala, and a few others met him when he was first looking for property here. They wanted to scout him out the way they always do. Helena told me that the meeting was going well at first, but then Kukui mentioned how he has a teensy weensy dream for little old Alola."

Pua waited for her to carry on, but Leilani paused, unable to stop her smile covering her face. "Spit it out!"

"How many times have you heard that this week?"

"Lani!"

"He wants to introduce a Pokémon League."

The seven words hit him as solidly as a punch to the throat, and Pua sank back against the trunk. Through the branches, he could see the usual group of boys playing football, he could see their mouths moving, he could imagine them screaming. But he heard nothing. Only a faint buzzing that swelled inside his ears. He tried to move, but his body had gone numb, solid, as if it had sunken into the tree. With what felt like a great deal of effort, Pua turned his head back to Leilani, and it was only when he caught her barely restrained smile and her gleeful eyes that reality tuned back into focus.

"A league? An actual league?!"

"An honest to the gods proper, Kanto-styled, motherfucking league."

Pua almost yelled in joy before stopping himself, instead emitting a noise that sounded like a pig squealing. He and Leilani looked at each other and burst out laughing, leaning into each other and letting their bodies shake together.

For the two of them, the Pokémon League had always been their dream. Leilani's parents were secret fans of all the tournaments, and they used to let Pua stay over on the nights of big championship battles. Pua had watched Alder of Unova and Casimer of Kanto face off in a spectatorship battle, he had seen Red's first defender bout after he took over from Casimer, and he and Leilani had stayed up for hours to watch Kris defend herself again Lance. Everything about those battles had entranced them since they were children, and it was all they lived for.

However, Alola had chosen not to copy the other regions. Instead, they had the Island Challenge. Like everything else, it was an old tradition that had been adapted for the modern age; centuries ago, men in the villages had been allowed to challenge the islands Kahuna for their title at special religious events. As Pokémon training became more common through the islands, it had become more restrained, with the winners receiving bountiful prizes as a reward for proving themselves in the eyes of the gods.

Pua knew he would tackle the Challenge one day, but the thought did not fill him with ecstasy the same way the leagues did. He was only three years away from eighteen, but kids in the other regions as young as ten were allowed to compete for the biggest prize there was. He was the same age as Red and he had been Champion for three years. All Pua would get if he defeated Hala is a smattering of applause and a framed stamp.

His excitement was quickly consuming him, but as his body rocked joyfully against Leilani's, a solemn thought pierced his gleeful bubble. "Wait, you said the meeting went well until he brought that up."

Leilani stopped laughing as well, and she leant back across her branch, sighing. "Helena wasn't there, but from what Kukui told her, it sounded like our locals didn't take too kindly to the idea."

"Why?"

"No idea," Leilani said, shrugging. "Even Kukui is in the dark. They basically just shot the idea down and said it wouldn't work, and then sat there frostily for the rest of the meeting. Kukui made it clear to them when he left that he will continue to look into it, but they said nothing. He didn't hear anything from them for weeks, but now that he is moving in, I guess they've decided to get their message out there first."

"But they can't do that!" Pua huffed. "No one's going to let it happen if they turn everyone against it beforehand."

Leilani clutched Pua's right hand with her left and stroked it, but even her touch was not enough to calm him. "Honey, I think that's kind of the point."

Pua couldn't meet her eyes anymore. He stared through the branches, biting his lip to stop himself from crying. This island. This fucking island. The field was barely bigger than the church, yet the entire school, from little five years old just learning the alphabet to legal adults waiting for the year to end, could fit on it comfortably. The classrooms had not been updated since the fifties when they were built, just like the morals of everyone that passed through. They just sat there, packed tightly together like a prefabricated maze, expecting you to be happy simply because the gods demanded it.

I hate this fucking island. Something flickered passed his eyes as the thought crossed his mind; for a second, Pua thought he was actually seeing red. But then something landed lightly on his head and he realised it was the tree's flowers; the entire trunk he was on was shaking, and Pua awkwardly realised why. He stopped shaking and tried not to look at Leilani, even though he knew those emerald pools in her eyes were locked onto him.

Thankfully, she knew him too well to bring it up and make things worse. "You will have to come and meet Kukui with me soon. Helena said I can come visit once he's got everything unpacked and set up."

Pua's jaw dropped. "Are you serious?"

"No, bitch, I'm messing you," Leilani scoffed. "Of course I'm fucking serious! He's meant to be a really cool guy, he'd love to meet you."

"Who's a cool guy?"

"FUCKING ARCEUS SHITHEAD!" Leilani grabbed Pua's neck with one hand and a broken branch with the other, trying desperately to hold on as she began to slide off the trunk. "For the love of the gods, Ikky, can you announce yourself next time before you scream in my ear?"

"I called out to you two but you were busy gossiping!" Ikaika said defensively, making no effort to help right Leilani.

Pua glared at his friend as he hauled Leilani back up. "Thanks for the tip about the Bagon," he said sarcastically. "Was that genuine, or were you trying to make my mother angry with me?"

"Genuine!" Ikaika huffed, his thick afro shaking indignantly. "Bloody hell, I never would have come over here if I knew you two would be this grumpy."

"Well maybe say hello like a normal person and we won't need to be grumpy," Leilani scowled and clipped him around the ear. She watched him huffily, but still moved her legs so their friend could climb up.

The tree shuddered as Ikaika sank onto a trunk opposite them, his waistline spilling out of his cotton shirt and rolling over the sides. "I'm sorry you didn't find any," he said, pouting. "I swear I saw one earlier, but I guess it moved… or was something else… but yeah, sorry Rhydon hauled you away in front of everyone."

A bubble of guilt rose up Pua's throat. "That wasn't because of you. I should have paid more attention to the time, it's all my own fault." He forced a smile and tried to swallow the anger that seemed to be buzzing through his body.

"I guess… well, you can't blame me for the fact you looked like shit." Ikaika smiled proudly but uncertainly at his joke, but looked reassured as Leilani started sniggering. Quickly, a chorus of laughter rose up through the branches.

Pua sat there and smiled with his friends, but pretending to laugh would be pushing things. He didn't want to ruin either of their days, and after what Leilani had just passed on, he knew he could not keep his emotions in check if he started talking. Yet the shouting, the rage, the argument that never ended, it had been replaying in a loop ever since he had woken up and slipped out of the house and nothing seemed to quell it. It was easy to smirk at his sweaty face being dragged through the whole town; Pua just wished he didn't feel that way all the time.

A giant popping pulled him from his thoughts. "Have you heard the latest about those skull people?" Ikaika had brought his bag into the tree with him and was opening up a family sized bag of chips, greasy crumbs flying from his mouth.

"Team Skull? What have those losers done now?" Pua said a note too loudly; in his desperation to leave that morning, he had grabbed just an apple which he had already eaten, and Ikky had reminded him how hungry he was.

"They robbed an old lady who was walking her Meowth on the beach. Stole her watch and necklace, I think."

"That's awful," Leilani growled. "Honestly, Joshua needs to stop caring about the other regions and start giving those arseholes a beat down."

"Oh yeah, that was weird last night," Ikaika said with a full mouth. "I thought he was talking about Skull though. Why else is he bringing up Giovanni – I thought that guy was dead?"

Leilani, eyes rolling once more, began to respond, but before she could say more than a sarcastic syllable, something shot between them all. Pua and Ikaika both yelled as the bag of chips went flying out of the latter's hand before the object hit the unoccupied trunk. It bounced back towards Pua, who, in trying to protect his face, inadvertently caught it. He stared at it as if it was a foreign object, trying to work out why he was holding a football.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, please tell me that didn't hit anyone."

Pua paused, eyes locked on the black and white ball. He could feel his heart pounding in all parts of his body, the veins in his wrist and neck and ears pulsating rapidly. He could tell already from the accent, the words higher and faster than there were around here, who this was, but Pua couldn't dare look at him to confirm. He did not know what might happen.

"Ummm, is something wrong with him?"

"He's been a weirdo today, like normal," Ikaika said with a sharp laugh, and he snatched the ball from Pua's hands. Without anything to focus on, Pua had no choice but to look up. He shut his eyes for a second, bracing himself, and finally turned.

The blond boy from across the town square stood before him, framed by the arms of the trunk. The shade covered his face but his pale skin stood out, somehow making the white shirt of their uniform look dark. But now that he was up close, Pua could see more than just the obvious; oceanic blue eyes that matched their shorts, a mole just under his left ear, turquoise veins bulging slightly around his arms. This guy, whoever he was, was unlike anything he had seen on the island before.

"Pua's absolutely fine, aren't you Pua?"

Pua's eyes flickered briefly to catch Leilani's condescending face before switching back to the new boy. "I'm fine, yes, totally fine. I was just making sure the ball was… safe…"

"Safe?" The white boy said, faint yellow eyebrow arcing upwards.

"Yeah, you know, making sure it was… firm…" The last word came out in a choke, and Pua forced himself to cough and beat his chest. "Sorry, just swallowed some air."

The new boy nodded slowly, his top lip curled into a slight knowing smirk. "I've got you. I'm Chase, by the way," he added, extending a hand.

Pua looked at it as if a shit-covered stick had just been shoved in his face, and slid further up the trunk. Chase looked confused, but Ikaika lunged forwards and gripped the ignored hand. "I'm Ikaikia, but you can call me Ikky. He's Pua, she's Leilani. Are you our age? I didn't see you in class this morning."

"I'm sixteen, yeah," Chase said, casting an uncertain eye down on the firm grip around his hand. "I was just sorting out some details and stuff this morning, buying my uniform and everything. I'll be in after lunch though, I guess. It's going to be weird being in a class with, what, a fifth of the school at the time?"

"Small town, not enough kids," Leilani said simply, her eyes focused on the flowers though Pua could see her trying not to smile.

"I know, just a bit of a shock. We had much bigger classrooms back in Kanto."

"Kanto, eh?" Ikky said suspiciously. "Why are you here?"

"Here? You mean at school?" Chase's laugh was accented as well. Pua thought there was something almost musically quaint about how high it got.

"No, dingus. The island."

"Oh, right." Chase broke free of Ikky's grip and wiped his now greasy hand on his shorts. "My dad got offered a job here – it's a bit secretive, so I can't go into too much detail, but you'll be stuck with me for a while at least."

"What sort of job?" Pua blurted the words out before he had even processed them, and he retreated further up the tree.

"As I said, it's a secret," Chase said, his curious eyes boring into Pua. "I'm going to head back to the game. Nice meeting you all."

"Nice meeting you!" Ikky boomed, while Leilani just nodded.

Chase was already walking away when Pua realised he hadn't said anything, and without cause shouted the first thing that came to mind. "Your uniform looks… new…"

The blond boy stopped and turned back, not even trying to hide his smirk. "Thanks, man. Yours too." And with a parting chuckle, he ran back towards the field.

Before Pua's shame could take a hold of him, Leilani started cackling beside them. "What are you laughing about?" Ikky snorted.

"That boy is so fucking white!" She squealed. "How he hasn't caught on fire under this sun I will never know." Leilani doubled over on the spot as the laughter consumed her, tears suddenly running down her face. "I mean, Chase! Chase! What sort of fake ass name is that? And that fringe – is he trying to cosplay a Staraptor? Tapu Koko give me strength!"

Ikky frowned as Leilani continued to shake on the spot, nearly tipping out of the tree. "What is it with you two today? You're both being really weird." He rolled his eyes and climbed down from his trunk, bending over so he could retrieve his chips.

"Ikky, pull your pants up," Leilani squealed breathlessly through her sniggers. Pua averted his eyes from the exposed crack and began laughing himself, though even as Ikky continued to snap at them, he knew he wasn't laughing at that. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders; he had no idea why, but he was happy to embrace the feeling. He leaned back against the trunk and listened to a snorting Leilani and an indignant Ikky bicker, but he happily ignored them, letting his eyes be drawn towards the field as he wondered what class they had next.

 

[Ghostsoul]

but he forced himself not to let the pain show.

There's something odd about this sentence. 'He didn't want to let the pain show' is simpler and would perhaps flow better?

There was too much to say now, and it was not the type of conversation he could whisper in the middle of a packed classroom.

A lot of the sentences in the first section at least seem mostly long ones. It's probably a nit-pick but I would mix it up a bit.

"As we can see from this footage, Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres appeared and unleashed their fury. Without them, the Kantonian army would have fallen, and Team Rocket or the Rocket Project, whichever name you prefer, same difference, would have proved victorious. Of course, they returned twelve years later, but that is a story for another time. Now, any questions?"

I'm guessing the character is going to get a lot of lore exposition told to him by a character with more authority? I think having the character know some stuff for themselves would be nice.

The two were marching across the field at this point, heading to the one side bordered by trees rather than white wooden classrooms. Leilani through her bag against the roots of the pohutukawa tree that covered the northern corner of the field, the purple fabric kicking up the red flowers that sat in a heap atop the grass, and clambered onto the curved base of one of the trunks, resting her feet in the spot were all five spawned from the ground.

A nice bit of scene setting and environmental description in general. Really captures the vibe of the island.

I hate this fucking island. Something flickered passed his eyes as the thought crossed his mind; for a second, Pua thought he was actually seeing red.

I feel like this short section gives some good insight into Pua's character and the intent that will drive him through the rest of the plot.

Leilani, eyes rolling once more, began to respond, but before she could say more than a sarcastic syllable, something shot between them all.

I like the alteration in this sentence. It makes it feel original and witty.

oceanic blue eyes

Here's the love interest.

"That boy is so fucking white!" She squealed. "How he hasn't caught on fire under this sun I will never know."

Will racial issues/tensions (similar to that in the real world) be a part of this fic? It'll be interesting and somewhat unexpected to see them added, but that also depends on how you intend to handle them.

Another mostly exposition/scene setting based chapter which does rather well for itself in setting up the plot for later on. We learn more about Pua and what his daily life is like, and I think you capture high school life fairly well. The exposition and the plot is also well blended in most places, although having the protagonist told most of it might come across as a bit repetitive later on and imply that the protagonist lacks agency.

 

[diamondpearl876]

Pua had already talked so much about his home life that the impact was getting dulled; for her, it was another story of his mad mother, but for him, it was real life.

You do a pretty good job of expressing Pua's loneliness in terms of how his friends don't understand his home life. I feel like sometimes even people who know everything about you still don't automatically understand you. That's the kind of thing I'm getting from Pua about this, even if it's not a focus of the chapter.

I would have thought wars and exploding buildings was exactly your cup of tea."

I lol'd. PLAYED YOURSELF, DID YA?

The seven words hit him as solidly as a punch to the throat, and Pua sank back against the trunk. Through the branches, he could see the usual group of boys playing football, he could see their mouths moving, he could imagine them screaming. But he heard nothing. Only a faint buzzing that swelled inside his ears. He tried to move, but his body had gone numb, solid, as if it had sunken into the tree. With what felt like a great deal of effort, Pua turned his head back to Leilani, and it was only when he caught her barely restrained smile and her gleeful eyes that reality tuned back into focus.

"A league? An actual league?!"

So I wasn't sold on the description here. After Pua feeling punched in the throat, feeling numb, etc, I expected him to have some awfully strong feelings against the League, but no, he's excited for it. I just don't see that excitement in the description. I see surprise, though, which is part of it, but not in the good kind of surprise sense. If that makes sense.

Only other comments I have are on the scene introducing Chase formally. Pua was clearly losing his shit over him and acting really stupid/shy around him, which was adorable. :3 It was... honestly really awkward reading that scene, but that was the point, with Chase and Ikky and Leilani all going "what the fuck is wrong with you, man?" So that attests, to me, how well written the crush aspect was. Chase doesn't particularly stand out right now by himself outside of him not understanding some regional differents between Kanto vs Alola, nor did I get a good grasp on him, but his appearance was limited, so that's understandable.

I agree racial issues and tensions being part of this will be interesting. Honestly, it's a thing I expect to see a lot more in Pokemon fiction, given the fact that, well, there's plenty of regions to work with. Probably the closest thing I've seen is "oh, you're from this region? freakin' loser" but not actually anything that delves into race or ethnicity on a deeper level... which makes sense, since it's a sensitive subject, but it can be handled fine. That said, Leilani's comments are pretty ignorant and rude, but that's the point right now and should serve for interesting character interactions/development in the future.

 

[Flaze]

Pua eyes darted across the thick

should be Pua's eyes

He was the one who had told him

This isn't actually wrong, I just think that "He was the one that told him" would probably work better.

He was left only with only his reflection

You have only twice here

Leilani through her bag against the roots of the pohutukawa tree

threw

So it wasn’t till I started reading this that I realized that I haven’t read anything from you (besides 8ES) since Dawn of Darkness, so I was actually looking forward to this.

Chapter 1

Some of the things I like the most out of chapter one is how you set up the scene, from the first part with Pua running where you show us the pain an exhaustion he’s feeling interspersed with his feelings of fear for being late, to the part where he arrives at the church and you create a vivid image of the sun falling over the building and giving it an unsettling vibe, your description’s at the top.

Otherwise chapter 1 is a set up chapter but I think it’s your best set up chapter yet (I haven’t read the edited 8ES) and you manage to establish a good set of characters, along with what I’m sure will be the basic themes of the story all in an enjoyable way that makes me want to read more.

Pua in particular is different enough from the protagonists of Dawn of Darkness and 8ES (the two other stories from you I’ve read) to stand on his own and give the story a different feel than those previously mentioned. He’s ambitious and kind of playful, not quite a troublemaker but also not someone that’s happy following orders. His little “secret” which is made pretty obvious also makes me interested in how you’ll take the story.

Then there are all the nods to your other stories and also the establishing of Alola in your universe, which both expands on the Alola of the games but also gives it a bit of a darker, more realistic edge, like looking at the possible chinks in a society like the one the games present.

Chapter 2

In retrospect I think the most interesting aspect so much is seeing your take on SM and USUM’s stories, mostly because so far the plots seem really different, with the exception of Hala, Kukui and the Pokemon school. Like I said about chapter 1, it’s a different take on Alola, a region whose traditions are fun but shown as different from what we’re used to in the games. Here you, again, show us the downside of those traditions.

What’s funny to me is when I contrast this with something like 8ES or DoD, stories that also involved their protagonists being disillusioned with the way their lives went and how the places they lived in treated them and their world view. In general I guess a running theme in your stories is young people trying to carve out their own place in the world, which is a staple of adventure stories and YA stories in general.

Pua continues to be an interesting protagonist if a somewhat passive one so far and I hope we get to learn a bit more about Chase soon. What jumped at me the most was mentioning Kukui and how his Pokemon League idea isn’t approved, assuming you have Hala join his league like he does in the games I assume that part of the story will revolve around convincing the Kahunas (the battling ones) of the region that a league is a good idea.

Issue wise I guess it gets a bit confusing to figure out where everyone is sitting during lunch time. I wasn't sure if they were sitting atop or underneath a tree with the way everything was described.

Either way, you have a pretty interesting set up so far and managed to let us know the characters somewhat, now we’ll just have to see where you take it or rather where you’ll take Pua and his friends.

 

[kintsugi]

some random prenote

hello it me

useless/nitpicks

Praise Arceus for inventing the bubble bath, he thought with a grimace and started sprinting.

This actually made me ask two questions, both of which are tiny in the grand scheme of things. 1. Do Alolan natives worship Arceus as their primary deity? Not “we accept that Arceus is the canonical creator of the universe”, but “if I had to thank a patron god, I’m gonna pick the one from Sinnoh”. And 2, does the kid whose first line is “SHIT” believably get to be thankful for bubble baths a few paragraphs later?

his decision to try and run several kilometres in mere minutes

The current world record held by an adult Olympian is approximately 0.745 km/min, sprinting. Granted, the definition of “try”, “several”, and “mere” leads to some flexibility here, but some random internet sources tell me that kids sprint at about 0.4333 km/min, so even sprinting 1 kilometer is probably a lot.


characters/narration

I thought this was really strong stuff. In particular I think you captured Pua’s inner narrative really well here; stuff like this:

In Pua's defence, it wasn't his fault. It was Ikaika's. He was the one who had told him about the nest of Bagon, so really, Pua should point his mother in Ikky's direction when she inevitably wanted to unleash her rage. Admittedly, Pua could have gotten some more information as to the Pokémon's exact location before searching the entirety of Route 3 for them, but surely he couldn't be blamed for their elusiveness.

where he’s debating all the conversations/counter-arguments that he’s going to have to have ready, only for the grim

Who the fuck am I kidding. She'll never buy that.

is pretty hilarious and simultaneously realistic.


worldbuilding/setting

These are regions that allow the battling of Pokémon to be at the very height of their government. These are regions that view their gods beneath them; that put them on the same level as Rattata and Pikipek and allow them to become the property of children!

why hello there

I like this dilemma that you’re opening up here. That’s really all I have to say. It fits well with Alola, it fits well with the nature of this story so far, and it’s overall an interesting question that I’m excited to see you address.

I pray that you all stand with me and swear to Solgaleo, to Lunala, to Tapu Koko, swear to them that you will not let these foreign poisons seep into our shores!

And this creates an interesting AU in which colonialism didn’t happen if we all just promised the guy with the non-native name that we didn’t want it to happen.

This does open up a kind of weird series of questions that I don’t think I’m equipped to answer, but: if this Alola actually a less-colonial version of Polynesia, then I don’t think the western vision of the church fits. As far as I know, pews/churches, and specifically the idea of one guy speaking his interpretation of the culture’s religion to the rest of the culture is a very western concept that, if Joshua’s “don’t adopt the foreign ideas” sermon is to hold any water, doesn’t really belong here.


overall/misc.

I typed this up and cozied into bed before realizing you wrote a second chapter. I’m sorry lol I’ll come back for it later.

I’m utter shit at analyzing first chapters. This was a good read—your style flows naturally here, and yeah the kids swear a lot and everyone shits on each other, but that’s something I don’t think I’ll be able to review you out of. I do agree that it’s a bit jarring to see that all the major characters in the story are so foul-mouthed—I’m admittedly the most curse-heavy out of all of my friends, and I stick out like a sore thumb because of it. I imagine the same would only be even more true if I were 14.

One of your review responses was that the church isn’t a major focus of your story, which is fine, but by nature of it having such a dominant role in the first chapter, it feels like it’s going to be huge in the story. Even if I do secretly know that it’s more about a throwaway line (“He had been on edge ever since he had told her his secret a few weeks ago”) than the thing that Pua runs to, attends, and then shits on for the entirety of the intro.

Anyway. Overall good stuff here. Your characters and style are strong here, and while I have no idea where the premise is actually going, I’m excited enough by your setting that I’m looking forward to reading the rest later!

 

[AceTrainer14]

Figured it was about time I replied to some of these! I am not responding to complimentary stuff as I would just say thank you a lot, so in summary: thank you! A lot!

I'm guessing the character is going to get a lot of lore exposition told to him by a character with more authority? I think having the character know some stuff for themselves would be nice.

He is at school, it is stuff more for the reader's sake and for setting up the discussion later. As Leilani shows, this stuff that is already familiar to them/common knowledge.

although having the protagonist told most of it might come across as a bit repetitive later on and imply that the protagonist lacks agency.

Again, mostly just setting up. I don't think finding out stuff implies a lack or strength in anyway. You could argue most heroic characters in a lot of YA and even above lack agency if they should automatically know everything.

So I wasn't sold on the description here. After Pua feeling punched in the throat, feeling numb, etc, I expected him to have some awfully strong feelings against the League, but no, he's excited for it. I just don't see that excitement in the description. I see surprise, though, which is part of it, but not in the good kind of surprise sense. If that makes sense.

Fair point. I will attempt to re-examine.

Will racial issues/tensions (similar to that in the real world) be a part of this fic? It'll be interesting and somewhat unexpected to see them added, but that also depends on how you intend to handle them.

I agree racial issues and tensions being part of this will be interesting. Honestly, it's a thing I expect to see a lot more in Pokemon fiction, given the fact that, well, there's plenty of regions to work with. Probably the closest thing I've seen is "oh, you're from this region? freakin' loser" but not actually anything that delves into race or ethnicity on a deeper level... which makes sense, since it's a sensitive subject, but it can be handled fine. That said, Leilani's comments are pretty ignorant and rude, but that's the point right now and should serve for interesting character interactions/development in the future.

Racial tensions will be a small part of the fic, more from a traditional, cultural sense. There will also be, as you may tell from the sermon, some regional conflicts that come into it. I would not describe Leilani as rude, just flippant. I can see how it could be read that way, given I am writing based on personal experiences in my home country (Pakeha / Pasifika relations in my experience have been quite jocular, mostly as there isn't much awkward racial tension between our cultures XD)

What’s funny to me is when I contrast this with something like 8ES or DoD, stories that also involved their protagonists being disillusioned with the way their lives went and how the places they lived in treated them and their world view. In general I guess a running theme in your stories is young people trying to carve out their own place in the world, which is a staple of adventure stories and YA stories in general.

I have never really thought of it that way, but I can see that reading. I think Alaska and Viktor have different motivations and rationales, but Pua is probably closest to young Cynthia in terms of his reasons for hating his situation.

I assume that part of the story will revolve around convincing the Kahunas (the battling ones) of the region that a league is a good idea.

This story is set before the game canon. There will be references in future chapters to the Aether Foundation pyramid being constructed.

Issue wise I guess it gets a bit confusing to figure out where everyone is sitting during lunch time. I wasn't sure if they were sitting atop or underneath a tree with the way everything was described.

I would recommend googling a Pohutakawa; it is often a multi-trunked tree, so they grow very differently to most others.

1. Do Alolan natives worship Arceus as their primary deity? Not “we accept that Arceus is the canonical creator of the universe”, but “if I had to thank a patron god, I’m gonna pick the one from Sinnoh”

Arceus is wildly accepted as the creator of the universe and is worshipped as the head diety, but the different regions are 'protected' by different legendaries (Birds, Beats, Golems, Lake, Musketeers, Aura, Tapus). Ancient temples to Lunala and Solgaleo are in Alola so they are worshipped there as well.

does the kid whose first line is “SHIT” believably get to be thankful for bubble baths a few paragraphs later?

I am not sure what you mean here. Does swearing mean you can't enjoy a bubble bath?

The current world record held by an adult Olympian is approximately 0.745 km/min, sprinting. Granted, the definition of “try”, “several”, and “mere” leads to some flexibility here, but some random internet sources tell me that kids sprint at about 0.4333 km/min, so even sprinting 1 kilometer is probably a lot.

Of course you fucking googled it XD Creative license, I make no apologies.

And this creates an interesting AU in which colonialism didn’t happen if we all just promised the guy with the non-native name that we didn’t want it to happen.

This does open up a kind of weird series of questions that I don’t think I’m equipped to answer, but: if this Alola actually a less-colonial version of Polynesia, then I don’t think the western vision of the church fits. As far as I know, pews/churches, and specifically the idea of one guy speaking his interpretation of the culture’s religion to the rest of the culture is a very western concept that, if Joshua’s “don’t adopt the foreign ideas” sermon is to hold any water, doesn’t really belong here.

The GVerse is its own world, and most real life stuff has little to do with this world. I live down the road from two Polynesian churches which are both western but also incorporate their own cultures, and that is where I have drawn my inspiration from. It is a mix of real world experiences and my own spin and worldy creations. I can understand the issue some have this aspect, but I feel it is best to read it as is rather than compare it to real world churches that don't have much ground here.

yeah the kids swear a lot and everyone shits on each other, but that’s something I don’t think I’ll be able to review you out of. I do agree that it’s a bit jarring to see that all the major characters in the story are so foul-mouthed—I’m admittedly the most curse-heavy out of all of my friends, and I stick out like a sore thumb because of it. I imagine the same would only be even more true if I were 14.

Firstly, they are 15/16 Secondly, I consider it quite naturally and don't really see it as a big deal, but that is my life and culture and the way I and basically everyone in NZ has been brought up. This is pretty tame compared to how my classmates were at this age and younger. It is worth noting that Leilani is the sassier, more swearer one, while Pua has sworn much less. This aspect will develop throughout the story.

One of your review responses was that the church isn’t a major focus of your story, which is fine, but by nature of it having such a dominant role in the first chapter, it feels like it’s going to be huge in the story. Even if I do secretly know that it’s more about a throwaway line (“He had been on edge ever since he had told her his secret a few weeks ago”) than the thing that Pua runs to, attends, and then shits on for the entirety of the intro.

I meant more that the church is not the central focus of the story. The use of the church for the introduction was to set up several conflicts in all major characters and more to highlight the town itself. Again, I hope this side of things will develop during the story.


Once again, thanks all of you for the nice words. I hope to read more of your thoughts for many more chapters to come.

 

[kintsugi]

Spoiler

I am not sure what you mean here. Does swearing mean you can't enjoy a bubble bath?

It does not, but in a literary context--the words that you pick here are critical for establishing Pua's character, especially since it's so early for him/the story. For me, the bubble bath line comes off as rather discongruous, as there's not much in this chapter or the next chapter to reinforce that aspect of his personality, but there's a lot of the "SHIT"/anger/angst. Characters are multifaceted and you've written them as such in the past, but I don't think this line carries that weight very well.

Of course you fucking googled it XD Creative license, I make no apologies.

I googled it because initially I had a hunch that it would be impossible to run "several" kilometers in a mere minutes (a good adult man's 5K time is around 13 minutes), and then I wanted to provide numbers to show how impossible this would be. It's less creative license and more the need to headcanon that the kids in Alola are smoking some serious shit if they can all run this fast.

The GVerse is its own world, and most real life stuff has little to do with this world. I live down the road from two Polynesian churches which are both western but also incorporate their own cultures, and that is where I have drawn my inspiration from. It is a mix of real world experiences and my own spin and worldy creations. I can understand the issue some have this aspect, but I feel it is best to read it as is rather than compare it to real world churches that don't have much ground here.

I understand this, which is why I was hesitant to open this can of worms; I know you put a lot of work into the worldbuilding here. I guess what struck me as odd here was that you took a lot of the surface level Polynesian details -- pareos and names such as Pua/Leilani, for example -- but the church felt out of place because the real world stuff you're borrowing didn't seem to happen in this version of Alola. If one of the main points of this chapter is that Alola is very much uninfluenced by foreigners even as foreign influence comes a-calling + the world you've built does have clear calls to real world Polynesian culture (like the ones outlined above), then it seems weird to neglect such a key aspect of Polynesian culture, specifically all of the culture they had before foreign influence came a-calling.

chapter 2
They go to school! I think you sold this pretty well: you have a nice merger between what I assume is drastic foreshadowing (or poking shade at the rest of the g-verse) and some neat character building moments for Leilani. Overall this was a pretty clever way of getting exposition in the story--we get a good idea of what's happening in the world/what's coming for Alola, but it doesn't feel forced. Good stuff here; I really liked the classroom scene.

The classrooms had not been updated since the fifties when they were built, just like the morals of everyone that passed through. They just sat there, packed tightly together like a prefabricated maze, expecting you to be happy simply because the gods demanded it.

When the move outside, I get a little less sold. So far, there's nothing really to justify Pua's level of angst to the reader. In chapter one, he was running across an idyllic island to get to a ceremony that he didn't want to go to, and then listening to a speech he didn't like, and then talking about the speech. In chapter two, he goes to class and his friend doesn't agree with the teacher. The closest thing we get to something "wrong" is the council's rejection of Kukui's League idea, and even then, there's a lot of reason for that in canon that seems to apply here too -- it's infrastructurally infeasible to overhaul the Trial system overnight, the idea of Champion goes against most of the morals/ideals shown in Alola, and there's really nothing inherently wrong with the Trials except that they're not-a-League.

So far we've seen a lot of Pua's anger toward the world around him, but I haven't seen much for him to actually be angry about. At best so far it's a difference in opinions, but then throwing around "prefabricated maze" and stuff feels melodramatic, even for a teenager. It's a weird problem, because a lot of Pua's anger stems from not interacting with the outside world -- but if you don't interact with the outside world because your elders are systematically throttling the information that gets to you, then it's hard to know what you're even missing out on.
The rest of the chapter is really cute, though. Pua is hilariously awkward and I love it.

a random useless thing:

Leilani made sure to turn to him as she rolled her eyes, big and brown like two cups of coffee.

Perhaps this is the literalist in me, but this metaphor had me lost. Are two cups of coffee more brown than one cup of coffee? Is coffee big to begin with?

 

[AceTrainer14]

Characters are multifaceted and you've written them as such in the past, but I don't think this line carries that weight very well.

I see your point but also still disagree. Again, I think this comes down to a view on 'bad language'. Correct me if I am wrong, but I am reading this as though swearing = bad/naughty, bubble baths = good/innocence or something like that. I can understand the clash, but I included the bubble aspect for a specific reason for the overall tone and direction of the story, and to replace it with a shower or normal bath would be going against the core of the character. Characters as in humans are multifaceted and are allowed to like things which seem like a clash but would not occur as such to them.

It's less creative license and more the need to headcanon that the kids in Alola are smoking some serious shit if they can all run this fast.

I do appreciate the science, and I may alter it to be a slightly longer period, though given how the route is set up in the game, I do not think the run from field-across bridge-bottom of hill would be that long - indeed, Pua could be exaggerating it in his head out of his fear to get there on time.

If we start applying real-world science to the physical limitations of humans in the GVerse, we might as well just kill off most of Pua's worldy neighbours right now XD I have established in other parts of the GVerse that, through the conflict with Pokemon over the centuries, a sort of fast-tracked survival of the fittest evolution has occurred, making humans more capable and resistant of things than we are (i.e. strength, recovery times, bone density), so I do would imagine speed would fall under this. I appreciate you may not have read it, nor should anyone reading this know that, but it is my own justification for the implausible survival of pretty much all of my characters.

If one of the main points of this chapter is that Alola is very much uninfluenced by foreigners even as foreign influence comes a-calling + the world you've built does have clear calls to real world Polynesian culture (like the ones outlined above), then it seems weird to neglect such a key aspect of Polynesian culture, specifically all of the culture they had before foreign influence came a-calling.

The world is also influenced by Alola itself rather than solely an interpretation of the real world, so the church was a combination of the building in Iki Town and my own interpretation of the current lifestyle. Alola is far more advanced a place than many Pacific islands are - one would only need to look at the devastating effects of Gita this week across the region to see that the world created by Game Freak, whilst likely more Hawaiian than my world, is far away from the modern realities of these islands. As I have not been to Hawaii and cannot speak for Hawaiian culture, I have used my own world view growing up around NZ Pasifika and what is presented to us to write my own reality and to justify the world of Alola. Having a more traditional Polynesian church may feel more realistic to some, but I think to take the real world Western influences out of that part of the story would then make the modern world the story resides in more jarring and extremely out of place and not fitting with what I want to write anyway. The traditional elements I took from things I have encountered myself, things that have not been stifled or lost under Western influences, and do not feel do not work in this particular world.

So far, there's nothing really to justify Pua's level of angst to the reader.

So far we've seen a lot of Pua's anger toward the world around him, but I haven't seen much for him to actually be angry about.

I think there are plenty of clues and signs as to why he feels trapped and stifled by the world, including things you have mentioned in your own review. I accept that I have yet to state blatantly "I feel this because of blah", but I aiming not to do that in this story. Both chapters of the story I feel clearly indicate why he had to be at church; it was not something he ran to simply because he had to be there, as your own quotes and notes have highlighted, he legitimately felt he had to be there even if it killed him defying all logic to run there in time.

As to his anger; again, I have even yet to explicitly discuss one part of him in blatant terms, but there are open clues to it that I think you could find your answers in. To note, I am not totally rejecting your criticism in any way, but I want to make clear I am trying a quieter pace and tone for this story and don't intend to make as many grand statements about character motivations and rationales as Alaska so often does XD

Perhaps this is the literalist in me, but this metaphor had me lost. Are two cups of coffee more brown than one cup of coffee? Is coffee big to begin with?

We are in total agreement here. I hated it but couldn't think of anything else, have been waiting for someone to point out what a stupid sentence it is XD

 

[AceTrainer14]

The Paradise Professor

The knock echoed throughout the house. It was like a jolt had been fired through Pua's body; one second, he was lying on his bed, eyes shut, thinking about sandy hair and ocean blue eyes, the next, the whole house seemed to be shaking.

Pua bolted upright the second he heard it. Don't tell me Joshua's been right all along, he thought with grim shame. He could hear his mother's thunderous footsteps as she rose to answer the summons, but the sound was drowned by his own pounding heart. No one ever called around on a Saturday. It was basically outlawed around here. If someone was at their door, Pua knew it was bad news.

Why did it have to be today?It would be just Pua's luck to have his whole world implode on a Saturday. It was the only day of the week he actually looked forward to, and that alone meant he was usually terrified something would go wrong. Only on Saturday could he truly be himself, the one day he could drop the performance that came with school and church; forcing a smile, pretending he was happy to be there, acting as though everything was normal. Pua knew the anxiety and resentment he felt in these places was not unique to him, but he was confident that this burden he felt was his to bare by himself, and that alone made the whole situation effortlessly worse.

Saturday, though. Saturdays were magical. They were quiet, peaceful, relaxing, every superlative he could think of. Once he closed his bedroom door, once the eyes of the world were off him, Pua felt like a weight had been lifted. There was no pressure on him on Saturdays, no urge to be one way or the other; he was simply himself and Pua only wished there were more hours in the day so he could feel this free for longer.

Unless, of course, someone arrived unexpectedly. Pua sat on the edge of his bed, his whole body tense, straining to hear who it was. He checked the window, making sure he had pulled the blinds shut before beginning, but he wouldn't put anything past his nosy neighbours. He looked at his alarm and saw a minute had passed since the knocking had stopped; whatever conversation was unfolding below, it was at least being held in muted tones.

By the time two minutes had passed, curiosity had become to overwhelm his fear. Oh fuck it, I'm not waiting here for my sentence. Pua zipped his jeans and readjusted himself before creeping towards the door and opening it a crack.

"RUFF!"

Pua jumped backwards as his door was flung open. "Rocky!" He hissed as the Rockruff bounded inside.

"RUFF!" Rocky responded. He was so excited he seemed to forget his own strength, leaping about and crashing into things with more force than his small body would suggest, before leaping onto the bed and stared expectantly at his master. He normally spent most of the weekend in here that he undoubtedly thought Pua shutting him out was some sort of game – Pua didn't know how to explain to a Pokémon that it was one, one only one person could play.

"Pua Kealoha!"

Fuck me. "Look what you've done!" Pua huffed at his dog. He straightened up and took a deep breath before swinging the door fully open, bracing himself for whatever came next.

The walk down the stairs, past photos of him as a baby, grandparents and aunts and uncles he barely remembered, the wedding photo his mother inexplicably still had up, normally only took a few seconds, but Pua felt it drag on, each footstep feeling like an hour's effort. Most Saturdays he was able to find his mother tolerable, the atmosphere between them defused enough that the two could have a civil, sometimes pleasant, conversation if they ended up in the same room. Yet the tone of her voice still reverberating through his head did not fill Pua with confidence that they would be having a friendly chat.

Just let it happen quickly whatever it is. Pua paused on the bottom step, trying to steady his breathe and arrange his face delicately. He had emerged into the heart of their living room, a room he normally described quite generously as 'cosy' but today might as well have been the size of a football pitch.

His mother before the front door, her wide frame obscuring whoever had come calling. Her face, as ever, was hard to read; it was twisted in thunderous rage, but that was no different to normal. "What was that blasted dog of yours doing down here?" Anahera boomed, her eyebrows joining together as they rose threateningly up her forehead.

"I was trying to do some homework, he was distracting me." It was the first lie that popped into his head and even Pua didn't believe it; Rocky was sitting obediently by his feet, for once pretending to be the good boy Pua had always promised his mother he would be.

"Homework? You didn't say you had homework."

"It was just a little bit, got it done now."

Anahera made a pondering noise, casting her icy glare up and down her son. "Well, if you are all caught up on your work then, I suppose I can let your friend in."

You didn't even know I had homework until two seconds ago, Pua thought icily, but his momentary bitterness vanished as Leilani slipped into the house behind his mother. "What are you doing here?" He asked, relieved, delighted but cautious all in one.

"Oh, you know me. I just happened to be in the neighbourhood and thought I'd pop on by," Leilani said with a casual shrug, though her eyes shone mischievously. "And how are you doing today, Miss Kealoha?"

Anahera's eyebrows somehow narrowed further. "Fine, thank you Leilani, even though you've already asked me that," she said with obvious suspicion. "Is this just a social call?"

Leilani withered slightly under the retort but carried on regardless. "Well, actually, I was wondering if Pua and Rocky would want to come for a walk. Helena was going to join me but she's had to go to work, and I'd rather not go alone right now. You know, with everything that's happening," she added, her face suddenly, dramatically serious.

It did the trick though. "No, of course not, you can't do that; a young lady shouldn't be walking on her own right now!" Anahera was suddenly animated, her eyes widening as her thick hands edged their way towards her faux pearl necklace. "Those Skull hoodlums are absolute nightmares, this whole situation is an utter disgrace. We've been far too lenient on them, I've been saying that for weeks!"

"Oh, I absolutely agree," Leilani said in her most scandalised voice, clutching Anahera's wrist and trying to avoid meeting Pua's eyes.

"I've been meaning to talk with your father about this actually. Surely the police could have done something by now to stop them."

"Why don't you ask Tapu Koko to electrocute them," Pua muttered.

Anahera's head turned swiftly. "If you are going to say something, Pua, you have to speak up, no one can hear you when you mumble!" She glowered at him silently for a moment before her face relaxed. "Alright, you can go with Leilani. And take that dirty dog with you. Arceus knows he would be of more use biting one of those little pests on the willy then he is making a mess in here!"

"I had no idea Rocky had such good aim," Leilani said, smirking for a moment before Anahera turned her gaze to her. An awkward silence lingered as Pua fussed about with Rocky's collar, struggling to contain the enthusiastic dog as the excitement of the situation made him spin around on the spot.

"I'll be back before sundown," Pua said as he slipped into his shoes and scurried out the door, moving quickly before his mother could change her mind.

"It was nice seeing you, Miss Kealoha!" Leilani called.

Anahera said nothing, simply watching them from the doorway. "You need to put some meat on those bones, girl. No one wants to marry a skinny little girl."

"What, I need to eat more?" Leilani gasped. "You know, no one has ever told me that before!"

Anahera's eyes narrowed. "No one wants to marry a cheeky girl either," she said stiffly. She stepped back into the house but did not close the door; Pua could feel her eyes on them as they walked down the street. He did not look back until they were about to turn the corner, and he saw the door was still ajar, her wide frame visible through the crack.

Leilani waited until they were out of view behind a small forest before groaning loudly. "Fuck sake, that was intense."

"Shhhh!" Pua hissed. "She might hear you!"

"Oh please," Leilani scoffed. "If she can hear us from here, surely she'd be able to hear what you were doing before I knocked."

Pua's face went instantly red. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

Leilani smiled as she glanced down at his pants. "Your top button's undone. I was only joking, but glad to see I know you so well."

"You whore!" Pua groaned, whacking her on the shoulder before fixing his pants.

"That's me," Leilani sniggered and began power walking ahead with exaggerated enthusiasm, forcing Pua to jog to keep up.

"Where are we going anyway?"

"A walk, just like I said," Leilani replied innocently, though her glowing eyes betrayed her.

"Pull the other one, what are you up to?"

Leilani powered ahead, practically breaking into a sprint. "You'll see!" She yelled. "Come on Rocky, let's go for a run!"

The Rockruff needed no encouragement. "RUFF!" He howled and lunged after her.

"No!" Pua groaned, letting out an involuntary yelp as Rocky jerked forwards, nearly yanking his arm out as he led the way down the hill.

The path ahead of them was bare, a dirt track well worn by the locals bordered by grass of varying lengths and a scattering of palm trees that swayed slowly in the breeze. They didn't offer much shelter from the heat, nor did could they reverse the thick mugginess that forever engulfed the island like an invisible duvet; it only took a minute before Pua was panting, sweat coating his neck and face, his legs complaining at the unexpected sprint.

Next time I'm just going to let Rhydon walk in on me. At least she would have killed me quickly. Anything's better than this torture.

"Enjoying yourself yet?" Leilani called back teasingly.

"No!"

Her groan echoed up the hill. "Can't you stop hating everything for five minutes? Look around you, bro – we're in fucking paradise!" She lifted her arms above her head and spun around, cackling madly. Rocky leapt up, trying to copy her, and fell clumsily back to earth, landing on his face but carrying on as though it hadn't happened.

Pua frowned at the thought. Palm trees, warm air, the constant breeze, it was all he had ever known, and it simply passed him by. What was paradise to tourists was simply reality to him. Yet Pua found Leilani's words sticking. He stared out at the ocean, watching the sapphire sparkle of the undisturbed surface; he felt the sun burning against his neck; he breathed in the sea air and felt it reach into his soul. No matter where I end up, I don't think I will ever see anything as beautiful as this, Pua thought, finally managing a smile. If only the people were different, I think I could live here forever.

Imbued with the thought, Pua let his inhibitions go and lost himself in the run. The world passed by without interruption, the path empty except for them, Leilani leading the way in silence, only her heavy breathes escaping her lips. It was easy to lose track of themselves, the sloped path and uneven hills around them offering little in the way of variety.

It was only when Pua felt the scorched earth beneath his feet soften that he started to notice the world again. The grass on either side of the path remained thick and rustling, but the slope had flattened out and sand dunes had begun to appear on his left, getting taller and sparser the more they jogged. Suddenly, Leilani turned left, heading down a well-trodden track completely covered by windswept sand. Pua began to tense as he followed her down, eyeing the ocean ahead of them was beginning to reach their level.

"Where exactly are we going?" He shouted, voice wobbling with fear. He wanted to hold onto this uninhibited glee, but the sound of crashing waves getting louder filled his aching body with ice.

Leilani slowed to a jog and turned to face him, catching his concern. "Don't worry, we're going there." She pointed towards the edge of the beach where a lone house sat, a two storey property wider than it was tall with a backyard the size of the Iki Town Square, uncut grass fluttering long and free in the breeze.

Pua stopped entirely. Rocky tugged at the lead, whining to carry on, but Pua was too confused to notice. "There? Isn't that some rich Unovian's holiday home?" The property was well known throughout the town. Pua remembered it had been damaged during a storm, and the owner had hoped to use the opportunity to build a small apartment complex. Yet when Hala and other locals fought the application process, the man had simply abandoned it, leaving it as an eyesore the locals could do nothing to change.

Leilani started to smile. "It was, until Professor Kukui brought it."

It took Pua a moment to process what she had said. "Kukui? The guy you were telling me about? This is his lab?" His heart, already racing from the run, started pounding faster. "This is his lab? Is he here?"

"Nah, I just thought I'd make you run all the way here just to update you on the local property market." Leilani rolled her eyes and started to walk towards the property. "You coming?"

A million emotions were going through Pua's brain, the news too shocking for him to focus on a single one, nor to control what he said. "You could have warned me!" He spluttered, aware of how pathetic he sounded. "I might have –"

"Might have what? Wore a suit and tie? Helena only called me a few minutes before I knocked on your door. He's only making a flying visit today while she is still setting up, just be glad I even bothered to bring you along."

"Literally," Pua muttered.

Leilani's eyebrows rose threateningly. "Literally what?"

"A flying visit." Still processing the news, Pua could barely manage those three words. He simply raised a hand and pointed at the sky, unable to tear his eyes away.
A large Flying type was fast approaching, a feathery rocket coming into land. He had never seen one in the flesh before, but Pua knew the species straight away: Braviary, the Valiant Pokémon. Unova native, though flocks are known to migrate to Poni Island for winter. The crimson and cobalt feathers were unmistakable, nothing like the simple black and white of the Pikipek that populated the island. Pua was so engrossed he only slightly registered how fast the Braviary was flying, focused more on the wings tucked tightly against its body, the proud beak pointing straight at them, the man shadowed by sunlight gripped tightly on top.

"Move!" Leilani cried, and Pua felt her hands shove him aside. A second later, the Braviary shot by, passing them by centimetres; sand caught in its slipstream showered over the trio, forcing Pua and Leilani to shield their eyes.

"Wow, what a near miss! You two ok?"

Pua's heart skipped a beat. He forgot about the heat. He forgot about his tired body. He forgot about the sea and the sand and the house. He forgot about everything except the words floating through his brain. That voice, he thought, biting his lip. It was deep yet soft all in one, like aural velvet. He could barely see through his watering eyes, but the sound of footsteps muffled by sand was distinguishable enough, and, blinking furiously, Pua turned towards the professor.

He could not help but gasp. The voice had been one thing, but Pua had still expected someone much older, probably with grey hair and sagging skin. But Kukui defied everything. His skin, as smooth and dark as polished wood, was taut around his rigid jaw, presenting them with a face that could have belonged at Pua's school or in one of his mother's catalogues. He had inky hair pulled back into a slick bun, a colour that glistened like onyx under the sun. He wore board shorts and a loose fitting, unzipped jumper and only that; he was muscular but slim, with symmetrically perfect pecs above a tight, muscular if undefined stomach. Pua had rarely seen anything like him before, and he had to resist the urge to reach out and touch him.

"You alright there, mate?"

Pua jolted backwards, blushing and looking away as Kukui peered at him. "Um, yes, I'm fine, totally fine," he stuttered. He started coughing violently, somehow hoping that would help. He looked to Leilani for guidance but her eyes seemed to have locked onto a nipple each.

Kukui followed Pua's line of sight and his face lit up. "Oh wow, you must be Leilani, right? Wow, you look exactly like Helena!"

"Oh really, do I?" Leilani replied sheepishly, only meeting his eyes for a second before looking away and giggling.

"She told me you might come around at some point. It's nice to finally meet you." Kukui extended his left hand and smiled, his teeth as frighteningly perfect. Leilani looked at the hand as if it was made of gold and delicately shook it.

When they separated, Kukui, appearing nonplussed by all this, looked back at Pua. "I'm afraid I don't know who you are."

Pua eagerly thrust his own hand forwards. "I'm Pua. Kealoha!" He added loudly, blushing as he heard himself.

"John Kukui, I'm the new professor, though I'm guessing you already knew that," Kukui said, chuckling. Pua and Leilani looked at each other briefly before bursting into laughter; Pua could hear the artificial, high pitched sound coming out of his mouth but somehow lacked the ability to make it stop.

Kukui remained unfazed, his smile never fading. "Alright, I need to get inside and get some clothes on. You cool guys want the grand tour?"

"Yes," Leilani said with great urgency.

"Awesome! Let's get in there!" Kukui turned and whistled, and they all watched as Braviary let out a mighty squawk and launched itself towards the house. Kukui signalled for them to move before following after himself.

"He knew my name," Leilani whispered, fanning her face with both hands. "Good lord, I think I just got pregnant."

"You will be if you keep this up. Could you have sounded any more desperate?"

Leilani shot Pua a fiery glance. "Boy please, you would have gone down on him in an instant if he had looked at you the right way.

"Don't be gross," Pua scoffed, though his eyes did lock onto Kukui's bright blue shorts as he strutted up the stairs. The wooden panels creaked as Pua, Leilani and Rocky followed him up, a sound that continued across the deck and all the way into the house.

"Yeah, it's a little worn out," Kukui said without them asking. "It was the only place big enough to host a lab that I could afford though, so oh well!" He shrugged his powerful shoulder before pulling off the jumper and picking up a long white coat from atop a pile of boxes. "Welcome to Professor Kukui's lab!"

Pua gazed around, awestruck. The elements of its holiday home past were immediately clear: wooden panels covered every surface, from the floor to the roof to even the kitchen countertop in the corner, presumably meant to give it a coastal feel but it reminded Pua of a cabin in the woods. There was only one room separate to the giant living space, presumably a bathroom, with a ladder next to it leading to a loft. Through the maze of boxes that covered every surface, Pua could see a staircase leading to a lower floor, though he had no idea what would be down there.

Kukui seemed to read Pua's mind. "Yeah, let's not go down there," he said nervously, tugging at his bun. "The previous owner decided not to drain the basement after it flooded. Who would have thought building a house on the edge of a beach would lead to so much dampness?" He laughed with dwindling enthusiasm.

"Are you going to have that fixed?" Leilani said, eyebrows raised sceptically.

"Oh, for sure man!" Kukui said, rearranging his frown into a blinding grin. "I had an engineer friend look over everything for me before I bought the place, he's working out a plan to reinforce and storm proof the whole building. Going to cost a lot, but hey, at least I scored this sweet pad for next to nothing. Can't believe the guy basically gave it away – I mean, look at this, isn't it totally wicked?"

"Totally," Pua parroted, though he truly meant it. Even with though the wood was tacky and the open space didn't look like a lab in the slightest, the difference of it, the uniqueness he could see already, excited him.

"You know, when I left your sister was still here." Kukui paused and peered around the room, as though Helena would suddenly materialise amongst the stacks of boxes. "HELENA!"

"Here!" An exasperated voice cried from the bathroom. A second later a door thudding open and Helena stepped out, her face thunderous.

"Did all the boxes fall over again?" Kukui asked awkwardly.

"You bet they did!" Helena stepped aside, giving a Toucannon the space to soar out, one box clasped in his thick blue talons and the other clamped within its fruity beak. "You need to move them out of there immediately or I will call health and safety!"

"You're keeping boxes in the bathroom?" Leilani said, crossing her arms and scowling at Kukui. "That is so unsanitary. You're a scientist, don't you know about all those shit flecks that fly out when you flush the toilet?"

"I'm not that kind of scientist," Kukui huffed defensively. Toucannon tossed the box in his mouth across the room, forcing Kukui to duck as it soared and landed clumsily atop another pile. "I'll clean it up when I have a chance!"

"You better make that chance," Helena sassed. "I did not go through four years of university to become a cleaning lady."

"I know, I know!" Kukui raised his hands defensively. "I know," he added, squirming slightly under the intensity of Leilani's gaze. "I was meant to have everything installed before you started. I couldn't have predicted there would be hiccups."

Helena held her glower for a moment before sighing and sank down onto a bubble wrapped chair. "I know," she groaned. "Are you sure you can't afford to get someone in from Hau'oli?"

"Hey, I may have gotten this place cheap, but that doesn't mean I had much change left over." Kukui stared down at one of the boxes, scowling. "Bugger me, this was probably all a mistake, wasn't it?"
"Don't say that!" Leilani gasped. She rushed towards the professor and held his hand, whatever anger she'd felt for her sister suddenly gone. "Hala and them will come around eventually. It will just take… time…"

Kukui smiled. "It's a nice thought, but if they won't even allow the local tradesman to install a few tables and benches, I don't think they are going to soften up anytime soon."

The mood fell suddenly sombre; Kukui copied his assistant and collapsed onto a box, leaving only Pua and Leilani standing awkwardly amongst his unpacked furniture. Rocky continued to scamper across the floor, sniffing everything he could shove his nose into, but even he could read the room and became steadily quieter the longer the silence stretched out.

Pua found it suffocating. He wanted to say something but had no idea what, yet he couldn't stand being here. It was a Saturday. This was the one day a week he didn't have to deal with any of the shit that punctuated every other aspect of his life. He was supposed to be able to close one door on Friday and open another one for a glorious twenty-four hours, to step into a skin and be himself, be free, be happy. This, admittedly, was more exciting than most things he would normally get up to – their data plan only allowed for so much imagination – but having to be reminded of the stiflingly toxic bubble that covered the entire town was the last thing he wanted or needed.

I wish I could live in a house like this. Pua let his eyes wander from surface to surface, taking it all in again as though for the first time. A big, empty house, something I can make my own, away from everyone else. Maybe then I could live in paradise.

And like that, a thought struck him. "We could work for you!"

"You?" Kukui asked curiously.

"You?" Helena scoffed.

"We?" Leilani said casuistically, her tone threatening.

"Yeah, us," Pua said, leaping up eagerly. "We can move some boxes around, assemble a few tables and cabinets. How hard can it be?"

"Um, try very," Helena said with a roll of her eyes. "These aren't just flat packs from Pokéa, these require proper assembly."

"Actually, most of them are flat packs," Kukui said timidly. "What!" He added defensively, as both sisters stared at him filthily. "I told you, I don't have any money."

"Which is why you could hire us – we'd be super cheap!"

"Oh, is there going to be money involved?" Leilani asked. "Alright, you've twisted my arm, can we start now?"

Kukui looked at her for a moment, his face statuesque in its slack-jawed stillness. Then he started to laugh. "Oh man, you kids are too much. Oak always says that children are the future, but I never really got what he meant until now."

"We're not kids," Pua whispered, trying not to hide his hurt.

Kukui didn't hear him, too entrapped in his own thoughts. He was staring around the room, looking from box to box, empty space to bare wall. "You know what, this just might work. As long as your parents are fine with it, I'm happy."

"Yep, mine will be," Pua said quickly, avoiding Leilani's eyes as he said it.

"Excellent!" Kukui clapped his hands together and grinned at Leilani and Helena. "I don't have to worry about your parents, I'm guessing – if they let one daughter work here, they can't complain about the other!" He laughed as he started walking towards the kitchen, the bench tops hidden by a set of drawers and another misshapen pile of boxes. "Let's have something to celebrate – what's the drinking age here?"

"Not enough for these two!" Helena yelled. She eyed her boss as he walked away, and the second he was out of earshot got up and walked in step with Leilani towards Pua. "What the hell are you thinking?"

"Mine will be fine with it," Leilani said in a high pitched, whiny impression of him. "Bitch, did you even believe yourself when you said it? She is going to murder you."

"I don't care," Pua lied. He straightened his back and stood at full height, hoping the head of space between him and Leilani gave him the air of defiance. Yet the two sisters looked unconvinced, their faces mirror images of worry and uncertainty.

"She'll understand, trust me," Pua insisted. He doubted himself, but he couldn't let that worry him now. This was what he wanted, what he needed; something away from the confines of the town, away from the narrow views that cut through every aspect of his life. He couldn't wait for one day a week for salvation. This would not solve everything, but staring through the open door towards the field outside, Pua felt the lightest he had in months and wondered if a strong breeze might just carry him away.

I didn't need to ask her. I didn't need to ask her. I didn't need to ask her… did I?

 

[Ghostsoul]

Time for Chapter 3, is it?

The knock echoed throughout the house. It was like a jolt had been fired through Pua's body; one second, he was lying on his bed, eyes shut, thinking about sandy hair and ocean blue eyes, the next, the whole house seemed to be shaking.

The first line introduces the chapter well. That and the image just creates a nice contrast.

Only on Saturday could he truly be himself, the one day he could drop the performance that came with school and church; forcing a smile, pretending he was happy to be there, acting as though everything was normal.

This line provides with some good insight into Pua's personality as well as serves as a minor form of exposition without it looks obvious.

The walk down the stairs, past photos of him as a baby, grandparents and aunts and uncles he barely remembered, the wedding photo his mother inexplicably still had up, normally only took a few seconds, but Pua felt it drag on, each footstep feeling like an hour's effort.

A subtle detail but it again, helps us put Pua's life in perspective.

Anahera said nothing, simply watching them from the doorway. "You need to put some meat on those bones, girl. No one wants to marry a skinny little girl."

Anahera's eyes narrowed. "No one wants to marry a cheeky girl either,"

Are gender relations going to be a part of this story too? Or is this more a 'teens being teens' joke or simple remark to build character.

No matter where I end up, I don't think I will ever see anything as beautiful as this, Pua thought, finally managing a smile. If only the people were different, I think I could live here forever.

Although I can understand where this is going in terms of being a part of/theme inside of the story. I'm not sure if Pua would consider it 'paradise' if he had lived there his entire life and has never seen anything to compare it to. He would be used to it and perhaps not quite fully realise how 'good' he has it.

t Pua's school or in one of his mother's catalogues. He had inky hair pulled back into a slick bun, a colour that glistened like onyx under the sun. He wore board shorts and a loose fitting, unzipped jumper and only that; he was muscular but slim, with symmetrically perfect pecs above a tight, muscular if undefined stomach. Pua had rarely seen anything like him before, and he had to resist the urge to reach out and touch him.

That's some description... Pua doesn't have a crush on Kuki does he?:/

A big, empty house, something I can make my own, away from everyone else. Maybe then I could live in paradise.

The fact that Alola has islands and no man is a metaphorical 'island'. See more themes come up!

The rest of the chapter follows with a good set of dialogue. Naturally fast exchanges between the two characters which keep the plot and general narrative flowing.

Chapter 3 was another mostly build-up/setting orientated chapter. The chapters are doing well at their job, not once slowing down the plot in order to deliver its exposition and blends it with character development and introduction rather naturally. Although there seems to be a lot to this plot and setting, I'm not sure if we've seen it all yet!

 

[AceTrainer14]

Are gender relations going to be a part of this story too? Or is this more a 'teens being teens' joke or simple remark to build character.

There will be elements of gender issues going forwards in keeping with the overall religious and conservative elements of the story.

Although I can understand where this is going in terms of being a part of/theme inside of the story. I'm not sure if Pua would consider it 'paradise' if he had lived there his entire life and has never seen anything to compare it to. He would be used to it and perhaps not quite fully realise how 'good' he has it.

Fair point. I struggled a lot with that little segment and I don't think it turned out perfectly in the end, so may reconsider it at some point.

Thanks for the review - I think this is the most positive review I've ever had from you, so must be doing something right ;P

 

[Gama]

Just caught up with this. Great read, Ace. It's certainly an aspect of SM/USUM that I've never seriously considered before, but makes a lot of sense. The characters here also have a lot of depth. It'll be interesting to see more of Ikky and Chase as things develop, but in the meantime the other characters are immensely interesting. Think I have an idea of what Pua's secret is (not sure if it's meant to be obvious) but I'll be interested to see it come out organically rather than playing the guessing game. Leilani is also a very dynamic and engaging character, as well as Pua's mum.